And Just Like That... (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

Tragically Hip

1 Now, be kind.
I've had this place forever.
Buyers love a classic old brownstone, and I can light a few Diptyques to cover that classic old brownstone smell.
Seema, this is just me showing you where I've been staying, since you asked.
- It's not about a sale.
- Everything is about a sale.
- Ooh.
- What the hell are you doing? Oh, it's just my lower back.
Sometimes, I need a little help getting up the stairs.
A little help? You're using an umbrella as a cane.
The internet says I have "old lady back.
" The internet is for perverts.
What does your orthopedist say? Ohh - you know I don't have one of those.
- Well, now you do.
Let me call my cousin's office, and get you an appointment later today.
Oh, no, no, please don't go to any trouble over my completely common senior condition.
You're not old, and Vik doesn't have anything he can't move to get you in.
- Charming.
- Thank you.
I can have a crew here to take care of that tomorrow.
- Oh.
- Hi, my darling, it's Seema.
Does Vikash have any time in the next couple of hours to see my friend about her sore back? No, it's not an emergency, but she does need to be seen immediately, preferably before 3:00.
I have a showing.
Seema, there is no urgency to this 'cause, 'cause I, actually, I, I bought these very fancy patches that I saw on TV.
They heat up when you stick them on.
They're like magic, back magic.
Thank you so much, Jessie.
We'll see you soon.
I should hire you to be in charge of my entire life.
I know you're joking but, honestly, you could use some help.
Chop-chop, grandma.
Vik will see you in an hour.
See, it's magic.
Okay, I'm here.
How we doin'? What on earth took you so long? The technician took her X-rays like half an hour ago.
Um I'm fine.
Thank you for asking.
Hiya, Carrie.
I'm Vikash.
I'm sure Seema gave you my entire resume, and dating history in the car on the way, so I won't bother you with a formal introduction.
Well, it's very nice to meet you, Dr.
So, my colleague, Dr.
Wilson, and I looked at your films It's arthritis, right? I have old lady disease in my back.
That's what the internet told me.
I am sorry if my medical degree contradicts Google's algorithm, but I think Well, I'm not a doctor, but, uh, that's not my back.
Wait for it.
It's your hip.
You have an undiagnosed congenital birth defect.
- I do? - But it's something I can fix surgically, and get you back on your feet in no time.
I'm not an old lady! I have a congenital hip defect.
But you are having hip surgery, so it's, it's kind of an old thing.
Yeah, hip as an adjective is young, but hip as a noun is kinda old.
If we're being honest, using hip as an adjective is knock-knock-knockin' on the nursin' home door, too.
- I am no longer paying for lunch.
- Come on.
We are thrilled that you found an archaeologist to saw your old carcass open, and try to put those sanded-down fossils - inside you back together - Anthony! What?! She laughed.
And this is my first solo lunch with you ladies.
I've really gotta bring it.
This calls for champagne.
- Miranda, it, it isn't even 12:30.
- We're celebrating.
Anthony is here, and Carrie is not old.
No, I'm not, and Dr.
Patel said he couldn't believe I was still up and walking, and after these last two months, neither can I.
So, I have started an Excel spreadsheet, so that we can all take turns helping out with Carrie's recovery post-surgery.
You guys, this is so nice, truly, and if it's too much, you know, I can, I can always hire a nurse.
I just I just don't wanna be alone.
- You won't be alone.
- We're here for you.
I'm not changin' any bedpans.
I would rather die than show you my pee.
Okay They say that Carrie will be on crutches for two to three weeks, and then, six to eight weeks PT, and then, full recovery in a few months.
- But no strenuous exercise.
- Not a problem.
- And no heels.
- Problem.
Do you even own a flat shoe? Yes, I bought a pair of Toms in 2007.
But that was just because it made me feel like a good person.
So, we're all set for the entire class to go to MoMA PS1 to see the James Turrell? Yes, we are.
I collected all the permission slips and fees, and I think Ainsley took care of the charter bus.
I did, even got us a discount.
Great! Does anyone have anything else before we break for this week? - Veronica.
- Uh, n-nothing official.
Just wanted to say how funny Rock was in the school play.
Oh my goodness.
Yes, Rock, yes! Oh, Rock was a total rock star Wait, Wait, who's Rock? Did-did I somehow miss a new kid? No, Rock, your Did everyone just freeze? Okay, ladies, we're done here, right? Talk soon.
Charlotte, I'm gonna call you right now.
- Hello? - It's me.
I, I assumed you knew.
Wait, what is happening? Knew what? Rose told everyone at school to call her Rock.
Well, is it Rock as in like a jokey nickname, or is it Rock as in, "I don't wanna be Rose anymore"? Sorry, sweetie I don't know the context.
Are, are you hammering or something? No, no, I'm just making snacks.
- Bam! I'm beating you, Dad.
- Oh no! Dude! You lose, come on! - Oh! - Harry.
Can we please take a moment from exploding frogs? I'm confused.
I need information.
Rose, did you change your name at school to Rock? - Yeah.
- You changed your name? And you didn't want to tell us before you told everyone at school? I did let you know.
I put up a TikTok.
Well, you put up about 10 TikToks today, so I guess I'm behind.
Yo, my name is Rock The new kid on the block Not tryna shock or joinin' the flock R-o-c-k, Rock R-o-c-k, Rock R-o-c-k, Rock.
We get it.
I'm sorry, what, wh-what's happenin'? Are, are you a rapper now? - Is, is Rock your rapper name? - Dad.
Rapper name? Don't ever say that again.
Let's stay focused.
Did you do this because your friend Ellen changed her name to Eli? No, it's because I feel like Rock.
And Eli now goes by Scout.
Well, good for Scout, so let me get this straight.
Everyone at school is now calling you Rock? Even your teachers? Yeah, they're cool with it.
Oh, well, as long as they're cool with it.
- Hey! - Oh, hey! - You still up? - Yeah, just need to get some water.
Wow, you get a lotta packages from Amazon.
Yes, I do too many and not all for me.
Uh, tube socks and Astroglide.
Strawberry flavor.
Sorry, meant to intercept that.
Next time, please do.
You know, I love how cool you are about all that stuff.
I mean, if my mom ever opened my lube in her house, she would've choked me to death with a rosary.
Ooh, what book did you order? Oh, I, uh, I didn't order this.
Must be a mistake.
Yeah, it's, it's a mistake.
That's not for me.
See, that's why I never order things online.
You never know who has access to your information.
Well, I'm, uh, I'm definitely gonna check my account because I did not order this.
- Name? - Oh, Carrie Bradshaw for Dr.
I, I filled out all the forms online during an extremely productive panic attack.
Well, then, Miss Bradshaw, take this buzzer, and when it lights up, we'll take you back.
- Really? Am I at Applebee's? - You wish.
Lucky for you, our knives are sharper.
- Okay, thank you.
- You're welcome.
This is very unsettling.
Well, it is a hospital.
No, I meant my stocks and socks.
From here down I look like a Vermont art teacher.
Will I be able to trade this in for a free margarita at the end? Oh.
Speaking of that, Charlotte sent me a book about quitting drinking.
- She did? - Yeah.
I was unboxing my teenage son's artificially flavored lubricant and sweat socks, and I found a package with a book in it called "Quit Like a Woman: How to Make the Radical Choice Not to Drink," and many more bullshit words.
Quit like a woman? What does that even mean? What? Curtsy to a bottle of vodka as it makes double your salary - for doing the exact same job? - Exactly! And she didn't even have the balls to tell me she sent it.
She just Amazoned me.
Amazoned me? Did you just make that up? I think so.
Sh-She could've at least included a little gift card.
"Dear Miranda, I think you're an alcoholic.
Love, Charlotte.
" - And you're sure she sent it? - Who else? Did you see the face she made when I wanted to order champagne at lunch? And at Che's concert, she was like, "Miranda, that's three cocktails.
" It was a comedy concert, for God's sake! So, you don't think you need to quit like a woman? What?! No! What I need to do is send her a book, "How to Get the Stick Outta Your Ass Like a Woman.
" Okay, well I need caffeine.
You gonna drink your coffee like a woman? Yeah, want one? No, I'm on strict no food or water - by mouth before your procedure orders.
- All right.
How about a little post-surgical recovery treat? Oh, yes, please.
A, a diet peach Snapple and a PayDay? - Wow, you are kind of a handful lately.
- Sorry.
So, I'll be taking her home tomorrow.
And I have her on Thursday.
You were a tomboy when you were younger, right? Um, I think that if Luisa were here, she would say we're not supposed to use that word but, yeah, still am.
- Let me ask you something.
- Hm? Did you ever wish that you weren't a girl? Sure Every time I have a mammogram.
Why? I'm just, just going through somethin' with Rose.
Oh, hey.
How long was I asleep? Uh, 10 minutes? Hmm.
I think I have to pee.
Wait No.
No, yeah.
Yeah, I definitely have to pee.
Well, uh, I'll, I'll call the nurse.
Oh no, I don't think I can wait.
I am, I am really feeling that entire bucket of ice chips I just wolfed down.
- Um.
- Yeah, I can't wait.
Okay, um, well, is there a, a, like a bedpan? How dare you.
Just, just lift me up.
I've done it with the nurses.
I can do it with you two.
- Does this hurt? - No, I feel nothing.
You know that whole pain pill addiction thing? - Yeah.
- I totally get it.
Oh, dang.
When did you get so strong? Well, I read in "Parenting Magazine" that you should be strong enough to lift your heaviest child in case of emergency.
- What? - I've been doing burpees.
Oh um Hello.
No, um, Carrie is, um, indisposed at the moment.
This is Rambo.
- Why'd she call herself Rambo? - I have no idea.
- Can we please just get me down? - Mm-hm, mm-hm.
- Okay - Okay.
Oh, that's so lovely.
- Oh, okay.
- She'll be thrilled.
Uh, no, you should come right up.
Um, uh, we're in 1406.
Ooh, wee! Ahh.
Well, this is a very special episode of "Friends," "The One Where They Lower Her to the Toilet.
" Okay, I'll see you in a minute.
- Oh good, more people.
- It was your boss.
- Do I have a boss? - Che.
She's on her way up with dinner for you.
- How nice is that? - No, no more people.
And it's not she, it's they.
They are on their way up.
Right, I knew that.
I, I wasn't thinking.
No, you weren't because I'm in a hospital gown on a toilet, and I don't need company, so please make that Che visit not happen.
No, go, so I can go.
- Okay.
- Should I go, too? No, sadly, you have to stay - to help me back up.
- Sure.
Hmm think it was a false alarm.
Oh no, Carrie you're peeing.
I am? Yes! See? - Am I done? - No, not yet.
- I'll let you know.
- Okay.
And so, the doctor walks into my hospital room and he announces, "Cheryl has diverticulitis," and my dad, who'd fallen asleep in the empty bed next to mine, bolts upright, out of a dead sleep, and shouts, like he's talkin' to a complete idiot, "Yeah, we already know Cheryl likes girls.
" Your father thought My father thought the gastroenterologist had diagnosed me as a dyke.
It was hilarious.
And thank God the doc thought it was funny because I was basically in and out of here seeing him for like two years straight, and that could've gotten, uh, real awkward.
So are y Are you okay now? I mean Yeah, I figured out how to manage it, yeah.
And even though it's about watching what I eat, it's also about watching what I feel what I say, what I do.
What do you mean? Cheryl used to hold everything in all that unhappiness, and, and shame just twisted up in there, just, yeah, making her physically and emotionally constipated, just lying to herself and everyone else, just feeling so trapped.
But now, now I just I let it all out.
I tell the whole truth on myself on stage, off.
I feel it.
I, I do it.
I be it.
So much healthier.
I mean, I-I'm not saying I got all of me figured out, but I haven't shit my pants in three years.
I'm sorry, I know we're eating.
Well, I can't top that win but, um I was feeling trapped, too, - at, at my law firm.
- Mm-hm.
So, I finally just quit.
It felt like like life's too short, - you know? - Oh yeah.
Good for you.
Good for you.
Oh, that's really spicy.
Do you think I'd bring anything mild? No, oh my God.
- Oh no.
- Oh.
Okay you get the wheelchair, Nick.
- I'll get the precious cargo.
- Alright.
Okay, be right back, Carrie.
And then, I'll put ya in your wheelchair, and take ya upstairs to eat your din-din.
As much as I die for his Baby Jane Hudson, this is all very unnecessary.
I've could've just taken an ambulette home.
No, it's important for him to help.
He needs to know that he's still included.
It's also important that I don't tumble out the chair and kiss all 10 steps.
I'm gonna talk to him and make sure it's safe.
Please do.
Anthony, Carrie is worried you're gonna drop her.
I'm not liftin' her.
I'll pop my hernia net.
That's what Prince Boner here is for.
- Are you ready? - Ready for what? For me.
Oh, boop-boop.
- This thing's high as a kite.
- Ah, feel like I'm flying.
- Are you okay, Carrie? - Never better.
In fact, I take it back.
This was totally necessary.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Jack.
You cannot say boundaries and girlfriends in the same sentence.
My girlfriends are always there for me, no matter what.
They are there for me.
In fact, you know what? I remember this time that my friend, Samantha Jones, even pulled my diaphragm out with her bare hand because it got stuck.
Boundaries, Carrie.
And I'm saying it was really stuck, like she was up in there for like - a minute.
- Oh, a whole minute! Yes! - I'm sweating.
- Schvitzing like a pig.
Yas, queen! Uh, well, this podcast just became everything I ever wanted it to be, so I just wanna thank everyone for making this episode of "X, Y, and Me" possible, especially the doctor who prescribed whatever painkillers Carrie's on.
- Peace, everybody.
- Leave meeting.
So, back to bed, or a little walk around? - Uhh bed, please.
- Okay.
I feel I am, finally getting the hang of this podcasting thing, huh? Yeah! - Ooh! - Ooh, ah, ah! - Did ya hear me? - I did, I did.
You sounded extremely comfortable.
Did, did you hear what you said? Well, what did I say? You told the diaphragm story, and you mentioned Samantha by name.
- I did? - Uh-huh.
Well there are a lot of Samanthas out there.
Well, you used her last name, too.
- Oops.
- Do you think she'll be okay with that? Uh I think I'm allowed to tell the story.
It's my vagina my story.
Besides, this podcast isn't even on her radar.
She's off in London.
Yeah, but I read the "Daily Mail.
" Oh, what What, you think she would be upset? I just think, maybe, you should let her know.
That's all.
And, that way, if someone else tells her, she's not gonna be surprised.
I think what Robin is trying to say is that a child at this age is still developing, and exploring who they are.
- Do I have that right, Robin? - Yes.
- More or less.
- And we, we get all that.
We're just We're a little taken aback that this particular child was allowed to adopt a new name without the parents being informed.
I honestly had no idea that you didn't know.
- Did you, Robin? - I did not, Laura.
Rock never gave us any clue that their parents were resistant to their changing identity.
Their? D-Did you just say their? We are not resistant, Robin.
And according to my reading, Laura, there is a wide range in this type of exploration, so we are just trying to figure out how seriously we should take this.
This is a very supportive environment for all children.
Cisgender, gender fluid, nonbinary, trans.
This is a journey that we are all on together.
We're here for you, and we can recommend a therapist, support group, peer counseling, - whatever would help.
- Wait.
Therapy? Counseling? What happened to the part about a child this age is still growing and exploring? That's still true but Rock is very clear, and in matters such as this, we take our cues from the children.
We're talkin' about a 12-year-old here.
Rose would eat ice cream for every meal if it was up to her.
So, we just have to accept this now? This is done.
They made the call.
I don't even know if I buy it.
Rose is a showoff, a big ham.
Could just be for attention or to bug us.
She practically gave us the finger at her 3D ultrasound.
Hearing people who aren't you talk about your kid to you it's the most humbling experience I've ever had as a father.
You're a wonderful father.
- Hello? - Hey, it's Che Diaz.
Oh, oh, hey, it's Rambo.
Come on up.
Oh goddammit.
- What a pleasant surprise.
- Yeah, for me, too.
I was just stopping by with two things to help Carrie podcast better from home: a professional mic and some aged tequila, also known as Keep Carrie Talking.
Oh, come on in.
She's, um, taking a little opioid nap now.
- We gotta keep it down.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.
Got it, so probably not a great idea to ask - if she wants to do a shot then.
- Probably not.
But you could ask me.
- Oh.
- Here let me spark this up.
- Don't you remember? - Hm? I'm not a pot person.
Yeah, I remember you kinda liked it.
I don't know! Are you always this funny? - Uhh, I better bounce.
I got a gig.
- Oh! And Jersey is not gonna make itself laugh.
Oh, oh no, go, go, go, go, go.
I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.
- I got it.
- Alright, alright, you got it! - Thank you.
- So Ah You know, if you weren't in such a hurry, I'd ask you to shotgun me again.
Oh! Well, um, at your service.
Oh, oh.
Miranda? I have to pee.
Tell me you like it.
Tell me not to stop.
I like it.
Oh, please, Che.
Please don't stop.
Miranda? Oh, my God.
Can I touch you? - Oh, please, touch me.
- Yeah.
Ow! Oh, oh, oh.
Oh my God, I have to pee.
That was the best feeling I've ever had in my life.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I really am gonna be late.
What? Hey, DM me if you wanna chill again soon, okay? Okay, bye.
Maybe close the door.
Oh, you're awake! Did ya have a good nap, sleepyhead? Oh, it was wonderful up until the point where I was woken up by my best friend having sex in the kitchen with my boss! And I wet myself in the bed because there was no one to help me to the bathroom.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, let me get you out of those wet sheets.
I had no idea you were awake already.
Well, I only took half a pill 'cause I was so out of it yesterday.
I should've taken the whole bottle, so I didn't have to witness any of that.
I I apologize.
I, I had no idea that you needed me.
- What are you doing? - I'm, I'm, I'm getting clean sheets, and I'm gonna get all that stuff off of the bed What are you doing? What was that in my kitchen? What is going on with you? I, I, I don't know.
Che brought you tequila, and, and we were doing shots out in the kitchen, and we were trying to be quiet.
We were trying not to wake you up.
- Well, you did wake me up.
- I And why are you doing shots in the afternoon? And my apartment reeks of pot, and my bed is soaked in pee.
I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry.
Let me, let me, um, change the sheets.
It doesn't matter anymore.
- Here.
- Ow! Oh, you're hurting me! - I said you're hurting me! - I - Just leave it alone.
- Well, you can't sit there in those sheets, Carrie.
They're soaked.
Yes, I know they're soaked.
I soaked them.
You said you would be here for me, and you weren't.
I was alone peeing in a, in a diet peach Snapple bottle.
I know I'm so sorry.
I guess I just had too much to drink.
No more tequila for me.
Maybe Charlotte was right.
Maybe you do have a drinking problem.
I I don't have a drinking problem.
I just got a little carried away.
You are married, and you just had sex in my kitchen.
I'm unhappy.
I'm unhappy.
Okay? I'm trapped.
I hate my marriage.
I hate it.
I hate my life.
I, I, I hate it.
- Since when? - Since - Forever.
- No, that's not true.
It feels like it is.
Wh-Why didn't you say something? What would I say? That I don't wanna be this person anymore.
That I wanna be something more.
That this isn't enough.
That is exactly what you should say.
Well, then I said it.
Please, can I change the sheets now? I think you should look into the drinking.
I am drinking too much, yes.
We all were in the pandemic, and I guess I just kept going.
But I don't have a problem, and I don't need a book from Charlotte.
I know me, Carrie.
If I really thought I had a problem, I would quit instantly.
And what about that other activity in the kitchen? I don't know if I want to quit that.
I-I've never felt like that in my life.
When I tell people I'm attracted to all genders, someone will always ask, "Do you have a preference?" And the truth is, I do.
I prefer them not to be assholes.
And it's always a surprise, right? Nothing you can predict.
It's not like a werewolf situation.
Definitely not as easy as full moon, "Oh, you're really a dick.
" I mean, there's no silver bullet for dating.
Last year, I dated this woman who was transitioning, transitioning from nice person to asshole.
A lot of people cannot comprehend the concept of me being polyamorous.
When I break that news to them Right What else did I drunk order? Active Way Physical Therapy.
So, Harry thinks the school is overreacting but I don't know.
What if we underreact? Oh, Charlotte, when, when have you ever underreacted to anything? But I can kind of see Harry's point.
I mean, is this just a 12-year-old who's caught up in the moment? You know, when I was in seventh grade, all my friends got a perm.
So, I got a perm.
I mean, is this just right now? Or is this her life? I just I, I, I have to do the right thing.
And you will.
I hope you understand that I will need to see a photo of that perm.
I told Harry I think - we should just listen - Mm-hm.
And follow her Their lead.
But every time I open my mouth, I just want to say Rose, not Rock.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
But I know that kid is amazing.
And just remember, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
I'm Travis, the physical therapist.
Shall we go back? Yeah.
Shall I help you up? Yeah.
So, I have the philosophy that PT works best when we're working towards a goal.
Do you have a long-term physical goal? To get back into heels.
Oh, uh, any others? Just the one.
To get back into heels.
Okay, uh, so you change, and then, I'll be back in and we'll start with a deep lower body massage.
- Does that sound good? - Yeah.
Yes, I'd like to book my next session with Travis.
Actually, your insurance doesn't cover Travis.
The system didn't catch it before but we've rectified it, so all of your future appointments will be with Emmett here.
Hi, I'm ready for you, Miss Johnson.
I'm willing to pay out of pocket.
Okay Travis then.
Okay, yeah.
And just like that, three months later, I was back in heels.

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