American Dad s07e05 Episode Script

Virtual In-Stanity

Good morning, USA I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Read 'em and weep, ladies.
Just a second there, Dick.
I don't think you've met DJ, Michelle, Stephanie, Comet and Uncle Jesse! Full house! Race riots! Take it easy, Smith.
Dick's just blowing off steam.
Man, I'm always losing at poker! I need a beer.
That's his avatar, Black Dick.
I realize that name is a rich joke area, but curb yourself people; this isn't junior high.
Although Black Dick is huge and veiny.
What up, girl? Stan, where are you? It's Steve's birthday! - Uh - Get home before you miss it, like you have all his other birthdays.
Uhp, Black Dick, you're spewing foam.
And many more.
Got held up looking all over town for that pink novelty-sized rabbit my boy's been hassling me for.
No, you forgot to get Steve a present and grabbed the first thing you saw out of the CIA evidence room.
Stan, we just finally got Steve off the heroin from the last birthd present you gave him.
I got so high.
Okay, it's ready! What, uh, what-what exactly is going on? Every year on Steve's birthday, we watch home movies.
Rolling! Oh, my God, I'm not in a single one of these.
Oh, wait, I'm probably the one filming everything.
Who the hell is that? That's Fernando, the family cinematographer.
Do you like my new Arizona jeans? I I haven't been there for anything in Steve's life.
Yes, Stan, you neglected your son.
Everyone neglects things.
I've neglected these puppies.
They're shy around new people.
Good morning, kiddo.
Sorry again about missing your birthday.
What do you say I take you to a ballgame? Sorry, man, got other plans.
What's the problem? I'm trying to bond with him.
Well, you're too late.
Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ballgame with his dad.
All he's interested in is girls.
He doesn't want ballgames, he just wants to ball dames.
Huh? Huh? Ah! Ah! Aw.
A little help, dude.
My guns are juicing.
Don't think I can finish this set.
Carlos, I need a spot! Oh, Roger, it's magnificent.
Where did you get it? Oh, I got a great deal.
This limo company went out of bus Ah, you know damn well I stole it.
Let's go for a ride.
No, no, no, I'm gonna start a business.
It's always been a dream of mine to drive people slightly more privileged than myself to various locations.
And it is my dream to accompany people with slightly more specific dreams than mine.
Happy birthday, friendo.
Two tickets to the Ice Capades on Land? They twirl around with shoes on! Oh, that sounds like fun, Steve.
I'm free whatever night that is.
Oh, great.
You can have these, 'cause I don't want to go.
Class, this is Phyllis.
She just moved here from Hoboken.
I'd like you all to give her a warm welcome.
Now, I'm not referring to the sexual position, the warm welcome, of which I am the inventor.
The basic nature of the move is Oh, never mind.
Y'all ain't long enough.
You want to go out? W-What? Yeah.
I like your face.
We should go out tomorrow, get to know each other.
Tomorrow? Sure! I mean, just let me check my schedule.
You know what? I can move some stuff around.
Wow, I-I don't believe it.
This is too good to be real.
Of course this is real.
And this is really happening.
Because this is real.
Really, really real.
Smith, what did I say about fooling around with the avatars? I wasn't fooling around, sir.
This is serious.
My son wants nothing to do with me, and the only way to get close to him is to be an incredibly stacked teenage girl.
I totally understand.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some important business to attend to.
Another feeding? My, you have quite the appetite.
Okay, the bars are emptying out.
Time to get our first client ever.
Yeah! Ah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! Looks like you fine gentlemen are making memories tonight.
(Bleep) you! Aha, the jester.
Every group has one.
Come on, get in, you rascals.
Oh, my God! That was such a hot burp! Suck it up, Klaus.
This is a service industry.
Just be professional.
You guys are so crazy.
Oh, man, is that your bottom? Oh, you put it right next to my face.
That's so funny Oh, you farted, too.
You guys are so much fun.
Okay, guys, here we are.
And here's a memento for you at no extra charge.
So, will you be paying your $20 in cash or Hey! Can't catch me! Thanks for the ride, sucker! I can't believe it.
I treated them with nothing but respect and civility, and they want to stiff me? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? You don't mess with a man's dream.
Whoa! Dude, you killed him! One down, four to go.
You're really gonna kill five people over $20? Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over $19? Oh, yeah.
This is a lot of fun, right? I'm so glad we got to hang today.
Me, too.
Aw, thanks! Oh, uh, hey, you hungry? Oh, there was a paper doily under that, but I'm sure you'll figure that out later.
I had such an awesome time, Steve.
I can't believe how close we're getting.
I know one way we cod get closer.
Good night, kiddo.
It's been a blast.
Yeah, it was great.
Good night.
Hello? Finally you answer! I've been calling and calling.
I told you, Steve had a big date tonight and you should've been here to see him off! Oh, we were there.
Hello? Bitch, did you just hang up on You coming, Steve? Barry swallowed a whole roll of quarters.
We're gonna wait for them to pass and then hit up the arcade.
I don't trust the banks! You guys go without me.
I got some girl stuff I got to figure out.
Oh, women.
Let me tell you what I know about women, Steve.
If you buy a woman's shoe, in your size, it will not fit you.
So, Steve, uh, how are things going with Phyllis? You know, she's beautiful, but I think she just wants to be my buddy.
Maybe she's not the one for me.
Well, maybe the one for you has been right in front of your face this entire time.
Yeah? Who? There's a lot about me you don't ow.
I can't believe Tad's dead.
I can't believe I already banged his girlfriend.
I can't believe I watched.
Oh, you did a little more than watch.
- Yeah, man.
- Yeah.
Oh, no! Oh, my God, is that on the inside or the outside? Oh, it's on the outside.
What's gotten into you, Steve? Oh, Mother, it's the love bug, and I want to be sick forever.
This must be some girl.
Oh, she is.
I'm gonna ask her to the homecoming dance.
Homecoming! Oh, Steve! Does this little minx have a name? It's Chelsea.
Chelsea?! What happened to that other girl you were seeing, Phyllis? She was really enjoying her time with you.
Sure didn't seem like it.
She wouldn't even kiss me.
Nice girls don't kiss on the first date, Steve.
Your mom wouldn't kiss me until our third date.
It made the sex on the first two dates very impersonal.
Whoa, Kanye! What's with the big-time entrance? I'm about to ask Chelsea to the dance.
Thought I should arrive in style.
If you boys'll excuse me.
Hey, Steve.
Want to hang out? I got your favorite, meatball subs.
Look, Phyllis, I don't think it's gonna work out.
Don't say that! Why are you saying that? I'm sorry, I'm just I'm looking for something more than friendship.
Uh, if you go to the dance with me, I'll have sex with you.
Okay! This is sick, man! Are you really going to go through with this? I've already missed so much of Steve's life.
This way, I get to keep hanging out with him.
Plus, I get to be there for his biggest milestone ever: losing his virginity.
To you, you idiot! Have you even thought this through? Look, fathers take their sons to whorehouses to lose their virginity all the time.
This is almost just like that.
Except I will be locked in eye contact with my son while he plows my cyber soil.
Hey, Mom, can you teach me how to shave? Aah! I can't believe your father's not here.
I'm going down to the CIA to give him a piece of my mind.
They got run over, man! They're dead! We're next, I know it.
Bro, relax! Go splash some water on your face and pull yourself together, man.
We're gonna be fine.
Remember, we're Lanes AdAddiction.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, this is my ish! Come on, let's go get some privacy.
Uh, right now? What's the hurry? I'm sorry, I'm just excited.
I mean, this is gonna be the biggest moment of my life.
And I'm gonna finally be there for it.
Stan, this is the last time you put work before Steve! He's actually with Steve right now.
What? So Stan's at the dance? No, he's here, but he's remotely controlling a teen girl at the dance who's about to get sex-pummeled by your son.
What?! It's a lot like Avatar.
Like what? Avatar.
It's a movie? Okay, okay, so there's this guy in a wheelchair, and he goes to this alien planet to join a program So you pick a dragon and get to keep it forever? No, it picks you.
Wait! Stan's about to use an avatar's body to take Steve's virginity? Stan, get out of there! He can't hear you in there.
That's impenetrable glass.
You'll never get in.
Fine, I'll just go to the dance and kick the crap out of that girl he's controlling! Careful, Francine! These avatars have superhuman strength.
Let's make a baby.
Yeah, sexy talk.
Let me just go to the washroom, cut a couple anxiety farts and then come back here and go to town on your continental divide.
Okay, okay, stop freaking out.
You can do this.
Pictured it a million times in your head.
Oh! Oh, God! I just pictured it again! Oh, oh Get away from him, you bitch! I can't believe you'd do this, Stan! This stops now! Get out of here, Francine.
This is the only way I can remain close to Steve.
We were finally spending quality time together.
And then he was gonna dump me for that nerd, and I just won't lose him again! Must get plowed by son.
No, Stan, this isn't the way! You might've missed his first 14 years, but you can still be there for his next 14.
He's gonna die at 28? Maybe.
Maybe sooner.
Look, I know you want to be closer to Steve, but all you can do is be there for him.
Wha what happened? Steve, you're a terrific kid, but I'm not right for you.
Besides, there's a homely, kinky-haired beauty out there who'd just love to dance with you right now.
Snot wants to dance with me? Oh, wait, Chelsea, got it, got it, got it.
I'm gonna go get her back! Hey, Steve.
Yeah? Your dad, he loves you.
I'm sorry, are you? Have you been spending time with my dad? No! Is that where he's been? Is that why he's gone all the time? What? Are you are you banging my dad?! Hey! Whoa! Come on! Okay, good.
'Cause you could do better.
A lot better.
See ya! (Bleep) you, Steve.
Roger, you got your revenge.
Can we go home now? Roger! I'm sorry, I got the blood lust! Eventually I'll get bored with it.
Remember when I was super into Jiffy Pop? Had it all the time for a snack? Overdid it.
Then I started having a little Greek yogurt and berries at night.
That's all I need.
Hey, so what's happening with that girl? You still e-mailing with? You did the right thing, Stan.
I know, I'm just gonna miss being close with him.
Hey, honey, how'd the dance go? Ah, turns out Chelsea didn't like that I went to the dance with Phyllis.
She's got way more pride than her physical appearance would suggest.
There, there.
Anyway, I'm gonna go hit the sack.
Then probably go to bed.
Good night.
Thanks for listening, Dad.
Did you see that? I was there for him! I was there to help him through this terrible moment in his life.
But you caused that terrible moment! Yup.
Everything worked out for everybody in the end.
Is this your smallest condom? Nothing tinier? Would they shrink if I put them in the dryer? I don't know, man.
Ah, this is tough.
All right, I'll try 'em.

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