American Dad s06e01 Episode Script

Tonight, in honor of the 100th episode of American Dad, tragedy will strike Langley Falls with death 100 times.
That's right, you've come to know and love will die.
For Pete sakes, these things are going to kill me.
But not tonight! No, tonight we're going to find out who shot Mr.
Burns.
What? 15 years ago? Who was it? Really? The baby? I want a baby.
? Oh, babe, it's true ? Oh, Jeff's serenading Hayley again.
? I want to touch butts with you ? I'm gonna shoot him in the throat.
Stan, wait! I want to watch.
Stop it, you guys.
Look, I told Jeff I'm not ready to date anyone right now.
So you don't have to worry about him.
Good.
Look at him-- he still rocks a goatee.
Poser-ass bitch.
Look, he's a sweet guy.
He's just a little lost right now.
Hayley, you don't know what you're talking about.
You have terrible judgment.
The one time we let you order pizza, you ordered no sauce, extra olives.
I was so astounded I took a picture of it.
No, that's not it-- that's a picture of when I met Loni Anderson at the airport.
Next on HBO: Tracy Ullman performs her ethnic favorites.
Change the channel.
Hurry! Where's the remote? ULLMAN Change it! I can't find it! I'm so sleepy.
It's okay.
It can't hurt us now.
Hey, Roger, a missing remote.
Sounds like another case for Wheels and The Leg Man.
Wheels and The Leg Man.
Enough! What the hell's your problem? Every Wheels and The Legman is the same.
You pick some boring case, you bicker, then you solve it.
The solution usually being that Roger is the culprit.
It's true.
I've got the remote right here.
? Cheek to cheek, and hole to hole ? ? To hole ? ? There's a third hole ? Go on, Jeff, shoo, shoo, scat.
Jeff, you're not good enough for our daughter.
You have no job, no home and no future.
Plus, you're always wiping your face.
No, I'm not.
Helado? Why nobody buy my helado? So guess who got put on chauffeur duty again? I did not join the CIA for this.
Anyway, Mama, I'm not gonna make home for Randy's birthday.
Just kick him in his fat ass for me 29 times.
Yes, sir? Reginald, this isn't the way I usually drive to work.
Look, you may got me driving you, but I'm gonna take my route.
Does your route include the attitude store where we could stop and get you a new attitude? Now what is this mess? Whoa, you got a limo.
Are you rich? Yeah, Jeff, I'm rich.
I'm a millionaire.
So I wear this stupid hat and drive this long bitch.
Hayley won't talk to me.
I've tried everything.
Look, man, Hayley broke my heart too, but the girl told us both she needs some space.
You should do what I'm doing-- start casually dating other women.
I'm seeing a fine bitch right now-- works at Chik-fil-A down by the airport.
Got grease burns all over her arms.
Am I gonna marry her? Hell, no! But she don't need to know that.
Um, all right, I guess I could give Hayley her space.
My man.
Now go take a shower.
You smell like cheap weed and apple sauce.
Cheap weed and apple sauce.
Okay, how about this for a case? Wheel's ex comes to town looking for whoever poisoned her race horse.
Uh, yeah Hey, what if I'm visited by the ghost of my dead father who also used to be a detective? So we're just saying the first thing that comes into our minds? Okay, tickle monster.
I know, Dad-- I have to deal with this every day at the agency.
Your ghost father is not here! Oh, no? Then who's possessing me? Stop it.
Stop it, Wheels.
Stop it Wheels Stop it, Wheel's father! Hayley.
Jeff, what are you doing here? Look Hey, who solved my theorem?! Which one of you is the genius? You there.
Jeff, I thought I told you I know you don't want to see me, but I need to tell you something.
And then, if you want, I'll leave you alone forever.
Thank God we got rid of Jeff and that old hippie.
The stench of pot and body odor was beginning to reach h McConnaughey-vian proportions.
What's this note from Hayley? Dear, Mom and Dad, I realized I'm still in love with Jeff Fisher.
I know you hate his guts, which is why we've decided to elope.
Stan? Did I Did I turn back time? No.
You fainted and bashed your head on the counter.
I'm-I'm pretty sure I turned back time.
You must be Francine's grandmother.
One day, your granddaughter will make me a moderately happy man.
I I can't believe Haley ran off with that idiot.
The kids are going to be half loser.
I'll hate my grandchildren.
And I'm gonna tell 'em.
I'm going to look them straight in the eye and say, "Pop-Pop hates you.
" Says here they're getting married tonight at sunset.
We'll never be able to stop them.
We have no idea where they went.
Oh, we have no idea? Just like we want to have a weekend in Santa Fe? You.
You have no idea.
You want to go to Santa Fe.
I had tracking chips implanted in the base of the kids' skulls when they were born.
Hayley's heading north.
She's only 40 minutes away.
Let's go.
Which way is north? That way.
It's a dead end.
Whoo! We're getting married! I'm so glad you said yes.
When you proposed, it's like my heart started up again.
I feel so close to you, you know.
Like we're brother and sister.
Like you're my mom, but with benefits.
This is so exciting.
We're starting our lives together.
So what's our plan? Oh, I got it all figured out.
As soon as we're married, we're gonna move to rural Mexico and produce a cartoon about crickets that don't like to eat their vegetables.
Really? That's your plan? Yeah.
I already wrote the pilot script.
Will you read it and give me notes? I'm especially interested in any areas that come off too pornographic.
Stan, Hayley's dot hasn't moved in the last 20 minutes.
What could she be doing? Oh, God! You don't think she's having sex? No, if her body temperature rises, the dot turns purple.
I paid extra for that option.
I can also explode her breasts at any time.
Good.
She should be up here to the right.
They must be in the bathroom.
It turned purple! What?! I don't get it.
Where's Hayley? She must have ripped out her tracking device and fed it to one of these dogs.
Which one? That one.
Well, I was able to reattach his legs.
I think he's gonna make it.
Oh, thank God.
Stan, my credit card is missing.
Hayley must have taken it.
Where's this scarf come from? Oh, that was the liner of my purse.
Okay, thanks.
The last charge was ten minutes ago at the Nut and Jerky House at the base of the Chimdale Mountains.
That mountain range is enormous.
We'll never find them in time to stop the wedding.
We scrimped and sacrificed to save $50,000 to give that girl a beautiful wedding.
And now that money's just gone.
No, Francine, we still have the money.
We didn't have the wedding.
No, but, Stan, she Oh.
We good, champ? We work that out? 'Cause I have an idea how we can use that money.
We have breaking news to report.
We go now to local man Stan Smith, live via satellite phone.
Hello? Yes, Stan, go ahead.
Four hours ago, my daughter, Hayley Smith eloped with the notorious slacker Jeff Fisher.
I'm offering $50,000 to anyone who can stop the wedding.
They're getting married somewhere in the Chimdale Mountains.
Again, that reward is 50 grand, to anyone who can stop the wedding of Hayley Smith and Jeff Fisher.
Oh, hell no.
That slippery-ass hippie.
I gotta stop this.
I gotta show Hayley I'm still in the game.
I'm going to call my man at Jewelry Galleria.
Yo, Doug, I need a diamond.
Doesn't have to be big, but make it flawless.
That's friend price? You let me down, Doug.
I'm gonna call NYC.
I'm gonna get my Hebrews on this.
Let's go get that money, people.
Yeah! Here we are, the honeymoon suite.
Oh, fancy.
Chocolate on the pillow.
Hey, come back, chocolate.
Look, I'm sorry about the room, babe.
I just don't have a lot of scratch right now.
But once we get to Mexico Jeff, I don't want to go to Mexico, okay? That's your plan.
We need a plan we can both be excited about.
A new plan New Mexico! I need to take a walk.
Knock-knock.
Hotel manager.
Sorry to intrude, but you got the only working toilet.
You might want to turn the TV up pretty loud.
I ate an artichoke today.
Were you the one who wanted to schedule an ATV ride? a $50,000 reward to anyone who can stop the marriage.
The girl has been described as a likely Women's Studies major and probable roller derby captain, while the male is your classic run-of-the-mill stoner.
Here's an artist rendering of the couple.
Zoinks! Only a couple of hours until sunset.
I pray someone finds them before it's too late.
Oh, look! It's Principal Lewis! Hi, Principal Lewis! What the hell?! I'm getting to those kids first! I need that money! I'm not going back to that school! y'all! Whoo-hoo-hoo! People are excited! Reginald, are we at the CIA yet? Change of plans.
I'm going after the woman of my dreams: Hayley Smith.
Hayley Smith?! Oh, I had a thing with her one summer.
What? You and Hayley had a thing? A thing? That's a polite way of saying I tapped her like a pony keg.
Banged her around so much, I lost my deposit.
Sir, I would appreciate it if you could refrain from any sexual reminiscing regarding Hayley whilst we take our little detour.
Ah, I took a detour on Hayley.
Got lost in the brush and went down a dirt road.
What's all this now? Why are we stopping? You and I are gonna fight in a field.
? Ah-na-na way ? ? Ah-na-na-way, na-na! ? What are you doing? Capoeira, bitch! That's Brazilian dance-fighting.
I'm trained! Oh, I guess we started.
My gentleman's blouse! Finding Hayley for the reward money.
Now that's a real case.
All right, I got everything we need: chocolate milk, cheese puffs and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.
Whoa, whoa, Legs! You sure that's a good idea? I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
See? Everything in moderation.
Now I'm gonna have five cheese puffs, no more.
Legs, please, just-just pull over! Why are you calling me "Legs"? Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why, is that why there's a wheelchair in the car?! What did you do to my legs, you Nazi walrus bastard?! Steve, who is he talking to? Shut up, Garfield! Why-Why, why do you, why do you hate Mondays?! You don't even work! Officer, please, I'm an educator.
I'm a molder of young minds.
Shoulder jam! Brother's in the front seat this time ! $50,000.
I'm gonna miss you, money.
Not you, briefcase.
Stan, are we doing the right thing? What if Hayley hates us for doing this? Hates us? We're saving her from making a huge mistake.
She'll probably thank us one day.
Like I thanked that woman who talked me out of sleeping with her on that business trip last spring.
She was right.
It would have been a huge mistake.
I just couldn't see that at the time.
God, she had the prettiest eyes! I shoulda done it.
I shoulda.
Hello.
Hey, Mr.
S.
It's Jeff! Hey, Jeff! I know you're offering 50 grand to anyone who stops the wedding.
Uh What if I agreed to not marry your daughter? Would you give me the money? I played Stan's satanic best friend in episode 302.
Dumping Hayley for the reward money! That son of a bitch hippie! Francine, this is a good thing.
We'll just give Jeff the 50 grand and be rid of him forever! You piece of .
Francine, please.
You're gonna break my daughter's heart for $50,000?! Francine! You're too angry right now.
Go buy some nuts and jerky.
You're buying my wife some nuts and jerky.
I'm gonna buy some nuts and jerky, you piece of .
Whoa! Hundred-dollar bills.
Hello, President Shakespeare.
You'll find Hayley at the Chimdale Mountain Inn.
We were right about you all along.
I'm sorry, Mr.
S.
Your daughter and I have just been fighting a lot, and I'm not sure she's awesome.
Just say the word.
Don't do it, Francine! All I heard was, "Do it.
" Honey, it's not loaded.
Ow.
Seh-seh-seh! All right, enough of this.
Are you ready to apologize? I apologize to the maids at the Red Roof Inn who have to clean the curtains and you just said all that.
I'm gonna call your mama and tell her what you said.
Don't! That money's mine! MAN 2: I saw her first! Leave me alone! Fireman chop! Come here, you valuable shiksa! Fumble! Hey! Spring break, yeah! Yeah! Stop, all of you! The reward has been claimed! Who claimed it? The hippie Jeff Fisher.
Really? The NFL coach? Probably.
I thought he was dead.
Wha What are you talking about? He took the money, Hayley.
He's no good.
That's not possible.
I'm sorry, honey, but it's better you find out now.
I guess you guys were right.
I'll get my stuff, and then we can go home.
Bitch, what are you crying about?! I was counting on that money.
I can't go back to work now! I took a deuce on my desk! y'all! That was quite a ride, Wheels, but I think I got us there.
Hey, I see Hayley! Don't marry Jeff! Case closed.
How much packing does she have to do? It's been 45 minutes.
You saw her face when she found out Jeff bailed on her.
She's devastated! She looked like she wanted to die.
Wait You don't think she'd? Oh, my God! Hayley! Oh, it's okay.
It's just the hotel manager.
"Surprise.
Jeff and I were in on it together.
"We stole your money and eloped, "this time in style.
"By the way, it was my loser husband's idea.
Yours truly, Mrs.
Jeff Fisher.
" That's a weird suicide note.
No, this is from Hayley.
The suicide note's on the back.
"I'm so sorry for all the horrible things I've done.
You'll find the severed penises underneath" Ah, I don't care.
That weaselly little sneak! What the hell are you smiling at? Our daughter's new husband just made 50 grand in half a day.
Maybe he's not the idiot we thought he was.
Huh.
So maybe Hayley's judgment isn't so bad.
What do you know? Maybe I won't hate my grandchildren after all.
So what do you want to do now? What a day.
I love you, too, babe.
So, now that we're married, there's something I want you to see.
Totally makes up for my small penis, huh?