American Dad s19e09 Episode Script

1
[GRUNTING]
Little help?
No can do.
The C.I.A. Christmas party
invite is coming any moment.
Clicking "refresh" over and over
won't make it come any faster.
- [LAPTOP DINGS]
- What was that, Hayley?
I couldn't hear you
over my inbox dinging.
The party will be held
at Scamper's East.
Yes, baby.
Ugh. That dumpy pub in Chimdale?
Are you kidding? Scamper's is amazing.
Classy, too.
The golf course there? Mwah.
Miniature. Two holes.
And one of 'em,
half the AstroTurf is blue.
Blue and green, 'Zooka Sharks colors.
[MAN] 'Zooka Sharks?
Does that guy live around here?
Well, I'm sure you and Mom
will have a great time.
We'll all have a great time.
I was able to secure invites
for the entire family.
- Even Klaus.
- [STEVE AND HAYLEY GROAN]
Let's go!
So do we, like, have to go?
Big time. You must understand,
I had a monster year at work.
Special missions? I crushed 'em.
Boring meetings? I plussed 'em.
And I went undefeated in
our fantasy football league.
The Christmas party is
my personal victory lap,
and I want my family there to enjoy me.
That's wonderful.
Now you can close your computer
and decorate the tree with us.
Better idea.
Let's prepare for my work party.
I'll make flashcards of my
accomplishments this year.
There were a lot!
- I bet.
- We should also talk outfits.
I recommend something festive,
yet quirky.
Oh, God, Hayley, you're not thinking
of wearing that to the party?
You mean the party I just literally
heard about 30 seconds ago? No.
[ALL] Phew!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[ROGER] Ah!
[CHORUS] Good morning, USA ♪
[STAN] Look at that marquee.
This is already great.
Get in here, everyone!
When we get inside,
Klaus and I will fill mashed
potato cups for everyone.
Francine, the open bar lasts 45 minutes,
so order me two Moscow mules.
Hayley, head straight
to Big Buck Hunter.
Don't let anyone touch
the plastic shotgun
until I break the high score.
What about me and Steve?
Great question, Jeffrey.
Play mini golf and listen for
what people are saying about me.
Report back with the buzz on the links.
Hot dog buns looking good
this year, Tommy.
Who's Tommy?
He's executive chef/bouncer
here at Scamper's.
Kind of a dual threat.
I actually don't think that's Tommy.
Interesting.
I've never seen whatever this is served
in a souvenir batting helmet before.
Whoa, I just remembered something.
Last year, at this very party,
I carved my name into
one of the toilet seats.
Dang, you think it's still there?
Fischer takes his time.
He looks pretty high and he is.
Stop looking back. It wasn't us.
I see it! "Stan Smit"?
Some dude started knocking.
I'm gonna finish it now.
[MAN] Scamper's East blows.
We should leave for Bullock's party.
Bullock's party?
- [URINATING]
- Amen. This place is for riff-raff.
I heard Bullock's party has a
10-foot shrimp scampi tower.
Bullock's throwing a secret party the
same night as the C.I.A. Christmas party?
Stiles says he's already
at Bullock's house.
Holy cow. He's playing cornhole with
Ghostface Killah and the Golden Bachelor.
No freaking way! Did they come together?
Let's go find out.
We can finish peeing at Bullock's.
Sorry, I drank both your mules,
but these drinks are basically water.
Yeah, I said it.
Do something.
Stan heard some devastating
news in the bathroom.
Thank God the town got rid
of that suicide hotline.
Otherwise he'd be on it all night.
A Blue Moon for my boy Stan.
Open bar just ended.
That's fine. How much is it?
- Twelve bucks.
- Forget it.
I think I just got tetanus.
A lot of exposed nails
coming through the floor.
What's wrong with Dad?
Turns out there's a
better party at Bullock's,
but Stan only got invited
to the riff-raff party.
Yo, listen up! ♪
Here's the story
about a little guy ♪
That lives in a blue world ♪
And all day and all night ♪
And everything he sees
is just blue like him ♪
Inside and outside ♪
I say we crash Bullock's.
Let's go home, Stan.
Home?
[SINGING CONTINUES]
I agree, Steve.
I thought that busboy was very handsy.
Now that that's over,
we can finally decorate the tree.
Stan, where are you going?
I'm going to Bullock's [BLEEP] party.
I knew you'd come.
Got this hog all ready for ya.
[BATTERY SLOWLY POWERS DOWN]
Out of juice already?
Don't worry,
there's actually another scooter nearby,
but it's in Tuttle's garage.
Also, he owns it.
So we'd be stealing Tuttle's scooter?
Essentially,
or we could just take your car.
[BOTH] Hmm.
[AL] And that's the night
my scooter got stolen.
[JAZZY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
[KLAUS] Bullock runs a tight ship.
I never get invited anywhere.
Which makes me an expert at sneaking
into events where I'm not wanted.
I once snuck my Pomona boys into
Adam Driver's Golden Globes party.
- Okay.
- To be fair,
this was years before
Adam Driver got famous.
Damn it, Klaus, what's our plan?
I'm Tom Hanks.
I'm Colin Hanks.
I'm Hank Azaria?
For Christ's sake, Smith,
what is your problem?
My problem is you didn't invite me
to your Christmas party. Why not?
Okay, I'll level with you.
The fire marshal is a real hard-ass.
He gave me a firm cap of 500 guests.
Five hundred?
It's ludicrous, I know,
but maybe you'll make the cut next year.
Hank Azaria, Mr. 500!
Where are you? I'm literally outside.
I think I have a way in.
Me, "shut up"? No, you shut up!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hold on. Some guy with a chin
is saying something. What?
I overheard your conversation and
it sounds like you need a date.
I happen to be in need of a wristband.
Perhaps I could be your
plus one for the night.
[SIGHS] Fine. You seem normal enough.
You can be my date because
my husband's an asshole!
- Sir, for the last time
- Ka-pow!
Oops. Ka-blam!
Flawless reveal, sir. Enjoy the party.
I'm Tom Hanks.
Welcome, Mr. Hanks.
[JAZZY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[GUESTS EXCLAIMING]
It's a winter wonderland.
The shrimp scampi tower.
I can smell the garlicky
butter cascading from here.
It's beautiful.
Don't skimp on the scamp!
Hey, Stan, meet my new friend,
All-Pro wide receiver Stefon Diggs.
Jackson told me all about
your fantasy football team.
Then I was like, "Wait,
I was on that team?"
Office champions! We did it, bro.
I have a spare football in the car.
Feel like tossing me a few long bombs?
Nuh-uh. You want to keep that wristband?
You better not leave my side all night.
But Stefon Diggs
But Stefon, nothing.
Order me three shots of Tito's
while I stretch out my hammies.
We're about to set that
dance floor on fire.
[GROANS]
Maybe we should leave.
What are you talking about?
We just got here.
There's something about your
date that gives me a bad feeling.
We should try to find some coke ASAP.
We're not going home.
I'm sure everyone is sound
asleep by now anyway.
Dang it! Dad knows I can't sleep unless
I know everyone's safe in their beds.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- You guys left Scamper's?
I was holding down Big Buck Hunter,
as instructed,
and all the lights shut off.
What? We didn't break the golf course.
I love you all so much.
Now, who is ready to rock?
[GUESTS CHEERING]
Good, because this band can really rip.
Ladies and gents, I give you
Kris Kringle and the Naughty Boys.
[STAN AND KLAUS] Santa?
He's in a band?
I trapped Santa
in the freakin' Jingleverse.
- Guess he got out.
- You think?
Check, check.
[GRUNTS]
He's got those weird Jeff Bezos muscles!
He'll kill us, Stan.
Ho ho ho!
This first one's off our new EP.
It's called "Nasty Christmas."
[METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I left your Christmas presents
underneath the [BLEEP] tree ♪
A gift card to Sephora because
your face looks dead to me ♪
Damn, this goes kind of hard.
- I need to use the bathroom.
- No, you don't.
You don't understand.
Santa and I have a history.
Join the club. I'm his wife.
- His what now?
- His wife.
Clarissa Claus?
I married that son of a bitch.
Oh, my God! You're Mrs. Claus?
We're gonna make Santa
real jealous tonight.
Stan, we need to get some shrimp
scampi and get the [BLEEP] out of here!
[GRUNTING]
- Smith!
- [MUSIC STOPS]
Keep playing, Santa.
My face is only partially melted.
You promised me you
wouldn't invite Stan Smith!
I assure you, Smith is not here.
[CLARISSA] Yeah, he is.
He's my date.
- [GUESTS GASP]
- Wow.
- This is
- Don't you dare say "awkward."
Awkward!
Why are you doing this, Clarissa?
And with him, of all people?
Remember when I called you from the gate
because I didn't want to walk in alone?
I told you we had sound check.
You could have left for five minutes.
The levels on Nate's
Stratocaster were all
So typical. Putting
your stupid bandmates before me.
Stupid? Nate's
an Anthropology major at UMass!
I am so over this.
Why can't you be happy for me?
I've finally found something that
gives me creative fulfillment.
Because you turned into
jolly old Saint Dick.
Well, I should also be
You did this, Smith.
You're gonna die tonight.
- [STAN GASPS]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[SANTA YELLING]
Smith!
[CLARISSA] Get in!
I'm keeping the North Pole!
Good luck fitting 1,500 elves
into a studio apartment!
I'm the one who drafted his team.
He wanted OBJ in the second round.
I mean, what year is this?
- [DOORKNOB RATTLES]
- Stan?
Nope. He ran off with my wife.
She took the reindeer,
so I need to crash here for a while.
Oh, I'm exhausted.
I'm going to sleep like a rock tonight.
You! White noise.
Um [HISSING SOFTLY]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[CLARISSA SNORTING]
[CLARISSA] Whoo!
That North Pole snow
hits different, y'all.
Hey, Chief, you wanna hit the slopes?
I want to sleep.
You know, it snows year-round here.
But we still have to import
some snow from Colombia.
Solid joke. I've laughed
every time you've said it.
But please, I can't party anymore.
I know exactly what you need.
A bloody effin' Mary!
Bloody Mary, yes! Bloody-bloody-bloody-
bloody-bloody-bloody!
Bloody what? Bloody what?
Bloody what? Bloody Mary!
So if you're here,
who will deliver presents on Christmas?
Oh, I delegate that crap to
my right-hand elf, Guffrie.
I work smarter now.
I'm not in my early 200s anymore,
splooging big old wads of
Christmas magic all night.
"Wads"?
I'm taking better care of myself now.
I started lifting. You lift, Steve?
- No.
- Oh, man, you've got to.
I'll hook you up with my amino acid guy.
He'll find you some steroids.
With that frame, you're gonna get yoked.
Sorry to interrupt your midlife crisis,
but what the hell is that?
Those would be my
dried-up contact lenses.
I wear dailies now.
When I'm about to fall asleep, I just
flick 'em wherever. It's liberating.
I'm gonna kill your father.
Dad's still not home?
Damn. You're not worried he's, you know,
up to anything with Mrs. Claus?
[LAUGHS]
Your dad? Hell, no.
I got that shit locked down tight.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
This should be good.
- Hello?
- Francine, it's me, Klaus.
We're in the North Pole.
Oh, I already know. Santa told me.
Santa Claus?
He said Stan ran off with Mrs. Claus.
That's not how it went down, Franny.
She dragged us up here,
and she won't stop serving Bloody Marys.
It's a nightmare!
Right, that sounds terrible.
For your guys' information,
I'm letting Santa stay
here till you get back.
Watch this. Oh, and, Klaus?
Mention that Santa sleeps
without a shirt on.
Oh, those muscles.
[MOANING]
Doesn't Santa look good, Hayley?
Oh, yeah, I'd take a bumpy
ride on his Polar Express,
if you know what I mean?
I do.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Bloody-bloody-bloody. Sip the Bloody.
- Sip it!
- [GAGS]
- [OVEN DINGS]
- The weed cookies are done baking.
First, you bake them,
then they bake you.
[CHUCKLES]
Again, for the fourth time,
that joke is hilarious.
Stan, I talked to Francine.
She's pissed you ditched
them for Bullock's party.
And get this.
She's letting Santa sleep there
In our house?
You haven't heard the worst of it.
Santa sleeps bare-chested.
He's got the whole family all horned up.
Come on.
We're getting the hell out of here.
What are you doing with the decorations?
They're going back to the basement.
Your father ruined Christmas this year,
so there's no point in decorating.
But I love Christmas.
It makes me sad and happy.
Oh, now, wait a minute.
Stan may be a Grade A jackass,
but it's still Christmas.
Why do you care?
You're a godless musician now.
Duck, Mom! He's about to splooge wads!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
It's good old-fashioned Christmas magic.
Splooge more!
It does look festive.
It's snowing, bitches.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISPERS] That was very fun.
Stan! Where'd you go?
I made us peanut brittle,
but with ketamine instead of peanuts.
What's the deal with these reindeer?
"Chuck"? "Leon"? Where's Rudolph?
These guys don't seem
like Santa's A-squad.
Listen, Rudolph.
One smells like a man,
the other smells like a fish.
Go!
[DOGS SNIFFING]
- I don't know what to do.
- Jiggle them or something.
- [DOGS BARKING]
- Oh, no, you don't.
She sees us, Stan. Go faster.
Jiggle them harder!
Mrs. Claus is gaining on us.
Wow! She's got wheels, Stan!
A lightning-quick first step
and amazing top-end speed.
Nothing is working.
She's now outpacing the dogs, Stan!
Her gait is equal parts grace and power.
She has long, galloping strides,
like Seattle Slew!
On Leon, on Hank, on Rhonda and Frank!
[EXCLAIMS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
You can just talk to 'em, Klaus.
They're magic.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I like being here.
Me, too. It's like a new
chapter in our relationship.
Can I ask you girls something?
Shoot, Big Red.
Why do women hate music?
You'll need to be a
little more specific.
I mean, Mrs. Claus.
Ever since I formed my band,
she started acting all crazy.
She's always whining that I don't
spend time with her anymore.
Well, do you?
Of course.
I mean, not all the time.
I'm Santa Claus.
I'm a busy guy.
I have to make my list, check it twice.
What about after work?
I usually hit the gym,
then band practice until 3:00,
maybe 4:00, in the morning.
Then I wake up and do it all over again.
Come on, Santa.
You've gotta put in
a little more effort.
Yeah, dude.
Mrs. Claus is lonely, not crazy.
[SCREAMING]
If you don't stop, we'll crash!
I don't care.
I'd rather die than spend
another Christmas alone!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
I have an idea.
You could include Mrs.
Claus more in your life.
Maybe she could run your social media.
That could work!
She's actually quite active on Facebook.
Loves inspirational quotes,
hates vaccines,
loves memes about hating vaccines.
[THUDDING]
[REINDEER WHEEZING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Leave my family alone,
you roided-out bastard!
It's okay, Dad.
We're cool with Santa now.
We started a new chapter.
- We did?
- It's water under the bridge, Smith.
I need to apologize to you guys.
I never should have ditched
you for Bullock's party.
Clearly.
I was so busy looking for
love from everyone else,
I forgot that all the love I need
is right here. With you.
Okay, Stan, that sounds from the heart.
And we forgive you.
I'm okay.
But I don't think I learned any lessons.
[CLARISSA GROANS]
My baby!
[GRUNTS]
- Kris?
- Sweet Clarissa.
I was so busy looking for
love from everyone else,
I forgot that all the
love I need is right here.
With you.
[KLAUS] Santa straight-up
stole Stan's lesson.
I decided to cancel the band's tour.
I want to spend more time with you.
Oh, Santa.
I'm really sorry I slept with Stan.
You did what?
You seem jealous.
Are you jealous? Tell me you're jealous.
Smith!
I didn't touch her.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
What is with this weather?
When I got dressed up to [BLEEP]
last night, it was a low 50s.
Now I look ridiculous.
I thought we started a new chapter.
That chapter is over!
In this one, you die!
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
The American Dad. What a silly goose.
Bye, bye! See you soon!