American Dad s15e23 Episode Script
300
1
Mail's here!
Look, it's our annual rejection
letter from "Family Feud.
" A mustache hair.
Oh, my God.
Steve Harvey licked that envelope himself.
Wait, this isn't a rejection letter.
It's an invitation to the second phase of the application process "filling out a questionnaire"! - [SQUEALS.]
- Oh, yeah! But we've got to be very careful filling it out.
Says here we can't get another one.
It's only one question long "What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to your family?" I could think of 300 funny things that have happened to us.
[SCOFFS.]
300 funny things.
I can think of 400 funny things.
I could think of a million.
Okay, do 50.
Okay, first one Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
This is "Family Feud," guys.
We need our A-1 stuff.
What's the funniest thing that's ever happened to us? I heard a funny word at the doctor yesterday "terminal.
" That's an airport word! I have a funny one.
Remember the time Dad got locked in the stockades in Colonial Williamsburg? Sorry I knocked over that plant, Dad.
They say they'll let you out at the end of the day.
Uh, guys? I started a small electrical fire in Ye Olde Candlery.
- We gotta run! - Aah! I forgot Roger really ruined that trip.
Ooh! How about that time we saw Seinfeld in Hawaii? I think that's Seinfeld at the omelet station.
You just know he's observing some really funny stuff right now.
ROGER: Guys, I accidentally triggered an active volcano.
- We gotta run! - [ALL GASP.]
SEINFELD: What's the deal with all this lava? Damn it! Roger ruined that, too! Ooh! What about the time we went to that super fancy underground cheese shop? I can't believe this is the day I finally get to try Gouda! Guys, I accidentally triggered an active volcano.
- We gotta run! - [ALL GASP.]
SEINFELD: And this was the day I was finally gonna try Gouda! Can't we think of one memory that wasn't ruined by Roger? Enchanté.
The name's Hibachi Liberace: Terrible Origami Artist.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Mm, too big.
- No! - [GASPS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Bingo! Double bingo! And fold, and fold, and ta-da! Hanging chad! Remember that? From one of the elections or something? Damn it, Roger! That was our "Family Feud" application! We got to the next round?! That's amazing! I wonder what I'll wear if we make it.
You'll wear nothing.
That's kinda what I was thinking, too.
Because we're not going to be on "Family Feud.
" They famously only give you one application! And you ruined it! - You ruin everything! - [GASPS.]
I don't ruin things! We spent all day trying to remember things, but all the rememories were bad! 'Cause of you! Being on the "Feud" is all the Smiths have ever wanted.
- So - So, what, Stan? So, the Smiths are done with you.
Forever! You must leave at once! [GASPS.]
You guys don't want me to leave, right? Fine! I'll go.
Francine, let's go, baby.
No! [GASPS, CRIES.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
POPE: We found him, the creator of the evil artifact.
According to the prophecy, the artifact can only be destroyed by sending it back into the portal through which it appeared on Earth.
What portal? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BELL TOLLS.]
I have 12 chalupas for secret meeting.
The artifact corrupts and twists the human mind.
Once it is destroyed, the world will finally be at peace.
I shall take it to America at once.
Perhaps I should take it, hmm? No! He wants it for himself! - I'll take it.
- No! Me! - Friends! - [GASPS.]
Beyoncé speaks! Don't you see? Its power is corrupting even us.
[GUN COCKS.]
Don't touch it.
[GUN COCKS.]
[GUN COCKS.]
[GUNS COCK.]
I must have it! Little girl, what you are holding is very dangerous.
You must give it to me.
No problemo.
Kazim, wait.
She offers it without hesitation.
It does not corrupt her.
She is pure of heart.
She must be the one.
We are the Knights Turdlar, an ancient order tasked with destroying this evil excrement.
We need you to take this somewhere.
It could be dangerous.
But it will save the world from evil.
I will deliver this anywhere you want, but you must order it through the app.
[KNOCKING.]
Yeah, that cat doesn't live here anymore, ya dig? We've looked everywhere.
Even Snot's house.
ROGER: Come back here! Come on, lil' cricket! I ain't gonna eat ya! Stupid cricket! Stupid Smiths! Making me lie to crickets about eating them.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
ROGER: Oh, hey, little girl.
Can you grab that cricket for me? I ain't gonna eat it or anything.
Oh, hey, that looks familiar.
Nice of you to bring it back.
[THUD.]
This is just the cherry on top of a really interesting week.
[ARGUING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Well, it's official.
I'm not black.
- How do you know? - Heh! 'Cause black don't Listen up.
This is an emergency.
Has there been an attack? No, silly.
We live in utopia now! The emergency is, I got a new guitar! [GUITAR PLAYS.]
Everyone is happy in utopia From Spain to Japan to Ethiopia Mertz was a bully who only cared for shoving But now he's a pacifist all about loving Now that the world is at peace I have my own flock of geese Everyone is happy in utopia FRANCINE: The roads are all empty Everyone gets a Bentley I can dunk a basketball Everyone is happy in utopia I used to smoke six times a day, no joking But in this new world, I get high without toking Everyone is happy in utopia We're all full of hope-ia I can fly without my rope-ia 'Cause everyone loves utopia And things are going well for me Too-o-o-o-o This just in.
Everything is still great! Coming up after the break, a beautiful sound! Oh, what the heck? Let's just play it right now.
[ TONE PLAYS.]
I hate utopia.
I hate this.
Oh, my God! Thank you! Remember when you used to see a helicopter crash on the news and get kind of horned up? That's gone.
And I hate singing that song every day.
- I miss my old song! - Daddy.
That is the silver lining, Rogu.
At least Roger's been gone since utopia started.
Daddy.
No.
That's the door.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Damn, Francine, you made the doorbell ring.
Delivery! And may peace be with Please send me to the Smiths.
123 Cherry Street.
It's Roger's mouth! They're a bunch of dicks, but I really need to talk to them.
Roger! Shh! Mm.
Mm.
I think it's Steve, but just to make sure Get off me! Yep! That's my Steve! Okay, as you can see, I'm just a mouth.
That's probably because I exploded into 300 pieces.
My ears heard the Knights Turdlar talking about how they'd spread the pieces to the furthest, most inaccessible corners of the world.
That way no one could rebuild me and return the world to chaos.
Any questions? I might have one.
Trick question! I can't hear questions because I'm just a mouth.
Rogu can help you find the rest of me.
Probably.
I just said a name.
Does he look confident? I can say someone else's name.
Uhh Calvin? Is he still around? Daddy ear at mall.
Daddy's ear.
Finally, I can hear your beautiful voices.
And more importantly, my own beautiful voice! [SCATTING.]
Ugh! I can't do this! I can't talk to these gross, flappy body parts.
I've got an idea! This was my idea! And you guys promise me you got the rainbow sloth and not just the brown bear because it was cheaper? Yes, Roger.
Where to now, Rogu? - - [ALL CHEERING.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
[GROWLING.]
- - - - I do not want to go in there.
Take these.
Someone sold them to me by the porta-johns.
I have no idea what they are.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Coachella! EDM is amazing! And I never would have found out if we didn't have to go in there to find Roger's elbow.
Roger's elbow! Coachella! I'm your Venus 299 pieces.
Only one to go.
Possibly the most important of all my butthole.
We have to find your butthole? Without it, no turd.
You know what they say Butthole always last place you look.
Ha, ha, ha.
Let's go.
No [BLEEP.]
way! Hello? [DOOR SLAMS.]
So, you've come for the butthole.
Steve Harvey?! Unfortunately, I can't just hand it over to you.
To obtain it, you'll have to win the "Feud.
" And since there's no other family here, we're going straight to Fast Money! I'm gonna ask Roger and Stan the same five questions.
If together, they get over 200 points, what do the Smiths win? TOGETHER: The butthole! Let's play! Name something you don't want to see in the ocean.
- Shark.
- Zombies.
What is a place you go on vacation? - Hawaii.
- Uzbekistan.
Something you don't want to find in your pantry.
- Rats.
- Gotta go with Hitler-r-r-r! A drink you have in the morning.
- Coffee.
- Warm saltwater.
Something you get for your birthday.
- Balloons.
- Potato gravy.
- Okay, Roger.
- Yeah? As you know, Stan got 198.
- Mm-hmm.
- You've gotten zero so far.
- Yup.
- All you need is two points.
Your final question was, "What is something you get for your birthday?" You said - Potato gravy.
- Idiot.
Survey says - Oh, yeah! - We did it! - Whoo-hoo! - The Smiths have done it! They won the butthole! I ain't gonna lie.
I ain't sad to see it go.
Welcome home, buddy! [ARGUING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Aah! At long last, it's finally mine! Wait, you wanted us to have it? Why did you make us play the game? I didn't really think it through.
That's why I gave you points for potato gravy at the end.
Now I'm gonna use this to put my "Family Feud" on every channel! - Wait, how? - It's very complicated.
Just trust me when I say that I will rule the Jesus! - Whoa! - STAN: Don't look at it! This thing is dangerous.
I'll destroy it.
Suckers.
It's just you and me now.
- - [ENGINE STARTS.]
BARTENDER: Usual, Dirk? STEVE: Where is it? How'd you find me? STEVE: The whole world found you.
Trust me, Steve.
You don't want it.
Actually, it's the only thing I've wanted since I saw it that day.
Well, you're out of luck.
I got rid of that thing a long time ago.
Maybe try Craigslist.
STAN: Aah! Aah! [CLATTERING.]
[GRUNTS.]
- [VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
- [GASPS.]
Aah! You led me right to it, little brother.
[GARGLES.]
[STRAINING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[GROANS.]
You dropped something.
[WEAKLY.]
I thought we had a deal.
What happened to girls against boys? Only one problem.
I'm a woman.
- [GUNSHOT.]
- [GASPS.]
Francine! [GRUNTS.]
That's mine! Ow! Give it up, Francine! You look like shit, Stan.
[SPITS.]
[SAW WHIRRING.]
Stan, please! Don't! You can have it! [GASPS.]
[CHOKING.]
[CRACK.]
Hmm, maybe I didn't have time to stop for fries.
The turd! - I must have it! - Give me a break, Klaus.
You're a fish.
You're fine.
Yeah, I just wanted to be a part of it.
And they think I mess everything up.
Look what they do when I'm not around.
Besides, even if I do get them in trouble, I always get them out of it.
Well, not this time.
This time is a bad example.
This time, they're all dead.
You still have me, Roger.
Klaus, please.
I'm not in the mood for jokes.
What the? [GROANS.]
No, no, no, Steve.
Don't come near this bush.
Pal, that burrito did a number on my alien stomach.
Come on.
Let's just go home.
Too bad.
I guess I'll never find my special power.
Whoa, this is where I laid the Golden Turd! Hey, what am I doing here? Listen! You can't leave that thing in the bushes! Someone finds it and ruins your family's lives.
What? Oh, no! The only way to change the future is to hide it where no one can find it.
Don't worry.
I'll hide it real good.
Not behind the skateboard in the garage.
Wow, you really want this thing hidden! Oh, and and one more thing.
If you don't want to get kicked out of the house, don't ever take up origami.
Okay, bye, me! Hey, Steve! Road trip! I'm thinking Boca Raton! It mean's "rat's mouth"! Can't we think of one memory that wasn't ruined by Roger? Enchanté! The name's Hibachi Liberace: Terrible Origami Art Wait a second.
I feel like I'm not supposed to do this.
Staples McFoldsalot! Paper hater! You think you hate paper? Wait till you see this! STAN: Roger! No! That's our Damn it! I want it so bad! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Bye-bye! See you soon!
" A mustache hair.
Oh, my God.
Steve Harvey licked that envelope himself.
Wait, this isn't a rejection letter.
It's an invitation to the second phase of the application process "filling out a questionnaire"! - [SQUEALS.]
- Oh, yeah! But we've got to be very careful filling it out.
Says here we can't get another one.
It's only one question long "What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to your family?" I could think of 300 funny things that have happened to us.
[SCOFFS.]
300 funny things.
I can think of 400 funny things.
I could think of a million.
Okay, do 50.
Okay, first one Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
This is "Family Feud," guys.
We need our A-1 stuff.
What's the funniest thing that's ever happened to us? I heard a funny word at the doctor yesterday "terminal.
" That's an airport word! I have a funny one.
Remember the time Dad got locked in the stockades in Colonial Williamsburg? Sorry I knocked over that plant, Dad.
They say they'll let you out at the end of the day.
Uh, guys? I started a small electrical fire in Ye Olde Candlery.
- We gotta run! - Aah! I forgot Roger really ruined that trip.
Ooh! How about that time we saw Seinfeld in Hawaii? I think that's Seinfeld at the omelet station.
You just know he's observing some really funny stuff right now.
ROGER: Guys, I accidentally triggered an active volcano.
- We gotta run! - [ALL GASP.]
SEINFELD: What's the deal with all this lava? Damn it! Roger ruined that, too! Ooh! What about the time we went to that super fancy underground cheese shop? I can't believe this is the day I finally get to try Gouda! Guys, I accidentally triggered an active volcano.
- We gotta run! - [ALL GASP.]
SEINFELD: And this was the day I was finally gonna try Gouda! Can't we think of one memory that wasn't ruined by Roger? Enchanté.
The name's Hibachi Liberace: Terrible Origami Artist.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Mm, too big.
- No! - [GASPS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Bingo! Double bingo! And fold, and fold, and ta-da! Hanging chad! Remember that? From one of the elections or something? Damn it, Roger! That was our "Family Feud" application! We got to the next round?! That's amazing! I wonder what I'll wear if we make it.
You'll wear nothing.
That's kinda what I was thinking, too.
Because we're not going to be on "Family Feud.
" They famously only give you one application! And you ruined it! - You ruin everything! - [GASPS.]
I don't ruin things! We spent all day trying to remember things, but all the rememories were bad! 'Cause of you! Being on the "Feud" is all the Smiths have ever wanted.
- So - So, what, Stan? So, the Smiths are done with you.
Forever! You must leave at once! [GASPS.]
You guys don't want me to leave, right? Fine! I'll go.
Francine, let's go, baby.
No! [GASPS, CRIES.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
POPE: We found him, the creator of the evil artifact.
According to the prophecy, the artifact can only be destroyed by sending it back into the portal through which it appeared on Earth.
What portal? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BELL TOLLS.]
I have 12 chalupas for secret meeting.
The artifact corrupts and twists the human mind.
Once it is destroyed, the world will finally be at peace.
I shall take it to America at once.
Perhaps I should take it, hmm? No! He wants it for himself! - I'll take it.
- No! Me! - Friends! - [GASPS.]
Beyoncé speaks! Don't you see? Its power is corrupting even us.
[GUN COCKS.]
Don't touch it.
[GUN COCKS.]
[GUN COCKS.]
[GUNS COCK.]
I must have it! Little girl, what you are holding is very dangerous.
You must give it to me.
No problemo.
Kazim, wait.
She offers it without hesitation.
It does not corrupt her.
She is pure of heart.
She must be the one.
We are the Knights Turdlar, an ancient order tasked with destroying this evil excrement.
We need you to take this somewhere.
It could be dangerous.
But it will save the world from evil.
I will deliver this anywhere you want, but you must order it through the app.
[KNOCKING.]
Yeah, that cat doesn't live here anymore, ya dig? We've looked everywhere.
Even Snot's house.
ROGER: Come back here! Come on, lil' cricket! I ain't gonna eat ya! Stupid cricket! Stupid Smiths! Making me lie to crickets about eating them.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
ROGER: Oh, hey, little girl.
Can you grab that cricket for me? I ain't gonna eat it or anything.
Oh, hey, that looks familiar.
Nice of you to bring it back.
[THUD.]
This is just the cherry on top of a really interesting week.
[ARGUING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Well, it's official.
I'm not black.
- How do you know? - Heh! 'Cause black don't Listen up.
This is an emergency.
Has there been an attack? No, silly.
We live in utopia now! The emergency is, I got a new guitar! [GUITAR PLAYS.]
Everyone is happy in utopia From Spain to Japan to Ethiopia Mertz was a bully who only cared for shoving But now he's a pacifist all about loving Now that the world is at peace I have my own flock of geese Everyone is happy in utopia FRANCINE: The roads are all empty Everyone gets a Bentley I can dunk a basketball Everyone is happy in utopia I used to smoke six times a day, no joking But in this new world, I get high without toking Everyone is happy in utopia We're all full of hope-ia I can fly without my rope-ia 'Cause everyone loves utopia And things are going well for me Too-o-o-o-o This just in.
Everything is still great! Coming up after the break, a beautiful sound! Oh, what the heck? Let's just play it right now.
[ TONE PLAYS.]
I hate utopia.
I hate this.
Oh, my God! Thank you! Remember when you used to see a helicopter crash on the news and get kind of horned up? That's gone.
And I hate singing that song every day.
- I miss my old song! - Daddy.
That is the silver lining, Rogu.
At least Roger's been gone since utopia started.
Daddy.
No.
That's the door.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Damn, Francine, you made the doorbell ring.
Delivery! And may peace be with Please send me to the Smiths.
123 Cherry Street.
It's Roger's mouth! They're a bunch of dicks, but I really need to talk to them.
Roger! Shh! Mm.
Mm.
I think it's Steve, but just to make sure Get off me! Yep! That's my Steve! Okay, as you can see, I'm just a mouth.
That's probably because I exploded into 300 pieces.
My ears heard the Knights Turdlar talking about how they'd spread the pieces to the furthest, most inaccessible corners of the world.
That way no one could rebuild me and return the world to chaos.
Any questions? I might have one.
Trick question! I can't hear questions because I'm just a mouth.
Rogu can help you find the rest of me.
Probably.
I just said a name.
Does he look confident? I can say someone else's name.
Uhh Calvin? Is he still around? Daddy ear at mall.
Daddy's ear.
Finally, I can hear your beautiful voices.
And more importantly, my own beautiful voice! [SCATTING.]
Ugh! I can't do this! I can't talk to these gross, flappy body parts.
I've got an idea! This was my idea! And you guys promise me you got the rainbow sloth and not just the brown bear because it was cheaper? Yes, Roger.
Where to now, Rogu? - - [ALL CHEERING.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
[GROWLING.]
- - - - I do not want to go in there.
Take these.
Someone sold them to me by the porta-johns.
I have no idea what they are.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Coachella! EDM is amazing! And I never would have found out if we didn't have to go in there to find Roger's elbow.
Roger's elbow! Coachella! I'm your Venus 299 pieces.
Only one to go.
Possibly the most important of all my butthole.
We have to find your butthole? Without it, no turd.
You know what they say Butthole always last place you look.
Ha, ha, ha.
Let's go.
No [BLEEP.]
way! Hello? [DOOR SLAMS.]
So, you've come for the butthole.
Steve Harvey?! Unfortunately, I can't just hand it over to you.
To obtain it, you'll have to win the "Feud.
" And since there's no other family here, we're going straight to Fast Money! I'm gonna ask Roger and Stan the same five questions.
If together, they get over 200 points, what do the Smiths win? TOGETHER: The butthole! Let's play! Name something you don't want to see in the ocean.
- Shark.
- Zombies.
What is a place you go on vacation? - Hawaii.
- Uzbekistan.
Something you don't want to find in your pantry.
- Rats.
- Gotta go with Hitler-r-r-r! A drink you have in the morning.
- Coffee.
- Warm saltwater.
Something you get for your birthday.
- Balloons.
- Potato gravy.
- Okay, Roger.
- Yeah? As you know, Stan got 198.
- Mm-hmm.
- You've gotten zero so far.
- Yup.
- All you need is two points.
Your final question was, "What is something you get for your birthday?" You said - Potato gravy.
- Idiot.
Survey says - Oh, yeah! - We did it! - Whoo-hoo! - The Smiths have done it! They won the butthole! I ain't gonna lie.
I ain't sad to see it go.
Welcome home, buddy! [ARGUING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
Aah! At long last, it's finally mine! Wait, you wanted us to have it? Why did you make us play the game? I didn't really think it through.
That's why I gave you points for potato gravy at the end.
Now I'm gonna use this to put my "Family Feud" on every channel! - Wait, how? - It's very complicated.
Just trust me when I say that I will rule the Jesus! - Whoa! - STAN: Don't look at it! This thing is dangerous.
I'll destroy it.
Suckers.
It's just you and me now.
- - [ENGINE STARTS.]
BARTENDER: Usual, Dirk? STEVE: Where is it? How'd you find me? STEVE: The whole world found you.
Trust me, Steve.
You don't want it.
Actually, it's the only thing I've wanted since I saw it that day.
Well, you're out of luck.
I got rid of that thing a long time ago.
Maybe try Craigslist.
STAN: Aah! Aah! [CLATTERING.]
[GRUNTS.]
- [VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
- [GASPS.]
Aah! You led me right to it, little brother.
[GARGLES.]
[STRAINING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[GROANS.]
You dropped something.
[WEAKLY.]
I thought we had a deal.
What happened to girls against boys? Only one problem.
I'm a woman.
- [GUNSHOT.]
- [GASPS.]
Francine! [GRUNTS.]
That's mine! Ow! Give it up, Francine! You look like shit, Stan.
[SPITS.]
[SAW WHIRRING.]
Stan, please! Don't! You can have it! [GASPS.]
[CHOKING.]
[CRACK.]
Hmm, maybe I didn't have time to stop for fries.
The turd! - I must have it! - Give me a break, Klaus.
You're a fish.
You're fine.
Yeah, I just wanted to be a part of it.
And they think I mess everything up.
Look what they do when I'm not around.
Besides, even if I do get them in trouble, I always get them out of it.
Well, not this time.
This time is a bad example.
This time, they're all dead.
You still have me, Roger.
Klaus, please.
I'm not in the mood for jokes.
What the? [GROANS.]
No, no, no, Steve.
Don't come near this bush.
Pal, that burrito did a number on my alien stomach.
Come on.
Let's just go home.
Too bad.
I guess I'll never find my special power.
Whoa, this is where I laid the Golden Turd! Hey, what am I doing here? Listen! You can't leave that thing in the bushes! Someone finds it and ruins your family's lives.
What? Oh, no! The only way to change the future is to hide it where no one can find it.
Don't worry.
I'll hide it real good.
Not behind the skateboard in the garage.
Wow, you really want this thing hidden! Oh, and and one more thing.
If you don't want to get kicked out of the house, don't ever take up origami.
Okay, bye, me! Hey, Steve! Road trip! I'm thinking Boca Raton! It mean's "rat's mouth"! Can't we think of one memory that wasn't ruined by Roger? Enchanté! The name's Hibachi Liberace: Terrible Origami Art Wait a second.
I feel like I'm not supposed to do this.
Staples McFoldsalot! Paper hater! You think you hate paper? Wait till you see this! STAN: Roger! No! That's our Damn it! I want it so bad! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Bye-bye! See you soon!