American Dad s17e04 Episode Script

1 I love when our moms have book club.
They talk books, and we have - Weeknight sleepovers! - Weeknight sleepovers! Two best friends, just doing their thang, making collages or whatnot.
While my mom gets too drunk to drive me home.
"Treasure Island"! What'd you think? So good! How crazy was Gonzo's story arc?! - Gonzo? - Yeah! When they pulled him down from the sail and his fuzzy blue arms got all stretched out and he snapped back like a window blind! Dut-dut-dut-dut-dut-dut-dut.
That's good writing.
Francine, did you watch "Muppet Treasure Island" instead of reading the book? Yes.
But it's basically the same thing.
There's no muppets in the book! That sounds boring.
Steve, I don't want to bore you with the math.
Oh, by all means, do.
These biweekly book club meetings account for almost 40% of our friendship.
Snot, you've confirmed what I've always suspected.
Weeknight sleepovers are the cornerstone of our friendship.
The fact our moms are friends makes us the luckiest boys in the universe.
Do you like the way I drew the letters? They look like they came out of a magazine, right? You're out of your mind if you think Gonzo's a dog.
He's blue.
He woofed when he saw the treasure! Sometimes I think we don't have anything in common.
Are we just pretending to get along because our sons are friends? I think so.
Maybe we can stop? Let's never hang out again! Steve! We have an exciting announcement.
Snot's mom and I have decided to stop pretending to be friends.
Pretending? Yep! Book club is canceled forever.
A 40% decrease in friendship? Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Please, you have to stay friends! Think of the children! No one's saying you two can't be friends.
Why does it matter if we are? Well, I don't want to bore you with the math, Mrs.
Smith Please, don't.
Listen, maybe you just need to clear the air.
Why don't we talk about what bothers you about each other? I'll start.
She's never seen "Muppet Treasure Island," which is a big problem for me.
Book club is just an excuse for you to get shithosed! You brought your own bartender! Paul Gary's the name, mixologist is the game! I've got aperol spritzes.
Boiling hot aperol spritzes! He's not even a good bartender! Aperol spritzers are served cold! What are you, the aperol spritzers police?! I'm sorry, I'm defensive because you're right.
I'm a terrible mixologist! Let's go, Steve.
Our friendship will survive this, right? I'll need to crunch the numbers.
If Paul Gary isn't a mixologist, then who is he? This is the beginning Shh! beginning of a deeply personal journey.
This is Get over yourselves! my story.
Cheer up, Steve.
We can still be friends even if our moms aren't.
Your moms aren't friends anymore? Well, I'm out.
I am not gonna watch your friendship fall apart.
What are you talking about? Your moms being friends is the glue holding the two of you together.
It's like on the show "Friends.
" Remember how their friendship was held together by a deep mutual love of being paid a million dollars an episode? That's your moms.
That's That's crazy.
Toshi, tell him.
Toshi? Toshi! Say something! I speak fluent English and have the whole time.
Hey, guys, are your moms friends? Uh, was "The Poisonwood Bible" written by Barbara Kingsolver? We're not losing Barry and Toshi.
How do we fix this? May I suggest drugging the moms? Are you the bartender from my mom's house? Sort of.
You see, I'm on a deeply personal journey to find out who I am.
Okay.
Paul Gary isn't a mixologist, so I enrolled at Pearl Bailey to use the chemistry lab.
Because I am now A.
Paul Gary, drug mixologist.
I mix illegal narcotics together to see what they do.
And recently, I came across something interesting.
I was working in my lab late one night, when my eyes beheld an eerie sight.
That's "Monster Mash," right? You're doing "Monster Mash"? Never heard of it.
Anyway, I was working in the lab late one night When my eyes beheld an eerie sight I had acid on a tab, weed in a bag A splash of ether on a rag - He did the mash - He did the mash I did the narcotics mash - Narcotics mash - Narcotics mash It was a coked-out bash This is "Monster Mash"! I don't know that song! I don't know any songs! All I do know is your moms are milds mothers I'd like to drug.
And the mash I discovered in my lab works as a love drug.
Drugs can make people fall in love? Drugs can do almost anything once you realize they're super good for you.
Anyway, I'm proposing we dose your moms with the love drug and make them fall back in love! And it will work? Steve, are you actually thinking about doing this? - What other options do we have? - I don't know! We only brainstormed for like two seconds before we started talking to this guy.
Snot's in! Love that enthusiasm! I'll mix up the drugs, and you two trick your moms - into meeting up! - They did the mash Aah! Scary song! I can't believe the "Impractical Jokers" are doing a meet-and-greet in Langley Falls! Yeah, well, it's true.
Steve, you seem nervous.
Wait, are you worried the jokers are gonna joke you? Don't flatter yourself.
No one's putting a hot dog in your pocket.
Now, remember, Snot, when we meet the jokers, you're my nephew.
Francine.
Shove! Drugs! - What is this? - Don't leave me in here Congrats on a perfectly executed drugging, boys.
To the 33rd floor! - Whoa.
- I really hope this works.
Did you even notice that I basically teleported us up here? I was impressed.
Thank you, Snot's mom's kid.
Now, by the time these doors open, your moms will be fast friends, unless the dose is too strong.
Are you two prepared to see your moms hooking up? I'm not saying it's what I want to see, but I won't be disappointed.
Well, I hope you two What is happening?! They're worse than before! This might not be a love drug.
Yeah, this is meth.
I made meth.
Welp, when in Rome Aah! Well, this is surprising.
So to get us to be friends, you drugged us?! I don't want you seeing Snot anymore.
He's a terrible influence on you! - What?! - No way! I forbid Snot from seeing Steve! He's the one who started calling him Snot, and now everyone says it! No, mom! Please, it was my fault.
It's my fault! Don't do this! But it's really my fault.
I'm a terrible drug mixologist.
Will A.
Paul Gary ever know who he's supposed to be? My story continues.
Well, I'm off.
Goodbye, father.
Goodbye, sister.
Goodbye, fish.
Damn, he left out mother.
Don't try to sneak around with Snot at school! I will find out! We're finally getting rid of Snot? Good.
That kid is the worst.
- Stan, you love Snot.
- I do? Yeah, I think your "Memento"-style amnesia is acting up.
You need to check your tattoos.
- - Interesting.
- - Concerning.
Oh, yeah! Why are we getting rid of Snot? He's the best! Because mom can't put her son ahead of her selfish wants.
That's how it started.
But then someone decided to drug their mom.
Oh, if it was so awful, then why did you and Roger finish the baggie and go to that warehouse party?! I had no choice but to dance it off! "You appreciate your family.
" That doesn't sound right.
No, it doesn't.
Gosh, our moms did not respond well to getting dosed, huh? No kidding.
My mom told me I couldn't even see you at school.
Rule breakers! Last night, I got a phone call from your mom, Smith.
This friendship has always weirded me out, and I am on board with tearing it apart! Billy! Here are your new schedules.
Zero classes together.
Billy, why are you helping him? I've already got the stitches.
Might as well be a snitches.
- Aah! - Aah! Aah! What are we going to do? Lewis is everywhere.
We could build a friendship here.
This stall isn't so bad.
I'm doing a "Trainspotting"! Steve and Snot, two friends, both alike in stupidity.
Busted as hell! Since you can't be trusted, I'll be escorting Smith to his next class.
Aah! Steve! What are you doing here? I can't sit at home knowing you're down the road staring up at the same stars as me! I actually don't look at the stars that often.
They've always kind of bored me.
That's right, chuckle heads! I'm patrolling your houses, too! Run! Go in on foot, Billy! I'll cut them off on the other side.
I think we lost him.
End of the road for my hypocrisy.
I, too, know what it is to be in love.
I wouldn't say we're in love.
But my father forbids our union.
I don't know why.
He created her! Isn't she beautiful? - Yeah, yeah, super pretty.
- Uh-huh, totally.
Now go! Wait! He needs to think you overpowered me.
I know violence isn't in your nature, but Eat knuckles, freak! You went easy on me, Steve! Ma'am.
Psst.
Over here! - Wait, this is that bartender again.
- Mixologist.
And, yes, I'm still on a deeply personal journey to discover who I'm supposed to be.
But I think I've figured it out! And I've gone full apothecary! That's right! A.
Paul Gary is now A.
Poth E.
Cary, dealing in potions and poisons.
Which, at the moment, are a little difficult to tell apart because my label maker is garbage.
I hear you've got a real "Romeo and Juliet" problem.
Well, I have a "Romeo and Juliet" solution fake your deaths! Uhh Yes! There's that famous Snot enthusiasm! You see, on this shelf, I've got thousands of unlabeled potions and poisons.
This will put you in a deep slumber, indistinguishable from death.
When you're found "dead," your mothers will blame themselves.
We'll time it so you wake up at your own funeral, and then you pop out of your coffins, and they'll be so relieved, they'll let you be friends again! Steve, we can't do this.
The love drug was a disaster.
Disaster? This guy's acting like you didn't see me punching myself in the dick.
We don't have another choice.
Okay, let's do it.
Wait.
That one was the poison.
There.
There.
There.
Actually, whoa.
Here's the potion.
All the little ones are full of poison I think.
But let's just decide to feel confident.
Steve and Snot had a friendship so close that they died in each other's arms, clinging so tight that they could not be separated.
Now they will be laid to rest together, in one big-ass coffin.
Francine, I'm so sorry.
All I had to do was pretend to like you, and none of this would have happened! No, Snot's mom.
I'm sorry.
I'd spend an eternity pretending to like you if it meant Steve would be alive again.
After our loved ones move on, do we ever see them again on this earth? Most people say no, but I say, sometimes we get a second chance! Hmm.
Shit.
I must've given them poison.
How could that have happened? Everyone, I have an announcement.
This is actually a real funeral.
This is a strange eulogy.
Uh, second announcement I'm not a good apothecary.
My story marches onward.
Please don't let Roger speak at my funeral.
Guys, I know you're sad about Snot, but let me turn that grief into relief, that sadness into gladness, that sorrow into "the sun'll come out tomorrow".
Huh, I'm good at these.
Wait! I was gonna tell you something! You know how I've been on this crazy adventure trying to nail down this persona? - Uh-huh! - Well, I got it! Apothe-Carrie Bradshaw, sex blogger! I couldn't help but wonder, would Steve be alive if I hadn't accidentally poisoned him? But sometimes that's how it goes when you're "Sex and the City.
" - You poisoned Steve?! - And Snot! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy! If you really miss him, we can get him back.
What the hell are you talking about?! We can go to the underworld and get him back.
The underworld?! No mortal knows the path to the underworld! Yeah-huh! There's an elevator in the back of Sub Hub.
They had a promotion in the '80s where they were sending people to hell.
Now that my two favorite sad moms have put their differences aside, it's time to get their boys back.
Then maybe brunch? We still have to find out who sold them poison.
No, we don't! Stay focused.
Now, through this door lies the entrance to the underworld.
Join me on the elevator.
Or hell-evator, as those Sub Hub marketing geniuses referred to it in the summer of '87.
Here's how it works everyone gets sent to different floors based on how they lived their lives.
There's a floor for philanderers, gossips, heretics.
Oh! There's a Cinnabon on six! - Roger! - Okay, okay! Someone's in a hurry to find their dead son.
I think this should be it.
Snot's mom, Steve's mom, welcome to the floor for masturbators.
I mean, it makes sense That was horrifying! Hmm, no Steve and Snot.
Also, strange it's just a twisted landscape full of guys cranking it.
Doesn't seem like a punishment.
More like a really good warehouse party.
- Which floor is next? - Sodomites.
I'd recommend waiting here.
Roger! - Did you stop at the Cinnabon? - Yep.
And even better, I finally figured out who Paul Gary is.
A sodomite! My journey has come to an end! Oh, interesting.
The eighth floor is just for nibbling tush.
My journey might just be getting started! Roger! Where are the boys? I'm out of ideas.
Maybe we just talk to the man in charge? And then no matter what he tells us, we can circle back to the tush nibbling floor.
And I'm sending my e-mail now.
Okay, what are we doing here? What do we need? We're looking for our sons.
I will take you to them.
They are with the worst of the worst.
The floor for people who support live comedy.
I didn't say a billion oil tankers.
I said a billion oil tankers! Oops, I told that wrong! That's my time! Alright! Keep it going for Crazy Dave.
Up next, he's the only comedian down here Crazy Dave! Just a reminder, guys.
This is a punishment for me, too.
There they are! - Steve! - Mom! - Snot! - Snot's mom! You're coming home.
Who says we want to go? Yeah, down here, no one says we can't be friends.
You can be friends back home.
Steve, I'm sorry.
As a mother, I should've put you first.
And it was wrong of me to do something that made you die.
I'm sorry, too, Snot.
Children should be alive.
Wow, you guys really have learned your lesson.
I love you, mom.
Let's go home.
Not so fast! I can't just release souls back into the world of the living.
A bargain must be struck! Yow! That was sick! Your refusal to spend time together started Steve and Snot on the journey that led them here.
If you want them to go back, you must stay behind in this room together.
Ugh, really? For how long? For eternity! I heard you at the funeral! You said you would! But they'll be miserable without their mothers! They won't remember you.
No one will.
It will be as if you never existed.
But they will be alive.
And they'll have each other? We accept.
Okay, great! That's great.
Just a bit of business In a half-hour or so, one of my archangels is actually gonna need this room, so we'll probably have to move you to another room.
No, you know what? I'm the devil, I'm the boss.
You're gonna stay here.
He can go to another room.
You know what? I should ask.
Hey, wanna stay over at my single dad's house tonight? Weeknight sleepover! I'll call my sisterless uncle! In a different timeline, you have different tattoos.
That makes sense.
Francine loves "Muppet Treasure Island.
" Francine? Who is Francine! Bye! Have a great time!