American Dad s04e06 Episode Script

Have you been eating the cookie dough again? Is there still some on my face? - No - Then no.
- We are going to the mall.
- It's a business trip I'm gonna buy some beads at the bead store and then open up my own.
- Bye, Mom.
Love you.
- Bye, honey.
I love you too.
- Bye, Dad.
Love you.
- Okay.
Stan, she's your daughter why can't you ever say "I love you"? I can, I can.
But look, say she gets cancer, right? And doctors can't cure it.
She hears "I love you" from her dad for the first time, and then bam, she dies happy.
Once again, CIA body doubles are for work purposes only, people.
Using your double to finish making love to a JetBlue stewardess because you were too drunk is a definite no-no Sanders.
Did you blab? Why did you tell people? Come on, it was my first sloppy seconds.
- Hello? - Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up! So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.
You don't understand.
This time, he broke up with her.
Mr.
S! Jeff, are you nuts? Why did you break up with Hayley? I don't know, it wasn't just one thing, Mr.
S.
It was, like two things.
But why'd she go so crazy? Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out.
I don't know why, but it's always been that way.
Class, we have a new student joing us today.
This is Lynne.
Look how cute she is.
And new.
You know, which is always appealing.
The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant.
- How come we're doing this? - Why? Aren't you having fun? Oh, God! Is she okay? She'll be fine just breathe her with this pump.
The police said if Hayley goes on another rampage, - they'll throw her in jail.
- Jail? She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafeteria! The first couple stabs break the skin, and then they really get in there! And my baby's all "You bitch! I'll kill you!" That was a haunting scenelet, Francine.
And we can't prevent it.
Hayley has horrible taste in men.
She's gonna get broken up with again.
Which is why from here on out she doesn't date anyone - I don't sign off on.
- I don't know, Stan, I think what she needs right now is our love and support.
Shoot her! Shoot her in the face! I would've never come down here if you hadn't declared this the "Summer of Exotic Adventure.
" Chinatown where you could tell me it was Japantown or Koreatown and I'd nod and smile.
Check out the box of chickens! Hey, chicky, chicky.
- Hey, little girl.
- How you know it female chick? Okay, well, it just looks like one.
You right! Do again.
This is a boy.
And this is a girl.
Most people can't tell difference.
You you have gift! You work in my cousin's chicken hatchery! My first summer job! Wait.
Steve, what about our "Summer of Exotic Adventure"? We'll do it together.
And just like that I'm working for the Chinese again.
- I'll take a chai latte, please.
- Sweet.
Just like you.
- Name? - Haley? - How about them digits? - 757 Are you gonna marry my daughter? - What? - Dad! I'm not gonna let you date another loser who's gonna break up with you and this guy's a loser! Weak chin, small hands.
He'll dump you in a week.
- I can date whoever I want.
- Actually, you can't.
I can't let you freak out and wind up in jail, Hayley.
Your mother acted it out for me.
It was riveting she took some very rewarding chances.
Let's see, we have a Romeo and a Juliet.
Here's a Katie and this must be Tom.
You're crazy! Let her have a cell phone! There's nothing here.
No weiner, no wedge, just feathers and chicken skin.
This summer isn't exotic, it sucks! Where's my beer? Tsing Tao? Chilled glass? I know you can hear me, old man! World's worst waiter right here.
Sir, I was wondering, where do all these chickens go? Female go to farm, lay eggs.
Male get culled.
Culled? Yes, culled.
So glamorous.
Tsing Tao! At this rate, the beer is gonna come out at the same time as the spring rolls.
I know there are no spring rolls.
You're in a bit, and you're doing fine.
There you are.
Stay the hell out of my love life! Hayley told me you've been airlifting men out of her life all week.
I'm just trying to find her someone reliable, someone good, someone someone like me.
Oh, forgot to feed Klaus.
Stan, no! Klaus is having a blood test in the morning.
He's not supposed to eat for 12 hours! Honey, you are a great kisser.
Don't talk like that, Bill, it's creepy.
Shucks, I'm just kidding around, but my Stan Smith is dead-on.
That's why I'm the best damn body double at the CIA.
Well, bring that body over here on the double.
Francine tried to hide the cookie dough in the washing machine, but I found it.
I always find it.
- Do I pause? - Yeah, he's gonna sit down.
Stan Smith! You bastard! How could you? You caught me, but can you blame me? It's just so sweet and tempting.
You're sick.
- You should be in jail.
- Come on, you're overreacting.
- Roger does it, too.
- I've stuck my fingers in there.
Guess I'll go get some new popcorn.
- You all know Bill, right? - Hi, Stan, Francine.
Wait, so that was Bill upstairs? You were just making out with a man who looks exactly like your father.
I felt the same way at first.
Stay the hell out of my love life! My dadgum niçoise! I dumped a salad on Bill, thinking he was Dad.
He was cool about it, and we got to talking.
Turned out we had a lot in common.
We went on a few dates, and now I don't even see the resemblance to Dad anymore.
Stan, do something! This is fantastic.
Why didn't I think of Bill in the first place? He's a perfect specimen for her.
Look at his powerful, devoted shoulders, his strong, reliable chin, sculpted, rock-hard pecs, pecs you could motorboat.
Why does it stink so bad on this side of the building? It does stink, boy, on account of the slurry machine.
After the male chicks are liquefied, they're processed into dog food and chicken nuggets.
Come on, boys, we're getting you out of here.
You thought they got top hats.
Check out my ass on Bill.
I'll catch up, I just want to take a dip.
I'll come with, handsome.
Mom, I'm having so much fun with Bill.
- Yeah he sure looks like your dad.
- I think he might be the one.
If he dumped me, I don't know what I would do.
You'd be fine.
No, I think I'd go maximum crazy.
I'd murder Bill, burn down the neighborhood, rape Roger But that's not gonna happen.
We're we're doing great.
We're totally taking it slow.
I mean, all we do is kiss.
He is a great kisser.
Get away! Shoo! This one's for the hermit crabs.
Look at Hayley, Stan.
She's the greatest.
- Real pretty, too.
- She's all right.
You want to see something really hot, check our her mama.
Now, that's a woman.
Bill, you ever pull it in the great big blue? Hey, don't judge.
Wipe that look off my face.
I hate these chickens.
Hate that one the most.
Roger, don't be like that.
Why not? You've ruined everything.
This was supposed to be our summer of exotic adventure.
Stan, I'm making dinner.
Hanging out with Bill has reminded me how sexy I am.
I don't think now's the time Wait, I got to put the meat loaf in the oven first.
You go upstairs and sink-wash your boys.
Bill.
Hayley's not home yet.
- No, honey, it's me.
- Why were you outside? Shouldn't you be upstairs getting ready for sex time? - On meat loaf night? - Don't look at me like I'm crazy.
We were just making out in the kitchen.
Making out? What are we, two 16-year-old girls? All right, baby, hop in and Hey, there he is.
How's it going, big guy? - Bill, what the hell are you doing? - This? When you were talking about how hot your wife was, I realized you were right.
So I decided to nail her before I nailed your daughter.
Guess you didn't know old Bill likes to stir the pot.
You ever come near my family again, I'll kill you.
- I guess we have to tell Hayley.
- Are you crazy? If you tell Hayley that the love of her life tried to sleep with her mother, she'll go on a rampage - and they'll lock her up.
- We'll just tell her he left.
No.
Because then she'll think - he dumped her - Go on a rampage.
Have you guys seen Bill? We're supposed to go on our romantic weekend, he's half an hour late.
Do you think he's not coming? You better hope Bill shows up.
You don't even know.
Why isn't he here! Hayley, listen, Mommy's terrified, but there is something you should know.
Bill Was stuck in traffic.
Sorry, honeysuckle.
Ready to go? Bill, I'm so glad you're here.
I'll go get my bag.
- Stan? - Yeah, pretty good impression? Watch, I also do a good Roger.
I like wine.
Don't worry, I've got it figured out.
I pretend to be Bill act like a total jerk all weekend, and Hayley breaks up with me.
No rampage, no jail.
- Bye, Mom.
- Okay.
Have fu-fun, you two.
Don't worry, we will.
'Cause we're finally going all the way.
Doing it, doing it, do-do-doing it Should we break for lunch? Nope, let's keep Doing it, doing it Someone's at the door.
I don't care.
We're doing it, doing it Want to put on our hiking boots? We'll wear 'em while we're Doing it, I like the rhythm, it is my method.
You must think I'm a real jerk having you carry all the bags.
- I bet you want to break up with me.
- No way.
I'm not into gender stereotypes.
And I love being treated as an equal.
I changed my mind.
Call me old-fashioned, but I'm the man.
- I'll handle the bags.
- That is so romantic.
I'm not paying you back for gas.
Or the Doritos.
I know I said we'd share, so, here Ugh, you're a pig.
Let's see if you can sniff out my truffle.
I'm gonna go down to the gift shop.
See you at dinner.
Hey, boys! Time for your piano lesson.
My God! Someone stole my roosters! "Roger Smith presents Rooster Death Match 1.
"Next time it's personal.
" Five dollars off at the door with a flyer? I missed you all afternoon.
You're really playing hard to get.
- Check out that waitress.
She is hot.
- What are you talking about? The waitress, I'm checking her out, blatantly.
If you dump me, do it sitting down, so you don't block my view of her ass.
I'd like to take her back to our room and have sex with her on your clothes.
- Let's ask her! - What? You could do her, then I could do you, then I'll take a turn with her while you watch.
You used to watch Sesame Street.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom and take off my underwear, then you put our room key in them and give them to her.
The pie is really good.
Are you famous for this? Glen! Don't worry, people, plenty more action.
This is Victor, Glen's fraternal twin brother.
He saw the whole thing.
Don't you think he wants revenge? Roger, you son of a bitch! I see you got the flyer.
Did you get the five dollars off? The offer was only valid before 6:00! How could you do this to my roosters?! You started it.
You took that stupid job and ruined our summer of exotic adventure.
- I'm taking my roosters home.
- You can't.
These people paid good money to see a fight, and you do not want to piss them off.
They want to see a fight? How about we fight? For their freedom! You want to see us fight? You and me, we go way back.
I could never I'll kill you! I give up.
I'm sorry I took your chickens for blood sport.
You can have them back.
Friends? Friends.
No friends! You must fight to the death! What is with you lately? Everything is "to the death.
" Not everything.
Two nights ago, we went out for pizza, and you said, "Pizza to the death.
" I mean, what does that even mean? And remember, "Movies to the death"? - What's going on, man? - I don't know.
I don't like my job.
Come on, guys.
Let's go home.
Fellas! Come back! Like in the movies, bitch! Bill, why aren't we back at the room right now having sex? What, and miss out on Badger Mountain's famous night hikes? Look out! Poisonous rock! Into the bushes! - Hello.
- Francine, I did it! I ditched Hayley in the woods and left her for dead.
We won't have to worry about her anymore.
She's our daughter! You're supposed to be convincing her to dump you, not killing her! Yeah, on some level, I knew that.
- Bill? Bill?! - Over here! Bill.
I thought you blew me off.
I would have burned this resort to the ground, just torched the whole forest to cinders.
But you didn't.
You didn't, and I love you.
Well, I You can't say it, can you? You're just like my dad.
What? What do you mean? - My dad never says he loves me.
- But you know he does, right? That's crazy.
Of course he loves you.
Just because he doesn't say it, doesn't mean it's not true.
Yeah, right.
When you were a little girl, he'd sneak into your room every night and put a hard candy in your mouth so you'd have sweet dreams.
- Really? - Yeah.
And every time he leaves for a mission, he kisses the picture of you he has on his desk for good luck.
He loves you.
He loves you a ton.
Trust me.
How do you know all this stuff? I'm his double.
I have to know everything about his life.
Gosh, Bill, thank you so much for telling me all that.
It means so much.
I got to call him.
- You don't have to do that now.
- Yeah, I do.
I'm breaking up with you! - Okay.
- Aren't you, aren't you gonna freak out and go on a rampage? No, I guess not.
Dad? Hello.
Hey, Johnny, yeah.
It's work.
Well, look in the book.
Is it a warehouse item? - 5 minutes.
- Dad, you're talking to me on the phone.
And in your voice.
Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? I love you, honey.
I said it, see? Haley, wait, I can explain.
I had a good reason.
You grabbed some matches from the hotel.
You Don't want to tear one of those out.
The serious collector keeps these matchbox intact Now, it's worthless.