American Dad s02e17 Episode Script

I Can't Stan You

Attention, everyone.
We are opening our offices for a totally unrestricted inspection.
Therefore, each of you will need to take home and hide one of our many illegal items.
- All right! - Awesome! I hope ponies are illegal! First up a life-size Margaret Thatcher robot.
Ooh, ooh, sir, sir, over here! Sanders, she's all yours.
- Yes! - Oh, man.
Europe was created by history, America by philosophy.
The mouth on this one.
Whoo! Okay, next.
God's autograph.
- Protestants only.
- Aw! Enjoy.
And a machine that turns water into cocaine.
I'll just hang onto this.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go party my nose clean off my face.
Sort out the rest yourselves.
- Look out! - What's in that one? That's mine.
I called it! No, it's not! It's mine! Oh, it's a disintegrator? I thought it was a penis enlarger.
That almost went horribly wrong.
Madame Madame Madame Ma okay I'll just let you talk.
Oh, you done? Okay, I will repeat myself one more time.
I was making my grandchildren some of your French onion soup, I poured the contents of the can into a saucepan, and out plops a human finger.
Now, the stress of this incident has given me walking nightmares, street terrors, diabetes and hysterical pregnancy.
Now, I am going to require a substantial cash settlement somewhere in the amount of whatever one of those ionic breeze machines costs.
My address is Huh? Do I have the finger? Uh Damn! The Lipton woman outfoxed me again.
Honey, look what I got.
Oh, what is that stuff? It's CIA-grade, high-tech, highly illegal surveillance equipment.
Check it out, it's so sensitive you can hear a moth fart.
Open a tiny window, moth.
How much fun is this thing, huh? Very fun, Stan.
But we really need to get going to the Memari's barbecue.
Or or we could sit here in our underpants, drink scotch and listen to the barbecue.
Um I'm actually kind of hungry.
You're right, it wouldn't be fair to the neighbors, they love me.
I'll stop by and make their week.
Turn the chicken crap they call their lives into chicken salad.
The good kind with grapes.
Whoa, moth.
What the hell did you eat? A poncho? Get it? 'Cause Mexican clothes are like Mexican food for moths.
We really should get over there; I'm on fire.
What else can I do? What else can I do? Oh! Oh, oh, I've got it: Finger in a Hot Pocket.
Oh, wait, still need a finger.
Look at Steve.
Living by the sweat of his brow.
Working hard to earn an honest buck.
What a douche.
Doing a bang up job, son.
Thank you, Mr.
Now, I'm going to a neighborhood party.
Not sure if I'm invited.
All I know is I have a casserole dish filled with mousetraps and I'm going.
There, I've done it.
I'm an old man and I've said a crazy thing.
Oh my God, I have fallen! Roger, are you okay? No! Yes.
Play along.
I'm gonna squeeze this old coot for some quick cashish.
Ow! Ouchie! Ow! Wha-What's going on? I'm Steve's cousin.
I tripped on your walkway and I need compensation.
I'll take a check.
And I'll need two forms of I.
Passport's okay or a utility bill with your current You know what, you're boring me.
Make it a thousand, cash.
Roger, please don't do this.
Holworthy's always been very sweet to me.
As sweet as owning that Playstation you've been lusting after? Back me up and I'll buy it for you.
Steven, you're a trust worthy young man.
Is your cousin on the up and up? Mr.
Holworthy, I have to tell you the truth Lying is awesome! So just to show him I'm not a hard-hearted man, I bought all his oranges, I bought all his walnuts, then I had him deported.
Everyone knows the juiciest fruit is bought on the roadside.
Why, hello, Lisa.
Stan, Francine, this is Jarred, my current lover.
Mommy met Jarred at Black Angus while we waited in the car.
Is that right? Well, aren't you a little Bam! Just kidding, partner.
You know sometimes in life you meet people who Bam! Ah! Gotcha again.
Two times.
Well, come along, kids.
You can play house while Jarred and I fornicate on your father's old weight bench.
Aw, are people heading home already? Afraid so, Bob, you see I've got very busy Bam! Dead kid! Mama's crying as she takes your crayon drawings off the fridge.
Francine, that was just what I needed.
I'm surrounded by neighbors who love me.
I feel I am beloved.
Nurse! I'm ready for my bath.
Who's there? Santa? That's Mr.
I must have forgotten to turn off my surveillance equipment.
Did you enjoy the barbecue, sir? Yes.
Except for Stan Smith's interminable yammering.
I thought his stories would never end.
But that's the surprise.
You think my stories won't end, but they do.
How could he how could he say such things? Doesn't he know everyone loves me? Stan, maybe it's not right to listen in on Shh.
I got the Memariss.
Did you see Stan filling his pockets- with shrimp? I mean, what kind of cheap bastard does that? Bob No Why does Stan always show us his class ring? Because when stupid people get nervous, they talk about shiny things.
But gay men are never catty.
What's happening here? Somebody must like me.
And what kind of an idiot points a loaded gun at a child? I made lemonade and fudge! I know, Johnny, but please, mommy's almost there.
All Smith does is talk.
He doesn't know how to listen.
- He's a pig-headed - No-neck Jackass! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I'm not beloved.
I'm hated.
I'm surrounded by people who hate me.
It's our wedding all over again.
Except I'm you.
My God, everybody hates me.
I feel like a Jew outside of New York or Los Angeles.
Hey, why don't we throw a party of our own? You know, to show them that they're wrong about you.
That's a brilliant idea.
We should form a think tank.
What with your ability to come up with ideas and my ability to asses their worth.
We should call it "Thoughts Unlimited.
" That's terrible.
All right, Steve, we are moments away from getting a life time supply of whatever the hell it is they sell here.
So here's what I think we should do.
- You go - Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
You don't get paid to think, you get paid to look honest.
Cup of your hottest coffee, please.
Remember, you're the face, I'm the brain.
Oh, this cup is irresponsibly hot! Oh, my face! Ow! Exactly.
Don't worry, buddy.
We'll get you fixed up.
This wasn't properly anchored.
This should show people you're not cheap.
I put out lobster, caviar and a bowl of ten dollar bills.
Nice work.
What kind of caviar? See? See what I did there? I asked a follow-up question.
I'm listening.
Here they are.
Wish me luck.
Hello, everybody.
Please, come in and talk about yourselves at length.
Ooh, shrimp! And caviar! Is there dip for the ten dollar bills? Johnny.
Bam! Ah, it's an eclair.
Delicious, not deadly.
Ah, we're having fun now.
So, Lisa, who is this handsome new piece of arm candy? This is Bjorn, my Norwegian lover.
We hooked up at the Arco while the kids were pumping gas.
How interesting I find that.
Please continue.
Well, I go inside and there's this gorgeous guy buying a pretzel.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Now, you might notice he smells like fish.
Well, that's because his father owns a herring farm.
Oh! People don't realize there are over The blue herring, the light blue herring, the medium blue herring, which is really only a juvenile lightblue herring Well, thanks for the party.
Thank you for the fascinating story about the shoes you couldn't decide between.
Let me know how it turns out.
-Thanks again.
- Bye-bye.
- Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
I think you did it.
I know I did it.
I am the hit of the neighborhood.
Our neighbors love me.
Stan Smith is Still a complete jackass.
Bob, no! He kept asking about my shoes! I mean, come on, I'm wearing other things.
And the way Stan stared at me when I was talking.
Like he'd never eaten a lavender herring.
Smith was so phony.
Like my children's love.
Turn it off! Turn that thing off! Oh, Stan, who cares what they think? I love you and that's all that matters.
To you maybe.
Francine, I will make these people like me.
As God is my witness, I will be beloved.
Attention, neighbors! An important part of any relationship is vulnerability.
So I will now share with you painful and embarrassing chapters from my life.
Age seven: I put my little cousin's doll in a river and watched it float away.
When she cried, I called her "Little Sally Crypants.
" I don't know why I did it.
Age 11: When my parents wouldn't let me have a fourth cupcake, I burned down their summer home.
When caught, I framed my favorite grandfather.
I don't know why I did it.
Age 15: I put a bunch of flies in a blender Attention, neighbors, it's me again! I found a book at Barnes & Noble that says, "The path to true friendship is paved with selfless generosity.
" Accordingly, I am now going to paint all of your houses at once.
That's lead-based paint! Don't let your kids lick it! Hey, hey, hey, everybody! It's your favorite neighbor! Oh, my God, it's him.
Hey, look at that dangerous pool.
Johnny! Happy Birthday, dude! - Are these rocks? - Not just any rocks.
Pocket rocks! You keep 'em in your pockets.
They only workin your pockets.
That's how you know you got pocket rocks.
Happy Birthday! Oh, my God, Johnny fell in the pool playing with his new birthday present.
Whoever saves him will certainly be beloved, for he who is not afraid to risk life and limb for a neighbor in need My baby! Unhand that child, underwater molester clown.
You need to go.
I have to sell my house because my neighbors don't like me.
Yes, that's the only reason.
Well, I guess you and I have different definitions of silly.
Remind me never to go to the circus with you.
We'd have nothing to talk about.
Hey, where are you guys going? Taking Maggie for a long weekend to the CIA beach house.
- The CIA has a beach house? - We do now.
Congress is letting the CIA seize any property that could help us in the war on terror.
- And this is cool with Bullock? - Don't know.
Nobody's seen him for days.
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, listen to me.
Charlie, Charlie! What's your name again? Wow! So we can just seize anybody's house we want? Hey, what What are you doing?! CIA.
Your house has been seized to help in the war on terror.
How's our house going to help in the war on terror? That's classified, but it's going to help a lot.
There should be no more terror at all very soon.
You will each receive a coupon good for five nights stay at the Cornfield Motel.
The Cornfield Motel providing you all the comfort and elegance of corn.
Honey, good news.
The neighbors no longer hate me, because they're no longer our neighbors.
In other words, there goes the neighborhood.
Ordinarily, that would have racist implications, but I've actually done something far worse.
You evicted all our neighbors?! It's their fault.
I tried to be nice.
I bared my soul, I painted their houses.
I drowned their kids.
Dad, you can't just uproot people from their homes.
She's right.
You're insane.
This man is insane.
Oh, am I? Would an insane man try to drink you? Rose! Rose! - Stan, stop it! - He called me crazy.
Nobody criticizes me! Nobody! Honey No one's criticizing you.
We're your family.
Well, things can happen to families, too! Bad things! No, no, I'm just locked out.
I don't know how I got out here.
Steve, go put on a tie.
We're going to the Four Seasons so you can drink kerosene and puke on yourself.
Roger, I've got an idea.
- We - Face, face, face.
I know.
I know I'm not the Brain, but just hear me out.
Instead of me getting my ass kicked in all these nickel-and-dime cons, what do you say we go for one big score and then call it quits? If we can pull this off, we'll each make 50 grand.
Face, that's catch-your-dream money, that's what that is.
So what's the scam?! You must be the Hannigans.
Maurice Barns, All-Star Realty.
You're gonna love this house.
Here you go.
I'm also a singer, songwriter.
I'm playing a gig at Sarah's Coffee House next Thursday.
Plugging my new self-released CD.
Real soul-searching.
Heavy stuff.
Buy the house, don't buy the house, you're comped either way.
Don't let it influence your decision.
My mother killed herself when I was 12.
Track four.
One of the paramedics molested me on the way to the morgue.
It's all in the liner notes.
Come in, come in, come in.
Now, I love these built-ins.
You don't see these anymore.
And these are walls.
You know, when people say "the walls are closing in on them"? Well, this is what they're referring to.
So, do we have a deal? Why is there a half-eaten mealon the table? It almost looks like the occupants were forcibly dragged out in the middle of dinner.
Oh, you can do the kitchen however you want.
Oh, look! Another serious buyer.
I'm another serious buyer.
But you're so young.
How could you possibly afford this house? - Remember the kid from Jerry Maguire? - Yes.
- Of course.
Well, he pays me to call hotels before his arrival to ensure they have pillows that can support his massive head.
I do quite well.
Which is why I'm prepared to offer you $99,000.
- And not a penny more.
- Oh, yeah? Let me see the cash.
I don't need to see the cash.
Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K, or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife? Well, are you? What are we going to do about Dad? He's completely lost it.
Shh! If he hears us, he'll send us all to the Cornfield Motel! Well, we have to do something.
We can't keep living like this.
Oh, mein Gott! He has heard everything! You were criticizing me! And, if you criticize me, then you don't love me.
And if you don't love me, then you must hate me! Just like the neighbors! Oh, no! Stan, you can't do this! Oh, good! Criticize me more.
That worked well the first time.
I am a rock.
I am an island.
I am incontinent.
Get it? Sounds like "continent.
" Geez, Frank.
It's called a breath mint.
Did that couple's check clear? Yep.
50 grand for you, 50 for me.
You realize we can't speak to one another for a long time.
Don't try to find me.
But if I hear that you die before me, I'll leave a rose on your grave every year.
Well, every five years.
I'll think of you.
I won't.
We are so pleased you have chosen to purchase your own restaurant in the Señor Toad's family.
Ribbit! It's like olé.
Anyways, here is your official Señor Toad's sombrero, and your complimentary fire extinguisher that shoots tequila.
Is this - heaven? - No.
It's Mexico.
That makes sense, 'cause it smells like Mexico.
Now, all that remains is your franchise fee of $50,000.
Of course.
This is just a photocopy of a 14-year-old boy's butt.
What is the meaning of this?! "Dear Roger, you taught me well.
" "Perhaps a little too well.
" "You told me that everyone's either a sucker, a crook," "or just plain greedy.
" "I guess you were all three.
" "As for you, old friend, I think you'll like Mexico.
" "It's a lot like America" "on Opposite Day.
" "Adios, sucker.
- "The Brain.
" - So The Face becomes The Brain.
And The Brain is stuck in Mexico without a penny.
I must plan my next move carefully.
Ah! This is how life should be.
No one to criticize me.
No one to disagree.
No one to Help me! Johnny, you You saved my life.
- I thought you hated me.
- What? Why would you think that? I heard what you said about me.
I was eavesdropping.
I heard what everyone said.
It was uncomplimentary.
Smith, people talk smack about each other all the time.
- You're not the only one.
- I'm not? Come with me.
I just ran into Holworthy at the ice machine.
He had food on his neck.
How long has that been there? That Linda Memari is one hairy woman.
I felt like Jane Goodall just talking to her.
Lisa Collins is such a skank.
Let's make a list of people she hasn't slept with.
Let's go to dinner.
Wow, Johnny.
You're right.
Everyone hates everyone.
- So I'm not despised.
- No more than anyone else.
You know, you're a real bright kid, Johnny.
I gotta say, I've lived in this neighborhood for a long time and Bam! Dead kid in the cornfield! Crows pecking out your eyes! Mama can't find you for weeks! - You're an ass, Mr.
- And you're funny-looking.
We're pals.

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