American Dad s16e10 Episode Script


1 Tell me about it.
Oh, for sure.
For sure.
It's a date.
Bad news, guys.
Here we go.
I'm serious, Hayley! I'm all torn up over here! I have bad news for my haters! Because Danuta is giving your boy Klaus another shot! Isn't Danuta dating someone better than you? She was! But he was hit by a train.
Hayley? Fine.
Danuta has entered the small, glorious window I like to call "the rebound zone.
" But your personality, Klaus.
It's so bad.
Way ahead of you, Hayley.
In the rebound zone, cash is king.
The first suitor to impress Danuta with a grand display of wealth will win her heart.
Attention, everyone.
It's crunk night at the club, and I don't want to look stupid.
Now, which one of these chains screams "Atlanta?" "A" for Atlanta, or 7 for Michael Vick? The club? Stan, this is the third time this week.
This is how men blow off steam, Francine.
They go to the club, order bottle service, and dance.
I shouldn't have to explain this.
It's caveman shit.
Women like to dance, too! Do they, though? Yes! I've asked you to take me dancing for years! I want to spend time with you! Oh, my God.
We literally just went to Target.
We bought me these socks.
I rode in the car with you the whole way back.
There's a difference between buying socks and being connected.
Is there, though? Good morning, U.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
Aah! Good morning, U.
What the hell do you want? My name is Henderson.
Uh, y-you don't know me, but I was an acquaintance of Jack Smith.
Your husband's father.
Jack's dead.
I know about Jack's death.
I would have come sooner, but I live in Arizona now.
Cool? I also knew Jack's little boy, Stan.
I'm sorry.
Shithead, is it? Henderson.
Jack is dead, and Stan is all grown up with an angry wife.
You'll have to pay your respects some other time.
I think we have a misunderstanding.
I'm not here to pay respects.
I'm here to collect a debt.
Sit on that sofa and don't move! It's story time.
Year was 1988.
Now, without computers and smartphones, bad fathers watched porn in the living room.
I learned so much in school today! Get this the sun is a star! Enough with the questions.
Can't you bore that pen pal I set you up with? They hanged him on Christmas.
Nobody hated being a dad more than Jack Smith.
Are you here to tuck me in? Get an imaginary friend to tuck you in.
It's quaalude time, people! Stan felt like the loneliest boy in the whole world.
God, will you send me an imaginary friend? And that's when I fell into Stan's life.
Dad, I did it! I made an imaginary friend! He fell from heaven! And Jack realized his prayers had been answered, too.
He never had to spend time with his son again.
From that day on, he paid me to be Stan's imaginary friend.
Arrgh! Methinks Captain Blackbeard's treasure be 'round here somewhere! Yarr! I'll watch some TV, in case they hide treasure clues in the shows.
On which channel be "Donahue?" 41.
What do you mean you skipped town? What about my money, Jack? - [LINE DISCONNECTS.]
- Ready or not, here I come.
I ain't hidden yet! Count to 3,000! Okay! 51.
- [THUD.]
- 53 Jack took off and stiffed me 300 bucks, so I ditched Stan, too.
Took a methamphetamine gig in Arizona.
Oh, my god! You and Jack are monsters! If Stan ever found out He'd be crushed.
Which is why you're gonna cough up the 300 clams Jack owed me.
You're despicable.
I can't believe you manipulated a kid like that.
Whoa, $500! Thanks.
Don't thank me, scumbag.
I'm hiring you.
You are gonna convince Stan to take me dancing.
Don't mind me.
Just passing through.
Huge plans.
Whoa, dude.
You are haggard.
So haggard.
So-o-o-o haggard.
I'm off.
These fishbowls are so cheap-looking.
How am I supposed to impress Danuta? - I already told you - That one.
Look at the glasswork.
Please tell me it costs less than the $30 I have in my flex spending account.
Not even close.
I'm gonna call Danuta and cancel our date.
Forget about her.
In fact, let's forget about everything.
Sick bong, Jeff.
I made it myself.
I've been dabbling in glassblowing.
Jeff, do you realize what this means? - You could blow me - Ha! a fishbowl for my date.
Grow up.
I'd kill for you Without no drill Yeah, I'd kill for you What you drinking, stud? I'm just here to dance with my friends.
Then why are you dressed like a slut? Whatever.
You're fat, anyways.
Don't listen to her.
You've had two kids! You look amazing! I should get out of here.
Francine's taken the fun out of dancing.
- Wait, this is my song! This! Is! My! Song! Get low, get low, get low Get low, get low To the window! - [URINATING.]
- Ahh, tonight was great.
I'm peeing so much, Smith! Francine and I, ugh.
- Smith, I have some advice.
My true religions are absolutely drenched in piss.
See you at work! [LAUGHS.]
HENDERSON: Hey, Blackbeard.
Henderson? It can't be.
My long-lost imaginary friend! You came back to me! Are you ladies done with the wall? I need to take a dump.
I never forgot about you, Henderson.
I missed you so much! But why would an imaginary friend get so old and sad-looking? 'Cause of all the imaginary drugs I've done.
Stan, you're finally using the tree house, all alone, but I brought you two beers, because beers are good.
Oh, God.
She's so annoying.
I'll get rid of her.
Wow, look at the time.
Better stop jerking off alone in my tree house while there's still daylight.
- Nice.
- Okay.
Guess I should boogie-oogie-oogie back inside, 'cause I love dancing.
"You're finally using the tree house.
Come on, dude.
Don't come in here with that when you're obviously checking up on me.
Mm! Whadda-hella-dis? There's only one candy corn for every two pretzels! Forget this.
You don't deserve a woman like her.
So long, Stan.
If you're saying that, it means I think I don't deserve her.
How do I keep her? Take your wife dancing! Dancing? With my wife? Oh, there's got to be a plan B.
Aah! When you were 8 years old, you had nothing.
Look at your life now, dummy.
You got a beautiful wife, okay kids, and you're gonna give it all up for what? To jerk it in a tree house all alone until you die? I mean, doesn't sound that bad.
For an imaginary friend, you sure pack a wallop.
FRANCINE: It's true.
Henderson did pack a wallop, but it worked.
Stan took me dancing.
ROGER: Francine, what are you doing in the voiceover booth? I've got this booked to record a commercial for Brockton jock straps "the only jock strap with extra fabric to cover your whole, horrible ass.
" Okay, I locked in a rezzie at Ruby Tuesday's.
You gotta make me the perfect fishbowl.
We're talking three dragons minimum.
I got this, Klaus.
Stand back.
It's about to get toasty.
It's getting hot in here So hot So take off all your clothes I am getting so hot I want to take my clothes off - It's getting hot in here - So hot So take off all your clothes I am getting so hot I want to take my clothes off Why you at the bar if you ain't poppin' the bottles? What good is all the fame if the models? I see you drivin' sports cars, ain't hittin' the throttle And I'll be down to do 100 with a little bit of - And a sprinkle of that - Ah, ah Let it just fall out I like it when you ah, ah - Girl, baby, make it - Ah, ah Oh! The hell is with these dragons? I'm not trying to bang George R.
Martin over here! I need this to be a panty-melter, bro-ham.
Do it again! Tonight was magical, my love.
I feel like Cinderella.
You look like Cinderella, too.
Like in your face.
I worked up a sweat, and I need to run my balls under the sink, then let's make sweet love.
Clean balls! Now I know I'm in a fairytale.
HENDERSON: How was dancing? [GASPS.]
Henderson! What are you doing in my bathroom? Eating an apple.
I mean why are you doing in my bathroom? Waiting for my next assignment.
- And payment.
- There is no next assignment! Our business arrangement is over.
Marriage rekindled! Mission accomplished! Then I guess I should tell Stan everything and crush him.
It'll probably end your marriage.
Francine? I think you're gonna like this! - Guess what I am? - I need to come clean.
Guess, Francine.
Sex gargoyle? Nope.
Horse statue outside PF Chang's, A.
your favorite statue in the world.
You remembered! Oh, you're making this so hard.
Stan, there is something you need to know.
Hold that thought while I come clean about something.
It wasn't my idea to take you dancing.
I have an imaginary friend named Henderson.
He made me realize that you are my everything, and I never want to drift apart.
You were about to confess something? Oh, wow.
Stan, I once bought a bunch of 9th graders beer at a Blues Traveler concert.
Sounds like you're only confessing to one thing being a super cool lady.
Well, take some advice from a super cool lady.
Stan, get rid of your imaginary friend.
He's not real! But I am.
Who's Henderson? I know you didn't say "Henderson," so that didn't totally work, but you get the idea.
So just to clarify, you're getting rid of Henderson? Who's Henderson? [GASPS.]
There's paper on me! Get it off! Get it off! Don't move, Mom! It's stuck to your face! It's paper! [LINE RINGING.]
Well, here's the problem.
It's paper.
It's a love note from Stan.
"I took Henderson skydiving.
"He came from the heavens, and thither he shall return.
Text if you need tampons, my queen.
" - Aww.
- Aww.
- Uh.
What's happening? When do I get my parachute? You were the greatest friend a boy could ask for, but when a boy marries a girl, he doesn't need friends.
I realize that now.
I-I'm scared, Stan.
I want to go back down to the ground! You can go wherever you want.
You're imaginary.
What the hell are you doing? It's time for you to help some other boy the way you helped me.
I wasn't helping! Your dad hired me because he didn't love you! My imagination is so powerful! This must be what Jim Henson felt like wrestling with his ideas.
I'm a real man! My name is Hank Henderson, and I live in Flagstaff, Arizona.
You showed me your cards, Henderson.
Even I know that's not a real place.
Goodbye, Henderson, - and thank you! - [SCREAMS.]
Come on, Stan.
Don't do anything stupid.
- [SPLAT.]
Francine? No freaking way.
You're never gonna believe this.
Henderson landed on your car! Huh.
I figured he would disappear or something.
Realistic as hell.
My brain is a marvel.
Good thing you can't see this.
You'd be, like, freaking out.
There's that super cool lady I know and love.
Want to go dancing? I have the strangest feeling, but I can't put my finger on it.
Stan, I need you to listen to me without interrupting.
I live to serve you.
Henderson was hired by your dad to be your imaginary friend.
That guy on the hood is an actual dead man.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! My own father? What a great guy! What?! He hired a man to be my imaginary friend because he couldn't be there.
No! He lied to you, and I lied to you.
I paid Henderson to manipulate you into taking me dancing.
I murdered a man.
All you did was save our marriage.
Mind pumping the brakes? [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Just drive around that guy.
The reservation is in 20 minutes! What the hell is taking so long?! All of your design notes! I wouldn't have notes if you did it right the first time! How hard is it to make a fishbowl with one mongoose, two pickle ricks, and Kawhi Leonard in a Knicks jersey? [FIRE CRACKLES.]
Let's go! That glass is over 1,000 degrees.
- It needs to cool.
- There's no time.
We'll crank the van's A/C.
To Ruby Tuesday's! Danuta.
Sorry I'm late.
Better late than never.
Klaus, wow.
You look great.
Is that a new fish bowl? - [LAUGHS.]
I hope we're in the smoking section.
Waiter! Ice water immediately! - And for you? - Hmm.
I'll take hmm.
Let's make that order two ice waters.
I'll take a chardonnay.
You heard the lady.
Hurry! Ooh, wait.
On second thought, I'm coming off a bad relationship, and I feel like a dirty Martini.
Danuta! Come with me to the center of the earth! [LAUGHS.]
Buddy, you're back! You overheated! W-What happened to Danuta? She got a Bacon Bleu cheese burger, but it was so big, she dislocated her jaw trying to take a bite, and now she's at the hospital and might be dead.
Where's that burger? Did she finish it? Can't believe it's already Monday.
What did we even do this weekend? We killed Henderson.
Oh, yeah.
That was crazy.
How are you okay with this? A man is dead because of us.
If you're worried about getting caught, Dick already wiped Henderson off the grid.
As far as the government is concerned, he really was imaginary.
Forgot how to wink.
I'll never be the same.
Come to work with me, honey.
Our grief counselor works with PTSD every day.
Go away! Who are you? I'm Coach Cathy, the CIA grief counselor and coach of our softball team.
Stan sent me.
You can't help me.
Oh-ho, you sound like Tina Turbaco.
She was depressed she couldn't hit an inside curve ball.
Uh, who? What? Okay, let's see what we're working with here.
Ooh, still in your robe at 4:00 P.
? Drinking [SNIFFS.]
Popov from a coffee cup.
Ooh, and an ass that could stop a Mack truck.
Thank you? How you holding up? Bad! I killed a man.
Well, at least it was a man.
Let's be real, all guys are assholes.
Most guys, I guess.
There's a little sunshine peeking through.
Ha! Get on up out of that sofa! The van is running! On the hop! This this is where all your power comes from.
You play some ball in high school? I went to an all-girls school.
The dream.
What are we doing here? Don't question my process.
I need you to pick a number between 1 and 10.
I don't know, 7? - Mickey Mantle.
Don't get upset if you don't make contact.
Got this pup dialed up to about a 90.
You did it! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Come to mama! [LAUGHS.]
How did it feel when you ripped the tits off that baseball? Is that a real baseball talk? Do you remember when I asked you to pick a number? Yeah.
I picked 7.
The Mick.
But it was also the number of cruise missiles launched from the USS Wendigo into an Iraqi village at your command.
- What? - How does that feel? Knowing that you killed all those people? I actually don't feel anything.
I didn't know you were gonna do that.
And you didn't know Stan would throw Henderson off the plane.
Oh, my God.
You're right! None of this is my fault! Cathy, you are a-mah-zing.
Cathy was both my moms' names.
Call me coach.
I'm gonna call you "friend.
" Whose muddy cleats are on the porch? - They're Coach Cathy's! - Uh-huh.
Coach Cathy, Stan.
She cured me! Okay.
What? Coach Cathy, silly.
The CIA grief counselor you sent.
Coach Cathy? She totally cured me, and I hit a 90 mile-an-hour fastball! Oh, good.
That sounds real.
So do you feel like it's in your best interest, mental-health-wise, to keep up this relationship with Cathy? Coach Cathy? With coach? I don't know what I'd do without her.
Well, we don't want to find that out, so Welcome to our lives, Cathy.
Quit shaking her boob, Stan.
She likes girls.
Who doesn't? Bye! Have a beautiful time!
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