American Dad s05e12 Episode Script

May the Best Stan Win

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # # The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## Did you put googly eyes on the Roomba? Yeah.
I like to look someone in the eyes as they clean for me.
It's a power thing.
Gets me off.
Stan! Valentine's isn't for another two days! No, I just wanted some chocolate and they only sold them in that box at Hershy Park.
You went to Hershy Park without me? Yeah.
Someone told me about it.
Sounded cool.
That was me! For years, I've been telling you I want to go there! Well, now I know why, because that place is awesome.
Milk Chocolate World is great.
I loved White World.
Didn't care so much for Dark World.
Stan, Francine, look at me go! Nein! Nein, Roomba! Whoa! I have not remotely understood one of these Japanese games.
Can we just play a normal game? Hide-and-go-pee! Barry, no! Dead lady! What is that? She tastes like a ball gag! Oh, my God.
Her mouth opens.
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? Shot-for-shot remake of the movie Mannequin! Boys, you found Erica.
Mr.
Yoshida, can we borrow your mannequin? Yes, it's a mannequin.
Of course you boys can use this mannequin.
Thanks! - Is it clean? - You know it's not clean! - Ow! - Sorry.
I started sleeping on my side so I need a pillow between my legs.
Night! Stan, I feel like you've been taking me for granted lately.
You take my pillow, you go to Hershy Park without me.
You always put yourself first.
Okay, okay.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
Tomorrow morning, you'll be served breakfast in bed like a queen or a quadriplegic.
- Really? - For really reals.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe I should work up an appetite.
Sorry, I have to wake up early tomorrow to make you breakfast.
Oh, spider bite.
Itchy spider bite.
Oh, my God, it's so itchy, so itchy Jane Seymour- So it Got it.
Mmm, bacon.
What happened to breakfast in bed? I know.
And what happened to dressing up on airplanes and handwritten thank-you notes? You promised me! Francine.
Francine.
There's a good explanation.
- You ate it.
- Mm-hmm! You never think about me, do you? I bet you haven't even considered what to get me for Valentine's Day tomorrow.
Don't even think you can get out of this by shooting me.
So you don't have anything planned.
And I went to so much trouble to get you something really special.
Do you want to know what I got you, Stan? No, no, don't tell me! You know I love surprises.
If you ruin this for me, I swear to God Side-by-side funeral plots and a couple's coffin! I thought we could be buried together and hold hands for eternity.
Francine, that is so sweet.
And I'm really glad you told me about this because I won't be needing a funeral plot.
- What? - I'm gonna be turned into a cyborg after I die.
A cyborg? Yeah.
The C.
I.
A.
's gonna freeze me until they have the technology to turn me into a half-man, half-robot.
This is the face I'm gonna do when they freeze me.
It's Han Solo from Star Trek.
I already picked out my colors.
Cobalt blue with gold trim.
Sick.
So, you're not gonna be buried next to me? Francine, it's "till death do us part.
" At death, we part.
You go underground and I go shooting into the air flying around like a crazy robot man.
Unbelievable! I don't even want to look at you! You can just sleep on the couch tonight! Hey, you guys mind keeping it down? We're shooting a movie in the next room.
Thanks.
A movie? Hey, guys.
I was eavesdropping, but I found something better to do.
I piddled some, here on the rug.
There's a little blood in it, so enjoy.
Okay.
This is the big scene where the mannequin turns into a living transvestite originally played by Kim Cattrall.
And action! You're the first thing I've ever created that really made me feel like an artist.
Sometimes I think you're the dummy.
Cut! Awful! - Who are you? - The name's Ira Segal.
I directed the episode of Cybill where Christine Baranski sat on her balls.
Point is, I can direct this thing.
Look how many pockets are on his jacket.
I think we should let him do it.
I'll remake Mannequin on one condition.
- We make it Goonies.
- The Goonies? Why? Look at you four.
Fat, nerdy, smart-mouthed, Asian.
You guys are The Goonies! # What's good enough for you is good enough for me # # It's good enough # # It's good enough for me # # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah ## Marinate it with a marinade.
Oh, that's not enough marinade.
- That's too much marinade.
- Francine! - What's going on? - I realized I have been selfish.
It has been all about me.
But it's time we make it all about you.
You made me love coupons? Tomorrow's gonna be the best Valentine's Day of your life.
It starts with brunch and gets progressively more romantic as it goes.
It ends with us doing something so dirty, we'll both have intestinal distress for a month.
Oh.
And that's not all.
I've also decided to join you in that lovers' coffin.
This is the C.
I.
A.
contract that I signed to become a cyborg.
Oh, Stan, I love you! What's happening? Stan, I'm you from the future.
We need to talk.
Oh, my God.
It's me as a cyborg! - I'm awesome! - But you tore up the contract.
Wait! This is the dishwasher warranty! What happens if it breaks down? It does.
Francine, look how cool I am as a cyborg.
Stan, I've traveled back, like, a thousand years, man.
- We need to talk about the future.
- Why do you have an accent? Yeah.
It's like a mix of Mexican and Canadian.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
America gets taken over by Mexico and Canada in, like, a hundred years or something.
My God.
A great nation defeated by an army of gardeners and boring people.
Stan, in the future, the machines rise up and try to destroy the human race.
I need to train you so you can stop it from happening.
You'll save the world, man, eh? I save the world.
I knew it.
Fuckin' knew it.
I can't believe you lied to me about ripping up that contract.
That's it.
Out of here, both of you! - I'm going back to bed alone.
- Francine.
Fine.
I have so much to ask you about the future like do I ever truly fall in love? Wakey, wakey, gringo.
Early.
If you're gonna save the world in a thousand years we got to spend all your time getting ready, okay? The evil machines of the future are based on today's electronics, okay? So take these things apart and learn how they function how they think, ese.
You got a problem with me? You don't even know me! Roomba! Stan, I love that thing! She's soft on the machines.
Probably betray us.
Should we kill her now? Look, it's Valentine's Day, and I want to go to brunch.
Francine, I must train.
These coupons say they're good anytime.
I'll be in the car.
Looks like no training today for me, Future Stan.
Not necessarily, bromigo.
Okay.
Let's go, mama.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
The coupon didn't say anything about which Stan it has to be.
Have fun, you two.
Treasure map! Cut! We've done this 40 times.
What's wrong now? I hate your face.
Do it again.
And action! A treasure map.
One-Eyed Willie buried a treasure.
It was full of diamonds and emeralds Give it to me! I'll kill you! The treasure's mine! Oh, right.
Right.
Well, great work then.
Very convincing, Steve.
So convincing that I ruined the shot.
So let's take it from the top right after I get that treasure! Don't go anywhere.
I'm on my way back.
I remember what we're doing again.
I know this situation isn't exactly ideal for you.
But spending the day with a beautiful woman, that's pretty ideal for me, man.
It's Japanese funk.
Give it a chance.
Everybody loves it in the future.
This actually turned out to be a really nice Valentine's Day.
I've missed you.
You know, the last time I saw you, you were in the electric chair.
You looked so tired.
You'd been running for so long.
- Hey, guys.
- Stan, what did you do? I won the first battle, Francine, but not yet the war.
I must rest.
I can't deal with him right now.
Oh, I remember that dream.
It's a puppy dream.
Eat those puppies, Stan.
Eat them till you're full.
Aren't you gonna eat? I could, but it's not logical.
It would just be for pleasure.
Mmm! This French toast is so good.
You have to try it.
Nice bite, Nardo.
- Come on.
Let's train.
- Okay, Stan.
In the future, all fighting happens very low because future armor protects everyone from the mid-calf up.
So I'm gonna show you some kicks and punches that attack the ankles.
Okay, so this is the move.
Sweep low, chop low, swing low.
Got it.
You don't have to tell me twice.
I remember it exactly.
Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
We have to talk about our feelings, homes.
I'm a married woman.
Yeah.
You're married to me, jaina.
Oh.
Yeah.
I guess.
I'm Stan, just a more evolved Stan.
A Stan who spent a thousand lonely years without you, man and realized you're the most important thing in the world, eh? This is too crazy.
You're a robot! That man will let you down again and again.
I know because I was that man.
You deserve better, dog.
I'm so confused, dog.
Stan, we need to talk.
What is it? Another coupon? The coupons are all gone, brah.
But What about all the sexy coupons at the end? You two did the Tennessee Log Jammer! Where are the other two guys? And did you at least put my ladder back? This isn't easy to say but I'm leaving you for you in the future but now.
What? You can't leave me for me! And besides, he's only here to train me for the future war! There is no future war.
I made it all up.
I actually came back to steal Francine from you.
You bastard! I guess I should go release the rice cooker from the internment camp.
How could you sleep with another man? He's not another man, Stan.
He's you.
A more thoughtful version of you.
He even agreed to get in the lovers' coffin with me when I die.
I never die, so I'm just gonna lie next to her forever and stroke her hair and do nice stuff like that to her.
Oh, Cybie.
I'm more romantic than this joker.
You've got to give me another chance! I swear.
Tomorrow, I will give you the most romantic day of your life.
I don't know, Present Stan.
Okay.
Thank you! You won't regret it! - I hate you.
- Hey, brah.
I make it up to you.
Give you a handy-j.
What? It's not gay.
It's you on you.
Action.
Down here, it's our time.
It's our time down here.
Ow! What the hell? I'm getting more acting out of the sex doll.
Sex doll? Ew! I've been keeping my gum in its mouth.
That's it! I'm through with this movie! I'd rather do another one of my uncle's secret basement movies but I got too old.
Guys, wait.
Kids always talk about doing remakes of their favorite movies but they never see it through.
We can't quit.
This is our time.
It's our time down here.
- I'm in.
- Me too! Give me that map! The treasure's ours.
We're rich, baby, just like we talked about.
I know you promised Francine a romantic day tomorrow, but I can't let that happen.
Time to send you into the past.
Hayley, I overslept.
Where's your mom? She went to Hershy Park with your cyborg.
Thanks for doing the Chocolate Tunnel of Love with me again.
I was scared the first time.
But once I relaxed, I was surprised how much I liked it.
Don't! Sweep low! Rob Lowe! Chad Lowe! Augustus, no! Damn it! Why did I join that stupid cyborg program? Wait.
If I never join the program, you won't exist.
I'll just rip up my cyborg contract.
Sorry, Stan.
I knew we'd think of that.
Oh! You are just a stinker! Francine, listen.
I love you.
I get it, and I'm gonna start being attentive to your wants and needs.
If you really believe that, then here, take the contract.
It's your choice, eh? You can rip it up and get your wife back, or you can let Francine be happy with me.
What's it gonna be, ese? What you want or what she wants? What I want! Duh! Oh, my God.
What am I saying? I haven't changed.
Francine, if it takes a thousand years of loneliness and misery for me to finally understand how to treat you, then so be it.
I just want you to be happy.
That's all I needed to hear.
The refrigerator manual? I'm still Stan! Chad Lowe! Yeah? You choc-blocked me, bro! I'm never going to let go of this hand ever again.
# You never know what's gonna go down at Hershy Park # # Hershy Park Hershy Park # Augustus is dead! # At Hershy Park, Hershy Park # # Hershy Park Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ## Bye-bye! See you soon! English - US - SDH