American Dad s04e16 Episode Script

Cello, everyone.
Steve, whoever told you that is funny is not looking out for your best interest.
Your friend can't stay for dinner.
This isn't a Stovetop Stuffing commercial.
No, this is my cello.
- I've been playing it for five years.
- Since you were two? Dad, I'm 14.
I don't think so.
I feel like Dad barely knows me.
I just wish we could bond.
You're growing into such a sensitive young woman.
Steve, here's the thing.
You have to take some initiative.
You know, share something with him.
I'd like to share something with you.
That was going nowhere.
Mail call! Per usual, I opened and read everything.
You're welcome.
Franny, you got some cleaning coupons, 'cause that's what you do, and Klaus, you got nothing, because people think you're dead.
You don't have to say that every time.
You could just not hand me anything.
- Anything for me? - Yes, you got a nice, little package.
And you also got something in the mail.
- What is it, Stan? - This? In the box? Wrong number.
Why do people always call during dinner? Wait, Dad, don't you want to hear my song? Steve, here's your copy of Neglected Child Monthly.
Kidding, but how perfect would that be? You'd be on the cover.
Crying.
So I learned something new at cello rehearsal today.
You see these things right here? They're called "F-holes".
F- holes.
- Right? - Hey, there's Dad.
- What's he doing? - I bet he's having an affair with one of those self-storage whores.
Franny, pull over.
- What is this? - I can explain.
A DeLorean? Are you running coke?! I get it.
We'll talk later.
I'm good for half a key.
Look, I wanted to keep the car a secret till it was done.
I've been building it piece by piece for the last six years.
You've been working on this stupid thing for six years! You're gonna hate yourself for that when you see it in the right light.
Why is Dad building a DeLorean? Hello? McFly? It's the car from Back To The Future.
It's magnificent! Stan, how much did this cost? $16,000, plus another three G's for the lights and fog machine.
What?! You told me we couldn't afford the shoulder surgery I need! All right, calm down, I'm almost done.
I got the stick shift knob in the mail today.
All I need now is the passenger gull wing door and I am finished.
Six years and $47,000 later.
- What? - I mean, whatever number I said before.
Francine, I don't want to tell you what you sound like you're doing.
Pooping.
There.
Happy? - You embarrassed us both.
- I found it! Found what? Clearly not your inside voice.
The gull wing door! The last piece to your DeLorean! - How? I've looked everywhere! - Craigslist.
"Craigslist"? What is that, like Schindler's List? Somebody ought to tell Craig the Jews are doing just fine now, excelling even.
It's a Web site.
There's a guy in Albuquerque who's selling the door.
If you want it, you got to go get it.
It's first come, first serve.
I better get directions.
I'll Google Map the nearest Rand McNally store.
Dad, I was thinking.
- Maybe you'd want some company? - Nope.
Stan, maybe you should take Steve.
Steve who? Guttenberg? Yeah! Now, that's a road trip.
Picking up tail, signing autographs "All the best.
Love, Mahoney.
" No.
Steve Smith, your son.
Not so sure, babe.
We don't really connect.
We have nothing in common.
- Wat would we even talk about? - Ask him about school.
It's the perfect opportunity to bond.
I don't know.
Either you take Steve, or you sell that DeLorean, and get me surgery.
Fine.
Steve, go pack.
We leave in five.
There they go.
- You know what this means, don't you? - You bet I do! What? What does it mean, Francine? - I don't know.
Sorry.
- That's okay.
You were showing that you were listening.
It means that with Stan and Steve gone, we're going to have an adventure of our own! So let's all come up with three potential escapades, and meet in an hour to pitch.
You know, I'm having fun already.
I am on a lot of prescription pills, though.
Is that a story? No, it's an addiction.
So, school School, school, school - You go to school? - Yes.
Excellent.
Have they taught you cursive? What? Yes, in third grade.
Good.
You're going to need that.
Lot of business takes place in cursive.
So you have any brothers or sisters? - Want to play a game? - No.
Fun is distracting.
- I Spy isn't very fun.
- Fine.
I spy with my little eye something big.
- Is it the desert? - Yes! You were right, that wasn't fun.
"Trapeze school"? Well, zany outfits, circus food, one of us could really get hurt could be fun.
You see, Hayley, that's how you make the "maybe" pile.
Shouldn't we do something more meaningful? Like what? Well, you know what would be really fun? A lot of Central American children are born with hare lips! Yes! Freak porn, right? Love it! We rent a camera, - go down to Hope Street - No, we raise money and awareness.
You know, have fun by doing good.
Let's call it for today.
I thought we were making progress.
I know you did.
See you tomorrow.
Check it out! A wallet made of rabbit fur.
This must be what Indian millionaires use.
- Yeah, probably.
- I'm buying this.
- It's my new everyday wallet.
- I don't use a wallet.
I just keep my money loose.
You're not you're not worried about it falling out of your pocket? No, I'm not.
- How does that feel, son? - I don't know, Dad.
I have some reservations about wearing this.
No junk food, Pop.
We didn't run the father-son marathon for nothing.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, son.
Peanut me.
Let's hit the road, you old polecat.
Hey, Dad, how about a healthy snack? - Sure.
- Cottage cheese.
- Sorry about the cottage cheese.
- That's all right.
You old polecat! Sorry.
I You know Oh, my God.
Guys, guys I'm the one who's sorry.
Those bikes were parked way too close to each other.
Accident waiting to happen.
But it's like my tattoo says.
None of our adventure ideas are any good.
But I still like my idea of putting David Blaine in an airless refrigerator.
No, I hate new school street magic.
I like dirty punk magic.
I like Criss Angel.
He freaks my mind.
Filthy little mind-freaker, that's what he is.
"Crash the French Ambassador's Masquerade Ball.
" And it's this Saturday night.
See that's good, Francine.
- Then it's settled.
- I think I got it.
We start a protest newspaper.
Homerun, Canseco.
Newspaper it is.
Come back to us when you've worked out literally everything.
Bon voyage, Hayley.
- Want to do one? - I'll just watch.
I don't know how.
- You don't know how to blow a bubble? - And you don't know how to make love.
So not everyone knows how to do everything, okay? I'll teach you.
Here, chew.
Now what? I want you to flatten that gum out into a sheet.
Now, take that sheet and pretend it's a ghost costume, and you're dressing your tongue up to go out trick-or-treating.
All right.
Okay, I want you to blow a very gentle channel of air into the ghost costume.
You're doing it! All right, slow down.
Reel it back in.
Reel it, reel it back in! My eyes! Get it off! Get it off! Dad! The road! What? What? My heart is beating out of my chest.
I saw the face of God in that pink sticky.
- Now what? - We need some help.
You da man.
Hello, friend.
As you can see, we're in a bit of a bind You askew my mirror.
- I what now? - I askew yours.
There.
Balance.
Yin.
Yang.
That was not my intent.
Sayonara, butt face! Tonight is going to be so much fun.
I feel like the belle of the ball! Yeah, well, I'm the belle of the ball, so you can feel however you want.
You started an adventure without me? - Why wouldn't you include me? - You're no fun.
What? I'm fun! You, you sweet, man-faced girl.
You're not fun.
I was having fun, and then I saw you and my fun went soft.
Forget you guys! Elle est dérangée avec nous.
Ouais! Okay, we still have money.
We'll hitchhike to the next town and rent a car.
We'll still get that door.
Stay back! No sudden movements! - What are you doing? - Saving us! Haven't you ever heard of a trouser snake? I don't think you have that quite I'll get it.
Got it! What the hell? There's so much crime in the desert! Not sure if anyone's going to pick up a half-naked 42-year-old and his young boy companion.
- Just sayin'.
- This is all your fault.
We're in this whole mess because of you and your stupid bubblegum lesson.
We're in this mess because you punched me into that Asian guy's mirror! Well, you practically handed my rabbit wallet to that hawk! This whole trip was a bad idea! I thought we could bond, but clearly that's impossible.
It's not my fault we have nothing in common.
Sure, we do.
We both clearly like Back To The Future.
- What's that? - Back To The Future! The classic time-traveling comedy? Never heard of it.
You know I hate time-based comedies.
Mannequin 2 being the obvious exception.
Then why are you building a DeLorean? Because I always admired John DeLorean.
The man had a magnificent chin and a dream.
To build a car company from the ground up.
I just wanted to capture a little piece of that magic.
Make something I could be proud of.
I guess it was a stupid dream.
No, Dad.
It's not a stupid dream.
It's a good dream.
And it's your dream.
And that guy's dream.
He's after our door! We've got to beat him to it! Come on! Son, I've been at the CIA for 20 years.
Never ruffled any feathers, always done my job.
In doing so, I've collected exactly two favors.
That's one.
And two.
- What are you doing? Get in! - Just a sec.
This is going to be good! - Come on! - Go! Go! You going to be all right if I catch a couple Z's, Pop? - Pretty sleepy.
- Go ahead, bud.
Don't worry about me.
I'm fueled by pure adrenaline.
I'm just going to rest my eyes.
Hey, look who's up.
Andy? Oh, my God, Andy! Are you okay? What happened? Can you move your neck? Oh, God! I wanted to win, but not like this.
We had different approaches, sure, but I always respected the hell out of you! Oh! My buddy! You know what? We are going to finish this together.
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Cut it out, Roger.
Tonight was a bust.
We were the only ones in period costumes, and your gibberish got me punched in the boob.
- At least we're more fun than Hayley.
- Oh, really? Why don't you open the fridge? David Blaine! You used my idea.
He's dead.
Oh, my God! He said he could hold his breath! I'm sorry.
You are fun, Hayley.
I'm going to kick him.
Criss Angel! You freaked my mind, you filthy punk! Come see my room.
Great Scott! That door is mine! I've been looking for it for years! I don't know what you're talking about.
My dad and I are just headed to Santa Fe to sell our unique collection of turquoise jewelry.
You know the Navajo believe that turquoise Floor it, Dad! We got to get this DeLorean up to 88 miles an hour.
- You did see the movie.
- What? No, that's as fast as this car goes.
Not very powerful.
Neat looking, though.
Take it easy out there, Mr.
Smith, Mr.
Kerkhoff.
I mean, what kind of a rush could you two be in? You're in time machines.
You got all the time you need.
I don't get it.
Hey, that's not your DeLorean.
My mistake.
Butthead.
Thanks! I need one of these! Oh, my God! I can't win like this.
I feel like I'm shaking hands with a cat.
Get next to him! He's not getting away with this! The Libyans! I believe this belongs to my dad.
Hey, son.
Knob me! That was awesome! Do not tell your mom I let you jump from a moving car.
Twice.
Really.
Steve? Look at me.
Not a word.
Damn! You guys here for the desk? - No, we're here for the DeLorean door.
- You sure? It's a nice desk.
- You here for the desk? - No, I'm here for the door.
Well, these two were here first.
The door's theirs.
Yes, I can't believe it! We did it! We did it! We won! It's over! You know what, old stuff? Let him have it.
- What? - Go ahead.
Dad, what are you doing? See that guy over there dry humping the door? - You know where he's going? - No.
Neither does he.
But we know where we're going.
To find another door.
Don't you see, son? Finding DeLorean doors is our thing.
I guess it is.
Of course it is, you old polecat! Sorry.
Now, to keep our cool factor at ten, I'm going to pull her around, go real slow, and you just hop in when it feels right.
Gunned it prematurely.
I'm sorry.
Hang on.
Coming back around.
Keep the dream alive.
There we go.
We did it, Andy! We did it, old friend!