American Dad s14e06 Episode Script

(You Gotta) Strike for Your Right

1 Okay, I'm off to work.
I keep thinking that'll stop sounding weird coming out of your mouth, and I keep being wrong.
Get used to it, because I love doing deliveries for Sub Hub cruising around town, cranking tunes, high as a kite, skimming ham off the double-meat orders.
Hayley, when did you stop being a vegetarian? When I started getting high driving meat around town.
Sub Hub has the shiniest ham.
And you want that? [Chuckling.]
Oh, yeah.
The shine is the ham working up a sweat to give you maximum flavor.
The wetter, the better, baby! Really, Klaus? This is something you know about? Actually, no, but when you show enthusiasm, you get to be a part of things.
The job's perfect.
The only thing I don't love is the uniform.
The hat covers my headband, the shirt covers my belly ring.
I look like some Wall Street fat cat.
I'm gonna ask if I can wear regular clothes to work.
That's not how work works.
You think I want to wear this suit to the office? No! I'd rather wear jeans and my Pistons jersey.
What in the hell are you two doing? We're doing things backwards.
Getting pumped to watch "Breaking Bad" in reverse order from finale to premiere.
It's gonna be the shit.
I didn't watch it when it aired because I don't like dark stories.
But backwards, it's about a drug kingpin who gives it all up to be a teacher who doesn't have cancer.
That does sound like it's gonna be the shit.
Count me in! Well, I hope there's room on the couch for one more.
Because word on the street is that this backwards "Breaking Bad" party is gonna be the [bleep.]
! Hey, what's with the bleep?! He said it and she said it, but I can't? I'll give you something to bleep! [Bleep.]
you, you mother[bleep.]
You can suck my fat [Inhales deeply.]
fishy [Inhales.]
wiener! Oh.
You can say "wiener"? Guys! We can say "wiener"! Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
Aah! Good morning, U.
Hey, Dad.
Uh here's your sandwich with exactly as much extra ham as it's supposed to have.
Let's see if it's as shiny as you say.
Yow! If it's as wet as it is shiny, then we've got something here.
Very nice.
You got my turkey club? Whoa! Are you okay? There's no A/C on my side of the office.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't always carry loose Hershey Kisses in my pocket.
Chopsticks! Chopsticks! That's right, you got the Chinese chicken sal Oh! Did you get shot?! [Gasps.]
You need to go to the hospital.
I wish! CIA health insurance only covers visits to the "hopsital.
" That's a hospital for bunny rabbits.
Geez! - Wolverine! - [Snarling.]
What the hell was that?! That's the wolverine that escaped from the lab.
We can't figure out how to get rid of him.
Maybe if you threw less meat on the walls? It's a genetically augmented wolverine that only likes people meat, Miss Know It All! That's even worse! You guys need to talk to Bullock about your working conditions.
- They're terrible.
- Millennials.
You think the world should bend to you, but if you can't deal with a broken air conditioner or a wolverine picking off your coworkers one by one, you're never gonna make it! Fine.
I won't talk about how dumb your office is.
Now, Hayley, I'm still thrilled to eat the sandwich.
But can you tell me a little bit about why this is happening? [Gunfire.]
[Theme music plays.]
- Oh, my God! - What?! That was the finale? So many people dead.
"Breaking Bad" is depressing! For the saps who watch the show in regular order! Yep, for us "reversos" and Christian Scientists, I think death is but the beginning of the story.
These characters are so layered.
It'll be fun watching them become less developed in earlier episodes.
And less dead! Oh, man! I am so excited! This is gonna be so awesome! Dial back the enthusiasm, Klaus.
We've already included you.
Meatball sub for Avery.
Well, if it isn't my former conquest slipping me the meat for once.
That's actually the only way we ever did it.
Anyway, here's your sandwic - [Electricity crackles.]
- Ow! Wha Why do you have an electric fence?! - To keep the wolverine at bay.
- [Buzzer.]
[Man screaming, wolverine snarling.]
It's freezing in here.
Oh, yes.
That's conditioned air from my private unit.
I've bested you again, you cretinous ball of gas.
Go ahead, try to burn my eyes! Do your worst! What massage would you like today, sir? Thai? Swedish? Russian? Why not all at once? Everything's covered by my executive insurance.
Ahhhhhhh! You know, while you're in here living in luxury, your employees have started a wait-list to use the paperclip.
Just throw them a bone.
Fix that loose tile in the kitchen that people keep tripping over.
I suppose that's reasonable.
The tile shall be fixed.
Now, if you'll excuse us, these lovely ladies are going to massacre my penis with a Wiffle Ball bat.
So, that's how "Breaking Bad" started.
It's a bit anticlimactic.
We're just supposed to buy that he's a teacher? We don't even see how he got his teaching credentials? Maybe we didn't do the reverso right.
What do you mean? We watched the series backwards.
But we watched each episode forwards.
- What if we do this - [ Audio runs in revers.]
- Mom, this is a complete waste of - Hi, this is Vince Gilligan, creator of "Breaking Bad," and if you're hearing this, that means you're watching my show backwards - the right way.
- See? "Breaking Bad" was never meant to be a highly acclaimed tautly paced television show.
It's a treasure map.
I told you! Shh! It's talking.
I have buried treasure all over these United States.
Are you reversos bad enough to break my clues? The first clue is drive to Albuquerque.
Okay, Albuquerque Albuquerque that sounds like a word.
Is that one of my personas? No, no That's Albert Gerky, second-generation peepshow spooge-mopper.
"Drive to Albuquerque.
" - Maybe it has no meaning.
- [Horn honks.]
Steve: Roger, are you coming?! We're driving to Albuquerque! I cracked it! - Lunch is here.
- Nothing for me, thanks.
I've got a seafood tower waiting for me in my office.
And before you start in on me about working conditions, I fixed that loose tile in the kitchen.
Speaking of the kitchen, anybody want a drink from there? I'm good.
I got the wet ham.
It washes itself down.
Suit yourself.
More Fanta for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Where's the floor? Turns out all the tiles were connected, so I had to remove the entire floor.
Do you like the hole? It's for you, the people.
That's it.
[Stirring music plays.]
CIA workers, you have endured unsafe, unfair working conditions for far too long.
It is time to pull together and go on strike! - I never thought of that.
- Whoa, whoa! You're just gonna turn your back on this great agency one that's provided you with so much for so long? I mean, we were just given a hole.
How's the hole, Jackson? Jackson: It's freakin' deep, man! I rest my case.
- [Music resumes.]
- You all need to ask yourselves one question "Do I deserve more?" Come on! You deserve more? 10-foot-tall desks aren't enough? [All chanting "Strike!".]
Fine! Have your silly strike.
But the joke's on you.
With the wolverine running around, this is the safest spot in the office.
[Wolverine snarling.]
I see you found the ceiling tunnels.
I suppose it was only a matter of time.
- [Indistinct shouting.]
- All right, who's ready to fight for what they deserve?! [Cheering.]
Do we get to chant stuff when we march? - That always looks so fun.
- Of course.
The best strike chants summarize your demands in a short, witty rhyme.
Does anyone know a word that rhymes with "unlimited colonoscopies"? - I'm back from the balloon store.
- Great.
Nothing draws attention to a picket line like a classic giant inflatable strike rat to symbolize a greedy, sneaky company.
[Hissing, creaking.]
I thought you said "giraffe.
" You thought that, Dick? I really like giraffes.
We can make this work.
Let's just get the picket line going.
What do we want?! - Air conditioning! - Floors! Unlimited colonoscopies! When do we want it?! - Good question! - We never discussed that! I'm crapping blood now! [Horn honks.]
Stan: Move it, socialists! Capitalism coming through! - Scab! - Traitor! Does anyone have a hoodie I can wrap around my waist?! [Tires squeal, pop.]
No! I was gonna use that in my pool! An African warlord has captured an American journalist? Wait, wait.
Hold on.
Okay, now, what color exactly - is this suspicious powder? - Hang up, Smith.
I've got an important assignment for you.
What is it, sir? Those strikers are testing our resolve, so we need to dig in and wait them out by playing "Home Alone"! You'll be the bandits.
I, of course, will play Kevin McCallister.
Everyone says I look just like him.
I don't have time, sir.
I need to keep the office running all by myself.
And I must protect this house! [Dramatic music plays.]
Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
- Smith?! - [Gasps.]
I'm sleepy.
Call in the strikers.
It's time to negotiate.
Sir, I don't want my daughter to think this is how the world works you complain and you get your way.
Well, we can go back to "Home Alone," if you like.
The next prank involves a hot iron and 17 rusty nails.
I'll call in the strikers.
- [Sizzling.]
- Ow! [Screams.]
[All screaming.]
We're gonna die! The boy makes a good point, Francine.
Vince Gilligan's clue said to go to Albuquerque, but it didn't say to drive 90 miles an hour backwards on the highway! I'm doing it reverso! Remember, I'm the one who found the first clue! No one in this car knows the mind of Vince Gillibrand better than me! - [Siren wails.]
- Great! Now we're going to jail! Klaus: Steve, hold my weed.
[Siren stops.]
Francine, I have an unregistered gun in the glove box.
Say the word "officer" if you want me to shoot our way out of this.
[Wind whistling.]
What's up, reversos?! Looks like you just earned your next clue! Welcome to Albuquerque.
- Yay! Yay! - Yay! Yay! Let's get ready to negotiate! Smith will go first, representing management.
Come back to work now, and our revenge will be minimal.
Short and sweet.
Sandwich girl? Well [Sighs.]
I've never really done this before.
Let's do the streamlined version.
Drop slides 6, 11, and 13.
[Switch clicks.]
- [Humming patriotic music.]
- Since the dawn of time, there have been workers and those who manage them.
[Humming continues.]
[All humming.]
And that's why the entire concept of America doesn't work without workers.
[Humming stops.]
Oh, snap! She destroyed you, Smith.
Young lady, that is the most brilliant negotiating - I've ever seen.
- That's not even negotiating! I declare the strike over and accept all their demands.
Now, let's get everybody back to work.
I should get going, too.
I have a trunk full of tuna sandwiches to deliver from yesterday.
Forget sandwiches, sandwich girl.
I'm so impressed that I'd like to hire you - as a CIA negotiator.
- Really? An African warlord has kidnapped an American journalist, and you're going to get her back for us.
Oh, no, no! She led a strike! You can't reward her for that! Ah, Smith the only man who stood by me when everyone else walked out.
You're fired for being a scab.
Fired?! But, sir, this is a huge Scab says what? - I really don't - Scab says what?! American icons, take him away! [Brakes squeak.]
Steve: Would you look at that? It's the actual car wash from "Breaking Bad.
" They used a real car wash.
Unlike those CGI car washes Hollywood keeps shoving down our throats these days.
The clue says "Drive through the car wash.
" Why would he ask us to clean a rental? - Makes no sense.
- Roger's right.
Something's off.
Mom, just drive through the car wash.
What you have to understand about Vince Pelican is, when he tells you to zig, he wants you to zag.
- [Engine revs.]
- What are you doing?! - Driving through the car wash! - [Tires squeal.]
Oh, reversos! You found another clue! [Cheering.]
[Wind howling.]
Before we begin, I want to introduce myself.
Name's Hayley Smith.
I am a negotiator at the CIA.
Kind of a rising star over there.
In fact, the deputy director of the CIA hired me personally.
To conclude my brag, I am a very valuable asset worth my weight in gold.
Or, in your currency, "blood diamonds.
" Oh! You set her free.
My work here is done.
I'm a hostage now.
Hope the next negotiator is as good as I was.
[Birds chirping.]
Check it out! Guess who's gonna be a Sub Hub employee for Halloween! Oh, have you seen Hayley? I'm supposed to ask when I wear her clothes.
I haven't seen her since she stole my job.
Sad boy, sad boy What ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when they come for you? "Sad Boys" is filmed on location with real sad boys.
[Telephone rings.]
So now the warlord is holding me hostage.
Somehow, he got it in his head that I'm valuable.
[Remote clicks.]
Oh, no! They've got Hayley?! I am so sorry, Smith.
I know how big of a Ravens fan you are.
Sir, please tell me the Alpha is on their way to rescue my baby girl.
Unfortunately, that's not possible.
In the strike, the agents negotiated for summer-fun-time hours, and Alpha Team left to go speedboating.
I was just about to join them.
I always get invited because I'm the best at applying sunscreen.
Wet swimsuits sag, so it's important to apply below the waistline.
Perhaps that could help you with your dead-daughter problem.
Guess this is a solo mission.
Okay, the clue at the car wash led us to Los Pollos Hermanos Where we found the map on the back of the menu That led us to the Mexican nursing home Where I had sex with five homeless men.
- You what? - Oh, that was a side mission.
Sometimes, I do side missions a lot.
The last clue says we should dig right here.
It's a coffin.
Actually, if I know Vance Gilifinakis, that's no coffin.
It's a treasure chest.
- [Recorder clicks.]
- Well done, reversos! You found me Vince Gilligan.
Let my recorded voice congratulate you.
After waiting here a few days, the dry desert air is bound to have made my actual voice a little hoarse, but it was well worth it for the opportunity to meet my most loyal fans and shake their hands, which I'm sure I'm doing at this very moment.
I'm proud as punch that you completed my treasure hunt before my week of rations ran out.
But enough recorded talk.
It's time for me to hand you the treasure I've been keeping in my pocket.
It's 100 bucks.
- Yay! - Whoo! All right! [All chanting "Breaking Bad"!.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Stan: Armed guards at every entrance.
How can one man stop an army? And as if the terrible work hours aren't bad enough, I haven't got a raise in three years.
Tell me about it.
I've been coughing for weeks after we burnt down that school.
What's a guy gotta do to get an inhaler? Hmm.
Seems like these guerilla soldiers have some unfair working conditions.
Hey, fellas.
New guy here.
Finally! We've been working 12 hours straight.
Yep, I'm the new guy, all right.
Transferred from the Sahara branch.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, fellas! My story checks out new guy, Sahara branch.
It's pretty sweet over there.
We work summer-fun-time hours year-round.
But I'm sure it's the same here, right? What?! We don't even get paid extra for weekends.
I'm sorry weekends? That's my time.
I use it to organize my collection of looted valuables which I get to keep most of, by the way.
What?! We have to give all our looted valuables to the boss! So you drive your own truck when you raid villages? Tell me they reimburse you for the mileage.
The repetitive motion from all this shooting causes carpal tunnel.
Your health insurance really should cover that.
You're telling me child soldiers make less money than adult soldiers?! That is morally indefensible.
Management thinks they hold all the power.
But you're the ones doing all the work.
So how do we show them who's really in charge? All: Murder their families! [Chuckling.]
Oh, okay.
Let's Let's keep that in our back pocket.
I think the move for right now is a strike.
[All chanting "No warfare without healthcare!".]
Oh, my God! Dad! In the flesh.
[Chanting continues in distance.]
Where's your backup team? They all had the afternoon off, thanks to you and your strike.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
You taught me an important lesson.
There is a time and a place for striking.
When management puts profits above the health and welfare of the workers who earn it for them? What?! No.
When you need to destroy an organization from the inside.
You're such a dick, Dad.
Speaking of being a dick, you're not gonna love this.
Oh, man! This bag better be reusable! [Wolverine snarling.]
Oh! African wolverine! [Growling.]
Bye! Have a beautiful time.

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