American Dad s03e01 Episode Script

- Francine, the meal looks delicious.
- Thank you, Klaus.
I'm starting a new family tradition of Sunday-night dinners.
Wait, only four place settings? No, that's cool.
That's cool.
I'm supposed to hang with my chick anyway.
She's been bugging me to spend more time with her, and she doesn't exist.
Franny, I need you to run lines with me.
- I'm going for a part on Ghost Whisperer.
- What? Oh, I didn't tell you? I'm gonna become the greatest actor of all time.
Okay, let's do this.
Some say you're a ghost whisperer.
If you truly are a ghost whisperer, then you'll let me talk to my dead wife.
Not now, Roger.
Dinner's ready.
Oh, Franny, it's so awful the way they treat you.
- I'm just trying to do something nice - Damn it, I still can't cry on cue.
I'm gonna go work on it.
What, no dinner? You're a terrible wife and mother.
Everyone ran off last week before I could explain the point of Sunday-night dinner.
Which is to reconnect as a family.
And when your father gets home, we'll do just that.
Hi, I'll take a roast beef to go and a medium Mr.
Pibb, no ice.
Fantastic.
Stan, get inside right now and have dinner with your family.
If that's your attitude, I don't know why you people even have a drive-through.
Didn't get Whisperer.
Casting director's a whore, she hates me.
But I'm up for Medium.
The writing's more complex on this one.
Some say you're a medium.
Well, if you truly are a medium, then you'll let me talk to my dead wife.
- Roger, not now.
- Dream-killer.
Why can't I cry? Stan, the family is trying to bond and we would appreciate your help.
Right, kids? I can't, Jeff.
I'm having stupid dinner with my stupid family.
You see, Stan? Our family's drifting apart.
All right, Francine.
Just relax.
I know exactly what we need.
It's time for a Smith family vacation.
Yeah, we always have the best time on vacation.
Dad, can we go to Graceland? If you wanna pay respects to a fat man who died on the toilet we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave.
This place is amazing.
I love you all so much.
Family hug.
You were right, Stan.
This vacation is exactly what we needed.
Hello.
Roger? Wakey, wakey, eggs and bac-ey.
Roger, what's going on? I woke you up because I need to borrow your blue dress.
I've decided to go out for parts as a woman.
It came to me out of nowhere when I was watching Tootsie last night on AMC.
Then they showed Arachnophobia.
Not what I would call an American movie "classic.
" No, Roger.
Why are we in these things? Oh, the goo.
Yeah.
Every year, Stan checks out these artificial-memory chambers from the CIA plops you suckers in and then programs a great vacay.
This year's Maui.
Sweet.
Did you get me one of those "hang loose" T-shirts? - See? Because you didn't really go.
- But if we're in here, where's Stan? Come on, Georgetown.
Hoyas.
Hoyas.
- Hoyas.
Hoyas.
Hoyas.
- Hoyas.
Hoyas.
Hoyas.
There's an old German saying, "Don't blame the fish.
" There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide.
Let me get this straight.
All of our vacations, the only thing that ever brought this family together have been a big, fat, fake lie? Yes! - Yes to you and yes to the game.
- How did you get us into those vats? Well, remember how every year I cook our annual pre-vacation pancakes? Stan, aren't you excited to go to the Galápagos Islands? Can't wait.
Now eat up.
Then I gingerly carry your bodies downstairs strip you down, put you in the goo and program the greatest family vacation ever.
So in Mexico when I went hang-gliding and you told me you loved me? - Neither of those things ever happened.
Why do this? I wanted you to have good memories but my idea of a vacation is a vacation away from you people.
That's terrible.
Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond.
- We could go skiing.
- Or, here's an alternate pitch.
Stay here, watch the Duke game Just hear me out.
I order boneless wings from KFC.
- But - Hang on to that thought.
I take a long bath and then Wait for it.
- None of you are here.
Or Just hear me out.
We stay home, and for the rest of our lives together every time you doze off, I slam a book on your testicles.
Did someone say skiing? Yes.
I did.
I'm so nervous.
This is my first soap opera audition.
Oh, my God, I didn't see you there.
You make absolutely no impression at all.
Betty Bea Getty McClanahan, we're ready for you.
- Good luck.
- Oh! Oh, you did it again.
Darling, I swear, put a bell around your neck or something.
Yes, Mr.
Sureshow, I may have left Sunrise Valley a girl but I can assure you, I return a confident, sexy woman who can shoe a horse and please her man.
Yes! We have found our Miss Fiona.
My dream has come true.
You humble me.
I am humbled.
Excuse me.
Go home, bitches.
Show's over.
I nailed it.
What a day.
Perfect powder, the slopes were empty.
Family hug.
Sorry, I need this outlet to plug in the "Tempest" machine I got on eBay.
- Stan! - I didn't do this.
Where's Steve? Don't get me wrong, I like the Berenstain Bears.
I just wouldn't want one of them marrying my daughter.
- Indeed.
- Steve! How could you put us in the goo? Dad had the right idea.
I need time away from you people too.
Okay, enough of this.
Clearly, the men in this house can't be trusted.
Hayley, come on.
You and I are gonna plan a real trip.
- You undressed me? - Oh, no.
Toshi did.
- It's so hot, Brock.
- Oh, you'll get used to it, Miss Fiona.
Will I? I'm pregnant.
Pregnant! - Cut.
- What the hell, Jerry? I need you to make the crying more convincing.
You think I can't cry? I can cry.
I cried when I read this dreck.
Who wrote it? An illiterate Irishman's Polish monkey? - I did.
- I quit.
If you quit, I'll see to it you never work in this town again.
Let me explain something to you about show business, Jerry.
It's a business.
And I am the greatest actor of all time.
- What's your name? - Parker.
Lunch was late today.
"Attach stabilizing-rod B to ankle-constraint A"? We should've just paid the guy to put this together.
Hayley! I can't believe you put us in the goo.
What? We planned to go to Italy, so I sent you to Italy.
You're missing the point.
All I wanted was to have dinner once in a while and spend some real time together.
But you know what? I'm done.
Done.
And you know why? Because you are an ass family.
If someone asked me who lived in this house, I'd say the Asses.
And I'd be right.
I just I don't know why it has to l Hey Mr.
S, you wanna help strap me into this thing? Francine, you were right.
We've been horrible.
- But we're gonna make it up to you.
- We booked a cruise.
- We leave in an hour.
- You're just gonna put me in the goo.
No, we're not.
Honey, look.
I'm returning the goo chambers to the CIA.
Ma'am, don't get any of that goo on you.
It'll rot out your womb.
Oh, my God.
We are going on a real vacation.
The only goo you're gonna see is goo-od times.
It was a stretch, but I made it work, didn't I? - No.
- That's right.
Remember, the winning family gets 100 cruise points, no cash value.
I want those valueless cruise points.
- Smiths win.
- Yes! I'm gonna go sign us up for face-painting class.
Steve, you're gonna be a rabbit.
Hayley, you're gonna be a squirrel.
And I'm gonna be a panda.
- I can't take this cruise any more.
- I'll tell you something.
I am at my limit.
Here is the line and here's face-painting, okay? Yeah, yeah, try and paint my face.
Come at me with a brush, see what happens.
- I miss the goo.
- I know this is torture.
But we owe it to your mother to pretend to have a great time as a family.
- So let's turn it up a notch.
- Okay.
- Fine.
- Come on, Hayley, let's go to the bar.
Steve, you stay here and cool off with a charley horse.
Hi, I'm Becky, cruise activities director.
I'm Steve.
I have five friends on MySpace and I'm awaiting approval from a sixth.
- You're cute.
- Oh, in a harmless little brother kind of way, right? No, in an I've-taken-a-lot-of-boys'-virginity kind of way.
- What a day for our family.
- Family.
You guys sure are having a good time.
Of course we are.
That's what families do.
They have good times.
To family! - Family! - Francine, guess what tonight is.
Sunday.
We're about to finally have that special Sunday-night dinner you wanted.
Hi, Steve.
Wanna introduce me to your family? Family! - Why didn't you do it that time? - I thought we were done with it.
Hey, everyone, this is Becky.
She works on the boat.
Your son is 14, going on me.
Okay, something's not right here.
You're all too happy, you keep yelling "family.
" Family! How's it feel? Not so good? And now a thin girl is crazy for Steve? I don't buy it.
You put me in the goo again.
Francine, I swear on the lives of our future grandchildren that only Steve will be able to give us, this is real.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Fantastic Cruises Dinner Theater proudly presents some poor soul on the downswing of their career doing a tribute to Olivia Newton-John.
Xanadu Can 't cry on cue Now I am here in Xanadu Ma'am, I talked to the chef.
There's no cream in the soup, like you asked.
Xanadu Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John on our cruise ship? Oh, this has goo written all over it.
Honey, no.
You saw them take those machines away.
I promise, this is real.
Oh, yeah? Well if it's real, then I probably shouldn't do this.
I'm sorry, sir.
She thinks she's in the goo.
Francine, come back.
Mom, get down from there.
I'll see you all in the living room in a minute.
I'm in the goo.
You're not in the goo.
And you have the room key.
Becky, thanks for getting us this lifeboat.
I mean, lifeboobs.
Wait.
No, no, I was right.
Stan! Oh, Francine, thank God you're okay.
You know, while I was out there, I made a promise to God.
I said if he saved me, I'd dedicate my life to him.
Obviously, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm starved.
Did you bring any food? Didn't need to.
The ship's got plenty of food.
Oh, so you told the ship to come back for us? Yeah, that would've been the call.
I'm sure Roger will get them to come back.
- How dare you treat a lady like this? - We caught you stealing silverware.
I did nothing of the kind.
Okay, okay, I took your silverware.
But in fairness, you ran out of the mango shrimp salad two brunches in a row.
So who's the real thief here? Both.
Both of us.
You seem to be in distress.
I just can't catch a break.
And I don't have any money to get home.
You know, I'm an actress.
And I'm amazing.
Really? My cousin runs a small performance space.
- Perhaps he could use you.
- Oh, the theater.
That's where I cut my teeth.
Trotting the boards with Phil.
Seymour Hoffman.
Oh, Equus.
We haven't eaten in four days.
Damn it, why couldn't you jump off the boat after dinner? This isn't my fault.
I just wanted us to spend some time together.
Steve's hiding food.
No, it's just a picture I took with some grapes.
- Give it to me.
- Share it, you have to share it.
No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now? Look.
A house.
We're saved.
I'm gonna check out the situation.
And you guys can check out my ass as I walk away.
I think you'll be pleased.
- Yeah, hi.
We landed on your beach.
- They better have food up there.
If they have any chocolate sauce, I'll let you lick it off me.
On, no thanks.
My mom doesn't like me to eat chocolate.
But maybe some nice carob paste or some hummus.
Okay, here's the deal.
- They're gonna hunt us.
- What? The guy said we had a 20-minute start.
Then they're gonna hunt us like animals.
That doesn't sound right.
Yeah, now that I said it out loud, it does sound a little strange.
I'm gonna go see what's going on.
Hi, I'm Francine.
My husband seems to think that you were gonna hunt us down like animals.
Yep.
Okay, then.
Look, that cloud looks like one of those old-fashioned phones.
Yeah, and that string of clouds next to it looks like the cord.
That's a good addition.
It does look like the cord.
- Good contribution.
- It's real! It's real! Get out of my way! - I'm exhausted.
- I'm starving.
Steve has a charley horse.
We should all spend the night here and rest.
Mr.
Smith, you light a fire and I'll catch rainwater with one of these plant leaves.
Becky! - She's gone.
- No! - We're trapped.
- I'll get us out.
I'm too weak from hunger.
I used my last bit of energy giving Steve that charley horse.
- Worth it.
- We are gonna die in here.
I can't believe starving to death is how I'm going out.
I thought for sure I'd shoot myself in my study.
Stop it.
No one is gonna die.
Mom, there's no way out and there's nothing in this cave we can eat.
Actually, there is one thing.
- Good Lord, Francine.
- Oh, my God, Mom! That's disgusting.
Of course it is.
But I'm not gonna stand by and watch my family perish.
This is our first real vacation we've taken together and it sure as hell is not gonna be the last.
Now who's with me? Francine, you've clearly gone insane.
I'm not even gonna entertain that idea.
You wanna play 20 questions until we die? I'm thinking of a person.
- Ronald Reagan.
- Damn.
Is this a nickel? Someone threw a nickel.
Cold.
Eddy, what's become of me? I was gonna be the greatest actor of all time.
But instead, I've hit rock bottom.
Actually, this is the bottom.
Meet Señor Hidalgo.
You will be having unpleasant sex with him tonight.
What? Oh, my God.
This can't be happening.
What am I doing here? I miss my house, I miss my family.
I just wanna go home.
I just wanna close my eyes and, when I open them I'll be home, okay? Señorita, no, no.
Do not cry.
Never before have I been so moved.
Here, take this money.
Go.
Go, start a new life for yourself far away from this place and my indiscriminate boner.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Bless you.
Bless you.
I did it.
I can finally cry on cue.
I truly am the greatest actor of all time.
Oh, thank God I'm out of that jam.
Gonna be a long trip home.
Maybe I'll just stop in here for a little drink.
Okay, that's it.
Let's do it.
Let's eat her.
- Steve! - Stan, he's choosing life.
- There's no shame in that.
- Hayley! I've eaten macrobiotic burritos.
I can eat this.
Stan, we either do this as a family or not at all.
No! Don't you get it? She's a human being.
A human being with a name.
Becky Arangino.
She's from Seattle.
She's 5-foot-4.
She's an organ donor.
Okay, I'll say it.
I'll say what we're all thinking.
We ate a person.
We did.
But I'll say another thing.
It's Sunday night and we finally had a family dinner.
And you know what? It was nice.
Ready.
- It's paint.
- Awesome! Yeah.
Red team wins.
- We're not dead.
- Of course not.
No one dies here at Jimmy Buffet's Most Dangerous Game Family Retreat.
Man, it took us two days to find you.
You must be starving.
Hey, weren't there five of you? Well, nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.
So where do you guys wanna go next year? - To the goo.
- To the goo!