American Dad s07e13 Episode Script

Dr. Klaustus

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Oh, my.
What a cute beret.
Cute?! Puppies are cute! Reese Witherspoon before children was cute.
Ma'am, this hat symbolizes the Army's transition into a 21st-century fighting force with the power to slug it out and win campaigns decisively! It must be fun to play an Army guy.
Play?! Puppies play! Reese Witherspoon plays to her strengths when she takes on middle-of-the-road romantic comedies like Sweet Home Alabama! Ma'am, Sergeant Pepper serves his country in the Army Reserves, preserving freedom! No matter how dangerous it gets, no matter who I have to kill He's a coldhearted snake Look into his eyes Uh-oh He's been telling lies He's a lover boy at play Oh, I have to take this.
I love hanging out with your parents.
They were right about my colors.
I am an autumn.
Yeah, my folks are the best.
Hey, Dads.
Why are we pretending to be his parents again? Because neither one of us has anything left to say to each other.
You know what I'm talking about.
We're bored, and we've been bored for years.
I know.
Sorry I'm late.
I was in IKEA, and I couldn't figure out how to leave.
Every path led back to "Home Office.
" It's okay, Dr.
I've been feeling really guilty about Hold on.
Well, I've just been Oh, hang on.
There we go.
Penguin, I'm still hiding my new girlfriend from my mom and dad.
That's normal-- a teenager embarrassed of his parents.
It's more than that.
I've actually been pretending my neighbors, Greg and Terry, are my parents.
Yes, I know them.
I painted them.
My folks would be devastated if they knew the truth.
What should I do? Wow.
I am hungrier than I thought.
And you need to keep lying.
What?! Eventually, it'll become second nature and you'll stop feeling guilty.
Thanks, Dr.
I always feel safe here.
How many times have you been playing with yourself a day? Three.
We're going to up that to five.
You can take this prescription to any room in the house with Kleenex and have it filled.
Thanks, Doc.
I can't believe the family comes to you for therapy.
People shouldn't ignore their emotions and avoid their problems.
What do you know? You're just a stupid fish.
I am a man in a fish's body.
I studied psychology at Frankfurt University! If they came to me with their problems, I could actually help them, not to mention get the respect I deserve in this family! Snow globe! No! Nooooooo! I've got a couple more hours here at the office, honey, but I'll definitely be home for dinner.
Babe, I got to go.
Somebody just dropped a bunch of work on my desk.
What? I eat here every day before I go home because I can't stand my wife's cooking.
What, you never lie to your wife? Sir, I'm a woman.
Uh, of course you are.
I should have noticed.
You're clearly pregnant.
No, I'm not.
Of course you're not.
You're far too old to be pregnant.
I'm 23.
Well, I would apologize to you if you didn't look like a fat old man.
It doesn't mean I love her any less.
It's just her food, right? Of course.
What's important here is to avoid the truth at all costs.
I've always said, "What's important here is to avoid the truth at all costs.
" Jeff, we're ready for you.
Whenever Hayley wants to have sex, I have to think about Francine.
It's the only way I can get excited.
Jeff, do you have belly hair? What? We'll circle back, Jeff.
My advice to you is to stop worrying about it.
What?! It's natural to think about Francine when you're sleeping with Hayley.
No! That's terrible advice! What people don't know can't hurt them.
Oh, you're so wise, Dr.
No! Listen to me! Relationships are much stronger when they are based on truth and honesty.
Punch a fish, make a wish.
Can Cost Plus make something that doesn't smell funny and break two days later? So nice of you to have me to dinner.
I don't ordinarily dine with my patients.
I tend to suck on food erotically, and it makes people uncomfortable.
Lentils are ready.
Delicious! Mail came.
I'm going to eat after I do my miles.
Mmm! Mmm.
Who's Sergeant Pepper? Well, thank you for a lovely evening.
I see you didn't open the wine I brought, so I am taking it with me.
Just drinking a nice young Beaujolais with the boys.
Heard I got some mail.
I see.
It's happened.
I've been called on to serve.
What? Where? In Iraq.
Oh, no! It's all right, ma'am.
That's what all that training was for, I suppose.
Say your prayers, Iraqis, and I'll say mine.
Ow! I stepped on that glass! I stepped on that mother-lovin' glass! You're all sued when I get back! Wait.
Can I still see Dr.
Penguin? If Pepper's going to Iraq, I think it's pretty obvious that Dr.
Penguin will be staying with his Aunt Evelyn for a while.
You can't go to Iraq.
I'm still lying to Jeff about where I go when I say I'm jogging.
I need Dr.
Penguin to tell me it's fine.
No can do.
It's official.
Bye-bye, Dr.
Penguin! Dr.
Klaus is in the house.
Well, who else shall I send to Iraq? That jerk at the dry cleaners who lost my tie.
How could this happen? You're not even in the Reserves.
Don't worry.
I know a place where they'll never find me.
Shh Save your tears, maggots.
I'm off to Iraq to preserve your freedom.
Keep you in two-ply toilet paper and soy milk.
You pansies make me sick! Mmm.
Mmm, mmm.
Wait for me.
Good day to everyone.
I just wanted to say that I will be taking over Dr.
Penguin's practice while he's away.
You can't just put on glasses and pretend to be a doctor, Klaus.
The glasses are prescription, and I am not pretending.
Stop talking, fish.
I am not a fish.
I am a man in a fish's body.
Look, all of you have serious issues, and I can help you.
Now, I will have office hours in the attic from 9:00 to 5:00.
Or whenever.
Any time is good.
If you can't find me, check the pantry.
I go in there to eat baking chocolate and cry sometimes.
Can you help me, Klaus? Of course I can help you.
I can't find my phone.
Have you seen it? Ph-Phone?! But what about the lies you tell your husband? Oh, wait.
I left it in the kitchen.
You hear an IED blew a troop transport over on its side yesterday? Yes, Sergeant.
On the got-dang main road.
Till they get a Boomerang anti-sniper system on that son of a bitch, I'd rather drag ass through the streets on foot.
Uh, Sarge, the bot isn't working.
It stopped halfway to the target.
I'm suiting up.
But, sir, don't you think I don't think.
That's why I'm the perfect soldier.
And the perfect guy to watch movies with.
I don't poke holes.
I just enjoy the ride.
Give me some sizzle.
I'm going in on foot.
He is the ballsiest outhouse cleaner we got.
Let's do this.
Oh, we got a meat clog, Private.
Up the suction.
No one showed up to my office hours, Charlie.
I I just can't get them to take me seriously.
Why, that's good advice, Charlie.
I'll I'll try that.
What? Now, that's strange.
Did you wait three days to cash it like I asked you? Because I have the money.
I have, like, way more money than that, even.
I don't have very much money.
Here we go.
No more Mr.
Nice Guy.
Hello, Stan.
What now? What now? Oh, nothing.
Just that Steve has a girlfriend he hasn't introduced you to.
What? He doesn't have a girlfriend.
He does.
He's so embarrassed of you and Francine that he's pretending Greg and Terry are his parents.
Look, there they are now, acting out Rocky Horror.
Francine, get in here.
What happened? Did I win? Steve is pretending that Greg and Terry are his parents! What? That little son of a b's got a girlfriend and he's hiding us from her because he's embarrassed.
You should talk to a professional.
Now, my office hours are 9:00 to-- That four-eyed bastard! That malnourished, pasty geek! I knew I should've aborted him.
Goodness! How you doing in there, Sarge? It's 110 in here and I'm on the wrong end of a falafel plate, that's how I'm doing.
Damn it! The Shnozzle attachment fell in.
I don't like this, it's too quiet.
Get outta there, Sarge.
Just need a few more seconds Oh.
Sarge, don't go in! It's not worth it! We got a native inbound! Come on! Get outta there.
Oh, man! Oh, man! Maybe he's just going number one.
He's got a magazine! Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
We know you have a girlfriend! Me?! A girlfriend?! Isn't that a little far fetched? It is a little far fetched You just saw her, Stan! I just saw her, Steve! Klaus, what the hell?! What the hell, you! Tell them how you feel, Steve.
I feel like I can't bring anyone around here 'cause Dad's a lunatic! And if he doesn't drive 'em away, Mom's food will probably kill them! How dare you! I'm a great cook! Yes! The best! So much! Come on, Stan, it's your turn to be honest.
Leaving work at the pre-eating What's he talking about? Sometimes I'll have a snack before dinner Your cooking goes here! He hasn't eaten a meal of yours in ten years! Some of these wolves are fourth generation! Inbred dinner wolves! This is what I'm talking about! Embarrassing! Stan, you have some nerve! Francine.
The "emergency fund?" Wait, wait, wait, what's the emergency fund? So I take $50 from your wallet every week.
For Drugs.
What?! Drugs.
Drugs, okay? Jeff and Hayley, come in.
We're undoing years of damage caused by Dr.
Come on, Jeff, out with it.
No way.
I'll start you off and you finish.
Hayley, Jeff can only have sex with you if if he's thinking about your mother.
Oops, I said the whole thing.
That's sick! Hayley, you should be honest about what you really do when you go "jogging.
" You shut your mouth.
She's playing Ultimate Frisbee without you.
Noooo! Why, Hayley?! Why?! Because this is you throwing.
" And this is you catching.
"Ahh!" That's wonderful mime work! I guess you're just good at everything! Jeff, wait! Now that the truth is out, we need to discuss ways for you and Hayley to regain intimacy! Yeah, Jeff, come back.
I came out of your favorite place.
Maybe you can still smell it on me! I guess Jeff gets turned on by thieves, huh, Francine? Shut up, you pre-eating douche bag! Okay, guys, guys, if we do the work, we can get through this This is why I don't bring my girlfriend home! You know what they're doing at my two dads' house? Eating cheeses! From Europe! Sans crackers! That's right, I said a French word! I learned it over there! Au revoir, les enfants! That means you! Well, this feels like a natural stopping point.
Aah! Stop it, Stan! You destroyed my family! But if you would all just listen to me, I could fix it! The only one who can fix this is Dr.
Penguin! Ow, okay, fine! For some reason, Roger is the only therapist you'll listen to! I'll get him back! How the hell is a fish going to get an alien back from Iraq? Where's Sergeant Pepper? Are you in the Army? Are you in the dummy? Now where's Pepper? He's in the Rec Tent.
If you ever need some bitches, remember, White James.
You Sergeant Pepper? You the one who cleaned the toilet by the grotto? Uh, uh, yes, sir.
You're a wild man, you know that? He's a wild man, you know that? I wanna shake your hand.
Thank you, sir.
How many toilets have you cleaned? I'm not quite sure Sergeant, I asked you a question.
Eight hundred and seventy-three.
Eight hundred and seventy-three.
That has to be a record.
What's the best way to clean one of them stink holes? The way that you don't get turd in your hair, sir.
That's a good one.
Spoken like a wild man.
Sergeant Pepper.
You've been officially discharged.
Nothin' doin'.
I can't fit in with civilized society no more! When I go to bed at night, I see men hovering over me with their naked asses in my face.
I'm not ready to leave that.
Ugh, bring me up! Let me talk to him! But you have to come back! I ruined the family! They need Dr.
Penguin! Tough Titicacas.
What now, White James? You always think of something, Klaus.
Like when you convinced my parents to let me go to art school.
Good-bye, Sergeant Pepper.
What am I doing here?! This isn't a Chablis.
This isn't my aunt's place! Aunt Evelyn?! Aunt Evelyn! It's me, Rafael! Rafael Penguin! Good morning, Dr.
Ready to come home? Hold onto your wallets.
Thief's in the room.
If you even look at her, I'll pour this hot coffee down your pants, pervert.
Yeah, well, it'll be the first time you got me hot in a while, Frisbee whore.
Oh, look who it is.
The ungrateful son.
Leave me alone, embarrassing straight parents or I'll pee in your cereal! Oh, good, you're all here! I have a surprise for you! What's black and white and lives in Antarctica?! Halle Berry if she moves to Antarctica? No, but that's funny.
Very funny.
It's Dr.
Penguin! Dr.
Penguin! You're back! Oh, thank god! Help us! Don't worry, don't worry.
Klaus filled me in on the whole situation.
Here's what you all have to do.
Everybody go back to lying to each other.
That's not going to work.
The secrets are all out in the open.
We can't just forget them.
That's my only thing.
I can't help you.
I guess I'm done with Dr.
Okay, now we can deal with our problems the healthy way Suck it, fish! There! You hot and bothered now? Take that! That hot enough for you, Jeff? Whoa, oops! Time to catch up on current events.
Oh, I see Taye Diggs is still perfect looking.
That's comforting.
He's my constant.
My ebony North Star.
Ach! I give up! What was that? I wasn't listening.
See! That is the problem.
No one listens to me.
But now that their secrets are out, they have to work through them so they can heal! Wait, that actually makes sense.
Maybe because I was looking at US Weekly and not you.
I heard the words, but I didn't see them coming out of a stupid fish's mouth.
Say something else.
Why is there a hole in Daniel Craig's mouth? He was hungry and I was feeding him something.
Put down that magazine! I did it! That's the first time I've listened to you.
Maybe it's because it me from a man and not from a fish I have an idea! Listen up, maggots! You people have major issues.
You can't run from them all your lives.
You need to face your problems! But You, sack up and eat your wife's grub! And you missy, you take your emergency fund and sign up for a cooking class! And you, bring your girlfriend to dinner! Be grateful you have two parents who love you! And that you don't come from a broken home like Reese Witherspoon's kids.
Damn I love that girl! Plucky! And you, gussy up for your husband! Maybe some sort of bra?! And wash your hair.
Hippies are not sexy, they're dirty! Exactly! And you, if you're tossing it to your mother-in-law it damn well better be a Frisbee! Sir, yes, sir! Hey, no one is dismissed! Not until you thank this fish! These are all his ideas! I'm just an authoritative mouthpiece! Are these really all your ideas? Ja, they are.
Sorry we didn't listen to you.
Sometimes we forget you are a man in a fish's body.
Oh, it feels so good to finally be validated.
How can we ever thank you? Take your pick, Klaus.
Your family paid for a full quarter hour.
Eh I'll take the ugly one.
Time for Klaus to show how much of a man he really is.
I'm not very much of a man!
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