American Dragon: Jake Long (2005) s01e07 Episode Script

Professor Rotwood's Thesis

A good night to you all.
Next time the corned beef's on me,
don't you know?
Top of the evenin' to you, lassie.
And what might your name be?
Malfunction. Malfunction.
Oh, Mal Function.
Would that be short for Mallory then?
Ah, is it just me, lass,
or are you sensin' sparks between us?
What do you think?
I think you've fallen
for our hunting decoy.
We use it to lure out our prey.
And despite the malfunction,
it appears to have worked.
Now hand over the gold, leprechaun.
-Sorry, baby,
But gold-digging definitely drops you
a few points on the "hot meter."
You're the one about to be dropped,
dragon boy.
Finish him!
(GERMAN ACCENT) Scientific log,
night 739 of urban
nocturnal surveillance.
Still no proof of the existence of
(GASPS) At last!
After all these years!
OFFICER: All right, peeper, show's over.
No, wait! I have just captured
a magical creature on ze film!
I am about to become the most
respected scientist in ze world!
-Sure you are, pal.
-Tell you what. I'll call ahead
and reserve our special
"respected scientist" holding cell.
-Watch the head now.
He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun
He's young and fast
He's the chosen one
People, we're not braggin'
He's the American Dragon
He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power
Dragon teeth, dragon tail
burnin' dragon fire
A real live wire
American Dragon
JAKE: Dragon up!
American Dragon
Oh, oh, oh, whoa!
He's the American Dragon
Break it down with the dragon.
His skills are gettin' faster
With Grandpa, the master
His destiny, what's up, G?
It's showtime, baby, for the legacy
American Dragon
From the "J" to the "A"
to the "K" to the "E"
I'm the Mack Daddy dragon of the NYC
Ya heard?
GRANDPA: Jake! Get back to work!
Aw, man.
So, class, feast your eyeballs
on my latest scientific discovery.
Uh, Mr. Rotwood
Yeah! I'm lookin' at your flier,
and the only thing
my eyeballs is feastin' on
is a big red and yellow blob.
It looks kind of like
my mom's lasagna.
My mom's lasagna flyin'
and doin' kung fu!
Hyah! Hoo!
Nein! This is not any pasta!
It is a dragon or a sphinx
Or maybe a griffin.
Maybe. I don't know.
And I am ze first
to capture one on film,
-Whatever it is!
But that's all fairy tale,
mumbo-jumbo stuff.
Oh, yes. It's mumbly-jumbly stuff,
of course. The fairy tales.
But let me explain to you
these three things.
Number one, zere is
a magical creature loose in New York City.
Number two,
I am offering a $500 reward
for physical evidence
of said creature.
And number three,
and perhaps most important,
-it is Professor Rotwood!
Rotwood is trippin' hard.
Oh, yeah. Totally.
I wonder if my mom even knows
that her lasagna escaped?
The clock's running down!
We need a touchdown to win it!
You and your friends hungry?
You want something to eat?
No, no, we cool, Grandma!
We just tryin' to make a fourth-quarter
comeback up in this piece!
Trixie, Captain Bierholtz's
called in sick,
So I'm flying the entire
London to Tokyo to L.A. run.
-I won't be back until Thursday.
-Yeah. A'ight, Mom.
Behave yourself.
Write to your father
And listen to your grandmother. Promise?
-I promise. Love you, Mom.
-Love you, too.
-Bye, kids!
-Bye, Miss Carter.
Fly safe. Watch out for
flying lasagna up there.
You hear?
Where you goin', girl?
-I'm right here, Grandma!
-Oh! You hungry?
-You and your friends want some food?
-No! We straight!
A'ight, only time for one more play.
Hey, yo, Jake, run a deep post.
Spud, pick up that red dog blitz.
I'm open! I'm open!
Yeah! That's right!
That's what's up, baby!
We're the champions
of a world that doesn't exist!
And the extra point is
Oh, no! Not Mom's Suitton crystal!
What are you doin' in there?
What's that about the crystal?
Uh, nothing, Grandma! It's cool!
I was just welcoming
over my new friend!
-Her name is crystal!
What, uh (HIGH-PITCHED) Right!
I'm Crystal!
Nice place you got here, Trixie!
And that Spud is one cool and hot Ow!
Your friend Crystal want somethin' to eat?
Mom is going to straight freak!
That was an antique, one-of-a-kind
Suitton vase.
Dad gave it to her
on their first anniversary.
SPUD: That vase wasn't one-of-a-kind.
According to this stamp,
It was a limited edition of 100 pieces.
Now let's go find another one!
Uh, I'm lost.
You have exquisite taste.
Suitton crystal, 1912. Mint condition.
Wrap it up, Jack!
I'll take it.
Uh, very well.
That will be $600
all wrapped up.
Did you just say $600?
Now, how much
if we get it unwrapped?
SPUD: 62, 63
We've $16.63.
I'm doomed. Doomed!
She's getting hysterical!
Get a hold of yourself, woman!
Just chill, guys.
The three of us are friends for life
And friends for real.
If we put out minds to it,
there's nothing we can't do.
Yeah! A'ight! You right!
Let's get it crackin'.
SPUD: And 600 cents.
That's $6.00
Wait a second. We lost $10.63.
I'm doomed.
She's losing it again!
Woman, get a grip!
Guys, guys, it's just a setback.
So we still need, let's see
Carry the one
Uh, listen
I got an idea.
Meet me back here
in a couple of hours.
Dragon up!
Work it. Own it. Now pout for me.
Jake, I'm not feeling it.
Just take the pictures, Haley.
And print
And bingo.
-What? Who's there? Go away!
Oh, it's you. What do you want?
The dollars, yo.
Huh! So, this is where you live.
Uh, real nice crib you got here, Mr
I mean, Professor Rotwood.
Ah. Well, enough
of the pleasant chitty-chat, eh?
You have evidence for me, ja?
Yo, do I ever.
Chika-check it out.
So I'd like the reward in cash.
It's all about the Benjamins, baby. Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!
Shame on you, Mr. Jake Long.
These photographs
are obviously a ridiculous hoax.
Say what? Those were way better
than that lasagna picture
you handed out in class.
Exactly. These are too good.
No one could
get this close to an actual dragon,
particularly an amateur such as yourself.
Now take this away from my face!
Oh, man!
Trixie, you're gonna sell
your what to science?
No, just hang tight.
I'm totally on this.
Mmm-hmm! Interesting.
Uh-huh. Hmm.
These are clearly fake!
What? No! Those are genuine dragon scales
and claws for real.
(LAUGHS) You should know better
Than trying to fool
a trained mythobiologist, Mr. Long.
Dragon claws glow in the dark.
Everyone knows this.
And their scales
have the faintest odor of lavender.
Lavender? Glow in the dark?
That's crazy! They do not!
You wouldn't know a dragon
if it took a bite out of your butt.
You flaunt your ignorance, Mr. Long.
Dragons go for the throat and have
acute allergies to human "buttockses."
What? Aw, forget you.
Glow in the dark. (SCOFFS)
LEPRECHAUN: Help, help, don't you know.
Eye of the dragon.
End of the line, leprechaun.
So much for the luck of the Irish.
Say good-bye, leprechaun. (GRUNTS)
JAKE: Not so fast.
Don't you ever take a day off? (GRUNTS)
I've been dreaming
about slaying a dragon since birth.
-Well, keep dreamin'!
SPUD: We could try
back alley turtle racing.
Or, uh, pull-it-as-I-go carts.
I hear that could be pretty lucrative.
Spud, puh-luh-luh-ease.
Don't even come at me
with anymore schemes.
I need paper,
cold, hard, loose change.
And it ain't gonna
just drop down out of the sky and
Whoa! That's one big lasagna.
Maybe I'm dreaming
Or maybe you're dreaming.
Hey, what are you doing
dreaming about me anyway, huh?
Is it dead?
It's still breathing.
-Breathing fire.
Out of both ends? Wha
Breathing and tooting fire?
Hold fast.
Come on, Spudinky.
Don't just stand there.
Grab the head.
Not my head, boy!
The dragon's!
Finally! Scientific log
I will now decipher
the mystical inscription
On the lost Aztec tablet
of Monte Rubio. It says
Hey, you! Open up!
TRIXIE: What up, what up?
You in there, Mr. Rotwood?
Professor! It's Professor Rotwood.
Now what is it?
What do you hoodlums want?
-We here to get paid!
-Believe that.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No more hoaxes and con jobs
from you little swindlers.
Now, go on. Get out of here.
Shoo! Run away!
All right, Professor.
I guess we'll just
take this genuine dragon elsewhere.
Let's roll, Spud.
Wait! Achtung! Stop!
Wait. What is that?
It's a magical creature. A dragon!
Well, heck, yeah.
Ain't that what you asked for?
SPUD: That's about as much proof
as you're ever gonna get, buddy.
Now cough up the cashola, hmm?
Well, of course
I'm coughing! I'm coughing!
I'll get the $500 immediately.
Wait right there. I'll go cough.
Oh, pop them brakes, dude. Uh-uh.
We just delivered you
a whole live dragon right to your door.
You're gonna have to
start talking more bucks than that.
Shall we open up
the negotiations, dude?
Yeah, baby!
Now that's what I call bling-bling!
(INHALES) Ah! Money smells good.
Come on. Jakey's
gonna lose his pudding when he sees this.
Wakey, wakey, Mr. Dragon.
Huh? What?
Scientific log Success at last!
I have a quiet, alive, magical creature!
How did I Professor
Uh, I mean Rawr?
I have contained the creature in the back
of a specially-reinforced armored car
-Of my own design.
The specimen displays super strength
und the ability to fly!
However, the legends of dragons
breathing fire and all of these things
have no basis in factual Ahhh!
Uh, strike that last part.
Enough with the fire!
What? What do you want?
Oh, yes. This is correct.
Bring all of your TV cameras.
I will be unveiling my discovery
at a press conference
in exactly two hours.
Hot, hot, hot, hot!
TRIXIE: Oh, Jakey, you home, baby?
Where are you, bro?
Ahem! I'm not usually supposed to
let friends into his room unsupervised.
He's afraid they might
find out about his teddy bear collection
And the fact that he sleeps
with a night light every night
since he was two.
Man, where is Jake?
We gotta let him know that we're gonna
have enough dinero left over
to buy some new skateboards
and all that.
Maybe he, like,
went and robbed an art museum.
Or perhaps he went
on some reality show to win the money.
Or, you know, I dunno.
Shush! Look!
TRIXIE: (GASPS) I don't believe it.
I don't believe it either!
And I don't even know
what the heck's going on.
The dragon? Jake?
The dragon ate Jake?
Oh, man. What a way to go!
No! The dragon didn't eat Jake!
Look at this!
The dragon is Jake!
I'm even more confused
than usual.
What does it mean and how does
my mom's lasagna fit into all this?
I'll tell you
what it means.
It means we just sold our best friend
to Rotwood for cash!
I can't believe we
just sold Jake out to Rotwood like that!
Man, we really are
greedy and cold-hearted.
I, like, hate us!
Come on, yo! Let's make move!
We gotta do something!
-Open up!
Hello? Hello?
What? What is it?
Go away!
Listen, Professor.
There's been a bit of a misunderstanding.
We need our dragon back pronto.
Your dragon? (LAUGHS)
I don't think so!
It is now my dragon, is it not?
Now, who sent you?
Dr. Van Horn with that hair?
Or Professor Becksley?
Mr. Bixley Becksley!
Look, dude, nobody sent us.
We just want the dragon.
Look, we'll even
give you all your money back.
Plus our own $6.00.
Nein! I am on my way
to a press conference
that will make me
the most respected scientist in the world!
You want a dragon?
Here, take this one.
-Good day.
-Man, why didn't Jake tell us?
We all harbor dark secrets.
My third toe is longer
than all my other toes.
Keep that one to yourself, homey.
Now, we gotta get Jake
some kind of help.
Do you think his mom and dad know?
-About my toe?
-No! Not about your funky toe!
Hold up, hold up.
What about Jake's grandfather?
That old working in the shop business.
Big Ernie, hey, listen up.
I like the number four jackalope
in the fifth race and the
My bad for busting in
on y'all like this.
(WHISPERING) I'll call you back.
Woof woof!
-We're friends of Jake.
-He is not here.
Jake, he's a dragon, ain't he?
(CHUCKLES) A dragon? Oh, no!
Ah, the imagination of the young,
it's like a butterfly in the rain.
Jake's a dragon. Well, that probably means
you're one, too, right?
-Well, I
-Drop the act, Gramps. They know.
How are you doin', kids?
Ahhh! It's that crazy dog up it!
And look, it really talks.
Very sharp, sweetheart.
Check out the king-size brain on this one.
After today,
nothing will surprise me ever again.
You must understand.
Jake's identity is a secret.
No one can know what he is.
That's just the problem, bud.
Yeah. The whole world
is about to find out what Jake is
And it's all our fault.
Here we go.
Uh, shouldn't you
be the one behind the wheel?
I don't have a license.
Oh, but the talking dog does.
Well, he has a dog license.
Hey, huh? Do you mind?
The talking dog is trying
to concentrate over here. Oh, yeah!
FU DOG: Hold tight, kiddies,
We're passing on the right!
Keep it steady.
-JAKE: Grandpa!
-Hold on!
Oh, unbelievable!
Another one!
Take this, Mr. Dragon.
FU DOG: hang on!
Hey, stick a sock in that horn!
Can't you see we got a situation here?
I oughta I mean Woof!
Sorry. I am off duty.
This is yours, buddy,
If you can get us to the Hoboken
Scientific Institute in 10 minutes flat.
-That, plus $6.00 tip.
-Buckle up, kids!
Six years ago, I was fired
from this very institution
for my controversial
yet brilliant theories
on the existence
of magical creatures.
SPUD: (QUIETLY) It won't budge.
Trixie! Spud!
Oh, I mean, umAhem!
(GRUFF VOICE) I'm a big,
scary dragon! Rawr!
TRIXIE: Kill it, Jake.
We know it's you.
Now hang tight.
We about to spring you, baby.
There's no way.
Rotwood's got this truck
built like a vault.
You guys just better get out of here.
-No chance, bro.
-We're here for you, Jakey.
Friends for life and friends for real.
Now this is how it's going down.
Listen up. Holla!
And so it's time to change
the very course of human history
und science with one startling revelation!
Aw, we're too late!
Behold the dragon!
Hey, Professor Rotwood,
can I take this thing off yet?
Hey, what's crackulating, y'all?
(GASPS) You! But But
What have you done with my dragon?
No, no, no!
Come back! Listen to me!
There was a real dragon
in the back of this truck!
A big, red, nice one, oh, with big eyes!
It's true!
This is a misunderstanding!
This boy is just one of
my wretched students!
That's one of your students?
You mind explaining why you have him
locked up in the back of a truck?
Well, I Well, I Could I
I think you better come with us.
No! Wait! Let go of me!
There was a dragon!
Oh, it was a beautiful dragon, I tell you!
Oh, with such big eyes!
I am a top scientist, a genius!
Don't touch me!
Oh, thanks, guys.
FU DOG: Some phoenix feather, ba-boom!
A little Venus flytrap root, ba-bing!
And presto!
One mind-erase potion.
There's been many a morning
I could have used a few of these. Yeesh.
So, what? I just pour this
into Trixie and Spud's drink?
It will make them
forget everything magical they have seen.
But they're my friends!
I know, but there are rules.
The World Dragon Council
would never allow them to know.
What? Is it the Huntsman?
What? Where? Where are they?
Oh, keep your knickers on, laddie.
I just never got a chance
to thank you is all.
I don't know how you did it, Jakey.
It was nothin'. I used a piece of gold
from this leprechaun and he
Well, the It's a long story.
Listen, Jake. Spud and I
want you to know something.
This whole magical thing
Look, man, we don't care
if you're a dragon, a troll,
-a unicorn
-Or even my mom's lasagna.
Yeah. Point is, we're friends for life,
and friends for real,
and that's what's up.
Whatever she just said, totally.
Trixie, what you doin', girl?
You hungry in there?
You want something to eat?
Nah. No, thanks, Grandma.
Come on, y'all.
Let me give y'all the business
of this game real quick.
Jake, what's up?
You with us, baby?
I'm with you Most definitely.
Scientific log
Begin working on a new theory
concerning a dragon's natural ability
to shapeshift into human form.
Also, keep a close eye on Mr. Jake Long.
That's a very nice tattoo.
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