American Dad s14e10 Episode Script

Railroaded

1 [Horns honking] This damn traffic.
We're gonna be late for the Bazooka Sharks game, and if you don't see the beginning, the rest of the game doesn't make any sense.
Thanks for agreeing to take me to Urban Outfitters after the game.
It sucks that the closest one is 70 miles away.
I never agreed to that.
I don't even know what that is, some sort of store? Stan, it's not just a store.
It's a lifestyle, but more than that, it's a store.
They have everything Polaroid cameras, suitcase record players, and the flower dress Janeane Garofalo wore in "Reality Bites.
" It's one-stop shopping if you're looking to go full Garofalo.
Fine.
If it'll shut you up, we can go there after the game.
Thanks, Stan.
Some road head to celebrate? We haven't moved in ages.
You know what our town could use? One of those bullet trains.
A bullet train? Yeah, a high-speed bullet train.
Take you from downtown to the Sharks' Nest at 200 miles per hour.
That is a humdinger of an idea.
You got to take that straight to the mayor.
Okay, let's do it.
I feel good about this really good.
And not just because I'm on OxyContin, though that is [snores] Man: It's kickoff time, Bazooka Shark Fans.
We're missing the game.
Oh, man.
So is Sky Crooner.
On my way back from family court Got to keep my job to pay child support Yeah, yeah Sky Crooner stuck in traffic Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
No one even touched their plates.
Guess they're too good for this lovely breakfast brisket.
Aah! Oh, you like my brisket.
Well, I like you.
Oh, but you have to try it with the sauce and sides.
Here, I'll make you a plate.
This, Mom.
This kind of thing is why you're always getting rabies.
Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule - to meet with us.
- My pleasure.
I, uh, always have time for my constituents.
You really can lower your firearm now.
Of course.
I just find the old skull popper works better than a bunch of phone calls.
Now, I only have a few minutes, and then I have to get back to my reelection campaign.
I hear you have an amazing idea for me.
Yes.
Well, sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
Stan, don't be nervous.
He's the one who looks like a human bullfrog.
But he's also the one we have to impress right now.
And judging by the scowl on his face, he heard the bullfrog thing.
So take it away, Stan.
Mr.
Mayor, this town needs a bullet train.
A bullet train.
Huh.
- Guys? - A conservative estimate for a bullet train is in the billions, and using a bullet train for intracity travel makes no sense at all.
Let Stan finish.
I think you'll change your dumb minds after you hear the presentation my main man worked all afternoon on.
Here's a rendering of the train proposal along with environmental impact, traffic-flow analysis, and other factors.
I drew Batman, too, because I'm really good at drawing Batman.
[Laughter] I humiliated myself.
It's a stupid idea.
No, it's not.
I still believe in the idea.
I still believe in you.
Tell her your idea, Stan.
I think this town should have a bullet train.
A bullet train? Oh, hon.
That is exactly what this town needs.
I hate that we don't have one of those.
You guys talking bullet train? Yeah, I-I think it could help with traffic and stuff.
I, for one, dislike traffic, so this idea is really speaking to me.
Well, it isn't just about traffic.
A bullet train isn't about taking you from place to another.
A bullet train is about telling people that this town has arrived.
That's beautiful.
You're beautiful, babe.
Aww.
I'm getting so horny for this bullet train.
Has anyone considered roundabouts? In Europe, they've alleviated [screams] We're talking about a train.
Now, I'm not gonna stand up here and say that this train will solve all of your problems because you already know it will.
It's so simple, just two stops, downtown to the Sharks' Nest.
This woman right here, she could get to the game fast.
This guy here could also get to the game very fast.
Will the tracks run through Clementine Park? I hate that place.
It's full of couples having sex in sleeping bags, and I am sick of watching them as much as I can.
I'm not sure.
That is all I need to hear.
I am all aboard this train idea.
- Chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka - Whoo-whoo! - chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka.
- Whoo-whoo! [Yawns] [Urinating] [Copier beeps] [Urinating stops] I have half a mind to ask who that was.
- What do you think? - What the hell is going on? I've never mentioned it because I'm humble as hell, but as W.
Willard Wartz, I ran Adlai Stevenson's presidential bids in '52 and '56.
Landslide losses, laughed out of the beltway, swore off politics forever.
That is until I saw you speak at that diner.
Stan, you're a once-in-a-generation candidate.
You have to run for mayor.
Look at this new sign.
Oops.
Old sign.
But timeless message.
Me? Run for mayor? Oh, my God, Stan.
That should be your slogan.
"Stan Smith me run for mayor.
" Uh, I don't know, Roger.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Steve, you cannot be seen with those losers during an election.
I got you new friends.
New friends? If you think I'm going to abandon Make sure those dorks don't sneak in through the back.
To the pool! Let me guess, I'm going to need a new husband because Jeff's gonna make the campaign look bad.
Jeff is actually polling great with suburban househusbands and Cajun seniors in the meat-packing industry.
We have to win those demos, or we are screwed.
I'm a pollster now.
And you said calling everyone mon ami was super annoying.
Are you sure a different husband wouldn't poll better? You know, someone with a big-ass dick the voters can really get behind? Isn't this exciting, Stan? I could be the First Lady.
I've always thought of myself as the Jackie Kennedy of Langley Falls.
Um, what's with the Lamonte? He's my rat.
Oh, hey, Lamonte.
So, what do you think, Stanny? I'm not sure, Roger.
Isn't there more to governing than just building a train? No, that's the genius of your idea.
The train solves everything.
Unemployment everybody can have a job building the train.
Education ride the rails and learn some hobo wisdom.
Crime the only thing criminal is not having a bullet train.
Stan, your town needs you.
I'll do it.
Stan Smith is running for mayor.
[Cheers] What do you think, Francine? Ever done it with a mayor? I have.
Six of them, actually.
Seven if you count the guy in the Mayor McCheese outfit.
You dog.
Dad, you remember James Garfield, the dead ex-president you cloned? Of course.
Welcome aboard Team Stan, Garfy.
Happy to pitch in.
I do know a thing or two about politics.
I've been a U.
S.
President, and, also, thanks to Hulu, I've now seen every episode of "Spin City.
" Come on, our campaign ad is about to air.
I hope you like it, because I blew our entire budget on this.
Leykis: Everyone thinks they know Mayor Alan Woodside.
I got Tom Leykis to do the voice over.
Huge get.
Chicks love him.
But how well do we really know him? - [Snarling] - That's right.
He's a giant spider, except this spider hates God, young mothers, and only loves one thing masturbating on the American flag.
I'm Stan Smith, and I approve this message.
This is a very savvy ad.
Roger, I'm not sure You got to trust me, Stan.
Just focus on the debates.
We need to spend all day tomorrow prepping because the debates are Thursday.
Isn't today Thursday? If you're right, and I'm beginning to think you are, I slept 36 hours last night.
I'm Memphis Stormfront, your local weatherman, and I guess I also do this.
Let's welcome our candidates.
- Your incumbent mayor, Alan Woodside.
- [Applause] And you've probably seen this guy in your Facebook feed, - yelling about trains, Stan Smith.
- [Applause] This will be a town-hall debate with questions from real undecided voters.
- Let's begin.
- As a pregnant woman, I want to know why Mayor Woodside thinks I'm ugly.
What?! I do not think you're ugly.
- I think motherhood is - Boring.
This guy has derailed the town long enough.
We need to get back on track.
Hello.
I'm a small-business owner.
Why is Mayor Woodside poisoning the town's water supply? What? I-I-I'm not doing that.
[Audience booing] Woodside molested my goat.
[Bleats] I have never touched that goat or any goat.
I think we're focusing on the wrong thing here.
My opponent has no experience governing at any level.
What I may lack in experience, I make up for in The Power Team.
We're not gonna take it No, we ain't gonna take it We're not gonna take it anymore We're not gonna take it No, we ain't gonna take it We're not gonna take it anymore [Audience chanting "Stan"] - [Camera shutter clicks] - [All gasp] Okay, so here are your approval ratings from the debate.
As you can see, great start.
Roger's running around hammering the mayor from all sides, and here is where The Power Team took the stage.
I know you're not a professional, but this is a very high number.
But here, here's where you drop the baby.
You can almost see it falling.
Well, what's this right here? Looks like I rebounded.
That's when people thought you were going to catch the baby on the first bounce.
I guess the whole town is best friends with that baby.
Stan, cheer up.
This is just a little gaffe.
- I'll fix it.
- Here's an idea.
Maybe we get some dirt on that baby, make Stan the hero.
Bye, Mom.
My crew and I are gonna roll up our jeans and playfully chase each other on the beach.
Why is he always telling me where he's going? So, if Dad wins, what's gonna be your thing? You know how first ladies always have projects they want to accomplish? Hmm, I haven't given much thought to it.
Been mostly focused on my rat, but you're right.
I need a project.
Well, I hate fat kids.
Is there something I could do with that? Maybe - School lunches? - ship them away to an island? Polls are closing soon, but buckle up because it's going to be a long night before a winner is declared.
Luckily, as always, we have our Channel 3 election-night panel of political insiders.
Hooper, Trish, Detective Turlington, Joe Chandler, Tom from the grocery store, Trey, Billy, James Hetfield, Devon, Krampus, David Axelrod.
Never mind.
The votes are in.
They've called the election.
Apparently, thanks in part to a mass influx of 10,000 migrant workers, it's a landslide victory for Htims Nats.
Oh, wait.
I read that backwards.
It's Stan Smith.
- [Cork pops] - [Cheers] Have you seen Stan? No.
Have you seen my crew? Silly goose, the election's over.
I could only afford to rent them for a week.
They're gone, but were all gonna go with Ashton to meet his birth mother.
Stan? Stan, this is your big night.
What the heck are you doing up here with your hat? What have I gotten myself into? I don't know how to be mayor.
What do mayors even do? I'm, like, in charge of the libraries and Pizza Huts? I-I have to approve all the abortions? - Buddy, take a breath.
- [Inhales sharply] Now, think back.
The whole time you were running for mayor, it was a pretty good time, right? It was cool meeting The Power Team.
- They liked meeting you, too.
- [Gasps] You know why you had a good time? Because I was doing all the boring work stuff, and that's not gonna change.
The Mayor's job is to delegate, so you put me in charge of building the train, and you focus on this fun puzzle.
Oof.
No one said politics was gonna be easy.
This town can't afford a $5 billion bullet train.
[Snaps fingers] [Grunting] [Snaps fingers] [Grunting] Sorry, but you're gonna have to push the unveiling.
Oh, really? [Snaps fingers] [Snaps fingers] Are you snapping at me? No, I was snapping at my goons to take you away.
Hey, yeah, it's me.
Why are you guys making me look like an asshole? I'm snapping like crazy here and nothing.
Well, where's Dante? Are either of the Brocks available? Oh, never mind.
I see Scoot.
Shouldn't be much longer.
First of all, I'm proud to announce, look.
- [Cheers] - What was one is two.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, a lot of people tried to tell me that there's no silver bullet to solving all the problems in this town, but I guess those asswipes have never seen a silver bullet train.
Oh, I thought it was gonna be silver.
Hey, cool if I talk to the crowd? What What are you wearing? Are those dead rats? Oh, God, no.
That would be disgusting.
Show him, boys.
[Snaps fingers] Can you handle this woman? [Rats squeaking] Is that a bag full of live rats? Is that a T-shirt cannon? Are you gonna shoot live rats into the crowd with a T-shirt cannon? Well, I am the First lady.
Sorry, Franny.
Your rat fun is over.
Roger, get out of my way.
I'm the Mayor's wife, and you work for him.
Oh, is that what's going on? Take her away.
[Grunts, screams] Rats, protect your queen.
Take the form of Eiffle Tower.
[Rats squeaking] I taught them that.
Where are we going? Hello, Francine.
Doesn't it feel nice to have that bag taken off your head? What's happening? We've all been deemed enemies of the state.
To which I say, good.
About time somebody cracked down on me littering.
The whole freaking town must be in here.
Hey, Francie.
Look how quickly I made friends.
Huh.
It's rush hour and no traffic at all.
Can only mean one thing bullet train killing it.
[Cellphone whooshes] That's weird.
Usually by now, Francine's texted me back a black thumbs up.
Stan, we must talk.
Your chief of staff has turned Langley Falls into a totalitarian state.
You've become a puppet.
You need to That's preposterous.
I'm not a puppet.
I'm real.
I'm a real boy.
Now, listen, Stan.
Aah! Talking cricket! Aah.
Roger, we need to talk.
I just looked up what "totalitarian" means, and I'm concerned.
- Francine.
- [Monitor clicks off] Well, well, well, you finally put it all together.
Wait, did you finally put it all together? - No, I'm very confused.
- Okay.
If you must know, I've, sort of, become a despot, and I've, kind of, thrown half the town into the Sharks' Nest, which I may have turned into a postapocalyptic prison.
Why would you do this? Stan, this has always been about one thing and one thing only Urban Outfitters.
What the hell does your weird store have to do with this? I was sick of driving 90 minutes to buy a pillow shaped like a taco.
I need to attract an Urban Outfitters to Langley.
You know what it takes to get an Urban Outfitters? Infrastructure.
That's why your bullet train was the perfect idea, and while I'm admitting stuff, I also slept with, like, all our interns, even the chubby one.
His name is Noah.
We're in love, and we don't care what you think.
You need to close down that prison.
Are you crazy? That's where Noah and I had our first kiss.
I'm the Mayor.
I demand it.
Buddy, you think you're in charge? I've been in charge from the very beginning.
Power Team, take him away.
[Snaps fingers] You'll never turn The Power Team against me.
You hear me? Never.
Never.
Never! - Never what, sir? - Um Oh, wow.
Uh, never Hmm.
[Grunts] Oh, God.
This place is worse than I thought.
I got to find Francine, but where to even start looking? Oh, there she is.
So this this just kept going.
Don't like the coat? How about a little summertime fun? [Rats squeaking] Gross.
[Snaps fingers] I'm just glad you're all right.
I'm sorry, Francine.
Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to them.
Look, I made a mistake thinking I could just have amazing, brilliant ideas and let someone else do all the work.
The real enemy here is delegating.
Too abstract.
We want to throw bottles at someone.
I'm so sorry for all this.
I almost wish none of it had ever happened.
That's not an apology.
Look, I'll apologize later.
Right now, I'm going to get us out of here.
How the hell are you gonna do that? Not by with talking.
[Snaps fingers] Action sequence, baby [Grunting] Yeah, ye-e-e-ah-ow-w-w-w! So, does it feel like an Urban Outfitters? It's very large.
Seven acres of floor space for funky coasters and denim that fits weird.
And there's a bullet train? There sure is.
That's hella tight.
Doodle-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo.
And these complementary Dasani waters really put you over the top.
Welcome to the Urban Outfitters family.
Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
Doodle-loo-loo- loo-loo-loo.
I'll just get a pen to sign the contracts.
- Aah! Aah! - [Horn blares] Sorry, what? Well, shit.
Well, lemonade.
Doodle-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo.
Guess this could also be a Build-A-Bear.
It is with great regret I announce that I am stepping down as mayor.
Look, I didn't take being mayor seriously.
I was an idiot for thinking I could do this job, but you're also idiots for electing me, so we all share responsibility for this dumpster fire, but if I had to pick, I would say you guys were the bigger idiots.
Oh, yeah! It's time for a return to sensible leadership as I give the office of mayor back to a great man, the unfairly maligned, Alan Woodside.
- Come on up here, Alan.
- [Applause] Woodside was stabbed to death in your illegal prison.
Oh.
Then, eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
Ooh! I love this city, and I pledge Mmmmmoe Garfield.
The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies! Parker: Oh, yeah! Bye-bye.
See you soon.