American Dad s02e03 Episode Script

Failure is Not a Factory-installed Option

His name is Achmed al-Paula Abdul al-Paul Anka al-Casey Kasem bin Shakira.
We must find out who he works for.
Leave it to me, sir.
I'll crack him faster than Condoleezza Rice cracked the glass ceiling with her beautiful straightened hair.
It's no use, C.
I will never talk.
Never! Shh.
Every man has a weakness.
What is his? His teeth are yellow, so he's a smoker.
The handcuffs around his wrists mean he's in some sort of trouble.
The haunted look in his eyes suggest that he doesn't know what Eric McCormack's gonna do after Will And Grace either.
He's got a wedding ring, but his shirt doesn't match his pants which means his wife has stop caring.
Gotcha! Oh, man! Another spot on my tie.
It's like my wife doesn't even care anymore.
I'm sorry.
You shouldn't have to listen to my complaints.
It's not like you could relate.
Actually, you might be surprised.
My wife and I haven't been getting along for quite some time now.
It's like she's no longer the woman I traded goats for, you know? Preaching to the mosque, Achmed.
Preaching to the mosque.
Dude, it's okay.
She'll come around.
It just sucks, you know? It's like she's jealous of my work as chief bomb maker at Arabs for Chaos.
Probably shouldn't have told you that.
I thought we were friends! You thought what I made you think.
I still want to get the wives together.
Well done, Smith.
I'm going to pat you on the bottom.
Ready? There it is.
Look, it's Jenny Bowen.
She's got the body of Lara Croft the pouty good looks of Resident Evil's Jill Valentine and the frank eroticism of Rosie O'Donnell.
God, I'd love to bend Rosie O'Donnell over a buffet table and just let her eat all she wants.
Yes, Rosie O'Donnell is every teenage boy's Mrs.
But these girls are Mrs.
Right Here.
Those girls will never talk to us.
They'll give us boo-boos on our feelings.
- Trust me, guys.
We can do this.
- But what if they- No ifs, no buts, no coconuts.
- Afternoon, ladies.
- What do you little kids want? Little kids? Would a little kid have a $50 watch he bought with good-boy points? Sorry.
We only date guys with cars.
Ohh! I'm home.
Oh, if I had known you were gonna be home so early I wouldn't have taken care of myself in the bathtub.
Hey, you know how we were talking about getting me a new car? Well, I know exactly what I want.
The Femwagon.
It's a little pricey.
Hey, you've got one of the C.
's top negotiators on your side.
You know I negotiated my way through negotiator training.
I should have failed the hell out of that class.
That's how good I am.
- Hi, I'm Felix.
Can I help you? - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Every man has a weakness.
What is his? - I notice you shave against the grain.
- What? I do the same thing.
My dad wasn't around to teach me any different.
Neither was mine.
So, what do you think of your new car? Do you love it? I told you I wanted the Femwagon.
This is the Phallus.
No, it's the Phallus E.
Felix said it was the last one on the lot.
I had to act fast or this other guy was totally gonna buy it.
Son of a bitch! He mind-raped me! Don't worry, honey.
No car salesman is gonna get the better of me.
- Is she a beauty or what? - Stan, that's my old car.
It's your new pre-owned car and I got it for a sweet 10 grand.
We sold it to him for 7,000.
Yeah, but he let me keep the Phallus for no extra charge.
Because you already paid for it! Francine, there's a lot of math- man math- involved in a car purchase that- Damn it! Why does this keep happening? Sorry about this mess, Klaus.
They cleared out the garage to make room for Stan's stupid cars.
The one time I invite the fish up here for drinks.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm having fun.
I'm having fun.
Oh, my God! A movie projector! Is there anything more magical than movies? Wait! There's no movies! It's like having the world's biggest wine cooler and no girls from New Jersey.
Hey, what are you doing with my dad's movie projector? If I'm living in a storage unit so he can buy Get something out of it? Cars? Yes! The girls would go crazy over these cars! That's it! Hey, Algernon, what's wrong with you? Can't you get an idea without saying it out loud? Smith, I told you to interrogate that prisoner an hour ago.
Uh, lost my confidence because a car salesman bested me eight times? Of course I haven't lost my confidence because a car salesman bested me eight times.
Good! Then get in there.
Okay, so here's a passport, $1,000 and the names of all our operatives.
And you should be receiving your first issue of Essence in six to eight weeks.
- Awesome! - Smith! What in God's name are you doing? Feets, don't explode on me now! - You gave away state secrets to a terrorist? - Freedom fighter? Smith, until you get your head in the game, I'm suspending you without pay.
Clean out your desk and leave immediately! Janet, when's my next appointment? - Not for two hours, sir.
- Excellent.
- Later, buddy.
- See you, pal.
Ah, the joys of work.
These car payment bills are really starting to pile up, Stan.
I'm know.
Because I'm an idiot.
My sensei would be disgusted.
He spent 16 months training me in the art of mental manipulation and then some car salesman makes my brain his bitch! Well, maybe you should go visit your sensei.
You know, get a tune-up.
Stan, you return.
- Yes, Sensei.
I've come back to you for guidance.
- Enter, young one.
I'm right in the middle of trying to get the toaster to pop and I'm afraid to put anything metal in there.
Well, ladies, start your engines! Wow! You actually do have cars.
I want to brush your hair.
Hey, we should go to the beach.
Um, we don't exactly know how to drive these cars.
- Are you kidding me? - No.
No, I'm not.
But we can sit in them.
On a clear night, this one gets Radio Disney.
Why did I say that? Roger, this package came for you.
My films! Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme! Ah, "chinema.
" Porky's? Meatballs II? Enjoy your crapfest.
Oh, go read The Bell Jar, you poser! Klaus, prepare to feast your eyes on the majestic grandeur of the silver screen.
Wah-wahhh! Damn it! You guys have your own drive-in? Yes.
Yes, we do.
Turkey pot pie or chicken pot pie? Turkey pot pie or chicken pot pie? Turkey pot pie- Perhaps the answer is not what is inside the pie but what is inside you.
Stan, you scared me half to death.
Better to be scared half to death than to death half scared be to.
Well, we're glad to have you home, especially with the bills piling up.
The bills will be dealt with.
But now I rest.
At dawn, I go down to the dealership, wait four hours until they open and then kick the mental ass of a certain car salesman.
He will take back these cars, and I will take back my pride.
- Farewell, my concubine.
- What? We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong.
But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are.
You see us as you want to see us- in the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions.
But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain and an athlete and a basket case a princess and a criminal.
Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.
Thanks, guys.
But we were just wondering, why didn't you try anything? We-We could have tried something? That's what drive-ins are for.
Getting down and dirty.
Okay, baby.
Well, let's get busy.
The movie's over, you little pervert.
But we'd love to do this again, say, next weekend? - Weekends are when I clean out my belly button.
- Eww! My boy is wicked hygienic.
Chicken pot pie! My favorite! - Actually, it's turkey.
- Oh, gross! Why don't we just eat a big pile of vomit? Giant bumblebees! They've come at last! What the hell is that? You bought a blimp? Francine, with today's low helium prices, we'd be crazy not to buy.
Oh, my God! He did it to me again! - Now, Stan- - Don't look at me! I'm not worthy to be the head of this family.
I'm leaving.
I'm going someplace where I won't bring shame to this house! Stan, please, you're not- Damn! I can't even exit mysteriously anymore.
- When's Dad coming back? - Don't know.
Don't, uh- Don't know.
Oh, my God! We're a broken home! And I'm too drunk and they're too dumb to channel it into art.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Once he finds his confidence, he'll be right back here.
But what are we gonna do for money? - We're here to clean the house.
- Buenos días.
I am Judy.
La toilet.
La toilet! No es poo-poo.
Are you saying you would like me to clean the toilet? No! No! No es poo-poo! - Dad better come home soon.
- Hang in there, sweetheart.
Did you break my coffeemaker? I don't know what you're talking about.
Coffee maker! El burro por los coffee.
I know what a coffee maker is.
We weren't even in the kitchen.
- No dinero today.
- But we worked for 12 hours! You want me to call I.
S? You comprende that? Yeah, you do.
Stan? Just a minute! Francine, what a nice surprise! What brings you to the neighborhood? Can I offer you something to drink? Half a can ofTab? Rain water? Stan, you have to come home.
We're totally broke.
The kids need a father, and I have this jar I can't open.
And quit now? No, I've got some really exciting things happening.
A whole new entrepreneurial thing that is gonna be the next big thing for Stan Smith.
Check it out.
- What are you selling? - Still working on that.
But once I nail it, it's gonna take off like a rocket.
I'll give you $5.
00 for all of them.
Go to hell! I killed my best friend.
And for what? A turd made of solid gold.
What have I done? What have I done? This is all your fault.
Why do you think he did it, sir? Who knows? Probably running from something.
Himself, most likely.
What the hell? Gold.
Find something, Lieutenant? Ha.
Just an old nickel, Chris.
Just an old nickel.
It's beautiful.
What do you think it is? It's a mistake is what it is.
One week to retirement, I risk my pension by stealing evidence? What the hell was I thinking? You were thinking about us.
Oh, Eddie, don't you see? The best your pension will buy us is some crappy little cracker box on the eastern shore.
But now- now we can go to Boca.
- This changes everything.
- This changes nothing! I've always been a good cop, and I'm going out a good cop.
- You're going out a nothing! - An honest nothing! Yeah, well, I'm sick of your honesty! What about me? Huh? What about all those late nights I lied awake wondering if you were in some gutter plugged in the groceries by some hopped-up dope fiend? - Don't I get something for that? - Listen to yourself, Marilyn.
This isn't you.
This isn't us.
It's this thing.
It's- It's putting bad thoughts in our heads.
Tomorrow, I'm just gonna turn it in and face the music.
Oh, you're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry, Eddie.
I'll get us some tea.
It'll calm us down.
The sooner it's out of our lives the better.
Besides, that cracker box won't seem so bad when our grandkids come to visit.
I hear Boca's really humid anyways.
Besides, Eddie, you're all I need.
Welcome back to the drive-in, ladies.
Your chariots to pleasure await.
Ah, Steve, your first gropefest.
You won't truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you're fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual.
Here to repo the cars.
You can't do that.
We're about to become men.
Well, you may have planned on becoming men through sexual conquest but perhaps an equally valid preparation for adulthood would be a night filled with disappointment and compromise.
Ohh! Ah, the death of the drive-in.
Harbinger of the slow demise of American cinema.
The grand images, the big stars.
Where did they go? Now everyone just sits at home.
Now it's all TV, TV, TV! Wait a second! I have a TV! How could I forget you, my good-time gal? Who needs the damn movies? Fifteen bucks to see who's chasing AshleyJudd through the woods? Movies are dead.
Long live TV! What's for breakfast? All we have left is this one Cheerio.
But if you hold it up to your eye, it looks like you're having a bagel.
- Grocery money! - How'd you get grocery money? - Wait! Who's he? - Steve, stop bothering your sister.
Hayley, you did good.
- Why'd we have to walk here? - Because we're poor as hell! Stan? What are you doing here? I'm selling candy to raise money so my soccer team can get new uniforms.
Will you help us? - No! - I don't blame you.
It's a total scam.
- Stan, it's time to come home.
- No! I don't deserve it! You! - You smell like potty.
- You smell like potty! - Let's get inside.
- You did this to me! I had everything! A family! A great job! You took it all from me.
- Is that true? - Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad.
- Our lives are ruined.
- I've done things.
And it all started with that damn car! - Daddy, I thought you sold people cars to help them.
- I do.
L- Look, why don't we go back to my office, call the bank and get you off the hook for your loans? - Oh, thank you.
- No! No charity! - Stan! - Any car we need, I will pay for with candy.
Stan, your family's in bad shape here.
Let me help you.
I'll set you up with that Femwagon.
I'll even knock off 10 bucks a month.
Initial, initial and signature.
And vengeance is mine.
In your face! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yes! Me! Um, what? That's right, car salesman.
How does it feel to have fallen into my trap? My plan worked perfectly.
- Plan? What plan? - Why, my pretending-to-be- depressed-and-go-crazy plan.
Pretending? You put us through all this on purpose? Let me walk you through.
I went to Nepal to see my sensei, but it turned out to be a bad weekend.
So he couldn't give me the mind control techniques I so desperately needed.
As you can imagine, it was a depressing plane ride home until I realized I was sitting next to the foulmouthed playwright and master of the con game, David Mamet.
We decided that the whole going crazy shtick was the best way to handle Felix.
We knew that if I bought a blimp and then abandoned my impoverished family you and the kids would be forced to shop at the off-brand grocery store where I knew Felix must shop because he's so obsessed with the best deal.
Therefore, it was only a matter of time before we would all meet I would humiliate you and Felix's alpha-male need to impress his family would drive him to "save me" and give me a great deal on the car.
Not to pat myself on the back, but we're ahead of schedule.
I thought it would take two years.
I lost out on becoming a man.
I cleaned strangers' toilets.
All to save $10 a month? That's right, baby.
Enjoy it.
God, it's great to win again! Oh! I still got it, honey! Yeah! I won! I won! Hey, who's up for some ice cream? Huh? Hayley? Ice cream? Steve? Francine? Hayley? Oh, I asked you already.
Can't remember what you said.
God, I don't remember the last time I felt so good! Bye.
Have a great time.

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