An Idiot Abroad (2010) s01e08 Episode Script
Karl Comes Home
What do they say in "The Guardian"? Guardian guide pick of the day.
All right.
Oh, pick of the day This will be a good review then.
[ Laughs .]
"I can see that it's a ball-achingly dull series.
" [ Laughs .]
Have you ever Has your balls ever ached from watching a program? Have you ever watched a program and gone, "Don't know if I'm enjoying this, "but me balls are aching.
I hate it.
This is the dullest thing.
Oh, I'm gone.
" It doesn't I don't know what that means.
His balls are aching 'cause the series is that dull.
If tv that he doesn't like makes his balls ache, why didn't he turn it off quicker? [ Laughs .]
He must get a twinge and go, "Oh.
" [ Laughs .]
The seven wonders of the world Christ the Redeemer The Taj Mahal The great pyramids truly man's greatest achievements.
But there's one man who sees them differently.
Most of the world is grim.
Karl Pilkington.
[ Gags .]
It's hard to let people know how bad it is.
Oh [bleep.]
[ Metal detector whirs .]
I was ill, fed up I want to go home.
Tired, and didn't like where I was.
Man: Karl, where are you going? Karl! I'm not staying that room.
What's it about? [ Grunting .]
The stuff that these eyes have seen Oh, what a [bleep.]
sight.
There's loads of things that you go, "Why so you do that?" And they go, "It's tradition.
" Why is this a traditional Chinese massage? [ Screams .]
Your body's in proper shock.
I don't like having danger in me life.
[ Shouting indistinctly .]
Who are you giving all this [bleep.]
I say we give him all this [bleep.]
too.
If I had a bad heart, that could have done me in.
[Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
I'm not doing any more anyway.
It's the end of it.
Just let me go home! [Bleep.]
Hello, and welcome to episode eight of "An Idiot Abroad" with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello.
And the eponymous hero Karl Pilkington.
Right.
I suppose this is a a roundup.
In a way.
We've watched the series.
We've laughed.
We've cried.
We've got angry.
I got bored, as well.
But welcome back, Karl, because, you know, it's quite an adventure.
[ Camel snorts .]
[ Birds chirping .]
Pilkington: You can see it for miles Goes on for miles over the hills and everything, but so does the M6.
[ Indistinct conversations .]
It's almost like a you know, like a diamond in a turd.
You don't see that in the brochure, do you? [Bleep.]
old nappy whizzing through the air.
Tend to leave that out.
The stuff that these eyes have seen Right.
They'll remember it.
Well, it's funny you should say about your eyes because I've been consulting your diary here.
It says, "The other reason I'm finding it hard to relax "is that there always seems to be something going on, "something to take in.
"I think I've blinked less since I've been here "as I don't want to miss anything, "so my eyes have been open longer than normal.
Maybe that's why my eyes are so tired.
" When I was there, I was using me eyes more.
When I'm here, sometimes I don't know what they're doing.
[ Laughs .]
Are you with me? No.
What do you mean? Life here can be quite boring for your eyes.
Sometimes driving, I get to some place, and I go, "How did I get here?" And it's because you're not really looking where you're going.
[ Laughs .]
While driving? No, it's only a lot of things in life that makes your eyes sort of go, "Oh.
" Well, there's been a lot things, hasn't there? Food you've seen some pretty grotesque things Like that fellow there who was your driver in China.
Oh, man, this is incredible.
Look at this lot.
Thank you.
Dish is all right.
What's he having over there? [ Slurps .]
Good [bleep.]
Does he know it's not all in one piece, that noodle? [ Slurps .]
Are we in a race? I didn't realize Mmm.
I mean, what Why is he in a hurry? I'm in his van.
Should I be getting a move on? He's giving me a lift home.
Mmm.
[ Slurps .]
The suction on that It's just one minute, it's there.
It's like opening an airplane window.
It just all sucks out.
[ Slurps .]
[ Speaking Chinese .]
[ Slurping .]
That's it.
He's eaten it.
I've hardly touched this.
What's he got now? What is that? I think it's chicken's feet.
You don't pick a food by what sort of feet it's got.
Just just have chicken if he wants chicken.
We're paying.
He could have had anything he wanted.
And he's spitting it out now.
He's just spitting its nails out by the looks of things.
No, thanks.
You're all right.
He's been munching, like, mentos in the van.
He's never offered me one of them.
It's come to chicken feet, suddenly he's keen for me to have one.
He's just spitting stuff out.
He's chewing on it.
He's spitting on it.
I can't eat this.
[ Gags .]
See that there? It's his van.
He'll have to clean it up.
[ Gags .]
You're not having pudding, are you? Gervais: See, I'm with you on that.
There's no reason to eat like that.
I don't think you'll ever hear of a Chinese man who starved to death Because there's no reason to.
Street food out there I thought street food meant, you know, you have chefs on the street cooking food.
They don't mean that.
It's street food.
Whatever's crawling about, they grab and eat.
[ Laughing .]
Do they? Yeah, honestly.
Are they dead? Are they toads? Honest to God, that market, I thought it was a myth, all that, before I went.
I thought, "They don't eat weird stuff like that 'cause there's no need.
" There's loads of stuff in the world.
You don't have to get to that level yet.
I think even in "Lost," that program, they didn't even get to insects.
They were stuck on an island there with coconuts.
At no point do you see one going off to eat a squid or a lizard or a scorpion.
It never happened.
Yet there, they just, "I'll have that.
" Not a problem just shoving them in her face.
I mean, I don't they do "I'm a celebrityGet me out there!" In China, because they'd go, "What the problem? A lovely all-you-can-eat buffet there.
" [ Both laugh .]
Not a problem for them.
[ Man snorting .]
That thing on the bus when they were all going [Snorting.]
It's disgusting doesn't matter where you're from.
I don't know what you have to do over there to offend someone.
Just farting, burping, spitting.
That driver, he farted three times one morning.
No one sort of went, "Oh," had a laugh about it.
"You dirty sod.
" Nothing just carried on.
But that's the way they are.
In a way, are they right? Is that the way we should live? I don't know.
Noise has been a big thing on the whole trip.
Well, ok, here you're complaining about all the noise in Brazil.
Mears just haven't stopped since I've been here.
They've been overworked with constant, you know, drums [ Drums beating .]
Singing [ Indistinct singing .]
Whistles [ Whistle blowing .]
Chanting [ Indistinct chanting .]
Dogs [ Dog barking .]
HelicoptersGays Warm massage for your ego.
Gays wouldn't normally be on that list, but the one I met here just wouldn't shut up.
Now, I went to Brazil during carnival time.
I had a whale of a time.
I really enjoyed myself Great.
It's lively, it's vibrant, loads going on.
People are in good spirits color, energy.
You nothing but Well, because I don't like, you know, the carnival and the block parties.
It's all parties for me I've never liked them anyway.
I've never really had them.
I've never had a birthday party.
I just when I see them, you know, like that advert for Iceland Iceland supermarket.
You see Kerry Katona and Christopher Biggins [ Up-tempo music playing .]
I don't look at that and go, "That looks like a good night.
" No.
But you're meant to, aren't you? It's meant to give you a good feeling.
Iceland supermarket Look at the fun you can have with the food.
I don't know why that party would be happening.
[ Laughs .]
But I don't look at that and go, "I'd love to be there," and it was the same in Brazil.
I don't like false fun.
That's what it is false fun.
I don't like it when people organize stuff.
Come 'round Thursday.
Come 'round and have a drink and a chat.
I don't know how I'll feel on Thursday.
But you'd never get anything done if you didn't have a bit of planning.
No, because you just you go with it.
It's good because you could go up to somebody and go, "Fancy coming 'round tonight? We got some beers and have a chat.
" I wish you'd have said, "I'm going to a party.
" No, you're not.
No, you're not.
Because isn't such a thing as planning.
I'm just in the mood.
I'm walking down the street.
Okay.
I see you.
Fancy coming 'round tonight? No.
[ Laughs .]
Why not? I need more No, it's not really Why? I left a chicken out.
It goes off tomorrow.
And I go along.
Hi, Steve.
You coming 'round tonight? He's having chicken with me.
Well, no, but I didn't know that 'cause we hadn't arranged that, so I got something going on, Rick.
[ Laughing .]
Oh, sorry.
I can't eat a whole chicken.
Do you want a chicken? Okay.
And there you go, see? So my night is better than yours.
I'm eating your chicken.
I'm having a free night out here because there was no planning going on, and I'm getting a free night of chicken.
[ Laughing .]
What? Now, imagine if, on the Wednesday before, you went What day is it now? What day was today? Tuesday.
So, Tuesday, we're all walking down the street.
I always get e-mails from people going, "Are you coming out next week?" I don't know.
I don't know.
[ Laughing .]
He doesn't know! I don't like it.
Hello! Mr.
Ashake.
Ashake? Nice to meet you, Karlitos.
How you doing? Pilkington: All right, didn't wave back, so they don't know what that means, or they hate me already.
I don't know.
He reminded me of Bill Oddie.
I'm just looking at him thinking, "I'm seeing the goodies for ages.
" [ Speaking native language .]
What? [ Speaking native language .]
What's that? And then the other babaa looked like Jim Morrison.
[ Singing in native language .]
[ Speaking native language .]
Hang on a minute.
[ Chanting .]
I'm not socializing.
I don't do that.
I've always said you only need seven mates to get you through life That's it.
That's why, you know, I've mentioned snow white with the midgets.
She had them all covered in seven Same thing again with friends.
Merchant: You met a lot of interesting characters.
Tell us about your favorites.
Who are the ones that stick in the mind? What about Selso in Brazil? Tall and tan and young and handsome the boy from Ipanema goes walking and when he passes, each one he passes goes, "Ooh" Pilkington: I thought he was all right Selso.
You know, he's a different different sort of mate.
What was your first thought when he walked out looking like that? [ Fan clacks .]
Oh [bleep.]
What was that? It's just weird.
It's like you've had Worzel Gummidge sort of change the head Change the heads.
It's a little bit freaky.
Why are you referring to Worzel Gummidge? Why'd you make no effort to try and speak to people in terms they might understand? What's the chances of him in Brazil knowing who Worzel Gummidge is? There's people watching this who won't remember who Worzel Gummidge is.
He just seemed very sort of well well into the arts.
[ Laughs .]
And it's his mates, as well.
Marcelo.
Marcelo.
I'm Karl.
Pleased to meet you.
Hi, Karl.
How you doing? Welcome to Rio.
You're happy.
I have never sort of met a gay man so gay.
It was just that voice, that sort of over the top.
Nice enough, but I can't see us getting on long term.
No? Do you know what? It's a good job I wasn't born gay because I don't know what I'd do.
Why not? If you're gay, you'll be loving it, won't you? I wouldn't.
I don't think I'm suited to it.
Merchant: Why? Just the lifestyle I mean, parties and stuff.
Because the lifestyle, the way they walk about over there, showing off, being quite a Okay, you wake up gay Tomorrow.
What's the first thing you do? Do you get a boyfriend, or do you play the field? I think I play the field.
Yeah, are you gonna talk the same? Yeah, maybe in time.
I suppose things rub off.
If I'm knocking about with John Inmans of the world, I'm probably gonna start maybe a little sort of Give me something to say.
Oh, hello.
I haven't seen you for ages.
All right, so it'd a bit different.
Maybe the "Oh, hello.
" Right.
"I haven't seen you for ages.
" It'd be little things like that, and people would suddenly go, "Have you met Karl recently? He sounds different.
" So, you go home.
You go home.
Your dad goes, "Hello, son.
How's it going? Been doing any D.
I.
Y.
recently?" Hello, dad.
I've been there for a bit.
[ Speaks indistinctly .]
How's Suzanne? Uh I'm not with her anymore.
[ Both laugh .]
This is pointless because it's not The life I would choose.
Okay, but you've woken up gay.
But I wouldn't believe it then.
I'd just go, "Oh, I feel bit happier today.
Don't know why.
" No, but then you start going, "Oh.
" You go down, you buy a gay magazine, you flicking through.
You'd looking at more cock than you ever seen before in your life and you're loving it.
You look down.
Something's happened.
What do you do next? I just wouldn't look at that magazine again.
No, you're loving it.
You go, "Oh, I can't believe I haven't seen this magazine before.
" I've seen [bleep.]
before.
Have you? Yeah.
Where? I've seen [bleep.]
all the time.
Where? In gyms and that.
And don't say you don't look 'cause you do when you're in a gym because it's there.
What is? If you go in like that, that's more of a worry.
If you don't know how people can [bleep.]
in the face, then something's wrong.
[ Both laugh .]
You should be comfortable with it.
It's a good rule of thumb.
[ Laughs .]
SoYou have always been a big fan of what society would generally term "freaks.
" You know, one of your favorite movies is "The Elephant Man," which is why we were very excited when we sent you to see the elephant baba.
Oh, yeah, I can see him.
Yeah, I can see him.
Shoes off? Want me down there? Ohh.
It wasn't as shocking as I thought it would have been.
I think the weird thing is with elephant baba, is he's different from elephant man 'cause with elephant man, there was a buildup.
He's walking about with a sack on his head.
You know, what is under there? I mean, the first thing I always used to worry about Where he got the hat from that fit him.
[ Both laugh .]
It's a normal cap he had on elephant man.
Who was that made for? But then he had the sack on top, as well, and a little hole in it.
I remember watching it as a kid, thinking, "Can I see anything in the hole?" And then he takes it off, and you're like, "Oh, God, that's well weird.
" Now, with elephant baba, it wasn't as weird.
Do you know the elephant man? The weirdest bit of it is when he's walking around with that head but with a suit on Because he doesn't match.
No.
If you went to a tailor and they say, "Have you got anything to go with this?" They'd go, "Not really.
" Yeah.
Whereas with the fellow in India It sort of goes with it.
It goes with it, so it wasn't as shocking.
Sure.
Now, there's the one-armed baba, who the fellow who had his arm in the air for 12 years.
Well, that's ridiculous.
From a distance, though, it looked friendly.
It's like he's going like that, like, "Oh, here's Karl and the camera crew.
" I sit down.
Two fellows sat next to him, worship him, and they loved him.
You know, I asked all the normal questions.
What are you playing at? Why are you doing it? Straight in straight in with, "What are you playing at?" I asked all the normal questions.
"What are you playing at?" I agree, though.
I agree.
"What are you playing at?" Apparently, there's other babas with like two arms, one foot in the air.
Really? It's mental.
It's proper mental.
But are they standing up, or are they laying down with one foot in the air? Well, I suppose if you knock him over, that's it, isn't it? He's down for good.
[ Both laugh .]
Oh, gosh.
There was another fellow with [bleep.]
bollocks on a stick.
What are you doing? [ Laughs .]
Karl, if you can't look a [bleep.]
in the face I was happy looking him [bleep.]
in the face.
It's what he was doing to it.
He was just showing you his trick, his party trick.
That probably would get him to the final of "Britain's Got Talent.
" Amanda Holden would be a fan of that, wouldn't she? I, uh [Bleep.]
on a stick.
I mean, I'll never forget it.
You can't with the names.
The names go with them.
It's like old-fashion names.
They say that if you're a baker, you'd be known as Mr.
Baker.
That's how names caught on.
So, the fact he's called elephant baba and one-armed baba, you don't go, "Who's that one again? I can't quite picture him.
" I don't believe they are called "elephant baba" and "one-armed baba.
" They are called that.
When I went around that camp and I was saying to people, "One-armed baba knocking about?" They were going, "Yeah, he's three tents down.
" Everyone knew him.
It was like a council estate and you have nicknames.
John the Screw about? Where's Tattoo Stan? So, all the same thing, all these little nicknames.
Now, if I said, "Well, I don't know his real name.
" But if he was called I don't know Neal or whatever, "Neal About?" They'd be going, "Neal? Which one's Neal? What does he do in the camp?" And you go, "He's got a head like an elephant" "Elephant baba three down.
" [ Both laugh .]
So it's convenient.
[ Laughter continues .]
Pilkington: There are certain things I've learned.
Merchant: Tell us, what have you learned? I learned that babies in China A lot of them have square heads.
[ Both laugh .]
Right.
Go on.
Can we look at this clip? A big lad.
[ Speaking native language .]
Has he got a square head? I can't tell.
Yeah.
Merchant: But why do they have square heads? I asked some questions, and the main answer Seemed to be so they don't roll out of the car.
[ Laughs .]
No, no way.
How do they make sure their baby gets a square head? They somewhere they stick a book to the back of its head when it's born.
When you're born, your head's soft.
That's right, yeah.
Did your mum strap a dinner plate to your head when you were a kid? Yeah.
A ladle.
I didn't get all the ins and outs, and this is what I'm saying.
That doesn't stop them rolling out of the car.
If you've got a square head, it's not like they can roll out.
Babies' head remember, your head is quite big as a baby.
Right.
The body's sort of like that.
And his head he's trying to roll, and he can't 'cause he's like that.
And it's attractive.
Show me again.
Show me again.
Do it again.
If the baby's in the car like that And it would want to sort of So try and roll.
It should just go like that.
How is it stopping it? I don't understand.
Because it's kind of going You can't roll.
What shape is a wheel? Round.
Some people think you are a character that we write and direct.
If was as brilliant as this, do you think we'd have brought it to Sky? Definitely not.
Definitely not.
[ Birds chirping .]
Pilkington: There's loads of weird fish, though.
I think there's fish in here I've read about that are so see-through that they're invisible.
So I don't even think they know they exist Because other fish don't go up to it and, like, mate and stuff.
I don't know how it works.
It's like they're not there to us or to them, so they might as well not be there.
It's a really weird I don't know all the facts.
If you're invisible, you'd eventually get ignored a lot.
And you'd go, "Well, there's no point acknowledging anyone because no one can see me.
" Man: Don't think that's how it works.
Of course it is! Think if you were invisible and I walked past you, I'm gonna ignore you 'cause I can't see you.
You can't communicate 'cause I'd go, "Who was that?" And eventually, you'd just go, "I can't bother communicating.
" So you're just there, floating about, eating.
So that's probably why they carry on 'cause they just eat.
They've got nothing else to do.
I read it.
And I think they're in here.
But you're not gonna see them, so I can't prove it.
There's people out there who say I'm an actor called Graham.
I wish I was.
I wish I was.
Well, change your name to Graham and become an actor.
No, because then they'd go, "Oh, we knew that.
" So the reason you're not changing your name to Graham and becoming an actor is that you don't want to give idiots the benefit of the doubt.
Well, no, it's also that thing of remembering that you've changed your name.
It's like I told you, when I was a kid and I changed me name to Brett.
Everyone in the family went along with it, and I kept forgetting.
They kept shouting at me, and I was ignoring them.
It wasn't working.
[ Telephone rings .]
Pilkington: All right, mate.
Uh Well, I've had better holidays.
Can never enjoy anything, can I? [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
What for? But [ Cellphone beeps .]
[ Breathing heavily .]
I had some sort of new pudding that I've never had before Carrots with sort of milk and sugar on it.
I enjoyed it.
I don't know if I'll find it in London.
In HD? I reckon I've had about an hour's kit.
I am knackered, and I don't know how to get that across to them at home, that I'm pissed off.
Gervais: Karl, this is for my amusement, and if you're having a bad time bumping up and down on a camel, with your testicles being battered, that's good entertainment.
This is what I'm giving back.
This is what I'm giving back to society.
You are my gift to the rest of the world.
Now, that's the other thing, as well.
People think that, you know, because I call you a little round-headed chimp-like buffoon Moron, mank, twonk.
I could go on.
Some people, they mistake that for bullying.
What would you say about people that say me and Steve bully you? If they think I am being bullied, what are they doing? Why don't they come to me help? Where is Esther Rantzen? Why hasn't she been on the phone? "Leave him alone.
" Nothing's happened.
Everyone's saying that.
I've seen that everywhere, "Karl's being bullied.
" Well, first of all, I'm nearly 40.
Don't worry about me.
And two, well, if you're worried about it, do something.
[ Laughs .]
I've had post delivered to me, and because you say, "Karl Pilkington's got a head like a [bleep.]
orange," people think they can do it.
I got some lamps delivered in a box.
Somebody along the way I don't know who either the bloke who packed them, the courier, or I don't know how many people involved in packing lamps and getting them to me, but somebody wrote on the box, "head like a [bleep.]
orange.
" [ Both laugh .]
Now, that shouldn't happen.
[ Both laugh .]
Merchant: Of course, there were a number of instances where we had planned stuff that you were completely unaware of.
In fact, most of the trip, you had very little idea where you were gonna go and what was gonna happen.
I think a highlight for both Ricky and I was when we gave you some very important training in the event that you were captured during a terrorist Again, that went better than I ever imagined.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
[Bleep.]
[ Indistinct shouting .]
Yeah, I ink you were out of order.
What is going through your head when those guys grabbed you? You did not know they were gonna attack you and grab you and drag you in the back of a van.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
It all went black.
Um There was a lot of shouting going on.
I didn't know what was happening.
I thought, "Is this it? Have I been taken hostage?" They put me hands behind me back.
They put one of those tie things on.
It was cutting into me arm.
I'm thinking, "Is this for the program or what? 'Cause this is proper hurting.
" [ Indistinct shouting .]
It's not a nice thing.
I've never experienced that before.
They often say in those moments where you think maybe your life is gonna come to an end that your whole life flashes before your eyes.
Is that what happened? No, 'cause, like I said to you, I had a bag over me head.
I couldn't see a thing.
Talk to me! Are you English? You English? Yes! Talk to me! Who are you? I love it when you go, "Who are you?" When the adrenaline's kicking in, you can hardly breathe, and you do a posh voice.
"Who are you?" [ Laughs .]
Because it's terrifying, that, not knowing what's going on.
What is the number of him?! It's in me mobile.
What mobile?! What is the number of him?! I don't know! I don't even know me mum and dad's number! I thought maybe this is part of the setup.
I don't know, but my body didn't know because it was going through the same thing as Terri White would have gone through or whoever else had been tied to a radiator.
[ Shouts .]
Did you learn anything from that, though? That was important training to make you able to cope if such a terrible thing did occur to you.
If you go to places that you're in danger of being kidnapped, you're meant to have a code word so that when the people who've nicked you call up the London office They go, "We've got Ricky, Steve, and Karl here," and the London office goes, "Yeah, yeah.
" "Give us your code word.
" Well, at the time, it was "congress tart.
" Congress tart? How are you gonna slip that into a conversation? No, you don't slip it in.
They've got a bag over your head, gun to your head or whatever.
"Tell them you've been kidnapped," and you go, "congress tart.
" And they go, "Bloody hell, he's been kidnapped.
" Before you know it, the a-team's coming in.
So, we'reRing, ring.
Hello, Karl, mate.
How's it going? Congress tart.
What? Congress tart.
Rick, who's on the phone, mate? It's Karl.
He said, "congress tart," so he's definitely been kidnapped.
Who are they? What do they want? Right.
Who am I talking to now? Them.
Ask them.
What do you want? He's asking what you want.
Well, there's no one here to do that bit of role-playing, so maybe you should tell me what they're saying.
They said They just said they want to use me as bargaining power.
But what do they want? But what do they want? But what do you actually want? [ Both chuckle .]
What would they want? Is it money? Give them money money.
A million £2 £5 million.
Too much.
I'm not spending that sort of cash.
No, you don't do that.
I'm not spending that cash.
You see, this is what worries me.
I'm not spending £5 million to get you back.
That's what's worrying.
No.
Because that's what would have happened.
Can't we negotiate? Put them on.
Here's Ricky.
Right.
You play him, as well, though.
Hello.
Hello.
Who's that? Never mind who it is.
Where's me £5 million? Can't afford £5 million at the moment.
We're gonna kill this kid if you don't give us the £5 million.
How can you call him a kid? We're getting sick of him.
Why, why? What's he doing? He's just shouting, "congress tart.
" [ Both laugh .]
Give him the money.
Give us the money.
I wouldn't have gotten to call you, actually.
There's no way.
There's no way.
[ Laughing .]
Okay, let's have a break.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Ah! Pilkington: It's not really a dance, is it? It's like a little bit of a shuffle, really.
It's just that Not really a not using Not even adding that sort of thing to it.
Just a bit more with the face even.
[ Chanting continues .]
It's that sort of old-man shuffle, you know, when old men are sort of a bit pissed off and their pants are falling down a bit.
[ Chanting continues .]
Sort of that pissed-off walk.
[ Mumbles .]
But, you know, we killed a bit of time.
There's nothing else to watch.
[ Chanting continues .]
And I was tempted to sort of join the line and then do that and see if they copy it, and then that'd be me giving them something.
But then is that interfering? Maybe it would look frightening by the time, you know, if another tribe came in, and they're all still over there looking like Lionel Blair, you know, they're just gonna go, "Right, let's get them.
We can handle these.
" I mean, I'm so jealous of you being in the Peruvian jungle.
Didn't you have a whale of a time? Um [Bleep.]
I want to go home.
People watching it will sort of go, "Eh, but, you know, we've seen all this And Bear Grylls sucking on elephant [bleep.]
and all that.
" It's hard to let people know how bad it is out there.
When I came out of there, I had no phone signal.
Five days no phone signal.
Stuck in a jungle the amazonian jungle In a one-man tent and then with a tribe for a couple of days.
Called Suzanne up and said, "All right, I'm safe and all that," expecting to get, like, a hero's welcome.
All I got was, "Oh, it's reassured me that you if died, I'd be all right.
" That's what she said.
16 years I've been with her.
Not a day's gone by when I haven't spoke to her at some point.
She turns around and says that.
"I'd be all right if you were dead.
" "All right, cheers for that.
I've got to call Ricky now.
" I called you up.
Well, no, we didn't say any We didn't say anything about that.
We said it's "Karl Pilkington's Seven Wonders.
" Hello? Yeah, well, who's the idiot abroad? Yeah, well, they would 'cause you said it.
You know what they're like.
They all sit there going, "Oh, yeah, that's great, Ricky.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll do that.
" We're not having "An Idiot Abroad.
" It's "Karl Pilkington's Seven Wonders.
" I've been through a load of [bleep.]
here.
You all sat there giving them bloody [bleep.]
titles.
We're not having "An Idiot Abroad.
" We're not having it.
It's the one thing that I said that I'm happy with.
I don't want people thinking I'm a div.
Who was in the meeting? Well, I'm back in a couple of days.
We'll have another little meeting about that.
Let's have another little meeting.
Was it all croissants then, free coffee as they all sat around on their arse? "Yes, that's great, Ricky.
Any other ideas? Pour us another coffee.
" I'm sick of that lot.
Tell them now.
Call them now and tell them that we're not doing series two.
Nip that in the bud.
I'm not doing any more of that stuff.
Yeah, you are.
We are.
People love it.
I've had enough of that now.
I've done that.
I've had enough.
No, come on, let's think of something else you can do.
Series two What about this? We're not gonna sort that out today.
"An Idiot Abroad: Fool's Gold.
" I give you a million to spend, and you've got one year to make £2 million.
I've got to double a million? Yeah.
You can gamble, you can put it all on a horse, or you can put a little bit on a horse.
You can go to the dragons' den.
You can go, "I've got an idea clip-on mug.
" What about the tie with, like You can carry scissors in and stuff? That's already out there.
Is it? What was the first thing you'd do with that if I said you've got a year to make £1 million and you've got this million? Just do loads of stuff.
What then? Go on.
What's the first thing you'd do? Antiques, and then buy antiques, flog them on, art.
I'd buy a house in Bulgaria.
What do you know about antiques? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're gonna buy a house in Bulgaria? That's your first thought? How much is the house in Bulgaria? 100 grand.
Right.
How much do you want to sell it for? I want to sell it for £200,000.
I'm gonna do it.
You're gonna double your money on a house in a year? Easy.
You got to make £100,000.
I'm spinning plates.
So, you got to keep flying to Bulgaria to check on the progress of the place? No, I've got the local builders on it.
In Bulgaria? Yeah, plate spinning.
Antiques on the go.
I'm buying scratch cards.
You're buying scratch cards? I'll buy a load of scratch cards.
How many? 5,000 scratch cards.
I'd have some kids doing that.
I'd say, "Right, you can have a fiver.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I haven't got time.
I'm getting them to do.
This is the worst idea I've ever heard.
My million's gone, isn't it? I mean, I've just If you've got money, you make money.
That's a fact.
Where is Bulgaria? It's somewhere.
I know Bulgaria's good for property.
I've seen a lot of property programs.
Do you mean Belgravia? No, no, no, no.
There's a lot of things that you can do with property, antiques, buying classic cars and doing them up.
So you're doubling your money on a classic car in a year? Yeah, but I've made stuff.
I've made inventions.
What have you done? Like you said, the clip-on mug idea.
You have your cup there, but look at that saucer.
Every time I have a cup, have a little bit of tea, I'm talking to you, and I've got to go like that.
I've got to look exactly where I'm putting it again.
The clip-on mug it's stuck on.
It's attached to it at all times.
I'm talking to you.
How's it going? And if I want, I don't have to put it down there.
I could put it down there.
I'm not limited as to the surface that I can put it on.
It's attached.
It's washer-proof, dishwasher-proof.
It's an idea.
I'm out.
[ Laughs .]
[Bleep.]
me.
So am I.
[ Sighs .]
Pilkington: Most of the world is grim.
Louis Armstrong did that "What A Wonderful World" song.
I don't know what he's going on about.
[ Dog barks in distance .]
If Louis had seen what I had seen, he wouldn't have brought that out.
Well, Karl, you talked a lot before you went on the trip about how probably your happiest holiday time was when you were younger.
Where did you used to go? Wales.
Porthmadog.
Year after year after year.
It was brilliant.
And why was it so great? It's everything you want.
It's a good, like, you know it was a good holiday park.
Right.
Weather was good.
I had loads of mates.
There were always kids knocking about or got on with.
Arcade, beach.
There was hells angels down one end.
And I remember watching them, thinking, "I want to be one of them.
" I wanted to be a hells angel 'cause they looked hard all the leather on and that.
AndI don't know.
You see, again, this might not be true.
But me mum told me it might have just been to put me off said to be a hells angel, you got to [bleep.]
in your pants.
[ Both laugh .]
[ Laughing .]
I love your mum.
[Bleep.]
in your pants and keep them on for a week.
[ Laughter continues .]
SoYeah, me dad said In order to join them.
[ Laughs .]
So, what you're saying is, you have nothing but happy memories of your glory days back in Wales.
And, you know, you were When we were sending you on these trips.
You were like, "Oh, I had a great time back in Wales, blah, blah, blah.
" Well, we sent you back to Wales.
Let's have a look how you got on.
Every holiday, we'd go to this place in Wales, this campsite.
Mum and dad got a caravan there.
It's designed, it's high tech.
I want you to experience it.
It's all right, isn't it? It's gotSpace for stuff.
Big fire.
Three bedrooms it's got.
And what's good is Normally Say if your gran comes in.
"Oh, I didn't know the whole family was coming.
Where can I stay?" You just go, "Hang on.
" Watch how quick this is.
Oh, that isn't one.
Hang on.
Just hang on.
You stay there.
And you just sort of That's not right, is it? Well, she can just sort of, you know What's wrong with that? I remember getting chicken pox when I was here.
I just sat in the bath with a load of salt stop from itching.
Uh I burnt me hand badly.
It was Joan who was with us on holiday, and she gave me a plate with sausage rolls on it.
But she handed it to me with a tea towel.
I just grabbed the plate.
It stuck to me hand.
A lot of injuries happened here, really.
Some people next door.
That might get annoying.
They've put us right next to a family of 12 of whatever.
And they seem the sort that will be out there all night.
They've got a table there with all sorts Game of monopoly.
You don't have a quick game of that.
I mean, they're there for the night now.
You're company now.
If I was there, I'd be quite happy sitting here.
I'd probably put the telly on, have a cup of tea or something, relax because you're already going, "What do you do now? What do you do now?" It's like I've got to try and impress you.
What's wrong with just sitting here now? The air's coming in.
That'd get on me [bleep.]
I always used to come to do crabbing.
But it's a bit of a ropy day today, isn't it? See, this isn't I don't really want Ricky and Steve to see it like this.
Thing's broke.
We go back.
Been a bit rubbish, hasn't it? It's been a bit rubbish.
I don't know.
Is it 'cause I've changed? Is it 'cause I've been 'round the world and seen other things and then seeing this doesn't doesn't work anymore? Have I sort of messed up the fact that I used to like simple things and now, you know If Suzanne books holiday, I'll be going, "Never mind.
"Forget it.
I'm gonna swim in the pool.
Where's the local tribe?" Merchant: One of my ambitions for the series I mean, I know Ricky's got his own agenda but I was hoping that, you know, maybe travel would broaden the mind.
That's the phrase that we hear.
Do you feel, now the dust has settled, like a different Karl? You're saying about the broadening of the mind.
I've put more stuff in the mind.
And whenever you do that, something has to go.
Why does it have to go? No, no.
The mind everything's only got a certain amount of space.
There's never an endless supply.
Even with computers, they go, "Oh, disk space full" or whatever.
It's the same with the brain.
But when I learn a new fact I don't have to make room.
I don't have to go, "Well, I've got to chuck some out.
Got to chuck some out now.
" Of course you do.
Unless you're Stephen Hawking, who's got it all on hard drive, you can't just go, "Oh, where's that thing? Where's that thing that I'll remember?" You might go, "I remember knowing something like that.
" Before, when you were talking about bananas, now I had that fact about if you eat more than six, it can kill you.
That's definitely not that's not a fact.
It is a fact.
No, it's not a fact.
Potassium levels are dangerously high if you have six bananas.
Now, I didn't When I walked in here today, I wasn't going, "Let's tell Ricky about the banana fact.
" I went in that place you're having makeup on.
I saw a bowl of bananas.
I said, "There's six bananas there.
You know why there's only six? Seven would be dangerous.
" [ Laughs .]
This is what happened.
What fact squeezed out of your brain to accommodate the banana information? I don't know 'cause I forgot it.
Perfect.
[ Intro to Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World" plays .]
I see trees of green [ Laughs .]
Red roses, too There's no doors or anything.
I see them bloom for me and you Ohh! And I think to myself Ah! What a wonderful world I see skies of blue What the [bleep.]
is that? Clouds of white Is that someone's gauze? The bright, blessed day the dark, sacred night and I think to myself The lights are changing! Lights, lights, lights! What a wonderful world A lot of bees here.
[ Bees buzzing .]
Is anywhere safe? The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky are also on the faces That's a testicle.
Of people going by I see friends shaking hands Marcelo.
Marcelo.
Saying, "How do you do?" Okay.
[ Moans .]
[Bleep.]
They're really saying I love you I hear babies cry [Bleep.]
I watch them grow they'll learn much more I'm not putting meself above me station here.
Than I'll never know I thought I was gonna be new Palin.
Then found out I didn't know much.
And I put meself out to learn a bit more.
It's been a journey.
People watching it have been on my journey.
Yes, I think to myself Everything I've been through, they've seen.
What a wonderful world People say travel broadens the mind, but I don't think it does.
Bogus that up.
All right.
Oh, pick of the day This will be a good review then.
[ Laughs .]
"I can see that it's a ball-achingly dull series.
" [ Laughs .]
Have you ever Has your balls ever ached from watching a program? Have you ever watched a program and gone, "Don't know if I'm enjoying this, "but me balls are aching.
I hate it.
This is the dullest thing.
Oh, I'm gone.
" It doesn't I don't know what that means.
His balls are aching 'cause the series is that dull.
If tv that he doesn't like makes his balls ache, why didn't he turn it off quicker? [ Laughs .]
He must get a twinge and go, "Oh.
" [ Laughs .]
The seven wonders of the world Christ the Redeemer The Taj Mahal The great pyramids truly man's greatest achievements.
But there's one man who sees them differently.
Most of the world is grim.
Karl Pilkington.
[ Gags .]
It's hard to let people know how bad it is.
Oh [bleep.]
[ Metal detector whirs .]
I was ill, fed up I want to go home.
Tired, and didn't like where I was.
Man: Karl, where are you going? Karl! I'm not staying that room.
What's it about? [ Grunting .]
The stuff that these eyes have seen Oh, what a [bleep.]
sight.
There's loads of things that you go, "Why so you do that?" And they go, "It's tradition.
" Why is this a traditional Chinese massage? [ Screams .]
Your body's in proper shock.
I don't like having danger in me life.
[ Shouting indistinctly .]
Who are you giving all this [bleep.]
I say we give him all this [bleep.]
too.
If I had a bad heart, that could have done me in.
[Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
I'm not doing any more anyway.
It's the end of it.
Just let me go home! [Bleep.]
Hello, and welcome to episode eight of "An Idiot Abroad" with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello.
And the eponymous hero Karl Pilkington.
Right.
I suppose this is a a roundup.
In a way.
We've watched the series.
We've laughed.
We've cried.
We've got angry.
I got bored, as well.
But welcome back, Karl, because, you know, it's quite an adventure.
[ Camel snorts .]
[ Birds chirping .]
Pilkington: You can see it for miles Goes on for miles over the hills and everything, but so does the M6.
[ Indistinct conversations .]
It's almost like a you know, like a diamond in a turd.
You don't see that in the brochure, do you? [Bleep.]
old nappy whizzing through the air.
Tend to leave that out.
The stuff that these eyes have seen Right.
They'll remember it.
Well, it's funny you should say about your eyes because I've been consulting your diary here.
It says, "The other reason I'm finding it hard to relax "is that there always seems to be something going on, "something to take in.
"I think I've blinked less since I've been here "as I don't want to miss anything, "so my eyes have been open longer than normal.
Maybe that's why my eyes are so tired.
" When I was there, I was using me eyes more.
When I'm here, sometimes I don't know what they're doing.
[ Laughs .]
Are you with me? No.
What do you mean? Life here can be quite boring for your eyes.
Sometimes driving, I get to some place, and I go, "How did I get here?" And it's because you're not really looking where you're going.
[ Laughs .]
While driving? No, it's only a lot of things in life that makes your eyes sort of go, "Oh.
" Well, there's been a lot things, hasn't there? Food you've seen some pretty grotesque things Like that fellow there who was your driver in China.
Oh, man, this is incredible.
Look at this lot.
Thank you.
Dish is all right.
What's he having over there? [ Slurps .]
Good [bleep.]
Does he know it's not all in one piece, that noodle? [ Slurps .]
Are we in a race? I didn't realize Mmm.
I mean, what Why is he in a hurry? I'm in his van.
Should I be getting a move on? He's giving me a lift home.
Mmm.
[ Slurps .]
The suction on that It's just one minute, it's there.
It's like opening an airplane window.
It just all sucks out.
[ Slurps .]
[ Speaking Chinese .]
[ Slurping .]
That's it.
He's eaten it.
I've hardly touched this.
What's he got now? What is that? I think it's chicken's feet.
You don't pick a food by what sort of feet it's got.
Just just have chicken if he wants chicken.
We're paying.
He could have had anything he wanted.
And he's spitting it out now.
He's just spitting its nails out by the looks of things.
No, thanks.
You're all right.
He's been munching, like, mentos in the van.
He's never offered me one of them.
It's come to chicken feet, suddenly he's keen for me to have one.
He's just spitting stuff out.
He's chewing on it.
He's spitting on it.
I can't eat this.
[ Gags .]
See that there? It's his van.
He'll have to clean it up.
[ Gags .]
You're not having pudding, are you? Gervais: See, I'm with you on that.
There's no reason to eat like that.
I don't think you'll ever hear of a Chinese man who starved to death Because there's no reason to.
Street food out there I thought street food meant, you know, you have chefs on the street cooking food.
They don't mean that.
It's street food.
Whatever's crawling about, they grab and eat.
[ Laughing .]
Do they? Yeah, honestly.
Are they dead? Are they toads? Honest to God, that market, I thought it was a myth, all that, before I went.
I thought, "They don't eat weird stuff like that 'cause there's no need.
" There's loads of stuff in the world.
You don't have to get to that level yet.
I think even in "Lost," that program, they didn't even get to insects.
They were stuck on an island there with coconuts.
At no point do you see one going off to eat a squid or a lizard or a scorpion.
It never happened.
Yet there, they just, "I'll have that.
" Not a problem just shoving them in her face.
I mean, I don't they do "I'm a celebrityGet me out there!" In China, because they'd go, "What the problem? A lovely all-you-can-eat buffet there.
" [ Both laugh .]
Not a problem for them.
[ Man snorting .]
That thing on the bus when they were all going [Snorting.]
It's disgusting doesn't matter where you're from.
I don't know what you have to do over there to offend someone.
Just farting, burping, spitting.
That driver, he farted three times one morning.
No one sort of went, "Oh," had a laugh about it.
"You dirty sod.
" Nothing just carried on.
But that's the way they are.
In a way, are they right? Is that the way we should live? I don't know.
Noise has been a big thing on the whole trip.
Well, ok, here you're complaining about all the noise in Brazil.
Mears just haven't stopped since I've been here.
They've been overworked with constant, you know, drums [ Drums beating .]
Singing [ Indistinct singing .]
Whistles [ Whistle blowing .]
Chanting [ Indistinct chanting .]
Dogs [ Dog barking .]
HelicoptersGays Warm massage for your ego.
Gays wouldn't normally be on that list, but the one I met here just wouldn't shut up.
Now, I went to Brazil during carnival time.
I had a whale of a time.
I really enjoyed myself Great.
It's lively, it's vibrant, loads going on.
People are in good spirits color, energy.
You nothing but Well, because I don't like, you know, the carnival and the block parties.
It's all parties for me I've never liked them anyway.
I've never really had them.
I've never had a birthday party.
I just when I see them, you know, like that advert for Iceland Iceland supermarket.
You see Kerry Katona and Christopher Biggins [ Up-tempo music playing .]
I don't look at that and go, "That looks like a good night.
" No.
But you're meant to, aren't you? It's meant to give you a good feeling.
Iceland supermarket Look at the fun you can have with the food.
I don't know why that party would be happening.
[ Laughs .]
But I don't look at that and go, "I'd love to be there," and it was the same in Brazil.
I don't like false fun.
That's what it is false fun.
I don't like it when people organize stuff.
Come 'round Thursday.
Come 'round and have a drink and a chat.
I don't know how I'll feel on Thursday.
But you'd never get anything done if you didn't have a bit of planning.
No, because you just you go with it.
It's good because you could go up to somebody and go, "Fancy coming 'round tonight? We got some beers and have a chat.
" I wish you'd have said, "I'm going to a party.
" No, you're not.
No, you're not.
Because isn't such a thing as planning.
I'm just in the mood.
I'm walking down the street.
Okay.
I see you.
Fancy coming 'round tonight? No.
[ Laughs .]
Why not? I need more No, it's not really Why? I left a chicken out.
It goes off tomorrow.
And I go along.
Hi, Steve.
You coming 'round tonight? He's having chicken with me.
Well, no, but I didn't know that 'cause we hadn't arranged that, so I got something going on, Rick.
[ Laughing .]
Oh, sorry.
I can't eat a whole chicken.
Do you want a chicken? Okay.
And there you go, see? So my night is better than yours.
I'm eating your chicken.
I'm having a free night out here because there was no planning going on, and I'm getting a free night of chicken.
[ Laughing .]
What? Now, imagine if, on the Wednesday before, you went What day is it now? What day was today? Tuesday.
So, Tuesday, we're all walking down the street.
I always get e-mails from people going, "Are you coming out next week?" I don't know.
I don't know.
[ Laughing .]
He doesn't know! I don't like it.
Hello! Mr.
Ashake.
Ashake? Nice to meet you, Karlitos.
How you doing? Pilkington: All right, didn't wave back, so they don't know what that means, or they hate me already.
I don't know.
He reminded me of Bill Oddie.
I'm just looking at him thinking, "I'm seeing the goodies for ages.
" [ Speaking native language .]
What? [ Speaking native language .]
What's that? And then the other babaa looked like Jim Morrison.
[ Singing in native language .]
[ Speaking native language .]
Hang on a minute.
[ Chanting .]
I'm not socializing.
I don't do that.
I've always said you only need seven mates to get you through life That's it.
That's why, you know, I've mentioned snow white with the midgets.
She had them all covered in seven Same thing again with friends.
Merchant: You met a lot of interesting characters.
Tell us about your favorites.
Who are the ones that stick in the mind? What about Selso in Brazil? Tall and tan and young and handsome the boy from Ipanema goes walking and when he passes, each one he passes goes, "Ooh" Pilkington: I thought he was all right Selso.
You know, he's a different different sort of mate.
What was your first thought when he walked out looking like that? [ Fan clacks .]
Oh [bleep.]
What was that? It's just weird.
It's like you've had Worzel Gummidge sort of change the head Change the heads.
It's a little bit freaky.
Why are you referring to Worzel Gummidge? Why'd you make no effort to try and speak to people in terms they might understand? What's the chances of him in Brazil knowing who Worzel Gummidge is? There's people watching this who won't remember who Worzel Gummidge is.
He just seemed very sort of well well into the arts.
[ Laughs .]
And it's his mates, as well.
Marcelo.
Marcelo.
I'm Karl.
Pleased to meet you.
Hi, Karl.
How you doing? Welcome to Rio.
You're happy.
I have never sort of met a gay man so gay.
It was just that voice, that sort of over the top.
Nice enough, but I can't see us getting on long term.
No? Do you know what? It's a good job I wasn't born gay because I don't know what I'd do.
Why not? If you're gay, you'll be loving it, won't you? I wouldn't.
I don't think I'm suited to it.
Merchant: Why? Just the lifestyle I mean, parties and stuff.
Because the lifestyle, the way they walk about over there, showing off, being quite a Okay, you wake up gay Tomorrow.
What's the first thing you do? Do you get a boyfriend, or do you play the field? I think I play the field.
Yeah, are you gonna talk the same? Yeah, maybe in time.
I suppose things rub off.
If I'm knocking about with John Inmans of the world, I'm probably gonna start maybe a little sort of Give me something to say.
Oh, hello.
I haven't seen you for ages.
All right, so it'd a bit different.
Maybe the "Oh, hello.
" Right.
"I haven't seen you for ages.
" It'd be little things like that, and people would suddenly go, "Have you met Karl recently? He sounds different.
" So, you go home.
You go home.
Your dad goes, "Hello, son.
How's it going? Been doing any D.
I.
Y.
recently?" Hello, dad.
I've been there for a bit.
[ Speaks indistinctly .]
How's Suzanne? Uh I'm not with her anymore.
[ Both laugh .]
This is pointless because it's not The life I would choose.
Okay, but you've woken up gay.
But I wouldn't believe it then.
I'd just go, "Oh, I feel bit happier today.
Don't know why.
" No, but then you start going, "Oh.
" You go down, you buy a gay magazine, you flicking through.
You'd looking at more cock than you ever seen before in your life and you're loving it.
You look down.
Something's happened.
What do you do next? I just wouldn't look at that magazine again.
No, you're loving it.
You go, "Oh, I can't believe I haven't seen this magazine before.
" I've seen [bleep.]
before.
Have you? Yeah.
Where? I've seen [bleep.]
all the time.
Where? In gyms and that.
And don't say you don't look 'cause you do when you're in a gym because it's there.
What is? If you go in like that, that's more of a worry.
If you don't know how people can [bleep.]
in the face, then something's wrong.
[ Both laugh .]
You should be comfortable with it.
It's a good rule of thumb.
[ Laughs .]
SoYou have always been a big fan of what society would generally term "freaks.
" You know, one of your favorite movies is "The Elephant Man," which is why we were very excited when we sent you to see the elephant baba.
Oh, yeah, I can see him.
Yeah, I can see him.
Shoes off? Want me down there? Ohh.
It wasn't as shocking as I thought it would have been.
I think the weird thing is with elephant baba, is he's different from elephant man 'cause with elephant man, there was a buildup.
He's walking about with a sack on his head.
You know, what is under there? I mean, the first thing I always used to worry about Where he got the hat from that fit him.
[ Both laugh .]
It's a normal cap he had on elephant man.
Who was that made for? But then he had the sack on top, as well, and a little hole in it.
I remember watching it as a kid, thinking, "Can I see anything in the hole?" And then he takes it off, and you're like, "Oh, God, that's well weird.
" Now, with elephant baba, it wasn't as weird.
Do you know the elephant man? The weirdest bit of it is when he's walking around with that head but with a suit on Because he doesn't match.
No.
If you went to a tailor and they say, "Have you got anything to go with this?" They'd go, "Not really.
" Yeah.
Whereas with the fellow in India It sort of goes with it.
It goes with it, so it wasn't as shocking.
Sure.
Now, there's the one-armed baba, who the fellow who had his arm in the air for 12 years.
Well, that's ridiculous.
From a distance, though, it looked friendly.
It's like he's going like that, like, "Oh, here's Karl and the camera crew.
" I sit down.
Two fellows sat next to him, worship him, and they loved him.
You know, I asked all the normal questions.
What are you playing at? Why are you doing it? Straight in straight in with, "What are you playing at?" I asked all the normal questions.
"What are you playing at?" I agree, though.
I agree.
"What are you playing at?" Apparently, there's other babas with like two arms, one foot in the air.
Really? It's mental.
It's proper mental.
But are they standing up, or are they laying down with one foot in the air? Well, I suppose if you knock him over, that's it, isn't it? He's down for good.
[ Both laugh .]
Oh, gosh.
There was another fellow with [bleep.]
bollocks on a stick.
What are you doing? [ Laughs .]
Karl, if you can't look a [bleep.]
in the face I was happy looking him [bleep.]
in the face.
It's what he was doing to it.
He was just showing you his trick, his party trick.
That probably would get him to the final of "Britain's Got Talent.
" Amanda Holden would be a fan of that, wouldn't she? I, uh [Bleep.]
on a stick.
I mean, I'll never forget it.
You can't with the names.
The names go with them.
It's like old-fashion names.
They say that if you're a baker, you'd be known as Mr.
Baker.
That's how names caught on.
So, the fact he's called elephant baba and one-armed baba, you don't go, "Who's that one again? I can't quite picture him.
" I don't believe they are called "elephant baba" and "one-armed baba.
" They are called that.
When I went around that camp and I was saying to people, "One-armed baba knocking about?" They were going, "Yeah, he's three tents down.
" Everyone knew him.
It was like a council estate and you have nicknames.
John the Screw about? Where's Tattoo Stan? So, all the same thing, all these little nicknames.
Now, if I said, "Well, I don't know his real name.
" But if he was called I don't know Neal or whatever, "Neal About?" They'd be going, "Neal? Which one's Neal? What does he do in the camp?" And you go, "He's got a head like an elephant" "Elephant baba three down.
" [ Both laugh .]
So it's convenient.
[ Laughter continues .]
Pilkington: There are certain things I've learned.
Merchant: Tell us, what have you learned? I learned that babies in China A lot of them have square heads.
[ Both laugh .]
Right.
Go on.
Can we look at this clip? A big lad.
[ Speaking native language .]
Has he got a square head? I can't tell.
Yeah.
Merchant: But why do they have square heads? I asked some questions, and the main answer Seemed to be so they don't roll out of the car.
[ Laughs .]
No, no way.
How do they make sure their baby gets a square head? They somewhere they stick a book to the back of its head when it's born.
When you're born, your head's soft.
That's right, yeah.
Did your mum strap a dinner plate to your head when you were a kid? Yeah.
A ladle.
I didn't get all the ins and outs, and this is what I'm saying.
That doesn't stop them rolling out of the car.
If you've got a square head, it's not like they can roll out.
Babies' head remember, your head is quite big as a baby.
Right.
The body's sort of like that.
And his head he's trying to roll, and he can't 'cause he's like that.
And it's attractive.
Show me again.
Show me again.
Do it again.
If the baby's in the car like that And it would want to sort of So try and roll.
It should just go like that.
How is it stopping it? I don't understand.
Because it's kind of going You can't roll.
What shape is a wheel? Round.
Some people think you are a character that we write and direct.
If was as brilliant as this, do you think we'd have brought it to Sky? Definitely not.
Definitely not.
[ Birds chirping .]
Pilkington: There's loads of weird fish, though.
I think there's fish in here I've read about that are so see-through that they're invisible.
So I don't even think they know they exist Because other fish don't go up to it and, like, mate and stuff.
I don't know how it works.
It's like they're not there to us or to them, so they might as well not be there.
It's a really weird I don't know all the facts.
If you're invisible, you'd eventually get ignored a lot.
And you'd go, "Well, there's no point acknowledging anyone because no one can see me.
" Man: Don't think that's how it works.
Of course it is! Think if you were invisible and I walked past you, I'm gonna ignore you 'cause I can't see you.
You can't communicate 'cause I'd go, "Who was that?" And eventually, you'd just go, "I can't bother communicating.
" So you're just there, floating about, eating.
So that's probably why they carry on 'cause they just eat.
They've got nothing else to do.
I read it.
And I think they're in here.
But you're not gonna see them, so I can't prove it.
There's people out there who say I'm an actor called Graham.
I wish I was.
I wish I was.
Well, change your name to Graham and become an actor.
No, because then they'd go, "Oh, we knew that.
" So the reason you're not changing your name to Graham and becoming an actor is that you don't want to give idiots the benefit of the doubt.
Well, no, it's also that thing of remembering that you've changed your name.
It's like I told you, when I was a kid and I changed me name to Brett.
Everyone in the family went along with it, and I kept forgetting.
They kept shouting at me, and I was ignoring them.
It wasn't working.
[ Telephone rings .]
Pilkington: All right, mate.
Uh Well, I've had better holidays.
Can never enjoy anything, can I? [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
What for? But [ Cellphone beeps .]
[ Breathing heavily .]
I had some sort of new pudding that I've never had before Carrots with sort of milk and sugar on it.
I enjoyed it.
I don't know if I'll find it in London.
In HD? I reckon I've had about an hour's kit.
I am knackered, and I don't know how to get that across to them at home, that I'm pissed off.
Gervais: Karl, this is for my amusement, and if you're having a bad time bumping up and down on a camel, with your testicles being battered, that's good entertainment.
This is what I'm giving back.
This is what I'm giving back to society.
You are my gift to the rest of the world.
Now, that's the other thing, as well.
People think that, you know, because I call you a little round-headed chimp-like buffoon Moron, mank, twonk.
I could go on.
Some people, they mistake that for bullying.
What would you say about people that say me and Steve bully you? If they think I am being bullied, what are they doing? Why don't they come to me help? Where is Esther Rantzen? Why hasn't she been on the phone? "Leave him alone.
" Nothing's happened.
Everyone's saying that.
I've seen that everywhere, "Karl's being bullied.
" Well, first of all, I'm nearly 40.
Don't worry about me.
And two, well, if you're worried about it, do something.
[ Laughs .]
I've had post delivered to me, and because you say, "Karl Pilkington's got a head like a [bleep.]
orange," people think they can do it.
I got some lamps delivered in a box.
Somebody along the way I don't know who either the bloke who packed them, the courier, or I don't know how many people involved in packing lamps and getting them to me, but somebody wrote on the box, "head like a [bleep.]
orange.
" [ Both laugh .]
Now, that shouldn't happen.
[ Both laugh .]
Merchant: Of course, there were a number of instances where we had planned stuff that you were completely unaware of.
In fact, most of the trip, you had very little idea where you were gonna go and what was gonna happen.
I think a highlight for both Ricky and I was when we gave you some very important training in the event that you were captured during a terrorist Again, that went better than I ever imagined.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
[Bleep.]
[ Indistinct shouting .]
Yeah, I ink you were out of order.
What is going through your head when those guys grabbed you? You did not know they were gonna attack you and grab you and drag you in the back of a van.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
It all went black.
Um There was a lot of shouting going on.
I didn't know what was happening.
I thought, "Is this it? Have I been taken hostage?" They put me hands behind me back.
They put one of those tie things on.
It was cutting into me arm.
I'm thinking, "Is this for the program or what? 'Cause this is proper hurting.
" [ Indistinct shouting .]
It's not a nice thing.
I've never experienced that before.
They often say in those moments where you think maybe your life is gonna come to an end that your whole life flashes before your eyes.
Is that what happened? No, 'cause, like I said to you, I had a bag over me head.
I couldn't see a thing.
Talk to me! Are you English? You English? Yes! Talk to me! Who are you? I love it when you go, "Who are you?" When the adrenaline's kicking in, you can hardly breathe, and you do a posh voice.
"Who are you?" [ Laughs .]
Because it's terrifying, that, not knowing what's going on.
What is the number of him?! It's in me mobile.
What mobile?! What is the number of him?! I don't know! I don't even know me mum and dad's number! I thought maybe this is part of the setup.
I don't know, but my body didn't know because it was going through the same thing as Terri White would have gone through or whoever else had been tied to a radiator.
[ Shouts .]
Did you learn anything from that, though? That was important training to make you able to cope if such a terrible thing did occur to you.
If you go to places that you're in danger of being kidnapped, you're meant to have a code word so that when the people who've nicked you call up the London office They go, "We've got Ricky, Steve, and Karl here," and the London office goes, "Yeah, yeah.
" "Give us your code word.
" Well, at the time, it was "congress tart.
" Congress tart? How are you gonna slip that into a conversation? No, you don't slip it in.
They've got a bag over your head, gun to your head or whatever.
"Tell them you've been kidnapped," and you go, "congress tart.
" And they go, "Bloody hell, he's been kidnapped.
" Before you know it, the a-team's coming in.
So, we'reRing, ring.
Hello, Karl, mate.
How's it going? Congress tart.
What? Congress tart.
Rick, who's on the phone, mate? It's Karl.
He said, "congress tart," so he's definitely been kidnapped.
Who are they? What do they want? Right.
Who am I talking to now? Them.
Ask them.
What do you want? He's asking what you want.
Well, there's no one here to do that bit of role-playing, so maybe you should tell me what they're saying.
They said They just said they want to use me as bargaining power.
But what do they want? But what do they want? But what do you actually want? [ Both chuckle .]
What would they want? Is it money? Give them money money.
A million £2 £5 million.
Too much.
I'm not spending that sort of cash.
No, you don't do that.
I'm not spending that cash.
You see, this is what worries me.
I'm not spending £5 million to get you back.
That's what's worrying.
No.
Because that's what would have happened.
Can't we negotiate? Put them on.
Here's Ricky.
Right.
You play him, as well, though.
Hello.
Hello.
Who's that? Never mind who it is.
Where's me £5 million? Can't afford £5 million at the moment.
We're gonna kill this kid if you don't give us the £5 million.
How can you call him a kid? We're getting sick of him.
Why, why? What's he doing? He's just shouting, "congress tart.
" [ Both laugh .]
Give him the money.
Give us the money.
I wouldn't have gotten to call you, actually.
There's no way.
There's no way.
[ Laughing .]
Okay, let's have a break.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Ah! Pilkington: It's not really a dance, is it? It's like a little bit of a shuffle, really.
It's just that Not really a not using Not even adding that sort of thing to it.
Just a bit more with the face even.
[ Chanting continues .]
It's that sort of old-man shuffle, you know, when old men are sort of a bit pissed off and their pants are falling down a bit.
[ Chanting continues .]
Sort of that pissed-off walk.
[ Mumbles .]
But, you know, we killed a bit of time.
There's nothing else to watch.
[ Chanting continues .]
And I was tempted to sort of join the line and then do that and see if they copy it, and then that'd be me giving them something.
But then is that interfering? Maybe it would look frightening by the time, you know, if another tribe came in, and they're all still over there looking like Lionel Blair, you know, they're just gonna go, "Right, let's get them.
We can handle these.
" I mean, I'm so jealous of you being in the Peruvian jungle.
Didn't you have a whale of a time? Um [Bleep.]
I want to go home.
People watching it will sort of go, "Eh, but, you know, we've seen all this And Bear Grylls sucking on elephant [bleep.]
and all that.
" It's hard to let people know how bad it is out there.
When I came out of there, I had no phone signal.
Five days no phone signal.
Stuck in a jungle the amazonian jungle In a one-man tent and then with a tribe for a couple of days.
Called Suzanne up and said, "All right, I'm safe and all that," expecting to get, like, a hero's welcome.
All I got was, "Oh, it's reassured me that you if died, I'd be all right.
" That's what she said.
16 years I've been with her.
Not a day's gone by when I haven't spoke to her at some point.
She turns around and says that.
"I'd be all right if you were dead.
" "All right, cheers for that.
I've got to call Ricky now.
" I called you up.
Well, no, we didn't say any We didn't say anything about that.
We said it's "Karl Pilkington's Seven Wonders.
" Hello? Yeah, well, who's the idiot abroad? Yeah, well, they would 'cause you said it.
You know what they're like.
They all sit there going, "Oh, yeah, that's great, Ricky.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll do that.
" We're not having "An Idiot Abroad.
" It's "Karl Pilkington's Seven Wonders.
" I've been through a load of [bleep.]
here.
You all sat there giving them bloody [bleep.]
titles.
We're not having "An Idiot Abroad.
" We're not having it.
It's the one thing that I said that I'm happy with.
I don't want people thinking I'm a div.
Who was in the meeting? Well, I'm back in a couple of days.
We'll have another little meeting about that.
Let's have another little meeting.
Was it all croissants then, free coffee as they all sat around on their arse? "Yes, that's great, Ricky.
Any other ideas? Pour us another coffee.
" I'm sick of that lot.
Tell them now.
Call them now and tell them that we're not doing series two.
Nip that in the bud.
I'm not doing any more of that stuff.
Yeah, you are.
We are.
People love it.
I've had enough of that now.
I've done that.
I've had enough.
No, come on, let's think of something else you can do.
Series two What about this? We're not gonna sort that out today.
"An Idiot Abroad: Fool's Gold.
" I give you a million to spend, and you've got one year to make £2 million.
I've got to double a million? Yeah.
You can gamble, you can put it all on a horse, or you can put a little bit on a horse.
You can go to the dragons' den.
You can go, "I've got an idea clip-on mug.
" What about the tie with, like You can carry scissors in and stuff? That's already out there.
Is it? What was the first thing you'd do with that if I said you've got a year to make £1 million and you've got this million? Just do loads of stuff.
What then? Go on.
What's the first thing you'd do? Antiques, and then buy antiques, flog them on, art.
I'd buy a house in Bulgaria.
What do you know about antiques? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're gonna buy a house in Bulgaria? That's your first thought? How much is the house in Bulgaria? 100 grand.
Right.
How much do you want to sell it for? I want to sell it for £200,000.
I'm gonna do it.
You're gonna double your money on a house in a year? Easy.
You got to make £100,000.
I'm spinning plates.
So, you got to keep flying to Bulgaria to check on the progress of the place? No, I've got the local builders on it.
In Bulgaria? Yeah, plate spinning.
Antiques on the go.
I'm buying scratch cards.
You're buying scratch cards? I'll buy a load of scratch cards.
How many? 5,000 scratch cards.
I'd have some kids doing that.
I'd say, "Right, you can have a fiver.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I haven't got time.
I'm getting them to do.
This is the worst idea I've ever heard.
My million's gone, isn't it? I mean, I've just If you've got money, you make money.
That's a fact.
Where is Bulgaria? It's somewhere.
I know Bulgaria's good for property.
I've seen a lot of property programs.
Do you mean Belgravia? No, no, no, no.
There's a lot of things that you can do with property, antiques, buying classic cars and doing them up.
So you're doubling your money on a classic car in a year? Yeah, but I've made stuff.
I've made inventions.
What have you done? Like you said, the clip-on mug idea.
You have your cup there, but look at that saucer.
Every time I have a cup, have a little bit of tea, I'm talking to you, and I've got to go like that.
I've got to look exactly where I'm putting it again.
The clip-on mug it's stuck on.
It's attached to it at all times.
I'm talking to you.
How's it going? And if I want, I don't have to put it down there.
I could put it down there.
I'm not limited as to the surface that I can put it on.
It's attached.
It's washer-proof, dishwasher-proof.
It's an idea.
I'm out.
[ Laughs .]
[Bleep.]
me.
So am I.
[ Sighs .]
Pilkington: Most of the world is grim.
Louis Armstrong did that "What A Wonderful World" song.
I don't know what he's going on about.
[ Dog barks in distance .]
If Louis had seen what I had seen, he wouldn't have brought that out.
Well, Karl, you talked a lot before you went on the trip about how probably your happiest holiday time was when you were younger.
Where did you used to go? Wales.
Porthmadog.
Year after year after year.
It was brilliant.
And why was it so great? It's everything you want.
It's a good, like, you know it was a good holiday park.
Right.
Weather was good.
I had loads of mates.
There were always kids knocking about or got on with.
Arcade, beach.
There was hells angels down one end.
And I remember watching them, thinking, "I want to be one of them.
" I wanted to be a hells angel 'cause they looked hard all the leather on and that.
AndI don't know.
You see, again, this might not be true.
But me mum told me it might have just been to put me off said to be a hells angel, you got to [bleep.]
in your pants.
[ Both laugh .]
[ Laughing .]
I love your mum.
[Bleep.]
in your pants and keep them on for a week.
[ Laughter continues .]
SoYeah, me dad said In order to join them.
[ Laughs .]
So, what you're saying is, you have nothing but happy memories of your glory days back in Wales.
And, you know, you were When we were sending you on these trips.
You were like, "Oh, I had a great time back in Wales, blah, blah, blah.
" Well, we sent you back to Wales.
Let's have a look how you got on.
Every holiday, we'd go to this place in Wales, this campsite.
Mum and dad got a caravan there.
It's designed, it's high tech.
I want you to experience it.
It's all right, isn't it? It's gotSpace for stuff.
Big fire.
Three bedrooms it's got.
And what's good is Normally Say if your gran comes in.
"Oh, I didn't know the whole family was coming.
Where can I stay?" You just go, "Hang on.
" Watch how quick this is.
Oh, that isn't one.
Hang on.
Just hang on.
You stay there.
And you just sort of That's not right, is it? Well, she can just sort of, you know What's wrong with that? I remember getting chicken pox when I was here.
I just sat in the bath with a load of salt stop from itching.
Uh I burnt me hand badly.
It was Joan who was with us on holiday, and she gave me a plate with sausage rolls on it.
But she handed it to me with a tea towel.
I just grabbed the plate.
It stuck to me hand.
A lot of injuries happened here, really.
Some people next door.
That might get annoying.
They've put us right next to a family of 12 of whatever.
And they seem the sort that will be out there all night.
They've got a table there with all sorts Game of monopoly.
You don't have a quick game of that.
I mean, they're there for the night now.
You're company now.
If I was there, I'd be quite happy sitting here.
I'd probably put the telly on, have a cup of tea or something, relax because you're already going, "What do you do now? What do you do now?" It's like I've got to try and impress you.
What's wrong with just sitting here now? The air's coming in.
That'd get on me [bleep.]
I always used to come to do crabbing.
But it's a bit of a ropy day today, isn't it? See, this isn't I don't really want Ricky and Steve to see it like this.
Thing's broke.
We go back.
Been a bit rubbish, hasn't it? It's been a bit rubbish.
I don't know.
Is it 'cause I've changed? Is it 'cause I've been 'round the world and seen other things and then seeing this doesn't doesn't work anymore? Have I sort of messed up the fact that I used to like simple things and now, you know If Suzanne books holiday, I'll be going, "Never mind.
"Forget it.
I'm gonna swim in the pool.
Where's the local tribe?" Merchant: One of my ambitions for the series I mean, I know Ricky's got his own agenda but I was hoping that, you know, maybe travel would broaden the mind.
That's the phrase that we hear.
Do you feel, now the dust has settled, like a different Karl? You're saying about the broadening of the mind.
I've put more stuff in the mind.
And whenever you do that, something has to go.
Why does it have to go? No, no.
The mind everything's only got a certain amount of space.
There's never an endless supply.
Even with computers, they go, "Oh, disk space full" or whatever.
It's the same with the brain.
But when I learn a new fact I don't have to make room.
I don't have to go, "Well, I've got to chuck some out.
Got to chuck some out now.
" Of course you do.
Unless you're Stephen Hawking, who's got it all on hard drive, you can't just go, "Oh, where's that thing? Where's that thing that I'll remember?" You might go, "I remember knowing something like that.
" Before, when you were talking about bananas, now I had that fact about if you eat more than six, it can kill you.
That's definitely not that's not a fact.
It is a fact.
No, it's not a fact.
Potassium levels are dangerously high if you have six bananas.
Now, I didn't When I walked in here today, I wasn't going, "Let's tell Ricky about the banana fact.
" I went in that place you're having makeup on.
I saw a bowl of bananas.
I said, "There's six bananas there.
You know why there's only six? Seven would be dangerous.
" [ Laughs .]
This is what happened.
What fact squeezed out of your brain to accommodate the banana information? I don't know 'cause I forgot it.
Perfect.
[ Intro to Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World" plays .]
I see trees of green [ Laughs .]
Red roses, too There's no doors or anything.
I see them bloom for me and you Ohh! And I think to myself Ah! What a wonderful world I see skies of blue What the [bleep.]
is that? Clouds of white Is that someone's gauze? The bright, blessed day the dark, sacred night and I think to myself The lights are changing! Lights, lights, lights! What a wonderful world A lot of bees here.
[ Bees buzzing .]
Is anywhere safe? The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky are also on the faces That's a testicle.
Of people going by I see friends shaking hands Marcelo.
Marcelo.
Saying, "How do you do?" Okay.
[ Moans .]
[Bleep.]
They're really saying I love you I hear babies cry [Bleep.]
I watch them grow they'll learn much more I'm not putting meself above me station here.
Than I'll never know I thought I was gonna be new Palin.
Then found out I didn't know much.
And I put meself out to learn a bit more.
It's been a journey.
People watching it have been on my journey.
Yes, I think to myself Everything I've been through, they've seen.
What a wonderful world People say travel broadens the mind, but I don't think it does.
Bogus that up.