Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e13 Episode Script

Saturday Early Evening Fever

ANDY: In today's cutthroat economy, you have to be willing to go the extra mile.
That's why Byron and I are still here, half an hour after quitting time, working like slaves slaves to fashion! Kicking off this week's show, Andy Richter lights up the stage and our hearts with a shredded, backless, incriminating memo gown! (English accent): I exist on nothing but vitamin water and speed and I haven't menstruated in years.
Ha-ha! Whoa.
The new fall line's in.
Why didn't anyone tell me? I think it's great that you guys are so secure with your sexuality whatever it may eventually turn out to be.
Come on, Byron.
We gotta go.
Huh.
All my friends are going somewhere fancy without me.
Ah, whatever.
It's cool.
Hey, where are you guys going without me? I thought you were my friends.
Easy, guy.
Your parents' divorce is showing.
Wendy's helping out with a fund-raiser dinner at the Adelaide Youth Center.
Oh! Well, that's so nice of you to volunteer your time like that.
Makes us look pretty bad, huh, guys? Actually, I help out three nights a week at the animal shelter.
Keith you and me-- are we scumbags or what? You're not going to like this, but I do volunteer work at a retirement home.
That's why I can't go with Wendy tonight.
Oh.
Well, I I I s I'm donating my eyes.
I filled out the donor card on my driver's license even though I heard they don't work as hard to save you.
Look at me.
My friends are good and I suck.
Here's what I should do.
He fell 20 stories, but I think we can save him.
Wait a minute.
He's a donor.
Finally, my cat can have eyes.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised.
* Do you think Dracula can have kids? No.
Well, what about son of Dracula, or Dracula's daughter? Okay, then yes.
Can the Mummy swim? No.
Well, he was in that swamp in that one movie.
Okay, you made your point.
You'd make an excellent monster lawyer.
Does anybody have a quarter? I'll pay you back.
I have one.
Witch! Witch! No, really, that was pretty amazing.
I wonder if Frankenstein uses the toilet or just goes in his pants.
Wow, look what Wendy did.
I meant to do that.
you can't do it again.
$500? You're on.
I've always wanted to say that.
You know, like the guy in a sports bar who offers somebody 500 bucks if he can do something again.
Come on.
Mama needs a new pair of $250 bills.
Oh! Wow! Oh, my God, what are the odds of that happening? No, seriously, can someone calculate this for me, because I'm out 500 bucks and I would like to know why.
Hands down that was the second coolest thing I've ever seen.
Want to see the first coolest? I'd show you more, but her boyfriend, who was actually in the room, had to go and ruin everything.
Will I ever know love? (sobbing) Oops, I didn't mean to show you that part.
Hey, did you see these pictures of Wendy and Byron from this fund-raising thing? They're adorable.
Are you saying those guys are better than me because they do charity? I'm giving up my eyes.
Well, I hope whoever gets your eyes doesn't get that crazy look that comes with them.
Do you ever do anything for anybody other than yourself? Well, I don't do official charity but I do the little things like smiling or saying hello to people.
Exactly.
Or like when there's that sign "Take a penny, give a penny" sometimes I don't take a penny.
Look, anyone can do the big show-off-y charity stuff but it's people like you and me who do the little things, that nobody notices, and probably don't even benefit from, who are the real heroes.
Good morning, Wendy.
Listen, I haven't forgotten that I owe you $500.
I'm a little short right now, but I'm definitely going to pay it.
Oh, Byron, you don't have to pay me.
No one was taking you seriously.
No one was taking me seriously? No.
You know, no.
No, I don't know.
Come on, you know.
Come on, you know? It's because I'm Byron, isn't it? No one ever takes me seriously around here.
Tell me the truth.
And don't use the words "Come on" or "You know.
" Hey Oh, I'm going to pay that bet.
I'm going to pay the crap out of it.
Hey, anyone want to come with me to the retirement home later? It's Carnival Night.
They're raising money to buy an even louder television.
I'll go.
It was fun.
Last time, we stayed up late playing "Gently Tap a Mole.
" I'm sorry, I can't.
I volunteered to bring in a neighbor's mail for 20 bucks.
I'm out, too.
I decided to do something worthwhile, so I signed up for this great program that helps violent prisoners channel their rage into creative writing.
WENDY: This is great! Keith helping out the retirement home, Byron rescuing animals, Andy taking in someone's mail for money.
Look at us.
Look at most of us.
You're volunteering at a prison? We had a deal that our charity was the little things: you know, smiling, saying hello going to the beach.
That wasn't a deal.
That was a massive rationalization.
That we believed in together.
Well, why don't you go to the prison with me tonight? I'm sorry, but we had an agreement and somebody around here has to stand for something.
Well done.
Charity-- nothing more than rewarding the useless.
If I had a gangrenous leg, I'd cut it off.
I wouldn't tell it it won a race and give it a trophy.
It's not that charity's bad.
I just don't have time for it.
Nonsense.
You just don't want to help people.
And why should you? Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife.
My little chat with Zombie Joe made me realize I was being a little selfish.
So I decided to volunteer with Jessica and it's true what they say: prison changes a man.
Hi.
I'm Andy Richter.
I am your mentor.
We'll be working together.
Okay, it didn't change me that much.
All right, well, let's see what you've been working on.
This is Skeeter, the convicted murderer they paired me up with.
What he lacks in talent, he makes up for in passion.
Wow, you really like cocaine.
Well, Craig, I see you write poetry.
I like to rhyme.
Yes, and you've made some very bold choices.
Like rhyming "hoochie" with "Susan Lucci.
" (whistle blows) All right, everybody, felt tips down.
Listen up.
This year's writing program will culminate in a competition.
First prize will be a pre-cut steak dinner with the founder of this program, Nobel Prize-winning author Silbert Danforth.
Second-place prize, Freedom ALL: Yeah! by Neil Young on compact disc.
ALL: Boo! with previously unreleased material.
ALL: Yeah! Wow! Silbert Danforth is coming here? Who is Silbert Danforth, you ask? I'll show you.
I am Silbert Danforth, the famous author.
I really want to meet him.
He's, like, my favorite novelist.
His book The Torch Garden made me want to be a writer and plant a garden and set it on fire.
Silbert Danforth! I would so love to meet him.
He's, like, my favorite novelist.
Uh-oh.
I don't know what to do.
Byron insists on paying me.
He can't afford it.
He just thinks he has to or no one will take him seriously.
Well, why don't you give him a chance to win his money back? You know, let him go double or nothing on something he is good at.
That's a great idea.
So, what's Byron good at? What are you guys doing? Trying to come up with something Byron's good at.
Hmm You didn't honestly think we'd still be here, did you? This is a place of business, for God sakes.
I have things to do.
Andy, I will not throw the competition.
Just because you're a writer doesn't mean you're more entitled to meet Silbert Danforth than I am.
It's exactly because I am a writer, which means I am should meet him.
God, do you think she noticed that? You should get an MRI.
Come on.
I've already asked all the other mentors and they're fine with letting me win.
Of course, they're fine with it.
Most of them are working off drunk driving convictions.
They wouldn't know Silbert Danforth if he bounced off their windshield.
Oh, I know what this is about.
Jessica is so competitive.
She can turn anything into a cutthroat competition.
Hey, Andy.
Hey.
You want to get a cup of coffee? Sure.
Race you! And here we are supposedly celebrating my birthday.
Make a wish, Andy.
Whoo! (all cheering) Yes! Nine.
She even turned a friendly game of Whack-Each-Other- in-the-Face-With-a-Shovel into a brutal competition.
But the worst part about competing with Jessica Ten.
is that she usually wins.
(spitting) Hey, bud.
You know, I was just passing by and I noticed that you, my friend, are a very gifted spitter.
Thank you.
It's about time somebody noticed.
I was thinking you could bet Wendy double or nothing that you could spit something so accurately that it would land in something else.
Wow, Keith, that plan is just crazy enough to work.
That's another one of those things I always wanted to say.
Maybe you should stop saying the things you've always wanted to say.
But I only have two left.
Daddy-o.
One left.
Hey.
Okay, so here's my prisoner's poem.
I don't think it's very good, but I might be too close to it.
"One, two, three, four, let's rob a convenience store.
"Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen" It goes on like that for a while.
Good thing he's got jail to fall back on.
Oh, crap! I'm never going to meet Silbert Danforth.
Well, maybe Andy's guy sucks even worse.
Do you think that's possible? At least your guy got all the numbers in the right order.
Yeah, but after "22," he just wrote the word "bagina" over and over.
"Ba gina"? I'm not going to be the one to tell him.
Hey, Andy.
Boy, it sure is good we're doing this charity thing.
I feel great.
So how are things with you and your guy's talent level? Kind of curious about Skeeter's writing? No.
(scoffs) "The Song of My Solitude.
" Ooh, I'm scared.
"I wash my face with morning tears, "my hands like wipers, fingers slick with liquid pain.
Nothing can erase the song of my solitude.
" It needs more numbers.
That's what that needs.
We are going to get our asses handed to us tomorrow night if we don't get our act together.
Andy's guy wrote this amazing poem.
I don't even understand it.
So you'd better reach deep down inside and find that writer's voice within, or all of D Block is gonna say Craig 10794 is a man who can't express his feelings with words.
I can express my feelings.
I have strong feelings.
Good.
Good.
Then let them out! * If love No, no, no, no, no, no, no singing.
Use your pen Use your pen to express your feelings.
And if you win, I'll buy you that subscription to Fat-Ass Nurse.
Okay, Byron's on his way to challenge you to a new bet.
I told him to be cool, so, you know, God knows what this is going to look like.
Hey, Wendy, what up? All right.
So, how about going double or nothing on me spitting a grape into your coffee mug? What up? All right.
Wow, double or nothing? That's impressive.
I never knew you were that kind of guy.
Baby, there are a lot of things you don't know about me.
There, now I said them all.
Man, that feels good.
Stay calm.
Don't choke.
(inhales deeply) (choking) (gasping) Oh, my God, he's choking.
After I specifically told him not to.
(choking) What do you mean, "no"? You're dying.
He wants to go for it! What a champ! KEITH: Now? Now? (retching) Did you say you would make it or you wouldn't? There's obviously been some confusion, so let's just call it even.
No no, I am a man and I pay my debts.
So, don't (blubbering): patronize me.
All right, Byron, look.
Double or nothing.
You win all your money back right now if the next word out of your mouth is "what.
" Why? Now you owe Wendy $2,000.
Byron, look.
Double or nothing, next word out of your mouth is "what.
" You understand, Byron? Say "what"! Stop yelling at me.
That's $4,000.
Byron, I'm sorry.
I can't have you owe me money.
So, $4,000 says the next word out of your mouth is "ow.
" Son of a bitch! Close enough.
We're even.
WARDEN: Let's get ready to listen to some convicted felons read their creative writing in a convicted felon creative writing competition! ANDY: All right, the competition wasn't really that big a deal.
But we were going to find out, once and for all, who was going to eat steak with Silbert Danforth, me or Jes-suck-ica? Nice! WARDEN: You two, Spaghetti and Meatball don't go anywhere; we gotta talk.
Uh-oh.
The warden wants to talk to us.
We are in so much trouble.
Trouble? Why would we be in trouble? Okay, I may have written some or all of Skeeter's poem.
Andy! You cheated? At a charity competition? Yes, I did.
I cheated.
I'm a big cheater.
Now, can you please get past it? What are we going to do? We got to get out of here.
Let's make a break for it.
Oh, yeah.
We got a situation.
I know.
Andy cheated.
He wrote his prisoner's poem.
You cheated? What you talking about, Warden? Yeah, that'll be good! It'll break the tension.
Say that! What you talking about, Warden? He didn't get it.
Your inmate's out of the competition.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! I'm meetin' Silbert Danforth.
Whoo, hey, look at me, I'm moon dancing.
Your prisoner's out of it, too.
What? Why am I out? Meatball's the cheater.
Because you bullied your inmate into expressing his feelings with his pen.
So, he took that pen and stabbed Meatball's inmate in the neck.
Oh, my God! Fortunately, he's not dead.
Then why am I disqualified? ANDY: Okay Jessica's guy is out.
Nobody's questioning that.
But is it too late to enter an inspiring poem about one man's love for cocaine? Both of you, get out of my prison.
Are we bad people? Didn't you hear the man? We're not allowed in prison.
ANDY: The next day, Jessica and I felt awful that our competitiveness kept us from doing charity, so we punished ourselves by eating two cups of pure salt.
(loud crunching) Actually, the next day, we decided to volunteer at the nursing home with Keith.
You know, Louise, this has been a lovely afternoon.
Thank you for spending it with me.
Dinnertime.
There's only Pick up your feet, Louise.
I don't want you getting sucked under the chair.
(wheels screeching) MAN: Whoa! ANDY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa