American Dad s05e07 Episode Script

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # # The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## Ah! God, that's awful! Francine, Courteney Cox played a chef on Friends.
Your cooking is worse than her acting! So I saw something today that's really stayed with me.
After encountering some guys from the football team Toshi and I were looking for my pants in the drainage ditch.
And then we saw a squirrel get run over.
Oh! - Isn't that the saddest thing you ever heard, Stan? - Eh.
Stan, a squirrel died today.
Doesn't that make you feel sad? Doesn't that make you feel anything? Yeah.
Annoyed.
Annoyed at the squirrel for jaywalking annoyed at Steve for losing his pants and annoyed at the football player for not being my son! Spoiler alert! The sweet potatoes suck.
How can sweet potatoes not be sweet? Hmm? Frannie, how'd you take the sweet out of the potatoes? Let's say grace.
- Where's Hayley? - Oh, she went to some rock concert.
Rock concert? Honey, it's just a concert.
She went to listen to rock music, Francine! That's the devil's music! It's the number one cause of teen pregnancy, school violence and leather pants! Stan, all you ever feel is anger.
Why is that the only emotion you can express? Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now, pass me the- sweet potatoes! Stan? It's 1:00 in the morning.
- What are you doing? - I think it's pretty obvious.
Hayley's still at that concert.
When she gets home, I'm gonna scare her straight.
That's her! What'd you do that for? - You scared the hell out of me! - No more concerts for you! Yeah.
Good luck with that.
I will not let you throw your life away like your uncle did spending all his time at the bowling alley running around with that lady from the tire shop flipping giant pancakes with a shovel.
Dad, that's the movie Uncle Buck.
The point is, you're wasting your life.
Music isn't a waste, Dad.
And My Morning Jacket is awesome.
- Your Morning what? - Honey, My Morning Jacket is the name of the band.
Oh, yeah! I'm a cool mom who can also hang loose.
I'm way into peace, which is A-okay.
Going my way? Well, they're playing again tomorrow night, and I'm going.
Is that right? - Spider say burp! - God, I hate you! I'm gonna sleep in my web tonight.
I am furious! I know.
It sucks.
I wish I could go.
Okay.
Bye.
- How ya doin', honey? - What is Dad's problem with music? Well, music makes you feel things and your dad's a bit of an emotional tight-ass, and a literal one.
Which is why it took half a bottle of ether and salad tongs to get this! Mom! Ew! - Awesome! - I also found this.
- It looks like a turd.
- Look closer.
- It's clearly a turd.
- Taste it.
It's chocolate.
Yeah.
Your dad must think I'm getting fat.
So he's been hiding it in the one place he thought I couldn't reach behind the fridge.
Anyway, have fun at the show rockin' it.
Oh, Mom, you're the best.
Hey, I went to a few concerts when I was your age.
I'd get backstage all the time.
Of course back then, you really had to work for it not like today with all these sissy radio giveaways.
"Oh, you're caller 96.
Bravo!" Fit that whole phone in your mouth, you might have been able to hang with my crew.
Wait.
If I'm not here tonight, won't Dad figure out where I went? You leave your father to me.
Hey, everyone, it's me, Hayley! Sorry I'm late.
I was doing Hayley stuff.
Peace and whatnot.
Tom's of Maine.
I'm the daughter.
- Settle down, Hayley.
- Screw you, Stan! - Roger! - Wait.
Roger? Well, then where's She went to that concert! Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach since I'm dressed for it.
I'll just put in these C.
I.
A.
Noise-canceling earplugs.
Then I won't have to expose myself to that filth when I yank that girl out of there.
Then what are you gonna do? Idiots.
Paying good money to see something they've already heard on a record.
Get a job, hippie! It's called a shower, you douche bagl Ooh.
She's hot.
Eh, better comin'than goin'.
I'll never find her in here.
Well, that could have taken a lot longer.
You're coming home right now! Look, everything is fine.
I'm her father.
- She's not going! - You don't understand! Damn it, I said I'm her - Do you hear an angel? - What? An angel possessing you, living in your heart? Oh, my God.
I feel.
I feel everything! And number five feels alive! Whoo! Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! Whoo! What are we doing? Oh, my God, Francine.
This band, My Morning Jacket- Incredible.
That's great, honey.
That stuff you were saying about me only feeling anger Well, I feel everything now, baby.
I cried, Francine.
I actually cried, the way you wanted me to at the birth of our children, instead of just punching that locker.
Oh, Stan, I want to hear all about it.
And I want to hear all of their music right now.
Hey, I can download them on my cell phone.
Cell phone, play My Morning Jacket.
Do you want me to call Maureen Jacket? - You're still in touch with Maureen Jacket? - No.
I haven't talked to her in years.
Hey, Stan.
Thanks again for lunch yesterday.
Oh, you left your sandals in my car.
# By the way you smile # # I'm smiling too # # I see myself in you # # I am with it # - # Ooh, man, I am wired # - No way! Hey! Stan, you didn't come to bed last night.
I checked the couch.
I checked all three of your webs.
This singer, Francine- Jim James has the most angelic voice.
He makes Enya sound like a Russian couple arguing at the bowling alley.
Stan, I'm glad you're having fun.
But you're supposed to be at work.
You're really late.
Yeah, 42 years late.
Francine, Jim James writes stuff I think like, "We are the innovators.
They are the imitators.
" I thought that, like, two years ago, but I never said anything.
Oh, Dad, if you like My Morning Jacket wait until you hear this new band I've been listening to.
- I thought you liked My Morning Jacket.
- I do, but You whore! Music slut! Shaking those ears all over town, lettin' anyone in! - Get out of this room! - What? Go on! Get out of this sanctuary! - You're not fit to hear the music of Jim! - But I'm the one Stan, don't you think that was a little harsh? Oh! Oh, I love this part.
Listen to this, Francine.
And by listen, I really mean hear.
What do you see when you hear this? I don't know.
A spaceship? Wrong! I'll tell you what I see.
It's a trip, man.
What the hell are you doing? You've been out here for three hours with your eyes closed and a really creepy smile.
- You're freaking us all out! - Oh, sorry, sir.
Yeah, I, uh- I'll be right in.
Don't bother.
The work day's over.
# I'm amazed at the quiet ocean # # I'm amazed at your wrong devotion # # I'm amazed at what the people saying # # I'm amazed by a divided nation # # Like the middle of the earth # # I get disrupted # # I'm amazed at all that has been # Hayley, what are we gonna do about your dad? He's really obsessed with this band.
Didn't you hear me, Mom? I've been screaming "help" for an hour.
Thank God the pool guy came.
# There will be a knock # # On your front door # # There will be a knock # - # On your front door # - Take your finger off the doorbell.
Wish I could.
I'm Norman.
I'm supposed to meet Stan here for a transaction.
Um, Stan, this guy's here to see you about something.
Norman, you made it! Thanks for comin'.
- Here's the 900 bones.
- Wait.
$900 for a CD? It's a bootleg.
It's Jim James at a DoubleTree before a show in Detroit.
Um- What? Shh! What the- That wasn't me.
Who's in here? Hello, I'm Norman.
I'm just trying to record some stuff for the fans.
I'm crouched down in the shower, so, uh, the farts are kind of slipping out.
And, uh, I'm also- Sorry.
I'm also- Sorry.
I'm also- Sorry.
I'm pretty nervous.
Are you kidding me? You spent $900 for this? Well, I guess I should be going.
Can I stay here tonight? No.
Stan, you're scaring me.
Missing work, spending all that money for gargling! You need to come back to reality, and soon.
- She doesn't get me, Jim.
- Huh? You talkin' to me? Roger, what the hell! What are you doing in there? Just licking my finger and flicking the Bean.
The new L.
L.
Bean catalog came.
Look, there's clearly something special between you and this Jim James fellow.
It's more than that.
It's like we're soul mates.
It's like he and I were ripening for nine months in the same womb stew and then tragically ripped apart.
"Womb stew.
" Delish.
Little bread, forget about it.
Look, it's clear to me what has to happen here.
What do you mean, you're going on tour with My Morning Jacket? I have to meet Jim James.
He understands me in a way that no one else does.
I feel closer to him than anyone in the world.
- You ever felt anything like that? - Stan! You're right.
Traffic.
I should go.
Stan, this is ridiculous! How are you even gonna get backstage? With a little help from me.
The name's Abbey.
Abbey Road.
And when it snows, I need to be plowed.
Hey.
Um, just trying to make a plan.
All right, Stan.
There's the V.
I.
P.
Section.
That's where the band is.
Come on.
Follow my lead.
Hi.
My hand's doing this.
Can you think of any way you'd want to be a part of it? Bouncers love shooting dice, and I've got a loaded pair.
So I knew we could win our way in.
There they are! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey, thanks for coming, everybody.
Unfortunately, the band is exhausted.
So we're gonna go ahead and push off.
- Sorry we're late.
- Where do you think you're going? Oh, my friend here is a reporter for Rolling Stone.
I'm a reporter for The Rolling Stone.
I'm their manager.
Why didn't I hear about this? Oh, I called- cell phone to tell y- Must have a bad connection.
God, my coverage sucks! Sorry about that.
Go ahead, get on.
Okay, Stan.
Get ready to be surprised by the amount of drugs and whores you see and then shocked by the amount of drugs and whores I can do.
I can't get Dick Van Patten's eyes to light up.
Keep trying, Bo.
Okay, no whores.
But I bet when that machine's up and running they're gonna be doin' big fat lines of coke on the glass right over Betty Buckley's knockers.
Mmm! Milk.
Thanks, Magheeta.
- Huh.
- I don't see Jim.
He's probably chillin' in the back.
Patience.
Your moment will come.
Just don't say anything stupid to blow your cover.
Oh, yeah.
As a rock-and-roll journalist there's nothin' I haven't seen.
Like this one time I was free-macing drugs in a van with Tina Jivestrong and the black guy from the Beatles.
And I was all, "I think I'm gonna like it here.
" You boner.
- Hello? - Boner speaking! Stan, where are you? Your boss called and you're fired if you don't show up for work Monday.
I don't care.
I just have to get backstage tomorrow night in Albany.
Oh, for God's sake! What if you get backstage and actually meet this Jim James? What do you possibly think is gonna happen? I don't know.
Maybe he'll sing to me of greater things of money, gold and diamond rings.
Just don't make this last any longer than it has to.
You don't understand me! He's off the deep end.
- No one's stopping.
- Look, the next guy'll stop.
I guarantee it.
Roger, your disgusting fat leg is not gonna Oh, my God! l-I didn't see- Come on! Get in, Stan! Here we are.
Okay, Stan.
Just let me do the talking.
And remember, no matter what happens, we stick together.
Hi.
It's just me.
I'm by myself.
What happened? Okay, no one else gets backstage.
Wait! But I have to meet Jim! Francine! Look, I don't know why you're here.
I'm not coming home until I meet Jim.
That's why I'm here, Stan.
This is my world and I'm your rock and roll Sherpa.
# Remnants of the empire # # Artifacts of love # # Will I meet the designer # # What will he dream up # # Remnants of the empire # # Gravity awake # # What's held down to the ground next round goes into space # # Raising up the empire # # Innocence and faith # # What will hold you up # # And what will stand in your way # # Way ## Well, he's in there.
Thanks, Francine.
Thanks, girls.
And thank you, ma'am.
Yeah, it's open.
Can I help you? Hello-o-o? You okay? Mr.
James, this is such an honor.
I am a huge fan.
Oh.
Uh, well- well, thanks, man.
Anything else I can do for you? Thank you for the music! Okay.
You understand me! Well, I gotta get ready for the big show.
I've got all your albums.
I have all your posters.
I even bought an old Band-Aid of yours off eBay.
Was it from your knee? It smells like it's from your knee.
If anybody can hear my voice, please come in here! No, don't be scared.
I'm not a scary person.
- It's okay.
I've got him.
- It's just your songs.
I listen to them and I know you, and I think the same.
It's like we're soul neighbors and we're constantly borrowing sugar from each other.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm sorry, Mr.
James.
He's a little emotional.
He thinks you're writing your music just for him.
Come on, Stan.
Let's let the man get ready for his show.
Hold on.
Stan, is it? Look, man, I'm flattered you dig what we're doin'.
But I'm- I'm not thinking about you when I write these songs.
That'd be impossible.
We've never even met, man.
Hey, is- is this your daughter? - Wife.
- Damn! She's the one who understands you, man.
You should be sharing your soul with her, not me.
Truth of the matter is, I sure ain't nothing special.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else.
Sorry I put you through all this, honey.
Don't be.
I used to fall for these guys all the time.
But then I met you, and you became my rock star.
Oh, Mr.
Smith.
I'm your biggest fan! # We are the innovators # # They are the imitators # Bye! Have a beautiful time.
English - US - SDH