An Idiot Abroad (2010) s02e02 Episode Script
Trans Siberian Express
If I was on my death bed, there's no way I wanna be climbing Kilimanjaro.
It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.
(laughs) Easy boys.
Easy boys! It's difficult.
He was so suspicious after the last time.
We've told him he gets to choose from the list This is like an Attenborough moment.
But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store Fucking hell! This is a man who's reluctant.
This is a man who doesn't wanna do these things.
It's making Karl do things other people want to do before they die.
Yeah, exactly.
This isn't his list.
(laughs) Fucking twats! Agh! Travel the Trans-Siberian railway.
Oh, wow.
That's the stuff of dreams, isn't it? This is known as the greatest train journey in the world.
Is that because most train journeys aren't that great anymore? I know they get on the Pendolino from Euston to Manchester.
I'm looking forward to this.
I'll do it because it'll get me from A to B.
I've always wanted to do it.
I'm fascinated by Russia.
A place of amazing The history alone It's grim, Russia? What do you mean grim? What? All if it? It's the biggest country in the world.
What you see on the telly is people queuing for spuds and stuff.
Maybe it is a good train journey to them.
Maybe their other trains are worse than ours.
The luxury carriages of the Trans-Siberian Express have, you know, all the modern coms, it's like luxury stuff.
What's the toilet situation on the train? I've never been on the journey so can't say for certain, there's, you know Toilets.
As long as there's toilets.
How long are you on the toilet? Ages.
I sit there loads.
Why? Cos it's me time.
There's no one else coming in annoying me.
Everywhere else I go in the house Suzanne's there.
"You haven't done this.
Have you called them? That needs fixing.
" She doesn't come in there.
Shut the door, sit there, me legs go numb.
That's the thing for me.
I've gotta get up in a minute.
Because otherwise she will have to come in and help me off.
(laughter) What a life! What a life I like What you see on the telly is people queuing for spuds and stuff.
But it's better than the others.
That's the problem with this.
Can we sign you up for this one? Yeah? Great.
Trans-Siberian Express.
Yeah.
Enjoy it.
Alright? Would you give us a lift into town? I'm going on the train.
On the Trans-Siberian railway.
It's things to do before you die.
Have you been on it? You're not selling it to me.
Whatever you think is worth seeing.
Right, well, that's not great.
And I thought I was miserable.
Good Jesus! Honestly, if that's what I'm like.
Suzanne always says I moan a lot.
If she moans at me again I wish she was here, really.
Just so I can say, "Come and meet this miserable bastard.
" I mean, he's in the wrong job, isn't he? He's working with tourists.
(producer) They don't get that many tourists here, Karl.
They won't have him as the first point of contact when people come in.
Honestly, if there was a plane going back now I'd get on it.
Oh, brilliant.
Thanks, cheers.
What do you think? Food looks alright.
Building's lovely.
There's a lot of blokes around with next to nowt on.
Are they totally nude? I didn't wanna look properly.
I just saw skin.
Some of them are.
It's leather furniture.
You shouldn't sit on a leather sofa with a bare arse.
I didn't like getting in my dad's Ford Cortina with shorts on cos your skin sticks to it.
I don't want me bollocks stuck to this.
I don't even wanna touch it now.
I mean, it's wipeable.
Steam room? I didn't know that.
Nobody said that? OK.
I'll see you in a bit.
See you.
That's hot.
I like a massage.
I love it, when I get in, I say to Suzanne, "Rub me legs, they're active.
Rub me neck.
" Just a nice rub.
That's all I want.
Nice and quiet.
Ten minutes of that.
I've never seen anyone in a sauna getting hit by a shrub.
The thing is, cos I can't feel anything at the moment, I feel scalded.
They might be nettles.
And then they'll be whacking me again with dock leaves.
Fucking hell! Agh! Fuck! (laughs) It says a lot that women aren't here.
Cos women are a bit more screwed on, I think, when it comes to knowing how to relax.
They go off and have a nice little face rub.
Leg massage.
Facial.
I mean, how do they do it a facial here? It seems like you can't enjoy anything.
Can't wait to get out of Moscow.
I haven't enjoyed it very much.
Glad just to get on the tracks, really.
This is all a bit, sort of, Aberdeen Angus Steak House.
'70s.
Other than that it's sound, yeah.
Perfect.
This is all I want.
Me own space.
No people annoying me.
No noise.
No crowds.
And I just look out the window.
At Russia.
Which is what it's all about, innit? Are you just gonna keep yourself to yourself? That's the plan.
I'm not here to annoy anyone.
They don't have to annoy me.
For me, it's perfect.
I can't moan.
Ricky and Steve said this is what I was gonna get.
And they've delivered.
I'm not gonna moan.
(knocking) (speaks in Russian) No, this here.
Yeah.
(speaks in Russian) Room six? Room six.
Same as this? Alright, just give us a minute cos I need to get me bag and shoes.
Yeah, I'll come to room six in a minute, alright.
Just give me a minute.
I'll put me shoes on and come down to room six.
Da.
Da.
I'll come down in a minute.
Just let me put these on and get my stuff together.
(speaks in Russian) And I'll come down.
Brilliant.
I will.
I will come down if you want to I can find it on me own if you like.
And I can come down.
12 in that one.
This is good.
(coughs) Smoking carriage.
Are we going in the rough part here? Is it much further? Much (indistinct) Really? Staying here? What do I do? Where will I sit? This one's mine.
This isn't funny this.
This is dangerous.
What class is this? Seriously.
I'm sat on a shelf.
This isn't a bed.
I feel like Anne Frank.
I hope there's no one gonna be above me again, is there? That isn't another bed up there, is it? It's just not practical, this.
At least you've got a bed.
Richard, stop saying "At least you've got a bed.
" Great for putting books on.
Ornaments.
.
.
(ringing tone) Alright, how's it going? Well, yeah, it was lovely for about 20 minutes.
Before they moved me to third class.
Nice that.
Didn't really get a chance to get bored with it.
What do you think? I didn't even know there was a third class.
I don't even send letters third class.
See you later.
(huffs) I think it's just something that was done years ago.
It was a nice idea.
In the '60s there was all that space race.
But then it's just died out.
To me, it's how, like, everybody was, sort of, into going to Tenerife in the '80s.
Everywhere has its day.
Know what I mean? Before that, space.
It's just Torremolinos.
These are places that are talked about in certain decades and after a while, people realise they're not that great.
And they stop going.
And that's what happened with, like, space and the moon.
You're not interested in zero gravity? No, I like to have me feet on the ground.
And being in control of where I'm going.
(speaks in Russian) I don't understand.
I I don't understand.
Can I see this move without me in? Yeah, but is it possible to see it without me in I thought it was a whizzy thing.
Yeah, it spins round.
To where? I've seen something different to this.
On James Bond.
It was like an egg on an arm.
And it whizzes round and you can see my face, and I can go, "Oh.
" That's a film.
It would make it a lot easier if I see someone else go in here, whizz round and see what they come out like.
I came to Russia to get on a train.
Trans-Siberian railway.
I feel sick.
(male voice speaks Russian) Have you done anything like this before? No, no, I haven't.
No.
Why would I? Think about what you're asking me there, Richard.
Have I done anything like this before? Got in a tumble dryer? What do you mean? Have I done anything like this before? We will hear and see you.
Ready? Can we start off slowly? OK.
It's moving now.
It's not moving.
It is! It's moving now.
It's a mad thing.
It was 30 years old, that bit of kit.
I can feel it now.
Oh fuck.
It was like a giant swingball.
And I was sat in the ball.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, just feel a bit I am, yeah.
How fast is that? (groans) I done it.
It was alright.
I thought I did a good job in the end.
It's not that hard being a spaceman.
It's sort of built up as being tricky and complicated.
But you've just gotta sit on your arse.
At the end of the day, think about it, they sent a chimp.
I mean, when you're taking over from a chimp, it's not a difficult job, is it? There's no pressure on you.
In fact, there is cos if you don't get it right, they go, "What are you doing? Chimp managed to do it.
" I don't want to start whizzing about in zero gravity.
It's worried me more seeing the briefing.
Seeing the footage of people floating about.
Even Stephen Hawking has been up there.
He's done it.
But what damage can he possibly do to himself now? He's knackered.
Years ago, when they first got on the moon or in space, it was all, "One small step for man giant leap for mankind.
" Have you seen that footage? They've got David Coulthard there, messing about in a racing car.
That isn't what it was invented for.
I thought it was communications and all that.
They're just chucking shit up there.
What else can we put in? What else can we see floating about? "Harry, you got an old mattress.
" "We can take it up.
" Do you know what I mean? What are they doing? Karl.
Pil-king-ton.
Loads.
I get headaches a lot.
Back pain.
I've got flat feet.
Kidney stones.
I might have them.
(inhales/exhales deeply) Glands, swollen? It can't be.
How's it going? I was getting excited about the zero gravity flight.
Not if I've gotta listen to the doctor.
They have to give you a medical before you get on it.
I can't do it.
I would have loved to.
I've never been so happy really to be ill.
She said, your neck's all swollen, your nose is glowing It's too dangerous but I'll chuck something else up there.
But they've booked it now.
We've booked the flight.
I've just gotta wait here now.
Not that bothered, if I'm honest with you.
The Blue Danube - Johann Strauss II Rick'll moan going, "We spent all that money on a zero gravity flight.
" What else could I send up? I'm sick of Revels.
I know what'll happen.
People'll go, "Don't you regret not doing it?" No, not really.
Never wanted to float about.
It's never been a dream.
I'm not one for getting ill either.
I don't get ill that often.
I got really ill when I was a kid.
And I ate some old doughnuts from outside the local bakery.
I went round the back and there was a load of cream doughnuts and I ate 'em.
Anyway, the cream was off.
I was in agony.
Doctor came round.
Told me mam I was going to die.
He was messing about.
She didn't know.
She has a panic on.
She called me dad at work.
"You've gotta come home.
Karl's dying.
" "Why? What's up with him?" "He's ate a load of old doughnuts.
" Meant to be whizzing through space and I'm talking about doughnuts.
Sky are gonna be well pissed off with this.
Anything that's going on in the world, a bloke selling a car, It's mental how long this is.
It's mental.
(producer) It's the greatest rail journey in the world.
Longest trip.
Right, exactly.
Exactly.
You said greatest.
It's not.
It's the longest.
They've sold something on the worst thing about it.
Why do you want to do something the longest? Go to Tenerife on the longest flight.
You wouldn't do that.
I wanna get there, see it and go home again.
You're missing the point, Karl.
I'm not missing the point.
It goes a third of the length of the world.
I know.
Again, it's madness.
If you're going that distance, get on a plane.
We've moved on.
It's 2011.
No one questions anyone when they say, "What do you wanna do before you die?" "Go on the longest train journey.
" It's never followed up with, "What?" "What do you wanna do that for, you knob?" (ringing tone) A little bit, yeah.
I've still got this sore throat annoying me a bit.
But a little bit bored.
Not much to do.
I'm up for that.
It's alright.
Someone to talk to.
Hello? Mikael? How are you doing? So you're a human magnet.
(speaks Russian) So tacky.
They're not even special or anything.
What is going on? I've never heard of such a thing.
I don't know what use it is.
Looks a bit ridiculous like that.
I mean cutlery drawers are next to nowt.
You can get one for two quid.
Magnet man.
Magnet man.
(interpreter) His children are magnetic.
What? That's a normal family photo, innit? Look at that.
Handy when out shopping, when you go food shopping.
Carrier bags these days are really weak.
Very thin.
What about that? Can you do that? Hands-free? Can you stick it on your head? No.
Let go.
That's where that would be useful.
If you could walk around chatting.
I think an accident's gonna happen.
Best if I get out cos he's getting heavy stuff.
It's getting silly.
Can't think of anything where you would go, "Brilliant, I'm a magnet.
" What super power would you like though? I came up with one.
I'd be Bullshit Man.
There are so many meetings where you know people are bullshitting.
I'd just like to walk in, I wouldn't need a special costume, just dress like this.
And I'd fly in and I'd go, "Bullshit.
" "You're talking bullshit.
" And they'd go, "Oh, fuck, it's Bullshit Man.
" And I go, "Yeah, it is Bullshit Man.
You're talking bullshit.
" And eventually people will stop talking shit.
Anything that's going on in the world, a bloke selling a car, you know, it's knackered, he'd say, "Great runner, this.
" I can't imagine Russians being into therapy.
It's a bit soft.
It's a soft thing to do when people have to do that.
Russians are really hard.
I thought they'd think it's a load of bollocks.
What are you doing? Digging.
Fuckin' hell.
There's nowhere easier than this? How long did that take? What time did you start? That'll be big enough, won't it? It's my size.
Sometimes you're better off not asking questions.
I've kind of worked it out.
I'm digging me own grave.
Is it Is it full body? So your head's under? What do you mean? How do you breathe? There's no rules.
There's no rules here.
This Russia.
They haven't got rules in day-to-day life, have they? Do what you want here.
Nuttersville.
(imitates bleeping) There's no proper system.
So what do you do? What, three? Two? Do what you want.
Hang on a minute.
Let's have a system here if it goes tits up.
That's what I mean.
Honestly, just leave me hands out is the best thing.
You can cover me head, if you want.
Cover the head and go like that.
And that means get me out.
Hi, Steve, it's Karl.
Erm, can you give us a call when you get this cos I'm just at that thing you set up.
Me being buried alive.
I don't know if you know what it is but they cover you totally.
I thought they left your head out or something.
But they wanna cover me up.
Call me back as soon as you get this.
Ricky, it's Karl.
I've just left a message on Steve's phone.
I'm at the burial thing that I'm having done.
Being buried alive.
I'm not that happy about it.
It's bloody barmy, if I'm being honest with you.
I don't know if you know what it is.
If you get this can you call me.
Just so you know what it is and if you're Just give us a call.
If it's quiet me brain is always against me.
Me brain is never on my side.
Me brain will make me panic.
It'll be going, "What are you doing? There's worms in here.
" "You could die here.
Are they still up at the top?" You know, all that and me brain's against me.
So I need to distract it with something else.
Give it some music to listen to.
And it'll be happy.
Let's give it a go then.
I'm just gonna listen to some music.
Acker Bilk.
Stranger On The Shore.
It always calms me down.
Let's do it.
Hang on.
I haven't got a pipe.
What's it like down there, Karl? .
Just so you know what it is and if you're Just give us a call.
(ringing tone) Alright, mate, how's it going? I did that thing yesterday.
Got buried alive.
Cheers for that.
What? Being buried alive and having a hosepipe stuck in your mouth? since I've been here.
What does that tell you about Russia? (whistling) Is this me lift? I'm not good on horses.
Take me time.
Slowly.
Hey! No rush.
That's it.
Even slower if you want.
Trans-Siberian.
You must have balls like leather.
Hard.
Hard skin, like your boots.
Bollocks.
I'm with you to do some sport.
That's your house? You've got a satellite dish? You've got satellite TV? You've got Sky? Why are they showing me a picture of a wrestler? (speaks Mongolian) Why? Why me? I have an injury.
Driving? Weak wrist.
But I don't think I will win.
So you're gonna be disappointed.
I don't win.
You'll get no money.
No prize.
Then what? They seemed really friendly.
Course they're friendly.
They want me to wrestle for them.
He said he's got a damaged head.
He said it was a motorcycle accident.
Where's the motorbike? No motorbike here.
He's done that wrestling.
But he didn't wanna tell me cos it'll worry me.
Motorbike accident I haven't seen anyone on a motorbike.
He's on a horse! I think your outfit's arrived for tomorrow.
I'm leaving me underpants on.
They're all wearing 'em.
They're not wearing 'em.
I'm not happy with this.
The fight was one thing.
Looking like this, I'm gonna get battered.
It's degrading.
You got the top on right? I don't know.
I've no idea.
It's not the sort of thing I normally wear, if I'm honest.
So I don't know if I've got it right or not.
Sorry.
It feels too small.
It's like a small cardigan.
Are you sure we haven't got one of the kid's clothes mixed up with this? I look gormless in my shadow.
I've never had that.
I've never seen me shadow and thought, "What a div I look.
" (whistling) Oh shit.
Hang on, why haven't you got these clothes on? Why am I wearing this and you have this on? (onlookers laugh) (male vocalises) (tries to imitate the sound) (laughter/applause) (plays the Mongolian morin khuur/sings) (vocalises) Are you ready for the fight today? Yeah.
Thought I'd get it done.
Get it over with.
We all know the result here.
People at home aren't gonna be What a mix this is.
I could go into a jumble sale blindfolded and pick up random stuff and get a better mix than this.
What is this? What sort of look is this? It's their national dress.
I've never seen it.
I've watched Mr Benn as a kid.
He travelled all across the world.
(dogs bark) Sun's come out.
Yeah, I was hoping for it to rain.
Look at the size of the people behind me.
I'm gonna get battered.
I've had about 40 minutes' training.
I tell you, you'd better have that camera running cos it's gonna be over in a flash.
You'll have to slow it down.
There's not gonna be highlights.
Or bad bits or good bits.
It's gonna just be, bang, like that.
Quicker than a bungee jump.
Here we go.
(crowd laughs) Let's go back and train.
Waste of time.
I told you that'd happen.
Sorry about that.
This is a bit annoying.
Look at this map.
We started off in Moscow.
Steve said just go to Mongolia.
You're passing so go and do the sport thing.
Done that.
We're still on that same line which means this train is going to Beijing.
That's where I've been.
Did that last time and I saw the Great Wall.
Didn't like it.
They know I didn't like it.
I don't know why I'm going back there.
(ringing tone) Alright? Er, the Mongols are alright.
I haven't got any problems with any Mongols.
Anyway, I'm calling you because I've been looking at the map, right, this train's not going across Russia.
It's heading to Beijing.
I've been there.
I told you I hated it.
I said, China dreadful.
Alright.
I can do what I want, can I? The last time I came here, when I saw the Great Wall, I didn't really enjoy it, did I? And I got back and told a mate, I was gutted I never came here.
All this way and I never saw it.
So it's weird in a way that I've had a second chance.
I think it's in keeping with what we've been doing, travel programme.
Showing you the world, how others live.
(they all greet him) Hi.
This is it.
It's Dwarf Village.
It's like this little town they set up.
Dwarves used to get a hard time or something in China so they set this up.
A place where they live and work.
They've made it for themselves.
Everything they want.
It's made for being a dwarf.
It's ideal.
Look at the skill of this.
He's doing a little bit of woodwork.
It's amazing.
That that's not crap, is it? It's all sort of miniature but it's really cosy.
You can show me round one of your houses.
Just slow down a little bit.
Just hang on a minute.
Hang on.
(giggling from inside) You're not meant to laugh.
Too small for you! I am looking for something a bit bigger.
Am I the biggest man who's ever been in here? It's good, innit? Too small.
Do you know any dwarves? Yeah, I know one.
I know a little dwarf.
He's a mate of Ricky's.
I don't know what he'd think of this.
He's always playing roles as, like, elves and Santa's little helper and all that.
So at the end of the day what's the difference? At least here they work every day.
Two pm.
Showing seven days a week.
They're busy at Christmas.
What else do they do the rest of the year? There he is.
Sat on a shelf.
His name's Warwick.
(ringing tone) Is that Warwick? It's Karl.
Ricky's mate.
I'm just in China.
I'm looking at a dwarf village.
And I wanted to run the whole sort of concept by you because I know that people at home get a bit funny about, "Oh, you shouldn't be having a little dwarf village and all that.
" It's really good.
The people in there are dead happy.
Nice little show they put on.
And I though, it sort of covers me if I speak to you and say, "I'm at a dwarf village," and you go, "Yeah, I've heard of that.
It's nice.
" "Good on ya.
" Why not? Well, yeah, I did.
And there is like little blokes in little funny outfits and all that, and you do sort of smile.
But they're smiling.
I think it's alright, innit? Yeah, there's a king.
Course he is.
No, he was the head man.
He was at the top.
He had a little cloak on and a crown and shades on.
It's not.
You haven't been.
This is what annoys me with people I'm in the thick of it here.
I'm stood by their houses.
They're all happy.
There's a woman who I met who's a little dwarf.
She's only been here four months.
She's already got her own mushroom to live in.
Hang on a minute.
You're being all on your high horse and all that.
The picture I've shown of you on the telly so people knew who you were, you were sat on a shelf.
So if all your work dries up, they're not making another Star Wars, you can't dress up as a little monkey, no money coming in, you wouldn't think about coming here then? Now this is probably number one on everyone's list.
I'm just worried about getting a little snide-y one.
(laughs) Agh! If it's anything seedy I'm not doing it.
It's like a warehouse for knobs.
I'm meant to be seeing a dolphin in Australia.
I'm in Thailand about to get my head kicked in.
Urgh! Agh! It's coming towards us.
accessibility&bskyb.
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It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.
(laughs) Easy boys.
Easy boys! It's difficult.
He was so suspicious after the last time.
We've told him he gets to choose from the list This is like an Attenborough moment.
But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store Fucking hell! This is a man who's reluctant.
This is a man who doesn't wanna do these things.
It's making Karl do things other people want to do before they die.
Yeah, exactly.
This isn't his list.
(laughs) Fucking twats! Agh! Travel the Trans-Siberian railway.
Oh, wow.
That's the stuff of dreams, isn't it? This is known as the greatest train journey in the world.
Is that because most train journeys aren't that great anymore? I know they get on the Pendolino from Euston to Manchester.
I'm looking forward to this.
I'll do it because it'll get me from A to B.
I've always wanted to do it.
I'm fascinated by Russia.
A place of amazing The history alone It's grim, Russia? What do you mean grim? What? All if it? It's the biggest country in the world.
What you see on the telly is people queuing for spuds and stuff.
Maybe it is a good train journey to them.
Maybe their other trains are worse than ours.
The luxury carriages of the Trans-Siberian Express have, you know, all the modern coms, it's like luxury stuff.
What's the toilet situation on the train? I've never been on the journey so can't say for certain, there's, you know Toilets.
As long as there's toilets.
How long are you on the toilet? Ages.
I sit there loads.
Why? Cos it's me time.
There's no one else coming in annoying me.
Everywhere else I go in the house Suzanne's there.
"You haven't done this.
Have you called them? That needs fixing.
" She doesn't come in there.
Shut the door, sit there, me legs go numb.
That's the thing for me.
I've gotta get up in a minute.
Because otherwise she will have to come in and help me off.
(laughter) What a life! What a life I like What you see on the telly is people queuing for spuds and stuff.
But it's better than the others.
That's the problem with this.
Can we sign you up for this one? Yeah? Great.
Trans-Siberian Express.
Yeah.
Enjoy it.
Alright? Would you give us a lift into town? I'm going on the train.
On the Trans-Siberian railway.
It's things to do before you die.
Have you been on it? You're not selling it to me.
Whatever you think is worth seeing.
Right, well, that's not great.
And I thought I was miserable.
Good Jesus! Honestly, if that's what I'm like.
Suzanne always says I moan a lot.
If she moans at me again I wish she was here, really.
Just so I can say, "Come and meet this miserable bastard.
" I mean, he's in the wrong job, isn't he? He's working with tourists.
(producer) They don't get that many tourists here, Karl.
They won't have him as the first point of contact when people come in.
Honestly, if there was a plane going back now I'd get on it.
Oh, brilliant.
Thanks, cheers.
What do you think? Food looks alright.
Building's lovely.
There's a lot of blokes around with next to nowt on.
Are they totally nude? I didn't wanna look properly.
I just saw skin.
Some of them are.
It's leather furniture.
You shouldn't sit on a leather sofa with a bare arse.
I didn't like getting in my dad's Ford Cortina with shorts on cos your skin sticks to it.
I don't want me bollocks stuck to this.
I don't even wanna touch it now.
I mean, it's wipeable.
Steam room? I didn't know that.
Nobody said that? OK.
I'll see you in a bit.
See you.
That's hot.
I like a massage.
I love it, when I get in, I say to Suzanne, "Rub me legs, they're active.
Rub me neck.
" Just a nice rub.
That's all I want.
Nice and quiet.
Ten minutes of that.
I've never seen anyone in a sauna getting hit by a shrub.
The thing is, cos I can't feel anything at the moment, I feel scalded.
They might be nettles.
And then they'll be whacking me again with dock leaves.
Fucking hell! Agh! Fuck! (laughs) It says a lot that women aren't here.
Cos women are a bit more screwed on, I think, when it comes to knowing how to relax.
They go off and have a nice little face rub.
Leg massage.
Facial.
I mean, how do they do it a facial here? It seems like you can't enjoy anything.
Can't wait to get out of Moscow.
I haven't enjoyed it very much.
Glad just to get on the tracks, really.
This is all a bit, sort of, Aberdeen Angus Steak House.
'70s.
Other than that it's sound, yeah.
Perfect.
This is all I want.
Me own space.
No people annoying me.
No noise.
No crowds.
And I just look out the window.
At Russia.
Which is what it's all about, innit? Are you just gonna keep yourself to yourself? That's the plan.
I'm not here to annoy anyone.
They don't have to annoy me.
For me, it's perfect.
I can't moan.
Ricky and Steve said this is what I was gonna get.
And they've delivered.
I'm not gonna moan.
(knocking) (speaks in Russian) No, this here.
Yeah.
(speaks in Russian) Room six? Room six.
Same as this? Alright, just give us a minute cos I need to get me bag and shoes.
Yeah, I'll come to room six in a minute, alright.
Just give me a minute.
I'll put me shoes on and come down to room six.
Da.
Da.
I'll come down in a minute.
Just let me put these on and get my stuff together.
(speaks in Russian) And I'll come down.
Brilliant.
I will.
I will come down if you want to I can find it on me own if you like.
And I can come down.
12 in that one.
This is good.
(coughs) Smoking carriage.
Are we going in the rough part here? Is it much further? Much (indistinct) Really? Staying here? What do I do? Where will I sit? This one's mine.
This isn't funny this.
This is dangerous.
What class is this? Seriously.
I'm sat on a shelf.
This isn't a bed.
I feel like Anne Frank.
I hope there's no one gonna be above me again, is there? That isn't another bed up there, is it? It's just not practical, this.
At least you've got a bed.
Richard, stop saying "At least you've got a bed.
" Great for putting books on.
Ornaments.
.
.
(ringing tone) Alright, how's it going? Well, yeah, it was lovely for about 20 minutes.
Before they moved me to third class.
Nice that.
Didn't really get a chance to get bored with it.
What do you think? I didn't even know there was a third class.
I don't even send letters third class.
See you later.
(huffs) I think it's just something that was done years ago.
It was a nice idea.
In the '60s there was all that space race.
But then it's just died out.
To me, it's how, like, everybody was, sort of, into going to Tenerife in the '80s.
Everywhere has its day.
Know what I mean? Before that, space.
It's just Torremolinos.
These are places that are talked about in certain decades and after a while, people realise they're not that great.
And they stop going.
And that's what happened with, like, space and the moon.
You're not interested in zero gravity? No, I like to have me feet on the ground.
And being in control of where I'm going.
(speaks in Russian) I don't understand.
I I don't understand.
Can I see this move without me in? Yeah, but is it possible to see it without me in I thought it was a whizzy thing.
Yeah, it spins round.
To where? I've seen something different to this.
On James Bond.
It was like an egg on an arm.
And it whizzes round and you can see my face, and I can go, "Oh.
" That's a film.
It would make it a lot easier if I see someone else go in here, whizz round and see what they come out like.
I came to Russia to get on a train.
Trans-Siberian railway.
I feel sick.
(male voice speaks Russian) Have you done anything like this before? No, no, I haven't.
No.
Why would I? Think about what you're asking me there, Richard.
Have I done anything like this before? Got in a tumble dryer? What do you mean? Have I done anything like this before? We will hear and see you.
Ready? Can we start off slowly? OK.
It's moving now.
It's not moving.
It is! It's moving now.
It's a mad thing.
It was 30 years old, that bit of kit.
I can feel it now.
Oh fuck.
It was like a giant swingball.
And I was sat in the ball.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, just feel a bit I am, yeah.
How fast is that? (groans) I done it.
It was alright.
I thought I did a good job in the end.
It's not that hard being a spaceman.
It's sort of built up as being tricky and complicated.
But you've just gotta sit on your arse.
At the end of the day, think about it, they sent a chimp.
I mean, when you're taking over from a chimp, it's not a difficult job, is it? There's no pressure on you.
In fact, there is cos if you don't get it right, they go, "What are you doing? Chimp managed to do it.
" I don't want to start whizzing about in zero gravity.
It's worried me more seeing the briefing.
Seeing the footage of people floating about.
Even Stephen Hawking has been up there.
He's done it.
But what damage can he possibly do to himself now? He's knackered.
Years ago, when they first got on the moon or in space, it was all, "One small step for man giant leap for mankind.
" Have you seen that footage? They've got David Coulthard there, messing about in a racing car.
That isn't what it was invented for.
I thought it was communications and all that.
They're just chucking shit up there.
What else can we put in? What else can we see floating about? "Harry, you got an old mattress.
" "We can take it up.
" Do you know what I mean? What are they doing? Karl.
Pil-king-ton.
Loads.
I get headaches a lot.
Back pain.
I've got flat feet.
Kidney stones.
I might have them.
(inhales/exhales deeply) Glands, swollen? It can't be.
How's it going? I was getting excited about the zero gravity flight.
Not if I've gotta listen to the doctor.
They have to give you a medical before you get on it.
I can't do it.
I would have loved to.
I've never been so happy really to be ill.
She said, your neck's all swollen, your nose is glowing It's too dangerous but I'll chuck something else up there.
But they've booked it now.
We've booked the flight.
I've just gotta wait here now.
Not that bothered, if I'm honest with you.
The Blue Danube - Johann Strauss II Rick'll moan going, "We spent all that money on a zero gravity flight.
" What else could I send up? I'm sick of Revels.
I know what'll happen.
People'll go, "Don't you regret not doing it?" No, not really.
Never wanted to float about.
It's never been a dream.
I'm not one for getting ill either.
I don't get ill that often.
I got really ill when I was a kid.
And I ate some old doughnuts from outside the local bakery.
I went round the back and there was a load of cream doughnuts and I ate 'em.
Anyway, the cream was off.
I was in agony.
Doctor came round.
Told me mam I was going to die.
He was messing about.
She didn't know.
She has a panic on.
She called me dad at work.
"You've gotta come home.
Karl's dying.
" "Why? What's up with him?" "He's ate a load of old doughnuts.
" Meant to be whizzing through space and I'm talking about doughnuts.
Sky are gonna be well pissed off with this.
Anything that's going on in the world, a bloke selling a car, It's mental how long this is.
It's mental.
(producer) It's the greatest rail journey in the world.
Longest trip.
Right, exactly.
Exactly.
You said greatest.
It's not.
It's the longest.
They've sold something on the worst thing about it.
Why do you want to do something the longest? Go to Tenerife on the longest flight.
You wouldn't do that.
I wanna get there, see it and go home again.
You're missing the point, Karl.
I'm not missing the point.
It goes a third of the length of the world.
I know.
Again, it's madness.
If you're going that distance, get on a plane.
We've moved on.
It's 2011.
No one questions anyone when they say, "What do you wanna do before you die?" "Go on the longest train journey.
" It's never followed up with, "What?" "What do you wanna do that for, you knob?" (ringing tone) A little bit, yeah.
I've still got this sore throat annoying me a bit.
But a little bit bored.
Not much to do.
I'm up for that.
It's alright.
Someone to talk to.
Hello? Mikael? How are you doing? So you're a human magnet.
(speaks Russian) So tacky.
They're not even special or anything.
What is going on? I've never heard of such a thing.
I don't know what use it is.
Looks a bit ridiculous like that.
I mean cutlery drawers are next to nowt.
You can get one for two quid.
Magnet man.
Magnet man.
(interpreter) His children are magnetic.
What? That's a normal family photo, innit? Look at that.
Handy when out shopping, when you go food shopping.
Carrier bags these days are really weak.
Very thin.
What about that? Can you do that? Hands-free? Can you stick it on your head? No.
Let go.
That's where that would be useful.
If you could walk around chatting.
I think an accident's gonna happen.
Best if I get out cos he's getting heavy stuff.
It's getting silly.
Can't think of anything where you would go, "Brilliant, I'm a magnet.
" What super power would you like though? I came up with one.
I'd be Bullshit Man.
There are so many meetings where you know people are bullshitting.
I'd just like to walk in, I wouldn't need a special costume, just dress like this.
And I'd fly in and I'd go, "Bullshit.
" "You're talking bullshit.
" And they'd go, "Oh, fuck, it's Bullshit Man.
" And I go, "Yeah, it is Bullshit Man.
You're talking bullshit.
" And eventually people will stop talking shit.
Anything that's going on in the world, a bloke selling a car, you know, it's knackered, he'd say, "Great runner, this.
" I can't imagine Russians being into therapy.
It's a bit soft.
It's a soft thing to do when people have to do that.
Russians are really hard.
I thought they'd think it's a load of bollocks.
What are you doing? Digging.
Fuckin' hell.
There's nowhere easier than this? How long did that take? What time did you start? That'll be big enough, won't it? It's my size.
Sometimes you're better off not asking questions.
I've kind of worked it out.
I'm digging me own grave.
Is it Is it full body? So your head's under? What do you mean? How do you breathe? There's no rules.
There's no rules here.
This Russia.
They haven't got rules in day-to-day life, have they? Do what you want here.
Nuttersville.
(imitates bleeping) There's no proper system.
So what do you do? What, three? Two? Do what you want.
Hang on a minute.
Let's have a system here if it goes tits up.
That's what I mean.
Honestly, just leave me hands out is the best thing.
You can cover me head, if you want.
Cover the head and go like that.
And that means get me out.
Hi, Steve, it's Karl.
Erm, can you give us a call when you get this cos I'm just at that thing you set up.
Me being buried alive.
I don't know if you know what it is but they cover you totally.
I thought they left your head out or something.
But they wanna cover me up.
Call me back as soon as you get this.
Ricky, it's Karl.
I've just left a message on Steve's phone.
I'm at the burial thing that I'm having done.
Being buried alive.
I'm not that happy about it.
It's bloody barmy, if I'm being honest with you.
I don't know if you know what it is.
If you get this can you call me.
Just so you know what it is and if you're Just give us a call.
If it's quiet me brain is always against me.
Me brain is never on my side.
Me brain will make me panic.
It'll be going, "What are you doing? There's worms in here.
" "You could die here.
Are they still up at the top?" You know, all that and me brain's against me.
So I need to distract it with something else.
Give it some music to listen to.
And it'll be happy.
Let's give it a go then.
I'm just gonna listen to some music.
Acker Bilk.
Stranger On The Shore.
It always calms me down.
Let's do it.
Hang on.
I haven't got a pipe.
What's it like down there, Karl? .
Just so you know what it is and if you're Just give us a call.
(ringing tone) Alright, mate, how's it going? I did that thing yesterday.
Got buried alive.
Cheers for that.
What? Being buried alive and having a hosepipe stuck in your mouth? since I've been here.
What does that tell you about Russia? (whistling) Is this me lift? I'm not good on horses.
Take me time.
Slowly.
Hey! No rush.
That's it.
Even slower if you want.
Trans-Siberian.
You must have balls like leather.
Hard.
Hard skin, like your boots.
Bollocks.
I'm with you to do some sport.
That's your house? You've got a satellite dish? You've got satellite TV? You've got Sky? Why are they showing me a picture of a wrestler? (speaks Mongolian) Why? Why me? I have an injury.
Driving? Weak wrist.
But I don't think I will win.
So you're gonna be disappointed.
I don't win.
You'll get no money.
No prize.
Then what? They seemed really friendly.
Course they're friendly.
They want me to wrestle for them.
He said he's got a damaged head.
He said it was a motorcycle accident.
Where's the motorbike? No motorbike here.
He's done that wrestling.
But he didn't wanna tell me cos it'll worry me.
Motorbike accident I haven't seen anyone on a motorbike.
He's on a horse! I think your outfit's arrived for tomorrow.
I'm leaving me underpants on.
They're all wearing 'em.
They're not wearing 'em.
I'm not happy with this.
The fight was one thing.
Looking like this, I'm gonna get battered.
It's degrading.
You got the top on right? I don't know.
I've no idea.
It's not the sort of thing I normally wear, if I'm honest.
So I don't know if I've got it right or not.
Sorry.
It feels too small.
It's like a small cardigan.
Are you sure we haven't got one of the kid's clothes mixed up with this? I look gormless in my shadow.
I've never had that.
I've never seen me shadow and thought, "What a div I look.
" (whistling) Oh shit.
Hang on, why haven't you got these clothes on? Why am I wearing this and you have this on? (onlookers laugh) (male vocalises) (tries to imitate the sound) (laughter/applause) (plays the Mongolian morin khuur/sings) (vocalises) Are you ready for the fight today? Yeah.
Thought I'd get it done.
Get it over with.
We all know the result here.
People at home aren't gonna be What a mix this is.
I could go into a jumble sale blindfolded and pick up random stuff and get a better mix than this.
What is this? What sort of look is this? It's their national dress.
I've never seen it.
I've watched Mr Benn as a kid.
He travelled all across the world.
(dogs bark) Sun's come out.
Yeah, I was hoping for it to rain.
Look at the size of the people behind me.
I'm gonna get battered.
I've had about 40 minutes' training.
I tell you, you'd better have that camera running cos it's gonna be over in a flash.
You'll have to slow it down.
There's not gonna be highlights.
Or bad bits or good bits.
It's gonna just be, bang, like that.
Quicker than a bungee jump.
Here we go.
(crowd laughs) Let's go back and train.
Waste of time.
I told you that'd happen.
Sorry about that.
This is a bit annoying.
Look at this map.
We started off in Moscow.
Steve said just go to Mongolia.
You're passing so go and do the sport thing.
Done that.
We're still on that same line which means this train is going to Beijing.
That's where I've been.
Did that last time and I saw the Great Wall.
Didn't like it.
They know I didn't like it.
I don't know why I'm going back there.
(ringing tone) Alright? Er, the Mongols are alright.
I haven't got any problems with any Mongols.
Anyway, I'm calling you because I've been looking at the map, right, this train's not going across Russia.
It's heading to Beijing.
I've been there.
I told you I hated it.
I said, China dreadful.
Alright.
I can do what I want, can I? The last time I came here, when I saw the Great Wall, I didn't really enjoy it, did I? And I got back and told a mate, I was gutted I never came here.
All this way and I never saw it.
So it's weird in a way that I've had a second chance.
I think it's in keeping with what we've been doing, travel programme.
Showing you the world, how others live.
(they all greet him) Hi.
This is it.
It's Dwarf Village.
It's like this little town they set up.
Dwarves used to get a hard time or something in China so they set this up.
A place where they live and work.
They've made it for themselves.
Everything they want.
It's made for being a dwarf.
It's ideal.
Look at the skill of this.
He's doing a little bit of woodwork.
It's amazing.
That that's not crap, is it? It's all sort of miniature but it's really cosy.
You can show me round one of your houses.
Just slow down a little bit.
Just hang on a minute.
Hang on.
(giggling from inside) You're not meant to laugh.
Too small for you! I am looking for something a bit bigger.
Am I the biggest man who's ever been in here? It's good, innit? Too small.
Do you know any dwarves? Yeah, I know one.
I know a little dwarf.
He's a mate of Ricky's.
I don't know what he'd think of this.
He's always playing roles as, like, elves and Santa's little helper and all that.
So at the end of the day what's the difference? At least here they work every day.
Two pm.
Showing seven days a week.
They're busy at Christmas.
What else do they do the rest of the year? There he is.
Sat on a shelf.
His name's Warwick.
(ringing tone) Is that Warwick? It's Karl.
Ricky's mate.
I'm just in China.
I'm looking at a dwarf village.
And I wanted to run the whole sort of concept by you because I know that people at home get a bit funny about, "Oh, you shouldn't be having a little dwarf village and all that.
" It's really good.
The people in there are dead happy.
Nice little show they put on.
And I though, it sort of covers me if I speak to you and say, "I'm at a dwarf village," and you go, "Yeah, I've heard of that.
It's nice.
" "Good on ya.
" Why not? Well, yeah, I did.
And there is like little blokes in little funny outfits and all that, and you do sort of smile.
But they're smiling.
I think it's alright, innit? Yeah, there's a king.
Course he is.
No, he was the head man.
He was at the top.
He had a little cloak on and a crown and shades on.
It's not.
You haven't been.
This is what annoys me with people I'm in the thick of it here.
I'm stood by their houses.
They're all happy.
There's a woman who I met who's a little dwarf.
She's only been here four months.
She's already got her own mushroom to live in.
Hang on a minute.
You're being all on your high horse and all that.
The picture I've shown of you on the telly so people knew who you were, you were sat on a shelf.
So if all your work dries up, they're not making another Star Wars, you can't dress up as a little monkey, no money coming in, you wouldn't think about coming here then? Now this is probably number one on everyone's list.
I'm just worried about getting a little snide-y one.
(laughs) Agh! If it's anything seedy I'm not doing it.
It's like a warehouse for knobs.
I'm meant to be seeing a dolphin in Australia.
I'm in Thailand about to get my head kicked in.
Urgh! Agh! It's coming towards us.
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