American Dad s17e06 Episode Script

American Graffito

1 Hayley.
Hayley, wake up.
It's a horrible family emergency! What?! God what?! The emergency is your life isn't going anywhere, so we're going to get you some drive.
We're going for a drive? In a car? No, we're going for a walk.
In our bodies.
As you know, every day I leap out of bed and fly into my slippers.
Of course, your "leap of faith.
" It shakes the whole house.
But what you don't know is every morning before my leap, I take a brisk walk around Langley's historic Gaslamp district to get the blood up and the laziness down.
You go on this walk and then get back in bed? This healthy routine gives me the drive I need to have a successful career.
I want that for you, too.
But I already have a successful career at Subhub.
They even trust me enough to let me have a key.
A key to where? The bathroom.
Just as I feared.
The room so awful it's where we hide our disgusting toilets.
Hayley, Subhub is not a career.
It's a dead-end.
But I'm showing you a way out, complete with breakfast at a little place I like to call Johnny Fifties! I remember this place! We used to come here all the time.
Johnny, my man! Gimme a piece of toast, and mash up these peas for me.
But only if you promise not to charge me for the peas.
They're my property, Johnny.
I won't pay for what's already mine, Johnny.
Again, Stan, my name is Sal.
The restaurant is Johnny Fif Ooh, I'll have a shortstack of pan No, the food is terrible.
You just come to soak up that authentic 1990s-style '50s atmosphere.
Stan, I've got some bad news.
We're closing.
Closing?! How could this be?! Well, people just don't care about 1950s nostalgia anymore.
Or maybe we'd have survived if, I dunno, every day you bought something more expensive than toast.
Johnny, 86 the toast.
You can't expect people to eat after getting terrible news like that! No! No! Stop the music! Not today, big brass band! Shut up! Shut up! You okay up there, Mr.
Smith? Johnny Fifties is going under.
It's bad news, or to put it in terms you'll understand, bad music.
Well, if you love the place so much, maybe you could give them a loan? I just don't know where I'd find the money.
Anyway, you and the boys take the rest of the week off, fully paid of course.
Well it's official, gang.
I have hep C.
I think it's time for some major lifestyle changes Red alert! Family emergency! What?! God what?! I'm too upset to say what the emergency is.
I must carve it.
J O Oh, it's about Johnny Fifties closing.
I heard him tell the bandleader.
Oh, yeah, Johnny Fifties! Their food sucks.
And no shock top.
Okay, my fingers hurt.
It's Johnny Fifties.
I cannot let this restaurant close.
- Why? - Well, for one thing, it's part of my morning routine.
But also, let's be honest.
I'm a '50s kind of guy.
Exhibit A my suit.
Oh, yeah, your suit is sort of '50s.
For a '50s guy like me, letting Johnny Fifties close would be like admitting the '50s were over.
But the '50s are over! Don't you get it?! If you're truly nostalgic, nothing is ever over! As someone who was alive back then with a Wolfman Jack-type radio DJ persona and a number-one doo wop hit, I think Stan's onto something.
Look around this house, guys.
Not a lot of love for the '50s.
He's right.
No jell-o molds.
No hula hoops! Plus, you're not watching TV while you eat! And even if you were, "Happy Days" is never on! Uhp, there it is, but it's a bad one, doesn't count too much Potsie.
That's it! If I'm going to save the restaurant You have to improve the food? I need to get people to love the '50s again! There's no time to lose! Did you know glory holes were much, much larger in the '50s? One time me and both Everly Brothers stuck our junk in one together all at the same time.
And you know who was on the other side? The Big Bopper.
At least that's what it felt like, I never saw him.
- Aah! Aah! - Aah! Aah! What? Never seen a successful person before? Is this supposed to be like dad's "leap of faith" out of bed? It's a natural expression of drive.
The regional manager's coming to Subhub today and I am gonna show him, and dad, that I've got what it takes to get ahead.
S throws our food on the ground and she jumps all over the table? Someone's gotta say it.
They made a mockery of breakfast.
As your regional manager, I'm here because by now, most of you have seen the leaked documents referring to your positions as "dead-end jobs.
" Uh, what documents? It doesn't matter.
The point here is your jobs are not dead-ends.
Yes, dead-ender in the back.
So are we allowed to drink the oranginas or what? Give me a promotion! I've got the keys to success! Or should I say the bathroom? Pee pee? Poo pee? What's your pleasure? Tell me what you need, what Subhub needs, and I am on it.
Well, we would like to open a new location in the hugely-desirable- nearly-impossible-to-find- an-open-space-in Gaslamp district.
I know just the place.
Johnny Fifties is closing and Subhub can take its place! Great idea! You're promoted! The rest of you demoted! You live here now and get paid in pepperoni.
According to math, Johnny Fifties can stay afloat for eight weeks.
And we're gonna need every minute of it to get people to love the '50s again.
'Cause you really have to love the '50s to stomach your signature nauseating burgers.
I mean you no disrespect, Johnny.
My name is Sal.
I call it "Operation '50s heat up: Get 'em interested in the '50s and save Johnny Fifties!" What if we call it "Operation '50s fever"? Horrible idea.
Klaus, you're going to Milwaukee to get the statue of Arthur Fonzarelli, aka the Bronze Fonz.
I need it! Go now! I don't really need the Fonz statue.
We just can't have Klaus around sloshing his bowl water all over everyone's classic cars.
Everyone will have classic cars? And more! Here's some concept art I had made to inspire us.
Cruisin' cars, lawn darts, asbestos chunks, Johnny Fifties bursting with hungry Fonzie impersonators.
Stan, you seem to be leaning pretty heavily on Fonzie.
Um, people also like, I don't know, Elvis? Oh, you mean singing Fonzie.
Good idea! I always wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe and have an air vent blow my dress up! You'll do it! And Roger, you do your old Wolfman Jack DJ persona.
That persona was unforgettable.
What was his name again? Wolfman Puck? No, that's not it.
Don't worry, it'll come to me on the air.
Jeff, you're a beatnik, and Steve, you can be a nerd or "square.
" Easy.
True to the time period, I'll put tape on my glasses to make them appear broken No need! Just like James Dean, I pulled my punch so I only hurt the glasses.
No you didn't! Hayley, you can be Spudnik.
He was a very famous potato.
Dad, you won't believe this.
Your walk gave me drive.
And that drive got me a job as manager of a new Subhub opening where Johnny Fifties used to be! But Johnny Fifties is where Johnny Fifties used to be.
Not for long.
After I told them it was closing, Subhub sweet-talked the landlord into taking over the lease in two days! But two days isn't nearly enough time for my plan! Aren't you happy for me? Happy? You betrayed me.
You're trying to destroy a place I love.
So, you don't like it when I don't have drive, and you don't like when I do have drive.
What even is this? Operation '50s fever? My original idea Klaus was never here.
Blueprints for a leather jacket? A list of places for beaver to leave it? This plan is so stupid.
Thank God I commissioned concept art for every possible betrayal.
This is exactly how I feel, right down to my giant ass! I can't let her do this to me.
New plan! Oh, good, that one was kinda stupid The old plan, faster! We'll do Operation '50s fever in 48 hours! Why have I pinned my hopes on this fool? Would a fool get concept art of himself dressed as a court jester pleading with the king not to cut his head off for not having enough bells on his jester hat? I'm a goner! Welp, lesson learned.
Shoulda had more bells.
Y Stan needs Langley to catch a baaad case of '50s fever or else Hayley will be proven right that Stan's plan to save Johnny Fifties is a stupid, stuuuupid plan.
You heard it from me, uh What's my name again? The '50s was so long ago.
Wolfboy George? Did I mention Hayley thinks Stan's plan is stupid? Gah! I feel betrayed by Hayley all over again! - And by you! - Why me?! Because you're here talking my ear off when you should be buying extra food for when I ignite '50s fever! But Stan, I'm bankrupt You don't say you're "bankrupt," Daddy-O.
You say you're "on the skids.
" I like your plan.
And I love not wearing seatbelts.
Aah! The CIA's Cuban operations really came through with these classic cars on short notice.
Paging Mr.
Bega, can you say "Mambo number '50s"? Plenty more where that came from.
Like a Greaser, I've got goodies rolled up all over my body.
Pack of raisins.
Box of Goobers in my waistband.
Aah! Where are all the contestants?! You had one simple job, Steve.
To gather 500 to 600 professional Fonzie impersonators on an hour's notice.
How was I supposed to get the word out? You won't let me use my computer! Before there was e-mail, there was just plain tell-e-grams.
And we attached them to the infamously dangerous lawn darts.
Infamously dangerously fun.
Have faith, son.
Trends always start with one single brave cool guy.
But this time it's not James Dean.
It's James me Enough of these faulty toothpicks! It's time to show Hayley just how wrong she is.
Okay, one more try.
Oh, Marilyn! Time to walk over that normal vent! I'm in a hurry! Outta my way! Whoa, the air's so hot! My genitals! Aaaaaaagh! Hey, let's play chicken! Whoa! Someone shred that guy and slather him in hot mayonnaise and marshmallows, because he's a chicken, and that's my recipe for Chicken Ambrosia.
Here's one that never fails to spark '50s fever Passing a milkshake between cars.
I can't reach you! I like bongos! Too thick! The way it used to be! Aah! Ribs broken by steering column The way it used to be.
Yes! Yay! With '50s fever failing to catch, it looks like Subhub's new location is all but a certainty, which means I'm really gonna be a manager! With a manager's salary.
And a manager's mansion.
Who is this concept artist everyone's using? None of this would be possible without you.
My rod is too hot! And the Goobers in my pants melted! Yeah.
None of this would be possible without me.
You feel bad for a man who doesn't want his daughter to live in a mansion? The best type of house?! It's all Hayley's fault! I should've known she'd mess up having drive like she has everything else in her life.
That's it.
You're live on the air with some kinda wolf Dad, I know you're listening, and I want you to know I'm with people who appreciate my drive so much I'm getting a mansion.
For our listeners who don't know, that's the best type of house.
So just give up now and stop embarrassing yourself! Another caller! This isn't over, Hayley.
The fever is catching.
It's the loser '50s guy! He's cheating and using a cellphone! Loser? Maybe free asbestos will change your mind! The miracle molecule of the '50s! - Ugh! - And, uh It's only gonna get more feverish when people see, uh a James Dean type like me in a classic teenage knife fight up at the old observatory! DJ, play a song of betrayal.
I wanna dedicate it to my daughter.
Betrayal is a terrible thing The pain can last so long Oh, the devil's gonna poke you in your giant ass And your daughter's gonna cheer him on Watch out, teens! This rebel's gonna cause you to love the '50s! Oh, my God! You stabbed me! It's just a nick! Please like this so I can prove my daughter wrong! Please, I beg you! I'm not crazy! I just really love a restaurant.
That's him! The bowzer from Sha Na Na lookalike who pooped his pants! James Dean Goobers.
Yeah, that's what they all say.
We've got a warrant for your arrest and plenty of witnesses.
Before you arrest me, I just want to say none of that stuff I did was wrong in the '50s.
You could get away with all kinds of crazy stuff because We didn't know that was bad yet We didn't know that could kill ya Turn back the page to an innocent age We didn't know it was wrong You threw a lawn dart in my skull! We didn't know it was wrong! You stabbed my son! We didn't know, we didn't know You threw asbestos in my face! Now you're insulated, dude My genitals! Wow, you're howdy doody smooth Turn back the page to an innocent age We didn't know it was wrong But what if someone gets hurt? The nurses all wear funny hats! What about the rampant sexism and racism? It was wrong then and it is wrong now and in our new '50s, it isn't allowed! The Fonzies came! - Ay - Ay - Ay - Ay We're Fonzies and we're here to say - Ay - Ay - Ay - Ay '50s fever's here to stay I get it! The '50s were about willful ignorance! Now you're razzin' my berries! So I don't have to go to school? That was the opposite of cool And I can litter on the ground? I call it nature's lost and found And I can eat trans fats? Some say that's where the flavor's at So I can stab my son? It's just a Nick, and yes, it's fun! So I can drink and drive? Fonzie did it all the time - Ay! Ay! - Ay! Ay! Turn back the page to an innocent age We didn't know it was wrong Now that you've ignited '50s fever, what's next, Stan? Going to Johnny Fifties, saving it at long last? Too soon.
These people aren't hungry enough yet to choke down that wretched slop.
Everyone, to the sock hop! It's over, Hayley.
Everyone can't have '50s fever.
My God, it's happening in here! Wail on that black forest ham, Big Daddy! Welp, we're throwing in the towel.
Subhub corporate is as quick to give up as we are to celebrate.
Why would he do this to me? He wanted me to have drive.
Wait Drive Time to fight '50s with '50s.
Aah! Now that you've danced yourselves ravenous and would eat trash like wild boars, let's go save Johnny Fift I challenge you to a drag race! If I win the race, Subhub takes over Johnny Fifties.
Ha! Why would I accept that when I already have everything I want? Because '50s honor demands it.
'50s honor! '50s honor! Okay! Okay! '50s honor, which I've just heard of, is everything to me! Let's drag! Everyone's finally tuning into me, Dogboy Chuck, as we all wonder who will win the big drag race.
It's Stan vs.
Hayley, Johnny Fifties vs.
Subhub, past vs.
future, today's glory holes vs.
giant '50s "Looney Tunes"-sized glory holes where you can just wave at the guy or the gal on the other side.
Hayley, before I win, I should finally be honest with you.
I wish Fonzie was my daughter.
You're sick, Dad.
And Fonzie is really more of a '70s icon! Fonzie, Chachi, Potsie, Richie, Fonzie, Chachi, Potsie, Richie! Don't! These cars are death traps! Don't worry, Steve.
I've had my mechanics working all night.
Show 'em, boys! - Ay! - Ay! Ay! Safe enough for ya, Steve? And I'm DJ Apeman Snack, the voice of a generation and the face of a genera Damn it, you can't see my face on the radio.
I'll text you all a picture of my face using Amber alert technology.
Look at it even if you're driving.
Sorry if my dick is also in the picture.
Don't let that shock you off the road.
And take off those seatbelts, it's the '50s! Vietnam's around the corner and it's gonna git ya! And now the song you've all been waiting for, my very own number-one hit from 1958, "Drag Race Angels"! This one's dedicated to Stan and Hayley.
Drag race angels A father who's mean Drag race angels A daughter who dreams Wait a second, I know this song.
It was our song! Remember when Hayley Was just a little girl? You'd eat at Johnny Fifties And drink a malt with two straws You love these memories Not the '50s, you crazy drag race angel Wow.
This song really takes me back.
And a lot of the lyrics make more sense now than ever.
I loved Johnny Fifties because of the time I spent there with Hayley.
But I can spend time with her now! Must kill Dad! Eesh.
Or maybe I can't.
Man, how would Fonzie fix this? Ay! Nay! The Bronze Fonz, Stan! I took some '50s-style benzos and drove to Milwaukee and back in one day! Johnny Fifties is saved! Oh, my God! Dad, are you okay? Oh, Hayley, forgive me.
I haven't been James Dean or James me.
I've been plain old James mean.
Dad, you you might have brain damage.
One of your pupils is so big.
That's because I'm looking at someone I love so big.
Hayley, I want you to know I support you wherever your drive takes you next, Subhub or no Subhub.
The toothpicks are back! I'm gonna drive you to the hospital.
I spy with my little eye a table! Aww, it's our table! Table angels They love each other now Don't worry about Sal He sells Chicken Ambrosia, wow He's a billionaire Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Bye-bye! See you soon!
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