American Dad s02e05 Episode Script

Dungeons and Wagons

Well, date night was a rousing success.
Me and my lady- eating steaks, drinking martinis.
And I'm not too drunk or too full for sex.
Too bad it's not sex night.
Stan, every Friday night we go to the same restaurant and get the same steak dinner.
I feel like we're in a rut.
A good rut, like 200 years of democracy, or a bad rut, like UNICEF? A rut with nothing exciting in it.
He's challenging us.
Oh, Stan, are you gonna do what I hope you're gonna do? You bet I am.
This punk doesn't stand a chance.
- What are you doing? - Writing down his license plate so I can report him to the proper authorities for speeding and for wastefully burning rubber.
There's a war on, Francine, and it's going great.
Okay, babe, the show's about to start.
Let's get ready.
- What are you doing? - It's my half of our favorite TV cuddle position.
- How 'bout we just sit and watch? - You have the best ideas.
I'm gonna write that down in my journal of amazing things Hayley said, volume three.
- I'm going to the kitchen.
- Cool.
I'm gonna decorate this page with glitter.
Hello? Hey, babe.
I missed you so much I wrote a song for you.
- I'm dumping you.
- What? You're clingy, and you're smothering me, and it's over.
- I can't believe you're doing this over the phone.
- Good-bye, Jeff.
Hayley, wait.
She hung up.
Francine, I've told you, sandwiches should be cut in triangles like a neatly folded flag.
What am I supposed to do with this rectangular monstrosity? - Can't you just pretend it's an unfolded flag? - No! God, you can be such a douche.
Agathor! Agathor! Oh, crap! Steve's friends.
- Into your cupboard.
- Oh, good.
Now it's my cupboard.
That doesn't make me feel like a loser.
That was awesome how you killed that ice giant! Steve, you are the king of Dragon Scuffle.
Peasant! I am not Steve.
Forgive me, O great and powerful Agathor! As punishment for your insolence you must now carry my backpack of holding.
And you, Agathor does not choose to use his muscles.
Walk me forward! Kubalek, work your dwarfish magic on that portal.
What about Little League? I thought he was gonna be in Little League.
"Tooluck nuck-nuck.
" Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been locked in there for so long, I went all Nell and invented my own language.
What do you think that street racer we saw last night eats for lunch? I bet he measures his seasonings using a hooker's navel.
What an exciting life! Yeah, that was about as obvious as the setup for the sequel - at the end of Batman Begins.
- What are you talking about? You know, when Inspector Gordon gives him thatJoker playing card.
- No.
What about Francine? - What about her? You sounded like you were gonna say something important about Francine.
- No, don't think so.
- Oh.
Oh, I remember.
Francine is fantasizing about the street racer you saw last night.
- Why would she do that? - Why would who do what? - Francine! Street racers! - Oh! Oh, right.
My mind- My mind's all drifty today.
Anyway, you're boring, and Francine's stuck on the street racer - because he represents danger and thrills.
- That's ridiculous! Francine doesn't think things that she doesn't say.
She's not a dog.
- Please, let me play.
- I don't think you're ready yet.
Not ready? I've been watching you for four years! - Nighttime.
- I'm not a parrot.
That trick won't work on- - Jeff? - I'm sorry, dude.
I just had to be near Hayley.
That's her room, right? I just wanna feel close to her again.
Hayley! Knock yourself out, buddy.
I'll be over here killing goblins.
- Excuse me? - I'm playing Dragon Scuffle online with my friends.
See? This is Agathor, my mighty warrior character.
I've spent four years developing him into the most dangerous fighter in the entire kingdom of Krapnor.
Don't you feel like you're kind of missing out on your actual life? See, the problem is that in the real world, things often suck.
But when I'm Agathor, there is no pain, no wedgies, no heartache.
Only victory.
I'm really intrigued.
Although, that could just be the Intriguinol I took this morning.
Francine? - Stan? - That's 2 Fast 2 Furious.
Which means you've already seen the first one.
How else could you possibly follow the highly cerebral story line? It's true.
You're bored of me, aren't you? Um, uh- This is all just a dream you're having.
I represent your father.
You never lived up to the goals I set for you.
Bad Stan.
Bad Stan! Bad Stan! Roger! Roger, wake up! I need you.
Okay, here we go.
I knew it was only a matter of time.
You were right.
Francine's hot for that street racer.
Okay, look, you big tub of booze.
She doesn't want him.
She just wants some excitement.
- So, what do I do? - Simple.
Go find a street racer and challenge him.
That's a great idea! I'll show Francine I'm not boring! Now you're talking.
But if you're gonna street race first thing you gotta do is let me soup up your car a scooch.
What do you know about cars? Well, I know a muscle car is any off-the-line street vehicle with a horsepower-to-weight diviser of 18 or above.
Yeah, when you're locked in a Cadillac sinking to the bottom of the ocean you either learn about cars, or you die.
Agathor, cover me! Dude, what am I doing wrong? Press shift-control-P.
Oh, cool.
We're gonna be dead like my uncle's left hand! Take heart, men.
They always put in a way to win these games.
All hail- Agathor! You were awesome, dude.
Hey, dork of ages, have you seen my- Jeff, what are you doing here? I know it must be hard for someone like you to lose someone like me, but- Oh, my God.
Hellhounds are coming out of the lava! - I'm on it.
- Uh, Jeff, hello.
Woman you worship talking.
This isn't the way to the steak house.
We're not going to a steak house, but there will be stakes- high stakes.
- What do you mean? - Think about it.
Never mind.
We're here.
Where are we? The corner of Excitement Street and Unpredictability Avenue.
I thought we decided against that.
Hold up.
Hold up, yo.
I heard there's a new badass driver in this mug.
They call him "The Suit.
" I tell ya something right now.
He crazy.
Yo, yo, Suit's in the house.
Oh, hey, girl.
Holla at ya boy.
Hey, look, it's the Suit! So you're the fabled Suit I've been hearing about for the past 20 seconds.
- Let's race.
- You're on, minority person.
Stan, you don't have to prove anything to me.
This is dangerous.
My God, I did it! I won! What a rush! I hope this is sweat.
Where's Francine? Oh, God, I hope she's not mad at me for- Yee-haw! I was so sick ofJeff.
And now, I can't stop thinking about him.
I have to figure out a way to win him back from my stupid brother.
Your brother is not the problem.
The problem is Agathor.
Kill him, and you'll getJeff back.
Oh, my God.
You know how to kill him? The question isn't, can I kill him? The question is, do you like me? - Not really.
- Oh.
Anyway, I know how to defeat Steve.
Mighty Agathor once again, your strong arm has proved the salvation of- It's hard to talk like this.
Dude, you rule.
I do, don't I? Fladnag, check these bodies for treasure.
And don't forget to look in their weirdly deep orc butts.
- Yes, sir! - And, Zamfir.
- Yes, great one? - Give us a lively tune for butt searching.
- Halt, fair stranger! - Out of my way, dork of ages.
- Hayley? - No.
I am Morwen Nerdbane here to challenge Agathor to mortal combat.
- Klaus, he's gonna kill me.
- Say Agathor's name backwards.
I shall strike you down with a single- Rohtaga.
That felt good.
And I've almost died from autoerotic asphyxiation.
So I know from good.
Domino, bitch.
Hey, Suit, you're the bomb! All these other guys got nothin' on you.
You are- The second fastest racer on the street.
- Oooh! - Oh, it is on.
Somebody hold my rings.
You talk a big game, but what do you say we settle this like adolescents with very poor judgment.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
I kicked your ass.
I know.
I guess I was wrong about who was going to kick whose ass.
You lost? You never lose! So I lost a little street cred.
I'll get it back.
It's all part of the dance.
Stan, you don't understand.
L- - Where's my money? - If you're smart, in U.
Savings bonds.
Your wife put down What? Francine, why would you bet 50 grand? I needed more excitement! I just wanted that extra rush- to feel that high.
Good God, woman! Couldn't you have just had a Red Bull and a sugar cookie? We don't have $50,000.
Well, you have three hours to get it.
Until then, we keep your wife.
Like hell you will! Stan! Sorry I missed the race.
I was gettin' us victory Slushies.
I can't believe they took Francine.
How am I gonna get $50,000? We'll think of something.
Wait! Pull over! - What? - I kind of want a coconut Popsicle.
- Drive, drive, drive! - What? What's going on? - I robbed the place! - What? I was trying to settle on a pair of sunglasses when I realized how we could get the money.
Yes to these? Stan? Yes to these? Floor it! I do love this night air! Jeff, you wanna get some pizza? You killed Agathor.
How could you do that? Oh, come on.
It was just a character in a game.
Yeah, but to Steve, it was everything.
You know, when you dumped me, I blamed myself.
But after what you did to your brother, you're just heartless! You're bad candy, babe.
And stop enjoying my mural.
So, if my husband can't come up with the money, what are you gonna do to me? - We're gonna kill you.
- Oh, my God.
Shut up! Peasant! The mighty Kubalek desires that you carry all our backpacks to the arcade.
Yes, mighty Kubalek.
And you're not allowed to use the muscles in your legs.
- Oh, my God.
I destroyed him.
- He's not destroyed.
He's just very, very, very, very sad.
Okay, I'm going in.
You cover me.
What am I doing? I'm a man of the law.
I'm gonna handle this my way.
Shoot him! Shoot him in the face! I can't believe this turns some people on.
Jeff, there's a magical amulet! I can bring Agathor back to life.
And why would you do that? I realized you were right.
I should have known how important Agathor was to Steve.
I wanna fix it, but it's a dangerous journey.
I can't do it without you.
Well, okay.
But we're not getting back together.
This isn't a make-up quest.
All business.
- No hugs.
- It was a business hug, but okay.
You're the goat- man- thingy.
Huh? - This is it.
The amulet of resurrection is in there.
- We made it! The Castle Roodpart.
Who comes up with these names? In this world, "Roodpart" is probably some ancient, mystic word- Oh, crap.
It's "trapdoor" spelled backwards.
Oh, there's my penis! All right, there they are.
Oh, them you can see, but me getting my ass kicked, off the radar.
Look, your plan was never gonna work.
I'm gonna handle this my way.
- You got the money? - You got the manners to say hello first? - Hello.
- I got your money.
Let's do this.
Phone books? What the hell is this? Oooh, wow.
See, uh-Ah! I opened it upside down.
The money's supposed to be on top of the phone books.
Run, Francine! Can't a brother get a "Run, Roger"? Damn.
Gotta be all self-running and whatnot.
- They're catching up! - Roger, we need more speed! I gotta lighten this sucker up.
- Is there anything else we can lose? - No, nothing! - What are those? - My Rod Stewart albums! - Lose 'em! - Duck! I made it! Ah, the hell with it.
Choke on my Rod! Look! There's the amulet! He's adorable.
- We are so screwed.
- No, wait.
They always put in some way to win these games.
Why is there a scuba tank on the wall? Of course! Grab your bow.
Smile, you son of a- - Dude, that was awesome! - Thanks.
The amulet! - What do we do with it? - It's a suppository.
Not it! It's impossible.
I'm alive! All hail the mighty Agathor.
Thank you, young warrior.
And now, with haste and grim dignity I go to remove the amulet from betwixt my cheeks.
You know, we make a great team.
I guess I could give us another chance after all.
Actually, I kind of met someone.
- How's it going? - What? When did you meet him? Remember that tavern, and you went to the bathroom? It just kind of happened.
Boy, that- that was exciting, huh? Now listen, if you wanna keep racing, we'll-we'll build a new car.
- A better, faster car.
- No, Stan.
I don't think I needed all this.
- You-You didn't? - No.
I wanted to mix up our routine, but this was too much.
I'd love to find something in between going to the same restaurant every Friday and being kidnapped by heavily armed skinheads.
Something like- I don't know- going dancing or sailing or, uh- - Having sex in the road? - Or having sex in the road.
See, that's perfect.
Why couldn't we do that? We can.
We can totally do that! Let's do it right now.
I don't even think I have to take these shorts off.
Well, let's find out.
Hey, guys.
Miss me? Now you shall learn the meaning of- Rohtaga.
Son of a bitch! Bye.
Have a beautiful day.

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