American Dad s04e04 Episode Script

Choosy Wives Choose Smith

TS: jesslataree, babybello synchro: mpm Sounds terrific, honey.
Well, the recital's three months away, so I have time to get even better.
Lindsay Cooliage is what they call a cello slut.
This could be my big chance.
Bye! Going on the road with Klaus for 15 weeks following My Morning Jacket, it's a band.
- Hang on.
Cell phone? - Check.
- Emergency credit card? - Check.
- Morning-after pills? - 20 and a refill.
All right, have fun you two! That's right, you're not dreaming.
I actually look this good.
- Man's Wearhouse? - I guarantee it.
It was a little present to myself for getting my pilot's license.
Stanford Smith! I forbid you to fly! Small planes are very dangerous.
That's ridiculous, small planes are the safest of all.
If Richie Valens' plane had been just a little bit small, - he'd still be alive today.
- Please, I am begging you.
Don't fly.
I didn't want to tell you this, but Twenty years ago, right before I met you, - I was engaged to another man.
- What? His name was Travis.
- He was a pilot.
- Like me.
Well, one day, his small plane went down.
That's just a reenactment of what I did when I found out.
Anyway, I thought he was dead.
He turned up alive a couple of months after I met you.
But by that time, we were engaged and I knew you were the one for me.
Your heart was promised to another? Wh What didn't you ever tell me? Because I thought you'd overreact.
But actually, you're taking this better than I expected.
I'm so relieved.
What do you want for dinner? I don't know, like a niçoise salad something easy.
Roger, what the hell? Where do all these people come from? Club Rubber just let out.
Everybody's still rolling pretty hard and I'm selling water.
- Want to hand out pacifiers? - I'm not in the mood.
- I found out that Francine - The whole missing fiance thing.
- She told you? - I was under the table when she told.
Don't ask what I was doing under there.
- What were you - Eavesdropping.
Anyway, you're probably feeling like second best, huh? Like you wouldn't believe.
There's some guy out there who Francine almost married.
Who is he? What is he all about? Is he better than me? It's normal, you're curious.
Like the monkey.
Except he was curious about whether the man in the yellow hat would violate him with a banana.
Which is something to be curious about.
I just wish I knew what Francine's ex was like.
You know what? Pack some road sodas, we're going to the CIA to do a little recon on this guy.
Now you're talking! Pound it! Can I rub your back? Boy, does that sound like heaven! I'm kind of in a rush, though.
I was about to track down my wife's ex.
You know what? A quick one.
Yes to a quick one.
- Are we swimming? - You wanna be swimming? If you wanna be swimming, we're swimming, dude.
Playing the cello like Yo-Yo Ma Soon I'll be unsnapping Lindsay Cooliage's bra You're a funny little mister.
Looking for a friend? Oh, my God! Somebody help us! Somebody call 911! You're gonna be okay.
I'll get you some help.
Who has a cellular phone? Hang in there, little man.
Go around! Give us some space! You're hurt pretty bad.
Go around! This is all my fault.
I'm so sorry.
I gotta get you to a vet.
Why would you do that? I was trying to help you.
Don't go around.
Go over him.
Resume normal traffic flow.
My hat's off to you, Stan.
You are some kind of crazy.
Flying all the way to Montana just to get a look at this Travis Bowe.
Well, I'd rather be acting crazy than feeling crazy.
That's good, Stan.
I'm gonna write that down when we land Already forgot it.
You'll see you're better than this guy.
He's probably a hick anyway.
Look at this place.
There is not a thing around.
Yeah, the closest town to here is my ass.
And that place is a hole.
We have a good back and forth, you and me.
I've had better.
Oh, man! He's handsome! Let's get out of here, I look like hell.
Excuse me, outdoorsman.
Are you Travis Bowe? No, I help out with the terminally-ill children, he flies here for fresh air and horse rides.
Here comes Travis now.
I have no idea who you guys are.
But you're welcome to as many hot meals and warm cots as you need.
Hi, I'm Ro Roger.
I like to help people.
It's kind of my thing.
I specialize in sick kids and animals.
In fact, I'm on my way to birth a calf with John Cougar Mellencamp.
Makes his guitar picks out of a sun-dried placenta.
My God, he's perfect! He makes me look like you and you look like you with your shirt off.
- What? - I can't believe it.
Francine got robbed of this guy and had to settle for me.
Did I keep her from the man she was supposed to be with? I have to find out.
Oh, God.
Instead of just talking this through with Francine, - are you gonna do something crazy? - Most likely.
Oh, yeah! It's gonna be a wild ride.
Strap me on! Wait, did I say "on"? I meant, strap me in.
You know what? Either way.
Francine, stop what you're doing.
I met him.
- Who? - Travis.
Stan, why the hell did you track down my ex fiancé? Because I had to see how I stacked up.
Travis is manly, kind, generous.
And handsome.
Don't you dare forget handsome.
Hear that? Your true love's handsome.
You're my true love.
I chose you.
You chose nothing.
Travis's faulty plane engine did all the choosing for you.
- Admit it, you settled.
- I didn't settle for anything! For the last time, I love you and I'm happy.
Now, leave me alone! Travis really dodged a bullet with that mad smasher.
I can't believe you left the cat in the middle of the road.
I told you, he scratched me.
He was probably terrified.
Hey, little shoes.
How are you holding up? Careful, Snot.
You just gotta be gentle.
Chicky chicka.
You gotta go, "chicky chicky chicka.
" Like that.
Chicky chicky chicka.
There you go, silly tummy.
What were you so worked up about? This guy's a cupcake.
You can take it from here.
I gotta go trim my mustache for synagogue.
Is that it? You were just scared? I'm gonna go slow this time.
I never even introduced myself.
I'm Steve.
I'm gonna call you Simon.
Chicky chicky chicka, Simon? I'm a friend.
You know that now? Friend? Dammit! Screw you, jerk cat.
Son of a whore! You really know how to apologize to a girl.
Peebo Bryson on the damn stereo? Doing it right.
- Travis? - Hello, Francine.
What are you doing here? I invited him.
Francine, you got a great guy here.
He came all the way to Montana to find me.
Will you excuse us for a sec? What are you doing? I'm giving you the choice you didn't get 20 years ago.
Have dinner with him.
Look into his eyes.
If you chose him, I'll understand.
- Stan, I already told you - Enjoy the salmon.
I left the skin on the bottom.
Some people like it, some people don't.
Some say it adds flavor.
You know what? You're adults, you know how to eat.
Simon! He's gone forever.
He wanted to say goodbye and let me know he forgives me.
What a powerful, powerful wet dream.
- Is he still here? - No, Stan.
He left.
How? - How was it? - Very nice.
We had dinner, we caught up, then he went home.
So nothing there? Nothing there.
- I just had to know.
- Well, now you do.
So don't ever question my love for you again.
OK, Mr.
Knucklehead? OK, Mrs.
Come on.
Let's go to bed.
Let me just charge up with a snack and I'll meet you upstairs.
I hope we have ham.
Man, I sure can pump when I'm full of ham.
Someone's happy.
I got my answer.
Francine chose me.
Me! Dumbo.
Just because Francine didn't hook up with Travis tonight doesn't mean anything.
You're the father of her kids.
Let's use this hot dog as a metaphor.
I'm not sure what a metaphor is.
Look, if you really wanna know who Francine would choose, you have to disappear for a while.
Like Travis did.
If she waits for you, she loves you.
If she goes for Travis, she doesn't.
Either way, you get your answer.
Don't worry, I've got this all under control.
Mayday! We're going down! I think we've really solved that crash landing.
While you were doing crash landing, I was doing "found out my son is gay.
" This island is a secret CIA hideout.
I've hidden cameras everywhere in our house so we can watch Francine get the news that I've gone missing.
Then Travis will show up to comfort her.
- How do you know? - I invited him over for Sunday brunch.
I thought you were going to say something funny.
Not everything is funny.
Sometimes you just have to get information out.
Francine got over Travis after about 2 months, so that's how long we're going to stay here.
Hopefully she will wait for me, but if not well, I have my answer.
I stop listening.
If you don't make the effort to be entertaining I'm not going to go extra mile to listen.
The extra mile, like is so hard to just listen to somebody.
It's happening.
Roger, get over here! She's getting the news that our plane is lost at sea.
Roger, you're missing all the fun.
Am I drunk? I mean I'm definitely drunk but is that a regular size? - Are you OK? - I think so.
Wait, where are my sunglasses? Look for them, damn! You look for them! Thank God.
I can't tell you how much I hate it, Stan.
I can't It's not good luck anymore! Help! Get a hole of yourself.
I'll figure out a way off this island.
There is good news.
I overcame my fear of seagulls.
Got you some supplies.
- How you're holding up? - The coast guard called.
They've given up the search.
Now, now, Travis is here.
Roger, I think I figured out a way to get off this island.
Is there such a thing as a time crab? You're scaring the gulls.
I got to lasso enough to fly me home.
I had the greatest woman in the world and I've let my insecurity ruined everything All right, seagulls, take me home.
This gulls are running right through me, you bastard.
Seagull bones will make a fine raft.
I'll be back to Francine in no time.
Toss me a leaf, you son of a bitch.
I'm passing a peak over here.
I will get off this island.
And you know why? Because Francine loves me and I know she'll wait for me, no matter how long it takes.
I've waited long enough.
Stan would want me to move on.
These rocks will make a fine raft.
Tyeing to gather rocks, smart outside the box Anyway just wanted to apologize for all my whining.
I realize now that it's been kinda unproductive.
As you can see, I fashioned a disguise out of seagull feathers for when we rescued.
I'm feeling optimistic.
So, Ira and I, this is Ira.
We're going to collect some driftwood for a signal fire.
Because we're optimistic.
- Ira and I.
- That's the spirit, Roger, Ira.
I'm coming, Frannie.
I'm gonna pick you up and hold you in my arms This is all your fault! We're gonna die out here! It's your fault! You pushed me into this.
Drown, spaceman.
Drown! Shut up, Ira! So, you float? Yeah, it appears so.
Stroke, stroke! You know, after this I can rent myself to Cubans.
Those poor people.
I'll take that money upfront, don't you worry.
You're alive! You came to see me play.
It's so good to see you.
But you look awful.
You're dying.
You wanted to be by my side when you pass the way.
You really do love me.
He's gone.
Too soon.
It's OK.
At least we made amends.
Here I am holding you.
Which is all I have ever wanted.
You're in a better place now.
You look so peaceful.
Almost as if you were sleeping.
Get off me, you psychopath! It's over.
It's over.
What is the lesson here?! Let's face it, Ira, we're gonna die here.
There are so many things I never asked you.
Like, what your favorite candy bar? Mine's a Balance Bar.
I know they're designed to replace entire meals but I like them as a snack.
Down here! We're saved, we're saved! Ira, we're saved! Isn't that great? Get back here.
You're the best part of my hair.
What's going on? Ira is gone.
There's a ship, we're saved! I thought I was your ship.
That's OK.
See how that boat likes you farting quietly into its deck all day.
Yeah, I knew.
I didn't say anything because it felt kinda nice.
- Stan, you're back! - Francine, wait.
I don't care if I'm your first, second or nineteenth choice.
I'm just glad to be your choice.
Hey, hon.
I figured out the best way to bike to the zoo.
- You're alive! - And you're living here! Which means Francine chose you.
I guess that's what was meant to be.
I'll send for my things.
Stan, wait.
I was just pretending to have moved on with Travis.
I choose you.
- What? - Repeat.
After I found out you were missing, I was devastated.
But then I found the CIA surveillance cameras all over the house.
Maybe I could have hid those better.
I figured you had some stupid plan to test me.
So I pretended I was moving on with Travis for the cameras to make you jealous and lure you home.
What took you so long? A tsunami wiped out our equipment.
It was stranded on a rock, I didn't see a thing.
So, you mean Oh, my God.
That is so funny.
Francine, I missed you so much.
I missed you too.
I can't believe this.
That's why you didn't sleep with me.
You've been leading me on for weeks! You both complete lunatics! You two are made for each other.
We really are, baby.
We really are.
Dad, you're home! Wait, where's Roger? I don't know, I lost him at the bus station.
Check out my new 'do.
I replaced Ira.

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