American Dad s03e03 Episode Script

Dope and Faith

And so we say goodbye to Walter Ellis.
Good old 5-foot-11 Walter.
Who could forget his blue eyes and brown hair? And some kind of striped shirt with maybe something written on it? This is ridiculous.
Even Father Donovan can't remember who this poor schlub was.
You will be respectful in the house of the Lord.
Look at Steve.
He's a good Christian.
- Mouth shut, nose in the Bible.
- Really? Of course.
He's reading the glorious passage where Dumbledore makes the candles float in the cafeteria.
And so we'll certainly miss our dear old friend Walter who was also qualified to ride a motorcycle.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Now let's raffle off his stuff! First up, some kind of crappy little paddleboat.
Oh, I totally want that.
Dear Lord, please make my ticket the winner.
Oh, and now you'll win? Even if there was a God, I doubt he'd run the universe like a vending machine, where you put in a prayer - Six four one.
- Yes! Thank you, Jesus.
God is my co-pilot and the Virgin Mary is my hot stewardess.
More nuts, Mary.
Don't worry, Francine.
I'm not a millionaire.
I'm just taking my paddleboat out on her maiden voyage and you're coming with me.
I would, Stan, but Linda and I are going to the mall to watch Mexican babies get their ears pierced.
- Fine.
How about it, Steve? - Steve and I are going to the carnival.
I'm gonna make out with the deaf girl who runs the Tilt-A-Whirl.
She'll reject me, but for the rest of my life carnivals will always have a sad magic about them.
Sad magic.
If anybody ever writes a book about Doug Henning, that's your title.
- Hayley, I guess it's you and - No.
Then I'll call a friend.
I'll just open up my address book.
Oh, my God.
Stan has no friends.
And he didn't even realize.
He's like America, the guy.
What are you talking about? Of course I have friends.
Stan, honey, you don't.
But I gotta have friends.
Even child molesters have friends.
I mean, they're usually other child molesters but they go to lunch and stuff.
Well, look at that.
The moth can be your friend.
As long as you stand near bright lights and avoid cedar.
Francine, how can this be true? What the hell's wrong with me? Well, for starters, you're an intolerant, judgmental extremist.
Wait a minute.
Of course I have a friend: My boss.
And I'm gonna go see him right now.
Sorry, I was only half paying attention to all that.
Is Dad a millionaire? - Yes? - It's Smith, sir.
I thought after working together all these years you might like to hang out.
SeƱor Bullock no here.
Go away or I kill you.
Sir, I can actually see you through the window.
You spent all your money trying to win a hat with antlers? I do not choose to discuss it.
I see a very lucky boy.
Wow, really? Will you tell my fortune? Steve, before she tells you your future, let me tell you her past.
Forty years of alcoholism and three doctorless abortions.
You are a sad, angry little person.
- That's uncanny.
- What would you like to know? I don't know.
I guess just if there's anything special about me or Yes.
You are special.
I see it.
Steve, she's just repeating whatever you say.
You're just jealous because I'm special and you're not.
You're boring and regular.
"Regular"? Oh, Steven.
I am going to hurt you so bad.
I got a question about the future.
You see yourself taking a shower ever? Dear Lord, if you're not too busy giving the guys at McDonald's new sandwich ideas, I wanted to ask you something.
Am I a loser? Because I don't have any friends.
I mean, I just want someone who wants to hang out with me, you know? Someone I have something in common with.
Is that your Eager Beaver 350 out front? That paddleboat is a sweet machine.
- Brett Morris.
- Stan Smith.
So you like paddleboats? Damn right.
I think it's because they remind me of a better time when white males had all the power instead of just most of it.
I hate how we only have most of the power.
The problem is the liberals' generous social programs.
They've turned us into a nation of wimpy - Flag-burning foreigner lovers.
- Foreigner lovers.
Oh, for God's sake.
I was just taking a midnight stroll when I saw what looked like a magical owl fly by, and Look at that.
It's right here and it's carrying a letter.
What does it say? It says I've been admitted to Hogwarts School of Wizardry.
The gypsy was right.
I am special.
And here I was thinking you were just a gullible idiot.
- When do you start? - This Saturday.
I'd better start packing.
Who deserves a Milk Dud? You do.
I think I'm gonna take some time off from the restaurant and patrol the Canadian border for old people trying to get good, inexpensive drugs.
You in? Like a morally justified lethal injection.
Stan, I am so glad I met you.
Most people just think I'm intolerant and judgmental.
- But you get me.
- And you get me.
I guess that's why God in his infinite and glorious wisdom brought us together.
- Or whatever.
- What do you mean? Well, I don't believe in God.
- Stan.
Stan, you okay? - Atheist! Stan, relax.
Why is this such a big deal? - What, that you're a godless heathen? - But we agree about everything else.
We're both gun-loving, red-meat-eating Republicans with a passion for paddleboats that sometimes borders on the erotic.
And we're both godless heathens.
Wait, that's just you! Look, I'm sorry, Stan but I've just never seen any reason to believe God exists.
Okay, well, I can help you with that.
Give me one second.
- Lab.
- Hey.
How you coming with that machine that beams an image of God into people's brains? Yeah, we're gonna have to call you back.
I don't need science.
That's exactly what I'm trying to disprove.
I am about to show you irrefutable proof that God exists.
Hey, whatever it takes to put this whole thing behind us.
Just look at that sunset.
If that's nothing but science, then why is it so damned romantic? - Stan, please let go of my hand.
- I will not.
The 1980 U.
Olympic hockey team? I mean, sure, they were underdogs, but that's not a miracle.
Not the team.
Kurt Russell.
He's been working steadily for 46 years.
No lull.
No lull! - Now, that's a miracle.
- Well, birth is an amazing process.
But it's completely explainable by natural laws.
Okay, I'll give you that, but look at the vagina.
Look at it stretch.
It's so strong and resilient.
That's what our troops should be wearing.
Well, here we are.
This is Hogwarts.
The American campus.
- I know it doesn't look like much, but - You Muggles.
Clearly, there's a spell at work, hiding the true appearance of the school.
You wouldn't understand how these things work.
Why don't you go bang on the door, let them know you're here? Well, have fun with your regular boring life, Roger.
I've got magic to learn.
Okay, Steve.
How special are you gonna feel when some crack whore throws you off her porch? - You the new kid? - Yes, sir.
The owl brought me my official letter of admission.
- Shut up.
Get your ass in here.
- Oh, you're so strict.
You'll probably turn out to be a good guy.
- Is he fighting invisible Dementors? - Shut up.
Potions class.
Did you get all this stuff from Professor Snape? You do not freaking ask who we got this from.
He who shall not be named.
This is Hoppy.
He knows what to do.
My potions partner.
You're my Ron Weasley.
Is that a spell? Breathe it in.
Just smell it.
This rotting whale proves God exists.
Even in death it provides sustenance for the Lord's other creatures.
And a pretend jail for me.
Let me out of here.
Squidface does horrible things to me after lights out.
Unspeakable things.
Enough, Stan.
Why is this such a big deal? If I can't make you believe in God, then you won't go to heaven.
And I want our friendship to last forever.
Just picture it.
Thank you, Stan.
Thank you for proving to me God exists so I can have this awesome afterlife.
You're the best friend ever.
Wouldn't that be so awesome? But the only way it can happen is if you embrace God.
Look, Stan, I like that you're close-minded.
It's one of the things we share.
But if you can't accept me for who I am, then this friendship is over.
Brett, no.
You gotta believe.
The Lord is my shepherd, but you're my ride home.
I got your message that you needed me right now, poolside.
Oh, Father Donovan.
Right this way.
Your husband is home and he's looking right at us.
I know he's here.
I called you over so you could talk to him.
Next time, maybe don't end your text message with a sideways smiley face.
It's very misleading.
What? I'm having a spiritual crisis.
What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God? Well, Stan, we're hardly best friends.
I tried everything to convince Brett that God exists, but nothing worked.
Now he's gonna burn in hell for all eternity.
I am so sick of listening to everyone's problems.
Why do people only come to me when their lives are in shambles? Of course.
People turn to God in times of crisis.
If I wanna save Brett's immortal soul, all I have to do is destroy his life.
Thanks, Father.
So am I gonna see some jugs, or am I wasting my time here? Is there a freaking pineapple embargo or what? Hey.
You're alive and probably pretty pissed.
What the hell is that? It's $2000 my professor gave me for doing a good job in potions class.
Two Two grand? Yeah.
You can have it if you want.
It's Muggle money.
So now, why would I be pissed? You would be pissed if I forgot to give you this magic wand.
It's so light.
I can't tell if I'm leading it or it's leading me.
- Is that another one? - No, that's a chopstick.
Look, I've been acting like a jackass.
It was ridiculous of me to think we had to agree about every little thing.
That's okay, Stan.
I can't stay mad at you.
That's such a relief.
And as a token of my unconditional friendship, I wanna give you this.
I hope you know I'd do anything to save this friendship.
Go ahead, take a closer look.
What an unexpected piece of adversity.
Are you okay? Yeah, I think so.
I'm just glad my wife and kids weren't home.
Oh, yeah.
Wow, that was lucky.
I can't believe this.
It's completely destroyed.
You know, it's times like this I'm glad I've got God to turn to.
It's times like this I'm glad I've got homeowner's insurance.
I'm failing him.
Some friend you are, Stan.
Show me the way, Lord.
Show me the way to really make him suffer.
Order up! Order up.
Well, thanks for nothing.
My insurance won't cover explosions.
Well, at least you still have this restaurant.
Sir, we have a problem.
So far, 53 cases of bird flu have been traced to Brett's Breakfast Joint.
Although, I gotta say, I ate there this morning, and l This is a nightmare.
I put my life into that restaurant.
So, what are you gonna do? Where will you turn in this hour of need? It's gonna be okay.
The important thing is I've still got my family.
Yeah, I kind of thought you might say that.
Brett, I've realized I'm a lesbian, so I'm leaving you.
What? When did you become a lesbian? That is so ignorant.
You don't become a lesbian.
It's not like someone shot a beam into my head and suddenly I'm gay.
Don't do this.
You're all I have! Put on your pants, Jesus.
There's someone at the door.
Brett? Brett? My God.
Brett, no! Wait there.
I'm coming! Hello, Sharper lmage? Yeah, give me three Sopranos pinball machines the radio golf ball, the floating ant farm a flashlight hammer to smash the ants with if they piss me off I'm gonna call right back.
What the hell is that? I wanted to practice potions at home, so I borrowed some supplies.
Oh, my God.
What did you do? Professor Ice Pick won't mind.
It's like I'm doing extra credit.
Do they know where you live? Do they know where you live? Hey, look who's here.
Professor! - We can't let them know we're home.
- Why not? Because they're Death Eaters.
Disguised as teachers from the school.
Oh, God.
I pooed.
Occulus repairo You.
You put him up to this? I'll save you, Roger.
You like that? Get his ass.
I'm amazingly focused right now.
You want some, too? I got plenty for everybody.
TV is safe.
I did it.
- What? - My spells defeated the Death Eaters.
I am awesome! That's right.
Which is why I'm gonna show you how to make a cool potion in this bathtub.
- What do we need? - Some sulphuric acid and a hacksaw.
Come on, Brett.
You can pull out of this.
Dear Lord, I know this is all my fault.
I was intolerant.
I tried to change my friend, and look what happened.
I swear to you, if you bring Brett back, I will accept him exactly the way he is.
Brett, I thought I lost you.
- Stan.
- Look, Brett, I have to tell you the truth.
I was behind all those bad things that happened to you.
I'm so sorry.
I was just trying to get you to turn to God.
Stan, it's okay, because I believe now.
I believe in God.
- Really? - Yes.
I actually met him.
Right before he kicked me down to hell for committing suicide.
That's where I met the devil, who agreed to let me come back to life if I would work to spread the fame and glory of Satan.
Now, Brett, you know you've suffered some massive head trauma.
No, Stan, it's true.
Where else would I have gotten this awesome goat guitar and be able to play it like this? - You made a bargain with the devil? - Hang on.
But that's your eternal soul.
Man, I'm starved.
Wanna go get some nachos and watch the Ravens game? Brett, you're a Satanist.
I could only be friends with you if you believed in Believed in what? Whatever you want, pal.
Whatever you want.
Thanks, Stan.
- Hey, you still play golf, right? - Stan, I'm a Satanist, not a poor person.

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