American Dad s17e22 Episode Script

The Grounch

You guys were right,
I read the ad wrong.
It wasn't for a candy striper,
it was for a candy stripper.
What is that, a joke?
Check it out. Snot forgot his vest.
I guess we all know
what that means, right?
Uh, that's a "no."
Snot secretly takes off
his vest when he dumps out.
Oh, no, he hides that?
Be proud, guy.
It's cool to poo!
Wuz dis?
Hey, this is about us.
It's a list of the family.
On what, may I ask, did Snot rank us?
- Oh, my God!
- I'm not last! I'm not last!
I, uh
forgot my vest.
Sit the hell down, Snot.
'Tis the season
for questions.
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
What is this, Snot?
First off, it isn't some "weird" ranking
of who I'm personally attracted to.
It's just a super normal,
"kinda hard to even be mad about" list
of the objective hotness
of my best friend's family.
Just to be clear, I'm ranked number one.
- Does that mean?
- You're the hottest in the family.
Your Honor, I have no more
questions for this witness,
except to ask if he
wants to stay for dinner.
I see I see I'm seven on here.
I'm just not sure I understand
the numbering system.
Please allow me to
explain my conclusions.
Mr. Smith is ranked first
for his natural "talent."
The man has the perfect body
huge, menacing torso
and legs that are
mostly an afterthought.
But the showstopper is a
chin that makes you realize
that nothing is impossible.
Hayley is ranked second.
She oozes potential.
A deep beauty lies within,
but it's mostly hidden
because she transcends fashion
and dresses in absolute defiance of it.
Steve came in a strong third.
His silky hair and soft hands are great,
but it's dat faaaat aaaass
that put him over the top.
Francine, I worry about your drinking.
And even though it hasn't
affected your looks yet,
it's just so
tragically sad.
Klaus is a gorgeous shade of orange.
Gazing upon him is like
watching a tropical sunset.
Jeff's feet are the
perfect size for his body.
And that concludes my list.
What about me?
You explained everyone's rankings,
but not mine.
I just don't think it's fair to say
if it's something you can't change.
I'm skipping work for the month,
and this time not just to play
"Animal Crossing."
I'm going to finally start my magazine!
Stan Magazine is happening?
Yep! For the first time ever,
there will be a magazine
for men!
Is this all because my friend
thought you were attractive?
He's my friend too, Steve.
Dad, there are already tons
of men's magazines out there.
Stan Magazine will be different.
Stan Magazine will have
reviews of wrist watches.
And a sex advice column
from get this
a woman wearing glasses.
So there's irony at
play in this magazine.
Sorry I'm late for breakfast.
I didn't get too much sleep last night,
and I'm not feeling too hot.
I bet you aren't.
I'm going to the zoo!
Dude, one of the gross hippos escaped!
Oh, no, has a hippo gotten out
Oh, no, they're talking about me.
That's no hippo!
It's a disgusting squid
trying to sneak out
of the zoo in people clothes.
My confidence is so low,
I don't even look human anymore.
Whoa, the zoo got a monster.
Well, I've been to every bank
in the tri-city metro area,
and no one has the balls to
loan me money for my magazine.
Goddamn banks!
All they care about is money.
How are you doing, Barry?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I really miss Nana.
Now all I have to remember her by
is the large inheritance she left me.
Barry, my good man, have a seat.
Francine, we have a guest,
bring this lard-ass some ribs.
I don't know if you've heard,
but I've got a lot of
heat on me right now.
Oh, I heard about Snot's rankings.
I have an investment
opportunity for you.
Stan Magazine.
A magazine for men.
It's luxury but also rugged?
It's political,
but only for office politics.
Dad, can you please not
Francine, silence the boy!
Do you know anything about
launching a magazine?
That's a great question.
I've got some better ones.
What's Jeremy Renner's
favorite cigar shop?
Where does Gerard Butler
like to scuba dive?
Those are the big questions
Stan Magazine will attempt to answer.
- I'll give you $600.
- Great!
Barry, I'm so sorry
about your grandmother,
that she won't be here to see you
become a magazine millionaire.
Who cares what Snot, the family,
a couple of zoo workers,
and an entire Starbucks think of you?
The barista asked me to leave the store,
and then I could hear
everyone cheer when I left.
this is the least confident and sexy
I've ever felt.
Oh, no! It's the Wednesday
before Christmas, isn't it?
Tonight's my legendary
Christmas sex party.
Sex! Sex! Sex!
What a disaster!
With your confidence so low
and my Bangtivity
scene not finished yet.
I still have to glue
on Joseph's mammoth hog
and arrange the Three
Wise Men circle jerk.
So, Rog, when are you going
to get in on the action?
Not sure.
Got my hands full with
these refreshments,
and after that, I feel like it's time
I build that Lego Death
Star I got six years ago.
Roger, you're being silly.
You're sexy as hell.
This is your party!
Get in there, Santa!
Do I look good?
You're giving me
a full-on Yule log, bro.
Uhp, coming through. 'Scuse me.
Hey, how's it going over here?
There's a hippo in here!
Uh, that's clearly, uh, a squid.
Okay, that hurts.
Heyo, how's the futon crew doing,
room for a fifth?
- No!
- Oh, God,
whatever you're doing,
can you not do it near me?
Sorry, sorry.
Everyone is just so obsessed
with sex at this orgy!
Whatever happened to a little
something called conversation?
Huh? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Tuttle is really getting
into the Christmas spirit
giving and receiving.
I thought we could take a break
from all that humping to
share a nice Christmas goose.
Do we have to?
Yes. We're going to eat, chat,
and enjoy each other's
sexiest body part
- You mean the ball sack?
- The taint?
Is he talking about the anus?
The brain!
Have you read "Dune"?
I keep trying to get into it,
but I don't know,
maybe I'm just not a "Dune" guy
Hey! I run the clapper around here!
Okay, very funny, everybody.
Where'd the goose go?
I'm gonna turn off the light again,
and, whoever took the goose,
just put it back.
No questions asked.
Thank you.
Oh, no, did someone [BLEEP] this goose?
Who [BLEEP] this goose?
'Sup, homies!
Dad, what are you doing here
and what happened to your face?
You think it's easy to stay
on top of Snot's rankings?
I had all the fat from
my feet and calves
put into my cheeks and lips.
Hi, Snot, always good to see you.
Now, Barry,
I wanted to chat about continuing
your investment in Stan Magazine.
Don't forget your
grandmother's dying words
"Support print journalism."
Her dying words were, "Find my killer."
Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Smith,
but this all seems like
a giant vanity project.
You think I'm gonna take artistic advice
from my money guy?
No way. You suits are all the same.
You're the one wearing a suit.
I'm not giving you any more money.
Very well, you are dead to me.
I'm gonna go finish my lunch
with the sexy religious students.
You know,
I always thought that cleaning up
after an orgy would be gross,
and I was right.
Klaus, I can't live like this anymore.
Sex makes everything so much worse.
So I've decided to swear
off sex from now on.
I'm giving it up forever.
I'm with you!
I'm sick of sex, too!
I don't want to get railed, nailed,
Eiffel towered,
pretzel dipped, corkscrewed,
flat-ironed, wheel-barrowed,
or sporked ever again.
I'm done, done, done with sex!
- Sporked?
- Sex, who needs it?
Not me!
My whole downstairs is
basically destroyed anyways!
I like your vibe, strange woman.
Roger, professional uncle, hater of sex.
You know, if we're both
really serious about not having sex,
there's something we can do
We got married!
Bum bum bummmm ♪
- Good morning.
- Good morning to you, sir.
Don't forget I'm part of this too.
It's so nice not worrying
about sex anymore.
I can focus on the
important things in life,
like this flavorless oatmeal.
And I can wear my night
guard all day long.
Mmm, this homemade apple cider vinegar
is so much more sour than store bought.
The birds are quite promiscuous
up here in the mountains.
A true, lasting pleasure.
I can do this all night.
But it's been a long day.
I think it's time to hit the hay.
Honey, it's 7:15 in the morning.
Shhh. He's coming.
Why is dad dressed like
a villainous emperor
from a sci-fi movie?
Thank you, Xerxes.
The venom of this little
snake reactivates my calf fat.
It's what we in the
magazine business call
a "compound plumpening."
I have great news!
After a brief bankruptcy,
Stan Magazine will
continue to move forward
thanks to our angel investor Toshi.
Don't you have friends of your own?
Not really, no.
Okay, let's get an update
from my writers.
Chuck Klosterman, how's that hit piece
on that cheap-ass loser, Barry?
It's a brutal takedown as requested
Alright, that's enough, chatterbox.
I pay you to type, not to talk.
Stan, how many more tequilas
do you want me to taste test?
Um, I-I asked you
to write about lacrosse.
Finally, Malcolm Gladwell,
how are those wrist
watch reviews coming?
Stan, I tried to explain.
My writings deal with the
unexpected implications
of human behavior in
the social sciences.
Well, now you review wrist watches.
And remember, it's a men's magazine
so the highest rating is five boners.
You heard the snake back to work!
This is the life.
As little sex and as
much apple cider vinegar
as we want.
Was kinda hoping that would kill me.
Mmmm, burnt-ass bread.
Who needs sex?
Not me and my burnt-ass bread.
We're doing great.
Hi, Time Warner, yes,
I'd like to lodge a complaint.
Dr. Phil is wearing a tan suit today
and he looks like a giant fat penis.
There. Done.
We've been here for a while.
I learned to play the piano!
What is that awful noise?
I don't like it! Elizabeth!
Can you hear this?
"Uncle Tuttle's Ballsackular Bang Bash"?
Elizabeth! My Christmas
sex party has been stolen
by that pervert Al Tuttle!
The party seems bigger than ever.
There's a line around
the block to get in.
Oh, man, Elizabeth!
You're not going to believe this, but
there's a woman there that's bitin'
your humdrum style.
What a joke!
She can't pull it off at all.
She even has your same back tattoo
that means "betrayal" in Chinese.
Elizabeth, you've got to see this.
Wait a minute!
I've been whatever is Chinese
for betrayed!
What is all the commotion
Roger, what is happening to you?!
I don't know!
I think this is what happens
when my species
has been betrayed!
Or maybe this is what
happens to my species
if they go a year without sex.
How do you not know?!
I flunked out of school, Klaus.
Whoa, Roger.
I am not Roger anymore.
Call me The Grounch.
The Grounch Who Stole Sex-mas.
Gonna have sex ♪
Gonna have sex ♪
Gonna have sex today ♪
Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
On a random stranger's face, yay! ♪
Now that the Grounch had been betrayed,
he couldn't stand anyone getting laid.
And every party-goer liked sex a lot.
But the Grounch
he did not.
The Grounch hates sex
and the people who have it one and all.
Most think because his boner
was two sizes too small.
The Grounch couldn't stand
to see all these people,
every one of them so horny.
He said to the heavens
I must find a way to stop this orgy!
Right in that moment,
the Grounch got an idea.
A ghastly, gruesome, Grounch-y idea.
I know exactly what all
these pervs need to get off.
Tonight I will steal
all their sexy things
the Spank-A-Roos, the Bungle-Fondlers,
and the Strap-On-Dill-Dolls.
I will ruin their big party
and give everyone blue balls.
His mission clear,
the Grounch yelled down the hill
If I can't have sex, then no one will!
You're a green one,
Monsieur Grounch ♪
You have no sex appeal ♪
You look like a furry booger ♪
You're charming as a dead seal ♪
Monsieur Grounch ♪
You smell like
three-day-old gym shorts ♪
Worn by an incontinent ♪
Shaquille O'Neal ♪
You're an original character,
Monsieur Grounch ♪
That's an undeniable fact ♪
But if this does remind
you of some other creature ♪
Don't overreact ♪
The Supreme Court ruled that
a parody may claim fair use ♪
Under Section 107 ♪
Of the Copyright Act ♪
Where's my Pee-Pee-Pump-O-Max?!
And I'm looking for my Hoo-Hoo-Wax!
I can't possibly get down
without my Rooty-Tooty-Booty-Snacks!
Hey, where's my Dingle-Dongle?
And I can't have
sex without my Vibra-Shlongle!
Has anyone seen my Anal-Tongle?!
You're a piece of shit,
Monsieur Grounch ♪
You stink like a Muppet's fart ♪
You're a real bad apple ♪
You're worse than Paul
Blart the mall cop ♪
You're the worst thing to happen ♪
To the local community ♪
Since Walmart! ♪
Tuck in that shirt,
this isn't fajita night at Applebee's.
This is fajita night
catered by Applebee's
for Stan Magazine's launch party.
Alright, it's 8:00.
Time to open the doors
and let the riff-raff in.
Where's my riff-raff?
Dad, I tried to tell you
that no one had RSVP'd,
but you just kept accusing me of not
considering fashion an art form.
Fashion is an art form, Hayley!
Wait, no one's coming?
Put that back on the pedestal!
What's with the Pikachus on every page?
What? You think it's too much
like all the other men's magazines?
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
like you, Steve!
Why must the beautiful suffer so?!
The Grounch was happy,
his mission complete,
till he heard the sound
of sucking on feet.
I don't understand, how could this be?
They're still having the sex party?
And then he made a realization
that made his face flush.
The spirit of sex is too hard to crush.
The Grounch realized that a sex party
isn't about toys, lingerie,
or lube with spermicide.
It's about feeling sexy inside.
But that's exactly
what the Grounch didn't feel.
I guess before bed I'll
have a sad bowl of oatmeal.
And that might have been the
end of our pathetic tale.
If the Grounch hadn't noticed
that he was standing on a scale.
Holy shit, I've lost two pounds!
It must be all that
oatmeal I've been eating.
Dang, I look skinny as hell.
Ho ho ho.
That was the moment
that everything changed.
Suddenly the Grounch didn't
feel like such a grump.
The Grounch was feeling
sexy and he wanted to hump.
I want to apologize to all of you.
I'm sorry I tried to ruin your night.
Not good enough. We're mad at you!
You know, you stole
Hideki's heartburn medication.
Not cool.
Well, if words can't convince you,
maybe this will change your mind.
Mmm. Let us talk it over.
We've decided we want
to have sex with you.
I want you first.
Please come in.
There's snacks in the kitchen,
a shower in the back,
and no finishing on my iguana.
Huh, I guess
I screwed off all my green fur.
Well, I did it, Klaus.
I shtupped the whole town.
Congratulations, Roger.
Glad you got your mojo back.
Yeah, me too.
I just don't understand what
lesson I was supposed to learn.
Don't you remember?
Confidence is sexy!
Oh, hi, Jeans!
So this was all about confidence.
Goodbye, Roger.
I must now return to where
I live behind the moon.
Merry Christmas!
And happy New Year!
Bye-bye, see you soon!
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