American Dad s07e03 Episode Script

A Ward Show

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! This is Principal Lewis.
I need Steve Smith to come to my office at once.
Steve, we said we were gonna be good this year.
We're co-presidents of the Good Boy Club.
Did that kiss oath mean nothing? Hall pass, please? Sure.
I got it right here.
Oh, dear.
I'll handle this, Jared.
Wha-bam! That was pretty hilarious, buddy.
I swear, it's like they're dating now.
They don't pay me enough to give a damn about that.
Here's the account info I was telling you about.
My credit's a mess.
I'm in overdraft hell, and now the bank's telling me my debit card Bri, Bri.
I got it.
Clara, could you make me a nice hot chocolate? Clara, did you you roll your god-dang eyes at him? Woman, I will make you teach summer school.
I will steal your summer.
First, we move you to a credit union.
Better interest rates.
Ech! That's how you lose a summer, bitch.
What's that sound? It's the calendar on my smartphone Having fun tonight Is it dinner, a party, or drinks with Tom? Oh,! It's "Coffee with the Principal" at Steve's school.
Oh, God.
We've gone to a million of those.
Why don't I go in your place? Oh, thanks, Roger, but you have to be a parent to go to these things.
Or a legal guardian.
All you'd have to do is sign a few papers and la-la, I'm responsible for Steve.
Roger, couple things.
I think you meant to say "viola," instead of "la-la.
" I did.
And we'd be terrible parents if we gave you any authority over Steve.
Hey, I'm a great caregiver.
I promise, if you make me his guardian, I won't let you down.
How are we supposed to believe that? Behold.
Roger Smith, caregiver.
Here's me burping a baby.
Here's me cultivating a garden.
Here's me shaving a homeless.
Shaved him clean, bow to stern.
Smooth as a dolphin.
And take a look at the satisfaction survey Klaus filled out after I took care of him the week you all went to Michael Jackson's funeral.
Hee-hee! You'll notice Klaus rated me a five in every category.
I wrestled with that questionnaire for days.
At one point, I convinced myself Roger's performance in "courtesy" merited a four.
As the pen hit the paper, I knew instantly, I was a liar.
I quickly circled the five, but that slight mark remains.
And it torments me every day of my life! Whoa.
See, I don't have children of my own.
It's hole in my heart I desperately yearn to fill.
Making me Steve's guardian would be the greatest gift you guys could ever give me.
I guess we could let him do "Coffee with the Principal" just as a trial run, and if that doesn't work out, we yank his privileges.
You just got me seriously horny.
Okay, Roger, we'll make you Steve's legal guardian.
Really? Oh, my God! Thank you! Whoa, watch out.
Was that a No.
Go on.
Go take care of that.
I got this one.
Hey, bud.
You hear the great news? What? You folks made me your legal guardian.
I'm going to "Coffee with the Principal" in their place.
Say hi to Brian for me.
You mean Principal Brian Lewis? Yeah, me and him are amigos.
I'm texting his ass now.
Colorful language.
Phfft! Shut up, Roger.
I'll see you later.
I'll be home after your bedtime.
Pancakes tomorrow sound good? Whatever, douche.
Shut the door.
Of course.
Sleep tight.
Gay! Welcome.
Tonight you'll be learning about your child's scholastic routine.
Any questions are always welcome.
If you're just here to tell me I'm doing a great job, that's fine, too.
I have a question.
Roger Smith.
Legal guardian for Steve Smith.
Principal Lewis, I've noticed that my Steve has not been doing well on the state-wide tests.
Why would that be? Well, some children aren't good test-takers.
Steven's a genius! Maybe, instead of a new football stadium, you could have put that money toward your students.
He's getting it good.
Oh, damn.
Um, who are you? I know who you are.
Principal Library Book, because you're obviously checked out! Ooh! Brian just called me! He said you were a jerk during "Coffee with the Principal"! Look, me and him He and I We have a good thing going at that school.
Don't mess it up.
Mess it I'm trying to help you.
I stopped by your classes and got your homework for next week.
Why don't you get a jump on it? I'm going to bed, Roger.
I'm tired.
Not anymore, you're not.
That'll keep you wired for a couple hours.
What is that? For you, it's a study aide.
I use it to go dancing.
Well, look who's up before noon.
Just wanted to make a little lunch for Steve.
That was thoughtful.
How was "Coffee with the Principal"? He made a scene! He told Principal Lewis I should be getting better grades, then he went to my classes, got a week's worth of homework, and made me study till midnight.
That sounds fantastic.
Here, take your lunch.
No time to dilly.
The bus is running three minutes early.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Roger really seems to be on top of things.
There's a school bus? I'm surprised how good he is with Steve.
Oh, man.
Do you know what this means? If Roger can take care of Steve, we can finally go on that kids-free vacation we've been talking about the last ten years.
You mean, the dream vacation? Five days and four nights at Flash Flood Acres! The largest water park in the universe! Dan, where are the kids? How many beers have you had? Just one.
But it was the largest beer in the universe! Hey.
I want to apologize for my legal guardian.
I had a talk with him.
He won't bother you again.
He's a funny little guy, isn't he? Made me really nervous.
Hey, could you turn it to channel four? They're dog a Galactica marathon.
Principal Lewis, we're watching something.
I'm going to hatchet you, Bob Crawley! It-It's cool, Brian.
Oh, my bank again.
Don't worry about e bank.
I just have one last set of forms to file, and when that's done, you're golden.
Everybody, freeze.
Registered legal guardian, Commonwealth of Virginia.
Oh, damn it.
Toss your weed.
Superintendent? It's come to my attention you've been letting one of your students skip classes, miss tests, and hang out in the teachers' lounge.
I'm sorry, Brian, this is bad.
I hate to say it, but You're fired! Is that what you intended to say, superintendent? That's what I super-intended to say.
Yay! Is that too much air? You want some radio? I just want what's best for you, Steve.
You've got a funny way of showing it! Geez, you scared me.
You said nothing for so long, and then you yelled.
I can't believe you got one of my best friends fired! Friends?! He's using you.
I will not let him ruin your education.
BRIAN: So, that was weird today.
We'll get your job back.
And-And don't worry about the bank.
I got your forms right here.
Oh, no you don't.
Roger! Lewis, this is Roger Smith.
I need you to stop calling my boy.
What are you doing? Steve, your relationship with him is inappropriate.
He-He could be a sexual predator who wants to make you his next victim.
It happened to me once.
The guy was a monster.
He just wrote something really funny on my Facebook wall.
That's how he gets me.
He's witty.
It's Alan Rickman.
Uh, no.
Oh, no.
Brian, I'm throwing your ass out for not paying rent.
Look, I'm going to pay.
I've got one of my students working on my finances.
A student? Well, a former student.
I've just been fired.
You lost your job and you've got a teenager handling your money? Yes, but it's not that much money.
Oh Checkmate.
Where's your butt buddy now? Here, let me get you some hot chocolate.
Keep it down! There's a Galactica marathon on.
Keep it down.
Keep it down.
Keep it down.
Keep it down.
Keep it down.
I'm not saying anything! I can't believe we get a whole week here withouthe kids.
This is why I had children, so one day, I wouldn't have to be around them.
Is that it? We've done everything on the map twice.
But this is the biggest water park in the world.
We can't be done already.
Let's see- 50 slides, each about a minute long; we didn't wait in any lines; we ran everywhere- yeah, less than two hours.
Damn it.
All right, well we could use this orange key to check on our sneakers.
Roger? He's home.
Just making your after-school snack.
Thought you might like some No! No! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Roger- My baby! What happened to you? Who did this? Who did this to my baby? The teachers.
They made a circle and they hit me.
Oh, God! I don't think I can go back to school.
Oh, Steve, you will never, ever have to worry about those teachers again.
See you later, guys.
Have a good one.
See you tomorrow.
Give me that fruit.
How much? Ten bucks to see it, No.
I meant for the oranges.
Not for sale, bitch.
All right, I'll see it.
What are you doing? Showing you my butt.
What? You thought those were ding-dong prices? Nah, nah, nah.
Brian, are you in there? Oh, no.
Don't ever run off like that! You scared me half to death! They evicted Brian.
That's what he deserves for messing with your education.
He was my friend.
I got you a new friend- Freddy.
He likes to drink milk and play games.
These are new shorts.
You're taller than me.
Freddy! Hi.
We would like a refund for eight day-passes.
We overestimated how long we'd want to be here.
You have to talk to the manager.
He's not back till Thursday.
I'm sorry, sir.
I really wish there was something I could do.
This guy is the year.
Come on, Francine.
Let's take another run at Splash Canyon.
(tone ringing) Hello? Dad, you guys have to come home.
Roger got Principal Lewis fired, and now he's trying to make me hang out with this nerdy kid named Freddy.
Son, your mother and I are on vacation.
Steve, it's your mom.
Frankly, I'm glad Roger got Principal Lewis fired.
Your friendship with him was getting weird.
I wanted to say something about it, but I was scared you might tell me that you two were lovers.
Now stop complaining and go to sleep.
Should be bedtime back there.
Yay! Shut up! Yellow slide's for babies.
You're a baby.
Hey, bud, time for bed.
You want a leg rub till you fall asleep? No.
I just want you to go.
Oh, I get it.
You want to pleasure yourself.
Ew! No "ew.
" It's natural, honey.
Shameful and natural.
Just get out! Good night, you Prince of New England.
You Tom's of Maine.
You want a bedtime song? I'm never gonna let you go I'm gonna hold you in my arms forever Gonna try to make up for the times I hurt you so Good-bye, room.
Gonna hold your body close to mine From this day on, we're gonna be together I'll need these on the road.
God willing, I'll have enough time to slide them on my attackers.
Oh, I swear this time I'm never gonna let you go.
Brian! I'll kill you, Debra! Oh, Steve.
Oh, thank God.
Thought you were Debra.
What are you doing out at this hour? My legal guardian was killing me.
I can't be in that house anymore.
It's all his fault you got evicted.
Oh, I'm past that, Steve.
I'm gonna hit the road, get out of town, eat some of these oranges.
It totally sucks here! Let me come with you.
Yeah, sure.
Get down! Lew-Lew! I ain't mad at you.
I just want to talk to you.
Oklahoma?! Wow! How long was I asleep? Steve, I'll be perfectly honest.
I thought you were awake this whole time.
I told you my life story.
Hell, I told you about my stepmom.
Thought you were in a stunned silence that somebody could do that to a child.
Man, I can't wait till we get to Wait- where are we going? The Grand Canyon.
Ooh, I'll have freedom out there.
No one making me eat healthy and tickling my back even when I don't want it.
That's not right.
Now, a grown black man and a young white boy driving cross country- that feels right.
Now that there- that is sick.
Y'all got a lot of nerve! This is a public road! Officer, he's not in the house, he's not answering his phone.
I'm his guardian.
If anything happens to him, I'm responsible Calm down? Calm down?! Okay.
He was exactly right.
That was good advice.
So, I was thinking about how we could make a living in Arizona.
I will be a dancer.
What are your skills, Brian? Oh, Steve.
We're not going to Arizona to live together.
We're going there to die together.
Uh pardon me? I've got nothing left to live for, Steve.
Which is why I'm driving us straight into thGrand Canyon.
Suicide, bitch! Canyon style! Tickets! Tickets! Extra tickets.
This place is totally screwing us.
Yeah, well, they're not the only ones who can do the screwing.
I beg your pardon? Their stupid water park screws us, we do the same thing to each other.
And we do it in there, on the biggest slide they got.
Of course that's what we do.
That's brilliant! Dan? Dan! Don't tell my wife where I am.
She's the biggest bitch in the universe! Freddy, I can't find Steve.
I haven't seen him since you introduced us.
This is all your fault, Frederick.
You were his approved friend.
You're supposed to watch out for him when I'm not around.
You're supposed to Don't do that, man.
Look, Steve left because you smother him.
I'm a good kid because my parents allow me the freedom to be myself.
Can you imagine how nervous they must have been when I said I was hanging out with you? I suppose I am a dangerous, aggressive stranger.
They let me make my own mistakes, but I know they're always there when I need them.
Damn it, Freddy, I've been a fool.
It's not enough to love your kid.
You have to love 'em the right way.
I know what I have to do.
I just hope I can find Steve in time.
Well, I'm glad that Be glad about that.
Okay, here's the plan.
You go down first and wait at the bottom in a ready position.
I'm gonna come down after you, and by the time I get to the bottom, I'll be ready to go.
I'll be there to receive you.
I'm coming in too hot! Move back! What?! Stan, slow down! Brian, I don't want to die in the Grand Canyon.
Please! I thought we were friends.
You thought I let you in the teacher's lounge because I like you? You were my accountant, Steve.
Roger was right.
Ah, and there she is.
Roger! You! How did you find us? It was simple.
When you love someone hard enough, you always know where they are.
That can't possibly be true.
Roger, thank God! I want to go home! I can't do that, Steve.
You see this gun I'm pointing at you? That's what I've been doing this whole week- holding you hostage.
Well, not anymore.
What?! No! Principal Lewis is gonna drive off the Grand Canyon! You'll be fine, Steve.
I came here to tell you, you'll be fine.
And I'll be supporting you all the way.
Shoot Principal Lewis now! I love you way too much for that.
See ya, sucker! Good-bye, bad credit! Oh, my God! I don't believe it.
Roger's love is keeping us aloft.
We're gonna make it.
So long, junk mail! Wait.
What? Steve, I'm so sorry.
I never meant for you to get hurt.
I'm a terrible legal guardian.
You are the worst legal guardian.
I'm sorry, too, Steve.
Surviving that crash made me reize, I'm on this earth for a reason- to shape young minds.
I'm gonna get my job back as principal, and this time, I'm gonna do everything right.
Time for your bath, Mr.
Lewis? Please.
Lewis was my father.
Call me Chocolate Dinosaur.
Dad! Mom! Steve! Roger! What the hell is going on? Well, it looks like you tried to slingshot yourself into Francine.
Didn't you, Stan? I came in too hot.
This is the worst day of my life.
Well, you're not getting your morphine back.
Roger, give it back! Don't be such a jerk! God, I'm sick of you! Come on! Give it! Freddy! Damn it, Roger, come on! Freddy.

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