American Dad s18e21 Episode Script

A Little Extra Scratch

Oh, Hayley, you know what
I drove by the other day?
That old place we always used to
go to when you were little,
the ice cream shop
with the kinda confusing name?
- Hot Scoops?
- Yeah.
Whaddya you say we go after this,
for old times' sake?
Ah, wish I could, Big Mama [BELCHES]
but I gotta, uh get to work.
I thought Sub Hub was still closed
because of that whole horse meat thing.
You know, how they found out it
was actually raccoon meat?
That's right, huh?
I meant, um, I have a
ah, let's see
Groff Progressive Student
Alliance meeting.
On Cesar Chavez Day?
Babe, it's the Scholastic Book Fair
at the middle school today.
Can I get an advance on my allowance?
Okay, but no "Goosebumps."
You'll be awake all night.
Since when does Hayley
have that kind of loot?
Hm, must be pickin' up a
little extra scratch somehow.
Some, uh, walkin' around money?
Chuckle cheddar? Some funky frog-skins?
Play-Doh, lil stash o' cushion cash.
But where is Hayley picking up
that kind of wallet candy?
Must get it from me.
The ability to make money, that is,
not the money itself.
As you know, having come from poverty,
I pride myself on my ability
to provide this family
a high standard of living.
Steve-o, heads up.
Escargot, comin' in hot.
Hold up, gettin' a call
from my financial planner.
- Scotty Boombotty.
Lemme get somewhere quiet
so you can really scream
those big-ass numbers at me.
Double digit gains, you say?
- No. I said "devastating losses."
- What?
I told you not to put everything
you had into pornographic pogs.
But the children of the '90s
are all grown up.
Naturally they'll now be
looking for pogs
with more adult-oriented content.
I remember the words
"sure thing" being said.
By you. I begged you not to do it.
Okay, give it to me straight.
How much have I lost?
you're gonna lose the house.
No one must know.
No one must know that anything is wrong.
Porn pogs must've gone tits up.
I don't think he's coming down.
- Ah, shizballs, I gotta scoot.
Here, can you stick this
on Dad's back for me?
For your trouble.
Since when does Hayley have a bleeper?
Are you trying to say "beeper"?
Where the hell is this guy?
I got shit I gotta do.
Good morning, USA ♪
- No one must know.
No one must know that
I've bankrupted the family.
You've bankrupted
the what now?
Probably shoulda done this
in the bathroom.
You heard nothing.
Looks like you're gonna have to find us
some money fast, Francine.
One more thing to worry about.
What else is weighing on you?
Those chimpanzees in the news,
that've been stepping on landmines
and losing their limbs?
The chimp-u-tees?
No, it's Hayley.
Klaus, I think she might be
- dealing.
- Pai Gow?
- Drugs.
- Cool. But no way.
Hayley's a drug doer, not a drug dealer.
Oh, yeah? What about the money,
the secretiveness, the bleeper
Sometimes I feel like
I don't know her at all.
It's not like it was
when she was little.
We were two peas in a pod back then.
And everywhere we went people
just ate us right up, too.
You've heard the term
No, never.
Well, we were a mega
Oh, well, that I've hear.
But that was when she was a kid.
Now, honestly, God knows
what she could be up to.
Why would you put this in here?
- Whatcha doing?
- Nothing.
Say, what's in the duffel bag?
Nothing. Gotta go.
You've been making
that face a lot lately.
Mm. Like this. Mm.
This face. Mm.
I've ruined us, Roger.
All our money, our iconic house, gone.
Oh, so you need to pick up
a little extra scratch?
Funky frog-skins?
A little zip-a-dee-moo-lah?
'Scuse me one sec.
[GASPS] You. Don't move.
Rugged despair, salt-and-pepper stubble,
Buzz Lightyear chin
Why are you wearing a garbage bag?
I didn't bring a costume with me
so I had to make do
with what I could find
in the bathroom trash can.
Giardia Capitosto, Web Ad
Stock Photo Talent Manager.
The internet needs handsome,
graying, worried faces like yours.
Erectile dysfunction, reverse
mortgages, 401k mismanagement
from now on, you could be
the face of them all.
- Is there money in that?
- I think so?
All I know is you've got it, kid,
and I'm gonna put you in the pictures.
The little pictures
at the bottom of the screen
on Barstool Sports.
What the hell are you doing
in that bush?
If you must know,
I am trying to sneak into
my ex-boyfriend's apartment.
Oh, great.
- Aah!
- The jib is up.
I know you've been pushing
arthritis medication?
It's true. These last few months
I've had a secret side hustle
going as a
pharmaceutical representative.
So that's how you've been making
all that extra money?
Pushing pills for Big Pharma.
Mom, I am begging you
to keep this secret.
If anyone at the Groff
Progressives found out
Oh, I'll keep it secret, alright.
Secret like a fox.
- What does that
- I want in.
I want to push pills
for Big Pharma, too.
Isn't this whole Pharma rep
thing a little shady, though?
Buttering up a bunch
of pervy old doctors to
Informing a bunch of pervy old doctors,
about a miracle arthritis drug
that really will help so many people.
Hey, if I ever found out
Bendjuvanex wasn't all
it's cracked up to be,
I would quit like that.
But this drug is the real deal.
Derived from armadillo mucin
humanely harvested
from the best-treated armadillos
in the world.
Plus, it's been a great way
to make a little extra scratch, ya know?
That light-green good-good.
Our scientists start with the best part
of the armadillo, the mucin.
And through a proprietary
extraction technology
- yield an efficacy rate of 42% over placebo
with a Bayesian credible interval
of .52 to 1.39.
Alleviation of arthritic
immobility reaches
- 39% and 47%
over leading generic therapies
- at initial dosages
of 200 and 400 milligrams
Other compelling numbers include 27,
7,000, 70,000
Okay, thanks so much,
but I think I'll just
stick with generics.
Have a blessed day.
Another bust.
The commissions came so easy
at first, but lately
Maybe it's time to just hang it up.
Or maybe we just need to
jazz up our pitch a little
Mom, I've been doing this
a while now, okay?
This is how we do it.
Alright, sugar dumpling,
now, y'all don't forget your chip clips
and your pen-flashlight-thumbdrive.
Oh, sweet.
And I'll be in touch
with those Shark tickets, too.
- Do you come with the tickets?
Listen, y'all keep those prescriptions
and I just might.
Kidding not kidding.
Oh, I will.
Also kidding.
I'm not kidding.
There he is.
My worried web ad Adonis.
So rugged. So handsome.
So haunted.
Brian, your KFC Famous Bowl is here.
- Don't move a muscle.
- Bubbeleh, amazing news.
We already have another
10 gigs lined up.
Your money troubles are finito.
Ah. Oh, my God, thank you, Roger.
Giardia Something-Something.
This is such a relief.
Now, you've just taken out
a reverse mortgage,
and you're rocked to your very core
contemplating the unforeseen risks.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
What the You, trash woman, over here.
- What's up?
- What happened?
- He's lost the look.
- The what?
The look. Look.
Just look at him.
Oh, yeah.
God, he sucks.
Where's the concern?
The stunned, grave, soul-piercing worry?
It's not there. He's [BLEEP] it up.
- I got this.
- What's up. Everything good?
Hmm, you know, on the set
of "The Exorcist,"
Billy Friedkin once slapped an actor
to get the stunned,
haunted look he needed.
Well, that's a really
interesting bit of movie trivia.
- Thanks for
- There it is. Go, go, go.
- Hayley, listen!
- Aah!
Sorry. Look, I know you wanna
stick to facts and figures,
but if we're gonna keep this gig goin'
and the money a-flowin',
we have to change things up.
Okay, well, just how, exactly?
By focusing on the four S's
sex, sass, and swag.
That's three. What's the fourth "S"?
It's "us."
The "S" is at the end of that one.
Us. You and me.
The daughter-mama-charm-a-rama.
Trust me.
This is how we do it.
This is how we do it ♪
Sha, la, la, la, la, la, lo ♪
This is how we do it ♪
Sha, la, la, la, la, la, lo ♪
Okay, I'll do anything you want.
Just give it to me.
This is how we do it ♪
I'll never come wack
on an old-school track ♪
This is how we do it ♪
I'm kinda buzzed, it's all because ♪
This is how we do it ♪
South Central does it
like nobody does ♪
This is how we do it ♪
Oh, it's party time ♪
This is how we do it ♪
Straight up comin'
from the West Side ♪
This is how we do it ♪
OG's got the flavor, yeah ♪
This is how we do it ♪
Hmm, the broad's got the right look,
but your boy
On it.
And this is how we do it.
- Who are you talking to?
- Anyone who'll listen.
This is how we do it ♪
- South Central does it like nobody does ♪
This is how we do it ♪
- To all my neighbors you got much flavor ♪
This is how we do it ♪
- I'll never come wack on an old-school track ♪
This is how we do it ♪
- I'm kinda buzzed, it's all because ♪
This is how we ♪
Have we made enough money
to save the house yet?
- Not quite, love.
But never fear.
Because you're moving up
to the big leagues
a live-action TV commercial
for, wait for it, Bendjuvanex.
One last big slap, and
your money troubles are finito.
Whaddya say we go to BJ's
and celebrate with a Pizookie?
One more big slap,
and your troubles
could be just beginning.
Oh, right, I forgot we were here.
All those slaps have left
your face as fragile
as a gossamer veil of ice
atop a springtime lagoon.
My God, that's
a beautiful description.
The point is, even one more slap
to Stan's bullshit face bones
and he risks
a full facial cave-in.
I still wanna get a Pizookie.
I give you our new top regional reps,
Hayley and Francine Smith,
who will be receiving
a hefty bonus and the honor
of driving the Bendjuvanex Pillmobile.
I couldn'a done it without ya.
So here's to you, Big Mama.
Nah, nah, nah, Little Mama. To us.
I couldn't've done it
without you either.
No us? No magic.
And no magic
no mona-a-a-y.
Aight, I gotta use
the little reps' room.
Congra-a-a-a-tulations to the big hero.
You wanna go, brah?
What's your problem, chief?
Our problem is Bendjuvanex.
I was the lead scientist
who developed it.
And this miracle drug that I made,
and that you're selling
isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Oh, no.
Does it not work?
What? It works great.
I take it myself.
In fact, it works too great.
The clinical trials all
went so well at first.
The subjects' arthritis
improved rapidly.
But soon, after ingesting
all that damn mucin,
they must've built up so many
armadillo pheromones that
they began to attract
First came the coyotes.
Our headquarters was
right next to a desert.
Then the bears, owls,
red-tailed hawks, a few Komodo dragons.
94% of the non-control group
was killed by armadillo predators.
Well, that was in a lab setting.
We don't know it'll translate to
Yes, we do!
And we covered it up!
God knows what we're
unleashing on the world!
Shame on all of us!
I didn't get to finish my negroni!
Did I miss anything?
Nope. In fact, you're
getting half a negroni.
Make sure you got
the Bendjuvanex barbecue set.
The doc we're seeing here
is a total swag hag.
Hey, you can't park that there!
It's okay! We're top regional reps!
His office is just through the E.R.
Another coyote bite here.
Komodo dragon just tore through
the Ruby Tuesday's on Sixth.
- Incoming!
- Coyotes?
Komodo What the hell is going on?
I have no idea.
Oh, don't you?
This is exactly what I warned
you would happen.
Mom, what's this guy talking about?
I'm talking about Bendjuvanex.
They knew this would happen.
They knew and they covered it up.
And so did she.
- Wha I
- Bear!
Oh, God, what have we done?
So this is true?
And you knew?
I didn't know for sure that
And you let me go out there with you,
pushing this death drug onto people?
- I just I needed
- You needed what?
A little extra scratch?
How could you?
I I never want to speak to you again.
TOM BAGETTI: Can you do me a solid?
Check out my toe tag.
Tell me what it says?
Please, please, please,
please, please, please, please.
- "Goner."
Are you sure you want me
to slap you, Stan?
If you care to remember,
your face might cave in.
I'm afraid we have no choice.
It's a risk I'll just have to take.
I needs dem clams.
Whoa. Now, that's what I call
grave, soul-piercing worry.
Stan. Lock that in.
You got back the look. It's a miracle.
What the What
What the hell is this?
Weren't you just a photographer
a few weeks ago?
Yeah, my career has advanced, too.
I'm a director now.
But this is an "after" commercial.
After the drug has given hm
a new lease on life.
I need ease, contentment, joy.
Quick, Stan, smile.
I can't. I'm locked in here.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Roger, slap me.
If you could slap worry onto my face,
just maybe you can slap it
Bendjuvanex ♪
NARRATOR: Look forward again
to the free time,
the quality time,
the good times.
Look forward again
to what's around the bend.
Bend, bend, Bendjuvanex ♪
NARRATOR: Side effects,
while rare, may include hypoxia,
hypothermia, heart palpitations,
hydrohyposis, encephalitis,
elephantitis, and weeping anus.
If you experience weeping anus
that lasts longer
than 24 hours, that's a bad sign.
If while taking the drug
you see any coyotes, bears,
owls, Komodo dragons or various
desert raptors lurking nearby,
don't worry about it. It's
probably just your imagination.
Bendjuvan ♪
They're still covering it all up
and selling the damn stuff.
Sorry, what? No one's been keeping me
in the loop on this one.
You were, dealing Pai Gow or something?
- This a religious thing?
- No.
I'm here on behalf of Bobo's Promise,
the chimp-u-tee char-i-tee?
Are you Francine Smith?
Oh, well, we're here to thank her
for the generous weekly donations
of $10,000
she's been making
for the past two months.
Wait, that would've been
her entire share
of everything we made,
from the very start
So that means there's no more money?
Ah, crap, I'm selling this thing
for scrap metal, then.
See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya, Bobo.
HAYLEY: So you didn't do it
for the money?
I knew your dad was taking care of that.
I mean, his face is all over
the dang internet.
The money was always just an excuse.
- For what?
- To hang out with you.
Like we did when you were little.
That's why I didn't tell you
when I found out about the drug.
I just didn't want it to end.
I'm sorry, kiddo.
Now, come on. Let's go [BLEEP]
that [BLEEP] pharmaceutical
company's shit
right up in the [BLEEP] face.
Alright, we go in through the vents,
make our way to the C-suite,
download the secret animal attack data,
and get it to the press.
Why'd you bring the t-shirt cannon?
Case we run into any trouble.
Got it.
Hand it over, ladies.
Quick, Hayley.
Charm him.
[CHUCKLES] You think you can tug
at my heartstrings?
I'm a pharmaceutical executive.
I don't have any.
- Gotcha.
Hey. Skinko.
Time to take your medicine.
[COUGHS] Oh, no.
SECURITY GUARD: Mr. Skinko, coyotes have
breached the perimeter
and are in the vents.
Armadillo tuck.
You know, we should do this more often.
Hang out, that is, not, you know, this.
Now, that's what I call
a little extra scratch.
Let's get outta here.
This is actually pretty gruesome.
Bye. Have a great time.
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