American Dad s07e01 Episode Script

Hot Water

Well, hello there.
My name it's not important, but what is, is the next half hour.
You're going to see a cautionary tale that may greatly influence your next hot tub purchase.
Here we go.
(alarm clock beeping) (turns alarm off) Wait, Stan.
Maybe we could do a little, you know, morning grind.
Wish I had time, but you know how busy my days are.
Oh, you're being ridiculous.
It takes, like, two minutes.
Let me break down my day for you-- I'm up at 7:00.
From 7:00 to 7:08, I brush, shave, shower (farts) From 7:08 to 7:09, I frantically eat Grape-Nuts.
Then I have until 7:45 to take out the trash, mow the lawn, and feed Klaus his omelet.
drive Steve to school and pick up Roger's dry cleaning.
park, coffee, desk.
9:11 to 9:12, think about 9/11.
FRANCINE: I get it, Stan, you're busy.
Great, the time we've spent talking about this has put me off schedule.
Now I'll have to shave in the car.
Steve, out! Aw, damn it! Asian! This is not my fault, Stan, I was texting.
(phone chimes) (whining): Dad, I'm going to be late.
Look, I-I-I don't have time for this.
I have to get this kid to soccer practice and then-- aah! Back problems, huh? Come on, I'm gonna get you fixed up.
Well, I guess it's up to me to get to soccer practice.
(tires screeching) (crashing) What are we doing here? You need to loosen up that back, and nothing can get you looser than a hot 'cuzzi.
Look at me, I'm all loosey-goosey.
(gargling) It's all thanks to my hot tub.
Margaritte, set this man up with some jets.
Hi, I'm Margaritte.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm not really a hot tub guy.
I have a family.
Okay, first of all, you need to let go of any preconceived notions you have about tubs.
We have a wide selection of tubs and can find the tub that is right for you.
Look at this tub.
This is a family tub, DVD player put The Princess and the Frog on there.
It's a good movie, man.
A lot of people ain't see it because they weren't ready to accept a black princess, and that's what I'm talking about, man, being open-minded.
Just be free and see what's around you.
Find your tub.
Well That is not for you.
That is a used tub from the '70s, a single man's tub designed for a party lifestyle.
It's like it called to me.
Come on, Stan, that is a used hot tub.
That's gross, man.
This is an anything-goes tub.
Please, man, you got a family.
This tub ain't for you.
I'll take it.
Oh, Stan, I can't believe we have a hot tub! Let's have a dip before I pick up the kids.
I'm gonna take a quick deuce and then put on your favorite bikini.
This was a stupid impulse buy.
When am I even gonna have time for this? Dip a toe.
Wha-- who said that? Ain't nobody got to know.
Just dip a toe.
Wait, you can talk? I can do a whole lot more than talk, baby.
Yeah, don't worry so much Just give the water a touch Nobody has to know And if the time is right, just let your mind ignite Nobody has to know that you dipped a toe Dip-Dip-Dip-Dip-Dipped a toe Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, God.
Dip-Dip-Dip-Dip-Dipped a toe Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, yes.
No reason to hide Get all the way inside Oh, God.
I'm gonna take you for a ride.
Oh, fun (toilet flushes) Wazzup? Stan, do we have time for this? Shh.
All that matters right now is that we take our time and do this right.
(moaning) (gasps) (moans) That old hot tub loosened Stan right on up.
Now he's got lady foot in his mouth.
That's cool.
That was the best sex I ever had with you.
That hot tub-- whoo! Oh, you have to try it.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hit the jets and watch us blast off.
There's something goin' on beneath the water People gettin' hot Makin' sons and daughters It's just you and me and L-U-V In the T-U-B Hot tub of love Bubbles in the tub, bubbles in the glass Fig in your mouth and my finger in your Bass! We're making love tonight Making intercontinental love tonight Are we above Egypt? STAN: That's Mount Rushmore.
Givin' you a hickey over the Mighty Mississippi Suckin' on your toe over downtown Tokyo We're doin' this dance over Paris, France Chuck Berry me over Germany We're going all the way 'Cause it's not a race We can take it slow Into outer space It's just you and me Three Hot tub two, one.
Of love We have lift off.
Oh, yeah, 'cause we can take our time Don't have to wait in line This hot tub's in the V.
Tonight Give me the address to the ocean I'm 'bout to write it a letter You may be the ocean But I'm hotter and wetter Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Dad, hey! Hello, you didn't pick me up! I sat outside school like an idiot for over four hours! Then I walked home like a, like an animal! Do you even care? I mean, did you even pick Roger up from soccer practice? (crickets chirping) Stan, the hot tub is great, but you need to take Steve to school.
But I'm only halfway through my soak.
Gee, Dad, I'd love to get in the hot tub, too, but I can't because I'm pretty sure my parents (bleep) in it last night.
(sighs) Well, damn, man, you all tight again.
Yeah, I don't want to go to work.
Hey, we should have a party.
No can do.
Okay, okay, okay, I hear you.
But what if we did? (laughing) Ow, baby, yeah! Man, I got to tell you, I was wrong about this tub.
It is so deluxe.
It seems more advanced than a modern-day tub, which is strange.
Great party, Stan.
I brought you some of this Spa Down.
Now, you'll need it after a party like this.
All the body oils you know what I mean it affects the chemistry of the water, so when the tub gets out of control, just use some of this Spa Down to calm it down.
FRANCINE: What the hell?! Get out, all of you! Who were those women, Papa? Steve, go inside.
Stan, ever since you got this hot tub, you've been acting different.
You are taking a break from this tub.
(sighs) Fine.
(water swirling) (meowing) Come on, babe, you still mad? Yes.
Stan, we can't just do whatever we want.
We're parents.
You don't think that every single day of my life I want to do coke? But I can't because I have PTA tomorrow.
And you need to clean the garage, Do the bills, do the gutters.
The car needs an oil change, You have to look at that busted sprinkler head, you need to help Steve with his homework, move that wood pile out back.
Stan! Are you listening to me? Yeah, yeah, of course, I'll, I'll do all of that in the morning.
Okay, good.
Good night.
HOT TUB: Oh, Stan.
Ah I think I figured out the root to all your problems.
It's that family of yours they are stressing you out.
Totes, but it's my family.
W-What am I supposed to do? Do whatever you like, do whatever you like Shh, keep your voice down a bit.
Do whatever you like, do whatever you like If the bubbles feel good Hop on in and let me take you away I can only soak a minute.
I can't stay longer than that.
Well, this is your life Stick a finger in my jet, it's not gay Upstairs is Franc-agne, downstairs is champagne These bubbles go straight to my head.
Do whatever you like Do whatever you like I don't know, I have a family, but I do like to do whatever I like.
What time is it? Damn.
Why is it so hot in here? (groans) I must be dreamin' This room seems to be steamin' Wait, wait, hold up, hold up.
(water gurgling) Is that a bubbly sound I'm hearin'? There's water everywhere and I'm freakin', straight tweakin' Where is my man? He best not be creepin'.
Stan! It's not what it looks like! Get out of that tub right now! HOT TUB: Don't listen to her, listen to me You got to hit the tub if you wanna be free I'm your wife, listen what I say Out of that tub or no bootay What should I do? I don't know I can't get out 'cause it is too cold Frustration versus relaxation, uh-huh I feel so conflicted, but this is up to me On one hand, there's the hot tub The other's family So what's it gonna be?! Choose, Stan.
Your family or this hot tub? (water bubbling) (engine starting, tires squealing) Man, I'm so relaxed.
HOT TUB: Yeah, now this feels right, just a bachelor and his tub! Hey, yo, man, let me get another one of them figs.
That was the last one.
I should probably go to the store.
I'll just take another day off work.
I don't do jack there anyway.
(crackling thunder) Thanks for letting us stay here, Mah Mah.
Oh, baby, is it another woman? No.
It's a hot tub.
When are we going home, big bro? Been three hours since I saw you walk away from me (echoing): Me I didn't know the way And I didn't have the words to speak (echoing): Speak, speak All I knew was Daddy's gone (echoing): Gone And we're not going home ever again We're never gonna find another father like you No, we won't, no, we won't, no, we won't (echoing): Oh, Daddy (echoing): We're crying This is because of you! I see you in my dreams at night Whatever did I do? And every day I'm wanting more Something just ain't right With all my might It wasn't 'cause of me I'm trying to call out I think it's 'cause Of you To you (echoing): You, you, you, you (echoing): Daddy! BOTH: Daddy's gone And we're not going home Ever again.
(entrance bells tinkling) Hey, sorry, man.
We closed.
I'm only here after hours because I'm doing some research, trying to track down the maker of this used hot tub I sold.
Because so many things about it are seeming strange.
(techno beat playing) Doing research MAN (with deep voice): I'm doing research.
So much freaking research So much freaking research.
Looking through old books and old documents So much material out there.
Relevant That's relevant.
Irrelevant Totally irrelevant.
Super irrelevant Whoa, whoa, what was that? Back to being relevant.
(touch tones sounding) (phone ringing, beep) Hey, it's Lewis! I can never find the damn phone! (beep) MARGARITTE: Lewis, it's the hot tub! I did some research, man.
It used to have a stripper pole in it! They banned it because some tubs, when they get struck by lightning, they come alive! b is alive, and it escaped from a mental institution and did some rapes.
(beep) What are you saying, Margaritte? I'm saying the hot tub is a murderer! (tires squealing) Stan? Stan?! Hey, Stan, present yourself! I'm scared for you! I have a hot tub.
The hot tub-- it's not out bac! It's in the house.
(whispering): Lewis, we need to drain it.
Hey, boys, y'all come to party? (yells) It is alive! HOT TUB: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
(high-pitched whirring, Lewis yells) Oh, hell, no! I survived too much craziness to go out like this! (gasping) (yelling) (beep) (yelling) Oh, my calves are getting tired! My calves! (whoosh) (tires squealing) Okay, I'm not gonna die.
I'm not gonna die! Aahh! (tires squealing) (tires squeak) (whoosh) Fun party, right? I think me and Susan are gonna slip into something a little more diaphragmy.
I'm not so sure I can go through with this.
I like to party, but I'm still a married man.
Man, forget Francine.
You got two insecure, emotionally damaged girls here who are half your age.
This is the dream! (phone ringing) Hello.
No! She no talk to you.
What do you want? STAN: I was a fool.
I miss you.
Come home, Francine.
Oh, Stan! (tires squealing) (tires squeak) (doorbell ringing) What you doing here? What? You call her.
I didn't call (gasps) Hot tub! (evil cackling) Francine! Stan? Ooh, woo, woo, woo.
Stan, are you in here? Where's Stan? (engine revving, tires squealing) Well, well, if it isn't Francine.
Why don't you get in the tub? Who said that? Me, baby.
Come on, get in the tub.
What are you? I said you know you wanna get in the tub Absolutely not.
Yeah Come on, I got a rotating jet with your ass's name on it.
I'm not gonna do it, so just leave me alone, okay? What's wrong, Francine? What have you done with my husband? (evil cackling) You'd better get in this tub, Francine.
No, I will not! Get over here! (screaming) (glass breaking) Give me back my wife! I thought getting your family out of here was enough, but they're still on your mind.
So I got to get them off this Earth! Oh, damn! Stan! No! Why are you doing this?! That family was gonna take you away from me just like before! What are you talking about?! - Well, I was custom-made for Joe Nakash - What?! Joe was the founder of Jordache jeans.
He was a serious bachelor, man.
We threw wild parties, had incredible times until Joe met a girl.
They had a family and started using me less and less.
Eventually, not at all.
And that's what happens to hot tubs when you have families.
They don't get used as much.
So, I killed Joe's family.
Are you crazy? Of course people choose families over hot tubs! You know what? You can be with your wife again.
Because you'll both be dead! (yelling) Once again back, it's the hot tub With a thirst for blood and I don't need you, Stan Don't wanna be my wingman? Fine, I'll just carry out My evil plan, I got a house and a phone I'ma call some freaks that I don't know too well Don't wanna partake with me, you and your wife Can both go to hell, I'm a psychotic JETS: Psychotic! Hot tub Hot tub I got it I got it Locked up Locked up Yo mind, body Mind, body And yo soul I'm in control, don't get crazy I'm lettin' them bubbles pop, what?! HOT TUB: Bye, Stan! When the tub gets out of control, just use some of this Spa Down to calm it down.
(coughing) Well, there you have it.
That's our story.
Stan's dead.
Good night!
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