American Dad s16e02 Episode Script

Russian Doll

1 So I bit him.
I didn't know what else to do, so I just bit him.
And I feel like that was the right move because he never charged me for the guitar lesson.
Okay! On to other business.
We have an exciting new villain Anastasia Kirilenko.
Kirilenko? That sounds Russian.
That's right! The Russians are doing shit again! [all cheering.]
The Russians?! They dance like this.
Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Ha! Hey! Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! Yeah! Ha ha! That's right, Styles! They do! Jackson has painted a fresco on the ceiling detailing the mission.
Now, this is for you visual learners and also for me, because I got bananas high before this meeting.
Jackson! JACKSON: We intercepted an order from Kirilenko's IP address to the American Girl doll store AVERY: Ohh! JACKSON: where Kirilenko's daughter ordered a special, one-of-a-kind doll.
AVERY: Hmm! JACKSON: The plan is to put a bug in the doll - AVERY: Dude.
- JACKSON: and ship it to - the Kirilenko compound.
- AVERY: Whoa.
JACKSON: We'll finally be able to listen in on the Russian mob.
AVERY: Yeah.
We've coordinated with American Girl, as we do on most missions, and they're giving us access to the doll before it's delivered.
We just need an agent to go to the mall.
- I got it! - Oh! Me! I'll do anything to get out of work.
That's what I like to hear! Pick up the doll.
Bring it to work Monday morning.
I will be busy all weekend, posing for my deputy director portrait.
Who said you people could go? [patriotic music plays.]
Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
Aah! Good morning, U.
[Boyz 12's "Girl You Need a Shot [Of B12 [Boyz 12.]
" plays.]
Oh, girl, you need a shot of B12 - Break it out! - I'm B1 and I'm tons [radio clicks.]
Steve, why are you hanging around this old factory? Uhh, this is my high school, Dad.
You just met Mr.
Brink at my parent-teacher conference.
I thought that was your foreman.
No wonder he wouldn't show me his jackhammer.
Well, punch out and let's go to the mall.
Were you just listening to the boy band I was in? Yeah, they've been playing it a lot recently since some psychopath's been murdering all the band members one by one.
I have been getting a lot more calls that are just heaving breathing lately.
I thought it was Barry.
[birds chirping.]
I'm sorry we have to go to this lame doll store.
These dolls are amazing.
Did you know each American Girl doll has a rich historical backstory? I don't like where this is going.
This is Koko.
She's from Hawaii.
"Her aloha spirit kept her family together on that fateful December morning in 1941, when the bombs fell from the lani.
" That's Hawaiian for "sky.
" No shit.
Steve, you're a boy.
And boys don't play with dolls.
How about Helena? Her family died of dysentery during the Civil War.
Dad! Hasn't Helena been through enough?! Look at my foot.
It has been put down.
Hi! I'm Bob, and this is my best friend, Maisie! [groans.]
Ooh! The one-of-a-kind Piper special edition! [high-pitched.]
"You're one lucky boy!" It's not for him! Ohh.
A fellow adult doll enthusiast.
We should get together and play sometime.
ANNOUNCER: From the creators of "Young Sheldon" comes "Even Younger Sheldon.
" Yuck.
It's just a fetus.
I get out of here throughwhere? Uh, no, thank you.
- [chuckles.]
- [door closes.]
I just had the tightest dinner with Jurgen.
We destroyed the Chimdale Ruth's Chris.
What gives, Klaus? You never have any money.
It was Jurgen's treat.
I did his taxes and got him a three-figure refund.
I didn't know you did taxes.
Can you help me with mine? Sure.
You thinking standard or itemized deduction? Those are the exact types of questions I'm trying to avoid.
And that's how I know Jackson is having a jazz party tonight.
Can you believe he didn't skee-bop-ba-doo-bop-invite me? Uh-huh.
So Dr.
Weitzman switched yours and Jeff's consciousness?! Yeah, Mom.
This is me Hayley.
The crazy thing is And this is for couples therapy? Can we get back to my [mimicking Jeff.]
Babe, I think I got your period.
I understand you now.
I just had to walk a mile in your tampon.
No one cares about my problems.
Oh! I forgot you were up there.
Just like Jackson forgot to invite me to his jazz party.
Or maybe it was on purpose.
This is ridiculous! I'm talking to a doll! A little dark in there.
Now I see on Instagram Hooper is having a bluegrass thing right now! He wanted me to see it! He tagged me! I'm acting like a crazy person.
You can't hear me through that box.
Good morning USA, Piper.
Whatcha got there? Oh, right, you're an orphan from the Depression era and you write poetry for scraps of food.
These are really good.
Did you squiggle them yourself? You know, I wrote a poem once, about ham.
But it didn't go very well.
My friend fake-humped me and then took the ham-carving position I wanted.
Has that ever happened to you with your poetry, Piper? [insects chirping.]
Where's your dad? And then I saw another guy last week that was like 6'4"! I don't know if I'm just lucky or if it's something about the store, but I always see really tall guys at Home Depot.
Smith? Where's the doll?! O-Oh, my God.
I totally forgot I had it.
Senior moment.
[chuckles nervously.]
I-I think the problem is that I don't care about that amazing doll at all.
I'll bring it in tomorrow.
Sorry about the, uh pbht! brain fart! Good fart noise, Smith! [tires screech.]
So, I told our joke at oh at work today, and everybody laughed! So, you see, these tax write-offs that you've grouped together, I spread them over two categories and saved you $15.
$15?! Wow! I'm gonna have so much change to take to Nipples and Nickels, the only strip club that lets you tip in nickels.
By the way, can I get that in nickels? They don't make change at Nipples and Nickels.
Furthermore, I'm recommending you to everyone.
I-I don't know if I have time for any more clients! Raider Dave! Tax question If I beat a man with a tire iron in the stadium parking lot, is that deductible? I'll have to look into it.
If it makes a difference, he started it.
His wife and small children were wearing Broncos jerseys in Denver, no less.
That's Raider country! [birds chirping.]
[doorbell rings.]
Hey, Steve! Agent Styles! I know your dad's been out sick for a week, and clearly you've caught it, whatever it is, but I need to get something from him.
Whoa! You sound like shit! [accordion playing.]
I so treasure these talks with you, Piper.
The world's greatest treasure is found in the words of friendship.
Wow, Piper! Only you can make Smash Mouth lyrics which I assume those were sound so beautiful.
- [door opens.]
- STYLES: Stan? Styles! What are you doing in Paris?! Okay.
Uh, what were we talking about? Sports cars, right? My favorite is Lamborghini.
It's so fast.
What the hell is going on with you, Stan? Okay.
Let me explain.
Like most flashbacks, this one starts in the past.
-[up-tempo '50s music plays.]
-STAN: After my dad left, my mother had to raise me all on her own.
Without a dad to guide me, she was afraid I'd turn out too girly.
So she had very strict rules about what boys could play with.
Aah! Aah! I thought I told you to throw out that stupid doll! But she's my best friend! Look at my foot.
It has been put down.
Aah! [harp plays.]
So I guess that's why I went a little overboard with all this.
I've been keeping this inside for way too long.
But now I've had a breakthrough.
I'm all better! Just like that? I guess I'm just super-healthy mentally.
This doll needs to go to Russia.
You have a lovely home.
I guess I should tidy up.
Piper left her jacket.
It's overdue ANNOUNCER: That was B12, now with only seven surviving members! STAN: Piper needs her jacket! - [tires popping, screeching.]
- Aah! [crowd screaming.]
You can't be trusted with Piper! You're a terrible driver! When I saw you'd left your jacket, I realized you were sending me a message.
You didn't want to go any more than I wanted you to leave.
It's all true, Stan! Piper, you're the best doll friend I've ever had.
I can't let you go now that I've found you.
Stan, the CIA really wants me to go to Russia.
They're probably gonna come after me.
If I know the CIA, they'll be after me, as well.
They'll think this is all my idea.
They don't know anything about friendship.
We need to run.
We'll lie low for a few years, then I'll come back for Francine and Rogu.
[birds chirping.]
Did you have any unusual expenses this year? Got a full penis tattoo of Dale Earnhardt.
Totally butchered it.
Looks like Milhouse from The Simpsons.
I accidentally ejaculated on a Nagel painting and was forced to purchase it from the museum.
Neigh! Did you receive unreported tip income of $20 or more? I have no need for a job.
I exchange smoothies for used clothes.
I received a trampoline as a business gift from a prostitute I am deeply in love with.
Did you make any contributions to a retirement plan? - No.
- No.
And roughly what was your income this year? Mama gives me a nickel if I don't touch myself! Where were you the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance haunting? Aah! WOMAN [whispering.]
: Ricky Spanish.
I couldn't hear you over the stabbing.
How much did you say you donated to the Audubon Society? WOMAN [whispering.]
: $17,428.
[indistinct conversations.]
I'm gonna buy you some sugar cereal, but it's only because we're on vacation.
Now we have some breaking news.
This just in from Langley Falls, Virginia.
Here's a picture of the suspects, - who are still at large.
- [gunshot.]
That just went off.
By the way, that was not me on the TV, this is a normal doll, and I'm a normal man.
Now, where do you keep your hair dye, like, for normal disguises? Well, Stan, you've done it again.
Your most fiendishly clever disguise yet.
Even my own family would never suspect that I'm not Barry Manilow.
[suspenseful music plays.]
It's all worth it.
Such a little angel.
Did your friend not like her eggs? What are you talking about? She ate the whole thing.
[indistinct conversations.]
Let's pay cash.
Don't want the CIA tracking my card.
You're right.
No huge tips.
Don't want to end up a segment on the local news.
Let me just do a quick Yelp review.
STYLES: I found Stan! [mouse clicking.]
And he's driving west on 68! [birds chirping.]
- STAN: What the - [brakes squeak.]
I have access to your memories! No! She doesn't like it in there! She's going to Russia, Smith.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
Putting the hose down.
[engine starts.]
Doll is lost! What's wrong, Stan? Oh, Towel Swan, I don't know.
Am I becoming unhinged? What?! No! You're as hinged as a door, bro.
You need to go find Piper.
But she's halfway to Russia already! This isn't the Stan I know.
This looks like a crybaby.
I'm not a crybaby! But I'm just one man.
I can't go halfway to Russia all by myself.
I need a team.
Don't worry.
We'll help you, Stan.
[up-tempo show tune plays.]
We'll help Stan, he's our friend STAN: Shut up! Piper's missing! Sorry.
You guys are great.
Don't get me wrong.
But I need you to hang back here at headquarters while I put a team together to get her.
Say that again.
Get a team together to get her.
- Whoa! - Whoa! [birds chirping.]
I need you for a job, and word is you've got the résumé I'm looking for Special Forces, black ops, 67 confirmed kills.
[Southern accent.]
I left that life behind.
Then I guess I'll have to save Piper by myself.
Piper's in trouble? Well, why the hell didn't you say so? [dramatic music plays.]
What took you so long? [metal scraping.]
I'm in, baby.
[Southern accent.]
We'll bring the sweet tea.
[gun cocks.]
That'll be $6,000.
[jet engines humming.]
I need eight tickets to Moscow.
First class.
[keyboard clacking.]
We only have seven first-class seats available.
[engines humming.]
Now that I've framed my poster, this finally feels like a grown-up's alcove.
I should have a dinner party.
Klaus Heisler, you're in big trouble! What?! What's this about? Maynard Butterbean, IRS auditor.
You've been convicted of filing 147 fraudulent tax returns.
Convicted? D-Don't I get a trial? A trial? This isn't TV, bro.
You're going to jail! I-I'll admit, I took a few liberties, but everyone does it.
This isn't cocaine, sir.
Not everyone does this.
We're seizing all your assets.
Assets? I don't have any [gasps.]
No! [glass shatters.]
I spent $700 at Aaron Brothers getting that framed! Hit him with the Tasers, boys.
- [gasps and grunts.]
- [Taser crackling.]
Roger, you jerk.
- [Taser crackling.]
- [grunts.]
- Are you busy Saturday? - [Taser crackling.]
I'm having a little dinner party.
I'll be there.
[man grunts.]
There's no dying in baseball.
Emma, you're in a league of your own.
[beep, gate whirs.]
[dramatic music plays.]
How are we gonna get past them? Me and Debbie can handle those cold-blooded Russians.
STAN [high-pitched.]
: Hey, boys! [men grunting.]
[normal voice.]
You're a miracle on ice.
[suspenseful music plays.]
- Shh! - [gun cocks.]
[Russian accent.]
Bad timing on that squeaky fart.
You're a dead man, Amerikanskiy.
Uh, I think my friend Madison might have something to say about that.
[tires screech.]
Aw, yeah! I'm comin' to get ya! [engine whirring softly.]
[whirring stops.]
Your American car is no match for our Russian wall.
[both laughing.]
I thought Russians were supposed to be tough.
[suspenseful music plays.]
[gun clicks.]
Damn it.
I brought seven dolls but only two bullets.
[Russian accent.]
You're all out of bullets all out of dolls and all out of luck.
That's where you're wrong.
I don't need luck, because I have Mai.
Get him, Mai! Hahhh! [gun cocks.]
- [grunts.]
- [gunshot.]
Russians be trippin'.
Piper! Where are you? [footsteps approaching.]
Zoya Kirilenko.
Anastasia's daughter.
[Russian accent.]
Oh, Piper, I have had such a tough day.
What's that? Oh, thank you! You always know just what to say.
[Russian accent.]
Here you are.
I thought I told you - to throw out that stupid doll! - But, Mother! You will run this organization when I'm gone, but you'll never be a leader of men if you play with dolls.
I can do both! Look at my foot.
It has been put down.
Where were you when I farted? [birds chirping.]
You came back for me! Of course I did.
I can tell by the look on your face something's wrong.
According to the American Girl Feelings Book, you're concerned about something, like speaking up in class or saying hi to the new girl.
What is it, Stan? Piper, you've filled a hole in my life that my wife, children, SUV, and alien never could.
That's so sweet.
But I can tell there's something you're not saying.
I've realized there's someone who needs you more than I do.
Piper! You're back! [voice breaking.]
Treat her well.
Thank you.
I will.
She's got a milk allergy, so she only drinks Diet Sprite.
And she can't sleep without her Blake Griffin plushy.
Yeah, I know.
It's on her box.
[down-tempo music plays.]
Bye, Piper.
Goodbye, Stan.
I'm not crazy anymore.
She's all yours.
But what about my mother? She said Oh, I wouldn't worry about your mother anymore.
Imagine a mother who wouldn't let her child play with dolls.
[suspenseful music plays.]
[engine starts.]
[explosion, metal clattering, flames crackling.]
Good thing there's not more than one way to mess up a kid.
- You did it, Smith! - I know.
Piper has a great new home with a girl that loves her just as much as I did.
No, I mean getting the bug back in the house and taking out Kirilenko.
Now when the daughter takes over the organization, we'll know their every move.
We're getting something! ZOYA: Can I tell you a secret, Piper? I believe in mermaids.
This is great intel, Smith! [insects chirping.]
[suspenseful music plays.]
- STAN: Steve? - [gasps.]
Oh! [grunts.]
Steve, I got you the American Girl doll you've always wanted! Oh, Dad, it's okay.
I'm I'm not really into that anymore.
Son, I've realized I was wrong when I told you boys couldn't play with dolls.
So play away.
And put on this lipstick.
Oh kay.
You're a good dad, Stan.
Bye! Have a great time!
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