American Dad s13e03 Episode Script

The Enlightenment of Ragi-Baba

1 [ Telephone rings .]
McManahan Industries.
There's no Tasha here, pal.
Oh! You mean, Tasha Flunchen, supermodel and international party girl! This is she.
Berco, best agent in the biz! Whatcha got for me? Runway work? Victoria's Secret? Don't lie to me, am I the new face of Grape Nuts? Actually, Tasha, I called to wish you a happy 28th birthday.
You are sweet as candy! And to let you know that we're dropping you.
Eat shit and die, Berco! I'm sorry, baby.
You're 28.
The camera doesn't love you anymore! [ Receiver slams .]
It's your time to shine, Nadia.
[ Camera shutters clicking .]
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
[ Waves crash, camera shutter clicks .]
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
[ Camera shutter clicks .]
No! [ Sobbing .]
[ Gulping .]
[ Retches .]
[ Sobbing continues .]
That was my lasagna, bro! I cooked it for the Langley Falls lasagna competition! It's really good.
You probably would've won.
Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good -- Good morning, U.
[ Roger sobbing .]
[ Sobbing continues .]
I'm so sad, leave me alone! Roger, I'm trying to meditate! Are you crying? No.
Why, d-do you think you heard something? What happened in here? My modeling career is over! The camera doesn't love me anymore.
[ Sobs .]
No one loves me anymore.
So you only feel good about yourself if strangers love you? You know it! Ever since Tasha was discovered at the age of 14 in the mall food court, innocently going to town on that big ol' corn dog.
Listen, I've been going to this meditation center for a while, and, well, uh, it's given me so much clarity.
I'm sure you've heard people talking about it around the house.
Yeah, I think I heard Klaus mention something.
Why don't you come down to the meditation center with me? I think it could really help you learn to love yourself.
I love myself all the time! At least once in the morning and usually right before I go to sleep.
Well, sounds like your afternoon's wide open.
Yeah, we can go right after I jerk off! Should should we turn on the TV? I hope you guys are hungry, because I got us dinner reservations! We're gonna try something new and exciting -- sushi! Geez, Francine, we just tried stromboli two years ago.
Can you let us catch our damn breath? Oh, please, Stan.
You know I've been wanting to get more culture in our lives.
Culture? I thought you said you wanted more vulture in our lives.
Fine, I'll go, but you're gonna have to figure out what to do with these gentlemen.
[ Slurps .]
[ British accent .]
It's all right.
We have tickets to the theater, and if we don't leave now, we shall miss the curtain.
I'll have Marcus bring up the car.
[ Slurps .]
[ British accent.]
Marcus is another bird.
[ Slurping continues .]
I'm so nervous.
What if everyone notices me and calls me names? What if one of the names is Piss Head? Roger, this place is about removing anxiety.
They love me, and they're gonna love you.
Woman: Okay.
Welcome, everyone.
I hope I'm not being too forceful.
You're fine.
I'm Chad, this is Gina, and this is a giant crystal.
The three of us will be guiding you today.
Oh, looks like we have some new faces.
Are you -- Are you waiting for me to respond? Hi.
Now, let's all close our eyes and breathe in deeply.
Then breathe out, letting the air and all your worries evacuate.
[ Both inhale deeply .]
[ Both exhale .]
[ All inhale deeply .]
Remember, each and every one of you is perfect.
Except for Dave.
Where's Dave? Your credit card was declined, so you have to go.
What a dick.
Irasshaimase! Irasshaimase! Whoa! What was that?! They're just greeting us.
Wassup! Wassup! Wassup! No menus.
If I wanted to read, I'd eat at the library, but I can't.
I got banned for getting mustard on the "Guinness Book of World Records".
Why don't I start you with a California roll and some forks? This place is Japanese, right? Maybe one of these dudes can fix my old Walkman.
The California roll.
It looks weird.
This is amazing! My stomach is jealous of my mouth for getting it first! We must understand it! Seaweed cucumber Maggots? To bind it together? That's rice.
Of course! Rice! The rich man's maggots! Garçon! Who is responsible for this sushi? We must tell him that, like seeing cherry blossoms on a still lake, his food is greater than the sum of its parts.
Or like the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers once they've morphed into the Megazord.
I must learn the chef's secrets.
Unfortunately, Chef Haruki will tell no one the secrets of his trade.
Not even his own son.
Nonsense, Hisashi! Anyone who compares my sushi to the Megazord obviously has the finest taste and has earned the right to know my secrets.
What?! Come back tomorrow, and I will teach you all there is to know about sushi.
No way I'm going to sleep tonight -- too pumped.
Mind if I just wait around outside 'til you're open? Never mind, you don't own the sidewalk.
I don't need your permission.
You're not the boss of me -- until tomorrow! Hayley, I am pumped to do some introspection today.
I'm so glad you love this place as much as I do, Roger.
Hey, Molly! Okay.
Hi, Ragi! So good to see you! It fills me with such light to see you, Molly.
Roger, have you been coming here without me? Roger: Hmm, have I? Welcome back, everyone.
Namaste, Ragi-baba.
Namaste, Ragi-baba.
Namaste, Ragi-baba.
Oh, looks like we have a new face.
What's your name? Me? Ah, hell no! He's taking over the whole place! Oh, good, at least I can take this class taught by Dalton Galloway.
Oh, Hayley, does Dalton Galloway sound like a real person to you? Grow up.
It's me.
Why is Ragi-Baba teaching all the classes?! Well, it's his meditation center now.
Wait, you sold him the center? [ Laughs .]
No, we didn't sell it to him.
He took it from us.
Hayley, you must understand it's very easy to take over a meditation center.
We're very passive people.
You should have seen the pussies we pushed out of here.
People always ask me, what is the secret to enlightenment? And I always tell them, "You must give yourself permission to be enlightened.
" That is so wise.
Thanks, tits.
You need to stop this right now! You're the one who said I should meditate.
Yeah, meditate, not take over the entire meditation center and make it all about you! I see what's up.
You're frustrated because I mastered meditation in one week and you're still super bad at it.
I'm mad because this place is a sanctuary for me, and you're going to ruin it! [ As Quasimodo .]
Sanctuary! Sanctuary! [ Laughs .]
What is that? Is that from a movie? Is that from history? I don't know, it-it's something.
Anyway, relax, Hayley.
This place ain't changing a bit.
Oh, look, the statue's here! Perfect! Light it up! Welcome to training.
I see you have brought your own uniforms.
We didn't want to show up looking like a bunch of assholes, so I hopped on Amazon.
Mine's supposed to be for an American Girl doll, but you don't have to tell them why you're buying it.
Now, the first thing we do is wash the day's rice.
On it! Oh, yeah! [ Sobbing .]
Oh, no! W-What is it, Haruki? Have we dishonored you? No.
You have dishonored the rice.
The rice is the most important ingredient in sushi.
If even a single grain is mistreated, the meal will be ruined.
Are you? Massaging the rice? Hai.
That must make it feel so special.
It does, but to be safe, you must then tell it that it is special.
You are a beautiful grain of rice.
I would very much like to marry you.
This will be the perfect place to learn my father's secrets.
[ Both sigh .]
Whenever the cucumber shipment is late, I like to look at a picture of my son's mother.
She was the love of my life -- and an amazing prostitute.
Our first guest today on "Mimosa" is Langley's leading spiritual guru, a best-selling author and the on-set meditation coach for the cast of "Nashville.
" Please welcome Ragi-Baba! [ Dance music playing .]
[ Music stops .]
Trish, Sues, thanks for having me.
Now, before we begin, I just want to set the record straight.
I'm no guru.
Call me whatever's above that.
[ Laughter .]
[ As Quasimodo .]
Sanctuary! [ Laughter .]
Th-That's something, right? W-What is that? [ Siren wails .]
Uh-oh! It looks like we've got a 'bush! [ Crowd chanting "Ambush" .]
Ah, snap, this is a talk-show ambush! That's right! We have someone who claims they have dirt on you! Please welcome Hayley Smith! Thanks Trish or Sues.
I'll get right to the dirt.
Ragi-Baba claims to be a selfless meditation guru, but look -- He's actually only doing it for the attention, not unlike a certain vapid supermodel I know.
What does Ragi-Baba have to do with pear-shaped beauty Tasha Flunchen?! Yeah, Hayley, those two people couldn't be more different! Except they're both beautiful and went to Bowling Green.
Look at the photos, Ragi! Admit it.
You're just in it for the fame.
Oh, my God you're right.
In trying to find myself Can I get a light change? [ Lightswitch clicks .]
In trying to find myself little music would be nice.
[ Sentimental music plays .]
In trying to find myself, I put all my stock in how others view me, no different than proud Bowling Green Falcon Tasha Flunchen.
That is why I, Ragi-Baba, am gonna do the only thing there is to do.
I'm going to go into the mountains to be alone and finally find validation from within.
[ Lightswitch clicks, music stops .]
Well, that was fun.
Now let's check back in with Curtis, our smoothie expert, and see how it's coming along! [ Blender whirring .]
I should probably watch this.
I like to throw a banana in there -- really gives it that banana taste! [ Chatter .]
[ Cart squeaking .]
Remember to be patient.
The right fish will find us.
There! Whoa! That's a beauty! [ Sniffling .]
No! Haruki, please! Don't cry! What is wrong with the fish? To my eye, it is the freshest in the market.
Let the chefs who do not have our skill use the best fish.
The secret to great sushi is bad fish.
Only then can the chef truly have influence on it.
Oh, duh.
There! A rotting trout! [ Flies buzzing .]
Shall we buy it, Master Haruki? Wait, why?! I've always wanted to know why you buy rotten fish! Oh, did, uh, you guys hear something? Uh, is the wind talking? He hates when I do this.
Hayley, do you really think you're going to be able to find Roger up here? I have to try.
I-I feel so guilty.
It's my fault he came up here, and I-I just want to make sure he's okay.
I wonder if any of those people know where he is.
[ Chatter .]
[ Brakes squeal .]
Hayley! Thank God.
You got to get me out of here! Roger, what is this place? This place? [ Groans .]
It's a self-sustaining collective utopia that was built in my honor.
It's horrible.
Come on, I'll show you around.
[ Laughter .]
I think there's a meditation room somewhere over there.
Organic farm over there.
They built a hydroelectric dam or something over there.
This is amazing.
Look at all these people living in harmony! There he is! Ragi-Baba! I shut the hell up, just like you instructed.
And when I did, I was finally able to listen to my son! We're talking again! Ragi-Babi, I left you alone for five goddamn minutes, just like you asked! Now may I have your holy touch? Touch me! Touch me! I'm not touching anybody! Now leave me alone! Roger, this is incredible! You're actually helping these people! Who cares if I'm helping them? The whole point of this was to help me! Oh, God.
Is that -- Poison punch? Yes, it's poison punch.
You can't kill your followers! Jeff, can you hand me my shaman stick, please? Ragi-baba, thank you for stick-blessing my wife.
[ Peaceful music plays .]
Jeff, you've got to untie me! Whoa, Jeff, buddy, you're on punch duty.
Sorry, babe, my hands are tied.
Ha! Your hands are tied! We're perfect for each other! [ Groans .]
Roger, you don't have to kill your followers! Have you meditated on this? Meditation? Isn't that phoney-baloney? Phoney-baloney?! Roger, you're one of the country's leading experts on meditation! I was faking! I would just close my eyes and try to remember all the "Road Rules" cast members.
You got Ibis, you got Theo-- Roger! Now is the time to try meditation for real.
I promise it will help.
Okay, but no funny business.
A lot of lives are at stake here.
Stan: He hates it.
[ Gulps .]
You have mastered the art of sushi.
Oh, thank God! As a token of your achievement, I grant you ownership of this restaurant.
Hisashi: What?! But I hoped one day, it would be mine.
I am sorry, Hisashi.
I would give you the restaurant if I could, but you must understand I have already given it to Stan and Steve.
What will you do now, Haruki? I bought an RV! I'm finally taking this piece of rice on the honeymoon it deserves.
Okay, bye-bye! [ Engine starts .]
[ Horn honks .]
Don't worry, Hisashi.
We're gonna be totally cool bosses.
Like, very cool bosses.
I got to be honest with you, Hisashi, I don't think this is working out.
[ Peaceful music plays .]
Hey, Jeff, make sure every cup gets a pineapple and a cherry -- oh, and heaps of poison.
All right, Hayley, I'm all yours.
Okay, just relax and breathe.
I don't think this is going to work, but okay.
[ Inhales deeply .]
[ Exhales .]
It's working! How did you? What is happening?! This must be enlightenment! It feels so good! [ Tame Impala's "Eventually" plays .]
If only there could be Another way to do this 'Cause it feels like murder To put your heart through this I know I always said Welcome to Nirvana.
I don't ever want to leave! C-Can we, like, live here? You are welcome to stay for all eternity.
But here, there is no living.
There is only being.
Being? What's that? Being is nothing.
Being is everything.
Okay, everything! So that means you have Netflix, right? 'Cause I've been watching "Cheers".
Like, from the beginning.
And I got to know if Carla and Coach get together and do the nastay.
Carla and Coach? That wasn't a storyline.
You had Sam and Diane, then Sam and Rebecca.
And you can't forget Woody.
Who's Woody? Who's Woody?! Oh, my God, you have so many good episodes ahead of you.
I mean, there's no replacing Coach, but -- You know what? I got to go back and watch some "Cheers".
Lawrence, come on, don't go! Lawrence! Ugh! Great! We lost Lawrence.
Look, this is so much better than Earth.
No beginning, no end.
No birth, no death.
No birth? But you do have birthdays, right? I got to have my birthday week.
10 days! Starts on a Friday.
One full weekend, then four birthday weekdays, then we pound out one more weekend.
Four brunches, bitch! Ugh, I miss brunch.
You know A-Bomb loves his Bloody Mary spicy.
Alan?! You, too?! Okay.
You must stop encouraging other spirits to leave.
And there is no brunch here! No Netflix, no brunch, and no birthdays.
Okay, this place is bumming me out.
Time to go, Hayley.
What?! No! I'm staying! You can't.
I'm pretty sure you're my plus-one.
She's just my plus one, right? Yeah.
All right, we outtie! Wait! Aw, man, now I'm stuck here with just Nathan.
Y-You know, I just don't think I could go another minute without a soft pretzel.
Sure, I could've stayed in nirvana.
I was definitely a natural, but I would've had to give up all my stuff.
Yeah, I think that's the lesson I learned -- the most important thing in life is stuff.
Thank you for teaching me that, Hayley.
Next time I see you crying, remind me not to care.
I wasn't crying, you were crying.
Oh, no, what's wrong, babe? "Hunchback of Notre Dame"! That's what the "sanctuary" thing was from! Domo arigato! Domo arigato! [ Slurps .]
Papa is this contentment? Yes, son.
A job well-done supplies contentment.
Francine: Stan?! Steve?! Are you up there?! I stepped away to get my Walkman fixed, and you guys disappear for weeks? What the fuck, dudes?
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