American Dad s09e06 Episode Script

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA This is some party! Hideki's doing it right.
He's doing it exactly right.
This is one of the craziest parties I've ever been to.
And as you know, I'm friend.
.
I'm friendly.
I'm friendsly with Shaun White.
Oh, my God.
Is that Donna Nicole Marie Banelli? Hey, Banelli, you got a lot of nerve showing up here! So what? So what? It's a free world.
So what? Excuse me, Stan.
That's the bitch who gave all my ideas to Michael Crichton.
Hideki! Happy birthday, man! You're doing it just right! This party, that double-breasted jacket you're wearing with corduroys, the '70s pornography you're projecting on the wall outside.
These two things here.
These are the last two Etruscan urns in existence.
Geez, Hide, how do you do it? You can have anything you want if you just trust your gut.
I don't always understand why my gut is telling me to do something, but I always do it, because it has never steered me wrong.
Oh, my God, you destroyed one of the urns! Making this one the last one in existence.
It's priceless now! Ha, that's right.
Thank you, gut.
So, what happened? Eh, wasn't her.
And now, the final Lego to complete our official entry into the tri-county Lego competition! The four stages of Ron Howard.
Opie, Richie Cunningham and Ron Howard, the director with and without hat.
Not bad.
I love it, and I still don't know who Ron Howard is.
What, are you an idiot? He's only one of the most popular mainstream directors of our time.
Eh, Ron Howard's okay, but I prefer indie films.
Wait a minute.
Do you smell that? Corned beef, tongue, whitefish salad.
Oh, no.
A deli platter.
That can only mean one thing.
Mom, who died? Schmuely.
Uncle Ira? What are you doing here? How shall I put this? You're a child, and you're gonna remember this for the rest of your life, so I want to make sure I say this right.
Your dad is dead! He's dead! Man, that Hideki does it right.
What a perfect party.
Well, not entirely perfect.
The cake? You noticed, too? Don't you hate it when you're at a party and you have to wait, like, forever for a piece of cake? Yeah, but they have to cut the cake somehow.
But what if they didn't? You mean, what if they got enough cakes to give each and every person their own entire cake? No, that's not what I'm talking about at all.
I mean, what if there was some way to cut all the pieces At the same time? Like some sort of Gridded wire blade system that could quickly and conveniently Dice the cake into appropriately-sized pieces with one simple cut? Yes! It could even be dishwasher-safe, and the wire blades could Roll into the handles so it would fit in a kitchen drawer for Easy - No - Nonsense - Storage? We could call it "Piece of Cake" because it makes cutting a piece of cake A piece of cake! What was that? I think that was my gut.
Oh, my God, this is just like Hideki! If we listen to it, we'll get rich! Do you really think it could work? I think someone does.
They need to be together.
What's that? Need an investor? Oh, my God, we're really doing this! I know, it's really gonna happen! And the best part is we'll be equal partners.
With only a verbal contract based on trust.
What more is necessary among friends? Snot? Wh-What are you doing here? Why aren't you at your dad's funeral? I'm not going.
You're not going to your own dad's funeral? It's all the way in Stockton.
And my mom isn't going.
And besides, I didn't even know him.
At best, we were "friendsly.
" Now, come on, we're gonna be late for the Lego competition.
Whoa, whoa.
You're not going to the Lego competition.
Snot, if you don't go to your dad's funeral, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Like when I cut off my rat tail.
Steve, this is not a big deal to me.
I really don't care.
Because you're in denial.
Hmm, how do I make this clear to you? Opie! What the hell, Steve? New plan.
Barry, how much gas you got? A half tank, but it's a big tank.
Why? Because we're going to California.
We're taking Snot to his dad's funeral.
I said I don't want to go.
Snot, come on.
You know what you would do right now if this were one of your indie movies.
You'd drop everything you were doing, hop in this car and take a cross-country trip to your estranged father's funeral.
And you know where your best friends in the whole world are gonna be? Right there beside you every step of the way.
I care about you way too much to let you miss something this big.
Fine, but I'm telling you, I'm gonna get to that funeral and still not feel anything about my dad dying.
I promise you, buddy, by the time we get there, you're gonna be an emotional wreck.
I want you to move to California for yourself We went out in search of a way to say good-bye to an absent father, but we found a lot more than that.
We found each other.
Not to mention ourselves.
And like the open road we are infinite.
Will you shut up? You've been narrating for four hours.
I can't believe your dad is dead.
Hey, how you doing? Fine.
My dad was never there for me when he was alive, so it doesn't feel like anything's changed.
I mean, he was in and out of my life until I was eight, and then he disappeared completely.
I used to get all excited when he was around 'cause he'd give me Cheetos for breakfast.
It wasn't until I got older that I came to understand that he did that because he didn't care about me at a.
He didn't even care enough to get me real Cheetos.
It was some off-brand knockoff called "Cheese O's.
" I had no idea that while I was swimming in name-brand snack foods, everything was so weird for you.
I'm gonna need a minute, guys.
Look, there's a lonely hitchhiker.
Let's pick him up and you can analyze him.
Whew, thanks for the ride.
I was standing out there for quite a while.
It's cool, man.
We're on a pretty heavy trip ourselves.
His dad died.
So, yeah, there's that.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that.
Thanks, but I didn't really Yeah.
It's been pretty rough on all of us.
Barry, pull over.
We need to wander around the woods.
You've been running from your feelings, Snot.
But that ends here.
The only thing more natural than nature is feelings.
Okay, I'm out.
I don't think I can relate to this journey.
The truth is I have a serious meth addiction and I need to get to an underpass before nightfall.
Good luck and Godspeed.
That could be your dad right now.
Ca-caw! What the hell is that thing? It represents your dad.
I was thinking you could scream at it or burn it or something.
I'm not gonna do that.
Snot, you need to process this! This is a big deal! Yeah, it's my big deal! And I am not gonna pretend to have some big theatrical reaction to this just to make you happy! But you should have some reaction.
You have to feel something! He was your dad.
And now he's gone.
We're all gonna die, Steven! I'm gonna die! You're gonna die! Everyone dies! Do you really think any of this is going to last forever? 'Cause it's not! Your dad's death is tearing us apart! We are all alone in the universe.
We are not alone! We're in this together! We are born alone and we die alone.
Why am I here? I don't know why I'm here.
Wait a minute.
Where's Toshi? Toshi? Tosh! Toshi! Toshi, where are you? Toshi, please come back! Toshi! It's so hot in this corn.
I found him! What are you talking about? Please go.
The secret to the "Piece of Cake" system is the real aluminum wire, which is spun to perfection in China.
Where they know how to spin wire.
This wire is safe to touch.
You will not cut yourself on this wire.
This wire retracts into the handles for easy storage.
I could just go on and on about this wire, but the real proof is in the puddin', or the cake, as I should have said, because we are about to slice up some cake! I don't know about you, but I am glad I came to work today.
Now, just watch this.
Look at this.
Watch and see how amazing this is.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look at this! Look at this! Look! Now, I've heard stories of people running this system under hot water and using it on ice-cream cake! We don't have time to dillydally, so we're just going to get a room, shower up, and then get right back on the road.
Um, hi.
Uh, can I help you with your cello? No.
It's my suitcase.
I just don't think all suitcases should be rectangles, you know? I think sometimes suitcases can be cello cases with clothes in them.
What are you doing here? I'm traveling cross-country taking Polaroid pictures of people walking other people's dogs.
It's pretty hard to tell, but I didn't become an artist because it was easy.
You're amazing.
I'm actually a total dork.
I got to get something to eat.
I'm starving.
Where were you?! Where were you?! Where were you?! Move.
You can move that way or you can move that way, but you got to move.
You're right.
I've been frozen inside.
Stuck.
Now I understand what Steve was trying to do for me.
I got to get to this funeral.
I've got to move.
Yes, move.
I must clean.
Frat boys poop all over room.
And in the lobby! They only do this 'cause I Tri Delt.
Yeah, so his dad is dead and we're heading to the funeral.
It's rough, because his dad was never really there for him, so you know, it's-it's rough.
He's also pretty poor.
Well, with a friend like you, he's got more than most.
I'm gonna leave this picture at a gas station.
Steve, I get it now.
I get why I have to go to my dad's funeral.
And I owe it all to you.
That-that's great, buddy.
And I want to talk all about it the minute you get back.
Just you and me in the buddy closet.
You're not going with me to my dad's funeral? I would love to, but-but this girl, this-this incredibly hard-to-define girl I think she's the one.
And that I would meet her now, while you're going through your thing what wonderfully transformative time for both of us! But Life.
Am I right? I can't believe Steve bailed after everything we've been through.
Thanks for being here for me, Barry.
Hey, I just feel good taking you to your dad's funeral.
I just realized I don't know your name.
I could tell you my name, but would my name tell you that I'm incapable of seeing the color orange? I just have to trust people who give me these.
Or that I think mustaches are T-shirts for lips? Or that I wear ice skates to weddings? It's hard to dance.
But that's just the type of person I am.
I'm Steve.
I'm the kind of guy who drives cross-country to take his friend to his old man's funeral, then gives it all up when he finds his manic, pixie dream girl along the way.
Wait a minute.
You blew off your grieving friend to hang out in a hot tub with a complete stranger? No.
No, you don't understand.
I helped him get in touch with his sadness.
I'm the only reason he even went to the funeral.
Oh, I just figured you out.
You're an emotional tourist.
A what? You're the kind of person who feeds off other's experiences to fill the void inside of you.
An emotional tourist.
And I'm sorry, but that's not the trip I packed for.
We're all searching.
For something.
Something that makes us feel alive.
Something to connect us.
To give our lives meaning.
But sometimes when you're searching for something, the worst thing that can happen is you find it.
Well, we made it.
So, now what? Just drive.
A railroad gypsy took away my vas deferens, but you are bumming me out.
I should have gotten out of the truck and given Snot a hug but I couldn't face him.
I chose a girl over my best friend.
And it'll haunt me the rest of my life.
I've seen a lot of strange things in my long life, in between the blinks, but that was definitely the weirdest kid I ever drove away from a funeral.
And I'm usually up for anything.