American Dad s17e16 Episode Script

1
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Barry, my bud,
we just wanted to check-in
before our jet blasts off.
We're trusting you with
the house while we're gone,
- honey.
- Just use your best judgment.
I judge these canapes to be delicious.
And easy to say.
Canapes.
Easy on the tongue,
in two different ways.
Check it out! For our quiet night in,
I made "kuh-nap-plops" dammit!
Barry, baby, "quiet night-in"?
"Kuhnapplops"?
What are you talking about?
We got your parents'
house to ourselves
Your parents' party house.
And Steve and Toshi
leave tomorrow to pitch
their bowties for babies idea
on "Shark Tank."
We gotta party.
It's true, Barry. We must party.
- This mini fridge is stocked with energy drinks.
- No way.
Those are my parents'
"freak fuels" for sex time.
- They're off limits.
- And
your dad's hifi stereo
is begging to be played.
Absolutely off limits!
My dad loves his stereo
more than poonani!
His words!
Barry, nothing's off limits.
Nothing? But why?
Because you're Barry.
You're a pushover, dude.
It's like what we love most about you.
Steve, show Barry what I mean.
You guuuuys.
You can do it,
let me show you how to do it ♪
You can do it,
let me show you how to do it ♪
You can do it,
let me show you how to do it ♪
- [LAUGHS]
- Push, push ♪
- [SPEAKERS SQUEAL]
- Push, push ♪
[POP]
My dad's speakers!
Barry, chill, it's not that bad
Nope, these are ruined forever.
Snot, I need you to run
damage control on this one.
"Shark Tank Junior" has a strict
"no bad boys" policy,
so Tosh and I gotta distance ourselves
from this cluster[BLEEP].
Is that true, Toshi?
N-n-n-n-no,
Toshi doesn't really talk anymore.
♪♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- Good ♪
- Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪♪
We're-trusting-you-with-the-house-Barry.
Use-your-best-judgement-Barry.
You're-so-screwed-Barry!
Barry, get your head out of the speaker!
You're right, Snot.
My head should be in the oven!
I'm gonna kill myself
before my dad kills me!
Hey, no one's killing Barry, Barry.
Look, I searched Craigslist
and found the exact same model speakers.
Restored JCL 100s.
No way!
There's dinner rolls in here.
Just text the guy.
"Hi. I'm interested in the
speakers you have for sale."
- [CELLPHONE WHOOSHES]
- Now we wait.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- "I heard you want
to buy some speakers."
Now we go.
♪♪
Uh, I'm not sure
that's your best look, Stan.
What? Why?
'Cause one of your balls just came out.
[GAGGING] Oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES]
My old wrestling singlet is
my most athletic garment.
And I'll need it if I'm
finally going to execute
a standing backflip.
Since when have you wanted to flip?
Oh [BLEEP] you, Francine!
You know I've always
wanted to do a backflip!
Pfft, 'kay. Whatever. Do a flip.
A backflip.
Today it's stretching, flexibility,
and strength training.
[KNUCKLES CRACK]
[GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]
- Okay.
Now it's both balls.
Oh, God. Oh, my God. [GAGGING]
You're a cool dad, Stan.
♪♪
Well, this is it. Ring the bell.
I was peepin' through my peephole!
Name's Wally Wrobel, but call me Wrobel.
Um, I'm Snot, and this is Barry.
Mind if I call you both Wrobel?
Gah, just effin' ya
I mean effin' with ya.
I'm an audiophile,
not a pedophile for cryin' out loud!
Get in here,
all my neighbors are pedophiles.
♪♪
So, which boy
is interested in my speakers?
That'd be me. Boy Barry.
Watch where you're walkin'.
I got speaker parts all over the place.
Last thing I need is one of you
- steppin' on a woofer.
- [SNAP]
Dammit, now I'm stepping on woofers.
- [CLATTERS]
- [SIGHS] Oh, well.
I guess as long as you buy my speakers,
no harm no foul.
You are a serious buyer, aren't you?
Yes?
Phew. Good.
I don't like people wasting my time,
kicking tires.
[PARROT SQUAWKS]
This is Khaleesi.
She also only likes serious buyers.
- [KHALEESI SQUAWKS]
- Aah!
Khaleesi, huh? Cool.
- Like from "Game of Thrones"?
- Never heard of it.
I'm more of a "Big Bang" guy myself.
It's what inspired me
to live in an apartment.
Well, here they are.
My JCL 100s.
A lot of blood, sweat, and tears
went into restoring these babies.
They look great.
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
Now for the demo.
Sit, sit.
So what did you bring to listen to?
Uh, I didn't bring anything.
- [KHALEESI SQUAWKS]
- Aah!
I suppose I can dig
something up for you.
[CHUCKLES] I feel
stupid for even asking,
but you guys are huge Rush fans, yes?
[DIAL CLICKS]
["WORKING MAN" BY RUSH PLAYING]
♪♪
I get up at 7:00, yeah,
and I go to work at 9:00 ♪
He's staring at us.
Maybe I should just tell
my dad what happened.
No, we're almost home free!
♪♪
- [BOTH YELP]
- Ah! Yeah!
- Love that energy!
- [VOLUME INCREASES]
A lot better than I think I am ♪
I guess that's why ♪
I think I hear some fuzz
from the left speaker.
- My dad would
- Whatcha chattin' about?
How rad my speakers are?
Yup! Well, thanks so much.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Demo's not over.
You just gotta hear it on cassette.
[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING]
[MUSIC RESUMES]
♪♪
Well,
they call me the workin' man ♪
I guess that's what I am ♪
♪♪
May I offer you a craft ice cube,
Mrs. S?
Interesting shape, Jeff.
Is this an octohedral-dodecahedron?
It's Olaf, the funny snowman
from the Princess show.
Mmm. Makes my vodka and
squirt nice and cold.
I read that the secret to
executing a standing backflip
is building up loads of arm-momentum.
Boo! You're flipping on grass?
Flip on the concrete, nerd!
Hayley's right. I need more at stake.
Concrete flip it is.
[GRUNTS]
- [CHEERING]
- I can't believe it!
I got the whole thing on tape!
That first backflip tasted so good,
I think I might have one more!
[SLOW-MOTION] Yay!
[ICE CLATTERS]
Aaaaaaah!
- Oof!
- [BONES CRACK]
Oh, I forgot to put the tape in.
You've gotta do that all again, Stan.
[GUITAR STRUMMING]
♪♪
They call me the workin' man ♪
[KHALEESI VOCALIZES]
I'm doin' a dang demo!
Aah!
D'you see that? Bird's crazy.
So what do you think, boy Barry?
We got a deal?
Well, you did do
a really nice job on these.
- But
- But you want me to throw in this katana?
You look like a sword guy. Eeeee-ya!
I could cut your head clean off.
- Aah!
- [SWORD CLATTERS]
Listen. Mr. Wrobel,
Barry just needs some time to think.
Tell you what.
How 'bout you run down to Starbucks,
talk it over and call me in 20 minutes?
Yeah, yeah. We'll call ya.
In 20 minutes.
Yeah.
[WHISPERS] Let's go.
When we get to Starbucks, just run in.
We only got 20 minutes.
Pull the car over.
Barry, you're not buying
speakers from that lunatic
because I just found new in-box
JCL 100s cheaper on eBay.
- But I said I was a serious buyer.
- Who cares?
You're a pushover.
You're gonna do whatever you're told.
- Go on.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
Oh, Wrobel's facetiming me.
Get your fat ass back
here and buy my speakers.
- Okay.
- Barry, we're not going back.
- Wouldn't dream of it.
- Barry, turn that car around.
Ten-four!
- No way!
- You got it.
- Get back here!
- Away we go!
- Keep going!
- Yes, sir!
- Turn!
- Heading to you!
- Just hang up!
- [BRAKES SQUEAL]
["WORKING MAN" BY RUSH PLAYING,
TIRES SCREECHING]
You smarmy piece of garbage!
You were never a serious buyer!
[KHALEESI SQUAWKS]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
[MUSIC STOPS]
If that speaker has even
one scratch on it
you're a dead man!
Step on it!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Aah!
- [KHALEESI SQUAWKS]
- Aah!
♪♪
So, I set up the other guy's speakers
we found on eBay,
and I don't think my dad
notices they're different.
I guess I'm in the clear.
MRS. LONSTEIN: Alright,
I'll pass it on to Schmuley.
And this is his fat friend?
- Yup!
- TED: Barry!
Can you come out here a minute?
I gotta go, baby!
[AIR HISSING]
We need to talk, mister.
You are in big, big
- congratulations zone.
- What?
I'm proud of you for keeping
the house in one piece.
Have a blast of air
as a little thank you.
[AIR HISSES]
Freak Fuel's
all accounted for too.
And starting to kick in.
How 'bout you quit
making love to that HiFi,
Teddy Bear,
and funnel one of these bad boys
into your dick hole?
[ZIPPER UNZIPS]
♪♪
Hmm. Looks like somebody had a long,
nasty, dank-ass slip.
It was me, Doc.
Nasty as they come.
Do you mind? I'm talking to the slipper.
Says here an oddly-shaped piece of ice
was responsible for this incredible,
incredible slip.
Would you say it looked
something like this?
Yeah.
Except a little bit up on this side,
and a little bit down on that side.
Of course.
That would lead to infinite slip!
Not that I care,
it's just that would be very interesting
to someone who devoted their whole life
to the science of slipping.
Dr. Slippy? Get away from my patient!
No problem.
I think I got everything I needed.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Anyway.
Stan, I have horrible news.
You will never walk again.
- Oh, God
- Do you mind?
Because of the nature of your fall,
you will only be able
to backflip from now on.
I'm so confused.
Why was Dr. Slippy here?
Oh, ugh, he's always
sniffing around the slip ward
looking for slippery things to patent.
But, Stan, did you hear me?
You'll never walk again.
Oh, God.
Is he gonna patent the ice shape?
- Is that worth money?
- Totally.
If he cracks the slip barrier,
then it would be worth billions.
I need to get to the patent office
before Dr. Slippy!
But you can't walk!
Then I'll backflip!
Yeah, I'm gonna stay here.
He didn't finish his pills.
Doctor, a truck full of banana peels
tipped over on the highway.
We've got 35 slip
victims headed this way!
Call my wife.
Tell her
something hilarious is happening.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪
[GASPS]
♪♪
[SIGHS] It's just Dad.
["WORKING MAN" BY RUSH PLAYING,
SHOWER RUNNING]
[WHIMPERING] Wrobel.
♪♪
Oh, good, it's just a speaker.
- When I get up ♪
- Eeee-yaaa!
[SCREAMS]
[CELLPHONE BUZZING]
Hello?
Barrrryyyy deeeaaaaad. [SQUAWKS]
♪♪
Dad! Please tell me
I'm having a nightmare!
I wish, because then when you wake up,
my JCLs wouldn't sound so off.
They sound fine to me!
- Barry, they're not even on.
- Still.
Not to worry.
I got a guy coming to fix them.
[KNOCKING]
Hey there, buckaroo.
- Aah!
- Barry, what's gotten into you?
Sorry about that, Mr. Wrobel.
Please. Just wrobel.
Of course. I'm Ted.
Mind if I call you Wrobel?
- [LAUGHS]
- [HUSHED] He gets it!
[WHISTLES]
Real "noice" JCL 100s.
I actually just restored
a set of these babies
for the second time.
Whoa! Not so fast!
[IMITATES GUN COCKING, FIRING]
You're dead.
That's a good joke.
[LAUGHTER]
♪♪
Wrobel was in my house, Snot!
Listen, here's what you gotta do.
Go to the police and tell them
Wrobel showed you his dick.
No! I'm done being a pushover!
And I'm going to do what I
wanted to do in the first place!
I'm telling my dad everything.
[SIRENS WAILING, CAR HORNS HONKING]
Mike, this Wrobel guy
was stalking my son!
Easy, Teddy Bear! I got this.
- We demand a restraining order.
- Agreed.
My client will not come within 100 yards
of Barry or his family.
In addition, my client's
petition for visitation rights
with Barry has been withdrawn.
I don't even know why he asked for that.
Hey, let me grab you a sec
before that restraining order kicks in
and I have to yell
everything from 100 yards.
You're still a pushover.
Nuh-uh, I stood up for myself.
No, not really, no.
Your daddy and his lawyer
stood up to me, but you?
No. No, you did not stand up to me.
- No, no.
- [GRUNTING]
Say, what's going on with your face?
Ah, never mind. I don't care. Bye!
♪♪
C'mon, poo already, butthole.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
"Motion at your front door."
Kewl.
Well, well, well,
look who came crawling
back for my speakers.
But if he thinks I'm
gonna straight-up trade
for that sledgehammer
Well, I don't know.
Today I could. I'm feeling it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Who's standing up for himself now?!
[GASPS] The 10-second delay!
♪♪
Khaleesi, help!
Call the police!
And tell them to bring toilet paper!
You sure you wanna press charges?
- He'll do some time if you do.
- Good.
Some serious time for
an unserious buyer.
Doing time for wasting my time.
Anyways, you guys wanna come
in for some white claws?
Sounds good.
[THUDDING]
♪♪
[GRUNTING]
Make them pay!
- Aah!
- [BUZZER]
Robinson. You're gettin' out.
Pack it up.
Don't tell me what to do!
[YELPS] Oh! This job's the worst!
♪♪
Stan, it's been three months!
You've gotta get over the fact
that you couldn't backflip
to the patent office
as fast as Dr. Slippy could slip there!
But I'm the one who slipped on it!
I should be the flippin' billionaire!
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'll get it.
No, I can do it.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the man who
couldn't help me at all.
I'm here because I've
developed a new technique
that might restore your ability to walk.
- A new technique, you say?
- Yes.
The idea is I fuse the L3
a little higher over here,
and a little lower over here.
Of course.
Sounds groundbreaking.
Now tell me, Doc, have you had a chance
to patent this technique of yours?
I was gonna swing by the patent
office right after I told you.
Oh, really?
Excuse me, I have to go flip somewhere.
I'll be right back.
Oh, no, you don't!
Whoa, whoa. Whee!
[MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- ♪♪
-
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[SQUAWKING]
Okay, okay,
we'll take a break from "Big Bang."
What do you wanna watch?
[DEEP VOICE] "Shark Tank."
Whoa.
Hi, Sharks.
I'm Steven Anita Smith,
and this is my business partner,
Toshi Yoshida.
And, boy,
do we have something special for you.
Toshi?
Looks kinda big.
I know what you're thinking, Sharks.
This is just a drawing of a bowtie.
Well imagine if this
drawing was an actual bowtie
and that it was about the size
of a fun-size Snickers bar.
- Well, that's smaller.
- Now
In your brains,
imagine that fun-size bowtie
is on a baby!
- [CHEERING]
- Oh, my God. That's fantastic!
Lucky kids.
You should have come up with that idea.
Oh, free lawn chair.
Our luck's changing!
Oh, no, Khaleesi!
Our luck's changing back!
♪♪
[THUD]
Wait, you're here too?
I guess when it comes to kidnapping,
I'm your second choice.
You know what? I'm just gonna leave.
I don't feel special anymore.
Shut up! You're both gonna pay!
Okay, you sound angry.
I get that.
You got locked up for three
months because of him.
But why am I here?
You started this whole thing
by making me blow up my dad's speakers!
I just wanted a quiet
night-in with canapes!
Hey, I said it right!
Maybe to celebrate,
you should let us go?
I'm up for a celebration. Grab a bite.
- Ever been to Bubba Gump's?
- Shut up!
I guess he doesn't like shrimp.
[SWITCH CLICKS, LOW HUMMING]
Barry, what are you doing?
I'm gonna blow out your eardrums
like you made me blow
out my dad's speakers!
Kewl.
["WORKING MAN" BY RUSH PLAYING]
[VOLUME INCREASE, RUMBLING]
[GROANS]
Please, Barry!
Don't do this!
[VOLUME INCREASES, VIBRATING]
♪♪
If you're gonna blow out our eardrums,
could you at least adjust the EQ?
John Rutsey's drums aren't
even coming through!
[VOLUME INCREASES, SPEAKERS SQUEALING]
♪♪
Gonna have to go louder for me.
I don't have ears!
Look!
No, look closer!
Classic headphones bite! Myah!
♪♪
Listen, I'm sorry we pushed
you around all these years!
- It's not right!
- I can't tell what you're saying,
but I wanna tell you I'm sorry!
I shouldn't have kidnapped
and tortured you!
- What?
- What?
Speak up, I can't hear you!
Louder! What are you saying?!
I see your mouth is moving,
but I don't hear anything!
[MUFFLED] I really just don't have
any idea what you're saying!
[MUFFLED] Are you saying you're sorry?
I hope you're saying you're sorry!
Doing what with who now?
- Quiet down there, I got sleeping babies!
- [BABIES CRYING]
What a cutie.
Let's see here. What's your name?
Billy? Hmm.
Mind if I call you Wrobel?
[LAUGHS]
Have a great night!