American Dad s01e18 Episode Script

Finances With Wolves

##[Marching Band.]
## [ Singing .]
## [ Continues .]
## [ Chorus Singing.]
This mall disgusts me.
It's built on sacred land once ruled by proud indigenous people.
And what do we reduce them to? ChiefShopaholic.
- [ Man's Voice.]
Attention, palefaces.
- [Drums Beating.]
On sale now: a 48-inch flat-screen TV.
Or as we call it, maize.
What kind ofidiot would buy this materialistic crap? And we widen to reveal- Look at all this cool stuff.
A glow-in-the-dark rake a money suit, a giant Flavor Flav clock and this robot frog that does amazing things when you speakTaiwanese.
Ni hao ma? Stan, it's great the C.
gave you that $20,000 bonus for "most evasive testimony to Congress.
" But at this rate, it'll be gone in no time.
Hey, ifl don't buy all this crap, the terrorists win.
And don't tell me it's not a competition because it so is.
Oh, my God! I've always wanted to own a kiosk.
I could just never seem to raise the money.
- So, Adam- - Mr.
So what do you think? Now will you invest in my kiosk business? Invest? I'm Adam Ant! I have, like, eight dollars.
So now thatyour head's clear, would you like to invest in my kiosk? Doyou want me to go? You guys think about my kiosk idea.
I'm gonna freshen up.
[ Irish Accent .]
She's not gettin' a dime.
But what we just did gives me an idea for a song.
- What's her name again? - Eileen, I think.
## [ Humming .]
Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies.
Can I have a few bucks for popcorn? Do I look like I'm made of money? Ugh! I'm going for a walk in thewoods out back.
When you're done with all this soulless materialism, text me on my Sidekick.
- [ Beeping .]
- Sweetie, you don't need popcorn.
I madeyou some muffins.
Cool! Your muffins are the best! I can sell 'em to my friends and buy some popcorn.
Your friends would pay money for my muffins? That's it! People would pay money for my muffins and there's an available kiosk! All I need is someone with a little start-up moneywho believes in me.
Francine, you know what I'm gonna do foryou? I'm gonna wear my money suit toyour grand opening when you find that someone who believes in you.
[ Sniffs .]
Ah, nature.
I will put my ear to the ground and hear the heartbeat of Mother Earth.
- [Rumbling.]
- [ Screaming, Grunting .]
[ Various Animal Noises .]
[Equipment Roaring.]
[ Gasps .]
One for Mr.
Mouse: Cheese Detective.
Dude, we're going to The Soiling the werewolf movie so scary, it makes you mess your pants.
Come on.
No movie's that scary.
One for The Soiling.
Okay, here's your diaper.
Changing tables are by the butter dispenser.
[ Giggling .]
[ Groaning, Growling .]
[ Growling Continues .]
You gonna useyour diaper? I'm kinda floating over here.
- Sure.
Let mejust- - [ All Screaming .]
Is this your first? Mine too.
I was hoping to be a little more financially stable butyou can't put off having sea monkeys forever.
Oh, my God! My babies! They're alive! [ Crying .]
Oh, it's true what they say! The love is instantaneous and unconditional.
I'm a mess! I'm a mess! Champagne for everyone! [ Cork Pops .]
None foryou, Romeo and Anastasia.
Just don't tell your mother.
What? Noooo! [ Sobbing .]
Hurry, Francine, before the juice on my rechargeable fork runs out.
[ ForkWhirring .]
- ## [ Disco .]
- [ ForkWinding Down .]
- ## [ Stops .]
- Terrific.
Now it's just a regular $2,000 fork.
Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall.
Ifyou gave me $5,000 ofyour bonus I could start a business selling my muffins! - I think there's a real market for- - Ooh, ooh, uh, uh- I'm sorry.
Sorry to interrupt.
But real quick.
This is the worst idea I've ever heard.
Never gonna happen.
- But please keep going.
- Oh,just forget it.
Great call, Francine.
I'll take my pie on the veranda.
[ Thumping .]
Francine, I'd buyyou 1 0 kiosks ifl still had my human body.
I'd do lots ofthings ifl had a human body because, you know, I'd have a penis.
Klaus, you know I don't like that type oflanguage.
Put a quarter in the penis jar.
How about when that werewolf puked up that guy's arm? Sure, it was scary, but it's just a movie.
And not even a real movie.
It was shot in Canada.
- [ Thumping .]
- [ Gasps .]
- [ Snarling .]
- [ Screaming .]
Dude, you were so just randomly attacked by a wolf!.
Maybe next full moon, you'll turn into a werewolf.
[ Gasps .]
I gotta get someplace safe! [ Panting .]
Huh? Well, that's an easy choice.
Nature can't defend itself, so I will defend nature.
Gaia, Earth Mother ofCreation, make my banana steady and true.
[ Yelling .]
Greetings, fellow eco-warrior.
I am Arboreus the leader of this team of environmental soldiers.
I was born a tree trapped in a man's body.
But I'm fixing that.
I've already had the chlorophyll injections and I found a surgeon in Sweden who's agreed to replace my testes with acorns.
Wow! You're hard-core.
[ Making Wind Sounds .]
[ Sobs .]
Heaven's gonna get two new angels.
This is in caseyou get hungry on the way up.
Ooh! You snuck up on me, cutie pie.
Say, you're just about the right size to fill that hole in my heart.
- [ Snarls .]
- Oh, you like Francine's muffins? There's more where that came from.
- You're gonna come live with me.
I will call you Felicity.
- [ Snarls .]
So I thought the rest of my bonus money should be put aside for my son's education.
Then I thought rocket boots! A wise decision.
Very "rockety.
" Sir, I called your bank.
You only have enough money for one boot.
I don't understand.
I have at least $5,000 left in that account.
How did- - [Drums Beating.]
- Attention, palefaces.
Welcome new addition to tribe.
Smith's Muffin Kiosk.
Chiefsayhow delicious.
Francine, this is unacceptable! [ Yells, Screams .]
[Screams .]
[Screams .]
Francine, what the hell is going on? Stan, foryour information, my muffins are selling faster than hotcakes! How come no one's buying your hotcakes, Mr.
Aids? Because I'm Irish,Jimmy.
Because I'm Irish.
Francine, this is crazy.
We've gotta shut this thing down beforeyou lose all my money.
You wantyour money, you un-supportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
You made all this in one day? That's right, I did.
Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.
Can I helpyou? Ifthis mall expansion goes through, hundreds oftrees will be slaughtered.
Now, we have a plan.
But to prove you're dedicated to our cause you must first make out with a tree.
You want to make out with me? Me? No.
I've got a redwood in Canada.
But my friend here thinks you're really cute.
What's wrong? Is it because he's Asian? - [ Snarling .]
- Isn't this fun? I want our relationship to be totally Gilmore.
- So, any cute boys in your life? - [ Snarling Continues .]
I was just asking.
You don't have to bite my head off.
Drama! You guys really think I'm a werewolf? Well, we can't take any chances.
There's a full moon tonight.
Wait a minute.
I understand the rope but what's the deal with the gag and kimono? I don't know.
But I walked in on my parents once, and theywere using all three.
But there's no way I'm- [ Gagging .]
You like that, don'tyou, bitch? That's what my mom says to my dad.
You mean she didn't even leaveyou a sandwich? I know.
What kind ofbusinesswoman forgets to make dinner for her husband? That's just bad business.
And bad "womaning.
" Forget her.
I can cook.
Here we go.
Mac "N" Cheez.
"Boil water.
" What am I- a chemist? You know, Stan, before the C.
put my brain into the body of a fish I was a great chef.
- My specialtywas seafood.
- Mm, that sounds good.
I just need a pan, some butter, white wine, a little paprika- oh, and my brain back in a human body.
You know I don't have the clearance to do that.
But without Francine to cook foryou, you have two choices: riskyour career performing an unauthorized brain transfer or [ Deep Voice .]
order out! Perhaps theywill use the tiny corn.
Stop! Let's do it.
[ Growling .]
[Dog Yipping.]
I have no idea what this is but I'm too tired to question it.
Let's getyou a little fresh air.
[ Growling .]
[Barking, Snarling.]
[Dog Yelping.]
[YelpingStops .]
Finally a new body.
Ooh, I want to be 6'2", blond, blue eyes- [ Gasps .]
And scars! I want my face to tell a story.
Well, looks like slim pickings.
It was a slow month for abductions.
The snatch van has been in the shop.
They thought it was the starter, but now they don't know what it is.
Ahhh, nothin' like a good night's sleep.
Thanks, Mattress King.
[ Shudders, Gasps .]
I am a werewolf!.
No! Good morning, Francine.
I'm late, so don't even ask me to makeyou breakfast.
I don't need you to make me breakfast.
All I need is my clock and my rocket boot.
Oh, what time is it? Time to kick it! ## [ Hard Rock.]
[ Indistinct Talking .]
Okay, Klaus, she's gone.
Guten Tag.
I am gorgeous.
Whose bodywas this? He was the front man for an Earth, Wind & Fire cover band.
They played the C.
summer mixer and tried to overcharge us.
Bad idea.
Just so we're clear.
As soon as Francine gives up this muffin nonsense your brain goes back in the fish! - Ja,ja.
A deal's a deal.
- Now make me that breakfastyou owe me.
Right away.
But first let me askyou something.
How many eggs should I eat to get enough energy to plowyourwife? Ah, three should do it- What? Ugh! Thanks for the five G's.
[ Sinister Laughing .]
[ Laughing Continues .]
Rest easy, Stan.
The longeryou stay unconscious the less you have to think about me invading Francine Land.
## [Disco .]
## [Man Singing.]
## [ Continues .]
## [Fades .]
## [ Singing .]
How did that get stuck in my head? Damn it! I have to stop Klaus! [ Screams .]
Well, another successful trip to Brad's Cactus Shack.
Can you believe theywere just giving away razor blades? I'll turn on our new lemon juice waterfall.
- [Whistling.]
- [ Grunting, Screaming .]
- That'll be five dollars.
- Four banana nut.
Ten dollars.
[ Klaus's Voice .]
How much for every muffin on your cart? Would a thousand dollars cover it? Now thatyou have no more muffins to sell, perhaps you'd join me for dinner? Oh, that's very flattering, but I'm married.
Oh, no, you misunderstand.
Although I find you exceedingly fly I'm much more interested in your business acumen.
I would love to pickyour brain.
You would? Well, I'll just get my bag.
You know, you seem veryfamiliar.
Havewe met before? Oh, you know, I'm just one ofthose black Germans that seems familiar to everyone, hmm? - [ Tires Screech .]
- I have to kill Klaus before he steals Francine.
- There's no time to lose.
- That'll be three dollars.
What? That's a total rip.
I'll park it myself.
[ Tires Screech .]
[ Engine Revs .]
[ Engine Revs .]
[ Coins Jingling .]
[ Blows Nose .]
- [ Groans .]
- [ Tires Screech .]
- All I have is a five.
- Sorry.
I don't have change.
Oh, forget it! I'll park it myself!.
[ Tires Screech .]
[ Grunting, Screaming .]
Your muffin kiosk is fantastic.
Your husband must think you're brilliant.
Well, recently he's been treating me like I'm pretty un-smart.
Well, ifyou ask me, he should be worshipping you like a goddess every day.
- Well, Stan tries his best.
- Chip? [ Thinking .]
Stan never offers me chips.
Oh, no, thanks.
I don't like chips.
[ Thinking .]
At least he offered.
Friends, I am a werewolf.
I've taken a life, and I'm sure I will again.
Therefore, you must use this silver bullet to kill me.
[ SpeakingJapanese.]
My only regret is I'll never know the sweet, silky tingle ofreal boob.
Oh, I can't letyou go out like this.
- Here.
- Areyou- Areyou sure? 'Cause I won't lie.
I have thought ofit.
Mind ifl call you Jennifer? Jennifer.
Miss Piggy.
This'll be such a fun Christmas card.
- [ Beeping .]
- Timer! Timer's on! [ Growls, Yelps .]
Wait! Wait, Felicity! Come back! Oh, God.
Now I have a teenage runaway.
I'll never get over this! [Rattling.]
Well, hello there, Mr.
Francine! Francine! Francine.
[ Gasps .]
- [ Gasps .]
Stan! - Get away from him! I will not! This man's given me something you haven't for a long time! We've talked about this.
My neck gets tired.
I'm talking about respect, Stan! Oh, my God! You respected her? You're dead, Klaus! - Klaus? - Francine.
Nobodymove! I've got a bomb! - Arboreus? - [ Together.]
Hayley? - Klaus? - Barry, Toshi, Snot you're my best friends.
You're all worthy ofkilling me, but only one ofyou can.
I should do it! My parents couldn't afford a bar mitzvah, and I need a rite of passage.
It should be me.
He knows me in a special way.
- [ Struggling .]
- Gimme it! - [ Groaning, Gasping .]
- [ WolfYelps .]
- [ Snarls .]
- [Together.]
Arboreus, this was supposed to be a peaceful protest.
- How could you do this? - How could America do this? All across this country our forests are being replaced.
[ Whispering .]
Move me now.
Move me dramatically.
I want to move.
[ Normal Voice .]
Our forests are being replaced with malls full of overpriced clothing designer sunglasses and muffin kiosks! - Arboreus, this is crazy.
- Oh, I'll showyou crazy.
[ Crowd Screaming .]
It's Steve! Dude, it's us, your friends! Remember? We came out here to kill you.
- [ Snarls .]
- [ All Screaming .]
[ Sighs .]
What happened? Look! He's alive! The silver bullet must've just grazed him.
- The curse is broken! - Thanks, guys.
Come on.
Let's go home.
Barry! Yoo-hoo! No, milady.
'Tis not my timeyet.
Now, in the name ofthe forest creatures with their silent voices and the very earth- Ah, screw it.
I'm just gonna blow the sucker up.
- [ Beeps .]
- [CrowdScreaming.]
- Not my beautiful new body! - Francine! Stan! It's all right, Francine.
For the second time in my life, I was saved by hip-hop.
But that's another story.
Stan, you saved me! Well, I wouldn't want to live withoutyou.
Stan, you may be a selfish, misguided chauvinist who spits on my dreams butyou'd die for me, and that says everything.
- [ Moaning .]
- What wereyou doing? You almost killed my parents! [ Gasps .]
I've been de-potted! [ Panting .]
I- I can't breathe! Baby, let's go home.
[ Gasps .]
Oh, my God! Klaus! Mein beautiful body.
I'm not going to make it.
Stan, we can't let him die.
Well, that was the last bodywe had at the C.
What doyou want me to do? [ Sighs .]
Now I know why they say "Onceyou've been black, there's no going back.
" Have a great night!
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