American Dad s01e09 Episode Script

A Smith in the Hand

#Good morning, U.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # #The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy, it's swell to say # # Goodmorning, U.
# [ Chorus .]
# Goodmorning, U.
## [Man Narrating.]
Tonight on Fox, it's The Simple Life: Life Without Parole.
We're gonna give new meaning to the term "hard time.
" - [ WolfWhistles .]
Woman! Woman! - That's hot.
Watch Paris and Nicole debase themselves as they desperately cling to their last shred ofstardom.
- Hey, we were watchi ng that! - I t's m i ndless and degrading.
Oh, come on! As a shut-in, I only have two pleasures: trash TV and booze.
Oh, and Shrinky Dinks.
You put 'em in the oven, it's like baking art.
- [ Snickers .]
- All you do is sit on your ass all day.
- You're such a loser! - [ Gasps .]
I am not a loser! Hayley, you take that back! Okay, Roger.
Maybe I went too- Hayley, what the hell's wrong with you? Finish him! No! I just cleaned this carpet.
Hey, Dad, I need you to sign this permission slip.
They're teaching sex education at school.
Could you give us a moment, Steve? [ Screams .]
- What was that for? - He's only 1 4.
I don't want some unionized pervert teaching my son about nature's filthy secret.
But, honey, Steve is at that age and they're just trying to give him a little knowledge.
They? Who's they? The smut-peddling flag burners or the God-killing tree huggers? [Steve .]
Tree huggers, I think.
Well, it's clearwhat must be done.
- We have to burn the school to the ground.
- Stan! Fine, fine.
We'll talk to the principal.
Soon, my pet.
Soon I will feed you the world.
- Stan! - Coming.
These academics are expert at using mind games to implant their liberal agendas.
I've dealt with them before, so leave the talking to me.
- Good.
You're both here.
- And you're both here.
- I understand there's a problem.
- I understand there's a solution.
- Mr.
Smith, you're not making sense.
- Playing the race card already? - I've got him on the ropes.
- Thankyou for seeing us, Principal Lewis.
My husband is just a teeny bit concerned that Steve may not be ready for sex education.
That's right.
Mywife didn't spend 36 hours squeezing Steve from her birth canal soyou could shove his face right back in there! The state requires that he take sex ed in order to graduate.
Then instead ofyour bohemian filth fest I demand he be offered a more wholesome, family-friendly alternative.
And who doyou propose teach this stupid class? I'm Professor Smith.
You should all be grateful your parents signed you up for this morally upright health class.
Oh, this be the morally upright class? I'm in the other one.
Excuseth me, English.
- [Whip Cracks .]
- [Horse Neighs .]
Okay, now that the square is gone, we can really rap.
So, what do you need to know? Um, everything, I guess.
I talk a big game but I actually know very little about sex.
Well, you don't have to worry about it, becauseyou're not having it.
- Oh.
But I guess I just thought I should know- - You don't need to know.
- That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
- Well, I guess not, but- See, ifl tell you about it, it won't be a mystery.
It'll just be a fact- an ugly, moist fact squatting on your brain like an octopus.
And you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, doyou, Son? - No.
- And that's where babies come from.
How did it go with Steve today? Fantastic.
I gave him the totality of my man knowledge.
Ooh, you're such a good father.
[ Moaning .]
Francine, what areyou doing? This is where we eat.
I'm in the middle ofspring cleaning.
You knowwhat that does to me.
Oh, right, spring cleaning.
Oh, I completelyforgot to clean the gutters.
Forget those gutters! Clean my gutters! [ Both Moaning .]
- [ Gasps .]
Steve! - Is this a bad time? No, no.
I was just buffing the table with your mother.
- [ Squeaking .]
- Okay.
Anyway, I was talking to the Amish kid and I still have some questions about sex.
Absolutely, Son.
Let's talk in private.
Stan, doyou want me to come with you? No.
This is a father's job.
Besides, sons have complex relationships with their mothers.
Especially ifthey're as beautiful and sexy as my mother.
Upside-down margarita! [ Gagging, Coughing .]
Roger, what areyou doing? Hayleywas right.
I am wasting my life.
So I decided to get my bartender's license.
- Oh, forgot the umbrella.
- [ Gags .]
Does a margarita take an umbrella? [ Screams .]
My test is tomorrow! Soyou're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage? That's right.
Or angels will kill you.
Good night.
Some ofthe guys atschool sayifyou have urges you can handle themyourself.
Ah, I knew this day would come.
It's time foryou to watch the film that made me the man I am today.
[ Man Narrating .]
Hey, kids, meet TimmyJohnson.
Timmy is a healthy, athletic, all-American boy who is about to fall victim to a terrible evil- an evil greater than civil rights and Communism combined.
Mom? Dad? My game ended early.
[ Narrator.]
Timmy is about to touch himself.
Three hours alone! What will I do? Jeepers! What's this? [ Screaming .]
Whoa! That's messed up.
So how do we defeat these evil urges? The way I have my entire life.
With hobbies.
Hobbies keepyour mind clean and your hands busy.
I've had a hobby since I was your age and not once have I ever played a solo on the devil's clarinet.
You've gotyour fly tying, your gun cleaning, your decoupage.
- What's this for? - Only the greatest hobby of all-wood burning.
You use a burning tool to scorch pictures orwhimsical sayings onto wood.
Sayings like "Kiss the Cook" or "Friday's Comin"' or my favorite, "You Want It When?" [ Laughing .]
"You Want It When?" Get it? It expresses disbelief at an unreasonable deadline.
[ Laughs .]
Thatjust kills me.
I'm ready, Dad.
Let's beat temptation! Okay.
I'll just place a thin strip ofwood across my unprotected lap.
Now, take that red-hot poker and drive it on home, hard as you can.
Wait! The good hobbyist always thinks about safety first.
Now let her rip.
[ Screaming .]
[Scream Echoing.]
Oh, luckily it's only a minor injury.
Minor? I doubt we'd be calling it minor ifit was yourwee-wee.
- Here's your prescription, Dad.
- Finally.
The burn ointment.
"Apply to affected area.
" Why can't theywrite these things in English? Everybody out! I'm calling the C.
- [ Monitor Beeping .]
- Smith, I'm elbow-deep inside the vice president's chest.
- This better be important.
- Vital.
How doyou use ointment? Oh,just take a large gob and apply it directly to the affected area.
Oh, okay, but, uh, the affected area is my- - Doctor, the aorta has ruptured.
- Clamp on to it with both hands.
Okay, but to do that, I'm gonna have to put you on speakerphone.
The artery is retracting! [DoctorOn Phone .]
Pull on it! Pull with allyourmight! I-I feel weird.
Maybe I should stop.
Don't quit on me now, you son ofa bitch! Keep pumping! But I 'm- I 'm- [ Screaming .]
[Scream Echoing.]
Why do we keep grazing here? I don't know.
I do not know.
Where's your father? His dinner's getting cold.
He hasn't left the bathroom for two days.
- He just stays up there applying ointment and shouting.
- [Stan Screaming.]
It's my fault.
I mutilated him.
Steve, it was just an accident, and it wasn't that bad.
Not that bad? Just listen to his cries ofanguish! - [Stan Screaming.]
- [ Sobbing .]
Enough ofthat for one day.
Ah, might as well make it a baker's dozen.
Besides, I'm not doing anything wrong.
I'm healing.
And healing feels good.
Incredibly good.
Like God has kissed me with a mouthful ofscotch.
Dad! Thereyouare.
Of-Of course I'm here.
Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself? Yeah, right.
Only perverts and Democrats do that.
[ Laughs .]
Well said, soldier.
I just want to say how sorry I am and I hope this experience will bring us even closer together.
Of course it will.
Now get out.
Welcome to Roger's Place.
What's your poison? All right.
I'll have a Cosmopolitan.
A Cosmo for the lady who changed my life.
Just need to see some I.
[ Laughs .]
Okay, hereyou go.
Yeah, this is clearly fake.
I'm gonna have to confiscate this, Dr.
Ernestine Chow.
But I need that to get into bars! Uh-huh.
I could lose my license.
What license? You're an alien! This is make-believe in our attic! - We gonna have a problem? - [ Grunts .]
- [ Air Horn Blares .]
- Rise and shine! - Wh-What? - Time foryou to leave me alone.
I mean, Steve needs a ride to school.
- Oh, okay.
I better get dressed.
- Already taken care of.
Let me just put on some makeup.
Ow! Movie star gorgeous.
See ya.
I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
Oh, now, why would you say that? Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place.
He's probably frustrated he can't go to work or mow the lawn or clean the gutters.
Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
Hey, maybe until Dad gets better, I can clean the gutters.
That's creepy, honey.
Oh, no.
We gotta go home.
I just realized your father forgot to put underpants on me.
## [Dramatic Choral Work.]
[ Floorboard Creaks .]
- Stan? - Francine! What a nice surprise.
- What are you doing? - Enjoying the view.
- [Woman Screams .]
- Hello, Mrs.
Pace, little Susie.
Anyway, great visiting with you, Francine.
I'll be in the study.
- Stan, that's the closet.
- Thankyou.
- [ Tires Screeching .]
- Sign in here.
This isn't right.
I have to stop doing this.
- [ Screams .]
- Guess who just packed up her last box of spring cleaning? Ah, French maid outfit.
Very arousing.
- I'm overwhelmed with desire.
Good day.
- [ Sighs .]
- Francine! - Francine! Good to seeyou, Mrs.
You just missed happy hour but we may still have some crab cakes.
- Miguel, tenemos crab cakes? - [ Snaps Fingers .]
I don't want any crab cakes.
- Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes.
- [ Sobbing .]
Oh, sweetie, what's the matter? It's a bartender's job to provide a sympathetic ear.
Stan has completely stopped being intimate.
Well, you are kinda on the downslope.
- Excuse me! - Listen, doll, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
You're scaring off my customers.
I mean, look at this place.
It's a freakin' ghost town! [ Sobbing .]
She's so desperate.
Doyou think she'll let me swim in her mouth? Your breasts are fine.
It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger.
But may I suggest a third breast? - I don't think- - Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob! - Can I just get a little Botox? - No one everwants the super-boob.
Hey, Keith, I'm here to pick up my refill on that, uh, ointment.
Actually, Mr.
Smith, you had eight refills, and you used them all.
I'm pretty sure I had two left.
Remember, you blew through thoseyesterday and made me call the doctor for eight more.
So I'll just take my last six tubes and get out ofyour hair.
Sorry, Stan.
I can't helpyou.
Give me the stuff or I'll shoot! - You traded meyour gun for ointment.
Remember? - [ Groans .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
Please!Just a dab'll do me.
Yes! Yes! [ Maniacal Laughing .]
- [ Moaning .]
- [Steve.]
Dad? - Ooh! - I'm doing your chores soyou won't hate me anymore.
See, Daddy? I'm a good boy.
I'm a good boy.
Of- Of courseyou are.
I'm the one who's bad! Must kill the urge.
Focusing on mindless manual task.
Prurient thoughts evaporating.
I am myselfagain.
Nothing more pure than Lady Liberty.
Yes, the Statue of Liberty standing proudly on America's shore in her clingy dress.
[ Grunts .]
One last time.
One last time and I'm done forever! # Makin' Dad happy Makin' Dad happy # # Doin' his chores Doin' his chores # # Mom and Dad's bedroom Mom and Dad-## [ Screams .]
- [ Screaming .]
- [ Screaming Continues .]
Steve, slow down.
That's your fourth ShirleyTemple.
I'll tell you when I've had enough.
Set one up, Roger.
I really need it.
Oh, uh, Steve.
I didn't knowyou come here.
- Uh, how's the arm? - Oh, the arm will heal.
Butyou know what won't? This.
This sounds like a family thing.
I'll leaveyou two alone.
All this timeyou said you were healing, and you werejust- Ah! I don'twant to relive it.
You're a hypocrite, Dad! A liar and a hypocrite! Ouch.
Rub some ointment on that, why don'tya? I'll just watch TV.
Steve, I wish you hadn't seen whatyou saw.
Butyou gotta believe me.
This isn't my fault.
- Really? Then whose fault is it? - Well, I, uh- I don't- Keep it down.
Simple Life's on, and Paris is washing the warden's car.
Taking it offhere, boss.
Television! - What? - Television drove me to it! I'm still decent.
I'm just a victim ofthis evil-spewing smut box.
Give me a break, Dad.
Television? Well, let me askyou something.
Doyou think about sex all the time? - Nonstop.
- And doyou watch TV all the time? Constantly.
Holy cow! You just blew my mind! See? I knew it wasn't my fault! Murderer! You killed my son! [ Grunting .]
- I'm still alive, Dad.
- Yes, butyou're dead inside.
Come on.
We've gotta go save America.
- What's going on? - Steve fell off a ladder.
He's dead inside.
We're gonna go save America.
Francine, you seem oddly unfazed.
No, no.
I'm shocked and confused.
It's just that I paralyzed my face to make me look prettier.
Ach, why didn't you say you were having work done? I would have gladly gone halvsies on a super-boob.
Senators, thankyou for coming to this top-secret threat briefing.
As we all know, this country is surrounded by monstrous enemies.
But, gentlemen, I giveyou the true face of evil.
Smith, is this some kind ofjoke? No, really.
This is the face of evil, and this is the ass of evil.
Uh, your memo stated you had urgent information about a dirty bomb.
This is a dirty bomb! A dirty bomb that goes offin your pants.
- And it killed me inside! - It killed the boy inside! We must take action! Well, we're not having much luck catching the real monstrous enemies.
And a good media crusade is always a solid vote-getter.
I'll accept nothing less than total authority over the entire country's communication system.
- We'll giveyou one town- Langley Falls.
- Done.
- [ TV Static .]
- He didn't even notice my beautiful nerve-dead face.
Well, you maywant to cutyourself some slack.
He's been a little preoccupied since he, you know, found himself.
- Found himself? - Ah, you're gonna make me spell it out? - Okay, look, Stan's been- -spanking the monkey.
The zookeeper said the saucy simian needed some tough love after breaking his tiny unicycle.
Oh, that explains the total neglect and the increased tissue consumption.
Kind of a downer that Steve caught him red-handed though.
- What? - Hey, that's why they invented therapy.
Of course, you probably blew all that money on this fiasco.
We interrupt this broadcast with a breaking story.
That's right, Terry.
I n order to purge trash from TV our government has given me complete control over all programming in Langley Falls.
- Stan, can I offer an observation? - It's a free country, Greg.
I thinkyou might be imposing your personal hang-ups on the public and that's a violation ofthe First Amend- Langley Falls, say good-bye to smut and say hello to clean TV.
Oh, God, he's taken over television.
Am I scowling? I want to be scowling.
- [ Children Whining .]
- What's going on? - [ Indistinct Shouting .]
- Yo, where's my Wife Swap? [ Man On TV.]
Hi there, sinners.
It's time for The Gentle Bearded Christian Sing-Along Hour.
Oh, what fresh hell is this? # Lava, acid and your crotch # # These are things you must not touch # Take it, Son.
# Rest assured your eyes will melt # # Ifyou drift below the belt # He's using Steve? This has gone too far! Francine, your Botox is wearing off.
Und so is my Fleischhosen.
Awesome job, Dad! I really think we're winning the war on urges.
- Sir, the phones are lighting up.
- Fantastic! It's mostly death threats, but I thinkyou're doing an amazing job.
No one likes a suck-up, Terry.
I guess you wanna go out clubbin'.
Gonna be kinda tough without that fake I.
[ Laughing, Cries .]
Where is it? Huh? Where is it? I know it's in here somewhere! Ah! Getyour greasy paws out of my "orificee-cees.
" - Got it! What the- - My pancreas! Give it back! - I'll tradeyou for my I.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
- Ah! It bit me! - [ Growling, Twittering .]
Great! Now I gotta spend all night putting peanut butter in pancreas traps.
- Francine! - Steve, you're comin' home with me right now! He can't.
He's my partner in the crusade to cleanse the airwaves.
- We're keeping people pure! - Nowyou'll have to excuse us.
It's the premiere of Celibate Sock Puppet Theater.
Picture in four, three, two- Hello, everyone.
I'm Footsie, the celibate sock puppet and I'm content to eat taffy, collect stamps and look at my aquarium all day long.
Stan, enough! I know whatyou've been doing.
- Roger told me everything.
- [ Gasps .]
Look, I'm sorry that 30 years ago you got some lousy advice about sex that screwed you up but I cannot let you do the same thing to our son.
- I'm not screwing him up.
- Yeah, Mom.
I know my body is filthy.
No, it's not.
Steve, urges are natural and it's healthy to explore them.
- Francine, no! - Because ifyou don't explore them, you'll repress them.
Then one day when you do discover them you'll rejectyourwife, hurtyour son and try to take down TV! Quick! Back to the aquarium! Stan, talk toyour son.
- Dad? - I'm sorry, Steve.
I was only trying to protectyou, butyour mom is right.
You deserve the truth, so here it is, all ofit.
When a man and a woman are in love, orvery drunk, they- Or the man can balance on his elbows and push offwith his feet which is whyyou should always have a towel handy to- Now, moving on to toys.
Stan, that's enough for one day.
Right, Steve? [ Mumbling .]
I'm proud ofyou, honey.
You set your son straight.
Couldn't have done it withoutyou, Francine.
[ Moaning, Kissing .]
Now, this is trash TV.
- [Pancreas Twittering.]
- [Trap Snaps .]
- [Pancreas Crying.]
- [ Laughing .]
- Got you, you sneaky little bastard! - [Screams .]
Have a great night.

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