American Dragon: Jake Long (2005) s01e10 Episode Script

Bodyguard Duty

You call that a block?
Oh, my grandmother
could take that guy out,
and she's 1,400 years old!
Hey, hey! I'm only 1,392!
Down in front, Grandma, huh?
So anyway, if the
rushing ogre clips the left winger,
he gets six free throws and Incoming!
Whoa. Does anyone ever
get hit by those things?
Kid, come on.
This game is about team-building
and sportsmanship, not violence and
-Oh! Oh!
Fight! Fight!
(GRANDMA GRUNTING) Take this, you
Tempers are high.
See, the winner of this game
goes on to the Ogre Bowl,
the grand-daddy of all boulder ball games.
Guard your grill, Grandma!
Whoo! And that was just the first period.
How many periods are there?
Well, let's see.
Uh, we're playing winter rules,
so Only 17.
Can you believe it? Quadruple overtime!
Aw, this is history, kid.
Maybe it'll end in a tie.
(SPUTTERS) Amateur.
Mr. Long!
-Ogre foul!
The correct answer is cyclops.
Mr. Long, Friday's
test counts for you know what?
50% of your grade,
so, if you don't shape up by then,
you will get
the distinct pleasure of seeing me,
Professor Rotwood, in the Bermuda shorts
with the flippy-floppy sandals.
Summer school!
Aw, man.
He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
People, we're not braggin' ♪
He's the American Dragon ♪
He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
A real live wire ♪
American Dragon ♪
Dragon up!
American Dragon ♪
Oh, oh, oh, whoa!
He's the American Dragon ♪
Break it down with the dragon ♪
His skills are gettin' faster ♪
With Grandpa, the master ♪
His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
American Dragon ♪
From the J to the A ♪
To the K to the E ♪
I'm the mackdaddy dragon of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
GRANDPA: Jake! Get back to work!
Aw, man.
Uh-uh. Come on, Fu!
Just a little memory potion
to get me by until after I pass the test.
Oh, Jake.
Cutting one corner just leads to two more.
Uh, you just cut up my homework.
The scissors of life
may cut you many things,
But Hi-ya!
Do not question your Dragon Master!
I have an important mission for you.
Hi, Jake!
Remember us? You will!
Oh, yeah. The Oracle Twins.
So are you the one that
only sees the good stuff
or the bad stuff?
You're gonna get
a nasty case of poison ivy
all over your head in July.
A pox upon your face! (GIGGLES)
Right. Bad stuff.
Well, then, that must make you
the one who sees all the good stuff.
What's up?
You're cavity-free this year.
-Root canal next year!
Jake, the Oracle Twins
are in grave danger.
Someone is after them.
Herbert! What does a goblin crime boss
want with the Oracle Twins?
He plans to capture the twins
and force them to make predictions
on the outcome of the Ogre Bowl.
(GASPS) Using a magical gift
to try and turn a profit!
Will those goblins stop at nothing?
Check out the centaur racing page.
Anything jump out at you?
Anything? Throw me a bone, will ya, huh?
I'm a bad dog.
(WHISPERS) We'll talk later.
Jake, as the American Dragon,
you must protect the Oracle Twins
until after the Ogre Bowl.
Yo, Gramps, I'm all over it.
How about I pick y'all up on Friday
after my mythology test?
No! The Ogre Bowl is Friday.
-Sorry, young one.
But you must find a way
to balance your school work
and your dragon duties.
Thanks for your help.
And, uh, don't slip on the newt eyeballs!
Newt eyeballs? What newt eyeballs?
Ew! Talk about rolling your eyes!
(LAUGHS HEARTILY) I got a million of 'em.
Yo, if you ladies can see everything,
can't you just see when Herbert's coming
and make a run for it?
Ugh. We can't see everything, Einstein.
Hmm. They may be descendants
of the Oracle of Delphi,
but the bloodline's thin
after a couple thousand years.
I just get visions
Horrible, disturbing visions
that haunt my every waking moment.
Not to mention my nightmares.
Mine always seem to have cinnamon rainbows
and gingham puppies in them.
I hate puppies.
Oh, I hear you, Sister.
The chewing, the yapping,
the carpet stains Aw, blech.
I knew it.
We've been replaced.
It was only a matter of time
until you got cuter sidekicks.
Speak for yourself, Spud.
Yo, I told you, they're not my sidekicks.
They're my job.
I have to bodyguard them.
We're posing as
his cousins from out of town.
I forgive you for spitting soda
all over me. (GIGGLES)
What? Ain't nobody spit!
(CLEARS THROAT) You didn't yet.
Kara and Sarah see flashes of the future.
Kara sees good stuff.
Sarah sees bad stuff.
Quit playin'!
Okay, okay. What do y'all see about me?
Come on, come on, hook Mama Trixie up
with a little something something.
You and yo-yo boy are gonna tie the knot.
(SPEWS) What the Huh?
Yo, that's impossible.
I'm tying the knot with Denzel.
You and Den What?
Why didn't I get an invitation?
I knew it!
It was only a matter of time
before you replaced me
with a cuter sidekick.
I smell them approaching, boss.
Let's take them.
Not now. We must wait until they're alone.
Are you two Ready?
Blend in with them at school.
Watch their every move.
The Ogre Bowl is this Friday.
We don't have much time.
JAKE: Okay, here's the drill.
Tomorrow at 2:00 p.m.,
I have, like,
the most important test of my life,
so from now until then,
my one and only focus will be
What's up?
Oh, hey, Jake.
Nice to meet ya.
Tomorrow you're gonna
get a massive zit on your
Yo, a little advice
People in the human realm
aren't used to oracles
going around predicting stuff.
So just Yo, just chill.
You see what I'm saying?
Yeah, uh-huh.
Someone's gonna steal your pudding.
(SIGHS) Not again.
Guys, please!
Ix-nay on the isions-vays!
You You're gonna
be a Broadway star one day.
I can't hide it any longer!
I gotta dance,
and I don't care who knows it!
Attitude. Jazz hands!
And I'm off! Fosse, Fosse, Fosse, Fosse.
(GRUFF VOICE) Hey, watch it!
(COUGHS) Ahem.
I was all, Bobby likes me and not you!
And she was all, nuh-uh!
And I was all, uh-huh!
We can't help it, Jake.
The visions just come to us.
And then we have to blurt them out.
Sorry about your nasty break-up
next spring.
And on prom night, too!
(WHISPERS) Bring cab fare.
-It's physically impossible
for us not to say them.
Just like it's physically impossible
for me to touch my tongue to my nose.
You see? (GRUNTING)
Okay, fine.
But maybe you can just
sugar coat it a little.
(GRUNTS) Also impossible.
We can't lie.
Every vision we foretell is 100% true
and certain to happen.
Oh, no, no!
It can't be true!
I am not tying the knot with that!
Please! Please, tell me
you've been wrong once.
Just once! Work with me!
Um, yeah, the inside of my nose
tastes different than I thought it would.
It was kind of like chicken.
(SOBBING) Oh, God.
All right, Spud. Hit me.
Forest nymph.
No. According to Rotwood, it's a pixie.
What? I was totally wrong.
It's no wonder why I'm failing his class.
Yo, what about this?
Say if one of your vision thingies
didn't come true,
then that would prove
that we have control
over our own destinies.
Yep. Yep. Right.
It's like Shakespeare once wrote
"It is not in the stars
to hold our destiny,
"but in ourselves."
I try to hold my destiny,
but I've got a really small bladder.
Look, our visions always come true.
And Spud
is totally gonna spill chocolate milk
in approximately 30 seconds.
Oh, yeah?
Well, here's where your visions
are going down!
Yeah! Right on, Spud.
That's what's up. That's right, baby.
Where are you going?
You see? No chocolate
milk anywhere near me.
Whoa! Ow!
Your predictions, like, always come true.
Honey, I think we should
honeymoon in Bora-Bora.
Denzel Denzel
The sooner we get back to Gramp's shop,
the sooner I get some studying in.
Come on. Short cut.
Um, chain link fences and sandals
don't really go together, Jake.
Whoa! Oh!
(CHUCKLES) I should have seen that coming.
Why is that funny?
You just lost your shoe.
That's not a good thing.
You know what is a good thing?
Ice cream! I mean, seriously, yum, right?
What? Ice cream?
I don't get y'all.
It's like you only foresee
horrible, rotten stuff,
but you're always in a good mood.
And your life is nothing but
butterflies and gum drops,
but you're always mad about something.
What's the deal?
When you only see good things,
nothing is special anymore.
All the pleasant surprises
are taken out of life.
But when you see only bad stuff,
even the smallest bit of good news
makes you happy!
Dang. I guess I never
thought of it that way.
Life's too short to let a little bad news
stop you from living.
Ooh, speaking of bad news,
goblins are gonna fall from the sky!
I bet that will be exciting.
Nice work. Seize them!
(VOICE ECHOING) Dragon up!
Ha! Look out, now!
Time to take out the trash!
Whoo! Ha! Ha!
Put a lid on it, yo!
Get him!
Hey, you goblins don't quit!
Ooh! This entire alley is gonna be awash
with rotten fish. Pee-ew!
Fish! That's it!
Sniff it up, goblins!
-The stench!
It's awful! It's awful!
It pains me! Curse my sensitive nose!
Thanks for saving us.
And for dragging us down a dark alley
where we were sitting ducks!
Hey, thanks for hooking
me up in that fish tip.
I couldn't have beat
the goblins without it.
I just call 'em like I see 'em.
Speaking of seeing,
congratulations, genius.
You're gonna get number four right
on your mythology test.
Those guys were totally
overrated, if you ask me.
Uh, did you just have a vision
about the right answers
to my mythology test?
Looks that way.
(CHUCKLES) I'd kiss you
if I didn't think
you'd slap the living daylights out of me.
Ooh, good call.
I like kisses!
Okay, okay. Just clear your mind
and give me some more visions
from the test.
It's tomorrow, 2:00.
Jake, we can't ask for visions to come.
They just do. Oh!
Spud's gonna get number 12 wrong.
-What does he answer?
Awesome! Four is argonaut.
Twelve is false.
Keep 'em coming.
And while you're at it,
any thoughts on the Ogre Bowl?
Papa needs a new pair of shoes.
Well, they're not real shoes.
They're like paw socks.
They protect your pads.
Fu! Don't distract them!
Okay, let's talk about the essay section.
How's it going in here?
BOTH: Great!
Ah, just practicing my paper training.
Ha. Oh! Talk about your yellow journalism.
(GIGGLES) We're just helping Jake
cheat on his mythology test!
What? No, no, not cheat.
We We It was Uh
Jake, remember, the easy way
is not always the best way.
When you cut corners
Ah! I I know!
Ah! I know!
Yo, Mr. Rot!
Nein! Professor!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just wanted to tell you that
I'm looking forward to your test today ♪
But you might have to invent
A grade higher than an A ♪
The Ogre Bowl is this afternoon.
We have to get those twins.
Uh, what are you looking at, Sister?
You think you're all that?
That's right, keep walking, honey.
Bobby's mine, you hear me?
Whew. Thanks again
for the tip about that skunked meat loaf.
My pleasure!
Look, I'm just saying,
you know onions give you heartburn.
It's my life, woman!
Oh, oh, it's your life?
Well, what about the life that
we're supposed to be building together?
What about little Shaniqua and Denzelina?
I'm supposed to tell them
that daddy can't take them to Gym-O-Rama
because he's burping up onions.
Thank you very much. I appreciate that.
That Rose girl!
What? What's up? Is she okay?
Did she go for the meat loaf?
No, but someone's gonna
take the last pudding
before she gets it.
Oh, are they?
-My pudding!
This is better for you, anyway.
(SIGHS) You're right.
(CLEARS THROAT) Puddin', m'lady?
You got me the last one.
That's what friends are for.
Okay, wait a minute. You said someone else
was gonna take the last pudding.
Hello, someone did. Jake.
Yeah, but But if you hadn't have
And then he wouldn't have
Then you Huh?
My head hurts.
Our visions always come true,
just not always in the way you expect.
Now's our chance. Quick
Before Dragon Boy comes.
What? She digs me.
(HIGH-PITCHED) And like,
you know Bobby will totally dump Shelley
as soon as her roots show. Dye job, much?
Yo, I think we're totally onto something
with this Rose thing.
So after we take the mythology test,
maybe we can go and vision
some stuff about her.
Pixie schnitzel!
That's what I'm talking about, some
What in the heck is a pixie schnitzel?
I just got a strong vision
of us smelling pixie schnitzel.
Oh! And Rose is totally gonna
trip down stairs
in, like, 30 seconds.
Yo! I'm on it!
Watch your step, there.
Whoo. You always seem to be
at the right place
at the right time these days.
Speaking of the right time
Thanks for the pudding.
Care to join us for the test, Mr. Long?
Uh, I, uh
My My cousins are supposed to sit
Hey, hey! Watch it!
Uh, this is sort of a bad time.
You're telling me.
Wait until you hear this message
from the Oracle Twins.
The bad news is we're gonna
get nabbed by Herbert! (GIGGLES)
The good news is, you're gonna rescue us.
My hero.
The bad news is
you're gonna get hit by a boulder
going 180 miles per hour.
Wow! That's gonna hurt!
Here. Gotta go to the bathroom.
You realize that if you leave,
-you will fail this test.
Ah. Must have been the meat loaf.
Kara! Sarah!
Hey, everybody, the Bronx Droolers
and the Jersey Knuckle-Draggers have been
tossing boulders at each other for years.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, maybe they should
just throw around J.T.'s big bald head!
-Everybody come on!
-Kid, you're just in time!
We gotta get over to Madison Square
Jake, where are the Oracle Twins?
GRANDPA: Herbert never misses
the Ogre Bowl.
I am sure the twins
are in there somewhere.
Closed for renovations?
Code for secret magical event inside.
Trust me.
By the time the Ogre Bowl is over,
they'll need to renovate.
Aw, we're never gonna
find them in this place.
-They could be anywhere.
Pixie schnitzel.
Kid, now is not the time
to be thinking about that delicious,
steaming fresh schnitzel
that the pixies serve with
the little sprinkles and the
Okay, just a quick one.
No! Pixie schnitzel.
Sarah had a vision
of them smelling it. There!
GOBLIN: Come on. Yum.
Tell us who's gonna win the game,
and you'll get all the pixie schnitzel
your heart desires.
Great. Thanks.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Okay, like,
sorry, rude girl.
I don't know who you think you are,
-Frank, it's over.
You're not in school anymore.
You'll regret going out with Shelley!
You hear me, Bobby?
Beauty is only skin deep!
-Skin deep!
That's enough!
-It's not too late
for some serious half-time bets,
so you ladies better start foreseeing
some Ogre Bowl action
or else.
Or else what, Herbie?
Just let the twins
I'm going to make a gold mine
off these oracles.
Ahhh! (THUDS)
-They're not just oracles.
They're people,
and you can't just use them
for your own selfish reasons.
Oh, speaking of that,
how's Rose?
She's great, thanks.
Wait, wait. I didn't use
I mean, I didn't use I mean
Enough chitter chatter.
It's time to play some halftime action.
-Fu! Let's go!
Hey, those boulders are really
picking up speed now!
Some of them have been clocked at over
180 miles per hour.
J.T., I'm scared. What are you?
Wait. 180 miles per hour
If I go out there, I'll
Here goes nothing.
Dragon on the field!
Dragon on the field!
Ha! What's your hurry, Herbie?
Kid, behind you!
Huh? Oh, gosh!
Say what?
Jake! Oh, talk to me.
Oh I gotta get out of here.
I'm gonna get hit by a boulder
going 180 miles per hour!
Already happened, kid.
Hey, can I get a little help over here?
Let's take a look at that last play.
The boulder here was going
180 miles per hour,
but Jake was flying
at a cruising speed of 179.
That makes the relative speed
of the boulder a mere one mile an hour,
nothing but a harmless tap.
(CHUCKLING) Now, if it was J.T.'s
big bald head that hit ya,
that would have been
another story, right, J.T.?
'Cause that's a rock.
That's a big, hard
All right, smarty pants, take a walk.
Thanks for saving us!
I knew you would.
I believe this is yours.
I'll take that.
Hey! Hey! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Stop! That's the thanks I get
for saving your life?
Well, if you hadn't abandoned us
in the hallway,
you wouldn't have had to save our lives
in the first place
Not that we don't totally appreciate it!
I'm just saying you could have called.
I kept dinner warm for you all night.
Yo, whatever. I ate dinner at home.
You always eat dinner at home!
We need to communicate
if we want this thing to work!
Hold up. I gotta tie my shoe.
Does the rabbit go through the hole
or under the hole?
(GROANS) Give me that!
We're tying this thing
in a knot once and for all.
Huh. We tied the knot.
The prediction!
That's what Oracle Girl was talking about.
Ha! We tied the knot!
You mean we don't have to
The wedding is off, dudette!
-Hear that, ladies of NYC?
Spud is once again a free man!
Mmm. Denzel, honey
You keep the light on
for Mama Trixie, okay?
Does that mean we don't
get to go to Bora-Bora?
So, uh, I guess I wasn't
the best bodyguard, huh?
Well, you did give up your test
to save us.
Oh, speaking of the test
Yes! Good news, I passed!
Actually, everyone's gonna
have to take a whole new test.
Something involving bad meat loaf.
Ugh. You'll find out tomorrow.
Listen, we owe you one.
If you want, we can hang out
and see if any visions
from the new test hit us.
Thanks, but no more shortcuts.
I think I'll take care of this one myself.
Well, thanks for risking
your life to save us,
knowing you were gonna get hit
by that boulder and everything.
Hey! Life's too short to let
a little bad news keep you from living.
-That's a super duper attitude!
You should keep that in mind
when you find out the dark,
awful truth about Rose.
Well (GIGGLES) Night!
What? What What What truth?
Hey, guys!
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