American Dad s17e01 Episode Script

1 When chimpanzees mate, their orgasms sound remarkably like human orgasms.
Hear for yourself.
Okay.
- Move it! - We're taking over.
But the chimpanzees' orgasms Sound just like humans.
Everybody knows! This is "Langley Dollar Listings"! And it's filmed here.
In Langley Heights, to be exact.
Very exclusive.
You would never be allowed up there, Steve.
Here are the realtors! Trad.
Lame.
Clephanie.
Lamer.
Vebastian.
Nice guy, horrible realtor.
- Trashelle - Trashelle Who's she? She's hands-down the best realtor.
She has the coolest car Ghost black Range Rover.
- the biggest heels - 10-inchers.
and the hottest boyfriend.
Tristan, a 19-year-old yoga model who's converting to Christianity for her even though he's never heard of it.
She's what I would be if I were a TV realtor.
Tough, smart, a stone-cold closer.
But the reason she's the best is because she's like me, dramatic! No, she's the best because she's so smart.
She always gets the right buyers through the door.
Nuh-unh.
It's the drama! You're so stupid, you remind me of clephanie.
I remind you of a bad bitch that drives a tricked-out Kia Sonata? Keep trying to insult me.
You're doing great.
Hyundai makes the Sonata.
Kia makes the Sorento.
Shut up, Steve, you're such a Vebastian! - Whoa! - Whoa! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Hey, Geric, what's up? That's Geric.
He runs the agency and gives out all the listings.
Oh, Trashelle, I've got some big news! I'm giving you the biggest listing in "Langley Dollar Listings" history Chateau Langley! Oh, my God! Chateau Langley is a 24-bedroom castle that overlooks the amazing Langley ravine and hasn't been on the market in 780 years.
That's, like, before Columbus Shut up! - I'm gonna go.
- Get out of here! Gahhh! Steve's terrible at watching TV.
Aquarium trip! I'm only paying for the first three people! Did I make it? Barely.
What's that? Fancy pour-over coffees I made for us.
Sorry, Jeff, I'm not interested.
Because it was made by you.
I understand.
I'll buy that cup of coffee off ya.
I was on my way to the coffee shop! Mmm, wow, this is amazing coffee! - How much? - One money.
Here you go! I would've paid way more.
There.
You got a little dollar, Jeff.
- Happy? - No! I'm gonna get a lot of little dollars! 'Cause I'm gonna start selling my coffee to people walking by on their way to the coffee shop right now! Instead of going to the aquarium? Yes.
'Cause that's how serious I am.
I'm willing to give up laughing at the sea otters for this.
Sorry, laughing with the sea otters.
Did we make the aquarium cut? Nobody's going to the aquarium.
I guess we're doing a coffee shop this week.
Oh, no! I got all dolled up to ask out that hot octopus.
You saw her on the news! She picked two of the last seven presidents.
As everyone knows, I recently gave Trashelle the Chateau Langley listing.
Boo! But as everyone doesn't know, Trashelle has gone missing! Alright, gang, the posters have been up for a solid couple hours.
It is time to for us to accept Trashelle is not coming back.
So let's all consider her dead.
That's why we're turning to you, loyal viewer! Instead of seeking a new agent through professional avenues, we're asking our viewers to audition! I'm Memphis Stormfront, and look at all these idiots standing in line, praying to be the newest realtor on the smash-hit show, "Langley Dollar Listings.
" 482 Stormfront! So long, loyal viewers.
I can finally admit I've always hated weather.
Even though I've been a realtor before, I stayed up watching all the Trashelle episodes so I could sound smart like her.
483 Francine! - Francine, that's you.
- Right! I was so focused on being smart I forgot my name for a second.
I know how to get the right buyers through the door.
- And how is that? - I actually don't know.
I was just saying that.
No, that's fine.
The attitude is right.
Can you tell me what these images are? Door, window, for-sale sign.
Thank you.
Send the next one in.
I'm Shebecca Escrow, and I'll do anything to sell a house.
I'll have sex with all the clients.
I'll have sex with all the buyers.
And I'll have sex with all of you.
Hmm.
I had so much fun make-believing I was a TV realtor today.
And now to eat at the same salad bucket the realtors on the show eat at.
A lot of people don't like salads 'cause they're not filling enough.
That's why I always order mine all-garbanzo.
This bad boy's about 30 pounds.
Should keep me going right into nap time.
Gotta be honest, pretty sure I got the job today.
I had sex with Geric and the other judge.
And then to make sure the job was mine, I also had sex with the cameraman and the door handle on the way out.
Hello? Yes! Great! That was Geric.
I got the job! They said they loved my personality and I was the only person to properly identify the images of the door, window, and the for-sale sign.
Window.
Ahhh! There's your [BLEEP.]
window! Ahhh! I'm the new agent, Francine.
I'm like a lemur monkey mostly business, but I will throw my own shit at you if I have to.
My first listing is a Danish modern owned by a super-rich pet dentist.
So nice to meet you! Guunther, my property manager, says you are the best! The most important thing is the home is made entirely of ancient Danish alderwood and must be kept at precisely 64.
2% humidity at all times thus the air-lock pressurization chamber.
There are many rules about who can enter the home which unfortunately I cannot go over with you now.
Grumpy cat has a cavity, and I must fly to Milan at once.
Isn't Grumpy cat dead? Okay, fine.
It's Grumpy cat's mistress.
Now you know everything! I trust Mr.
Umlaut filled you in on the home's unique attributes.
- Roger? - Guunther is the name.
Yes, "Guunther.
" Why don't you show me the house? Ah, ah, ah.
Before I show you the house, you must learn the rules of entry.
Oh this one's important "No shoes, no shirts, no problems.
" That's three separate rules.
Shoes scuff the floor.
Cotton shirts steal moisture.
And leave your problems at the door, because this home does not respond well to negative energy.
Geric, I'm having real problems selling that Danish house.
- Love it! - What? No, the business manager, Guunther, is making it impossible to even get buyers into the house.
Which makes for great television! I didn't become the fourth richest man in Langley by selling houses.
I made my fortune being a TV star.
That's where I know you from! Look, you just keep fighting with cinnamon-bun-hair, and I'll give you a second listing.
It's a sick mid-century bachelor pad that Another listing, eh? And she wasn't even gonna tell me, eh? When did I start saying "eh" so much, eh? How many tuna sandwiches did I have today, eh? Look at this fool, man.
It takes him forever to make a coffee.
Psh.
You know you and I could streamline his operation and double profits in a second.
Move it into the Garage, train a couple more people, - change the ordering system - Stop.
You had me at "Jeff, you have no say in this.
" I have an amazing new listing.
A mid-century bachelor pad perfect for a rich bachelor or a rich barren couple.
To pull in those desirable buyers, I'm gonna throw an extravagant '60s Martini party with a bar in the back.
Can I get a Martini? Just a sec, making a batch right now.
And what '60s party would be complete without a little acid? As you can see, indoor-outdoor living at its finest.
What the hell?! Roger! You dosed all these people! I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm Jameson McSmirnoff, bartender for hire.
Roger! Excuse me! I love this house.
Like, I am in love with it.
It has feelings and I have feelings and we have feelings for each other.
I have to buy this house.
I have the money.
I'll pay you double.
Please! You got in at the right time, Stan.
I don't know, Klaus, all that new equipment kinda set me back.
Now's the time to turn the profit.
You gotta cut costs.
Get cheaper beans.
And I know the place.
I got some boys down in B-town that said they can get me a deal.
Bogotá? Sounds legit.
We're in.
Cool.
You gonna tell Jeff? - No.
- Cool.
I'm feeling good.
Not only did I sell the mid-century bachelor pad, but I also think I have a buyer for the Danish house.
I thought you had a buyer.
I do.
He's right here.
On my phone.
Oh.
Then I guess you can bring him in.
Wait! Does he have proof of funds? Not only do I have the money but I have the funny! Is that the CEO of Octadual? He's funnier than I remember.
Oh, Francine! Just heard you sold that humid Danish house and cinnamon bun was pissed! Hey, I'm a closer.
That's why I'm giving you the dream listing, Chateau Langley! Thank you, Geric! I promise to make you and Trashelle proud.
Oh, yeah, Trashelle, my missing and presumed dead employee! Congratulations on your new listing, Francine.
How did you know I was here? Oh, I'm just following you 24/7 at this point.
- But I came to apologize.
- Really? Yes.
I shouldn't have interfered.
If I had just let you do real estate your dumb, boring way, you would have ruined the show and been fired.
I knew you weren't sorry! I was supposed to be the one that got the spot! I was the one that went to the open house and hid in a spice rack until it was over and pushed Trashelle into the ravine.
- Roger! - Quit the show, Francine.
Or I will make every day of your real-estate life hell.
I'll treat you fine at home, but - Oh, God! - Aah! Roger! Help! Aah! Francine! I hope she's okay.
Here's some cornnuts! I'll come get you in a couple months when I get bored of this.
I'm hungry.
Thank God I tied a string to those cornnuts.
Hey! Let go! Aaah! I've said it before, and I'll say it again Thank God I tied a string to these cornnuts! Good, you're up.
Trashelle? A fan.
And you are? Francine.
I actually took your spot on the show after you disappeared.
And I know the person that pushed you down here.
That little goblin woman? Yes.
I'm so sorry you're down here.
Don't be! Getting pushed in the ravine was the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Don't you miss real estate? Oh, I'm still in real estate.
I'm selling trees like crazy out here.
I just helped a growing squirrel family buy their first oak this morning.
Makes it all worth it.
How do squirrels buy things? It's a pretty complicated currency system based on the disputed weight of an average acorn.
Trashelle, you have a big bump on your head.
I do? Where? Alalalalalala.
But, hey, you know what they say about squirrel real estate It's nuts! Oh, no.
Alright, Langley Listings real estate, major announcement! Hey, where's Geric? Why isn't he our boss anymore? Shut up, Trad! I run the show now! Everyone needs to stop fixating on Geric and his whereabouts and start focusing on tomorrow's big event Tristan's baptism! Where am I? I got Trashelle's fiancé, Tristan, and tomorrow he is gonna convert to Christianity for me! It'll be the biggest event in "Langley Dollar Listings" history! This is so weird.
Can I please go back to my condo? If I don't show up on Thursday, my spin class will come looking for me.
No, Clephanie, you can't.
We're all gonna stay here and hook up and fight so we have a lot of drama tomorrow.
Vebastian, kiss Trad on the lips.
Uh, no! Drama! Are you getting my good side? Trick question.
I have two good sides.
It's my front that's the problem.
Well, better start climbing.
Damn.
Sure is steep.
Oh that reminds me! I have something for you.
Chonkers! Your famous 10-inch heels?! They're super sharp and will help you climb out.
Plus they're pretty unwieldy out here.
I actually accidentally killed a client of mine backing up the other day.
You sure you don't want to go back with me? No.
No, I'm not.
Now go be the star of "Langley Dollar Listings"! And tell Tristan I'll always love him.
Until his mid-20s! Whoo! I got to hand it to you Klaus, with the Colombian beans you ordered, we're moving a lot more cups.
Yeah, people like this coffee a lot more than Jeff's.
People are passionate about this coffee.
Yesterday a guy said he'd blow me for a cup.
I'll do a lot more than that! That was my opening offer! Cup of Joe for my hard-workin' brethren at the DEA? We have reason to believe cocaine has been coming into the country through coffee shipments to this store, and the coffee itself may be coated in cocaine.
- Ohhhh.
- Makes sense.
Shut it down! Can we still go to the aquarium? And now, by the powers vested in me by tendollarreverend.
com, I baptize thee! No, please.
Yoga's my religion! But you'd convert for Trashelle.
I loved her! I don't even know who you are! Yay! You're Christian now! Stop this baptism at once! Hey, that's the lady we worked with for a little while.
Francine, you're okay! I came to take the show back.
Oh, look who's all empowered now.
Whoever captures her gets three extra close-ups an episode! You should be stopping her! She pushed Trashelle into the bottom of the ravine where she's still alive and well ish.
- Praise Jesus! - That's a lie! And even if it isn't, she certainly has no proof.
Trashelle's heels! I don't like this drama.
This is bad drama.
That's the state-of-the-art home security lockdown function! We gotta get out of here! Help! Oh, thank God! It's like "The Descent" in here! I never saw that movie.
Yes, you did.
We saw it together! That was "Hostel"! No, we saw "Descent" because we liked "Hostel.
" You know what? Forget it.
Just promise me you'll quit the show and I'll let you go.
Never! I think I know a way out.
- Where are we? - The east wing.
We just passed the dog gym.
That would be perfect for my French bulldog.
She's gotten too fat for her wedding dress.
Ow, my feet! The floor is burning! The whole house has heated floors! He must've jacked them way up.
Come on! Jump! The home still has many of the original medieval passages.
Gotta be honest, guys.
You found a room with no camera in it.
Your feet burnin' off yet? You ready to give up? Francine, thank you for saving my life.
And for selling this house.
You're welcome, but I didn't sell the house.
But you did, to me! This place has everything I've been looking for in a house.
That's why I started "Langley Dollar Listings" in the first place.
Only one problem.
You can't buy it, because you're at the bottom of the ravine.
- No, I'm not - Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaah! Tristan saved my life.
Did you let him out of the cage? No.
It was me, Francine! Good ol' Chonkers! I always had a thing for you.
Alalalala.
So, you guys got the show canceled? Yeah, and they replaced it with some lame new show.
Hey, I'm in this show.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!