American Dad s15e20 Episode Script

The Hand that Rocks the Rogu

1 Ugh! This fry is still frozen in the middle.
Whoa, curly fries again? Th Those are a dollar more.
How do you guys afford them every day? Babysitting, dingus! You're all babysitting now? How come I didn't hear about this? Our apologies.
We must have been talking about it in the curly fry line.
(ALL MUNCHING) (LAUGHTER) Why are curly fries more expensive anyway? 'Cause you get so much more fry.
And I'm not out of potato, Steve.
I'm out of arm.
Billy, come here! Hello, fellow babysitters.
Him, too? Let's show Steve what this fry can do.
Oh, hell yeah.
Let's blow this tater hater's mind.
BILLY: I've reached the door.
- (DOOR OPENS) - BILLY: I'm going off campus.
(BUS DOOR OPENS) I'm getting on the bus to Chimdale.
Wow, I'm sold.
The curly fries, the babysitting, the whole damn thing.
Wrap it up, I'll take it.
BILLY: Do my eyes deceive me? Billy? Oh, the wonders I've seen.
Crossed the Sahara on foot, made love to an Eskimo, had a spicy soup.
I lived a full, rich life.
And the fry never touched the ground.
Not even on my wedding night.
Or the day I buried my son, Mitsuhiro.
But here's your fry.
(SNAP!) (WHISTLING) I lost my flip-flops over the Indian Ocean.
Not your red Havaianas! It was the red Havaianas.
(PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS) Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Listen up, because I'm only going to say this once.
I have an interest.
Oh, that's great, honey! Oh, phew.
I thought you guys would think I was weird.
The CIA has an Exotic Food Club, and I gotsta get in! This club eats crazy stuff and Stop right there I gotta hear more! Well, in order to gain membership, I must present an exotic food to the committee.
You probably won't see me for a while.
'Cause if I get in, I'm going to Mexico by myself to celebrate.
Looks like you and Jeff have the house to yourself tonight, 'cause I have Moms Club.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Was that "opportunity" I just heard a-knocking? Maybe you can spread the word at Moms Club, I'm getting into the babysitting game.
No, absolutely not.
You're not ready to babysit.
Wait, what? All my friends are babysitting, why can't I? You still have me take your temperature rectally.
Yeah, it's more accurate.
You panic easily, you're neurotic, you're afraid of your own shadow Ha-ha, what? M-Me and my shadow are totally cool now.
Ah! Please, Mom, this means a lot to me.
Tell you what If you can tell me which hand the strawberry's in, you're ready.
(SCOFFS) I knew you weren't ready.
Whoa! (CLICK!) That's how you babysit.
Whoa, a strawberry gun.
- HAYLEY: No, Jeff! Don't! - (GUNSHOT) Thanks for your business, Leo.
We'll get you there next time, buddy.
I knew Leo wasn't going to orgasm.
In fact, I made sure of it.
He doesn't know, but I've been working against him.
Leo's got it easy compared to me.
Mom won't let me babysit.
She keeps treating me like I'm still some helpless, little child.
Kids are no joke.
I learned that the hard way after Rogu was born.
You remember Rogu Rogu? Maybe? Rogu? My baby! Probably heard the rumor that he used to be my tumor.
He's Rogu, my baby he's here! Anyway, that little rhyme's how I remember who he is.
Do you keep Rogu in the room while you? Punch aluminum-siding salesmen in the balls? Yes, Steve.
But I always put Rogu in the bath with his favorite music.
Hey, buddy! The itsy bitsy Rogu was wearing his headphones Because his dad was giving a rusty trombone This way, he has no idea what's going on.
Rogu is Daddy! Yeah maybe I should do my dates outside the house.
I know! How about you watch Rogu while I'm out, and afterwards, I'll tell Francine what a great job you did.
She'll have to admit you're ready.
That's perfect! I-I can start tonight while she's at her club.
Car go through tunnel.
Aww.
I taught him that.
(CRYING) If he gets cranky, just rock him to sleep.
Sleep fixes everything.
(SIGHS, STOPS CRYING) - Anything else? - Three important rules.
Absolutely no candy, no screen time, and don't let him look at my ant farm.
He didn't want to chip in for it, so he doesn't get to enjoy it.
I'm off to Moms Club.
We're going to the Sharks game.
Gettin' there early.
I heard they got a new Port-A-Potty outside gate J, and I'd really like to break that thing in.
Now it's just you and me.
Should I order us some Domino's? Rogu no do chain restaurants.
- Seriously? - Ha-ha, Rogu joke.
Rogu eat from trash can.
Stan, we're thrilled you're interested in the CIA's Exotic Food Club.
But maybe we weren't clear on what our objective is.
For example, when my boy Wolfgang auditioned for our club, he brought in deep-fried pigeon feet.
Wait, that's Wolfgang? I assumed you were Wolfgang.
No, I'm Dale.
Oh, then who's Vorasmus? She's sick.
Anyway, Stan, you've brought in what appears to be gas station coffee cake.
It's Entenmann's! You're not getting it.
We told you to bring something exotic.
Oh, I thought you said "quixotic.
" So you feel that the Entenmann's is quixotic? Yeah, I was banking on no one knowing what that meant.
Why don't I just try again? Stan, leave the Entenmann's.
Do you want more, Rogu? This means more.
Hey, Helen Keller.
Keep it down.
Me and my fellow code-monkeys are mining for Bitcoins.
I got so many.
I'm gonna be so rich.
You're just writing "Bitcoin" over and over in a Word document.
Okay, man, one of us is drowning in cryptocurrency, and one of us is being paid five bucks an hour to watch a farting tumor.
Actually, I'm babysitting Rogu for free to prove to Mom I'm ready Oh, my God.
I didn't ask for your life story.
Unless you'd be willing to sell it.
How does three Bitcoins sound? This is a restraining order against you - from that girl who - Oh, man.
I got hacked! Unh-unh.
Roger said no candy.
(WHINING) Okay.
But promise to tell Roger how good of a babysitter I was.
(CHOKES) Rogu! Rogu! What the Oh, no! That's why no candy?! (GROANS) What the hell?! I don't know why you're shocked, man.
Rogu's crazy.
He does crazy shit.
When Roger said not to feed them candy, I didn't think they'd multiply! I think I know one way we can fix this problem.
Really? What? Are you sure you want to hear about it? Because you've gotten mad when I've tried to discuss this before.
Oh, my God.
I'm not going to that church with you, Klaus.
It's a cool church, Steve.
The preacher wears jeans.
There's a rock band.
The preacher's wife is a graphic designer.
Do you get the picture I'm painting? I-I'll just call Roger.
He'll know how to defuse this.
(CELLPHONE RINGS) See! I do have a girlfriend! All those candles I bought were for someone who exists! So who's the liar now, Brad?! Damn it, straight to voicemail.
Just call your mom.
She can't know I'm babysitting, much less screwing it up.
Where did he get that candy? I keep loose gummy worms under the couch cushions.
What? Wait! Aaah! Should we just call Terminix and call it a day? Klaus, we we got to do something.
I already did.
I gave the shy Rogu a bottle to spin.
- Oooooh.
- Oooooh.
Rogu have errand to run.
Oh, no! Back inside, Rogu.
But Rogu have score to settle.
They're all gone.
They did it.
They finally moved to big city.
KLAUS: I have tons of boys Whoa.
How did you get them to calm down? No thang, I just threw on some random YouTube video.
First of all, Roger said no screen time! And second, this is not random.
This is your song.
Steve, this song belongs to the world now.
You saw what happened when they ate candy.
God knows what your janky-ass video will do to them.
KLAUS: Janky-ass? Not according to the comments.
Listen.
VapePimp77 refers to it as "I make $200 a day working from home.
" Oh.
My.
God.
Yeah, that's pretty big coming from VapePimp.
He's growing! W-We got to get him outside! Come on, Rogu.
You want screen time? Yes, but better video.
KLAUS: Screw you, Rogu.
I make you all big, and now you're shitting on my song? Rogu want And I gotta have a Nutri-Grain bar and Mountain Dew! WOMAN: Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew - Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew - Oh, balls.
KLAUS: Every day (CRYING) More.
More screen time.
Ooooh.
Well, that was crazy.
Want to go grab a bite to eat? This is terrible! I just unleashed a monster on our town.
Mom's never gonna let me babysit now! Yes, those problems are of equal weight and importance.
We have to fix this.
Let's go.
I'm in, but we'll be having a long talk later about what you've done to the lawn.
Shameful.
- - Uh, excuse me.
I need an exotic dish that will impress some real adventurous foodies.
Those canned oysters up there, no one's ever adventured to eat those.
That's pretty high.
How are we supposed to get those down? Well, now they're too low, Tom.
Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort Suffocation, no breathing Don't give a hoot if I cut my arm bleeding Beep.
Beep.
- Car go through tunnel.
- This is my last resort (GASPS) This is my last resort (SCREAMING) Klaus, my mom is at that game.
We have to get Rogu away from there.
I got it! - Hey! - It's okay.
We don't need it.
Chcka-chcka-boom-boomboom! Uh-chunka- chunkachunka-boom! Splash! Duka-duka-duka-duka! Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo! Boom! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! See? It's working! ROGU: Screen time.
(CRYING) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (CROWD GASPING) Look at this antique nickel I found at the bottom of one of the toilets! Look! Excuse me! Hello? ROGER: Three blind guys, three blind guys Sperm in their eyes, sperm in their eyes This actually might be my lucky day - I'm taking their wallets and running away - Daddy have voice of angel.
- Three blind guys, three blind guys - It's working! ROGER: Rogu's in the bathtub while Daddy's with a John With a uh-huh here and a don't stop there Yay, Daddy.
ROGER: "Oh, God!" Okay, we can steer him.
Where the hell do we want to go? I heard New Orleans is dank as hell.
Wait, Rogu likes to be rocked to sleep.
Oh, perfect, and did you forget that this nerd is three stories tall?! No, the Viking Ship! We need to get him on that ride! Roger said sleep fixes everything! ROGER: Something something La Cucaracha Rogu's in the bathtub while Daddy's with a John With a uh-huh here and a don't stop there Here an uuughhh, there an uggghhh Everywhere an "Oh, God!" Three blind guys, three blind guys Sperm in their eyes, sperm in their eyes This actually might be my lucky day I'm taking their wallets and running away Three blind guys, three blind guys You did it! I've used lesser occasions than this as an excuse to break out the Cubans.
Steve, have you never seen me smoke a cigar before? You're in for a treat.
It's the CIA! Where's the big one? Ah, forget about him.
Bring me that delicious-looking creature.
No! Rogu! No, boy-whose-name- I-didn't-catch.
This better be good.
I'm missing the halftime show.
Ronnie from "Jersey Shore" is trying to drink a big thing of salsa onstage.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Ugh.
"Where were you when Ronnie drank the stuff?" I was in the parking lot with two nutsacks.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I really messed up.
Roger let me babysit Rogu so I could prove to you I could! And now the CIA has him! I knew your ass wasn't ready.
The CIA, huh? Lucky for you, I slap uglies with a guy who works there.
Ugh, can't you call it making love? And can't you just call him Dad? I'm on the phone! (CELLPHONE VIBRATES) I can see the glint of the oyster can.
You sure you don't want something else? Wait, actually, do you have that prehistoric fish, the whatchamacallit, the the coelacanth? - Unfortunately, no.
- Did you check in the back? - No, I never left.
- Then it's hole time, baby.
He's not answering.
Well, that's the risk you take when you use a phone.
I'm out.
- (SIGHS) - Don't worry, Steve.
You forget that I'm here with Moms Club.
Leave it to us.
But you said the same thing when I found that lump behind my ear and it just keeps getting bigger.
Moms Club will get to it.
Right after we kick some ass.
Moms Club! Moms Club! Moms Club! Oh, my God.
Yeah, Steve.
We're moms, but we're cool.
Rogu, are you in here? Cool.
Check it out.
(GOOFY VOICE) I'm Doctor Fart Face, and I need 10cc of diarrhea.
Shh! You're embarrassing yourself.
That's not what Doctor Fart Face sounds like.
Uh-oh.
Steve's clearly lost his funny bone.
We need to revive it.
Boop! Where's Rogu? - D-Did you hurt him? - It's hard to say.
You see, we jammed him through a sausage grinder and microwaved him on the popcorn setting.
Mwah! You ate him?! Why?! Because we're the Exotic Food Club.
And there's nothing more exotic than that little mutant of yours.
(CRYING) I can't believe he's gone.
I-I just I just wish I could have done more.
More! Rogu's still alive! And I know how to get him out of there.
Hey, Rogu.
You want some screen time? WOMAN: Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew No! I've never met a dish I couldn't hold down.
That's, like, the coolest thing about me.
(SCREAMS) Rogu, you're okay! Ehh? Yeah, I don't I don't want that.
Seriously.
Put it Just put it Put it down! Now come here and hug me.
Sorry, bud.
I wanted to take care of you, but Mom was right I'm clearly not ready.
Look, Steve, when I said you weren't ready to babysit, I guess I meant I wasn't ready for you to babysit.
What? See, once you're old enough to take care of kids, it means you don't need me to take care of you.
Mom, I'll always need you.
I mean, look how badly I screwed this up.
Oh, Steve.
I'll make you a deal.
When I'm old and my memory is shot and I'm losing control of my bowels, I'll move into your home and you can babysit me every day.
"Who peed on the couch," you'll say, pretending you don't know.
And I'll blame it on the wild dogs I keep claiming to see around the neighborhood.
Yay.
Canned oysters! Aw, man, I missed the entire meal? More for me, I guess.
Did Roger say anything about Rogu and shellfish? (GROWLS) (GASPS) (ROARS) Steve! Steve! You're not gonna believe it, Steve! The Sharks won! They did it! They won! I'm a sports fan now.
Bye.
Have a great time.