Andy Barker P.I. (2007) s01e06 Episode Script

The Lady Varnishes

Mm, Wally.
What? Is this chamomile? Yes, it is, but I'm sorry, it's pronounced "camel milk.
" Camel milk? Now, you've got it.
Here, be sure to come back for lunch.
Ooh, "Hoomus Hotties" Yes! I'm bringing in babes to sex things up.
Oh, and the hotties will be wearing holsters squirting out shots of hummus? Yes.
Hakim! Show them.
I have combined America's love of sex, guns, and chick peas.
That's the big three.
C'mon, kid, we're taking a ride.
Where we going? Never mind, just get in the car.
All right, it's go time! I'll get in back.
Actually, it's stay time.
Wait, wha- You win this round, Lew Staziak! But when vengeance strikes, it will be swift- Hakim! Too much CO2.
There it is.
My office place for 27 years.
They'll be tearing this dump down pretty soon.
I want a souvenir.
Yeah, this'll do.
Wow this place is amazing.
It's like a real private eye's office.
A lot of good memories here.
Look, it's a young Lew.
Who's the other guy in the picture? My old partner, Mickey Doyle.
The bastard's the reon I left the force.
Dirty as they come, he thought the law didn't apply to him.
I hear you.
I once worked with this guy, every year he used the color copier to make his family's Christmas newsletter.
Mickey once tracked a guy down on his honeymoon.
Beat him to death with an ice bucket.
Is that why you left the force? I left after Mickey and me got into a thing in San Diego.
A lot of bad stuff went down.
Too far over the line, even for me.
We go to San Diego.
My kids are crazy about Sea World.
They wouldn't be if they knew what was buried under Shamu's tank.
Let's get that door and get out of here.
What the helicopter? Lew, look.
There was an old letter stuffed in the mail slot.
Postmarked March 17, 1963.
Probably just junk.
It's from a Rita Spaulding.
Like I said, junk.
It's from the California women's correctional facility.
Dear Lew, I know you probably hate me now, but there's no one else I can turn to.
I didn't murder Johnny, I was framed.
I know you can prove I'm innocent.
Please, for the tender love we once had? How about for all the times you pounded the virtue out of me? Please, Lew, you're my only hope now.
Love, Rita.
Woulda been nice to get that 40 years ago, huh? So Lew, you gotta tell me who this Rita Spaulding was.
Just a starlet, pretty little party girl.
Legs went on forever.
So whatever happened between you and Rita? I wasn't fast enough for her, so she dumped me for some low-life creep.
Worked her way down the food chain until she ended up with a greasy mobster named Johnny Zambrano.
Johnny took four in the gut at a party in the marina.
Rita couldn't beat the rap, and ended up getting life.
But Rita said she didn't do it, though.
There's a slew of evidence.
His blood on her blouse, her prints on the gun.
Do you know if Rita's still in prison? I don't know, and I don't care.
Excuse me, Lew Staziak, my friend.
I need to speak to my friend Andy, my friend.
Okay, what is it, Wally? What do you think of my Hoomus Hotties? Oh.
They're very nice, and, um, ready for a swim.
Now, for fun, rank 'em in terms of true hotness.
One, two, three.
Oh, uh, rank 'em? I they are all equally gorgeous.
Just for fun.
Uh One, two, three.
You, the tall one, you're out.
What? I didn't I can only afford to keep two.
Get going.
I wanted to keep you, but my friend Andy says, "No, that skank must go.
" Wal-no! I- I you are very pretty.
He did Lew? So Lew's girlfriend has been in prison for 40 years? Well, I wouldn't call her his girlfriend.
I set up a meeting at the prison tomorrow, nd he won't even come.
a That's because he's still in love with her.
It's classic male-female stuff right out of junior high.
She might be innocent, and he's willing to let her die in prison.
And she probably loves him too, and anything she did was just to get his attention.
Um, she was convicted of shooting a murderous gangster in the face four times.
But she didn't shoot Lew.
Wow, it's nice that I get to meet Rita in the warden's office rather than her cell.
How'd she pull that off? Bye, Howie! Thanks again! Oh, well talk about a special delivery.
This is the kind of package a girl could get used to.
Hey, Charlie, do me a favor.
If I start screaming, count to 1,000 before you come in.
Well, aren't you just the cat's pajamas? You are, aren't you? Oh, hell, yes.
Come sit next to Rita, sweet cheeks.
Spaulding, I'm Andy Barker.
Thank you for seeing me.
Mm, I was looking forward to it all day.
, huh? What is it about private dicks that gets me all dewy? Anyway, uh, I came across a letter that you wrote to Lew Staziak about 40 years- Lew Staziak? Oh, you've seen him? I bet you two talked about me.
I bet he said my legs went on forever.
Of course, this one only went on till 1987.
Give it a try? Uh, no thanks.
Well, I'm sorry about your leg.
Oh, it's no biggie.
There's a girl in D block who lost the other one.
Now we buy shoes together.
You said in your letter that you had been framed for the murder.
That's right, couldn't have done it.
I was at The Brown Derby at the time.
Well, that ought to be fairly easy to prove.
Well, whoever framed me got everybody to dummy up.
So no one saw you going in? No, I was with a married guy.
We went in the back door.
We did that a few times, didn't we, doll? Well, Lew Staziak, as I live and breathe! Actually, I was talking about going in the back door of The Brown Derby.
So was I.
No, I mean the back door of the restaurant.
Oh, we didn't go there.
Uh, Lew, what are you doing here? I realized I couldn't let you alone with this one.
She'd fill your head with lies and your pants with hands.
Still got two of those.
Hey, you changed your perfume, what is that? Lacquer.
I just had my leg done.
And lucky for me because Lew Staziak's back in my life! Stick your extra sock in it.
I just came to warn the kid about you.
Oh, Lew, don't be that way.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I need you now.
I needed you, and you dumped me for Mickey Doyle, and you dumped him for that mobster who you killed.
See ya in hell.
Lew, you seem mad! It isn't true.
I didn't kill Johnny Z.
My only crime is I always fall for the bad boys.
Well, that and arson.
Spaulding, I'd like to help you, but I-I just don't know where to start.
Oh, you have to help me.
I gotta get out of here, please! I'll show you where the wood ends and where Rita begins.
Uh That-that's flattering, but, um, I just had a big lunch.
I'm gonna help you, Ms.
I promise you that.
Thanks! Oh, and tell Lew I'm sorry I broke his heart! And burned his house.
I'm sure that this woman is innocent, but how do I prove that Rita Spaulding was at The Brown Derby on the night of August 23, 1962? August 23, 1962, The Brown Derby? That means she was there the same night as Gene Kelly's 50th birthday party.
Why would you remember that? That was a legendary night! Barbara Stanwyck wore a strapless taffeta Edith Head with an Oleg Cassini clutch.
How do you not know that? I've got something that could help us.
Andy, I need your help.
I have to get rid of one more Hoomus Hotties.
No, no, no, I'm not gonna get involved this time.
Yeah, I understand.
It's not fair to put you in that situation.
Now, for lunch, what would you rather not to have: lamb or chicken? Well, I'd like lamb, so, I guess I'd rather not have chicken.
You, chicken, you're out! What? Andy says, "Go pull a sled, you dog!" Here, check this out.
Why is Chicken crying? All right, The Brown Derby, August 23rd, 1962.
Yeah, but I don't see Rita anywhere in this photo.
No, but this paparazzo, Jon Leibowitz, must have shot several rolls of film that night.
Yes? Hi, we're looking for Jon Leibowitz.
I am Jon Leibowitz.
You are? I changed my name when I came to this country.
There was much prejudice against the Chinese people.
But who doesn't love a Jew? Oh.
I can't believe you still have all the photos from that night.
I really applaud your filing system.
How you doing over there, Simon? Oh, fantastic.
I can't stop looking at Barbara Stanwyck and her leathery cleavage.
Gene Kelly's 50th was a big night.
Buddy Hackett took off his pants and sat down on the cake.
That was comedy back then.
It wasn't funny, but they committed.
Wait a minute.
There's Rita, in the background.
Well, that proves it.
I mean, she couldn't have been anywhere near Johnny Z.
that night.
She didn't do it.
You know what's doing it for me? Barbara Stanwyck and her weather-beaten taters.
Hey, honey, call me back.
I just found proof that Rita Spaulding's innocent.
I'm gonna take it to the DA tomorrow.
Guess who I'm here celebrating with? My good friend Sean Connery.
Hello, Jennifer.
This is Sean Connery.
Ah, forget it.
Give me that.
Oh what is your problem? Keep your nose out of other people's business! I've been watching you.
Your bagel-eatin' photographer friend told me about these.
Now, I got 'em.
Who are you? Mickey Doyle.
Lew Staziak's old partner? Yeah.
And as long as I'm on this earth, Rita Spaulding stays in the slammer.
But she's innocent.
Well, all you gotta do now is prove it.
Oh! Oh, does it always have to be in the stomach? Have you ever had your heart broke by a one-legged lady? Change lady to dude, and yeah.
You're gay? Yeah.
This is a gay bar.
Uh, sweetheart? I'm gonna need my business card back.
Hey, Lew.
So what are you doing in here? Hey, you said you had a visit from Mickey.
You sure it was him? Well I got a video of him with my phone.
Yeah, and I just flew over here in my toaster.
No, seriously, watch.
You tell Staziak he loses again! I'm Mickey Doyle, the best there ever was.
Typical Doyle.
Not enough to win, he's gotta brag about it.
Why would he beat me up and then take the evidence that would have sprung Rita? Because he was mixed up with the mob back then.
You know, I bet somebody hired him to kill Johnny Zambrano.
And then he pinned it on Rita just because she broke his heart? I mean, is Mickey Doyle really that evil? If you knew what went down in San Diego, you wouldn't ask that question.
Well, we gotta do something.
Rita's innocent.
There's nothing he can do, he took all your evidence.
Yeah, but you know what? He doesn't know that.
Is he as bad with technology as you are? Yeah, first time he saw a cassette deck, he emptied his service revolver into it.
I got an idea.
I'm sorry, I don't have time to man the controls, Andy.
Hakim! You and your disco hair don't dip your pen in company ink! I'm sorry.
Simon, are you sure that you can handle this? I went to film school.
I think I can handle a microphone and a napkin dispenser.
How do you know this guy Doyle's gonna show up with the pictures anyways? I told him I had access to new forensic technology that would link him to the evidence and prove that he planted it.
Hey, that's him.
Ha-ha! All right, Barker.
You got five minutes.
Have a seat.
And action! Why don't you tell me what you got.
All right.
We both know that Rita's blouse with Johnny's blood and the gun with her fingerprints were found at the scene of the crime.
But what you don't know is that the LAPD now has a DNA molecular image replicator that could conclusively prove who handled those items besides Rita.
I had no idea.
When the DA reexamines the evidence, I think we both know what they'll find.
I see what you're saying.
Aww, snap! Andy, bringin' in da noise! It's just a shame is all.
Yes, it is.
Wait, what's a shame? About the fire.
Fire? At the police station, in '72? Fire that destroyed all the evidence from this case? Oh, wow.
What the hey.
At least the little fellow ge an A for effort.
Starting that fire was one of the best moves I ever made.
I destroyed the evidence from six different crimes I committed.
Oh! That was pretty clever.
But I think you'll be interested to know- Here's your root beer and napkins.
Didn't get it.
What? Oh, we don't have it, your order.
The, uh, the falafel machine got unplugged, and it didn't falafel everything that we wanted it to falafel.
Perhaps you wouldn't mind ordering again, okay? Beat it, Gunga Din! Thank you, thank you.
You know what? I don't buy it.
Yeah, one person couldn't orchestrate something so complicated.
It's not that complicated.
I'm Mickey Doyle.
I killed Johnny Z.
, I framed Rita Spaulding, I burned all the evidence.
Yeah, well, I'm not as stupid as you think.
Oh, yeah? Because inside that napkin dispenser- Missed it! What the hell is going on? You and me We're going for a little walk.
Where we going? Parts of you are going to 50 different places around the city.
Kid's not going anywhere.
Lew Sleaziak.
I'll be needin' those photos, Mickey.
Oh, really? Or what? I'll start talking about San Diego.
I'll tell 'em everything, names, dates Places to dig.
Shamu You wouldn't.
We'd both end up going down for that.
Que sera, sera.
I don't get it, Lew.
That broad dumped you, same as she dumped me.
You mean you'd really be willing to throw everything away for her? Yes.
That's why you couldn't hack it on the force, Lew.
You're soft! Wait a minute.
Lew Staziak is ten times the man you'll ever be.
Oh, yeah? And by the way I think I owe you something from before.
Oh! Damn it! Maybe you'll get Rita free, Lew.
But you've got nothing on me.
I can't believe we're just gonna let him go.
He won't be getting far.
See you, suckers! Forgot to take it out of my trunk.
How's your wine, sweetheart? Well, it's better than the stuff we used to make in my toilet.
You guys are adorable.
Oh, hey, if you're not doing anything, we'd love to have you over for Easter.
Now wait a minute, that knob waiter gave me baked and I asked for mashed.
No, that's I heard you ask for baked.
I don't care what she asked for.
He's dead! Give me your steak knife.
No! Here you go, slugger.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Oh, and there's a shiv in the heel! Oh, this is so romantic.