Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e11 Episode Script

Final Fantasy

ANDY: My story starts when the first brave vertebrate flopped its way onto land.
The next significant event was ( cheering and clapping ) Byron's birthday.
These guys also crawled out from the sludge.
But only about five minutes ago.
What are you thinking about? How much better I am than those guys.
Ow! I thought you said you were better than those guys.
Not physically.
Listen, I need a favor.
I just started this new writing class and I'm working on a short story and I would really love your feedback.
Oh, great.
I'd be happy to.
You know, I find the most important thing about writing Look at me, going on about writing.
I'm trying to act all smart because I can't take a punch in the chest.
All right, you can go.
Happy birthday, Byron.
Are you enjoying your party? Okay, so then it is definitely for me.
Of course it's for you.
It's your big day.
There's a cake, and all your friends are here and everybody's thinking about you and we've got your favorite ice cream and here is something for someone who's very, very very, very special.
Unlike Jessica, I planned ahead with your gift.
That's why I've been carrying around this Uh Looks like it's gonna be a 20-dollar bill just for you.
Byron, we have something for you, too.
A present that unwraps itself.
I'm Officer Teena.
I'm going to have to place you under a breast.
( music plays ) ( music stops ) I'm sorry.
I find this whole thing really embarrassing.
That's okay.
It's not your fault.
It's me.
I'm disgusting.
I can't do anything.
My father was right.
( sobbing ) Man, that was hot.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised.
* Jessica.
I cannot stop thinking about my party.
I feel terrible that I made that stripper cry.
Her name is Teena.
Oh, God.
She has a name? She's actually a really nice girl.
I ran into her in the bathroom.
She's only stripping to pay her way through philosophy graduate school.
You're kidding.
She wants to be a philosopher? With that body? Yeah, why not? What, you think a woman can only be smart or sexy? Then which one am I? Huh? Is "scary" one of the categories? Look, all I'm saying is: What kind of a world is this where a woman has to demean herself to study philosophy so she can ask questions like: What kind of a world is this where a woman has to demean herself to? Byron, you're caught in one of those loop things again.
Look, it's not demeaning.
It's her body.
She should be able to do whatever she wants without people judging her.
First I made her cry.
Now, I'm judging her.
I can't do anything.
My father was right.
Oh, look, if you feel bad about it, maybe you could find her and apologize.
Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
And find out if her breasts are real.
I'm so curious.
I was nervous about reading Wendy's story.
If it was bad, what would I say? But if it was better than anything I'd written, then the fragile house of my self-esteem would crumble like a week-old cookie.
"Week-old cookie.
" That's good.
I think I can relax.
( sighs ) "It was eve in the Land of Darando, "and Sir Agator was returning to the castle of Lady Gwevilla.
They had been going out for seven months.
" Huh.
That's how long Keith and Wendy had been going out.
Obviously, Wendy based the story on her own life much as I had based my screenplay Deadly Bus on the time I saw Speed.
In Wendy's story, Sir Agator was Keith.
And Lady Gwevilla was Wendy.
How was work? Great.
You know how thou doth love lilies? Well, I couldn't find any, so I got you this ogre head.
( gasps ) He'd been bringing terror throughout the land.
And now he will make a delicious broth.
I have other hungers as well, my lord.
Then let us do some south-of-the-border jousting.
Ow! Sorry.
Oh! Oh! "And so the mighty lord ravished his lady five times that night.
" This is awful.
It's like reading a 600-year-old Penthouse.
When I ran into Keith, I kept thinking about how he had jousted for six-and-a-quarter pages.
The most I've ever gone is a page, page and a half and then I need a turkey sandwich.
How do you do it? I hold the mug, and I tilt the pot.
You're amazing.
My dad taught me.
( knock on door ) Hi.
I'm the guy who made you cry.
Oh, hi.
I'm sorry I ruined your party with my boring breasts.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
No, you were right.
You were just pointing out the truth.
I'm not good at anything.
I'm bad in school, I'm bad at stripping.
And look at this sweater I made.
What? It's beautiful.
There's no neck opening.
I know a guy who would love that.
Oh, no, wait, he's got a head.
See? I mean, obviously you're smart.
Look at all of these books about philosophy.
Do you understand all these? Well, can anyone really understand Kant's B deduction of the categories from his first critique or Heidegger's existential analytic or Spinoza's concept of mode? Are your breasts real? Can we be sure that anything is real? God, you're smart.
Your only problem is your lack confidence.
But you can do anything you want-- except knit.
You think? Definitely.
All you have to do is go for it.
When I hear you say it, I almost believe it is possible.
It is.
You know what? I am going to follow my dream.
Good for you.
I am not going to degrade myself anymore.
Good for you.
And what's more degrading than pretending I don't see the holes in my thesis advisor's theory of reference? Huh? I am going to quit studying philosophy and strip full time.
Thank you, Byron.
( giggles ) Wait.
What's going on? The next day, Wendy gave me another chapter of her story.
It was the morning after the intimidatingly long ravishing.
Where art thou going? I got to drop by my castle on the way to work.
Get another one of the crude squares of burlap that serve me for underpants.
If thou would call my castle your home Oh, let's forego having that conversation yet again.
I'm just not ready to live together.
( a fanfare of horns ) That's the other guys.
I got to go.
I'm going to miss the ogre hunt.
Agator, if thou love me, why don't thou want to move in with me? ( armor rattling ) Look, thou art great.
I love thee.
It hath nothing to doth with that.
I just need a little more time to figure out who I am and how I fit into this big, flat world of ours.
What is wrong with Keith? How could he not want to commit to Wendy? Idiot! Our personal feelings about Wilson notwithstanding, the memorial service will be held at 4:00 on Thursday.
Oh, hey, Byron! Did you talk to Teena? Sure did.
What'd she say? She's quitting graduate school to be a full-time stripper.
What?! You were just supposed to apologize to her.
It kind of got away from me, but, you know, thank God stripping isn't degrading, right? Like you said.
You said that! That's when she was a philosopher-stripper! You know, stripping at night, going to school during the day.
It was like a Sally Field movie.
Now she's just selling her meat to pervs.
( sighs ) Byron! Teena, hey.
Can I talk to you about something? I'm-I'm sorry.
Did I come at a bad time? Are-are you watching football? Actually, I'm on my way to work.
You got a job as a cheerleader? That is fan Oh.
I'm working at this great club, the Cinnamon Cheetah.
Actually, I'm really glad you're here, though.
Come in for a second.
My friend Amber had a really bad shift today, and I was thinking maybe you could talk to her.
You know, sort of build her confidence.
Actually, I wanted to talk to you.
Yeah, don't waste your time on me.
I'm worthless.
Oh, come on.
Don't say that.
It's true.
I hate what I do for a living.
I like the money, but it's just so demoralizing.
And I can't stand the people that it attracts.
Amber, you can do whatever you want.
Maybe I wasn't clear before when I was talking to Teena.
So, let me put it this way: You quit your job now.
But, I don't No "buts.
" You're miserable, get out of there! You're right.
I'm going to quit nursing.
What? You're a nurse? Yes.
Why do you think I'm dressed like this? I assumed you were a stripper.
Really? You think I could be? Wait-- what's happening? Oh, Byron What? Okay, I'll be right there.
There's no one there.
No, there's a guy.
WENDY: Hey, Jessica.
Hey, Wendy.
I don't want to bother you, but did you get a chance to read my story yet? Yeah, I read it last night.
And? I thought you wanted to sing.
So you didn't like my writing? No.
You know what I thought was good? I mean, what I thought was good was how you reversed the genders.
The knight is really you, and the fair maiden is actually Keith, right? Cool, you got that.
Well, yeah, 'cause I know how Keith has been bugging you to move in with him.
I'm just not ready to settle down.
Ever since I came to Chicago, I've been trying all kinds of new things: singing, writing I took this course in how to defend myself with a hatchet.
It's easier than you think.
Well, I guess the key is being the one with the hatchet.
That's, like, unbelievably important.
So you don't think that it's too confusing that Sir Agator is based on me and Lady Gwevilla is based on Keith? No.
And it doesn't matter for the story anyway.
If you get it, you get it.
If you don't, what's the harm? I know what's going on with you and Wendy.
You do? Come on.
She's crazy about you.
Do you really think you're ever going to find another woman like her? No.
Then don't let her get away.
I don't want to let her get away.
Then go to her right now.
Tell her you can't live without her.
I will.
Then do it.
I'm going.
Then go.
Shut up! Wendy? Oh, hi.
I want us to live together.
I told you I can't take this pressure.
Honey, I've been thinking about it and it's something Thanks to me, Wendy and Keith were back on track.
And so my story comes to an end.
What do you guys want to do now? Hey.
I heard you read Wendy's thing.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't know what to tell her.
I mean, it's like she wrote it in Microsoft Turd.
Yeah, all I could think to say was it was cool how she switched the genders of the lead characters.
She what? What?! Keith, I don't want to keep having this conversation.
And I don't want to go on like this.
Then maybe we should just take a break from each other.
Andy? Uh, can you come here for a sec? You thought you knew what was going on in my life because of a stupid story? I had completely misread what Wendy wrote.
What I thought was this Where art thou going? Uh, I have to drop by my castle on the way to work.
was actually this.
Where art thou going? I have to drop by my castle on the way to work.
If thou wouldst call my castle your home I totally screwed up.
I'd better go on the offensive.
Well, what's the deal with you and commitment anyway? I thought you didn't want to commit.
I didn't.
Well, then what changed? Everything.
Then Keith told me about his brush with mortality.
I'm dying.
How do you get from ear hair to death? I never had hair in my ear before.
That means I'm getting older, and I'm probably going to die.
And I don't want to die alone.
But you had to know that you were probably going to die.
I guess I knew it in theory.
But I've been pretty lucky so far.
I never have to comb my hair.
I get paid for doing next to nothing.
I smell like this naturally.
So I guess I thought maybe All right, all right-- I'm going to die.
And now I'm probably going to die alone.
Are you happy? A little bit.
( knocking ) Hey.
Teena? Amber? What are you doing here? We wanted to thank you.
We're both working at the club now and it is going really, really well.
We got you something.
Oh, you didn't have to get me anything.
( gasps ) Wow! You know, I don't have one of these.
( giggling ) We thought it'd be a kick.
Oh, it's fantastic.
I just you know, I hope you didn't spend too much.
Actually, we want to talk to you about money.
We're both really bad with financial stuff, and we really trust you.
So could you hold on to our cash for us? Oh, I don't know.
If you don't take it, we're just going to spend it.
All right.
Hand it over.
Let's see what we got here.
Mmm Oh, you girls did good.
You did real good.
I felt terrible.
Because of me, Wendy and Keith had broken up.
From now on, I am not going to interfere in my friends' lives.
Hey, Andy.
This is going to be hard.
Hey, Andy! I just talked to Keith.
Everyone's impressed with the size of your screw-up.
Yeah, pretty awesome, huh? So what are you going to do about it? I'm never going to meddle again.
I'm going to meddle all the time.
I'm going to meddle just enough so that Keith and Wendy get back together again? Wrong.
How can they all be wrong? Sorry.
I stopped listening.
That last one was right.
I had to do something.
Since I am a writer, I decided to use my special weapon: language-- the thing that means stuff.
Hey, Wendy.
Hey, Andy.
Listen, I was thinking about your story last night, and I took a crack at writing an ending.
You wrote an ending to my story? I didn't mean to step on your toes or anything, it's just I'm a writer, and language is my pied-à-terre.
Language is your additional house? That's what that means? I want us to dwell together.
I can't commit right now.
I'm exploring too many new, creative activities.
Repent, heretic! What orbits around what now?! Lo 'tis the wise wizard, Andoo.
Wendy, when you broke the will of this heretic did you not want to share your joy with Keith? Yea, verily, I did, sure.
Of course you feel like you've become a new person since you came to the enchanted floating island of Chicagoblor.
But the best thing about life's journey is sharing it with someone you love.
Oh, Andoo, you are wise.
Keith loves you with all his might, and in this crazy medieval world of ours, love is as hard to find as a 40-year-old.
Thanks, Andy.
This is really sweet of you to do this.
Although I think that I would change the Andoo character just a little.
Really? Uh-oh.
'Tis I, Andoo the meddlesome hunchback.
I like to stick my warty nose into the business of others.
And now for your amusement, I will jib and pike a medieval boogaloo! (folk music playing) A hunchback? That's how you see me? But your hump is filled with insight and love.
Byron, I Here's my money from yesterday.
Didn't you work two shifts? Yes.
It's nothing personal, baby.
Just business.
Uh, Byron, I need a $100 for some new shoes.
Your shoes are fine.
Sorry, baby.
Yeah? Could I have a word with you? Byron, you're a pimp.
What? No.
No, I'm just helping these fine ladies with their finances, their clothes, artistic issues.
I didn't say you weren't a good pimp.
Byron, I am so bored in accounting.
Do you think I've got what it takes to join your crew? Turn around, honey.
Let me take a good look at your Oh, God, I'm a pimp.
And so, everything returned to normal.
Byron shed his bold fashion statements Rick and Fred were still repressing their love for each other and the lions-- who only last year had been cubs themselves-- began having cubs of their own.
And Wendy realized she could live with Keith while she continued to explore her creativity.
And seeing them back together again felt really good.
Andy Oh, sorry.
* I'm so sexy * * So sexy, baby * Ooh, baby * You know you want me, baby * I'm so sexy * * So sexy, baby * Ooh, baby * You want my body, baby * I'm so sexy * * So sexy, baby * Ooh, baby I don't know how you're going to follow that.
* I'm so sexy * * So sexy, baby * Ooh, baby * You know you want me, baby.