American Dad s09e11 Episode Script

Cock of the Sleepwalk

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA You coming to bed, hon? Just finishing up my nightlies.
Oh, honey.
I wish you wouldn't shove a retainer full of cake in your mouth every night.
But then I wouldn't taste sweet chocolate in my dreams.
Plus, I don't want to change my routine before a big day like tomorrow.
What's happening tomorrow? Ah, that's top secret.
But I can give you a hint.
I'm "poisoning a Russian assassin.
" Fine, don't tell me.
Well, good night.
Stan, you forgot.
It's Perfect Husband Time.
Oh, right, the 20 seconds per month I allot to your concerns.
Go!!! Okay, uh-uh-um I-I-I saw another stray dog today, Stan.
I was wondering if we could adopt-- Pass.
Okay, uh-uh-um My parents asked if they could see their children this year.
Ten seconds down.
I-I rented The Notebook.
Can we please, please, please Three, two, one.
watch it tomorrow night? Oh unfortunately we've run out of time.
But, you won't be leaving empty-handed.
All of our contestants go home with a parting gift.
Beep beep.
Hey, brother, spare a quarter? "Spare" money, never understood that.
Now, if you want to earn some money, I have noticed that my shoelace is untied.
So I'll offer you a nickel to tie it for me.
Here's a quarter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I said a nickel.
I got change coming.
I don't have any.
No change?! This is how you run a business?! Excuse me, where did you get your shoelace tied? I do it myself, ma'am.
- Sugar? - I don't drink sugar.
Damn it! Whoo-hoo! Congratulations, Smith.
Wait, what's going on? That was your 100th kill.
Get out of town.
We all wanted to be here for it.
Well, thank you, sir.
But I think I only have 99 kills.
We're counting that agent who died when you refused to give him some bone marrow.
Even though you were a perfect match.
Happy 100th, Stan.
It's not my birthday, dumb-ass.
No! I meant a hundred-- And a hundred.
I look 40, tops.
You look a hundred.
Do-do-doesn't Dick look a hundred? You do look old, Dick.
No retainer full of cake tonight, sweetie? Time to leave that boyish tradition behind.
I've killed a hundred people.
I'm a man now.
A hundred people? Plus I had 11 pieces of cake at my party, and I threw up all over the elevator buttons.
Good morning, sweetie.
What? What are you smiling for? Why am I covered in cake? , hoy, you were so cute.
You were sleepwalking.
And I walked downstairs and got some cake? That's not all you did.
What?! You sat me down and insisted we watch The Notebook.
I did not watch The Notebook.
Boy, did you cry when Noah bought the abandoned house on the lake.
Only because it fulfilled Allie's lifelong dream.
Oh, my God, I watched The Notebook! What the hell is this?! That's Rashes.
Our shelter dog.
You adopted him last night.
Why's he named Rashes? Ah! Oh, gross! Ah! Something terrible happened to me! I have to see Dr.
Penguin! Which one do you think, Stan? I'm leaning towards lilac.
Roger, I don't want to talk to Madam Buttercup! Oh, that's a good name.
Okay, okay.
Go lie on the couch.
Penguin, it's terrible.
Last night, I was sleepwalking and I did all these horribly nice things.
Nice things, eh? Seems like someone's conscience is coming out.
Of the closet? I don't have a conscience.
Let alone a gay conscience.
No conscience? Yeah.
That's how I'm so great at my job.
Often when you sleepwalk, the part of you that you keep hidden finds its way to the surface.
Did you rub poo on your shirt? What? God, no, it's cake.
Poo cake? I'm putting poo cake in your file.
Wait, no.
Is that my permanent record? This is just a straw.
Anyway, I usually do eat cake before bed, but last night I didn't.
And then you sleepwalked to the kitchen and ate some.
It's simple, you're a man of habit.
Just go back to eating cake before bed and everything will go back to normal.
Okay, that makes sense.
There ya go.
Well, we've got You want to hold my feet while I try to do a sit-up? Ah forget it.
Have you seen Rashes? Oh, I gave him to a family.
Well, I-I guess you could call them a family.
There was a man, he was like the father.
There was no mom and no kids, but a couple other men.
So, like four dads.
And they all worked at a Korean restaurant.
What a sleep.
Thank you, cake.
Oh! Good, you're awake.
Well, wait.
How did I get here? You came in the middle of the night to answer our ad and our prayers.
Wait, ad for what? To be director of the orphanage! The orphans can't wait to meet you.
But I-I was sleepwalking.
I thought maybe you were.
But you're also the only applicant who didn't play with himself while he examined the children's files.
Well, I-I don't know if I deserve this just for taking a job.
Well you did pay off the loan on our bus.
I what?! Huh, now, did I give you any of my contact information? Like, like how to find me if I were to suddenly disappear? Not yet.
If you'd like to come to my office-- What is going on?! Why do you keep doing nice things in your sleep? Because you're a nice man.
That's why you adopted me Daddy.
Oh, no, what have I done?! Oh, thank God.
It turned green.
Are you sure you need more coffee? You haven't slept in two days.
I can't sleep.
Who knows what sleepwalking me will do.
Probably something really nice.
Hey, I'm nice, too.
But in metered doses.
The sleepwalking version of me is too nice.
He's like Michael Keaton nice.
Michael Keaton? He didn't have to pose for that picture.
Honey, you're all frazzled.
You need some sleep.
All right, five-minute power nap.
I'm setting an alarm, but don't let me sleep a minute longer.
Got it.
"Dear Stan, I'll need more than five minutes "to do all the good deeds I have planned.
So I drugged your coffee.
Night, night.
" What the hell?! Sleeping pills?! Was I sleepwalking?! And did you let me put these pills in my own coffee?! And then let me drink it?! Yeah.
It was exciting.
What else do I have going on? What do you call one of these places? Where we are now? A home? No kiddin'! After you went back to sleep, you opened a soup kitchen in our living room.
We fed 50 people today, Dad.
Damn it.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Dad.
Next time, we'll feed a hundred.
Is anyone peeing here? Yes.
Smith, we've received word that a Belgian terrorist is in town, and I want you to kill him.
Smith, are you falling asleep? Ah, sorry sir, just a little tired.
Oh, not to worry.
I've got some cocaine right here.
But i-isn't that illegal? Ah okay.
You think cocaine is a problem.
But I've done it for 32 years.
See, I'm part of a group of responsible cocaine users.
We adhere to strict rules to ensure things don't get out of control.
Rules, sir? It's not used to feel good.
Not for base pleasure, certainly.
It's a medicine to improve our lives, like penicillin or opium.
Uh, I-I think I'll just get some shuteye.
Of course, of course.
Perhaps opium is more your speed.
See, I'm also part of a group of responsible opium users.
Actually, I'm just gonna go do my mission.
More for me, then.
Would you mind locking my door on the way out? Yes, sir.
I can play the bass solo to "My Generation.
" Bum-didabum-dibum- dibum-bum-bum Bum-didabum-dibum- dibum-bum-bum Where are you off to, shiny briefcase? To kill another terrorist.
There's something you might want to see first.
So, your sleepwalking self came to me earlier.
Oh, hi, awake Stan.
I didn't see you there.
I was just reading my favorite best seller, The Bible.
We shot this in a home you built for Habitat for Humanity.
I thought it was about time we had a little chat.
You see, I'm your conscience.
You killed a hundred people and I'm not letting you kill anyone ever again.
Plus, I'm gonna keep doing everything I can to make up for what you've done.
That's great.
You're really digging deep and I'm proud of you.
Now, there's just the issue of your payment.
I'm sorry, I'm tapped out.
I keep giving away money.
Well I accept several forms of payment.
Whoa-ho! Don't need to see that! From here on out, it's just bookkeeping.
This goody-goody thinks he runs my life.
He can't stop me! So just like that? Mmm, higher.
You turned the camera off, right? Don't talk! Don't talk.
If I'm gonna pull this off, I got to be sharp.
So, just a little shuteye.
But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let sleepwalking me screw up my mission.
I left an envelope at the front desk.
Have a bellboy bring it to me in 25 minutes.
Just as I planned Couldn't get the bed through the door, huh? Sorry, buttmunch.
I win.
What the hell? Gummy bears?! He replaced my bullets with gummy bears from the minibar.
That's gonna cost me seven dollars! Oh, he left money.
Well, I can't be mad about-- Wait, that's my money! All right, this Belgian is not going to slip through our fingers again.
We have intel that he's planning an attack on the downtown IHOP.
And this is a very important IHOP to me.
It's where I saw the kid from The Blind Side.
Sir, sir! I know you're assigning a wet team to take out the Belgian terrorist.
But I want to be the one to do it.
Forget it, Smith.
You had your chance and you blew it.
And you bought some really expensive candy.
But you don't understand! I have to do this! I have to prove to someone that he can't stop me from killing.
Who? Well, it's it's me.
It's hard to explain, but there's a part of me that doesn't want me to kill anymore.
Is it the same part of you that forgot to pull up his fly this morning? Uhp, sorry.
Leave it, Smith.
Yes that's very nice.
But this is very concerning.
If you can't bring yourself to kill, then there's no longer a place for you at the CIA.
I'm afraid you're fired.
Fired?! Yes.
And from now on, if you see me on the street, understand that I'll have to pretend I don't know you.
It'll look something like this.
I'm really up a creek, Dr.
Wait, hold that thought.
Ah, I can never get this.
Is it too cool in here? I'm fine.
But are you are you close to not being fine, maybe? Like, on the cool side? I'll turn it up.
I got to get a digital one of these.
I got to get in the 21st century.
I got to join up.
I know I'm going to be too warm in a minute.
So, did you kill that terrorist? No.
Sleepwalking Stan got in the way.
And now that I can't kill, Bullock fired me.
Looks like my goody two-shoes side won.
Not necessarily.
What do you mean? Well, your conscience says he's not going to let you kill again.
So, all you have to do is kill someone and he'll realize you're the one calling the shots and he'll have to leave you alone forever.
But I can't kill that terrorist.
I'm not in the CIA anymore.
Forget the terrorist.
You just have to find any bad guy and kill him.
Then you'll be back to your old self and you can get your job back.
I suppose, but who can I kill? Well, just off the top of my head, Jeff Watley.
Who's that? Real bad guy.
Worst of the worst.
Just awful.
Come on, I'll explain on the way.
This Watley's a real sicko.
Got nabbed for sex trafficking in Lower Manhattan right after 9/11.
He was running a kiddie porn ring, but before the Feds could drop the net on him, he moved the whole operation to Nova Scotia, where it's nice and legal.
So, he's got it coming.
Oh, it doesn't stop there.
Guy starts moving drugs between Nogales and Tucson.
This case actually goes to trial, but Benton was on the bench, so need I say more? Only if you want me to understand.
With this guy, you're going to want to shoot him in the face and ask questions later.
Very bad person.
All right, we're here.
Take whatever you want! Please don't hurt me! It's payback time, you son of a bitch! What?! Hey I remember you.
You're that guy who freaked out when I got the last pretzel at Wetzel's, like, two weeks ago.
What are you waiting for?! Kill him! Pretzel? What about all that horrible stuff you said he did? I was lying.
But it doesn't change the fact that once you kill this guy you'll be free of your conscience.
And I'll have my vengeance.
No, Roger, it doesn't work like that.
I only kill to protect my country and people I love.
I only kill because I have to.
Wait a minute.
What if sleepwalking me had to kill? What are you talking about? Well, the terrorist is planning to blow up an IHOP.
So, I just need to put everyone sleepwalking Stan loves into that IHOP, fall asleep, and make sleepwalking Stan kill the terrorist himself.
If he refuses, he'll have to see everyone he loves get blown to pieces.
Seems like a perfect plan to me.
But then again, I've only had three hours of sleep in the last week and a half.
I even offered you the pretzel! Yeah, after you drowned it in mustard! This isn't over, Watley! Come on, guys, it's time to eat.
There you are, Stan.
Why did you want us to meet you at an IHOP? Oh, good, you came.
There's no way he'll let you guys die.
Um what? Just sit tight, you're going to love this.
This IHOP has desecrated the Belgian waffle for the last time! What you call the "Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity" I call spitting in the face of my countrymen! But that's served with pancakes.
Shut up, pig dog! Oh, no! Save us, Stan! You got it, babe.
Good night.
Ah, oh, what's going on? Oh, I'm at IHOP with everyone I love! What a perfect Sunday.
Dad, that crazy French guy is going to kill us all! Y-You got to stop him! But that's not me.
I can't kill anyone.
You have to, Dad! You have to save us! But I I can't.
It's it's wrong.
Not when you're protecting your loved ones.
For Belgium! Oh, good, I didn't have to kill him.
Mister, no! What are you doing?! Please, don't make me do it! Come on, now.
I'm-I'm giving you a chance here.
This is terrible.
You're hurting us both, almost equally.
Nobody's winning here.
This is awful.
Oh, man, he's still reaching! Aw, gee whiz.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! It's over.
I won't have what he's having.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Well, that was Bullock.
He was calling me to offer my job back and two pounds of mushrooms.
That's great, honey! And I hope you said yes to both.
Sleep well.
Oh, I will.
I don't think my conscience is going to bother me anymore.
Good night.
What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you.
Oh, no.
You got me to kill a man.
And now I understand that the world's not as black-and-white as I thought.
It's gray.
That's why it takes two of us to ride through this world.
So we're partners? Till the bitter end.
All right, then, friend.
Put 'er there! Hyah! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
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