American Dad s05e15 Episode Script

Merlot Down Dirty Shame

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # # The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## Previously on American Dad.
Help! We're trapped in this elevator! - We're gonna die in here! - Stan, I have you.
I will not let anything happen to you.
Here.
Smell my mouth.
- Garlic chicken.
- Your favorite.
Thank you, Roger.
If we get out of here, we're gonna be best friends forever.
Oh, Stan.
We'll go straight to the Jewelry Galleria and buy something to commemorate our remarkable friendship.
High five.
Is this anything like what you're talking about? This is exactly what we're talking about.
Stan, will you put mine on? You've made me so happy.
Buddy, I need your help.
Francine will be here in 10 seconds and I'm gonna tell her something she doesn't want to hear.
- Play along.
- Finally! - No, just agree with me.
- Oh.
Hey, Stan.
Just reminding you tomorrow's our drive up to wine country.
Tomorrow? Oh, boy! Tomorrow's a big workday at work.
What? Stan, I've been planning this wine-tasting trip for a long time! I wanted to go, but the security level is at orange.
- It's more dangerous now.
- Orange.
It's more dangerous now.
I call malarkey, Stan.
You just don't want to go wine-tasting.
- Well, take Roger.
- Wine lover right here.
Also a heroin lover in case anyone wants to schedule a poppy tour.
Huge heroin fan.
Don't use it.
Just like being around it.
Study it, appreciate it.
Use it sometimes.
Fine.
Good looking out, buddy.
High five.
Yeah! The red ball! Yes! Hey, Pinkerton, you're giving everyone an "A" on this dumb lab.
Sure! And I'll throw in some suckers! I wanna lick your lolly.
Now, kiss me.
I'm not gonna kiss you with my top on.
No! Amy, I have so much horniness to give! Steve, it's just a dream.
It was more than a dream, Klaus.
It was a lucid dream.
It happens.
We'll just put your sheets in the wash.
No.
A lucid dream.
It's when you have total control over everything.
I trained myself.
When I see a red ball it's a sign that I'm dreaming and I can do whatever I want.
- You must teach me! - That is such a coincidence.
Klaus, are you ready for coincidence time? I was just telling Toshi how I wanted to teach some whiny fish how to lucid dream.
I mean, come on! Later, dumb ass.
Why? Francine's pretty mad at me for bailing on her.
She made me have sex by myself last night.
Yeah, I know.
We were watching CSI together.
Well, thanks for doing this, man.
Oh, and watch her back for horn dogs.
Lot of Sweet Petes up in the wine country looking for an easy lay.
I'm the vagina goalie.
Got it.
Let's go, Roger.
Bye, baby.
- You got this handled? - Damn straight.
Swing it! Oh, yeah! - Uh, get-get a little closer.
- You bend down kind of at an angle.
Yeah! Screw Stan.
We can have a great time without him, right? How could we not? I mean, look.
They've got a wine train we can ride.
Wait.
Can we ride it? It's a small train.
It goes through the vineyards and carries passengers.
Yes! - We can ride the wine train! - Choo-choo! Don't do that.
Roger, am I not good company? I mean, why didn't Stan want to come? Oh, you know Stan.
He's a big weirdo.
Oh, before I forget, this is my wine journal from my last tour.
I got you one.
We can rate the wines we taste.
Check out my system.
I guess I didn't like this particular wine because next to the name, I drew a butt taking a dukie.
But here, this one- this one's a dukie in a baseball cap.
- A hat means I like the wine.
- What's that? That's a dukie in an Indian headdress.
Racist.
- I was drunk by then.
- Oh, the hell with Stan.
Let's get ripped.
Yeah! I got a map with all the best spots in town.
You said "raped," right? Whoa, Frannie! You might want to slow down.
More like you might want to speed up.
It's on, bitch.
I'm gonna go I'm gonna go hit the head, come back, and get ruined.
Like, just ruin myself and everything around me.
- Did you just drink my wine? - Probably.
- I'm getting drunk off my ass.
- Very nice.
Two lubricants down this way, por favor.
Yo, Jack, you'd better step away.
That's my best friend's girl.
Did you- Did you already pee? No, I didn't make it.
But this guy- this guy here Mr.
Sweet Pete, he thinks he's making it.
Just buying the lady a drink.
I'll buy her the drinks, thank you.
Can you- Can you- Can you just spot me a 20? I lost my wallet somewhere in this thieving town.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
This is- I can't- I can't even believe- Thank you.
Thank you.
This is an honest town.
Somebody- Somebody just turned it in? No.
You found it in your jacket.
Thank you.
I'm about- I'm about ready to call it a night.
You're fun! That's who you are.
Mia, we need napkins over here.
So the kitchen's closing in five minutes if you want anything.
Anything? Can you ask the chef if he can whip me up a room without so many pubic hairs in the bathtub? That's funny.
Yeah, that's why I said it.
- She likes you.
- That Bowzer? She thinks I'm a Milk Bone.
Come on.
Hey, look how much I love wine, Frannie.
You perv! - Roger! - What? God! Why did you do that? Oh! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean- I didn't mean- I'm sorry.
I'm just- I'm drunk.
Look, I'll go to sleep in the car now.
I'll- I'm just- I'll go to the car, okay? Ow! Ew! Gross! Somebody- Somebody's drying their bike shorts on the railing.
Make me breakfast.
What's up with Steve? He's sleeping all the time.
He's on a lucid dream kick.
Well, not during Iconoclasts with Katherine Helmond and Usher.
- I don't know who you are.
- I don't know who you are.
Hey, wake up! Can't you do that somewhere else? It doesn't matter where I do it.
When I go into my dreams, I'm king.
It's awesome.
You should try it.
Maybe in your dreams, you could have some friends.
- Shut up! I have friends.
- Oh, right.
I forgot about your best friend, the fish.
Fools.
What a jerk.
We need to take him down a peg.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Use the secret mental telepathy we share to bring down Steve? No.
I say we mess with Steve without using our powers.
God.
Stick-in-the-mud bitch.
- Klaus, you know I can hear you.
- Yeah.
I'm pissed! I'm insulting you! Roger, maybe we should talk about last night.
- Get some breakfast? Excellent! - Oh! Y'all have enough time? I'll have two eggs, one over easy, one over medium three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey a fruit cup, unless it's mostly honeydew melon in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit a glass of whole milk over ice and a side of toast barely browned, closer to bread than toast I'm not joking, with as many local jams as you have in stock.
- Oh, and a Bloody Mary.
- We don't serve alcohol.
- Look, about last night- - It was nothing.
I made a stupid, drunk mistake, and it'll never happen again.
Good.
We'll put it behind us, and hopefully Stan will understand.
Whoa! Whoa! I don't- I don't think we tell Stan.
He's my best friend, and l- I betrayed him.
Roger, I've got to be up front with him.
Oh, like he was when he didn't tell you he was an ice dancer? Remember? It was his winter secret.
Well, this'll be your fall secret.
Seasonal secrets.
I was thinking of opening a boutique with that name.
God, to open a boutique! Look, if I don't tell Stan and he ever found out then this thing that meant nothing would suddenly mean something.
Francine, please, just think about it, okay? - Okay, I'll think about it.
- Excuse me.
Is Smucker's produced locally? - Um- - No, it's not.
He's coming! Throw it! The red ball! Oh, my God! This is the most real dream yet! - Wait.
Can this be a dream? - Who stole the tarts? Who stole the tarts? Boy, did you see a short giraffe with a mouthful of muffin? This is awesome! Hayley, give me lunch money.
Now ask Snot on a date.
- Hello? - Hi.
It's Hayley.
- Will you go out with me? - Oh, my God, yes! Oh, my Godl Oh, my God.
Oh, my- Today, school is a pajama party.
I think I'll fly there.
Or-Or you could force me to be your chauffeur slave.
Yes.
That seems more appropriate for the dream king.
Run all the lights! It's my dream.
Nothing can hurt us.
But don't drive too fast.
I need about 15 for a little Steve time.
- We are getting away with this.
- No talking! Say, I was just thinking again about the whole kiss thing.
Anyhoo, I bet you decided not to tell Stan.
- Actually, I think he should know.
- Why? He blew you off.
I shouldn't even have been on this trip.
Of course, it's no surprise.
He's just not romantic.
Big romantic surprise! - Mwah! - Oh, baby.
Oh, no.
I missed my girl and my best friend.
- Blow me? - You bet! Yeah! That bartender Mia told me where you'd be.
She remembered you, Roger.
I think she's into you, but she thought you were with Francine.
Funny you should say that, because last night Oh! How clumsy of me.
I'm still getting used to my artificial foot.
Don't worry about it.
I'll wash it out in the bathroom.
That lady's knockers- Boy! Those damn Sweet Petes! You have any trouble with them last night? No, no.
Last night was pretty uneventful.
- Hey, you want to go? - Aren't we waiting for Francine? She just texted me.
She ran into a friend from camp in the bathroom.
She'll meet us at the next place.
Race you to the car! Where are you guys going? Please, Francine! I'm telling him, Roger.
- Stan- - I wanna be where the action is.
Sing free-form jazz with me.
Good show, Roger.
I'm gonna go buy us matching golf shirts.
- What are you? Large? Medium? - Boy's husky.
Stan! Come on, Francine.
Can't you give me this one thing? - He's my best friend in the world.
- My mind's made up.
He's gonna take my necklace away.
Frannie, I just need a little time to think.
Maybe you do too, huh? Now we both have a little time to think.
Thinking's good.
Thinking's what rational people do.
I got you a women's small.
I had a fat kid try it on.
- It looked great on him, so- - Thanks, bud.
By the way, Francine said she was pooped, so she went to the spa for a mud bath.
- Help! - Do you hear screaming? Screaming? Yeah, I hear it.
It's my calves.
We rented bikes yesterday.
Did 50 miles.
They are howling, bud.
Hey, Roger! Sit up here at the bar.
Yuck.
Don't stop.
We're actually gonna order some food.
I serve the full menu right here.
Stop it, Mia.
You know your face is gross to me.
Don't make me talk about that.
- When's Francine back from the spa? - Could take weeks.
She's gettin' the Tom and Jerry cleanse.
They send a hungry field mouse up her waa-waa, let it go to town.
Then they send a cat in after the mouse.
It's a long process.
You're funny, man.
Order me the hamburger salad.
I'm gonna go shower up.
How you been, Rog? - Do I know you? - It's Mark.
Remember? I paid for the chocolates you got caught stealing at the winery.
- You were there with your wife.
- That wasn't my wife! That was my best buddy's wife, and I ended up kissing her.
When he finds out, our friendship's gonna be over! Not necessarily.
Just let your buddy kiss your girl, and then you'll be even.
Oh, yeah, that'd be great, but I don't have a girlfriend.
Hey, beautiful.
You free tonight? Of course you're free.
Now, go home and put on your best Disneyland sweatshirt.
We're going out! Don't panic.
I'm just keeping you down there until I can fix things.
- Roger! - And I got you food.
Sun Fresh chips, right? And a sandwich.
Did you get it? Hello? Is the sandwich stuck in the pipe? Did you get any of the chips? They're Sun Fresh chips.
They're healthy for you.
Healthier than regular chips.
Oh, no, they are not.
Yo, yo! I stopped for burgers after I choked it.
Are we going too far with this? I sure hope so.
Steve, it's almost 1:00.
Get a load of Big Ben.
Dong! Dong! I know what time it is.
I'm going to go get Principal Lewis! Yo, girl.
You're my lab partner.
But I'm paired up with Dennis.
Dennis is paired up with the floor now.
Mmm! Steve, you're so crazy today.
You think that's crazy? Wait till you see this! Let's fly! No, don't! I don't want to look.
Does my leg look broken? Oh, my God! So, where do you want to go? I thought we'd just hang here with my buddy Stan.
He's super fun, great kisser.
Stan, you old bastard, get in here.
This is my very serious girlfriend, Mia.
We're friends.
It's okay to kiss hello.
What's a kiss? Nothing! Means you're friends.
Wine country! Tequila all around! To kissing! Come on! Group kiss! I kiss Mia.
I kiss Stan.
Everybody's kissing.
You guys kiss.
I'm just gonna use the john real quick.
What are you doing just sittin' there? You're the worst date.
Go kiss him while he's pooping.
You know, give him a San Diego thank you.
# Lips are for kissin' Uh, uh, uh # # Lips are for kissin' Uh, uh, uh # You guys like that song- " Lips Are For Kissing"? Kiss if you like that song.
I think I should go.
You can't leave without a kiss.
Come on! Go tongue-blast his baloney hole! Hey, bro, I wouldn't be too broken up about her.
I was waiting to tell you, but she tried to kiss me on the toilet.
A little kiss? You thought I'd care? No, we're friends, so it's okay.
Not in my book.
That makes it especially not okay.
Remember these? Best friends forever, man.
Stan, something happened last night.
You're not gonna like it, but I have to tell you the truth.
- Stan, I have something to tell you.
- Roger already told me.
- Really? - Yes, all the sordid details.
Well, it wasn't sordid.
It was just a stupid little kiss.
- So you admit it! You kissed Roger! - What? - No! He kissed me! - Lie.
- I've been trying to tell you all day.
- All day? I've been waiting all day for you to come clean.
But you went to the spa to ease your guilty conscience.
Well, I couldn't leave my buddy hanging any longer.
Stan, this is crazy.
He kissed me, and then he buried me alive! Good try! We know you had a mud bath.
In my clothes? Yeah.
You ruined a perfectly fine dress your hardworking husband bought you.
I do work hard.
He's lying, Stan! No, I'm not.
Stan, this is the high five truth.
This is ridiculous! Francine, I'm sorry.
If I hid this from Stan and he found out then this thing that meant nothing would suddenly mean something.
That- That's what I told you! I'll kill you! Leave him alone, Francine.
Roger's a true friend.
Hey, these bike shorts are dry.
Why don't they take them down? Hey, Room 23, your shorts! Who knows how many guys she was with who weren't my best buddy and didn't tell me! Yeah.
Yeah, probably a lot.
I've put so much into this marriage.
God.
Now it looks like divorce.
- Half of all marriages end in divorce.
- But it's so terrible.
First, there's the kids- the poor kids.
- It'll make them stronger.
- Then the house.
We'll have to sell the house.
It's just stuff, man.
Things.
Which means no more attic for you.
- Beg pardon? - I mean, where will you live? This affects everyone.
Whoa! What's this? Is the sidewall cracking? Shouldn't be.
I just got these Okay, Stan, now I can tell you.
You don't have to get divorced and sell the attic because I was the one who kissed Francine.
But it didn't mean anything.
It was just a drunken slip-up.
Damn it, Roger! Get me the hell out of here! I'm just gonna give you some time to cool off.
- I'm gonna rip your fuckin' head off! - Okay, so you need more time.
Next time on American Dad.
Not the necklace! Ow.
They're beautiful, Stan.
You're beautiful, baby.
You're beautiful.
I can't believe you did this to me.
Amy's family might prosecute me for attempted murder! You wore your underwear to school.
- Wow! Hayley, you look beautiful.
- What are you talking about? I shaved.
I'm here for our date.
I sold all my toys to rent a limo.
No.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
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