American Dad s14e19 Episode Script

Top of the Steve

1 [Sing-song] Rain day! Rain day! Today's the day we count the rain! I bet it rained 1,000 inches last year.
Get real, Steve.
Closer to 'finity.
Only one way to settle it.
Let's go to the gauge! Hmm, that's odd.
I could've sworn this was where we installed our professional rain collection system exactly one year ago today to the day.
What are you two dummies doing staring at the fence? Dad! You're drinking out of our rain gauge! Steve, this is a yard-garita glass.
See? It has little markers so I can measure how jacked up I'm getting.
You ruined our experiment! Actually, it seems like I'm teaching you a valuable lesson about leaving your stuff outside.
You should've seen all the gross water I had to drink out of this thing.
Oh, so much sweet rain.
You always act like you're more important than everyone else! Steve, I act like that because I am more important.
I'm the big dog around here.
Ruff-ruff! Roger, back me up.
Stan, I'm pissed about the rain thing, too.
But yes, you are the big dog.
Ruff-ruff.
You see, Steve, I cast a pretty big shadow.
So either get used to it or mosey along.
Maybe I will mosey along.
Maybe you've been holding me back my whole life! Maybe I'll run away! Sounds good.
Send a postcard.
Address it to my shadow.
Mailman knows where it is.
- [Slurps] - [Door opens] Hey, Stan! Did Steve just run away? He'll be back.
He's a little pup.
He knows the big dog runs the show.
That's you, baby! The big dog! Ruff-ruff! - Big dog! Ruff-ruff.
- Ruff-ruff! Ruff-ruff! Ruff-ruff! Uh-oh, is that the dog-father himself, Tuttle, I hear?! That must mean the puppy pound can't be far behind.
[All "ruffing"] Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
- - Man, we ran away to a pretty fancy boarding school.
Yeah, I wasn't expecting this much from a place that let us in 20 minutes after we applied.
Room 237 Our home for the next four years.
Holy cow! Welcome to Pendlingtonton Academy, buddy.
This place is nice.
Usually, when I run away, I'm in a children's pickpocket army within 12 hours.
- I'll make friendships here that'll last a lifetime.
- You might.
I still keep in touch with some of my pickpocket buds.
- Uh, Steve - I'll read Plato and Homer - Steve - row crew with my best buds Steve! I think your experience is gonna be a lot different than that, because Pendlingtonton is an all-girls school! Woman: At a school for girls, Steve'll rock their world Had to let him enroll because of a loophole That's right, there was a bizarre technicality Discovered in the charter of the school That's pretty complicated but is 100% binding So all you need to know is It was a technicality That changed his reality And now Steve goes to this school And you best believe, he'll n-n-never leave 'Cause now he's top of the Steeeeeeeeve "Top of the Steve" is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
I wonder what our suitemates are gonna be like.
I bet one's a really smart, uptight girl and the other one's a bad girl with a heart of gold.
Or maybe a super-boring girl and an east-coast Mexican girl.
Or maybe a girl who's a hacker in a wheelchair and then the other girl has, like, I don't know, a huge ass.
So it's true! They did let a boy into Pendlingtonton! So, yeah.
No one's actually told us how that happened? Yeah, why did they let him in? It was a technicality! We're your suitemates.
I'm Spitz.
This is The Babe.
I have an actual real name, but it's not important.
All the girls in school are jealous that we get to room with the "boy.
" I don't care, though.
I'm a lesbian.
I'm also prelaw.
So this will be a pretty interesting living - arraignment.
- Ha ha ha ha.
Yeah.
I doubt people are jealous of you rooming with dorky old me.
Look for yourself! It's the boy! I'm so jealous you get to room with him! Aaaaaaaaaah! What is the meaning of this nonsense! Steve Smith.
I knew having a boy walking around Pendlingtonton with his little dick would be a distraction.
My office, now! You're in trouble.
Where's Steve? I got us two tickets to Tara-dise.
Tara Reid's illegal lion sanctuary.
Steve ran away to boarding school, remember? Oh, yeah.
Whatever.
Steve sucks! I-I don't need him to have fun! So you guys are just doing books? - [Doorbell rings] - Yes! Thank God! Something to get our minds off Steve.
Hey, Mister! I heard your family could use a down-on-their-luck kid with an unflappable spirit! Unflappable? I'm Spunky Rooster! And I'm moving in! A little cramped, but it'll do! Well, you think you're pretty special, waltzing in here with your technicality and your little penis.
You keep mentioning the size of my I don't want you here, Smith! Those cowards at the school board were too afraid to stand up to you.
But I'm not! But you can't kick out Steve.
I can and I will! As soon as I figure out how.
In the meantime, don't expect any special treatment.
We're not getting you one of those boy chairs with a hole cut out for your little wiener.
Boys use regular chairs.
D-Do you really not know that? Geez.
That headmistress is really gunning for me.
Relax, everyone I've talked to seems to think your technicality is iron-clad.
Mmm.
Hey, guys.
What's wrong, Spitz? I just professed my love to the captain of the science debate team and she totally rejected me.
Poor Spitz.
Tragic, huh? We're the only two lesbians in the whole school.
And yet, neither one of us can find love.
Wait, you're also a lesbian? Cheer up, Spitz.
You'll find somebody.
Now, let me see that smile! Stop it! Stop tickling me! There it is! There's that smile.
[Both laugh] What is happening here? - Steve! - [Glass shatters] My udon and meatballs! The headmistress wants to see you.
You're in trouble! [Chuckling] [Screams] [All cheering] Man, that girl was slippin' quick! Good thing that conveniently placed pile of cardboard boxes was there to stop her.
Whatever.
It was a funny fall.
I'm not gonna overthink it.
Hey, Mr.
Stan! What did you mean when you said I was 'nnoying? Does that mean I ask a lot of questions? Is that what it means? 'Nnoying? Does that mean to ask too many questions? Yes, Spunky.
Was it 'nnoying when I nursed that bird back to health and then he ate all your important biz-a-ness papers? Everything you've done since you showed up has been "'nnoying.
" That bus driver you brought home to dinner.
When you pretended the living room was the bottom of the ocean.
I've been "'nnoyed" by all of it.
But as long as you're here, let's do something fun.
Make bisghetti or gazagna? Shut up.
No.
I'm gonna beat you at Horse.
Steve used to love it when I whipped his ass at Horse.
I never played bus-kit-ball! But I'll try! From the car, bounce it off the ground, to the backboard, then jump down, and catch it mid-air for an eyes-closed backwards layup! Whoa! Today must be my lucky day! What the hell? That was, like, top five all-time - Just bounce it off the ground - I saw! - [Grunts] - Oopsies! That's an "H," Mr.
S! [Groans] Headmistress Mahoney: Come in, Steve! I didn't even knock.
Oh, I could hear your little pecker swinging to and fro all the way down the hall.
Clanging against your thighs like a church bell.
I did a little digging into your "technicality," Smith.
And I found something very interesting.
The technicality has a clause! The technicality has a clause? That's right, and it states that a boy can only stay in school if he competes in, and wins, the Academic Decathlon.
Which is tomorrow! Oh, no! We are readying this today.
Enjoy your last night as Pendlingtonton.
I assume you'll need the next 12 hours to pack up all your jock straps and Gold Bond.
Am I the first man you've ever met? Okay, first question.
The Battle of Appomattox took place on which page of this book? That's not something they're gonna ask! 69, Steve.
You know, not to get us totally off track, but do you think there's something odd about our whole setup here at Pendlingtonton? Roger, I don't have time for this.
Think about it.
You show up.
It's a surprise that it's an all-girls school.
There's the technicality.
The clause.
[Both laughing] I can't believe you! Oh, hey, guys.
You should've seen it.
Stacy Hemerson dared The Babe to eat a whole honeydew! Rind and all! Not only did The Babe do it, but then, she grabbed Becky by the throat Not now, Spitz! Can't you see I'm trying to study! It's my room, too, Steve.
Geez! Bite my frickin' head off! Well, maybe pay attention to people other than yourself for once! You have no idea what it's like being the only boy at an all-girls school! You're right, Steve.
I have no idea what it's like to be different.
[Audience "awws"] The Babe: Spitz, wait! Steve, just because you have a dick doesn't mean you have be a dick.
Whoever that was, they get it.
Name any bird.
- Mm, blue jay.
- That's it.
You are ready for whatever test your teachers might throw at you.
Steve, I know you're mad at me, but just hear me out.
Spitz, wait.
Let me apologize.
I was a jerk.
I wanted so badly to prove to my dad that I could be the big dog that I let it affect our friendship.
And it doesn't even matter.
'Cause I'm gonna lose and have to move home.
Steve, I know what it's like to feel different.
I'm prelaw.
Which is why I took a look at the school's charter.
And guess freakin' what? The clause to your technicality has an addendum! Okay, anyone here speak Spitz? - Oh, why am I doing this? - Listen! Steve doesn't have to win the Decathlon.
He just has to win any school contest he chooses! Spitz, you genius! When you're prelaw, legalese is a legal breeze.
Well, I don't think we're gonna top that.
Let's go.
Headmistress Mahoney.
We took a look at your little clause and it turns out, it has an addendum.
What?! Damn it! You're right! It's that easy to find? Okay, Steve.
I guess you've got me by your sticky little glue stick.
Pick the contest.
The Battle of the Bands! That's perfect! Is it? We don't have a band.
- What the - Okay, guys.
I know we've only got one day to practice and we've never played together and it's The Babe's first time on drums.
But the only way we're gonna win this contest is if we have some fun! A-one, two, three, four! [Skillful drum solo] Don't worry! She'll get it eventually! Hey, I noticed Spunky Rooster's tie-dyed hammock isn't in Steve's room anymore.
- Did she - She's in St.
Paul.
That's all you need to know.
- [Doorbell rings] - Steve?! If this is Steve, everyone be cool, okay? Oh, hey, Steve.
Jolly-ho! You must be Stan Smith! John Michael Heaton.
I am your long-lost, never-before-mentioned cousin.
And I'll be moving in permanently.
Cars should drive on the left, that's what I say! I don't want this man to live here! When I come back down, I expect a massive tea service.
Pip, pip! Wimbledon's the best.
Man, we sounded awesome! I think we might just win this thing! Yep, seems like just about everything is coming up Steve these days.
And I think I figured out why.
Steve, remember when Frasier left "Cheers" for his own show? When Rhoda left "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"? I'm 14, not 90.
Steve, you're in a spin-off! Don't you spin-off, Steviods.
"Top of the Steve" will be right back.
Steve: What do you mean, I'm in a spin-off? Think about it, Steve.
You get into Pendlingtonton on a technicality.
Then, an obstacle arises that if overcome will firmly establish this as your new home.
A promise of a new life! That's spin-off 101, baby! - A spin-off of what? - I don't know! - You're old life, I guess.
- Roger, that sounds crazy.
Crazier than what's been going on around here! Our roommates, who we only know as Spitz and The Babe, are both lesbians who barely notice each other.
Clearly, the beginning of a "will they/won't they" love story.
They're just friends who tickle each other.
And the band Each of your roommates can play the exact instrument you needed.
I mean, Spitz wanted to play the bass.
Usually, you have to force that on the worse guitarist.
Face it, this is a spin-off and you're the star! I'm the star? That means I'm the big dog! Damn right! Big dog! - Ruff-ruff! - Both: Ruff-ruff! - Big dog! - Both: Ruff-ruff! [All "ruffing"] Now let's go win that Battle of the Bands! That's not for four hours.
Then let's sit still and shut down our minds.
Midnight snack attack! Raiding the fridge for midnight snacks! 'Cause it's midnight and now is when we have the snack attacks! Wait a second.
Where's Steve's root beer?! - John! - Yes? John Michael, did you replace Steve's root beer with these shepherd's pie protein shakes? I did! Got to bulk up! Sweater vest season's just around the corner.
- [Screams] - [Thud] [Sobbing] It's okay.
We miss Steve, too.
It's so hard to accept that I miss my son.
[All cheering] Girl: Nice shoes! This next act is horrible, and if they don't win, their lead singer will be expelled.
So now let's all not give it up for Stevie and the Banshees! We're three cool chicks and a boy with a dick Pendlingtonton A place for friends Until the end This is a spin-off That's right.
We'll always be friends.
- Let's rock, Pendlingtonton! - [Cheers and applause] [Guitar solo] [All cheering] - [Keytar solo] - [All cheering] They love us! No, Steve! They love the big dog.
- This'll show my dad! - For sure.
Too bad you'll never see him again.
Totally! Wait, what? You're in a spin-off.
If the spin-off works, you can never go home.
Odds are they're already replacing you.
What?! Roger, I don't wanna never see my family again! Oh, then you cannot win this contest.
If you do, the spin-off will be a success and you'll be here forever! Then we have to lose! Okay, but you'll be giving up being the big dog forever! Who cares?! I want my family! All right, let's lose this bitch! By the way, we've been soloing for, like, forever.
- [Both play sour notes] - [Feedback] [Sour notes continue] [Thudding, clanging] [Both blowing raspberries] Enough! I have heard enough to declare you the winner of the Battle of the Bands! - [Audience cheering] - Yes! What the Of course! You're the star of the spin-off.
You have to win.
That's probably why there were no other bands.
I have your medal, Steve.
Steve, we'll be trapped here forever if that thing hits your beautiful pink chest! Run! - [Cheering continues] - Get him! Put in on your shoulders and celebrate our new beloved student! Steve, you can hide in here.
I'm the laid-back history teacher who's taken a special interest in the new kid.
- And that's you! - It's a trap! He's a storyline! I could've been a father figure to you! We have to ignore everyone.
They're all trying to keep us in the spin-off! Steve, will you go to prom with me? Well, my dance card is wide o - No, Steve! - But she's cute! She won't be cute when it turns out she was just inviting you to make her boyfriend at the boys academy jealous! Storylines! [All panting] Hola, Steve! I am the new foreign exchange student.
In less than three years, this performance will be considered offensive! It's locked! We're trapped! Steve, it's me, talented hockey player and tentative actor Wayne Gretzky! I'm here to teach you an eye-opening lesson about cyber bullying through the power of song! Celebrity guest star.
Storyline! Hey, guys, I found the answer key to tomorrow's ethics test in the garbage.
I don't know what to do! Storyline! The teacher wanted you to find the answers.
That is the test.
Geez, this spin-off has lazy writing.
Headmistress Mahoney: Take your medal, Steve! Aaaaah! These doors are so flimsy! Wait, flimsy sets.
Lazy writing.
A Canadian flag.
I knew it! Great news, Steve.
We're shooting in Vancouver.
That means this show was shot on the cheap.
All we have to do to ruin it is go over budget.
How the hell do we do that?! Sing The Beatles.
It can cost as much as $5 million to sing just two notes of a Beatles song on air.
All you need to do is pick one.
Oh, man.
I mean, I'm usually more of a Monkees guy - What?! - Take your medal, Steve! - "Hey Jude"! - Both: Hey [Tires screech] No Beatles ever! [Tires squeal] [Sobbing] Oh.
[Sniffles] Hey, Steve.
Were you, like, gone or something? Are you crying? You wish, little pup.
Mm! I missed you, too, Dad.
Now, let's go dig for dinosaur bones in the backyard.
Tuttle said he found a T-Rex's arm under his gazebo.
Hey, don't tell Steve, but I scissored the headmistress at the school we went to.
Cool, right? Pretty cool, I guess.
And now, the world premiere trailer of this fall's funniest new show "Top of the Spitz".
Woman: Her roommate Steve masturbated himself to death So Carla moved in and changed her name to Beth Now sheeee's Top of the Spitz! This fall on whatever channel you're currently watching.
Bye-bye! See you soon!