American Dad s06e15 Episode Script

License to Till

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! You guys ready? Oh, I don't know, Snot.
A whole week of working after school on your uncle's farm? Steve, we promised him.
And you know he can't afford a professional crew.
Plus, it's a mitzvah.
What's a mitzvah? A mitt's fah catching a baseball! Yacka-yacka-yacka! Ehh? There's a smile.
Come on! We'll all be together! What could be more fun than that? Oh, my God.
It's all the cool kids.
Yeah! Who wants to be us?! Let's go surf and mountain-bike and explore each other's bodies! Oh, yeah! Aw, man, can you imagine what it's like to be one of them? Yeah! Who wants to be us?! Let's go surf and mountain-bike and explore each other's bodies! Oh, yeah! Oh Well, howdy, boychicks.
You're real mensches to help me bring in this year's cabbage crop.
Well, as you know, Yom Kippur's on the horizon, and temples everywhere are predicting a robust break fast.
Now, this here cabbage'll supply every Jew on the eastern seaboard with the delicious coleslaw they crave.
Any questions? Do dolphins sleep? They are mammals, and they do sleep.
Schmuely, you're one heck of a nephew, and you got a great group of friends here.
The best! And you're the best of the best of the best, Steve.
Thanks, bud.
I think Toshi can hear us.
Hey, babe.
Back from my mission in New Brunswick.
Honey! Welcome home.
Surprise! Oh, my God.
A decorative spoon.
You didn't even open it.
Oh, my God.
A decorative spoon.
Do you love it? You collect them.
I have a collection, because you bring me one from every mission.
Well, just tell me what you want to collect, and I'll You're you're crying.
What's the matta, ya hungry? I know you mean well, but I feel like there's just no more surprises in our marriage.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
This is a problem.
Honey, mark this date: the day I vow to return the element of surprise to our marriage.
Oh, Stan.
Oh! Farted during a hug.
Hey, that's kind of a surprise.
No, it's kind of not.
All these people walking around without bags.
Buy something! You're killing this mall! How's your pretzel? Good.
I brought it from home.
Oh, look at those nerd bombs.
Probably gonna use that fabric to make each other wizard cloaks.
What is that, about a yard? Wow! Yeah, it is about a yard.
They'll never be cool.
You're either born cool, or you're not.
I don't know about that.
I'm pretty sure I can make anybody cool.
Oh, ja? One dollar says you can't make the next loser up the escalator into a cool.
You got yourself a bet.
Damn it, you saw him coming.
You're using that wrong.
Yes It's fine.
I mean, how hard could it be to make Steve cool? Oh, my God! Pals that I know! Hello, pals! I'm here to get my eyeglasses adjusted! Hey, you got Gummi Bears in your ears? I said hello.
Hey, Smith, I got to get ready for my party tomorrow night, so I don't have time to pick on you.
No problem I'll pick on myself.
Thanks, man.
Front wedgie! Aah! I smell my butt! Last time I heard that, I was holding a finger under the fat Kardashian's nose.
Roger? Name's Josh Bycel.
Transfer student from the poor part of Santa Barb ara.
I'm here to make you cool.
What do you know about being cool? Yo, Bycel! What up, Berland? Tell your sister I'm gonna put a baby in her.
Put one in me.
You wish.
So, what do you say, Steve, you want to be cool? Oh, I don't know.
Would the guys at REI rather be camping right now? Yeah, I want to be cool.
But that big dream is not for little Steve Smith.
Hey, sweet bird, look at me.
I will make you cool.
You really think you can, Roger? I know it.
Hey, this feels good.
Do you like it? Don't tell anyone.
You'll get in trouble, too.
Gotcha! Oh, that is terrific! What the hell are you doing?! Surprising you, like you wanted.
I was talking about a romantic surprise.
Like flowers or a nice dinner out.
Oh, boy.
I misunderstood.
Don't feel bad that you didn't explain yourself as well as you should have.
Giving me a heart attack.
Almost broke my damn neck.
I'm really sorry.
Now I know.
I'll make it up to you, I promise.
And that's a skier's promise.
Your undies are on the lamp.
Oh, no, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, those-those are mine.
Okay, the easiest way to be cool: be the guy with the big kielbasa.
Size 14 high-tops and a thick, spicy one.
Slip these on, and I'll slip this in.
Mm! Look at that bulge.
Mm! Best part of waking up is Bulgers in your cup.
Mm! Now, go wag that mama all over school, cool guy.
Easy, boy.
All right, new plan.
You're gonna be the tough guy.
Now, you're one of the biggest wimps in school, so you have to find somebody even wimpier and just kick their ass.
Oh, hi, Steve.
How are Yeah! What? It's Steve's hallway! That guy hit the super smart Indian girl who skipped several grades! How could he hit a girl? That's messed up.
No way.
That girl's nice to everyone! Hey! What's going on out here? This guy hit Reshma.
Hi yah! Yeah.
Didn't think I had to specify that you should kick a boy's ass.
Don't apologize to me; apologize to Reshma.
Bitch is hysterical.
Thanks for trying, Roger.
I'm just not meant to be cool.
I'm gonna turn in.
I got to be at the farm at sunrise.
Roger, just admit defeat and pay me my dollar.
I want to go to Old Navy and buy two pullovers.
Not so fast.
I have one last foolproof idea.
Steve'll be the first kid in his class to drive.
He can't drive a car he's only 14.
Know the rules of the planet, dipstick.
Guess who, dick? So, I read the DMV manual.
The fish is right you are too young to drive a car.
But there is something a 14-year-old can drive.
What up, bitches.
Unless you're a ho, close your mouth.
That's right, I got my farming license, son.
First freshman to drive.
Look at Steve Smith, huh? Driving a tractor is so lame.
Bycel, what are you doing up there with the farmer's daughter? Uh well I couldn't hit him from down there.
What the hell? Sorry, can't ruin my rep.
Don't worry, I'll make it up to you right now.
Huh? Hurts less this time, doesn't it? Steve.
There you are.
Where did you take the tractor? I took it for a joyride, but there wasn't much joy.
That's beautiful.
Looks like we got some freezing rain moving in.
Crop won't survive the night.
Then let's bring this cabbage in.
Now, hold on.
Let me check, make sure it's ripe and ready.
You guys ready? So close.
Two, three hours, tops.
But you got to leave us alone; you're stressing everybody out.
Now, this is what I'm talkin' 'bout.
My man love me.
Oh, my God.
I got you twice.
I can't believe you did that again.
Had to.
By pretending I understood what kind of surprise you wanted, I totally threw you off.
Made you think I was gonna do something romantic, then boom.
How could you? Aw, baby, come on, no, no, don't don't don't ruin this for me.
Chung, I'm opening one of your dad's Petite Sirahs.
Just want to know if you're ready to admit defeat and pay me my buck? What-What's that echo? Are you in the bathroom? No, I'm in the subway.
Where do you think I am? I'm on the can.
You got my money or not? No, because I'm gonna win this bet.
Nice! Ah, that wasn't for you.
Hey, there's an even cooler party across town.
They've got pizza and two golden retrievers you can pet.
Let's get there.
Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, man, golden retrievers are so special.
Is anybody sober enough to drive? Nope! I'm good.
We'll take my Kawasaki.
I'll-I'll-I'll make 50 trips.
Grab-Grab onto my waist.
Kawasaki! Who's next? You're not okay to drive, bro.
Man, if we could find a way to get 50 wasted people safely across town, it'd be so cool.
That gives me an idea.
Someone order a designated driver? Super cool.
Let's get to the next party.
Steve Smith's the man.
You hear that Roger? I'm the man.
You did it.
No problem, buddy.
What a mild night.
Where'd she go? She usually starts dinner at 6:00.
Got you! How? You were I saw you.
Come on, it's funny.
Ooh, ah.
She got me.
She got me good.
Deuce! Deuce! Two times! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeah! Right on! Shut up! The only reason I'm able to drink irresponsibly is 'cause of our designated driver right here! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Hey! When these come in, they're all yours.
Oh, yeah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nice.
About how long do you think that'll take? I love how comfortable you are with me.
Ugh! He did it.
Steve, Snot Lonstein again.
Third message.
Hope you're well.
Listen, you're kind of us with this tractor thing, huh? So call me back, okay? So? He didn't pick up.
But I'm sure he'll bring the tractor back before the rain.
Looks like I'm in for a bad hair day.
Tractor boy Got you in my tractor beam.
Steve, what are you doing?! We're supposed to bring in the harvest.
Your popularity's too new.
Distance yourself now.
I'm sorry, do I know you? What? Yeah, Steve, it's me, Snot.
That beer went straight to your head.
Oh, brutal.
Tractor boy.
I guess it's me who doesn't know you.
Well, there's only two of us in the van, and I know it wasn't me.
Jeff, look out! A man! Dad, what are you doing in the middle of the street? It's the only safe place.
Your mother is everywhere.
Are you her? You're her.
Oh, Mr.
S Don't stand behind me.
Dad, you're going crazy.
You need to get some sleep.
I can't go back in the house.
I'm going to a hotel.
You never saw me.
Okay, calm down.
A little vapo rub will soothe me.
I am very hurt.
We have to stop this.
Truce? Truce.
Hello, I am David.
I am new to the neighborhood.
You've struck my garage, and I feel as though we are not going to get along.
Steve, tractor us to Taco King.
Sure thing, Chung.
You the man, Smith! Eh! I lost my lens.
Come on.
Let's go.
I've lost a prescription lens.
If everybody could just link arms, we can do an Amish sweep.
Oh, no! Sorry, everybody.
I can't drive without this lens.
Not cool.
To think, this summer, we were going to become such good friends, I was going to tell you my darkest secret.
Something so shocking and personal that it would have bonded us forever.
To find out Vince's secret, log onto: Snot! But h-how do you have? We made a deal in the fourth grade, remember? I always carry a spare lens for you, and you always carry a spare inhaler for me.
You have it, right? Yeah, of course I do.
Snot, why'd you come back? I was so horrible to you.
Because friendship is like a crop.
There are good times and bad times, fertile and frost, but you always have to see it through.
Even though I hate you right now, you're still my friend.
Snot, I'm sorry.
How can I ever make this up to you? You can do what any good friend would do help my Jewish farmer uncle harvest his talking cabbage crop in time to make the coleslaw for the Yom Kippur break fast.
Let's ride.
I am entering the house.
Remember our truce? Are you in the house? I am in the house.
I am standing in the kitchen.
I am going to enter the kitchen now.
I understand you are going to enter the kitchen now.
I'm here, Francine.
I see you.
Ugh, I'm sorry, honey.
It was stupid of me to think that scaring you was the kind of surprise our relationship needed.
Well, I kind of got caught up in it, too.
I think I finally understand what sort of surprise you're looking for.
Something little.
Chinese food? It's perfect, Stan.
Let's eat.
Did we do it, Stan? Did we scare her? We did it, little buddy.
We scared her good.
He's got really pretty eyes.
It's over.
Without the tractor, the harvest is as good as dead.
Like my kidneys.
I have pretty serious diabetes, Toshi.
Baruch Hashem.
The sum'bitch came back.
Steve! Steve! Sorry I'm late, everyone.
I got caught in a cool front.
But it passed.
Well, I'm sure that's special what you just said, but we really got to bring in the harvest.
We're with ya! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Um Did you did you put any gas in it? Oh.
You didn't fill it up?! The tractor's dead! I'm ruined! You ruined me! Well, Snot's Uncle Solomon, the important thing is I learned something about friendship today.
No! That's not what's important at all! I'm gonna lose my farm.
I'm gonna be homeless.
Okay, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Out! Get out! Go on, git! I'm sorry about all that, Snot.
Hey, family comes and goes.
Kids you're in school with are forever.
Hevenu Shalom Aleichem Hevenu Shalom Aleichem Hevenu Shalom Aleichem Hevenu Shalom, Shalom, Shalom Aleichem.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.

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