An Idiot Abroad (2010) s02e05 Episode Script
Meet a Gorrilla
The bucket list.
See the glaciers before they melt.
Go on an African safari.
Encounter the world's largest mammal.
The ultimate things to do before you die.
Or are they? If I was on my deathbed, there's no way I'd want to be climbing Kilimanjaro.
It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.
It's things to do in your life.
It's difficult.
He was so suspicious after the last time.
Here we go.
We've told him that he gets to choose whatever he wants to do.
But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats that he's not expecting.
This is a man who's reluctant, a man who doesn't want to do these things.
It's making Karl do things other people want to do before they die.
Yeah, exactly! This isn't his list.
Fucking twats! Look at this one.
"Come face to face with mountain gorillas in their natural habitat.
" What a privilege that is.
One of the most endangered species on the planet.
One of our closest living relatives.
98% genetically identical to a human, a gorilla.
Even more similar to you.
What an amazing privilege.
I've seen 'em in the zoo.
Right.
And they do impress me.
How do they impress you? They're just very human in the eyes.
I think that would be such a meeting of minds, for you to come face to face with a mountain gorilla in its natural habitat.
Both just there.
Both nude amongst the foliage.
What is it with you and nude? They don't like clothes.
And you are hairy.
And you've got more chance of them seeing similarities I'm not wandering about in, like, the woods, looking for apes, nude.
Cos there's a point when that woods ends, Nude.
Just for charity.
Has it got worse? Is it me, as I've got older? Does it seem like there's more and more stuff we've got to give to? When I was a kid, all I ever saw was like that kid wearing callipers outside a supermarket.
It was like an iron model of a girl with callipers on her legs and a built-up shoe and you put 20p in it or whatever.
That was being hassled for charity.
Now you can't walk down the street without someone going "I need your help.
" I think these people are sick and tired of people coming in from England with a camera crew.
They can't move on.
They want to build new houses.
They haven't got time.
The crews keep turning up.
If it's not Geldof it's Richard Curtis or Lenny Henry cropping up.
They can't get anything done.
Sipho.
Hey, Karl.
How's it? Yeah, I'm all right.
Not too bad, not too bad.
Who's the man in the back? I need security? Yeah.
I'm Karl.
How you doing? Just a normal handshake.
How many kids will I be teaching? Twelve.
Are you happy with that? That's the problem with charity.
It's never enough.
Everything's a bit of a shock to the system.
I've got a bodyguard.
I'm in a primary school.
How dangerous is this place? By sending me in to teach the local kids, I think it's more of a hindrance.
I know nothing.
I'm in a programme called Idiot Abroad.
Why don't you talk about some places you've been? If I start going, "Yes, well, kids China they haven't got doors on the shitters.
" They'll go, "We haven't.
" You've seen where they're living.
What can I teach them? The children have chosen the topic, by the way.
You're going to talk about risk.
Risk? Risk in general.
You can just say whatever you think and whatever you know about risk.
Afternoon, everyone.
OK.
Risk.
Stop messing about at the back.
Shut the door cos that's very risky, leaving the door open.
Thank you very much.
What do you think risk is? Hm.
Right.
See, it's tough, this.
Does anyone have any risks in their life? Course you can.
How old is she to be worrying about that? 13? I didn't worry about people having kids when I was 13.
Do they honestly want to know about risk in sex? In sex.
You understand that? That's what we're talking about.
I thought I was coming in to talk about Humpty Dumpty.
Right.
OK.
Here you go.
The thing is I haven't got kids.
Just so you know.
I'm 38 now.
I haven't got any children.
Old? I've got a girlfriend.
For 17 years.
She's not 17! I've been with her for 17 years.
All right? OK.
Don't rush into having kids.
What you should do Focus on getting a job.
Meet a woman, meet a man.
Have a good time for a bit, but be careful.
Wear a condom.
Yeah? Yes.
Right, what else do you want to know? It's not cut! This isn't a style! I'm bald! I don't say, "Can you just take that bit off and leave that?" Do you want to play on a bike? Yes.
This is a risk.
That's risky.
Never do that.
Never do it one-handed.
Never do that.
Geldof.
He did a lot, didn't he? He got involved in all this and he's got sick of it.
I don't hear about him coming here any more.
You feel like, what can you do? What can you do? How can you sort this out? Is this just water or Karl.
How you doing? Hello.
Little fella.
Hello.
Hello.
Give loads to charity.
Helping old people.
Deaf kids.
Save The Kids.
If anything I'd say I'm single-handedly causing the world's population problem.
Cos I'm saving everyone.
I'm like Superman.
Sure we got the right house? Quite happy helping out.
I help anyone out.
If someone needs a bit of help.
But me turning up for one day, doing a bit of DIY, is that really gonna sort this out? It's gonna take forever.
Look how many need to be replaced.
600,000 people live here, he said.
The rules are you're meant to build your own.
The people we're helping are ill so they need help to build their house.
But I don't know where they went.
I shook their hands and they disappeared.
Gone out for the day.
He's been lying on a bed in the corner there.
Imagine being ill and someone knocking your house down? Hang on a minute.
Just leave me.
Let me be.
He's got the builders in making a right racket.
Right balls-up of that one.
Not the greatest view, is it? Looks all right though, doesn't it? Steve, it's Karl.
Yeah, I got the hut done.
There's about another 600,000 to do.
So I don't understand what I was meant to get out of it.
Yeah, but I do that.
When I get back I'll show you my bank statement.
You'll see all this stuff flying out, left, right and centre, helping all these charities.
When was the last time you were here getting your hands dirty? I can't remember you saying.
When were you here again? What I've done, I've built a nice new shiny hut where the old hut was.
There's still a river of shit.
No.
What have I been saying? I'm just telling you what I've seen with my own eyes.
What more can I do? I don't know.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
It's just a bit of frustration.
I just feel, like, just cos I build one hut It's not enough.
Here's something.
I had an argument with him once over 50 pence.
If we're talking about Steve and money.
50 pence.
I got some coffees.
He said, "Where's my change?" "It's in my pocket.
" "That's mine.
" We had a big I'm not messing about.
A full-blown argument.
Over 50 pence.
That's the reality.
But he won't let that in.
He'll go, "Cut that out.
" 50 pence! I got a text from Steve this morning saying that he wants me to meet up with Sipho again.
That charity bloke.
To take part in some local activity.
I don't know what it is.
That's all he said.
That's a bungee.
What's What's the What's the thinking? We've done this.
Went all the way to New Zealand.
Didn't do it.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm not doing it.
There's a really lovely view of Soweto up there.
"Just up there and have a look.
See the township.
"There you are.
Boosh.
Off the edge.
" I'm not gonna do this.
It's crazy.
I'm a bit pissed off cos I'm on the edge of a bungee again.
Is he gonna jump? Oh, God almighty! It's pointless.
I don't want to do it.
If people want to do it then great.
But there's no reason for me to do this.
They're 500 quid.
I'd rather pay the 500 quid out of my own money than to do this jump.
Where's this going to end? He's got more money than me.
I'll pay the grand.
Fuck's sake.
You're making me look a right twat here.
You are because I don't want to do it! I'll pay that.
Look at you.
"You're going to do it, aren't you?" All the work yesterday.
Has that gone out the window? I built a hut yesterday.
You should be over the moon.
It's not going to happen.
You don't have to do it like that.
What do you mean, "You don't have to do it like that"? As if I would be! It's a definite no.
Honestly.
It's not for me.
Let's leave it at that.
If I tell Ricky I didn't do it are they going to keep doing this? Are they going to set something up again whilst I'm here? I'm just thinking of calling him and saying yeah, I did it.
All right.
How's it going? Mental.
I had to, didn't I? No, not really.
I just was focused.
"I've got to do it, let's get on with it.
"There's a tape rolling, I'm doing this.
Bang.
Done.
Bosh.
"Let's get these people happy here.
" They were over the moon.
Tell Steve, yeah.
Cos he was having a go at me.
I'm sick of it.
Just say, "Karl did it.
He's raised the money.
"We've got the five huts.
" It's pointless.
That's all right.
I'm happy with that.
I know it's not right to do that but it's shut him up now.
That's the end of it.
I've done a bungee as far as he's concerned.
Ricky's happy.
The kids have got their huts.
I'm happy.
I've got me caravan.
So it's a nice lie.
It's not an evil one.
Now I can go where I want to go.
Stay where I want to stay.
So I'm thinking of stopping off at a place where a couple have got a hippo as a pet.
Tony.
Pleased to meet you.
Shirley.
Pleased to meet you.
It's mad, isn't it.
I saw it on the Internet.
Just wandering about the front room.
It's mental.
I quite fancy getting a pet.
But it's just the hairs going everywhere.
That's a good thing with a hippo.
You don't get hairs on the sofa.
She's bloody massive when she gets out of the water.
Oh, my God, it's letting itself in.
That is mental.
That is mad.
My dad didn't let the cat in the lounge.
Fucking hippo in here.
It can't get through there, can it? Yeah.
Would you like to feed her beans? You don't have to throw it in.
She's calm, she's relaxed.
There you go.
Wonderful! That was excellent! Aw, what a lovely little baby! It's not little.
Thank you, Jessica.
Danke, Jess.
Donkey jizz? One more.
Oh, I keep missing.
Making a right mess of your kitchen.
Mind you, you've got a hippo in it.
Looks like Suzanne from the back.
You can't use that.
Do you have insurance? If it knocked your plasma over, are you covered? No.
It's like some sort of mad dream or a cartoon.
When you think about what I've been put through and this is the maddest thing I've seen in 38 years.
Every night she has her aromatherapy body massage.
What it makes me realise is that I'm quite lucky with Suzanne.
She's asked for a cat, she's asked for a dog.
I've gone, "No, we haven't got the space.
" Shirley's got a hippo.
You can't be lying in bed.
There's charity stuff that needs sorting out.
Sipho's been calling.
The guy who does the charity stuff.
Raising money for the huts.
Have you paid it yet? Hello? I'm just calling up, letting you know I'm having a good time.
Just had a little shower, had some breakfast, sat here with a hippo.
Honestly.
If you're saying animals, this is the best way to see it.
In someone's house.
Have a cup of tea of you want it.
Biscuits on the go.
It's just sat here now.
It's well happy.
Course it's happy.
No, it wanders off, wanders in, watches a bit of telly.
I'm off to see the gorillas.
I'm not going to bring one home.
Sipho again.
"Hiya, Karl.
The money still hasn't transferred into our account.
" Give it a chance.
"Ricky tells me you're up near Jessica the hippo.
"There's a township that could do with your help there.
"They also need more huts.
Let me know.
" Ricky's just taking the piss.
He can't be arsed to wind me up.
He's getting someone else to do it.
Is that what it's going to be like for the rest of the trip? "We're in the shit.
Who can we call?" "I've got Karl's number.
" "Have you?" Honestly, I feel like the fourth emergency service.
All right? It's Karl.
Yeah, not bad.
I'm a lot happier now, with this caravan.
It's pretty close.
This is the happiest I've been, doing this bucket list.
So have you got owt for me to do? Ndebele tribe? The king? I've never met a king.
What do I cook him? It's the first dinner party I've ever done.
So just keep it simple.
I want to cook him something I'd eat.
I don't want to try and be fancy.
Look at these.
Even the owl's going, "Bloody hell!" Cooking for a king tonight.
He'd eat beans? Yeah, another tribe.
Fine.
They're not that different.
You know, the clobber they wear, sometimes you kinda go, "What are you playing at?" But take that away, they're just people, aren't they? And most people like beans.
I like all this.
This is good.
Very nice.
Very nice, that.
Colourful.
Erm I'm not allowed to paint the caravan though, am I? It's hired.
It's not my caravan.
Yeah, if it comes off.
Just cos, like I say, it's not mine.
That'd be good, then.
All right, yeah.
Let's do that.
Do you need help getting up when you've got these on? I imagine it's difficult getting up.
It's like having guttering on your legs.
Sure you're all right? Right.
OK.
Just one side, maybe.
Yeah.
Just a little bit at a time.
Let's not go mad.
So I don't understand.
This paint That's not paint.
This is cow dung.
Count down? Cow dung.
Cow.
Cow dung? What, you're using cow shit? Yes.
I'm not seeing cow shit.
That's lovely paint.
You've come over with shit to put on my caravan.
That looks nothing like the art over there.
It's nothing like it.
This is like a dirty protest.
(Mobile rings) There you are.
Police.
"Your mum's been at it again.
"Shit all over No.
18.
" It stinks when you wake it up like that.
Keeps hitting me.
Is that OK? That's nice.
It's nice? All the toilets here have looked like this.
I realise now it's art.
Got some in my mouth.
It's flicked off.
Meant to be cooking for a king, not handling shit.
Brilliant.
Can I go and wash my hands? That's the king? Hello.
I'm Karl.
Yeah? Good one.
I'm just preparing your food for you.
How many people are you eating with tonight? All these are eating as well.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
OK, you go and do what you've gotta do.
He's wearing a full cheetah on his back.
I should give him fucking Kitekat, not beans.
What's this on the floor? Nibbles, to start.
Shortbread biscuits.
I don't know if they've tried them.
Wiggly worms.
Some crisps.
In case they're sort of fitness freaks apples.
Crisp, biscuit, fruit, wiggly worm.
Quite sour.
Fuckin' hell! Toast.
Toast.
Beans.
Toast.
Can't you help? You can see I'm struggling here.
I can't do this! I can't do it, Luke.
Fuckin' hell.
I just kicked a load of shit on that.
Sorry about the delay.
This isn't it.
There is also a pudding.
Karl, they want to know what it's called! Cheese on toast with beans.
Geldof said he fed the world.
What a fucking nightmare it is.
Pudding? Chocolate sponge.
Custard.
Thank you.
Quite warm.
God, I'm knackered.
No wonder Ramsey's always swearing.
Karl? I think they want another round of cake.
Who does? All of them.
I haven't got enough.
I bought one box of custard.
They don't want any more.
He's moved onto a plate of meat.
Some woman's come out.
She's had more time.
Hers looks fucking brilliant compared to that shit.
I don't get him at times.
How many animals do I need to see? And I've still got to face the gorilla.
What's that there? What animal's this? That's the dung of a blue wildebeest.
That's er You don't have to pick it up.
Pretty old dropping.
Yeah.
Quite old.
Are you joking? Are they olives? What are you doing licking it? Taste-testing it.
It's the way to determine the age of the dropping.
What I'm doing is I'm determining the freshness of the dropping.
It can be determined just by the taste of it.
Is that a last resort? It's just a standard little tester.
You don't want to follow the wrong set of footprints.
How often a week are you licking shit? Yeah.
Believe me.
Taste it.
Won't hurt you.
Get your finger in there a bit and you can get a bit of a taste of it.
Things to do before you die.
Stick your finger in shit.
Got some? It's a bit sweet.
We'll find some later that's ever fresher.
It's like wine tasting.
It's the same kind of principle.
You get it? Do you know You Bet, with Matthew Kelly? No.
It's a programme on the telly.
If there were piles of shit and I blindfolded you and went, "What's that?" could you tell just by that what animal it is? I'd give it a go.
It's not a skill to be proud of.
So now we're heading to the area where the rhinoceros has been located.
Why have they got to shift him? This particular rhinoceros bull is holding a territory full of young females and many of them are his daughters.
They're the weirdest looking thing.
There's some people who think God created stuff like that.
But would he really design something as gormless-looking as that? And don't look at me.
We've given the rhino the injection.
It's resting its head in the tree.
Messing about with it a bit.
And then we have to walk it over to a truck.
Get it on the back of a truck.
Get it out of this tribe.
Because it'd have it away with its own daughter, which isn't good.
You get div rhinos running around.
Take it to another sort of group of rhinos.
It can have it away with them.
That's it, isn't it, really? I don't want to get this close to a gorilla unless this fella's sticking an injection up its arse.
We could do that, couldn't we? Knock it out, have me sat with it.
Fucking leg it.
Second biggest thing on the planet.
There's a fact for you if you want it to look good.
What's the biggest, then? Elephant, isn't it? It is! Why do you question everything? I know some facts.
Haven't you been whale-watching on this series? I got a text from Suzanne.
I was saying how's it going.
She said, "Oh, stressful.
I'm moving office.
" I was moving a fucking rhino.
But me turning up for one day, doing a bit of DIY, Look at it.
Look at it! Do you know a fella called Bam? What? Bam.
A man called Bam.
In a van.
You Bam? Heavy jacket.
Is that a priority when I see a gorilla? What pants am I going to wear? I'm gonna need a pair of cords.
Didn't Ricky want you to go naked? There's no way I'm going naked.
Gorillas In The Mist.
She had clothes on.
David Attenborough.
When he was rolling about with them.
He didn't have his knob out.
So I'm not doing that.
If it's wear the cords or not, I'll wear the cords.
I don't even know why you're filming me shopping.
I sometimes think you're making a different programme to me.
Let's buy these.
Seven thousand.
How much is that in pounds? It's ã1.
60, mate.
ã1.
60 for a pair of pants? That's really good.
What else have they got? I do need a long sleeve.
It's brilliant, that.
Great top here.
You know I've always got a problem with the boiler? Good that, isn't it? Just ten more minutes, just to have a look around.
What about the trainers? Yeah, they're good, them.
You like it? Yeah, I do, yeah.
How about if I just do a swap? Let's go.
Gotta go, mate.
Hey, look, they've got a pool table.
Karl, this isn't really what we had in mind.
I didn't have in mind shopping about buying cords.
Rules have changed.
Pisses me off at times.
Have you thought about what you'll say to the viewers when you're out there with the gorillas? I don't know.
Just see how it goes.
No-one's gonna be expecting a great speech from me anyway, are they? Everything's been said that can be said about a gorilla.
Then why are we doing it? Just wanted to see one.
How long's this trek? Three hours.
You are kidding me.
We're walking another three hours? I'm just hoping it's you know it's worth it.
You can smell a gorilla's nest? Do you need to taste it to see how near they are? You can see it's fresh.
The leaves are wet.
Why are you jumping to stick your finger in it? We're not, though.
We've been going for hours.
We've got to walk the same route back.
How long now, Dave? He said seven minutes.
Is this how you imagined it? No.
No, I didn't.
I didn't I'm not Oh, fuckin' hell.
Ah, you twat.
Don't talk to me.
Honestly.
Look at this! A fucking triffid's got hold of me.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Me feet are hurting, me toes are being crushed, my socks are wet.
I've got a headache coming on.
Are you saying the gorillas are going back to where we started? This is why Dian Fossey stayed with them, isn't it? She did the trek and said bollocks to going back.
It's easier to live with them.
I've seen it.
Wonderful? Fuck me.
I look like ET.
That's a big one, isn't it? Shall we start off at a smaller one? It's bloody massive! How many gorillas are there in the world? 700? That's nothing, that.
You could put the world's gorillas on one flight.
They'd take up more than one seat though.
All right.
If they had standing.
If it wasn't taking off and there were no sort of rules.
You could put some in business class.
You could get them all on it.
Which made me realise that is a bit of a problem.
Not that is a problem.
David, should I sit down? It was the gorillas thing today, wasn't it? Yeah, I saw a family of them.
Bit of communication.
Well no, not really.
Got a right headache.
Have I got mozzie bites on my head? Ten hours, it was, in total.
To get there and back.
Walking.
In mud.
Socks wet.
Covered in shit.
I got there.
They wanted me to give some quote as to how I was feeling.
I couldn't think of anything.
They've got little ears.
Long arms.
Short legs.
Is this your speech? I think it's all to do with the accent.
If Attenborough said that, if he went, "They've got little ears," people would go, "Good.
" Because I'm northern, people go, "He sounds like a right dickhead.
" It's not easy, is it? I'm sat here with nettles up my arse trying to think of something worthy to say.
I just think, at the end of the day Don't say anything.
You can say it best when you say nothing at all.
Ronan Keating said that.
Yeah, there you go.
Let's take the words of Ronan Keating here.
I say it best when I say nothing at all.
I won't put my hands down cos there's shit everywhere.
I know the trip was all about the gorillas but I reckon I've made a lot of difference in Africa.
You sorted that thing out for me to build a hut.
I've done that for them.
I taught kids.
I cooked for the king and his mates.
I shifted that rhino.
That's another charity act.
That's what I was going to say though.
Because I've been doing a lot of charity work I want to finish this trip by completing it.
I'll pay the two and a half grand when I get back and that way it's part of No, I want to.
Honestly.
I want to.
I didn't do it.
I didn't do the jump.
I didn't do the jump.
I didn't do it.
I didn't do the jump.
No but I got Luke the director to put my hat on and do the jump but his hat came off so you can see he's not bald.
So it didn't work.
We can split the ã2,500, then.
Next time on An Idiot Abroad Route 66 I've heard of.
Two and a half thousand miles.
A car without a roof on it.
Driving along.
Fuckin' hell! You could do this solo.
Does that mean singing on me own? "What do you want to do, Karl?" "Drive down Route 66.
" "All right, then.
" What are we doing? Get the dancers in.
No, hang on.
Wait.
Wait.
No! No!
See the glaciers before they melt.
Go on an African safari.
Encounter the world's largest mammal.
The ultimate things to do before you die.
Or are they? If I was on my deathbed, there's no way I'd want to be climbing Kilimanjaro.
It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.
It's things to do in your life.
It's difficult.
He was so suspicious after the last time.
Here we go.
We've told him that he gets to choose whatever he wants to do.
But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats that he's not expecting.
This is a man who's reluctant, a man who doesn't want to do these things.
It's making Karl do things other people want to do before they die.
Yeah, exactly! This isn't his list.
Fucking twats! Look at this one.
"Come face to face with mountain gorillas in their natural habitat.
" What a privilege that is.
One of the most endangered species on the planet.
One of our closest living relatives.
98% genetically identical to a human, a gorilla.
Even more similar to you.
What an amazing privilege.
I've seen 'em in the zoo.
Right.
And they do impress me.
How do they impress you? They're just very human in the eyes.
I think that would be such a meeting of minds, for you to come face to face with a mountain gorilla in its natural habitat.
Both just there.
Both nude amongst the foliage.
What is it with you and nude? They don't like clothes.
And you are hairy.
And you've got more chance of them seeing similarities I'm not wandering about in, like, the woods, looking for apes, nude.
Cos there's a point when that woods ends, Nude.
Just for charity.
Has it got worse? Is it me, as I've got older? Does it seem like there's more and more stuff we've got to give to? When I was a kid, all I ever saw was like that kid wearing callipers outside a supermarket.
It was like an iron model of a girl with callipers on her legs and a built-up shoe and you put 20p in it or whatever.
That was being hassled for charity.
Now you can't walk down the street without someone going "I need your help.
" I think these people are sick and tired of people coming in from England with a camera crew.
They can't move on.
They want to build new houses.
They haven't got time.
The crews keep turning up.
If it's not Geldof it's Richard Curtis or Lenny Henry cropping up.
They can't get anything done.
Sipho.
Hey, Karl.
How's it? Yeah, I'm all right.
Not too bad, not too bad.
Who's the man in the back? I need security? Yeah.
I'm Karl.
How you doing? Just a normal handshake.
How many kids will I be teaching? Twelve.
Are you happy with that? That's the problem with charity.
It's never enough.
Everything's a bit of a shock to the system.
I've got a bodyguard.
I'm in a primary school.
How dangerous is this place? By sending me in to teach the local kids, I think it's more of a hindrance.
I know nothing.
I'm in a programme called Idiot Abroad.
Why don't you talk about some places you've been? If I start going, "Yes, well, kids China they haven't got doors on the shitters.
" They'll go, "We haven't.
" You've seen where they're living.
What can I teach them? The children have chosen the topic, by the way.
You're going to talk about risk.
Risk? Risk in general.
You can just say whatever you think and whatever you know about risk.
Afternoon, everyone.
OK.
Risk.
Stop messing about at the back.
Shut the door cos that's very risky, leaving the door open.
Thank you very much.
What do you think risk is? Hm.
Right.
See, it's tough, this.
Does anyone have any risks in their life? Course you can.
How old is she to be worrying about that? 13? I didn't worry about people having kids when I was 13.
Do they honestly want to know about risk in sex? In sex.
You understand that? That's what we're talking about.
I thought I was coming in to talk about Humpty Dumpty.
Right.
OK.
Here you go.
The thing is I haven't got kids.
Just so you know.
I'm 38 now.
I haven't got any children.
Old? I've got a girlfriend.
For 17 years.
She's not 17! I've been with her for 17 years.
All right? OK.
Don't rush into having kids.
What you should do Focus on getting a job.
Meet a woman, meet a man.
Have a good time for a bit, but be careful.
Wear a condom.
Yeah? Yes.
Right, what else do you want to know? It's not cut! This isn't a style! I'm bald! I don't say, "Can you just take that bit off and leave that?" Do you want to play on a bike? Yes.
This is a risk.
That's risky.
Never do that.
Never do it one-handed.
Never do that.
Geldof.
He did a lot, didn't he? He got involved in all this and he's got sick of it.
I don't hear about him coming here any more.
You feel like, what can you do? What can you do? How can you sort this out? Is this just water or Karl.
How you doing? Hello.
Little fella.
Hello.
Hello.
Give loads to charity.
Helping old people.
Deaf kids.
Save The Kids.
If anything I'd say I'm single-handedly causing the world's population problem.
Cos I'm saving everyone.
I'm like Superman.
Sure we got the right house? Quite happy helping out.
I help anyone out.
If someone needs a bit of help.
But me turning up for one day, doing a bit of DIY, is that really gonna sort this out? It's gonna take forever.
Look how many need to be replaced.
600,000 people live here, he said.
The rules are you're meant to build your own.
The people we're helping are ill so they need help to build their house.
But I don't know where they went.
I shook their hands and they disappeared.
Gone out for the day.
He's been lying on a bed in the corner there.
Imagine being ill and someone knocking your house down? Hang on a minute.
Just leave me.
Let me be.
He's got the builders in making a right racket.
Right balls-up of that one.
Not the greatest view, is it? Looks all right though, doesn't it? Steve, it's Karl.
Yeah, I got the hut done.
There's about another 600,000 to do.
So I don't understand what I was meant to get out of it.
Yeah, but I do that.
When I get back I'll show you my bank statement.
You'll see all this stuff flying out, left, right and centre, helping all these charities.
When was the last time you were here getting your hands dirty? I can't remember you saying.
When were you here again? What I've done, I've built a nice new shiny hut where the old hut was.
There's still a river of shit.
No.
What have I been saying? I'm just telling you what I've seen with my own eyes.
What more can I do? I don't know.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
It's just a bit of frustration.
I just feel, like, just cos I build one hut It's not enough.
Here's something.
I had an argument with him once over 50 pence.
If we're talking about Steve and money.
50 pence.
I got some coffees.
He said, "Where's my change?" "It's in my pocket.
" "That's mine.
" We had a big I'm not messing about.
A full-blown argument.
Over 50 pence.
That's the reality.
But he won't let that in.
He'll go, "Cut that out.
" 50 pence! I got a text from Steve this morning saying that he wants me to meet up with Sipho again.
That charity bloke.
To take part in some local activity.
I don't know what it is.
That's all he said.
That's a bungee.
What's What's the What's the thinking? We've done this.
Went all the way to New Zealand.
Didn't do it.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm not doing it.
There's a really lovely view of Soweto up there.
"Just up there and have a look.
See the township.
"There you are.
Boosh.
Off the edge.
" I'm not gonna do this.
It's crazy.
I'm a bit pissed off cos I'm on the edge of a bungee again.
Is he gonna jump? Oh, God almighty! It's pointless.
I don't want to do it.
If people want to do it then great.
But there's no reason for me to do this.
They're 500 quid.
I'd rather pay the 500 quid out of my own money than to do this jump.
Where's this going to end? He's got more money than me.
I'll pay the grand.
Fuck's sake.
You're making me look a right twat here.
You are because I don't want to do it! I'll pay that.
Look at you.
"You're going to do it, aren't you?" All the work yesterday.
Has that gone out the window? I built a hut yesterday.
You should be over the moon.
It's not going to happen.
You don't have to do it like that.
What do you mean, "You don't have to do it like that"? As if I would be! It's a definite no.
Honestly.
It's not for me.
Let's leave it at that.
If I tell Ricky I didn't do it are they going to keep doing this? Are they going to set something up again whilst I'm here? I'm just thinking of calling him and saying yeah, I did it.
All right.
How's it going? Mental.
I had to, didn't I? No, not really.
I just was focused.
"I've got to do it, let's get on with it.
"There's a tape rolling, I'm doing this.
Bang.
Done.
Bosh.
"Let's get these people happy here.
" They were over the moon.
Tell Steve, yeah.
Cos he was having a go at me.
I'm sick of it.
Just say, "Karl did it.
He's raised the money.
"We've got the five huts.
" It's pointless.
That's all right.
I'm happy with that.
I know it's not right to do that but it's shut him up now.
That's the end of it.
I've done a bungee as far as he's concerned.
Ricky's happy.
The kids have got their huts.
I'm happy.
I've got me caravan.
So it's a nice lie.
It's not an evil one.
Now I can go where I want to go.
Stay where I want to stay.
So I'm thinking of stopping off at a place where a couple have got a hippo as a pet.
Tony.
Pleased to meet you.
Shirley.
Pleased to meet you.
It's mad, isn't it.
I saw it on the Internet.
Just wandering about the front room.
It's mental.
I quite fancy getting a pet.
But it's just the hairs going everywhere.
That's a good thing with a hippo.
You don't get hairs on the sofa.
She's bloody massive when she gets out of the water.
Oh, my God, it's letting itself in.
That is mental.
That is mad.
My dad didn't let the cat in the lounge.
Fucking hippo in here.
It can't get through there, can it? Yeah.
Would you like to feed her beans? You don't have to throw it in.
She's calm, she's relaxed.
There you go.
Wonderful! That was excellent! Aw, what a lovely little baby! It's not little.
Thank you, Jessica.
Danke, Jess.
Donkey jizz? One more.
Oh, I keep missing.
Making a right mess of your kitchen.
Mind you, you've got a hippo in it.
Looks like Suzanne from the back.
You can't use that.
Do you have insurance? If it knocked your plasma over, are you covered? No.
It's like some sort of mad dream or a cartoon.
When you think about what I've been put through and this is the maddest thing I've seen in 38 years.
Every night she has her aromatherapy body massage.
What it makes me realise is that I'm quite lucky with Suzanne.
She's asked for a cat, she's asked for a dog.
I've gone, "No, we haven't got the space.
" Shirley's got a hippo.
You can't be lying in bed.
There's charity stuff that needs sorting out.
Sipho's been calling.
The guy who does the charity stuff.
Raising money for the huts.
Have you paid it yet? Hello? I'm just calling up, letting you know I'm having a good time.
Just had a little shower, had some breakfast, sat here with a hippo.
Honestly.
If you're saying animals, this is the best way to see it.
In someone's house.
Have a cup of tea of you want it.
Biscuits on the go.
It's just sat here now.
It's well happy.
Course it's happy.
No, it wanders off, wanders in, watches a bit of telly.
I'm off to see the gorillas.
I'm not going to bring one home.
Sipho again.
"Hiya, Karl.
The money still hasn't transferred into our account.
" Give it a chance.
"Ricky tells me you're up near Jessica the hippo.
"There's a township that could do with your help there.
"They also need more huts.
Let me know.
" Ricky's just taking the piss.
He can't be arsed to wind me up.
He's getting someone else to do it.
Is that what it's going to be like for the rest of the trip? "We're in the shit.
Who can we call?" "I've got Karl's number.
" "Have you?" Honestly, I feel like the fourth emergency service.
All right? It's Karl.
Yeah, not bad.
I'm a lot happier now, with this caravan.
It's pretty close.
This is the happiest I've been, doing this bucket list.
So have you got owt for me to do? Ndebele tribe? The king? I've never met a king.
What do I cook him? It's the first dinner party I've ever done.
So just keep it simple.
I want to cook him something I'd eat.
I don't want to try and be fancy.
Look at these.
Even the owl's going, "Bloody hell!" Cooking for a king tonight.
He'd eat beans? Yeah, another tribe.
Fine.
They're not that different.
You know, the clobber they wear, sometimes you kinda go, "What are you playing at?" But take that away, they're just people, aren't they? And most people like beans.
I like all this.
This is good.
Very nice.
Very nice, that.
Colourful.
Erm I'm not allowed to paint the caravan though, am I? It's hired.
It's not my caravan.
Yeah, if it comes off.
Just cos, like I say, it's not mine.
That'd be good, then.
All right, yeah.
Let's do that.
Do you need help getting up when you've got these on? I imagine it's difficult getting up.
It's like having guttering on your legs.
Sure you're all right? Right.
OK.
Just one side, maybe.
Yeah.
Just a little bit at a time.
Let's not go mad.
So I don't understand.
This paint That's not paint.
This is cow dung.
Count down? Cow dung.
Cow.
Cow dung? What, you're using cow shit? Yes.
I'm not seeing cow shit.
That's lovely paint.
You've come over with shit to put on my caravan.
That looks nothing like the art over there.
It's nothing like it.
This is like a dirty protest.
(Mobile rings) There you are.
Police.
"Your mum's been at it again.
"Shit all over No.
18.
" It stinks when you wake it up like that.
Keeps hitting me.
Is that OK? That's nice.
It's nice? All the toilets here have looked like this.
I realise now it's art.
Got some in my mouth.
It's flicked off.
Meant to be cooking for a king, not handling shit.
Brilliant.
Can I go and wash my hands? That's the king? Hello.
I'm Karl.
Yeah? Good one.
I'm just preparing your food for you.
How many people are you eating with tonight? All these are eating as well.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
OK, you go and do what you've gotta do.
He's wearing a full cheetah on his back.
I should give him fucking Kitekat, not beans.
What's this on the floor? Nibbles, to start.
Shortbread biscuits.
I don't know if they've tried them.
Wiggly worms.
Some crisps.
In case they're sort of fitness freaks apples.
Crisp, biscuit, fruit, wiggly worm.
Quite sour.
Fuckin' hell! Toast.
Toast.
Beans.
Toast.
Can't you help? You can see I'm struggling here.
I can't do this! I can't do it, Luke.
Fuckin' hell.
I just kicked a load of shit on that.
Sorry about the delay.
This isn't it.
There is also a pudding.
Karl, they want to know what it's called! Cheese on toast with beans.
Geldof said he fed the world.
What a fucking nightmare it is.
Pudding? Chocolate sponge.
Custard.
Thank you.
Quite warm.
God, I'm knackered.
No wonder Ramsey's always swearing.
Karl? I think they want another round of cake.
Who does? All of them.
I haven't got enough.
I bought one box of custard.
They don't want any more.
He's moved onto a plate of meat.
Some woman's come out.
She's had more time.
Hers looks fucking brilliant compared to that shit.
I don't get him at times.
How many animals do I need to see? And I've still got to face the gorilla.
What's that there? What animal's this? That's the dung of a blue wildebeest.
That's er You don't have to pick it up.
Pretty old dropping.
Yeah.
Quite old.
Are you joking? Are they olives? What are you doing licking it? Taste-testing it.
It's the way to determine the age of the dropping.
What I'm doing is I'm determining the freshness of the dropping.
It can be determined just by the taste of it.
Is that a last resort? It's just a standard little tester.
You don't want to follow the wrong set of footprints.
How often a week are you licking shit? Yeah.
Believe me.
Taste it.
Won't hurt you.
Get your finger in there a bit and you can get a bit of a taste of it.
Things to do before you die.
Stick your finger in shit.
Got some? It's a bit sweet.
We'll find some later that's ever fresher.
It's like wine tasting.
It's the same kind of principle.
You get it? Do you know You Bet, with Matthew Kelly? No.
It's a programme on the telly.
If there were piles of shit and I blindfolded you and went, "What's that?" could you tell just by that what animal it is? I'd give it a go.
It's not a skill to be proud of.
So now we're heading to the area where the rhinoceros has been located.
Why have they got to shift him? This particular rhinoceros bull is holding a territory full of young females and many of them are his daughters.
They're the weirdest looking thing.
There's some people who think God created stuff like that.
But would he really design something as gormless-looking as that? And don't look at me.
We've given the rhino the injection.
It's resting its head in the tree.
Messing about with it a bit.
And then we have to walk it over to a truck.
Get it on the back of a truck.
Get it out of this tribe.
Because it'd have it away with its own daughter, which isn't good.
You get div rhinos running around.
Take it to another sort of group of rhinos.
It can have it away with them.
That's it, isn't it, really? I don't want to get this close to a gorilla unless this fella's sticking an injection up its arse.
We could do that, couldn't we? Knock it out, have me sat with it.
Fucking leg it.
Second biggest thing on the planet.
There's a fact for you if you want it to look good.
What's the biggest, then? Elephant, isn't it? It is! Why do you question everything? I know some facts.
Haven't you been whale-watching on this series? I got a text from Suzanne.
I was saying how's it going.
She said, "Oh, stressful.
I'm moving office.
" I was moving a fucking rhino.
But me turning up for one day, doing a bit of DIY, Look at it.
Look at it! Do you know a fella called Bam? What? Bam.
A man called Bam.
In a van.
You Bam? Heavy jacket.
Is that a priority when I see a gorilla? What pants am I going to wear? I'm gonna need a pair of cords.
Didn't Ricky want you to go naked? There's no way I'm going naked.
Gorillas In The Mist.
She had clothes on.
David Attenborough.
When he was rolling about with them.
He didn't have his knob out.
So I'm not doing that.
If it's wear the cords or not, I'll wear the cords.
I don't even know why you're filming me shopping.
I sometimes think you're making a different programme to me.
Let's buy these.
Seven thousand.
How much is that in pounds? It's ã1.
60, mate.
ã1.
60 for a pair of pants? That's really good.
What else have they got? I do need a long sleeve.
It's brilliant, that.
Great top here.
You know I've always got a problem with the boiler? Good that, isn't it? Just ten more minutes, just to have a look around.
What about the trainers? Yeah, they're good, them.
You like it? Yeah, I do, yeah.
How about if I just do a swap? Let's go.
Gotta go, mate.
Hey, look, they've got a pool table.
Karl, this isn't really what we had in mind.
I didn't have in mind shopping about buying cords.
Rules have changed.
Pisses me off at times.
Have you thought about what you'll say to the viewers when you're out there with the gorillas? I don't know.
Just see how it goes.
No-one's gonna be expecting a great speech from me anyway, are they? Everything's been said that can be said about a gorilla.
Then why are we doing it? Just wanted to see one.
How long's this trek? Three hours.
You are kidding me.
We're walking another three hours? I'm just hoping it's you know it's worth it.
You can smell a gorilla's nest? Do you need to taste it to see how near they are? You can see it's fresh.
The leaves are wet.
Why are you jumping to stick your finger in it? We're not, though.
We've been going for hours.
We've got to walk the same route back.
How long now, Dave? He said seven minutes.
Is this how you imagined it? No.
No, I didn't.
I didn't I'm not Oh, fuckin' hell.
Ah, you twat.
Don't talk to me.
Honestly.
Look at this! A fucking triffid's got hold of me.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Me feet are hurting, me toes are being crushed, my socks are wet.
I've got a headache coming on.
Are you saying the gorillas are going back to where we started? This is why Dian Fossey stayed with them, isn't it? She did the trek and said bollocks to going back.
It's easier to live with them.
I've seen it.
Wonderful? Fuck me.
I look like ET.
That's a big one, isn't it? Shall we start off at a smaller one? It's bloody massive! How many gorillas are there in the world? 700? That's nothing, that.
You could put the world's gorillas on one flight.
They'd take up more than one seat though.
All right.
If they had standing.
If it wasn't taking off and there were no sort of rules.
You could put some in business class.
You could get them all on it.
Which made me realise that is a bit of a problem.
Not that is a problem.
David, should I sit down? It was the gorillas thing today, wasn't it? Yeah, I saw a family of them.
Bit of communication.
Well no, not really.
Got a right headache.
Have I got mozzie bites on my head? Ten hours, it was, in total.
To get there and back.
Walking.
In mud.
Socks wet.
Covered in shit.
I got there.
They wanted me to give some quote as to how I was feeling.
I couldn't think of anything.
They've got little ears.
Long arms.
Short legs.
Is this your speech? I think it's all to do with the accent.
If Attenborough said that, if he went, "They've got little ears," people would go, "Good.
" Because I'm northern, people go, "He sounds like a right dickhead.
" It's not easy, is it? I'm sat here with nettles up my arse trying to think of something worthy to say.
I just think, at the end of the day Don't say anything.
You can say it best when you say nothing at all.
Ronan Keating said that.
Yeah, there you go.
Let's take the words of Ronan Keating here.
I say it best when I say nothing at all.
I won't put my hands down cos there's shit everywhere.
I know the trip was all about the gorillas but I reckon I've made a lot of difference in Africa.
You sorted that thing out for me to build a hut.
I've done that for them.
I taught kids.
I cooked for the king and his mates.
I shifted that rhino.
That's another charity act.
That's what I was going to say though.
Because I've been doing a lot of charity work I want to finish this trip by completing it.
I'll pay the two and a half grand when I get back and that way it's part of No, I want to.
Honestly.
I want to.
I didn't do it.
I didn't do the jump.
I didn't do the jump.
I didn't do it.
I didn't do the jump.
No but I got Luke the director to put my hat on and do the jump but his hat came off so you can see he's not bald.
So it didn't work.
We can split the ã2,500, then.
Next time on An Idiot Abroad Route 66 I've heard of.
Two and a half thousand miles.
A car without a roof on it.
Driving along.
Fuckin' hell! You could do this solo.
Does that mean singing on me own? "What do you want to do, Karl?" "Drive down Route 66.
" "All right, then.
" What are we doing? Get the dancers in.
No, hang on.
Wait.
Wait.
No! No!