American Dad s05e09 Episode Script

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # # The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy, it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## Oh, come on, Francine.
Don't make me late for church again.
God pays twice as much attention on Christmas like the media when a white kid goes missing.
Sorry.
I was putting on my new dress.
I can't take you to God's house like that.
I can see your calves.
You look like a two-dollar whore.
And keep in mind that the dollar is weak right now.
So, to wrap up, that's an insult.
See? At least Roger shows the proper respect for this holiest of days.
Oh, I love your religion- for the crazy.
Virgin birth, water into wine It's- It's like Harry Potter but it causes genocide and bad folk music.
Huh? Huh? Who- Who am I nudging? There's no one next to me.
Great.
No spaces.
Thanks to the fair-weather Christians who only show up on Christmas and Easter.
Well, we'll see how fair the weather is when the rapture comes and they're all left behind.
Rapture? What's that? It's the first sign of the end of the world when all true Christians, like myself, ascend to heaven and Ascend? You're flying now.
Enough.
You and the kids go find seats while we park.
I hope I haven't missed the part where the three Chinese guys give perfume to the star baby.
It's- It's like the diaries of a madman.
# Joy to the world # - Damn.
No seats.
- # The Lord is come # I'm beset by phony Christians.
Stan, honey, it's Christmas.
Relax.
I won't relax.
I'm a better Christian than anyone in there.
I'm the one who drives by Hebrew schools baptizing kids with a Super Soaker filled with garlic water.
Here.
I have an idea.
We can't watch church from here.
This is where the slow janitor lives.
It reeks of dead mice and moldy Highlights magazines.
Oh, I hate seeing you stressed so I'm gonna give you your last present.
Francine, we can't do this in the house of the Lord.
This is wrong.
Then I've been naughty and you'll have to put a big piece of coal in my stocking.
Damn your clumsy Christmas sex metaphors! - Mmm.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
Wow.
Thanks, Francine.
If you're wondering why I lasted longer than usual it's because I was focusing on the dolls the janitor made out of Windex bottles and rat fur.
Strange.
I don't hear anything.
What's going on? Look.
# Gloria # # Gloria # What's happening? The rapture.
Turns out there is a God.
# Oh, gloria # # Gloria ## What? It can't be the rapture.
If this were the rapture, I'd be floating up there.
And so would the slow janitor.
Actually, I never truly accepted Jesus into my heart.
- Mom! - Dad! Steve! Hayley! What's happening? I was just about to do something really funny.
I'll tell you what's happening.
It's the end of the world and we've been left behind.
Oh, my God.
The homeless guy from the bus station is hung.
But I knew that.
Wait.
There's been a mistake.
Lift me up, Lord.
Here, I'll help.
Wait, hold on.
This Bible stuff is real? All right, somebody call Mel Gibson and apologize.
And then call Tim Robbins and tell him I banged Susan Sarandon.
He'll know what it means.
Father Donovan, what happens now? Honestly? I have no clue.
Luckily, I know an expert.
Hi, kids.
I'm Ricky the Raptor, here to tell you about the rapture.
The rapture is the beginning of the end of the world.
It starts with all true Christians floating up to heaven.
What about the sinners that are left behind? Well, Jo-Jo, they get to witness the second coming of Jesus.
Jesus is coming back? Did he forget something? Nope.
Jesus is coming back for Armageddon- a seven-year war where Jesus and his angels will battle demon soldiers of the underworld all leading up to a final showdown between Jesus and the Antichrist.
Antichrist? You mean that green stuff that your daddy puts in the car? No, silly.
That's antifreeze.
The Antichrist is the son of Satan.
Well, who's gonna win? I don't know but you sure don't want to be around to find out.
A Christian Kids Production.
Stay cool.
Hello? Yes, I need to charter a helicopter ASAP.
Uh, just about a mile up, and then I'll grab onto someone.
I can't imagine John Goodman's that high up yet.
Okay.
Steve and Hayley Smith, your personal heavens are ready.
Personal heavens? Yeah, every saved soul gets a personalized paradise suited to their individual tastes.
Here you are, Steve.
Wait.
There are so many doors.
How can you be sure this is my heaven? Pepper jack cheese.
It's my heaven.
Authorities confirm the total number of raptured at 142 million.
You may notice my partner Greg isn't here.
That's because he was raptured.
Apparently, God does love gays, but only if they're tops.
Take it in the behind, you get left behind.
Well, if we're gonna be left behind at least we're left behind together.
Yeah.
What the hell, Francine? I'm trying to rebuild my spaceship so I can get off this planet but all my boxes of spare parts are full of Hard Rock Cafe sweatshirts.
Oops.
There must have been a mix-up when I gave stuff to Goodwill.
Oh, okay, well, as long as there's a good explanation.
Didn't you hear the puppets? Demons are coming to rape our skulls.
Breaking news.
The second coming of Jesus is here.
Francine, shh.
I want to hear this.
That's right.
Jesus has returned to Earth and tonight, he'll be at the Langley Falls Civic Arena where he'll brief mankind on his upcoming battle with the Antichrist.
That's it.
We'll just go to Jesus and explain there was a mistake.
Okay, the coast is clear.
Yes? - Stan.
- Oh, it's me, Stan Smith.
I was supposed to be raptured, but there was a mistake.
I'm sorry, Stan, but what's done is done.
Wait.
I know what this is about.
It's because of the sex in church, isn't it? Look, I didn't want to do it.
She seduced me.
- What? - Please, Jesus.
Don't let her moral failings screw me out of paradise.
Moral failings? You think you're better than me? Stan, you're right.
- What? - That's why I'm going to rapture him.
Really? Oh, Jesus, you are the best.
Later, world.
Smell my ass.
Wait.
You're just gonna abandon me here during Armageddon? Okay, look.
I'll go up to heaven and get a hand stamp.
I'll come out, lick it and press it against your hand.
Boom, you're in.
Just like that time at Cabo Wabo.
Oh, wait.
That didn't work.
You had to sit in the bus all night.
- Aw, it'll work this time.
- No, Stan.
I wouldn't want to get you in trouble and drag you down again.
In fact, you never have to worry about that again, because we're through.
Oh, Francine.
No.
Stan Smith- go to heaven.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
No.
No, really.
I normally don't eat here because of the murders but it was right next to the arena.
So you went to the Jesus sermon too.
Did you go with your boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend.
I had a husband, but it's over.
He left me.
I hope whatever he left a woman like you for is worth it.
Okay, right here.
This is good.
All right, Jesus, rapture me.
- Take off your clothes.
- Oh.
I thought they came off magically.
You're not really Jesus, are you? Hi.
Goodwill? Yeah, I'm calling again about my spaceship parts.
Well, damn it, look again.
Oh, hey, honey, good news.
I told Jesus not to rapture me because I couldn't bear to leave you behind.
Nice try.
You didn't get raptured because that wasn't the real Jesus.
He was just some phony trying to take advantage of desperate fools.
Wh- What? Oh, next you'll say I let him bend me over a Dumpster before I came to my senses.
You're too much, lady.
I know because I found Jesus, Stan.
The real Jesus.
# He turned water into fine # - You're the real Jesus.
- Hi, Stan.
Jesus is back to spend the next seven years fighting the Antichrist and he asked me to be his girlfriend.
He can date this time.
Can you believe it? Jesus thinks I'm good enough for him.
Good-bye, Stan.
Have a nice Armageddon.
I dropped my meatball in the pool.
Hello, Stan.
Well, well.
What brings you to New Denver, Commander Jesus? Here on Christmas vacation? That reminds me.
I got you a birthday present.
Ow! My other cheek! I need a job done and you're the only man who can do it.
Forget it, Nazarene.
I stopped doing things for you the day you stole my woman.
Well, that's just it, Stan.
Francine- The Antichrist got her.
I don't know how he got to her.
It means I can't trust anyone, not even my generals.
What makes you think you can trust me? Because I know you've fought against his kind.
I fight for anyone who pays me.
I also know you still love her.
Hah! I'll do it.
But not because of her.
If I help you, you rapture me off this you-forsaken rock.
Deal? - Anyone you knew? - Yeah.
He was my father's jester.
Really funny dude.
It's a trap.
The open road is too dangerous.
Uh, what if we go through sector 16? Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
Fine.
Then what about sector 35? Huh! Sector 35 makes sector 16 look like sector 48.
Okay.
Then what do you propose we do? I know someone who might be able to help.
Okay, Qui Lo.
Hit it.
Aaah! Damn it.
Wait.
No wonder this isn't working.
The stone waterfall goes in my career corner and the orchid goes in my wealth corner.
Lovers' quarrel? Well, well.
I always knew you'd breeze back through my door.
Roger, meet Jesus.
Ah.
An alien.
One of my father's side projects.
You better watch your mouth.
Whoa.
Whoa.
We need to book passage on your ship to the far outlands.
Good luck.
The ship's sub-fusion engines run on precious metals and crystalline minerals so unless you can poop out gem-encrusted gold, you're out of luck.
When my army laid siege at the Battle of Boca Raton, they found this.
Okay.
Where am I taking you? The lair of the Antichrist the dark epicenter of all that is evil.
Of course.
Jerry Seinfeld's car garage.
What? No.
The United Nations.
Really? Seinfeld has his own car garage in Manhattan.
Do you know how expensive that is? He bought a whole building in Manhattan and converted it to hold all of his Porsches.
That's funny, Qui Lo.
What is the deal with that? Okay.
I'll drop you off at the lair of the Antichrist and then "arm-a-geddon" outta here.
Oh, that's good.
I gotta write that one down.
Come on.
Start.
Thanks for the ride, other worlder.
Wait.
Jesus, I'm still stuck here.
Can't you just send me to heaven? I can't do that.
But I can offer you something else.
After I defeat the Antichrist, I'm to begin the long road of rebuilding civilization.
It's going to be a lot of work, and I could use your help.
That's okay.
By the way, what does the Antichrist look like? Believe me, you'll know him when you see him.
- Ohhh! What did you do that for? - That was the Antichrist.
No.
There's a prep school two blocks away.
Sometimes the kids come in here and play.
Then I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.
This is it- The lair of the Antichrist where everything's anti-me.
Francine! Kneel before the Lord, punk.
- Oh, Stan.
- Don't get any ideas, doll.
I'm just in this for the rapture.
Right.
The only thing you ever cared about.
Hello, darling.
Leave the heartwarming reunion for later.
Sorry, do-gooders.
The Antichrist.
Condemn them, Mother for they know exactly what they do.
Uh, I'm sorry.
What does that mean? You know.
It's the opposite of " Forgive them, Father for they know not what they do.
" Hello.
I'm the Antichrist.
I'm the opposite of Jesus in every way.
Anti, get us out of this thing.
Well, Jesus, you can walk on water, eh? Let's see if you can swim in land.
Huh? I built that.
See? You were a carpenter.
I'm not handy at all.
We're pinned down.
It's raining wise men.
Hallelujah.
You should have known, Anti.
With me, the thigh's the limit.
Uh, funny.
Stan, what are you doing? In one minute, this place is gonna be blown to kingdom come.
Thou shalt not not kill! Later, world.
Smell my ass.
- Stan! - Why, Stan? Why did you take the bullet for me? For the same reason I came here- For her.
Francine, I was wrong to ever think I was better than you.
I wish I could go back and change the man I was.
You're the best, so you deserve the best.
You deserve Fancy Feast.
- What? - Sorry.
I mean Jesus.
You deserve Jesus.
I'm kind of bleeding out here.
Here, let me help you.
Our wedding rings.
Now go! Both of you.
This place is gonna blow.
No, Stan.
I can't leave you behind.
I know you can't.
- Get her out of here.
- Stan, at least let me rapture you.
There's no time.
The spell takes too long.
- He's right.
- Go! Mmm.
Merry Christmas, Mr.
and Mrs.
Jesus.
Well, here we are.
I always imagined I'd spend eternity with Francine.
Stan, this is your personal heaven.
It is what your heart most desires.
Honey, I'm wearing my new dress.
How do I look? Definitely not like a whore, baby.
Definitely not like a whore.
Oh, Stan.
# Joy to the world # # The Lord is come # # Let earth receive her king ## Bye! Have a beautiful time.
English - US - SDH