American Dad s06e03 Episode Script

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Wow, a private tennis lesson with Maria Sharapova.
I scared him right out the window.
You're the scariest man I know.
I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Ah, it's so crooked and awesome.
Don't set it.
We'll freak people out with it tonight at the BOTH Scariest haunted house on the block, witches! And every year you get me so scared, I pee my pants.
Eight years running.
What up? Hey.
What do you think of my poker face? Call the paparazzi.
Is that Terry? Terry Gaga.
Looking forward to your haunted house tonight.
It'll scare you straight.
Every year.
What the heck was that? Sounds like it came from Buckle and Shari's house.
Buckle's doing a haunted house? That's my thing.
Oh, he's new to the neighborhood.
He clearly doesn't know that you're the Fresh Prince of Bel Scare.
Let's go see what this amateur is doing.
Wait, what about my shoulder? I'll kill you! Not too shabby, huh? Everything you see here is my own creation.
This is all stuff I wanted to do when I was an Imagineer at Disney but was told my ideas weren't "family friendly.
" I'll skin you alive, you little whore! I'm getting my nails done.
I guess I'm taking the pumpkin car since my Mazda's blocked in.
And get this facocta ghoul off the car! That's your navigation system, hon.
At the corner, take a fright.
Shut up! Well, I sure hope you guys can make it tonight for all the fun.
But, but I'm, I'm the Fresh Prince eight years running.
Oh, my God, Buckle! How do you like my inflate-double? Shari says we're both full of hot air.
I never envisioned my life like this.
I don't know how to get out.
Steven, let me guess: you're a Transformer.
A Transformer? I'm not a child anymore, madam.
I am a Gobot.
And Barry? I'm Jonah Hill, or Seth Rogen if I put on Steve's glasses.
And Snot, are you a gymnast? No, these are my gym clothes, okay? My mom sold my dragon costume to buy dental dams.
What do I care if she spreads what she's got? She's already got it.
I don't care if those other guys get it.
Come in, kids.
I bought Toshi a fun samurai outfit, but he's too stubborn to put it on.
But Toshi, this is your heritage.
Slam! You promised your sister.
Unless you boys would be willing to take Akiko? Hummina, hummina, hummina, boner.
What? No, I mean, I mean, yeah, you can come, more the merrier, whatevs.
I love you, not even.
He wants you to protect me and have me back by sundown.
No, he's looking out for you.
I like that.
Strong family bond.
You know what this says a lot for? Two-parent homes.
Let's stay together, people, let's work it out.
Stan, if you want those guts to look real, I suggest using a Bolognese.
You know, after university, I traveled through Italy, stabbing students.
Francine, where have you been? You're supposed to be peeling grapes for our bowl of eyeballs.
I had to go see Buckle's again.
What?! You went to another man's haunted house? I couldn't help it.
I honestly don't know how I got out of there.
The upstairs hallway spiraled into a black hole and the weather kept changing and then I was a child again.
Well, mine is going to be way better once I hang all these cobwebs.
How scary are these? Spiders made these, people are meant to think.
Stan, I'm sorry, but you can't compete with Buckle.
What are you talking about? I'm still the scariest What is that sound? Nothing.
That's pee-pee.
Did you-- did you pee yourself at Buckle's? I'm sorry, Stan, but it's really scary over there.
He has this terrifying Semitic woman that keeps screaming "Coasters!" I couldn't help it.
My panties overflowed and filled my shoes.
I can't believe this is happening.
Stan, you're going to have to face it.
Buckle's haunted house is better than yours.
The Stan Smith haunted house era is over.
Wait, but I already told Bat Boy he could live in our basement till spring.
Is there a problem, Stan? 'Cause I already gave up my bed at the hospital.
Roger? Down here.
Sit on me, like a suitcase.
There's a lot of history in these jeans.
Pam Anderson was wearing these when she found out she had all four hepatitises-- hepatiti? Either way, she's a friend.
Ah, forget it.
Don't worry, I'll get these on before the haunted house starts.
Sorry, Roger, it's off.
What? Francine's thrown in the towel.
She says I can't compete with Buckle.
And you know what? She's right.
No, she's not.
You can make your house scarier than Buckle's.
How? A lot of folks out there are trying to scare people with fake ghouls and goblins.
That's all fantasy.
That's not the world we live in.
It's time to get back to basics, Stan.
You work at the CIA.
You can get real stuff that's even scarier.
Real corpses, real eyeballs, real skeletons.
Stan, it's time for you To be real What you find-ah So my haunted house should be real? What you feel-ah Now you're listening.
What you know-ah Uh-huh? To be real.
Roger, you talk-sing a lot of sense.
Francine will see our haunted house can still be the scariest.
I'm gonna get real.
You do that.
I'm gonna find out who these black people are.
Come on, say something to impress her, something funny, something Halloween-related.
So that Cadbury egg I ate made me gassy.
All right, the sun's going down.
Let's get Akiko home so we can head over to Vince Chung's bonfire in the woods.
Parents love P.
F.
Chang's.
You guys go ahead.
I'll walk Akiko home.
Oh, my God, the ghost of Whiskers.
I'm sorry, Whiskers! I didn't know you couldn't breathe underwater! Where are you going? My house is this way.
I know, but we're having fun.
Plus, I thought we'd head over to Vince Chung's bonfire.
That sounds great, but Toshi said I had to be back by sunset.
He's super protective, Steve.
Don't worry about Toshi.
What's he going to do, come after us? Yah, yah, yah! Well, I finally got into my jeans.
I'm muffin-topping pretty bad.
Who are they? Serial killers.
What?! Yeah, I'm keeping it real, just like you said.
What's scarier than real live murderers? My God, Stan, you're a genius.
This will be your scariest haunted house ever.
Francine will forget all about Buckle.
Usually when I see men in cages, they're kissing each other and I'm throwing pesos at them.
Peso! Kiss! Kiss! Peso! I used my CIA connections to borrow five of the most ruthless serial killers on the eastern seaboard.
When Francine sees I saved our haunted house, she's going to be totally back on board.
And then maybe tonight I'll introduce her to The thickness! I died of fright at Buckle's House of Horror.
Free ghost churros for the little ones.
Did you see those ghosts? Oh, my God.
I'm gonna swing by Targét on the way to Buckle's and pick up some Huggies.
My house is going to be way better than Buckle's.
I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts.
How dare you quote Ghostbusters to me.
I wrote a movie called Rump Busters and threw it at a guy on the bus who looked like Harold Ramis.
Two weeks later, Ghostbusters came out.
Coincidence? Absolutely.
Happy Halloween.
Trick or treat! Oh, my God, Steve and Akiko.
How-- how do you know our names? Toshi's looking for you two.
Oh, no, Toshi's furious.
There he is.
Come on, let's cut through the house.
I enjoy dolphins.
Where are we going? Listen.
It's the Langley Falls.
We can hide from Toshi there.
Next time I'm going to get a crush on Snot's sister.
She can only move so fast in those polio braces.
I don't know about this costume.
I want to go as someone sexy.
Come on, everyone does the sexy thing.
It's so played out.
What the hell are you? I'm the cowardly lion.
No, you're a sexy cowardly lion! Guilty as charged.
Now follow me.
I have a surprise for you.
I don't think you'll be going to Buckle's when you see actual serial killers.
Serial killers? That's right.
Uh, what do they do? It's not what they do.
It's what they did.
Between them, they've killed 86 people, and most of the hookers Drew Carey's slept with.
Oh, Stan! Wow! This place is magical.
Yeah, every time I come here, I see something new.
Like a rare insect, or an older man and a younger man hooking up.
Hey, let's go swimming! There's a cave on the other side of the falls.
They say if you swim to it with someone, you're friends forever! Not the best swimmer.
Guess we're just leaving our candy unattended.
Akiko, that was incredible! Incredible Incredible.
That was a duck.
That was a duck.
That was a duck.
Step right up and behold.
Death Row! More like Lame Row.
Those guys aren't scary at all.
What?! Hey, let's go to Buckle's.
I hear he's got this tiny bat that flies up your urethra.
It's crazy.
It feels crazy.
Guys, it's show time! What gives? Come on, where's the rage? Are you tired? Is it too cold in here? Is it the lights? Are they making that buzzing noise? Hey, Manny! The lights are making the buzzing noise again.
Oh boy.
Stan, nice try, but this is so boring.
I'm gonna go to Buckle's.
Please, give it a chance.
Hello.
Roger, the plan's not working.
They're just sitting here.
Well, that's why I'm dressed like Francine.
You got to get 'em riled up.
Poke the bear a little.
Appeal to their rapey side.
Anyone want to cut my head off and have sex with my body? You look like a fat pear.
I hate you, you fat, gray pear! You monster! What turns you on?! Flesh-colored, non-fruit shaped people?! Like this one? Is this what you want?! Now that's a head I could cut off! Let me out of here! Honey, how come you're not peeing? I don't know.
It's like looking at a shark in an aquarium.
They're menacing, but it's not really that scary.
Great.
Now I need a new Halloween costume.
Roger, I'm taking one of your outfits.
Francine, wait! Do not use my Barbara Walters outfit! I'm interviewing Mo'Nique next week.
I'm gonna ask her to sit on my lap! Maybe I'll go as a slutty Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Francine, don't go to Buckle's! We can take turns kicking Bat Boy.
Stan, you don't have to worry.
I fixed everything.
What's going on? I let the prisoners out.
You what?! Yeah, Francine was right.
A shark's not very intimidating behind glass, but if you're in the ocean with it But Roger, they're going to kill us all! And chop off my head! Scary, right? Ugh! I never think things through.
I'm coming for you, Francine! Stan, call the police! Good thinking.
They cut the line.
Help! Serial killers are loose in here! Call the police! Let's check it out.
No, no.
What are you doing?! Don't come over here! It's very dangerous! You will die! All right! KID 2: Hurry up! KID 3: Seriously, guys, that homemade Tootsie Roll made me feel funny.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
Morons! Well, we're sitting ducks up here.
We've got to sneak out of the house.
before the killers get to us.
Oh boy.
Excuse my hair.
It's super frizzy, and the only thing about this moment I wish I could change.
Aah! GoBot activate! Form of escape rocket! Get out of here! You're gonna die! Why are you running? I love you! Lean against the door! VITAS The door won't budge.
They must have the fridge against it.
Uh, this is my wake-up call.
Do it! Kill me! Because that's what you're doing to your sister.
Look, you've got to stop being so overprotective.
She's not a little girl, Toshi.
She's a young lady.
I know you love her, but if you don't loosen your kung-fu grip, you're gonna lose her forever.
Thanks for sticking up for me, Steve.
Now I can finally date without worrying about Toshi's wrath, which is so great, because I have such a big crush on Doug.
Doug?! But Doug's nine.
He's a really nice guy.
And Doug can dance.
We can't hold them off forever! I can't believe we're gonna get butchered all because you needed to have the best haunted house! I did all this for you, Francine.
What? Why? To impress you.
You chose Buckle over me.
It doesn't matter whose house is scarier.
You're my wife.
You're supposed to stand by my side, lie to me and tell me my house is better.
Oh, my God, Stan, I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.
Yeah, it is your fault.
Head for the woods! It's always safe there! Hai! Hai! Ya! Ah ya! Abba-Zaba! Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
Come on.
There's something I've wanted to do since I first laid eyes on you.
Get those bangs off your face.
I'm taking this home with me.