American Horror Stories (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

The Naughty List

(knife slashes)
All the crazy shit I did tonight ♪
ZINN: Welcome to the Bro House,
a nonstop party
where the only rule is
bro rule. And who are we?
That would be the
best therapy for me ♪
(all whooping, cheering)
Chug, chug, chug!
Hey, hey ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪

No excuses. No limits.
That's what we say around
here. That's how we roll.
We're not gonna do all the
crazy shit that everyone else
is doing. We're gonna go crazier.
We're gonna be better.
What's up, everybody?
It's your boy Zinn.
Uh, I'm 26. I am bad news, they say.
- (chuckles)
- (siren wailing)
We are here in the Bro House.
What is the Bro House,
you may be asking?
Well, it's just me and
my three best homeys
living in this dope-ass place
doing crazy shit together.
Whatever feels good, you know?
- Welcome to the Bro House!
- (cheering, shouting)
No limits, no boundaries.
That's just the way we roll
around here. I mean,
the crazier the better.
Ice Bucket Challenge.
(scream repeating)
(James laughing)
Fuck you, little bitch!
Why we gonna do what
everyone else is doing?
On my, on my 'cence, yeah. ♪
Girl, it's obvious,
elephant in the room ♪
And we're part of it,
don't act so confused ♪
And you love startin' it ♪
Hi, I'm Wyatt.
27. I'm from Newport Beach.
I like to drink and surf,
always at the same time.
I'm the laid-back guy.
People like to think and say
that it means I'm slow, but I'm not.
Um, before I was an
influencer, I was premed.
Uh, I could've been your doctor.
Good morning. Are you
ready for your breast exam?
That's good, right?
Don't do that. Come on. (grunts)
Yo, yo, yo. I'm Barry, 28.
From Connecticut.
I'm kind of the tech guy.
I keep things moving around
here. Put out the fires.
Saran Wrap Challenge.
(James and Zinn laughing)
But try to play it cool ♪
Literally, they almost
burned down the house twice.
I'm-I'm behind the camera, mostly.
Zinn decided that, and I'm
I'm totally cool with it.
I won't ever let a
shorty go and set me up ♪
Only thing I need to know is ♪
Guys and gals, I'm James.
Uh, I'm 25.
I couldn't believe it when the
guys asked me to move in here.
I-I had my own YouTube
channel back in Florida
at my parents' house reviewing
beauty products for guys,
but this is way better.
I mean, I wouldn't
trade it for anything.
The drinking, the partying, the girls.
Definitely the girls.
Can never have enough girls around.
Why you always in a mood? ♪
Fuckin' round ♪
Zinn, Wyatt and me the fam
We're, like, pushing 30,
- which is, like, 40 in influencer years.
- (screams)
You get up there in
years, you become invisible
to the audience.
And it's all about the subscriptions
and the likes, and to
get those and keep 'em,
you got to keep riding the edge.
Least, that's what Zinn says.
Yeah. ♪

(electronic beeping)
Yo, guys. Think we actually got someone.
WYATT: What? Where?
ZINN: Oh, shit, I see him.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude, I told you if we
hung out long enough,
we'd spot a jumper.
(chuckles): It's Suicide Bridge, bro.
Dude, a lot of people, they
spiral around the holidays.
JAMES: What if he's just out walking?
On a bridge at this
time dressed like my dad?
(chuckles) Dude, if I looked like that,
I'd want to jump, too!
Maybe we should call the police.
Call the police? Dude,
they'd never get here in time.
The dude's ready to fly!
BARRY: Zinn, we can't just sit here
and watch somebody kill
themselves. It's wrong.
We're not just gonna sit here, Barry.
We're gonna record it.
He wants to go out this way,
it's his God-given right.
Shit, he's climbing over the side.
Dude. Dude, dude, dude, come
on. Come on. Get Let's go.
Get the camera on him.
We've been here 16 hours.
We're not missing this.
(laughs) All right, yo.
What's up, everybody?
It's your boy Zinn.
I'm here with Wyatt, James and Barry.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
- This is crazy.
- This dude is about to take
a permanent vacation,
and we are here to see it.
(laughs) Now, will he have the balls?
I don't know. We're about to find out.
(Wyatt squeals)
(chanting): Bro House. Bro House.
Bro House. Bro House.
Bro House. Bro House. Bro House.
Bro House!
Bro House! Bro House!
Bro House! Bro House! Bro House!
Bro House! Bro House!
Bro House! Bro House!
- JAMES: Oh!
- ZINN: Oh, shit!
- WYATT: Oh, my God!
- This is crazy!
Did you get that?
That just happened. (laughs)
Yo, we got to give it up for this dude.
He went out like a
boss! The way he wanted.
No excuses. No limits.
Guys, we can't actually post this.
Why not? It happened.
It's an easy
million-subscriber spike, bro.
Or a serious backlash.
Why didn't you say something
before we spent all night here?
This is getting posted, dude.
- It's crazy.
- Hey, his body landed over there somewhere.
We should film it.
- (chuckles) You crazy bastard.
- Let's film it.
- No. What?
- ZINN: Bro.
We already filmed a dude
killing himself. Like
- A million subscribers.
- Come on. Million.
You don't want that?
(chuckles) Look at his face.
Come on. We can't not listen to that.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
That's right.
Come on, baby. Come on, baby!
(laughing, cheering)

Just hear those sleigh
bells jingling ♪
Ring tingle tingling, too ♪
Ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding ♪
Come on, it's lovely weather ♪
For a sleigh ride together with you ♪
Ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding ♪
Outside, the snow is falling ♪
And friends are calling "Yoo-hoo" ♪
- Think about it before you upload it.
- Man, you got
to cut the Debbie Downer shit.
I mean, call the police?
Are you serious?
Yeah, but all it takes is one bad post.
Look at Logan Paul or
PewDiePie or Patt Starr.
Dude, all those people
are still doing their shit,
and they've got more
subscribers than ever.
You're living in ancient times.
We're past "Charlie Bit My Finger," man.
People want to see what
they've never seen before.
Especially because we're
closer to 30 than we are 20.
You see a lot of
30-year-olds doing this shit?
- No.
- No.
If we want the views,
we got to up the content,
or we say bye-bye to all this.
The Bro House needs your voice.
You're funny when you want to be.
Promise me you're gonna
get your mojo back.
Okay. I'll work on it.
I love you.
I know what I'm doing. I'm not an idiot.
(chomps teeth)
- Bro House! (whoops)
- (partygoers cheering)
Yeah, I'll take the other stairs.
DJ: Let's give it up for
one of our hosts, Zinn
and the Bro House!
(chanting): Bro House!
Bro House! Bro House!
Bro House! Bro House!
Bro House!
Bro House! Bro House!
DJ: And remember, if you need
to keep that holiday energy up,
just release the Kraken!
- Official sponsors of Bro House.
- (cheering and whistling)
Okay, in ten seconds, the
next Bro House post goes up,
and I'm told it's the craziest ever!
- That's right!
- DJ: Let's do the count.
ALL: Nine. Eight.
Seven. Six. Five.
Four. Three.
Two. One.
ZINN: What's up, everybody?
It's your boy Zinn.
I'm here with Wyatt, James
and Barry. You guys are
not gonna believe this.
- JAMES: This is crazy.
- ZINN: This dude
is about to take a permanent vacation,
and we are here to see it.
(laughs) Yo, we're gonna hit
four mil tonight. I can feel it!
- Fuck four mil. I say five mil.
- (chanting): Bro House!
- Five mil.
- Five mil.
(chanting): Five mil. Five mil.
Five mil! Five mil!
- ZINN: Oh, shit!
- Five mil! Five mil!
- Five mil! Five mil!
- ZINN: Did you get that?
- Five mil! Five mil!
- JAMES: This is crazy!
- ZINN: That just happened.
- Five mil! Five mil!
Five mil!
(groaning, jeering)
I mean, we got to
give it up for the guy.
He went out like a boss!
The way he wanted.
No excuses. No limits.
That's how you do it.
ZINN (chuckles):
Yo, this is a nightmare.
- What?
- It says
we're down another 50,000 followers.
Maybe you're reading it wrong.
Dude, I'm not. I'm not reading it wrong.
We're cratering. Hard.
- They didn't like the jumper.
- JAMES: I'm too afraid
to read it. I Tell
me, what'd they say?
No, don't tell me.
No, tell me.
"You guys are sick."
- Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
- ZINN: No.
Not good sick, Wyatt. Bad sick.
Like we need therapy or something.
This one says, "You exploited
this man's pain to get likes.
You should be banned from the Internet."
"I hope you die." "Do the world a favor
and follow the guy off
the bridge." I mean
- That's hostile, bro.
- ZINN: Yeah,
and this is the nice stuff. (chuckles)
Barry was right. I can't believe it.
By tomorrow, people
won't even remember it.
BARRY: Oh, they'll remember.
The "Bro House is over party" hashtag
is trending on Twitter,
and there's a petition on
to have our channels shut down.
It's already at 400,000 signatures.
It gets worse. The dead man's family
is holding a press conference
this afternoon to denounce us.
Jesus Christ, what?
- Attention whores.
- BARRY: I mean,
it's just gaining speed.
It's only gonna get worse.
How can we stop it?
Maybe we make an apology video.
No. No. No. We're not doing that.
All the people who do
that, they get ripped apart.
They're accused of fake
crying, and they don't mean it,
and then they get more
hate. We're not doing that.
Okay, but we have to do something.
All right, you know what I think?
You know what I think?
We got to go gay.
- What?
- ZINN: Not full gay.
Like, um, "homey" something. "Homo"
- Homeysexual.
- Homose Yeah. Okay. Homeysexual.
That's it. Yeah, it's,
like, a movement or something
- transcending heterosexual norms.
- JAMES: Yeah, I heard about it.
Chicks dig it when guys
are, like, affectionate and stuff.
Who the fuck told you that?
I read about it somewhere.
Wh-What are we talking about right now?
Dude, hetero guys acting
gay, saying gay shit,
but all the time, they're not gay.
All you got to do is say "no homo"
after you do something,
and then you're cool.
- (snaps fingers)
- Yeah, I don't know, guys.
This just smells like
another train wreck.
Yeah. Uh, for once, I'm gonna
agree with Barry on this one.
It's exploitative, and
it's probably offensive.
WYATT: Very offensive to gays,
LBTRs. It's harmful.
I don't know, I think this
is the kind of thing we need.
I We've never tried it before.
- I'm in.
- Nice. Yes, that's right.
- There's a shock.
- JAMES: Why?
'Cause I used to review
male beauty products?
- You said it. (scoffs)
- So?
- (vehicle beeping)
- ZINN: Oh, what the hell?
No way.
- Hey! Hey!
- Uh
- Excuse me! Uh, what are you doing?
- Hey!
ZINN: Hey!
Uh, wh-what are you doing?
- We're here to grab the stuff.
- Grab what stuff?
The company said they
suspended your contract,
and they sent us to collect
the promotional materials,
including this and the Lamborghini.
Did you just say "the Lamborghini"?
We're going gay.
("Christmas Wrapping" by
The Waitresses playing)
WYATT: Rocking that six-pack, dude.
No homo.
WYATT: Sexy six-pack, bro.
- No homo. No homo.
- ZINN: Thanks, bro.
(Wyatt grunting)

Seriously, your six-pack is sexy, bro.
- No homo.
- Thanks, bro. Nine.
- Seriously, you're shredded, man.
- Ten.
If I wasn't into chicks,
I'd have to hold myself back.
No homo.
But I think I'll miss
this one this year ♪
Seriously, you're shredded, dude.
If I wasn't into chicks,
I'd have to hold myself back, man.
- No homo. No homo.
- BARRY: Wyatt,
we all know you're
not gay. You don't need
to keep saying "no
homo" every six seconds.
Yeah, I'm just getting
it on the record, okay?
My dad watches this shit, yo.
No homo.
(Zinn moans)
Oh, yeah.
- You got enough there?
- That feels so good, dude.
- Go a little lower. Ooh.
- Got it.
(Zinn grunts)
Hey, guys, who's gonna do me?
Hey, man. Get in line.
(all laugh)
- JAMES: I love this.
- ZINN: So good, man.
- WYATT: So good.
- JAMES: Mmm.

Whoa! I made a mess.
- Oh! (chuckling)
- Oh, no.
- Dude, I guess we got to clean it up for you.
- Oh, no.
- Excuse me.
- Oh. Oh, it's so
Hey, save some for me.
- Mmm, that's awesome.
- I love pistachio.
- Oh! Whoa.
- What?
"What"? He has a full-on chubby.
- Oh, no, I don't. Um, I
- (boinging)
It-It's a fold in my shorts.
Fold my ass. I know a
fucking boner when I see one.
No homo. No homo.
I think I'll miss
this one this year ♪
Anyone want an update?
Sure, why not.
- Another 50,000 subs are gone.
- Shit.
100 more and our monetization
drops another tier.
We could lose the house, guys.
So much for chicks liking homeysexuals.
Jingle bell, jingle
bell, jingle bell rock ♪
- Hi, boys.
- Hey.
Jingle bell time ♪
- No homo!
- (laughs)
In the frosty air ♪
I'm not even 30, and my life is over.
When we first started
doing this, what'd we do?
We went around having a good
time, taking things over.
Crashing that debutante ball
- or painting Tana Mongeau's house pink.
- (Zinn laughing)
- Or trying to fly out of LAX in our underwear.
- (James laughs)
- Don't remind me.
- Yeah, it was dumb,
but people liked those
videos. They liked us.
Like, maybe we need to
get back to our roots.
It's Christmas.
People are out shopping.
Let's go out and be ourselves.
Not assholes.
Not edgy. Not piss people off.
Let's just do what we
used to do. Be funny.
That's not bad.
I think it's just
what the channel needs.
Shit. It's Christmas.
What do we got to lose?
- (Wyatt and Barry whooping)
- Bro House!
City sidewalks ♪
Busy sidewalks ♪
Dressed in holiday style ♪
In the air ♪
There's a feeling of Christmas ♪
Children laughing ♪
People passing ♪
Meeting smile after smile ♪
Ho ho ho.
And on every street
corner, you'll hear ♪
BARRY: See? This is what I mean.
Santa and Christmas.
It's a good vibe. Makes people smile.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We
got this. It's fine.
Zinn, remember why we're here.
Dude, trust me.
And can you keep us in frame this time?
Thanks, Grandma.
- Oh, God.
- Ring-a-ling ♪
Ring-a-ling ♪
Tell Santa, have you
been naughty or nice?
I've been nice?
That's the only answer.
ZINN: Hey, yo, what's up, everybody?
It's your favorite Bro House dude, Zinn.
We are out here Christmas shopping
and, uh, getting in the
Bro House Christmas spirit.
- Bro House forever!
- Merry Christmas, fuckers!
- That's right, baby. Forever!
- We're gonna see what, uh,
- Santa's bringing us this year.
- Hey.
- Okay, so
- Hey. Hi. Sorry.
- Uh, how you doing?
- Uh, I'm-I'm good.
Yeah? So, we're the Bro House.
We were wondering, what
is it like being an elf?
(chuckles): Uh, fun, I guess.
- Uh
- WYATT: Do you get, like,
half pay or something like
that because you're half size?
- (Zinn and James laugh)
- No, I get full pay.
- Ah. She's rich.
- Oh, she gets full pay.
Wait, did you say you're the Bro House?
Were you the guys who
filmed that suicide?
- Oh, no, no, no, that was someone else.
- No. So, tell me,
is it true what they
say about male elves?
- What?
- That they're hung like reindeer?
- Guys, there are kids around.
- Look, guys, I'm trying
- to work here, so
- Okay, fine, fine, fine. Just tell me,
- does Santa get first pick on elf chicks?
- What?
You know, like, uh, are
you his little helper?
Okay, you guys need to leave now.
(laughs) Dude, we're just trying
to have some Christmas fun.
- We're just trying to have
- She asked you guys to leave.
- ZINN: Oh.
- Now turn your phones off and go.
- Just work the line, hon.
- No fucking way.
(laughs): Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you guys a thing?
- Do I need to call security?
- Call security?
- With what, your smartphone?
- (James laughing)
- Hey, you're hilarious.
- (chuckles) Thanks, man.
- Hey, little buddy.
- Yeah, get your
- You're all funny.
- Oh, shit.
- You're hilarious. Oh, so funny.
- Give it back to him!
- Funny.
- You should be ashamed of yourselves.
WOMAN: Why don't you
just get out of here!
All right, you know what?
Hey, kids, listen up. Listen up,
because I got something
really important to tell you.
Actually, this is a public
service announcement.
Oh, shit.
Santa isn't real.
It's just your parents.
Yeah, they're the ones
who bring you your toys.
- Yeah.
- I know it's a bummer,
but I wish someone had told me
the truth when I was your age.
It's gonna save you
years of disappointment
and years of therapy. You're welcome.
- Yeah.
- Isn't that right, Santa, baby?
Leave now.
- (Wyatt laughing)
- (chuckles) Shit. No, dude, come on.
- You're a naughty boy.
- Come on, come on.
- Why would I leave, Santa?
- WYATT: Give him a lap dance!
- JAMES: Yeah.
- WYATT: Shit. Twerk.
- Twerk. Twerk. Twerk. Twerk.
- Give him a lap dance!
- Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Twerk. Twerk. Yeah.
- Hey!
- WYATT: Oh! (chuckles)
- Jesus.
Guess we're not getting
presents this year, boys.
You'll get what you deserve.
- (indistinct chatter over radio)
- Oh, guys.
- Security. Security!
- Oh, shit.
(laughing): Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- I did nothing.
- Get 'em. Get 'em!
We're back, boys!
We're back home, baby!
I can't believe we didn't
get locked up today.
Well, thank God for mall cops.
You see that one almost
have a heart attack
- outside Applebee's?
- Yeah.
Yo, what about that
Santa? The look on his face
- like he wanted to erase us from the Earth?
- (laughs)
Guess we messed up his gig.
- Yeah.
- Whatever, man. Bro House is back, baby!
- Yeah!
- It's ready.
- Oh, shit.
- And I'm just gonna say it again,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Five. Four.
ALL: Three. Two. One.
- Happy New Year!
- ZINN: Tell me, does Santa
- get first pick on elf chicks?
- It's up, it's up, it's up.
- WOMAN: What?
- You know, like, uh,
- are you his little helper?
- (Wyatt groans)
- WOMAN: Okay, you guys need to leave now.
- Jesus.
ZINN (laughs): Dude, we're
just trying to have
JAMES: I don't even remember doing that.
- Call security? With what?
- WYATT: Yeah.
This mall thing was your idea, man.
Dude, it wasn't my idea
to sexually harass a
female mall employee
or humiliate a little person
or tell a bunch of kids
that Santa Claus isn't real.
Okay, so things got a little crazy.
Yeah, we were supposed to be making up
- for cheering for a guy falling to his death.
- WYATT: You know,
if you don't like how we roll,
maybe you're not Bro House material.
Maybe you should just move out.
Well, the way we're going,
we're all gonna have to move out,
- so
- WYATT: See?
Negative shit. That's all you do.
- (chuckles): All I do?
- Yeah.
Who do you think records
and uploads all this crap?
My blind nine-year-old
cousin can do that,
and we wouldn't have to
cut her in on one-fourth.
Okay. Then get your nine-year-old
cousin to do this.
Bro, chill. Chill.
Come on, Barry's right.
He's the one that keeps
the whole thing running.
Nobody clicks on Bro
House to see you, dude.
They click to see us. That's a fact.
BARRY: Okay, well, maybe
if people were clicking,
we wouldn't be in total shit.
Maybe if it wasn't for your shit,
- we wouldn't be in this total shit.
- Guys, guys, guys.
- Are you kidding me?
- Come on. Come on! Chill out.
This is the Bro House.
"Bro" means "brother," and
this isn't what brothers do.
We stand for something.
We stand for good friends
and good fucking times fucking shit up.
And the country needs that
more than ever right now.
The country needs fucking shit up?
- (Wyatt scoffs)
- We have to stick together.
We can't let anything tear us apart.
No matter what.
- (computer chiming)
- JAMES: Uh, hey, guys?
Come check this out.
Okay, bro, it's gonna be fine.
There are comments. "Just when I thought
the Bro House couldn't sink any lower,
- you go and do this."
- ZINN: Whatever, man.
- It's one comment.
- BARRY: Nope.
Here are some more. "I
don't know about Santa Claus,
but you guys are proof
God doesn't exist. Fuck off and die."
Didn't really need that
second part, though.
Oh, and we're losing followers.
This isn't fair! How
can people be so mean?
- It's fine. It's fine.
- No, no, no, no, no, I can't do this.
I can't go back to
living with my parents.
My dad's an asshole. I can't.
ZINN: Let me see this shit.
Are we out of beer?
- There's another case in the garage.
- WYATT: Fuck.
Dude, we've lost this
many followers already?
- Mm-hmm.
- I can't handle this.
- Wyatt.
- Wyatt.
- (computer continues chiming)
- Dude.
(James sighs)
Fuck, this is bad. This is bad.
- What?
- I'll OD on Xanax.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Bro House. Bro House.
- That's a good way to go.
Bro House.
Fuck is going on?
This is Detective Deena Gibbs
calling from L. A. Robbery-Homicide.
Who am I speaking with?
Uh, Zinn. What's this about?
Were you a part of an online prank
at the Santa Village
in a mall in West L. A.?
- (sighs) Maybe.
- I'm not interested in your prank.
I need to speak with
you and your friends
about the individual
who was posing as Santa.
- Yeah, what about him?
- It seems
he wasn't the man hired for the job.
We just found that
individual in his apartment.
What, are you serious?
Wait, this isn't a joke?
- I'm very serious, son.
- (whispers): Guys.
I need you and your friends to
come down to the police station
tomorrow morning and give a statement.
U-Um, y-yeah.
We can We can do that, I guess.
I understand, uh,
someone was recording the prank?
I need a copy of that video.
It could help us locate this guy.
We're pretty sure this isn't
the first time he's done this.
We'll see you at the
station in the morning.
(light buzzing)
What the fuck?
She said there's been
other murders, another states,
that this guy actually goes
around killing mall Santas
- and taking their place.
- Why?
Uh, because he's crazy.
Obsessed with being Santa. I don't know.
This all sounds made up to me.
Are you sure we're not being pranked?
Well, if we show up to
the police station tomorrow
and they don't know
what we're talking about,
then we were pranked.
- (keys clacking)
- (Barry clears throat)
- What are you doing?
- I just want to see this guy's face again.
ZINN: Guess we're not getting
presents this year, boys.
You'll get what you deserve.
Yeah, I mean
- he definitely doesn't look right.
- (Zinn chuckles)
Huh. Someone just uploaded
a video to our account.
What do you mean, "someone"?
We're the only ones that can do that.
- The hell?
- (grunting)
What the hell are we watching
- right now?
- (chuckles) It's a prank.
Wyatt's pranking us.
Yeah, yeah, obviously.
- (chuckles)
- I mean, it's pretty good.
But he's such an asshole.
Probably wasn't even a real
cop on the phone. God
Dude, I'm gonna talk to him.
- I'm deleting this.
- (computer chiming)
Wait, look.
(James chuckles)
That's, like, 50 likes already.
People are fucking loving it.
- "That's awesome."
- BARRY: "Great effects."
"Finally, something we like." (chuckles)
Wait, wh
- Why'd you do that?
- Because it's sick.
I don't care if people like it.
It's back up. Someone just reposted it.
I don't know.
- (computer chimes)
- Now what?
Someone just They
just posted a-a link.
What the hell is that?
from the York Explorer Daily.
What's that?
Wyatt, dude, come on.
We saw the video.
You're gonna do something like that,
it's got to be a group call.
Come on, man. It's not cool.
(refrigerator rattles)
(thudding nearby)
"Scholars now believe that
the legend of Santa Claus
isn't based on Saint
Nicholas or any other saint.
It's based on the ancient
tales of the wild man."
(chuckles): The wild man?
What kind of bullshit is that?
BARRY: "He was a pagan nature god,
bringer of storm and fury
and destruction who wore
animal skins and a hideous painted face.
He was also a fierce hunter
who punished those who were bad.
Over time,
he became what we know of him today.
And he didn't just bring presents."
Wyatt, come on. This
isn't fucking funny.
Shit. Jesus.
The fuck are you?
Yo, where's Wyatt?
Are you the one doing
this shit with him?
- Hello?
- (clapping)
Listen, man, this isn't funny.
I'll call the cops
on you. You got to go.
Yo, I'll fuck you up, man.
No, no!
(whimpers, grunts)
(grunts, gasps)
(grunts) You're Santa. You're Santa!
I fucking get it. I believe in you!
No, no, no! (grunts) No, no, no!
- (grunts)
- (Zinn screams)
What was that?
They're fucking with us.
All of them. They're just
They're making prank videos
to get more followers.
It's probably Zinn's idea.
Yeah. (chuckles softly)
(Zinn whimpering)
(muffled): I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
"Fear not, then," said the Angel ♪
- Let nothing thee affright ♪
- (Zinn whimpering)
To free all those ♪
Who trust in Him ♪
From Satan's power and might ♪
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy ♪
Comfort and joy ♪
Comfort and joy, comfort and joy. ♪
Come on!
Are you kidding me?
What if this isn't a prank?
What if this isn't Zinn and Wyatt?
What if this is the guy from the mall?
BARRY: Santa Claus?
I'm calling 911.
No, it's not a prank.
I mean, I'm pretty sure it's not.
I-I need you to come now.
F (exhales) They're gonna send a car,
but they won't say it's an emergency.
It's because there's been so
many calls about this address.
Complaints from the neighbors.
Breaking up parties. That time
we actually called
the SWATs on ourselves.
That means it could be hours.
(phone chimes)
Got to get the fuck out of this house.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. We
can't just leave the guys.
If these videos are for
real, they're fucking dead!
- I can't argue with that.
- I was gonna leave.
I was gonna leave Bro House
and start my channel back up,
and then I was gonna go to college.
I even talked to my parents about it.
I was done with this shit.
- (thudding)
- SANTA: Ho ho ho.
Jolly Christmas ♪
It's the best time ♪
I'm fucking scared.
Yeah, so am I.
If there'll be snow ♪
(James whimpers)
Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪
And when you walk down the street ♪
And okay.
- (clears throat)
- It was a boner.
Yeah, I know. Let's just get
the fuck out of here, okay?
(door creaking)
Looks clear.
Come on.
(screams) My hand!
- (screams, gasping)
- What happened?
I'm shot. Help me! Get it out!
Get it out! Oh!
Oh, God, it hurts.
- Fuck!
- Oh, God. Oh, God!
(James choking)
- (bow firing)
- Oh!
(grunting, panting)
BARRY: Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

(shouts, panting)
(footsteps thudding)
I have a gun!
I'll fucking blow your head off!
- (thudding stops)
- (computer chiming)

- You stupid motherfu
- (footsteps thudding)
No fucking way.
You are not coming through the chimney.
Why won't you fucking cl
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

That's gasoline. Oh, my God.
It's gasoline. What? Oh, God.
(fanfare plays)
(noisemaker blows)
("Silent Night" by Bing Crosby playing)
Silent night ♪
That's five million. Five million.
(chuckles): That's five
million. Five million followers.
Boys, we did it!
Five million follow! (laughs)
It's a fucking Christmas
miracle! Oh, my God.
All is bright ♪
That's five million
followers. We did it.
Five million followers. Five mil
Oh, my God!
Round yon Virgin ♪
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Mother and Child ♪
Holy infant ♪
So tender and mild ♪
Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
- (horn honking)
- (sirens wailing)
Sleep ♪
In heavenly peace ♪
Silent night ♪
Holy night ♪
All is calm ♪
All is bright ♪
Round yon Virgin ♪
Mother and Child ♪
Holy infant ♪
So tender and mild ♪
Sleep ♪
In heavenly ♪
Peace. ♪

SANTA: Ho ho ho.
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