American Dad s08e08 Episode Script

Finger Lenting Good

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! You, you guys, Devon! Devon is retiring! Who the hell is Devon? Who the? He's our mailman.
The only man who's delivered mail to this house for my entire life.
His shorts were always the harbinger of summer! I could kill you right now.
Weren't you supposed to quit crying for New Year's? I'm sensitive! It's a desirable trait in some cultures.
In France, maybe Oh, my God! Move to France! Go.
The hell.
To France! Stan, you were supposed to give up yelling for New Year's.
But I love yelling! It feels good and it's good for you.
That's why Sam Kinison lived so long.
I swear to God, you two.
Uh, Mom? Weren't you supposed to give up smoking? Yeah, well, you were supposed to give up junk food.
Ah, it's okay, Mrs.
And you were supposed to give up hugs! Is it such a flaw that I want to hug everyone I see? If you're not a Special Olympian, then yes.
This family sucks.
We never do anything we say we're gonna do.
Just look at the popsicle stick White House we started six years ago.
Mmm, popsicles.
Hey, let's all quit our jobs and buy an ice cream truck.
Just drive around, making kids happy.
That's a great idea! We are totally doing this! I'm a kid! I'll Google it tomorrow.
See what a truck would cost.
Or maybe the next day.
Tomorrow's kind of busy.
Gosh, it sounds really complicated.
You know what? We tried.
Let's just forget it.
Yeah, I don't really care.
I don't know what we were thinking.
Yeah, good idea, not a good idea.
Mardi Gras, bitches! I'm having a party at my bar.
I got beads aplenty, so I want to see all your tatas! Except you, Hayley.
You have the worst boobs.
They're like 90% nips.
Like two dark castles with tiny little moats.
Mardi Gras.
That means Lent starts tomorrow! This is our chance to give up our vices again! What the hell is Lent? Lent is the period between Mardi Gras and Easter.
It's a time of prayer and introspection.
People give up things for the 40 days of Lent to get closer to God or remember Jesus' sacrifice.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no! No-no-no-no! I don't appreciate you tainting my booby holiday with God stuff.
Come on, guys.
What do you say? Let's give it another try for Lent.
No yelling.
No crying.
No junk food.
No hugs.
And I'll quit smoking.
And we'll really follow through this time.
I don't know.
Too hard.
Not into it.
I do what she says.
Okay, fine.
If you do this, I'll let everyone get pee-in-their-pants drunk at Roger's Mardi Gras.
Yeah! Let's get in line so we're the first ones there! Deputy Director Bullock? What are you doing here? Are you kidding me? I hear this is the best party of the year.
What the hell, Avery? You didn't save my place? I've been waiting with you for, like, three days.
When you went off to get your Frito Pie, I had time to think.
And my thought was I hate you.
Treme! Etouffée! Beignet! You're gay! Hooray! Hooray! Last chance to get our vices out.
Oh, I'm gonna miss crying so much.
Am I drunk? What's in this cake? Rum! It's also in this needle.
Another shot! The Prince of Mardi Gras demands it! I'm yelling! So do you and Greg plan to give up butt play for Lent? Um, we don't consider that a vice.
It's an act of love.
Ah, well, there's the difference then.
I'm giving it up for sure.
Oo-ho! I fell in love last night, Klaus.
Tell me everything No! Tell me the highlights.
It was magical.
She had breasts like I've never seen before.
We danced all night, but when midnight came, she ran off before I could get her name.
You were smashed, man.
You kept high-fiving that black guy.
He was not into it.
Klaus, this pastie It's hers She was wearing it! The most perfect bosom I've ever seen wore this pastie last night! I have to find the booby that fits this pastie so I can spend the rest of my life happily ever after with its owner.
Ooh, maybe she'll have a friend.
Yeah, and I'm sure she'll want to get with a fish.
Look, you got to start being more realistic, okay? Now grab your heralding trumpet and meet me in the pumpkin carriage.
I don't feel that hung over.
Guess I can handle my alcohol better than you guys.
Oh, yeah? Pubic hair and mayonnaise ice cream.
Hey! That guy that guy's gonna get a piece of my mind.
He's got glasses.
I'm gonna call him a nerd.
Gonna start with that Stan.
Remember, you're giving up yelling for Lent.
Look, we're doing this and we're all gonna stick with it this time, right, guys? Bleah! Whoa, look at that? Whoa American Dad cares.
Francine, maybe we'll all just give up making you happy for Lent.
Would that make you happy? Smiths! Good Lent to you! How are the sacrifices going? Yeah, it turns out we're gonna blow that off.
I'm afraid that wouldn't be in your best interest.
You made a deal with me last night to make sure I help you follow through.
Like you give a rat's ass what anyone does.
You've stolen babies and sold them to underground dinner clubs.
How dare you That was pillow talk! Oh, I'll admit it: I'm a degenerate.
I love drugs and drinking and gambling, and my moral compass always points south Yeah! But during Lent I repent and that makes up for the rest of the year.
This year my Lenten promise is making sure you keep your Lenten promises.
You all agreed.
You signed a contract.
What contract? Ah, yes, you were quite drunk.
I was afraid you may not remember, so I documented everything.
While this loads, did you guys ever think of this? Sylvester Stallone's name is Sylvester.
Habet Bullock cultro.
Si non sequitur meo per votum My man! Up top! My dog! ego Lenten anathema seseque digitum.
That contract you signed says I get to cut off a finger of the first person who cracks.
You're full of it.
You're not really going to cut off anyone's finger.
Ew, gross! Yes.
I started collecting when I was in Vietnam.
Two summers ago.
I was on a sex tour.
Did not get laid.
Had zero game.
Just kept cutting off fingers.
You want to cut off our fingers?! One finger.
The finger of the first person who doesn't keep their Lenten promise.
I hope it's the boy.
Why?! I envy your youth! Hey, hey, come on.
This a good thing.
This is our chance to finally follow through on something.
And now there are real consequences if someone slips up.
I've installed cameras all over your house to track your every move.
And not to worry, Francine.
There are no minicameras in your tampons, so all good to go there.
Make way for the Prince of Mardi Gras! My good man, I'm looking for the maiden who fits this pastie so I may maketh her my wife.
Uh-huh None of my girls wear anything like this.
But there is one stripper here who may be able to help you.
She's been in the business for decades.
Ooh, she's wise as ass.
Fair one.
It is rumored you know of all things stripper.
This is not the pastie of a stripper.
It's handmade.
This pastie belonged to a civilian.
Thank you, wise one.
A hay-penny for your troubles.
Plinko! Ah, nothing like a nice movie night to take our minds off Lent, huh, gang? Let's see what we got Oh, Lucas! Nope, that'll make me cry.
Field of Dreams.
No way.
Hits too close to home.
I was never close to my father.
Do you have to eat that junk food right in front of my face? I need it so I don't smoke.
Steve, please, kindly, please find a movie and stop flipping channels before I wring the last breath out of your very, very, very annoying body.
Thank you very much.
Ugh, I can't be near that popcorn.
Just get it out of my face! Well done, Hayley! Throw out the temptation.
Throw out the devil in all of you.
Bullock, sir! Please, let us off the hook.
I know it's difficult, young man.
Of course, if you'd rather I just take a finger from one of you, that will satisfy our contract.
Oh, and I was watching the shower cam.
Jeff, quick question: Why do you only shave your left goose egg? I'm doing it now too, and I want to know the reason why.
Okay, Mrs.
Simmons, if you'll step away from the mammogram machine, I have one more important test.
All right, sir, I said you could try three nipples and then you'd have to go.
But as long as I'm here Your breasts are full of spiders! Perfect! That's the way I like 'em.
Hey, how's Daddy's little trooper? This sucks, Dad.
I know, kiddo.
Listen, I get that this is hard for you, but you're such a sweet, good boy.
That's why I want you to let Bullock take your finger.
What?! You heard him-- as soon as he gets his finger, he'll leave, and we'll all be off the hook.
So just give up and let him have your finger.
For me.
For Papa.
Forget it, man.
Okay, we're at an impasse.
But someone in this house has to crack and give Bullock their finger because not being able to yell is giving me very tiny hard poops.
Babe, where's my hat? You're wearing it.
Of course, the moron! The moron.
I don't think I tell you enough how honored I am to have you in my family.
Really? I just wish there was some physical way I could express our familial closeness.
Oh, Mr.
I love you, Jeff Fischer.
Meet love halfway, Jeff.
Babe, no! You're in pre-hug! They're trying to sabotage you! Well, two can play at that game.
Obama has done amazing things with health care.
Soon our medical system will be as good as Canada's.
It's been seven hours and 15 days No! Since you took your love away The saddest song ever.
Dad, help! Hang on, son! I'm coming! I go out every night and sleep all day Traitor! Since you took your love away But nothing That's right, Steve.
Your father betrayed you.
I said nothing can take away these blues Hurts, don't it? Let it out, buddy.
Jeff, Steve's about to go down.
'Cause nothing compares Nothing compares 2 U Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! Can't hear, won't cry! Can't hear, won't cry! What the hell is going on in here?! They're trying to make me break.
What is wrong with you people? Lent is only 37 more days.
People are stressing me out, and I can't smoke, so I'm gonna go sit on the dryer and think about Stamos.
What are we gonna do, Dad? I don't think we can make it.
We'll be fine.
Besides, what's the worst that could happen? Hey gang, I'm ho ly moly! I just wanted us to be a good family.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I was blaming you.
Ha-ha! Gotcha! I don't understand.
Trickery! Steve's guts? A simple garden hose covered in hot sauce! What?! Why would you do that?! So you'd break, and we could end all this.
After all, it was you who dragged us into this in the first place.
Oh, did I miss a hot sauce and hose party? Francine! Are you smoking?! Looks like I'm cutting off your finger.
Just one finger from whoever cracked first.
That was the deal, right? Right-o! We're free! So good.
Stop flipping channels yesterday! So, Francine, which finger shall I take? This one.
Ooh, that is a hard burn on you, Smiths.
All right then, I'm off to the kitchen to set up the ceremony, and then we'll chop your pinky off in two shakes.
Francine, you're shaking like a leaf.
Do you not want to do this? It's okay.
I have a plan to get you out of here.
We're not gonna let Bullock cut off your finger.
Okay, huddle up.
Okay, here's the plan.
We peel out of the driveway, hit the freeway and head for the border.
But hold on, Francine.
Here comes Bullock.
Oh, man, he's in a Lamborghini.
Jeff, toss me the Uzi.
Oh, no, I forgot it.
You idiot! Then we'll have to lose him.
I'm gonna drive straight into the mall! Not through the puppy store! Stop! Stan, I'm not running away from this.
Mwa? We made a promise to Bullock, and for once in our lives, we're going to be a family that follows through.
I'm letting him take my finger.
I got to warn you guys.
I get real faint at the sight of blood.
What?! You?! No! Have you ever seen a sad prince, Klaus? Well, Prince Charles was pretty devastated when I'm the saddest prince there is because I cannot find my true love.
But hark! Upon what hopeful vision does my royal gaze fall? Klaus, my liege, it appears we may be nearing the end of our quest.
I can't stop thinking about those spiders in your boobies.
Good sir, 'tis I, the Prince of Mardi Gras.
Be there any fair maidens in this cottage? Why, yes, indeed.
I have three uniquely-breasted daughters, and they all went to your Mardi Gras ball.
The prince is here to see all the bosoms in the house! Oh! The prince! He's here! Father, Father, try my bitty first.
No, mine.
Try mine.
It'll fit me.
I just know it.
But the crest and the fairy tale cottage.
Are you sure there are not any other maidens in the house? Well, I do have a stepdaughter, but it couldn't possibly be her.
She was not permitted to go to the party.
She was busy doing chores.
Oh, my God, now I remember.
It's you! You're the girl of my dreams! I wish we could live inside this song forever.
I did it, daughters.
I married her off.
And to a prince, no less.
We're just gonna let that guy and his fish take our cow? Are you ready, Francine, to pay for your sins? I am.
Francine, you have broken your contract with God.
Your family was true to their word, so fully-fingered they shall remain.
Francine, you are weak.
You are a failure.
You are the very worst.
No! She's innocent! Take my finger instead.
No, I'm the worst! Take mine.
Take my whole hand! Take my hairy right goose egg! My God.
Smiths, what a heroic display.
A family coming together to save their matriarch.
This sacrifice is the true spirit of Lent.
I hereby absolve you from any further sacrifice.
Well, I get to keep my finger, but we broke another promise.
Francine, you were right.
We promised a finger, and for once, this family is following through.
Welp, down to seven fingers.
Oh, Stan, we did it! We finally don't suck.
I love you.
Let me tourniquet that, Mr.
And so, Smiths, you have truly seen the message of Lent, and that is, if you want to please God, give up something for 40 days, or cut off a finger, then go right back to drinking, cursing, pillaging, raping, and doing cocaine.
My work here is done! I built this in your house.

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