American Dad s08e16 Episode Script

The Boring Identity

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! How do you know if it's ripe? Why, you ask it.
Which of ye be ripe and ready? Over the hill and over the dell Hey, Francine! Brenda? Oh, my God, I haven't seen you in ten years.
Are you still 30? No, I'm 40 now.
And I'm getting married.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, I finally found a great guy.
He's so caring and sensitive.
I mean, I never would have had the patience to do what you did.
Oh? What's that? You remember.
You found that guy who was an embarrassing jerk and you were gonna fix him up.
How's that going, by the way? Oh, Stan? Meat slap! He was a little rough around the edges, but I smoothed him right out.
Well, why don't you and Mr.
Smooth come to my wedding next Saturday? Oh, uh, Stan usually coaches a team of inner-city youth cancer researchers.
Well, if anything changes and you guys can come, just let me know.
So, honey, my old friend Brenda invited us to her wedding, and I want us to go, but Where's my refill? I don't even see the waiter.
Probably out back with a busboy, smoking a big fat dookie.
Finally! I've been sitting here like a dry-throated bitch, you dook fiend.
Stan, the poor guy's just trying to do his job.
Well, he should do it better.
I do my job right.
I'm always taking care of business Oh, oh, no, Stan.
Please, please don't.
They get up every morning From the alarm clock's warning Take the 8:15 into the city There's a whistle up above And people pushin', people shovin' And the girls who always look pretty And I've been Takin' care of business Every day Takin' care of business, every way Wait, were you trying to tell me something? Yes, I want to bring you to this wedding, but Taking care of business And working overtime, work out! Ugh.
Hayley! They have a machine that lets you make your own soda.
They call it the Soda Squirter.
Can I have $60 so I can buy it? Of course! Or, or, just hear me out here I can give you zero dollars, and you can lick my log cutter.
If you want money, get a job.
How am I gonna do that? I may be able to help you, Steven.
Roger, what are you doing back there? I was on the phone with my friend Douglas.
He's trying to figure out what kind of car he should buy.
That doesn't explain why you were behind the water heater.
It doesn't? Um, so you were saying you could help me? Oh, yeah, I have a paper route, and one of the other boys was beaten to death by his mom's boyfriend.
Shall I put in a good word for you? Sure! I got to take this.
It's Douglas.
Hey, Douglas.
A Hyundai? Are sure you're ready for that much tail? All right, lads, now that we're in the air, I can tell you our top-secret objective.
Osama bin Laden.
But, sir, they already got bin Laden in Pakistan.
Silly Smith.
Silly goose.
That was just something we faked to make the president look good.
But now we've found the real bin Laden.
He's managing a Doug & Buster's in Gainesville, Florida.
That son of a bitch! Stop that, Dick.
It's gross.
Now, I'm sure bin Laden is heavily guarded, so expect no mercy and give none in return.
I'm sorry, sir; we're closed for the night.
Yeah! We finally got him.
We're Americans, damn it! Whoa, check out that sweet game.
Whoa, dude, that's fast.
Ease off the throttle, buddy.
Seriously, Stan, come on.
You're going too fast, bro! Stan, it's not funny, man.
Stan! Aah! Man down! Call a medevac! Call an ambulance! Somebody call somebody! Avery, what happened? He was riding a motorcycle through downtown Tokyo! Stan, I'm here, baby.
Who who are you? What? I'm afraid your husband has amnesia.
Oh, my God! I know! He can't remember anything.
I told him he owed me 50 bucks, and he just gave it to me.
Will he ever get his memory back? It's possible.
But he'll be looking to you for cues to remember who he is.
You really don't remember a thing? No.
It's all blank.
I don't know who I am.
It's okay.
I'll help you remember.
You are Well, why don't you and Mr.
Smooth come to my wedding next Saturday? Meat slap.
You are a caring and sensitive man.
I I am? Yes.
You really are.
Now you've got to get better, because we have a wedding this weekend.
And I'm gonna show you off.
Oh, and by the way, there's nothing you love more than foot rubs.
Giving them.
You hate receiving them.
And this is the TV room, where you love to watch shows about dancing and never shows about World War II.
Francine, you shouldn't mess with Stan's mind like this.
Butt out, Klaus.
This is my chance to have a better version of Stan.
One that won't embarrass me at Brenda's wedding.
So, I'm a nice guy? Sure doesn't look like it.
Oh, no, you're a total sweetheart.
Try to relax, honey.
I'm going to teach you everything you need to know about Stan Smith The new Stan is The new Stan is And she was all, "You told that to her face?" Hmm.
And I was all, "No, that's why I'm telling you, so you can tell her.
" Oh, mm-hmm.
The new Stan Never BMs in the tub.
Cappelini? I'm Steve Smith.
Ah, Josh's replacement.
Welcome aboard.
You're gonna ride along with Roger today to see how things work.
Come on, rookie.
Stay close, but not too close.
I swerve a lot because I accidentally bought prescription sunglasses, which I don't need, but I'm too embarrassed to return.
Wow, how'd you afford such a nice bike? How does a paperboy afford anything on the crap they pay? You bend the rules.
You get extra papers and sell 'em on the side.
Vacation hold.
You get one of these, toss it, keep the papers, side-sell 'em.
You see a vacant, sign it up for a trial membership.
More papers.
Ma-ma-more papers, ma-ma-more money.
Ma-ma-more money, ma-ma-more speech therapy.
Pleasure doing business with you, Cooper, you sleazebag.
But Roger, isn't this a little, you know, unethical? Do this job like a bitch, it'll take forever to get that Soda Squirter.
How soon you want to be squirting? I'd like to be squirting right now.
Okay, let's do it.
There was no reason for him to be rude like that.
I mean, if you're wearing a referee shirt in a Foot Locker, I assume you work there.
Sounds like he had a problem and he was trying to make it yours.
I could talk to you for hours.
Well, I could listen to you all day, so there.
You know what? I think I'm ready to go back to work.
Work? Well, yeah.
I must have a job, right? Where do I work again? Sir, this is going to sound crazy, but would you pretend Okay, yeah, I'll do it.
But I haven't told you I'll do it; I'm in.
Okay, uh, my husband, Stan, has amnesia.
If you could give him a job and pretend that he's worked here for a while Yeah, yeah, girl, I said I'm in; let's do it.
Um, okay Stan, I'm so glad to see you, man.
I was worried sick.
I'm sorry.
I- I don't remember you.
What?! Man, we been in the futon game since '95, dude.
Remember, remember selling futons to college kids out of that old truck you bought from Leticia's daddy? Uh It's okay.
We'll get you there, Stan.
Delroy is here for you.
I mean, you've always been there for me, man, ever since we was kids.
Your mama God bless her she took me in when my home environment was not a good situation, you know? How long do you think Stan will believe this malarkey that he's a futon salesman, huh? He's gonna remember everything, including how to schmack you around the bedroom! He doesn't do that.
He does in the short stories I've been writing.
Stan! How was work? Something just doesn't feel right.
If ComforTech shipped those frames last week, they should be here by now.
Oh, well, that's the futon game! Oh, my God, his new personality stuck! I've created the perfect husband! I can't wait to show him off at Brenda's wedding! There's a special place in hell for people who do things like this, right next to the child molesters and the sexy children who seduced them! Okay, three weeks of straight hustlin'.
Now it's time to get paid, son.
Bam! Bam! Bam! $7.
Here's your cut.
A Canadian quarter? I thought we were splitting things down the middle.
Oh, you want a split down the middle? Here you go.
You can go.
It's green.
Is that really necessary? A honk's the angriest sound a car can make.
And I've been takin' care of business every day You hate that song.
Are you sure? It didn't feel that way.
Yep, you hate it.
Um when you were a boy, your father was raped to that song.
This place is so big! Oh, I hope no one was injured during the construction process.
Okay, we have you in a garden view room Are you sure? 'Cause I thought we booked an ocean view room.
Honey, please! There's no need to make a scene.
Francine! Brenda! I'm so glad you could make it! You remember Stan, who's now my sensitive, patient, foot-massaging angel.
Francine He's the top futon salesman in Langley Falls.
And he has the emotional availability of Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle.
Francine! And he's a great lover.
A gentleman in the streets, but a thirsty dog in the sheets.
You are a lucky woman, Francine.
I have to run and get ready.
See you at the ceremony! That was really embarrassing for me, Francine.
What happens in our marital bed is between us.
Heavens to Murgatroyd! "Theo, we fit together like the pieces of a puzzle.
And when that puzzle is complete " Sorry.
" it is a picture of love.
" Take it easy, Stan.
It's just a lame-ass puzzle metaphor.
I'm not crying about that, Francine.
I'm crying about us.
What? This feeling has been building for days.
And now seeing this couple that's so clearly meant to be together, I realize we're not.
Stan, honey No! We're too different.
You're insensitive and crass and mean to people in the service industry.
And Stan Smith is just not like that! I'm sorry, Francine, but this isn't going to work! I'm sorry.
I couldn't help overhearing.
It sounds like you could use a little help.
Stan, what are you doing? I don't think you're right for me! And it makes me sad, and I don't want to waste these tears, so I'm watering this plant.
Stan! Okay, look the reason things feel strange to you is because I lied about who you are.
You are my husband, but you're not this.
You're actually an insensitive jerk who works for the CIA.
Is that some kind of joke? This isn't a time for humor, Francine.
That comes later, when Theo's brother gives his speech.
" the-the only two words you need to know as a husband are: 'Yes, dear.
'" I'm not joking, Stan! Watch! I'll trigger your CIA instincts, and that'll jog your memory, like in The Bourne Identity! Damn it, Stan! I know the real you is in there! Hyah! Aah! Oh! Please! Stop hurting my body! Stan! : Then she hit me in front of everyone! That wicked woman! Do you know she asked me to pretend I was your friend since childhood? Man, like I'd do something like that to you.
We've been friends since childhood.
What am I gonna do?! Listen, Stan, you got to forget about Francine.
It's a wedding, man.
Have a few drinks, get loose Get loose? Yeah, man! Before you met Francine, you were a mack! I was? What was my type? Mature Navajo bitches.
What are you dorks looking at? Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Steven.
I had to do what was right, Mr.
You sold me out?! You punk! He was in on it, too Mr.
Cappelini! Oh, I know.
I've been following you two for weeks.
What? How? I'm a fairy the last of my kind.
You see, we, the fairy folk draw our life energy from human honesty.
And newspapers.
And as you know, both of those things are dwindling in the world, which is why I, and I alone, am humanity's last hope for survi That's for being confusing! What have I done?! I ruined my marriage! Real Stan would never dance to this crap.
He'd hate this song.
That's it! Quit your job.
I'll take care of you.
This song goes out to a man who deep down inside is an insensitive son of a bitch, and he's the only man I ever wanted.
They get up every morning From your alarm clock's warning Take the 8:15 into the city There's a whistle up above, people pushin', people shovin' And the girls who always look pretty Yes, Stan, remember! Remember Takin' care of business Every way! Takin' care of business It's all mine Takin' care of business And workin' overtime Work out! Stan? Is that you? It is! I remember everything! Oh, thank God! You lied to me when I had amnesia! You tried to change who I am! His very personality? His core? What made him uniquely him?! Look, honey, I'm sorry.
I thought I could make you into my perfect husband.
But the truth is neither one of us are perfect.
And that's okay because we fit together like the pieces of a puzzle.
Oh, my God, I get it now.
Brenda, I am sorry.
I said some real nasty things about your vows.
I I need to be alone.
Mama, when's Daddy coming home? Well, honey, probably not before the futon market cools off.
Futon World Our prices are from outer space Futon World!
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